The Wrangler Always Offering Alternative Facts! Edition Roman Numeral Fifty-Six
5 Ways To Stop Bumping Into People!!
Real. Comfortable. News.
Find Out What This Student Mr. Smith '96 Did What??? Did To Surprise Maker Faire Find Out The Truth! Judges
Pedestrian Handbook: How to walk By: Max Basile '17 Tired of being bodied as you proceed through a doorway by a human and/or door? Fed up with having to circumvent crowds huddling together in the middle of a staircase, hallway, or doorway? We are. That is why The Wrangler has come together to devise a simple, easy handbook teaching you, the reader, how to walk. (*Disclaimer: This handbook offers NO guaranteed efficacy should the reader be an infant or deceased.*) 1. Hold the door open: If you were to open a door just wide enough so that you can sneak through, while also knowing that there is a crowd behind you entering the same building, you are essentially telling every single one of your brothers left behind that you hate them. Don’t be that guy—just give the door a little extra nudge as you enter or hold on until you exceed arm’s length as you exit. 2. Walk on the right: First off, this is ‘Merica, and if you don’t like it, feel free to Brexit. Furthermore, wouldn’t you be concerned if you were heading east on Camelback and coming right at you in the same lane is a car heading west? Thought so. This rule applies to staircases as well. Work with the flow of traffic, not against it, because chances are you will likely lose. 3. Use the door on the right: This directly alleviates the hazard of being bodied by a human and/or door as you enter a building, and also massively increases the flow of traffic. No pedestrian should have to look both ways before crossing
@BrophyWrangler
a banister, just as no face deserves to be met with a door. 4. Don’t stop or convene in the middle of a staircase, hallway, or doorway: Aside from the aforementioned argument of what would happen if this occurred in the middle of a road or intersection, what do these three things have in common? That’s right! They all have only two functions: exiting or entering. Brophy is populated enough to the point where it is always safe to assume there is someone else walking right behind you. Therefore, from now on, any student who abruptly ceases their path in the middle of a staircase, hallway, or doorway is liable to trampling, tackling, or bodying. 5. Those exiting a room or building have the right of way: Contrary to the apparent popular belief, this is not only a rule for elevators. Do you feel awkward or like you’re a bad person when you rush through a door in front of someone who is clearly trying to leave? You should. In fact, doing so may even be a stronger means of hating your fellow brother than not holding a door open for them. That is all we have for now, though we are confident students will soon enough give us reason to update this list. Please, prove us wrong and help make a safer Brophy by following these simple rules and not being “that guy.” God bless Brophy, and God bless America.
News in Briefs • Award-winning robot from the Maker Faire replaces innovative tech teacher; delusional senior thinks it’s Mr. Lewkowitz • Freshman still missing after attempt to “Summit” Mt. Human Dignity; Dean Higgins calls off search • Young Anarchists, led by Ms. Guffey, protest Summit on Democracy; organization of group quickly devolves to anarchy • New student follows road signs placed around campus; causes accident at corner of Easy St. and Healthy Ave.; signs now removed • Brophy launches investigation of Xavier interference within Student Council vote; schedule change-up cited as evidence • Salt River Project sends cease and desist letter to Brophy English Department; wants catchy “SRP” back • Renke declares first project; new gym to be built on top of old new gym • Brophy students take Renke;s advice; “wake up” with new coffee stand, Awaken; • Freshman class mistakenly donates 2 pounds of lint to the Lint-en Drive • The Wrangler still unsure how to use semicolons; time to do that assignment on NoRedInk
Mr. Orem’s final form By: Nate Anderson '19 Jack Keeton '19 Mr. Orem has now recruited an army of sophomores in the creation of the New Jesuit Order. Student to teacher to higher being, Mr. Orem has made the official motto of his order, Orem et Laborem. His order is now recruiting members who previously have “acted monkey”. If interested, contact Mr. Orem via prayer at 1-800-BLESSED.
Right Tighty, _______ Loosie:
Proposed Maker Faire submissions
Do’s and Dont’s of the Dutch
By: Michael Talone '20
By: Mark John Haak '18
Al Ebertsion '20, decided to go all out. Having receiving funds from the Math and Science departments, he has decided to make a mobile particle accelerator. We know: it Many have succeeded so far, such sounds crazy. It will not allow for as Senior Terry Piet '17, who any giant experiments according to decided it was time for freshmen to Al Ebertsion '20, but would truly start acting better and made the Fro- bring about a new age in mobile sh remote. He described it as “the devices. perfect tool for teachers for making them listen in class.” The faculty The final open submission is from are making an automatic JUG giver The Wrangler, which is making which is estimated to give more their project as a club, and it is a JUGs in one day than it would this way to spitball “satirical ideas” whole year so far. It is already faster. They have yet to name it, being attacked by the student body but open submissions have quickly and, as a result of these projects, called this “The Think Tank” and multiple freshmen have boycotted will soon be made by its PR team this event. at an undisclosed date. We hope to see all of these completely official Yet one of the few freshmen to join, projects at the end of the fair. Makers from around the campus have come to the Innovation Commons to give it a shot at winning first place at the Maker Faire.
“Steve Smith”; CIA Agent? By: Nik Kirk '19 Do you know who the real Steve Smith '96 is? Stop for one second and think about it. No, he’s not the real Slim Shady, and no, he’s not an English teacher. This is all just a ploy - a fake identity. This man wakes up at 4:00 AM every morning and pumps iron religiously. He’s huge. Do you see any other teachers as muscular as him? No, you don’t, and that’s because he isn’t actually a teacher! He’s a CIA agent from the future.
from The Matrix. Coincidence? No, definitely not. Also, according to a freshman, last year, Mr. Smith predicted that Kevin Durant of the Oklahoma City Thunder would sign with the Golden State Warriors. A few months later, this actually happened. How could he have known this? Since when has Mr. Smith '96 been associated with basketball in any way, shape, or form? Does Mr. Smith even know what a three-pointer is? The only answer is that he’s from the That’s right. Just think about it. future! He knew this would hapSteve Smith is one of the most ge- pen because he saw it happen. neric names you can have. Steve. Smith. That’s a perfect fake name So, The Wrangler is catching on to for a guy who needs to be under- you, Mr. Smith. Watch out. cover. Also, look at Agent Smith
With the opening of Brophy’s • DO build up your strength new athletic center, the Dutch, with the weights machines The Wrangler wanted to take or free weights! the opportunity to encourage students to take advantage of • DON’T even bother with the new facilities while rethis unless you are willminding them to follow the ing and able to slam the rules set in place by the adweights down as hard as ministration. you can and/or scream at the top of your lungs after • DO stay hydrated while each set. exercising! It’s the key to good health. • DO increase your endurance on the brand new • DON’T sweat out all that indoor track! water. Sweating is just as bad as spilling your drink, • DON’T bother setting a so don’t do it. goal to run a certain distance. You’ll lose track of • DO improve your golf how many laps you’ve run game on the state-of-the-art before you get there. golf simulators! So, Broncos, remember to fol• DON’T go anywhere near low these guidelines and you’ll these machines unless you achieve your fitness goals in have played on the PGA no time! Just make sure that tour or have broken 60. time isn’t after 4:00, since that’s when the Dutch closes.
The OFJ’s new smash hit, coming to a theater near you! By: Cooper Dinowitz ‘17
Other ways to find Brophy satire! @BrophyWrangler
Listen to the Podcast
Join The Wrangler Suffering from a bad spell of Senioritis? Or even an ailment of the lower classes? Then join The Wrangler! We put the “grin” in chagrin!
The Wrangler © 2017 Editors Moderators Max Basile '17 Mark John Haak '18 Michael Murphy '18 Nik Kirk '19
Mr. John Damaso '97 Ms. Serena Crosson Mr. Steve Smith '96