The WrangleR Your one-stop shop for wholly appropriate hilarity Edition Roman Numeral Seventy-Four Real. Comfortable. News.
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Feature: Our inferiority Investigation: Is the Quiet Breaking: Scientists discover complex made manifest as Room living up to its name? that sunlight makes plants a superiority complex (No.) go vroom vroom Injustice under God: the Quiet Room By: Justin Smith ’20 The following transcript is taken from a Wrangler interview of a student serving a JUG. While the point of this interview was to elicit the student’s thoughts on how we’re better than the Roundup, he completely ignored our question and wouldn’t let us leave until we promised to publish his comments.
This all started ‘bout a month ago, when that kid found my office. Hardly anyone comes to the Father Renna Reading Room anymore, so I set up my practice there. Consider it alternative education. You can read the books, or pay me to read the people. That’s right. I’m Drew Hardy ’20, private eye. If you can put up with the long hours, what I do’s good pay… usually. I gotta admit, business was slow. This kid— small, freckled, seemed the freshman type— only thing big about him was his wallet. The job wouldn’t be easy, though. Kid was trying to find a study spot, thought he’d try the door marked “Quiet Room”. Some loudmouths kept ruining the atmosphere. Huh. Back in my day, I didn’t need silence to make it through Honors English I. Kids these days are all soft. Anyway, the client tells me he wants these fellas
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exposed to the administration. Wanted them JUG’d. I told him it’d take me throwin’ a lot of weight at the Dean for that. Kid didn’t care. Clients like him have a certain resolve to them, I guess. In return, he’d get me cash and a back door into the counterfeit Shadow Pass ring. Not to use their services, of course. Guys like me can’t pass for eighth graders any better than Steve Buscemi. You get what I’m saying? I’ve been hunting those fakers to expose their crimes since junior year, but I’ve never found a lead. This seemed like the only way, and I’d get some good cash out of it too. Needless to say, I took the job.
on pretty quickly. No doubt they’d heard I was coming. Client probably ‘fessed up as soon as they found him again. Now, in moments like these, you have two choices: cut your losses, or go all in on whatever strategy got you here in the first place. Well, guess what I chose? I tried bein’ friendly with ‘em, I yelled at ‘em, I even threatened the Dean on ‘em. Just when I thought I had ‘em with that—the door opened. Mrs. Hornbeck—bless her soul—got to see the end of my best Dean impression to date and a room of perfectly intimidated underclassmen. And that’s…that’s why I’m here. JUG’d.
• Brophy to pilot AP Journalism to produce content for The Wrangler
I walked into the quiet room the next day, and that kid was sugarcoating it. The place was as loud as the SAC itself. A real den of criminals. No belts, actual headphones, and whispered rumors of Sparknotes and Easybib. You gotta constantly watch yourself in this kinda company. It’s the kinda thrill that makes this worth all the work. I sat down by a couple of the weaker links, and tried to make some conversation. Didn’t work. The more I started talking, the more they all shut up. I caught
Hey, paper boy! Get over here! I’m not done yet. As the Dean was chewing me out, I saw my “client” in the office window, doing his best Cheshire Cat impression. You see? He set me up! That rat was probably workin’ for the Shadow Passers this whole time and did all this just to get me out of the way of their operation. Well, I’m not done with my chase. Drew Hardy ’20 may be the one holding the “No BCP Parking Sign”, but that kid’ll be the one serving a Saturday. Mark my words.
• Senior “elects to withdraw” from Brophy after turning in excused absence form only one day before absence
• YOU MISSED THE DEADLINE: HONORS AND AP APPLICATIONS WERE DUE JANUARY 27!!!! • Brophy buses to gain TV access to mass and awards assembly recordings archive • Brophy administration knows you’re trying to sneak your tire through gaps in speed bumps—you’re not outsmarting them • Baby Nut sparks intense theological discussions about the possibility of reincarnation
• Brophy sophomore still struggling to fit in • Students petition for a summit on the importance of lumbar support after one too many assemblies crammed into the lower part of Robson Gymnasium • The Wrangler apologizes for picking on same freshman every issue • Poll: How do you ’mmus?
A novel proto-vehicular approach to quantifying the optimal speed for speedbump-induced transit By: Bennett Fees ’20
Here at The Wrangler, we love two things: Michael’s breakfast burritos and math. So, with the new speed bumps installed in the North Lot, we have an answer to the question everyone is asking: What, exactly, is the best speed to go over the new speed bumps? As we can see, the proof is trivial as long as we don’t forget to carry the 2 (thanks, Scooter). Thus, through some simple PEMDAS, the perfect speed to go over the new speed bumps is indeed five miles per hour.
THE DIRECTION PINOCCHIO’S NOSE GOES IF HE’S LYING ON HIS BACK: The Wrangler mandates that all contributors are concurrently enrolled in AP Calculus AB or higher so the staff can make accurate, trustworthy analyses like this one.
Warning: Side effects for going over the limit may include but are not limited to: direct harm to both the glabella and canthus, permanent damage to your ’96 Camry’s suspension, loss of your Uber license, pancreatic cancer, and death
Rejected Poetry Out Loud poems
Crossword
Modern Cowboy (a commentary on binaries and the fetters of “free” verse)
ACROSS 1. “Better for gaming but worse for schooling” senior class tool
Edited by Dean Kobs ‘20
By: Liam Richardson ’20
Choices. I don’t rejoice ‘n noisy choices, awl my life, split between two. Can’t choose; cant choices: yee / \ t haw. ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----No Rhyme or Reason (shorter than Fire and Ice) Stalling, falling, I maul the pallid doll, her eyes, like knives, scream “yes!” at my demise, what a dream. Again! in the air, I err, impaired by the star-bear; we are ensnared, He flips, I slip, lose my grip, exit reality, life is not as it seems. ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----Measured Breaths Take a pausea pregnant pauseand breathe deeply. Breathe in. 1 2 3 4 Breathe out. 1 2 3 4 Breathe in. 1 2 3 4 Breathe out. 1 2 3 4 Breathe in. 1 2 3 4 Breathe out. 1 2 3 4 Proceed. You have failed the vibe check. You didn’t actually breathe in and breathe out. Live, BREATHE, and eat poetry. That’s right, you must crumple this paper up and ingest it. If you’ve made it this far, like, retweet, and share!
5. What K-10 never is, despite its name 6. The absolutely incorrect and incomprehensible misspelling of the last letter of the alphabet, across the pond 8. Beowulf probably drank it 9. They keep your pants off the ground, or else you’re JUGbound DOWN 1. The creator of this crossword has a high 7. According to science, 95% of a Michael’s one meatball sub meatball comes from this animal (which is mysteriously not ball2. You’re doing one right now, aren’t you? shaped) 3. Love, in the Land of the Rising Sun (this 8. Every member of The Wrangler took this is a no brAIner!) calculus class freshman year because they are all smart and ivy-league bound unlike 4. What we’ll all be someday, per Mr. you, a measly crossword-doer Grindey’s Senior Synthesis class
The ICU Reviews
By: Liam Richardson ’20
Flappy Golf Pokemon Emulator A Classic. The Pac-Man of Brophy games. Poor graphics. Whatever the opposite of a In retrospect, disappointing lack of variety gateway drug is for Brophy gamerz. in flapping noises. TI-84 Emulator that snake game on Google Did someone say appropriate computer Catchy, if irregular, soundtrack. Simple yet usage? Well, no, not really, it’s probably sophisticated. Ubiquitous and unknown. illegal, but it has the tacit approval of every An enigma. teacher in Piper Hall. Solitaire Pre-professional training for cubicle jobs.
2048 You can’t spell 2048 without I.C.U. An unimaginative, pointless game until it Minecraft becomes Brophy-themed. Then it’s suddenly “No, really, Mom, before beginning my the best thing ever made. Freshman year of high school, I need to install the most popular video game of all Octagon time onto my new school computer because Geometry homework. we’ll have this one project in English 1… Don’t worry. It’s covered in the cost of the Rocket League Combining two things Brophy students tend MacBook.” to be very good at: soccer and unjustified, Counter Strike cringeworthy trash talk. But also, AIA People still play Counter Strike? I thought CHAMPS, BABY! this died along with the old 1-to-1 laptop program. League of Legends Apparent bug: when playing support, my YouTube videos of someone else playing carry always sucks and when playing carry, Fortnite my support always sucks (credit to Casually Controls are iffy, downright unresponsive. Explained for identifying said paradox), but Liberating and intensely humbling.sssssssss who cares? AIA CHAMPS, BABY!
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Editing Board:
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Jackson Bernreuter ’21 Will Hays ’21 Dean Kobs ’20 Editing Coordinator: Liam Richardson ’20 Justin Smith ’20
Head of Outreach: Wednesdays at lunch in B202. Contact an editor or adviser to get involved TODAY. Like, right now.
Head of Twitter:
Advisers: Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
Member:
Gavin Rivas ’20 Bennett Fees ’20 Disclaimer: All jokes are completely literal. Printed on recycled Roundup editions.