The WrangleR Water is scared. Edition Roman Numeral Seventy-Five
We are the best at everything: a modest recap of The Wrangler’s 2019
Real. Comfortable. News.
Investigation: Scientific malfeasance? A deeper look at “the fair”
The second annual State of The Wrangler Address By: Will Hays ’21 Dean Pidgeon, Mr. Higgins, pace that was unimaginable and members of the Brophy just a short time ago, and we are never, ever going back. student body: (Assembly-esque applause with Three years ago, we launched carabiners.) the great Wrangler comeback. Tonight, I stand before I am thrilled to report to you you to share the incredible tonight that our satire is the best results. Satire is booming, it has ever been. Our writing laughter is soaring, poverty is staff is completely rebuilt, with plummeting, crime is falling, its power being unmatched overwhelming joy is surging, anywhere else on campus — and our publication is thriving and it’s not even close. Our and highly respected again. paper is secure. Our writing (Applause.) Our enemies [The community is flourishing. Roundup, lunchtime malaise, Our values are renewed. Our trash cans] are on the run, pride is restored. And for all our social fortunes are on the of these reasons, I say to the rise, and our future is blazing people of our great school and to the members of Student bright. Government: The state of our The years of bad jokes are over. publication is stronger than (Loud applause.) The days of ever before. (Overwhelming our contributors being used, applause.) taken advantage of, and even scorned by other writers are The Wrangler nation was carved long behind us. (Applause.) out of the vast frontier by the Gone, too, are the broken toughest, strongest, fiercest, promises of no more Danforth and most determined men jokes, unlimited editions, ever to walk on Brophy’s fake platitudes and constant campus. Our ancestors braved excuses for the depletion of our the unknown; tamed the wild influence, power and prestige. comedy frontier; gave order to this campus’s social hierarchy; In just three short years, we lifted millions from poverty, have shattered the mentality of disease, and hunger; ushered our inevitable decline, and we the world to new heights of have rejected the downsizing of science and medicine; dug our paper with The Roundup’s out the canal, raised up the online service (ew!). We have Great Hall. And, gentlemen, totally rejected the downsizing. our ancestors built the most We are moving forward at a exceptional paper ever to exist
in all of human history, and we are making it greater than ever before. (Strong applause.) This is our glorious and magnificent inheritance. We are Wranglerites. We are pioneers. We are the pathfinders. We settled B202, we built the Dutch, and we changed history forever by embracing the eternal truth that everyone loves The Wrangler. (Thunderous, earthshattering applause.) This school is our canvas, and this school is our masterpiece. We look at tomorrow and see the potential to explore unlimited jokes about new teachers. Our brightest discoveries are not yet known. Our most thrilling stories are not yet told. Our grandest journeys are not yet made. The Wrangler Age, the Wrangler Epoch, the Wrangler adventure has only just begun. Our spirit is still young, the sun is still rising, God’s grace is still shining, and, my fellow readers, the best is yet to come. (Ear-splitting applause, headaches ensue.) Thank you. God bless you. And God bless America. And God bless Brophy. Thank you very much. Thank you. Gracias. Grazie.ss ssssssss(Unceasing applause, ascension to greatness.)
The Wrangler does Student Council’s job By: Liam Richardson ’20 Following the tepid response to last year’s Country Dance among certain Brophy circles—chiefly hype beasts, Soundcloud rappers, and music teachers—student council is actively searching for a new theme for this year’s spring dance. They have questions. Questions that need answers. More specifically, they have two questions.
• brophyprep.instructure.com • shmoop.com 3. Isn’t this technically three questions? 4. Isn’t this technically four questions? Ahhh...
Shmoopcoming rhymes with Hoopcoming. Maybe people will associate the two with each other (and association is what advertising is all about.) I mean, this article wouldn’t even exist if the two didn’t Unfortunately, the top two rhyme; that’s the entire shtick. website hits are for educational purposes only, making them a Anyway, assigned reading is difficult sell as a pairing with a Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace. dance. People don’t come to a You have five days. Anyone that doesn’t use Shmoop, Lit Brophy dance to play school. Charts, or SparkNotes is a 1. What is the most popular Brophy dance? Why? However, Shmoop—the lovechild tryhard. Hoopcoming. Because. of SparkNotes and BuzzFeed— 2. What is popular among all makes a perfect pairing. Shmoop Come to Shmoopcoming as signals academic apathy, but the #1 Brophy Broncos take Brophy students? not to the point of failing on the #2 Actually Reading the Judging on internet hit rate: a test. More importantly, Book! • shellshock.io
@BrophyWrangler
News flash: Brophy teacher is sad
News in Briefs • “Intramural all-star” suspended for posterizing unsuspecting Loyola student in the Dutch • Alumnus comes back to Brophy attempting to interrupt every single classroom whilst muttering, “oh wow this wasn’t even here when I was at Brophy” • Ms. Guffey explains economic repercussions of boycotting Michael’s, predicts Brophy’s demand curve to shift left • Dean Pidgeon offers cash prize to anyone who can catch hooligans exploiting 2 for 1 vending machine “deal” • Esports wins State, now officially legends at League • Soccer wins State, overshadowed by Esports triumph • Brophy Science Night • Student asks NASA engineer ’78, “are the exoplanets also 6000 years old?” • Assembly ends on schedule • Poll: can we replicate the power of a Saturn V rocket through sheer inappropriate clapping power alone? • Third baseman writes op-ed: Life after baseball • Clean & Soft™ tissues neither clean nor soft • Brophy junior pioneers new VantaBlue™ color to wear the darkest possible blue shirt on mass days • OFJ announces new heavy metal album, features carabiner percussion • Mr. Fisko disappointed with student body’s inability to “swing the eighth” during responsorial psalm • Investigation confirms that last week’s rain was brought to you by Ed Kabotie
La vie en rose
Retold by: Bobby Munhall ’23 It’s been said that February is the month of love. Pennsylvania groundhogs, old white guys’ birthdays, oh, and Valentine’s Day. That’s probably why.
Did you just get cut? We’ve got you covered. By: Bennett Fees ’20
Regardless, I am firmly under Cupid’s sway. And as February 14th quickly approaches, a momentous, yet momentary event will test whether my love is reciprocated by a secret or not-so-secret admirer. (Well, definitely secret... no one has been particularly “not-so-secret” about it. It’s more romantic that way.) As the plaid-skirted messengers enter the room, roses (well, actually carnations, but who’s counting? (how is this at all related to math? (that’s besides the point)))—the juxtaposition between the nugatory tedium of my Calculus CD class and my soaring, optimistic heart is striking. Today is Zephyr Wallace’s day. I know it. Suddenly, before I knew it, emerging from the carnation-trade cosmos, a name: -- “Wallace Steves?” (three seconds of awkward shuffling/silence until Wallace Steves rose from his seat and walked to the front of the class and claimed his rose)
Injustice under God: A scientific investigation By: Justin Smith ‘20
-- “Is there a Zephyr...Miller?” Wow, that was a close one. I can’t believe that both my first and last names have been called, (Zephyr, Wallace) although not in the correct order and not indicating me. -- “Bon Jovi?” Ugh… Each time a name is read out that isn’t my own, I feel like I am being shot through the heart. It pains me to think that I might not actually obtain that flowery present I so desire. “This is a fluke,” I think to myself. But in my heart of hearts, I know it isn’t a fluke. After all, I haven’t received a rose in my previous 3 years at Brophy. But hey, something great is bound to happen to me. The fourth time’s the charm, right? Right?!?! -- “That’s it. Thank you guys, have a good day!” My eyes feel hot. There isn’t a comfortable way to sit in my seat and since when did it get so cold in here? I blink…. once …. twice… they are just about to leave the classroom. How can she say such a devastating remark with a sort of glib enthusiasm? Should I ask them if they forgot a rose? Surely, there must be a mistake. Sorrow and embarrassment overcome me, as I begin to deny my reality. Everything starts spinning, a-a-and my head hurts, and… the bell rings. I need that sound, it grounds me. Alas, this is the life of a Brophy teacher.
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DREW HARDY P.I. Apparently, the people want to hear more about my work. I don’t like the attention. People actually visit the Fr. Renna Reading Room now, even if it is just to stare. I don’t have time for this. You come up to my office, you either find some good piece of fiction or pay me to give you the nonfiction. That’s right. I’m Drew Hardy ’20, private eye. Got a lot of cases to tell you paper boys about, if that’s alright. I want to make it clear that I’m not here for the attention. You just pay well. I’ve had my rebellious days, mostly in my sophomore year. They didn’t call us “wise One of my most interesting cases was my fools” for nothing. I knew some of the look into the science fair. Yeah, I know it shadier spots, where the real scum lives. You was a month ago, but my more recent work’s know you’re getting close when your Airdrop still in progress. I’ll start with the client. gets spammed. It’s an intimidation tactic. Junior, with a calm outside and some real A few hours interrogating the upstanding anger beneath the surface. Could tell that he citizens in the Romley basement told me cared. Turns out, his teacher made his entire all I needed to know. Of course, it was the class work on a project for the fair together. Shadow Passers, those lowlife counterfeiting Strange, for sure, but not a case worth taking middle-schooler-impersonating… broncos. yet. Then he said someone stole the project. A couple of guys were paid to help them All of it. I asked what this project was on, and with a job. Figured it was something like he said it was some sort of computer virus. enforcement, but all they did was move Poor kid had to do all the work— he was the poster boards and lab reports. The dots can be connected real quick. Shadow Passers only one that took Comp Sci. would tell the teachers to make more tools Look, I get it. You don’t think this is real. for their activities, the teachers outsource That no teacher in their right mind would do to the students, and their work gets stolen a thing like this. Well, that’s the lesson I’ve from the science fair. You may wonder why learned. Hardly anyone’s in their right mind I didn’t go to the administration. Well after I in this world, and sometimes that makes us found out that teachers were in on this, I’ve do some crazy things. Alright, that’s enough been watching my back real close. This goes deep, and I’m not sure whom I can trust. philosophizing. Back to the case. Besides, it’s not like I have proof—not yet. It’s First things first, I corroborated the client’s why I’m not exposing any of the teachers yet. tale about the project. Other juniors from But when I do… you’ll be seeing all of this in the class said the same thing. And it didn’t that more serious paper. ‘Cause I’m going to stop there. Sophomores, seniors, even blow this thing wide open. Mark my words.
The Wrangler © 2020 Editing Board:
“Head of Twitter”:
Jackson Bernreuter ’21 Will Hays ’21 Dean Kobs ’20 Editing Coordinator: Liam Richardson ’20 Justin Smith ’20
Head of Outreach: Join The Wrangler. Wednesdays at lunch in B202. Contact an editor or adviser to get involved today.
freshmen were saying that their teachers were requiring them to do group projects for the science fair, and then whatever work the class did vanished the day of the event. Apparently, the topics were also “suggested” by the teachers. At this point, I wondered how deep this went. I stopped by the fair on the last day. I remember when almost the entire Great Hall was filled with poster boards. Mind you, not all of them were good, but it was better than what I saw this year. It’s like someone drained the life from it—or drained the talent. I’m not a very sentimental guy, especially about this stuff. But after seeing what I saw—I knew I wouldn’t let this case go.
Advisers: Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
Bennett Fees ’20:
Gavin Rivas ’20 Bennett Fees ’20 Disclaimer: All jokes are completely literal. Printed on recycled Roundup editions.