The WrangLer Certified experts to help you escape the simulation of life Edition Roman Numeral Sixty-Four
Feature: An inside look at Brophy’s conflicted newspaper
Real. Comfortable. News.
@BrophyWrangler
Investigation: Why is Review: Rejected class English required if students ideas that didn’t educate know the language? the whole person
Editorial: I am part of the Wresistance inside The Roundup administration By: not Bryan Gopal ’19
The Wrangler is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior reader of The Roundup whose identity is known to us and whose very real job would in no way be jeopardized by its disclosure. We believe publishing this handwritten note anonymously is a way to deliver a perspective to our readers. The Roundup is facing a test diligently from within to to its stability unlike any promote its agenda and its faced by a modern American best inclinations. newspaper. I would know. I am not one It’s not just that the pressure of them. to top its previous 41-awardwinning performance at this To be clear, ours is not the year’s Arizona Newspaper steadying hand on the Awards looms at large. Or driver’s wheel. Ours is the that the student population self-indulging, over-the-top is bitterly unified over hand that wants to cut the the paper’s outstanding car’s brakes and send it off leadership in the journalistic a bridge in the good name of community. Or even satire. that Mr. Jake Kelly ’09 is demanding all newspaper We here at the Wresistence photography be done in sepia pride ourselves on making to commemorate the ten-year the news a prerequisite anniversary since his own to understanding our Brophy graduation. journalism. We agonize over whether or not our readers The dilemma – which the will be satisfied getting the organization does not fully joke much more than whether grasp – is that all of its or not the work we do is senior officials are working progressive in any way.
“There is literally no fun in betting whether or not the editorial staff will impulsively change their minds from one minute to the next,” Kay Os ’20 complained to me recently, exasperated by a staff meeting at which everyone stayed on task, assigned deadlines, and completed a great deal of work. “I came here to write about how Dean Higgins unjustly biased the shirt-logo policy against people with small fists – you know, real news!” And as your personal satisfaction from discerning the allusions this article made wanes, I leave you with one final thought: though its brakes may get cut, that ride down the bridge can be pretty beautiful.
News in Briefs • Student Council overspends Homecoming budget, launches Fr. Del Toro into space • Entirety of student body’s showers break, leads to outbreak of hand, foot, and mouth disease • Halloween losing popularity due to increasing horror of every other day of the year • Dean Higgins uses Mass dress call system to notify students of JUG after students leave him “on read” • President of Brophy Centrists still “on the fence” of when next club meeting will take place • Kanye West meets with Dean Higgins to defend hypebeast culture, cites concern over small, humble logos • Friends of Wrangler contributor “exhausted” from pretending articles are funny • Brophy administration interviews Mr. Hubbell to better understand how women feel about sexism on campus
Annotations: Can students (actively) read? By: Johnathan Ray ’19 “I had to look away,” Mr. Damaso ’97 commented when discussing annotations made in Things Fall Apart. “Most books were filled with random question marks and exclamation points. But the thing that took it over the edge was at the end of the book when one student wrote, ‘HE DIED?!?!?!’ I’m sure he’ll make a wonderful literary analyst English teachers like Mr. Steve when he grows up.” Smith ’96 and Mr. John Damaso ’97 were shocked at the annotations. As of right now, the student body has made no unanimous response. “I couldn’t believe it,” said Mr. Smith “I know that Ender was the main ’96 while talking about a student’s character of the book,” said Bryce annotations of Ender’s Game. “Most Smith ’22, “but I just wanted to of them just highlighted every other make sure that I know just in case I paragraph. The others just circled forget.” random sentences. One student just underlined Ender’s name every Another student summarized his OPPOSITE OF “PU”: This is a clear example of extremely active nontime it popped up. Does he think his position on the issue: “How am I reading. Circling every single instance of the letter “i” in a paragraph isn’t name has a different meaning every supposed to read if I have to write at reading. time it shows up or something?” the exact same time?” The Brophy student body has been caught in the middle of an appalling controversy: it was discovered that 400 students had faked their annotations for their English classes. The English Department revealed it did not matter if you were a freshman or a senior – nobody could write a “decent” note in the margins.
Non-scary things scare students
Hoarders: Teacher edition
By: Jack Keeton ’19
By: Zane Adamany ’22
Michael’s Food Prices The prices in Michael’s are so high they’d give even the richest student a heart attack. Let’s be honest, $20 for a napkin is a little much. But their breakfast burritos are just too good to boycott.
While it is no secret that many teachers have their idiosyncrasies, a shocking discovery was reported to The Wrangler. It was reported that many teachers have been hoarding items that they seem to be unable to live without.
Piper Bathrooms A constant war zone, Piper bathrooms are evidence of how futile chemical warfare is in modern society. I don’t care what you say, no amount of Lysol can fix the smell in those bathrooms.
The first incident of this occurred when Hob Bit ’22 walked into Mr. Middlemist’s ’87 classroom and caught a glimpse of the teacher crouching over a hardcover first edition of Lord of the Rings, whispering, “my precious.”
Xavier Students For the past month or so, rumours of contagious diseases have spread around Brophy. We here at The Wrangler take the health of our readers seriously and we have found the source of the panic: cooties. The recent cootie outbreak is actively being combated by Brophy students’ natural fear of Xavier students, the carriers of the mysterious disease. There is no vaccine for cooties so avoid being touched at all costs. The Dean Possibly the reincarnation of Rambo, he’s like a shadow lurking behind you, armed to the teeth with Saturday JUGS. He can strike terror into the hearts of giants. Watch your step and your hair length. Belts The belt rule in the dress code is continually ignored by the Brophy student body, but why? While it may be confusing to Mr. Ian Aston, every student knows the true horrors of a belt. Just imagine how scary it would be to actually hold your pants up. Truly terrifying.
FRRR: The closet to Narnia?
Just this last Tuesday, Pep See ’22 walked into the classroom of Mr. Leyba ’94, only to find him stuffing hundreds of cans of the not-sopopular cola brand “Bepis” into his drawers. This sophomore was almost immediately given a JUG and reported this bit of information to This is only the first of a line of increasingly The Wrangler hoping that something will be disturbing instances. Another similar incident done to stop the rapidly increasing cases of was reported by G.B. Packer ’22 after teachers accumulating strange things in their accidentally walking into room B112. The classrooms. freshman reported that he could visibly see
Rejected classes that Mrs. Brophy would have never supported By: Chase Thompson ’19 and Liam Richardson ’20 Aviation - A semester course dedicated to the study of flight as it relates to Flappy Golf.
History of Piracy - A historical look at past Mass Dress 101 - A semester-long “Wikihow” moderators of Senior Assassins and the never- that teaches freshmen how to tie the Brophy tie. awarded prizes. Dean Dodging 101 - A class dedicated to Co-ed Dance - Nevermind on this one. studying the schedule and habits of Mr. Higgins in order to avoid being caught not wearing a Freshman Swim - A physical education class belt or having improper hair length. for freshmen using the new pool on the roof of
Free FNLs no longer “worth” attending
existential crisis with another quote stating, “All this happened, more or less.”
Nevertheless, the FRRR does seem to have practical applications, including nearly everything except for reading. Throughout the week in this room, one might find students conducting fantasy football drafts, recording songs, suffering from claustrophobia, and, oddly enough, conducting “meetings.” Also, some When asked if he’s ever visited the people who sleep in the FRRR are FRRR, Alexandre Dumas ’21, not even affiliated with Brophy. moments before he dove into a Samuel Clemens ’20, an ardent nearby bush, peculiarly responded, defender for all humans to sleep “How did I escape? With difficulty. in this room, explained, “There is How did I plan this moment? With more real pleasure to be gotten out pleasure.” of a malicious act, where your heart is in it, than out of thirty acts of a Yet, though few students visit this nobler sort.” mysterious room, it is likely for good reason. Upon entrance, students To this day, while the Father are greeted with frightening quotes Renna Reading Room may remain plastered on the wall: “A screaming mysterious, it undoubtedly has comes across the sky” and “It was made a resonating impact on the a pleasure a burn.” Truly, the room lives of many. itself may cause one to have an
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the Dutch.
Boxing - A class exclusively for students College Admissions - A full-year senior course from Canada and select parts of the British focused on teaching techniques to stop you Commonwealth – a rigorous preparation for from putting off your application. the day after Christmas.
By: Will Hays ’21 Whether it be the pool on the roof of Robson Gym or the basement in Romley Hall, some areas on campus remain relatively unknown to the majority of students. However, the library in Brophy Hall, officially known as the Father Renna Reading Room, stands out above the rest. Located at the end of the secondfloor hallway, only students taught by Mr. Damaso ’97 or Mr. Unrein are likely to ever notice it.
Mr. Burns hiding 20-year-old Chicago Bears memorabilia behind a mirror in the bathroom. The freshman had just enough time to escape the room without being spotted, but during the latest occurrence, the student was not so lucky.
By: Johnathan Ray '19
WHERE OUTER SPACE IS: AP Macroeconomics students have taken to proving that FNLs are falling out of favor with the student body. This student graph shows that Student Council should probably be paying people to attend. Luckily, it would score all nine points on an AP FRQ.
The Wrangler © 2018 Editing Board: Advisers: Nate Anderson ’19 Mr. John Damaso ’97 Jack Keeton ’19 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Nikolas Kirk ’19 Johnathan Ray ’19 Disclaimer: All jokes are completely literal. Printed on recycled Roundup editions.