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Feature: The Summit is still Investigation: Do students Review: Satirical news is on “human dignity,” and enjoy Hoopcoming, or are at a turning point and must people are shocked they lying? move forward seriously Did students enjoy Hoopcoming?
News in Briefs
By: Justin Smith ’20
• Hoopcoming ticket sales plummet after Student Council realizes 70 Xavier students will be away on father-daughter ski trip
C. Lou Less ’22: “Is that a thing?”
Ham Milton ’21: “I forgot who won, but go Broncos!”
Francis Arpope ’20: Dohn Jamaso ’19: “Brophy had Jesus. “I got the M.V.P. for Enough said.” defining ‘ceilidh.’”
Editorial: Please keep loving us, we promise to change By: Bryan Gopal ’19 Dean Higgins. Mr. Danforth ’78. Michael’s. Freshmen.
skewed sample. But when we sought out the help of resident statistician Mr. Ian Aston, he Do we have your attention? simply responded by asking, Good – because The Wrangler “Do you have a belt on?” has recently learned that Consequently, we all went to attention is a hard thing to get JUGs. come by these days. But while we were pretending When we conducted our annual to pick up trash, we ran into publication quality survey on Mr. Grindey and asked him the gym roof pool, we came if our data really were telling into possession of some highly the truth. And after our disturbing feedback. Gol conversation, it was safe to say Fische ’22 summarized our we could “bet our bippies” that findings perfectly, complaining we were unfortunately faced that “pieces about the minutiae with some tough realities. of Brophy peppered in with quippy jokes are too routine” The Wrangler fully admits and that he “loses interest we have unknowingly fallen halfway through reading.” victim to the 24-hour news cycle. Our readers’ constant Us, routine? Has he not seen desire to read about “the next our updated logo? big thing” that’s “happening right now” in “as little time We initially assumed this as possible” has been lost on survey consisted of a grossly our entire staff, and we deeply
apologize for this. But no longer. Moving forward, we’ve decided to make you mutter to yourself with that trademark marginal amusement we’re known for using articles exclusively filled with the pandering, misleading one-liners you’re actually here for. Instead of following through with one story and its mundane plot for an entire half page, we’ll use that space to talk about four disjointed cases, three incoherent situations, two discombobulated scenarios (and a partridge in a pear tree). Now that we know you’re eating Lucky Charms for the marshmallows, we’ll make the job easier for you by taking out everything else. After all, if satire is dead, why can’t journalism be as well?
• Mr. Oldani refuses to write check for Hoopcoming, leads to Student Council shutdown • Big Brothers unanimously tell freshmen to join the “Bigger Brothers” program in “Words of Wisdom” video • Misstur Mul1oy r3gretss faelyour of spelcheque in Googul Doqs • Phoenix Suns wonder if “having Jesus” will help them win this year • Student Planning Committee begins preparation for Summit on Health by “chugging Red Bulls” and “pulling eight all-nighters every week” • Ski Club goes ice block sledding on Senior Knoll in Mall • The Wrangler runs out of ideas, prints “New Year’s Resolutions” article • Wrangler’s high-brow humor confirmed to be one-edition phenomenon, appears to be glitch in the matrix • Mr. Fisko is still with the Office of Faith and Justice, gives announcement
The Rodeo: A negative positive feedback loop By: Dean Kobs ’20
EAST OF NORTH: The Summit on Human Dignity is trying to help students be healthier while educating them. However, students must be wondering, “How can I learn and be sane at the same time?”
Poetry in Silence: “ ,
– ... .”
State of The Wrangler address
By: Liam Richardson ’20 An anonymous writer once said, “2019 is the year of the introvert.” With that “introvert spirit” in mind, Ty Erd ’20 has launched an alternative to Poetry Out Loud for the more introspective (or perhaps lazy) poet.
Recently, lazy freshmen have compromised the integrity of P.I.S, viewing the activity as an opportunity to escape the arduous task of memorizing “Fire and Ice.” What these freshmen fail to recognize is that mental recitations require even more As Erd ’20 explains, “Yeah, Poe familiarity with a poem than oral is cool and all, but not all of us recitations, that one must beat the can be a ‘kung-fu panda’ poetry poem with a hose and find out professional. Some of us just want what it really means. to perform our poetry without being judged. Hence, Poetry in As Frobert Rost ’92 illuminates, Silence.” “These fainéant freshmen are a disaster for the 3 poets who take Poetry in Silence (or P.I.S.) is set in P.I.S. seriously. I guess nothing the Father Renna Reading Room gold can stay.” where self-reflective scholars can give their best mental recitations. To add insult to injury, the Father Stallace Wevens ’97 clarifies, “In Renna Reading Room has been the moving river of silent poetry, experiencing some problems with I was of three minds, like a tree in the air conditioning and heating which there are three blackbirds.” systems. Some say the world will Yeah, we have no idea what that end in fire, some say in ice. means either.
What really happened at Hoopcoming? By: Jackson Bernreuter ’21 The Wrangler launched an investigation to find the theme of Hoopcoming. Here are some of the highlights of our report:
one song that goes “na-nana-na-na nuh na-na-nana-na-na-na-na” being fan favorites. • Student Council declined a • Many students enjoyed the request for an interview, only “basketball-themed” dance. giving the words, “We had • Stew Coh ’19 was frustrated Jesus.” at many reused ideas like • Many people at the dance laser tag, planets hanging in were interviewed, including the Great Hall, and outfits Knotta Sportsguy ’20, who dating back to the 1770s. said, “Hoopcoming? What’s • Many students enjoyed the that?” three-point contests, bouncy houses with inflatable hoops, After a subpoena of all the and a new attraction this interviews gathered from year, basketball karaoke, Hoopcoming, The Wrangler still with Fergie’s version of the has not been able to submit a national anthem and that final report.
By: William Hays ’21 Approximately 172 years ago, The our readers. We really do cherish your Wrangler was founded, and it’s time to feedback. update the readership on the state of the paper. Dan Forthe ’19 advised writers, “If you could just fill an entire edition In short, the state of The Wrangler is with jokes about English teachers, the not strong. We have had to face the quality of your writing would be much ludicrous accusations of Trey Tore improved.” In addition, Hay Terr ’22 ’65 that we were colluding with The provided the constructive feedback of Roundup. It’s blasphemy. “END THIS NOW!” Finally, Encom P. Tent ’20 remarked, “Wait, The Wrangler Nonetheless, we must address our most still exists?” Truly, these observations critical accomplishment: increasing help us to not only grow as satirists our dedicated following of readers from but make us question who our target 8 to 9. Nobody saw this coming. Yet, audience really is. we’ve made significant gains satirically as well, including having numerous In all honesty, thank you for recycling existential crises (why do we exist half of the editions we hand out, and again?), forgetting to publish an edition we look forward to helping you recycle (oops?), writing about immortal the other half. We appreciate your freshman-played Flappy Golf, making continual support. commentary on how bad we are (oh wait, that’s every edition), and having We must keep The Wrangler first in to force our readership to take editions. our hearts. We must keep satire alive in our souls. We must keep faith in The However, while reviewing our own Wrangler’s destiny — that one failing accomplishments bring us (and you?) organization must be the hope and the much joy, we could not remember promise and the light and the glory last year in full without looking back among all comedians of the campus! at the most notable comments from God bless you. God bless our school.
A foolproof guide to choosing a POL poem By: Bennett Fees ’20
Are Brophy students ready to be healthy? By: Gavin Rivas ’20 The 2019 Summit on Human not fall asleep on the legs of Dignity approaches, and students the person behind them in the are already feeling guilty about gym. their unhealthy habits according • Coach Heideman is agreed to a climate survey. Here are a few upon to be the healthiest man of the most interesting results: on campus. He is leading polls to give the opening speech on • Four students pledged to how “going 212” is proven to decide their workshops for improve cardiovascular health. themselves. • Some students agreed to start The student body is counting delaying their three Kickstarts down the days until the Summit, to after first period. Coffee but the hope for a “healthier life” drinkers didn’t respond. may be hard to actualize. • Two students have agreed to
REACH FOR THE SKY: Selecting a poem for Poetry Out Loud is like Inception – which poet can students get into the mind of and plant a message through the vehicle of a poem? Does that make sense, or is it poetic?
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Nate Anderson ’19 Mr. John Damaso ’97 Jack Keeton ’19 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Nikolas Kirk ’19 Johnathan Ray ’19 Disclaimer: All jokes are completely literal. Printed on receycled Roundup editions.