The WrangLer Trying to find a cure for senioritis before the next outbreak Edition Roman Numeral Sixty-Six
Real. Comfortable. News.
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Feature: It’s the end of Investigation: The powerful Review: Teachers are trying satire, and we’re not ready people on campus aren’t in to improve, but they won’t to say goodbye the Dean’s Office let you know that
News in Briefs
Editorial: The Wrangler is cancelled By: Liam Richardson ’20 As a credible, hard-hitting journalistic institution, The Wrangler never shies from the truth. But we need to get particularly real for a moment. To all 8 of our readers, this Monday we ask you to defend satire’s independence. If everyone reading this donated $3, we could keep Wikipedia – we mean, The Wrangler – thriving for years to come. The price of a coffee is all we need. It’s a little awkward for us to ask you… just kidding. It wouldn’t matter anyways. Satire is dead. This week, the artist formerly known as The Wrangler, made the difficult decision to change its name to The Funyon, and then The Funyon (or the artist formerly known as The Wrangler) changed its name to The Wroundup. What can we say? We’re indecisive. (Oh, and
satire is dead). But first, some tell which one is fake. (That’s context: politicians aren’t the because all three are real). And best. you just got John-Olivered. The line between satire and reality is purposely blurred, but it is literally nonexistent now. Take these very real stories from the last few years: - Trump says he’d use ISIS to ‘scare the pope’ into supporting capitalism - Georgia Rep. fears Guam would capsize if U.S. assigned more military personnel to Guam - Kyrsten Sinema took $500 from Backpage.com Except all of those were articles written by The Onion – just kidding, two of them are real news headlines, and you can’t
And that’s our problem. Reality is already satirical gold. We can’t compete with that, and as a consequence, satire has devolved into deep-dive news stories with random jokes inserted to ease the pain of existence (see Colbert, Stephen; Minhaj, Hasan; Donlan, Tom). Satirical organizations across the tri-state area have been forced to decide: cover something serious and make it funny or recognize that reality is a meme anyways so satire is pointless. Here at The Wrangler, we asked ourselves, “Why not both?” (Indecision is obviously a problem of ours.) Hence, The Wroundup. Real/Fake, Comfortable/Uncomfortable, News/Satire.
Inessential dictionary for essentially Brophy things By: Bennett Fees ’20 Basement of Romley Hall (verb) – We could place is only for the brave. tell you, but then we’d have to take you to the basement. The Double Bubbler (noun) – If you have to ask, you’ll never know. If you know, you need Piper Bathrooms (adj.) – This godforsaken only ask.
• Students protesting that FAE Santa Claus was not Mr. Welty ’83 • Staffers of The Wrangler proud Mr. Danforth ’78 has not been star of a joke this year • Second ELF Drive launched to help students “stretched too thin” in ELF Drive • Mr. Damaso ’97 executes Edition 66, Mr. Middlemist ’87 declares “it’s treason then” • Students forced to take out second mortgage this year to attend Xavier’s Christmas Dance • Ms. Renke lists Brophy on eBay to raise funds to build private lake for crew team • In an effort to be more inclusive, Brophy renames “Christmas Break” to “Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus/Winter/ Christmas/New Year’s/Boxing Day/ Slovakian Independence Break” • Mrs. Venberg increases NHS GPA requirement to 6.12341 to help group “regain lost honor”
Teachers just don’t understand LaCroix
“Faith in Santa” seen as sign of maturation
By: Bennett Fees ’20
By: Jackson Bernreuter ’21
TOP OF THE MORNING: The generational divide between students and teachers is no more evident than in preferences of flavored sparkling water. Apparently, teachers just don’t understand how “cool” it is to drink LaCroix. Also, BUBLY doesn’t count.
NOT UNDERNEATH YOU: Belief is a key component of growing up, and the important aspect of Christmas is seen as increasingly present the older you get.
A non-egotistical gift to you
Teacher infallibility rejected in New Year’s resolutions
By: Jack Keeton ’19
By: Michael Duke ’22
As it is the season of giving, we here at The Wrangler have thought long and hard about what to give our dedicated readers. Sure, we could spoil you with money or other fleeting gifts, but in the end, we decided that the greatest presents ever are the articles we write for you. We have created a fill-in-theblank so that you can have a legendary article from The Wrangler whenever you want – enjoy.
A lot has been happening at Brophy recently and we’ve decided to summarize it all in one article. Wow, how about (insert Michael’s prices joke here)? They’re really crazy! Do you know what’s scarier? (Insert Dean Higgins joke here, follow with joke about absurd number of JUGs). Teachers are still doing some weird things (throw Mr. Danforth ’78 in here, just trust us). But freshmen are weirder (insert Flappy Golf). How could we forget about our rivals (insert The Roundup being bad here). Finally, (end with obviously fake quote from evidently fake student).
The Wrangler’s “Artists’ Corner” By: Matthew Ahearne ’19
It is a well known fact that no one is perfect, and with the seasons changing and a new year coming at us with the speed of a semi-truck, it is the perfect time to take a step back and wonder how we are going to improve ourselves. After asking one student what he is going to change in the new year and receiving the dull answer of “I’ll get better grades,” we decided that we were going to focus on the more interesting and complicated creatures that could be found on campus: teachers. From consuming two cups of coffee a period to inputting grades a month after assignments are completed, teachers are known to have their own habits which many would consider unusual. The Wrangler could not pass up an amazing opportunity to approach teachers and ask how they are planning on improving themselves. Mr. Fisko is one of the most common sights on campus. From having a singing competition with himself at school masses to seeing how many times he can get on the intercom after lunch, we have scored him in third place of teachers with the best resolutions. You’re probably asking yourself the question, “What’s his resolution?” When approached, he said that he is planning to limit the amount of emails he sends a week. He said that he is planning on making a stunning change from a dozen emails
a week to seven, which is quite unusual since he has never accomplished such a feat. When asked why he chose this resolution, he told us that he realized he sends far too many after he accidentally sent an email saying, “When’s dinner, honey?” Coming in at second place with his resolution is Mr. Buchanan. After being caught running an underground golf cart racing league, he told us that his resolution is that he is going to be “more relaxed with his job.” Though we are not quite sure what this means, it is safe to assume that there are going to be lunch line massacres and graffiti all over Piper bathrooms. We think he is already starting his resolution as he is beginning to give out licenses which allow students to eat in any part of the Dutch and print out and give official JUGs. Our sources have told us that if you want to acquire one of these “bad boys” you will need to go immediately after school on Tuesdays to the Robson Gym pool to buy one for a whopping twenty-two dollars. Coming in at first place is a man who needs no introductions (partly because we were too scared to write one), Dean Higgins. After meeting with him he refused to speak with us and asked us to leave. After this event, we have come to the conclusion that this is the best resolution because, sometimes, we have nothing to go back and change.
Inessential dictionary for essentially Brophy things (volume two) By: Bennett Fees ’20
NINETY DEGREES FROM THE HORIZONTAL : Brophy has wonderful artists – that’s why BLAM continues to invent innovative, creative contests!
The non-Jesuit superior generals of Brophy
JUG (adv.) – Picking up trash for ten presents itself for the first five minutes. minutes, and then pretending that there is more trash to pick up for the next fifty. Tuesday Sleep Math (noun) – You can stay up later because it all “balances out.” Flappy Golf (verb) – A trivial game to distract you from knowing that the The Fr. Edward A. Reese, SJ Aquatic earth will be uninhabitable in 30 years. Center (gym) – Ms. Renke’s genius plan to make the pool on top of the gym 6th Period (adj.) – A period where a nap less crowded.
By: Nikolas Kirk ’19 Although Brophy is one united school under the leadership Romley Hall, federalist principles demand that each building maintains some level of sovereignty in everyday functions. Here are the “iron fists” of each individual building: Eller: Dr. Donlan Unlike some heavy-handed rulers, Dr. Donlan has taken power through trickery: promises that “one day” they’ll be able to peek inside his box of treasures. Additionally, he’s secured
Piper: Disputed There are two rivals still fighting for absolute control: Mr. Aston and Ms. Toshner. Mr. Aston has Keating: Mrs. Hornbeck proven his willingness to employ any means necessary: handing out JUGs Don’t let her loving attitude fool you for not wearing a belt and simply – Mrs. Hornbeck is a very powerful making sure you notice his perfect woman. She’s the secret glue behind posture. On the other hand, Ms. all of the work of the OFJ. The Spanish Toshner’s charismatic yelling – seen Caucus of Keating also rallies behind as a populist war cry that promises a her, claiming that they’re all too more integrated future – fills Piper’s “loco” to organize themselves. She’s hallways and always seems to rally a the epitome of the benign autocrat. sizable coalition behind her. The fight crucial student support through his interpretive dances and uncanny ability to connect with teenagers through the “Squidmaster Initiative.”
Join The Wrangler! It’s time to take final exams, which means you have not started studying yet. That’s okay – you can write satirical articles instead! It’s the best way to study for any test. Meetings are at lunch on Tuesdays in B202. Contact an editor or adviser to get involved today.
will be a calculated one. Brophy: Ms. Maynard Brophy Hall has long been hailed as a peaceful realm. The reason is Ms. Maynard, a leader who has placed a domestic flourishing of the arts over aggressive external expansion. Ms. Maynard has led the charge to decorate the walls with murals and class photos of old, realizing that internal harmony is probably more important than other power struggles.
The Wrangler © 2018 Editing Board: Advisers: Nate Anderson ’19 Mr. John Damaso ’97 Jack Keeton ’19 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Nikolas Kirk ’19 Johnathan Ray ’19 Disclaimer: All jokes are completely literal. Printed on recycled Roundup editions.