The WrangLer The official giver of “thanks” during this Thanksgiving season Edition Roman Numeral Sixty-Five
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Feature: Brophy fundraising Investigation: American Review: OFJ urges students efforts too effective, leads schools care about to “live with” the saints via to concerns of greed Englishman Shakespeare? fantasy football Brophy gains budget surplus, leads to Brophy 2.0 upgrades By: Zane Adamany ’22 Today, Brophy’s administration was able to announce that Brophy has won the $1.6 billion Megamillions jackpot. Luckily, correspondents gave The Wrangler the early scoop on how the money will be spent before The Roundup received news.
it by stating that they would be putting $300 million down as their grand total in hopes of winning the Stock Market Game. They have promised to give some of their winnings back to Brophy. The only other entity that came even close to them in terms of spending was Crew, who decided that they One thing was made certain: would ditch their regular boats finding a way to spend the and buy the Apple Store yacht. money is not going to be a problem. After that, the Chess Team started construction on a The first and least surprising moving, hyper-realistic replica thing that was found out came of the giant chessboard from from sophomore Muna Nee ’21, Harry Potter for a whopping who said that part of the money $209 million, and the Scithat was won is being taken Fi Movie Club is purchasing personally by Ms. Renke. He functioning plasma sabers at a also reported that this money price of $12 million per unit. is going towards fundamental improvements, such as evenly However, security at Brophy spaced golden fire hydrants will also tighten with this new and a new building dedicated wealth. Mr. Buchanan has to the study of zoology. After said he will use some of the this expenditure, the rest of the money to construct an entirely money will be split unevenly new surveillance system that between different groups at would include drones, satellite Brophy. imaging, and an experimental 3D mapping system. This new Many different clubs and sports system, based off of sonar have vied for the money, but it technology, would be used was ultimately the Stock Market to detect troublemakers and Club, who got the majority of administer JUGs to students
Flappy Golf remains unflappable By: Keegan Horton ’21
remotely. Dean Higgins, who is collaborating with Mr. Buchanan on this project, justified this expenditure with the assertion, “It’s for the safety of our students, not the increase of JUGs dispensed.” The validity of this claim has been challenged on multiple occasions, but all dissidents have seemingly disappeared. With the rest of the money that isn’t used up or unaccounted for, students have been lobbying to dedicate a portion of the money to quality of life improvements, such as better seats during mass and a decrease in Michael’s food prices. Despite these expenditures, the money would still probably not be used up completely, so the Fantasy Football Club took charge and promised to “carefully bet” the rest of the money in order to increase income. Unfortunately, that wager was lost on a bad trade where Tom Brady was traded for Ethan Pocic.
News in Briefs • First turkey president asks if he can pardon himself • Student starts Movember one year early, still loses to Mr. Martinez • Mr. Fisko raises funds to drive to Turkey • Freshman confused why “He” and “Him” capitalized in Bible, begins capitalizing all pronouns in Scripture essays • The Wrangler not considered “fine art” at FAE • Diocese hires independent special counsel to investigate Mr. Ryan’s Red Army connections • Shadows disappear at noon every single day • Dean Higgins yells in Quiet Room, JUGs himself • Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight gives Brophy Swim a controversial 100% chance of winning state title next year • Supreme Club makes first and only appearance at Brophy Fashion Show
What to be thankful for this Thanksgiving season By: Nikolas Kirk ’19 • Snappers and clappers at Mass: They do a wonderful job at clapping on the beat, establishing a solid, structured four-count that our musicians can rely on. • Sra. Freeman’s stuffed animals: They really add to the classroom experience, giving any student who is feeling sick, lonely, or tired a friend they can converse with during classtime. • Kairos: The retreat gives seniors that sense of exclusivity that they’ve been waiting to attain for three long years. After all, it’s one big “secret.” • Homework: This is held as common sense. Without all of that work, what else would you be doing during actual school hours?
IT STARTS WITH AN L: Flappy Golf has long been a staple of every Brophy student’s experience. However, evidence reveals that maturity holds an inverse relationship with the app’s usage – a shocking discovery.
Saints pray for students through fantasy league Olde English misses the mark in Romeo and Juliet By: Liam Richardson ’20 and William Hays ’21
By: Jackson Bernreuter ’21
As Thanksgiving break fast approaches, so too does the Week 12 gauntlet of NFL games with every fantasy football team eliminated from the playoffs complaining about it (sorry, Otto Drafter ’19, but it’s really your fault you took Le’veon Bell in the first round). Teams have a big decision to make: win the championship or forever suffer in ignominy. Weirdly, nine out of ten times, Brophy students choose the latter.
As passionate patrons of the arts, Brophy students pride themselves in their intellectual prowess. To demonstrate that this year, Brophy put on Romeo and Juliet by the mastermind William Shakespeare. The Wrangler was able to sit down for a conversation with Toby O. Nahtobe ’19 about his reactions after seeing the play. As an ardent theatre critic from The Roundup, he took a step up and faced the challenge of commenting on Romeo and Juliet.
Fantasy football, however, is too mainstream, and Jesus was not mainstream. Unlike the millions who blindly play fantasy football every year, Jesus was a nonconformist of Emersonian proportions. He calls students to the Magis (which for those of you who haven’t been on the retreat means “glorifying and misappropriating the saints in a fantasy-football-esque game”). So, Fr. Del Toro S.J. and Mr. Agliano put their heads together, concocting the Fantasy Saints League. The rules are simple: saints earn their teams points for performing healings, miracles, casting out demons, and living an overall saintly life with each week correlating to a prolific year of their ministries. Here are some of the headlines from this year: • Ignatius takes season-ending cannonball to knee, which is even more disappointing since he had previously gone out and set the league on fire. • Lucifer and his Minions fall to The Pits of Hell in a crushing defeat despite scoring 666 points. • Alvin Kamara wrecks league after Sr. Munro argues he “technically qualifies as a Saint.” • Mr. Fisko becomes “addicted from the first snap,” creates Office of Fantasy Saints podcast. • Mr. Damaso finds 5 tools to edit his team for him, saves him 10 minutes of precious time each week. • St. Drausinus, patron saint of the invincible, suffers turf toe in Week 10 matchup. • Crusade-Gate: Pope Urban II promises fire and brimstone for all Catholics who don’t fight the “pagans in the East[ern Conference],” reminded by coaches that, first, he’s not a saint for a reason, and, second, the Crusades ended 700 years ago. • Team with 0-10 record wonders, “How do teams even score points? I mean they’re saints, not football players. I don’t understand this game.” • Martin Luther protests league citing “extortionary league fees,” forms own organization: “Righteous Rugby Association.” If you’d like to join next year, Venmo $500 and a prayer to pfisko@ totallynottheturkeydrive.org
Wrangler: Welcome, we are glad to a secondary antagonist who drives have you. I have heard you are quite the Romeo to extremes, really toys with connoisseur. the audience’s emotions. It’s classic Shakespeare. Toby: Where did you hear that? W: Wow. I was not expecting that after W: Your mom told us after she signed the last answer. The next question I have the waiver allowing us to interview you. for you is about how the cast portrayed the shift from a comedy to a tragedy, TN: Okay, cool. I guess I am a particularly centered around Mercutio’s connoisseur. and Tybalt’s death. W: Great. The first question has to be, TN: Yes, I definitely think it was funny how has this interpretation of one of until it wasn’t. Shakespeare’s masterpieces differed from any other of his plays you have W: Anything to add to that? seen? TN: I think I covered all my thoughts in TN: No comment. that response. W: Excuse me? TN: Sorry, I haven’t seen any other plays by this fellow. W: Okay, we must have been misinformed by our professional intelligence staff. Moving on, what do you make of the role of Count Paris in the relationship between not only Romeo and Juliet, but also relations between the families? TN: Well, if you look at it from a literary standpoint, Count Paris isn’t quite an antagonist, but is a catalyst for conflict to occur. The double identity of Paris, both as an innocent character who was caught up in a nasty feud and as
W: Interesting. How much do you actually know about Romeo and Juliet? TN: It really depends. W: Finally, I want to ask you what you make of Romeo’s broken iambic pentameter at the conclusion of Act 5. TN: Uhh… Sorry to say, I’m pretty sure there are two acts; one before intermission and one after. I knew it was going to be a trick question. W: I think we’ve learned all that we can in this interview. Thank you for your time and please just go. TN: Et tu, Brute? Fine, I’ll leave.
Red Army enters new Cold War By: Jonathan Ray ’19 A group of elderly citizens rioted outside of Brophy’s campus after hearing rumors that Brophy was made up of members of the Red Army. “The Front Lawn was invaded by a ‘democratic’ force of champagne Buicks,” said Pladimir Vutin ’19. The group, made up of the grandfathers of Brophy students, demanded that Brophy either expel members of the former communist army or shut down the school altogether.
communist every year. The higher-ups own everything on campus, students are given endless amounts of work to complete with little incentive for it, and students are forced to wear ‘Red Army’ T-shirts once every week.” As of right now, the Brophy administration has not responded to these bum raps, but there have been reports from grandparents claiming that rioters have been double-crossed by the Kool Grandfathers at Brophy (KGB) Club despite a promised policy of perestroika.
“We’ve been hearing stories from our grandsons about Brophy,” said grandfather Carl Marks, “and, based on what we’ve heard, we’re surprised As tensions continue to rise, the Brophy that no one has noticed how the administration has remained shockingly ABOVE YOU: A once prestigious group for elderly citizens, the KGB has had a recent identity crisis. school is becoming more and more silent, allowing the riots to continue.
Join The Wrangler! Is it Christmas yet? Do you want to give Jesus a present for his birthday? You can do that by writing satirical articles for Brophy’s community. He’d love it! Meetings are at lunch on Tuesdays in B202. Contact an editor or adviser to get involved today.
The Wrangler © 2018 Editing Board: Advisers: Nate Anderson ’19 Mr. John Damaso ’97 Jack Keeton ’19 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Nikolas Kirk ’19 Johnathan Ray ’19 Disclaimer: All jokes are completely literal. Printed on recycled Roundup editions.