The WrangLer Before printing this edition, we made sure to have St. Ignatius of Loyola pray for it Edition Roman Numeral Fifty-Nine
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Feature: Student Council Advice: Get into Harvard Review: We promise it’s spent how much on a time 100% guaranteed! Call now your teachers’ fault you’re machine?! for a free offer! failing, not yours Student Council’s “Homecometh: A waltz through the eons” By: Mark John Haak '18 and Nikolas Kirk ‘19
THE DIRECTION FRESHMEN LOOK WHEN TALKING TO SENIORS: Brophy’s
Homecoming took place in the Great Royal Harper Palace Hall. Many students preferred waltzing to EDM rather than the typical fist-pumping, calling the traditional dance “super indie.” Brophy’s Homecoming dance took place not too long ago, and there seemed to be a little bit of confusion when it came to the theme. Student Council announced the dance to be a “dance through the decades,” but failed to mention which century (or centuries) students would be dancing through. The “90s,” for example, is surely a decade, but humanity has experienced over 19 different versions of the “90s,” so a lot of liberty in terms of outfits was given to the students because of this critical omission.
Peter Burr ’17, one of the alumni who attended the dance, said, “Man, I wish I was in high school again.” Some seniors told The Wrangler that Peter Burr ’17 seemed “ten years” older than a normal high school student, pointing to his full beard as a clear indicator. Coincidently, Mr. Burr ’07 was absent from the dance as well. Even the music at Homecoming paid tribute to the theme. “My favorite song was the EDM mix where the DJ screamed ‘The British are coming!’ just before the drop. That made the crowd get so lit,” said Rae Vers ’18. There was also karoake where students could sing any Psalm they chose.
Some students came dressed as famous historical figures, like Abraham Lincoln, Leonardo da Vinci, and Mr. Tom Danforth ’78. Others, however, chose to represent the commonfolk Despite recycling old ideas, unlike The Wrangler, of past decades by wearing a solid-colored Polo Homecoming turned out to be a huge success for shirt and khakis, a common outfit of those from students who desired Student Council to make the 16th century. events “for the culture.”
News in Briefs • Varsity Shop to begin selling clown costumes at “extremely low” cost of $500 • Coach Heideman releases new Frosh Retreat format: extended 24-hour prayer service • Rumor spreading throughout Class of 2021: Mr. Middlemist '87 found playing with Star Wars toys in the kid’s section at Target • Freshman thinks he’s original by playing Flappy Golf in class, upperclassmen chuckle • Mr. Oldani reports record-high amount of alumni from the 1980s attending Homecoming • Coach Denk tries to lure teachers to old weight room with floating protein supplements, reminiscent of IT • Dean Higgins to JUG all students found kneeling during morning prayer, Genuflecting Club outraged • English Department reports use of “OHN” rises in essays following Fr. Greg Boyle’s talk • Freshman “can’t wait” for next co-ed assembly with Xavier • Mr. Orem and Mr. Rutt '08 use Honors Ignatian Encounter as elite Jesuit Academy, students use the “Holy Spirit” and become “Jesuit Knights” • Fr. del Toro to form “Marrufo Industries” to help Physics students who have fallen on hard times
Class of 2021 begs administration to take the “spooky, scary monsters” out of Halloween By: Johnathan Ray '19 As the holiday that exploits children’s unnatural craving for cavity-creating candy crawls closer, many students have started discussing what they will be dressing up as. Brophy has always embraced students’ creativity in what they choose to wear and why. However, members of the freshman class have requested vehemently for some costumes to be banned due to their scare factor, and Brophy faculty have obliged. Here are three of the costumes that you cannot wear to Brophy this year:
triggering horrific memories of sitting on Santa’s lap at the mall. “He was like a psychic,” explained Barry Scary ’21 in a recent interview. “Every time I sat on his lap, he knew exactly what I wanted for Christmas without me having to tell him. How did he know, man? How did he know?” He then proceeded to bang his head against the wall, crying and begging for an answer to his question.
some senior. It jumped off him and started doing backflips and one-handed push-ups. A crowd started to form around them, cheering him on. It looked like they were worshipping some demonic creature. By the time it walked toward me to offer me a high-five, I was already calling my parents, begging them to come pick me up.”
Man Selling Red Balloons: In the Headless Bronco: Adored by many, past, this has been a relatively harmless students will be disappointed to find costume: a student would walk around this costume on the list, which has campus and give a free red balloon to Santa Claus: At first, it seems like a been banned due to its disturbing behavior. “I anyone who asked. However, after this year’s costume like this shouldn’t need to be remember shadowing at Brophy on Halloween smash horror movie IT, freshmen can’t help on this list — it’s way too early to be last year,” said Fronk N. Steen ’21. “There was but cower in fear whenever they see the satanic thinking about Christmas. However, Brophy this guy who wore the Bronco mascot, but it was object. “I don’t want to float too!” said Pen E. faculty have banned this costume due to it missing its head and was riding on the back of Wise ’21. “Please God don’t let me float!”
The Wrangler’s guide to Fantasy Teaching 2017
The Wrangler’s guide to college applications
By: Zach Linhart '19
By: Bryan Gopal '19
Teachers you should pick up:
Teachers you should drop:
Ms. Toshner: Look, she was the best pick of last year’s draft as 84.75% of teams that drafted her won their championship. Don’t be scared by the shared classes with newcomer Mr. Birgenheir - SHE WILL PERFORM. Her efficient and effective methods will always transfer to points.
Mr. Agliano: He had earthshattering production this year in his classes. His unparalleled ability to blow students’ minds with deep ethical issues and scripture has been the key reason for his recent fantasy success. However, Mr. Agliano has already been placed on reserve with a season-ending condition: fatherhood.
Dean Higgins: No surprise here. He is “Mr. Consistent.” He has delivered on his JUG quota for the first quarter and has even exceeded it by an extra 10-20 JUGs. It does not hurt that Halloween is imminent. With students expected to obliterate the dress code, he’ll have plenty of opportunities to drop some JUGs. Mr. Welty ’83: I have a serious question. Have you ever seen anything faze this man? He is a brick wall. His unrivaled ability to approach any situation completely calm, cool, and collected makes him so elite. I don’t care who his matchup is, this man can take it, and then thrive. He has been in the game so long that he has become it.
Mr. Rutt ’08: He has an amazingly high ceiling for points in the future. However, following a position change from teaching social studies to religion, Mr. Rutt ’08 will need to show consistency in order to be a full-time starter. There are less risky options out there, but because of his great potential, Mr. Rutt ’08 would be great trade bait.
Some of you seniors may be reading this article as a distraction from the impending deadline for college applications. The Wrangler proudly believes in the merits of pretending issues don’t exist (why do you think this edition contains jokes weeks too late?), but we’d still like to bring you the two most important tips for college applications.
Ivey S. Cole '14 wishes he’d done this. “I ended up only applying to a few schools, and I got into Harvard. Looking back, I know there were smaller schools that would’ve been better, like the University of Lax-Bros,” he explains.
TIP 1: Quantity over Quality.
TIP 2: Do as little work as
Don’t listen to your counselors — submit an application for every college in existence. It doesn’t matter if your profile falls far below or above that of the average incoming freshman. College University? Check. University of College? Add that to the list too. As senior Cole GeApp ’18 says, “I have a 1.1 weighted GPA, but I’m still submitting an application to every single Ivy League!” The Wrangler recommends applying not only to safety and reach schools, but to “this college exists?” and “I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning twice” schools as well.
Coach Moore: Normally a lock in lineups, Coach Moore’s elite status has taken a hit because of Coach Schwertley ’99 and his breakout rookie year. Pair that with Coach Denk taking touches away, and Coach Moore’s production is bound to drop. He may very well prove the doubters wrong, knowing him, but be prepared to have a
Never get stuck in this situation. Apply to every school imaginable. possible.
In lieu of all the applying you’ll be doing, you only need to write one essay for all your colleges. College applicant Nowih Tall ’18 explains, “Whenever I have to turn in an essay, I just replace all the university-specific noun spaces in my last essay. A little change of the university name here, school motto there, and I’ve got myself something brand new to submit to colleges!” The Wrangler discovered that around 95% of all applicants turn in unfilled mad-libs essays and still get into top schools. The main takeaway here is simple: colleges only care if you’re good at being lazy.
Editorial: What is “satire?”
Society of Jesus to make special exception...
By: Nikolas Kirk '19
By: Mark John Haak '18
Some of you may love The Wrangler because it’s “funny.” Stop right there - it’s not funny at all. It is “satirical.” Two different things. The former is generally benign in spirit, and the latter is vicious and malevolent in spirit - a spirit which has been overtaken by a demon that suffocates the life out of its prey through ironic asphyxiation and unproductive cynicism that lends itself to an unending cycle of nihilism in which the host is forever trapped in ironic asphyxiation and unproductive cynicism which again leads to nihilism in which… You get the point.
not alter (you all are an obstinate bunch, after all). I will have merely ridiculed a piece of our culture for your amusement, and you will find no value in my words in terms of social progression because it either hit your head and bounced off like a tangent line (talk to Ms. Toshner if that reference failed to land just like Apollo 11 (talk to Mr. McShane ’82 if that reference accomplished its goal as well as the Kellogg-Briand Pact did (Mrs. Venberg can help you with that one, if you need))), or you just don’t care (I’m crying, in that case). But, whose fault is that? Do you really think our world is too far gone to be fixed by some irony that you just ignore my supposed underlying message? Or, is the world already amazing, and I’m just creating problems where there aren’t any?
Satire enjoys being depicted as a catalyst for change in society. What better way to get people to like you than to be (somewhat) comical AND (rarely) influential? Yet, I promise you it doesn’t lead to any benefit. In fact, satire is actually just an ad hominem attack against humanity. As a satirist, I want to Who’s the demon: satire, me, you, explicitly tell you that, after reading or Mr. Damaso ’97 for approving this, your view of the world will this article?
Join The Wrangler! Grades not too hot after the first quarter? Join The Wrangler, become funny, and use your newfound humor to persuade your teachers to give you straight A’s by the end of the semester. Foolproof plan! Meetings are at lunch Tuesday’s in B202. Contact an editor or moderator to get involved today!
The Wrangler © 2017 Editor-in-Chief:
Head of Twitter:
Moderators:
Michael Murphy ’18 Head of Photoshop: Mark John Haak ’18
Johnathan Ray ’19 Head of Outreach: Nate Anderson ’19
Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
Head of Editing and Formatting:
Head out of Reach:
Nikolas Kirk ’19
Mr. Austin Pidgeon ’08