The WrangleR Every day is Tuesday Edition Roman Numeral Seventy-Six
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Wrangler staff featured in Investigation: Zoom dope new cartoon subterfuge and tomfoolery How to Save Prom
By: Will Hays ’21 Recently, Brophy administration announced their plans to continue with Prom in the summer, which was immediately met with disappointment and sadness from seniors. Many fear few will actually show up after graduating; fortunately, we here at The Wrangler are known for our logistical prowess and originality, which is why we have come up with a few ideas of how to save Prom. 1) Invite as Manyssssssss Underclassmen as Possible! If there’s one thing seniors will miss as part of their Brophy experience, it’s the underclassmen. Fret not, simply inviting the entire freshman class to Prom will solve this problem completely! With the possibility of showing off their best dance moves with the most memorable part of their high school journey, how could seniors possibly resist? This is a win-win for seniors and especially freshmen, the
real victims of the educational impact of COVID-19.
reduce any possible spread of the contagion. To avoid this, just make Prom exclusively 2) Invest in More Fogssss open to Brophy students. Machines! Allowing the boys to reconnect one last time in the absence of Without a doubt, fog machines females is what they truly want; automatically make every this policy is a no-brainer. dance cooler (both literally and figuratively), so go all-in! 5) Institute Overreaching Buying at least quadruple Coronavirus Policies! the amount of fog machines Brophy already owns to reduce Again, COVID-19 will still be a visibility as much as possible is threat in this new environment, sure to properly set the mood and we must be as cautious as for Prom and give the Class of possible. Here’s a brief list of 2020 one last hit of nostalgia. ideas to institute at the dance to liven it up as much as 3) Make it Country Themed! possible while maintaining a thorough sanitary regiment: The majority of the student 22.5-feet minimum between body may have missed it, but students, hand sanitizer a similar dance happened last instead of water-refill stations, year. and tissues as confetti. This is certifiably™ hype! What could go wrong?!? 4) Boys Only!
Disclaimer: Any use of these ideas require compensation Let’s be honest: having too to their originator. Checks many people on Brophy’s payable directly to The campus post-coronavirus is a Wrangler or through FACTS liability, and it’s imperative to (do people still use that?).
@BrophyWrangler
Update: We saved prom. You’re welcome
News in Briefs • Student and teacher have awkward yet meaningful conversation after student forgets to leave call at the end of class • Students on Zoom collude to play statue for five minutes while the teacher tries to figure out what is going on • Brophy student who said they were going to “pick up” ukulele has since mastered every instrument • Sophomore who changed zoom background now “king of space” • Senior’s plans to grow out facial hair and take advantage of lax dress code enforcement foiled by own inability to grow a beard • Teacher forced to say, “Ok guys, I’m going to start choosing people.” • Enterprising junior plans to learn Python, gain his driver’s license, and generate passive income with all the extra time; “not happening,” says mother • The Stampede introduces new poll: who’s your favorite powerpuff girl?
The Rodeo: “E-school’s E-ne’erdowellers”
By: Dean Kobs ’20
DO YOU RESEMBLE ANY OF THESE SHADY CHARACTERS? Watch your back because e-justice* is coming. *TBD what e-justice actually means, but we assume it stands for Ebenezer justice. As a group of hip teenagers, here are The Wrangler’s ideas for e-Justice e-Under e-God. 1) Tik-Tok dance until your arms fall off. 2) Listen to Dance Monkey 100 times in a row. Wait, that seems too harsh. 5 times in a row. 3) Get all the trash out of your room, Chad! How do you live lik... signed Mom 4) Manifest e. 5) Propose, compose, and edit a new handbook for online justice at Brophy. 6) Follow The Wrangler on Twitter and like and retweet all of our tweets. 7) Actually sleep. Legit this time. 8) Who knows.
A Valedictory Speech Unlike Any Other
By: Bobby Munhall ’23 “Teachers. Staff. Family. And most importantly, my fellow class of 2020 (might I add, the greatest class of all time!). Many of you probably didn’t expect to see me up here on stage, and frankly, neither did I. It is truly an honor to have been selected to speak to you this evening. My fellow classmates, if I can even call you that, we’re all so close it feels like a brotherhood. *through forced laughter* I say that specifically to razz Mr. Oldani. Love you, T.O. (no one laughs) Class of 2020, we will go on to do great things. I know it, in part because I’ve gotten so very close to many of you. It’s crazy to think that in a few months, everyone will be in college, beginning a new chapter of their life with a whole new set of people. This year has indelibly impacted my life, and I can’t imagine life without you all. I hope you feel the same way about me. According to Brophy’s administration, one of the main reasons I have received this award is because of what I’ve done this past semester. And indeed, I’ve put in a lot of hard work in order to make sure that each and every one of you knows who I am. I am thankful and blessed to feel like I can say—without any hyperbole—that I attended Brophy with the entire class of 2020. Before I go any further, I want to specifically thank my parents, who weren’t able to attend tonight. They have been so, so supportive in raising me, and have always encouraged and enabled me to spread my wings. They are the reason I am who I am today. Can we get a round of applause? (muted clapping) Although I have only been at this school for a couple of months, I have tried to infect every club, sport, and classroom throughout the Brophy community with my contagious personality. At times, it was a challenge to penetrate some of the less commonly known organizations at Brophy like Freshman Lacrosse and Toaster Appreciation Club, but I wanted to make sure that no one on this campus would go without someone to talk to (or about, if you know what I’m saying). (no one laughs again) I’d like to end with a few words of advice and encouragement. In the coming years, I urge you to think about what you want to do with your life and really try to hone in on that. I hope that I haven’t been too intrusive these last couple months, but I wanted people to build on what Brophy has to offer and apply it elsewhere in their lives. Thank you, Brophy, I know you’re gonna miss me. Signing off, Karonav Iris ’19’20.
Dilemma
Jackson Bernreuter ’21
It’s 12:08 on a Wednesday, right? Oh, the meeting starts at 12:10. Right. Well, I’m just going to sit here and wait. Hm. Maybe I should click “Join now” right when the clock says 12:10. No, I should wait until other people arrive. At least two others. Right? No. What if everybody is waiting for the first person to join before they come on the call? Should I be the first person in this meeting? Absolutely not. I can’t stand the sight of my ugly mug. Well, it will only be a second before everybody else joins.
Injustice under God: xXM@lteseF@lconXx By: Justin Smith ‘20
©Notability
DREW HARDY P.I. Our Zoom calls have passwords now. Did you notice it? Probably, but it didn’t stick with you. Just a minor inconvenience that you forgot soon enough. Isn’t exactly a problem for people like yourselves, but measures like that catch my attention. I got an eye for that sort of thing. A private eye, if you will. A lot’s happened since the beginning of March, when I told you all about my look into the Science Fair. I was preparing an investigation into the Shadow Passers and their vast conspiracy, and then all these lockdowns did the job for me. Generally, though, this whole business has made things worse for me. It’s hard to be a detective when you can’t exactly interrogate your suspects. And before you say that I could’ve just hacked and blackmailed my way to success, you and I both know no one pays attention in Intro to Tech. To tell you the truth, I expected these months to be a sort of poorly-timed vacation. An early end to the highschool career of Drew Hardy ‘20, private eye. But trouble has a way of catching up to me, and it doesn’t practice social distancing. Shortly after all this distance learning started, I was approached by someone. I’m not gonna give his name, and not even a smidgeon of a hint. I’m sure you’ve all heard of “Zoom bombing”. Well, so did my client. One particular perp was creeping into some classes. Called himself “xxShad0wBlad3xx”. And that was all people saw. No screen, no audio, nothing but that stupid name. Kids these days. If you knew my client, you could tell he’s not the kind of guy to let this rest. Can’t say I was entirely thrilled with this job, but I didn’t have a choice. Client had connections, and he could make life real difficult. It seems he paid more attention than me in Intro to Tech.
I figured I did pretty good, and that’s when he, to use a modern phrase, vibe checked me with the truth. Zoom bombers thrive off misdirection, and disrupting focus. I was assigned to catch “xxShad0wBlad3xx”, but I failed to notice the other 10 or so. For the record, I saw them, but a true detective doesn’t let himself get distracted. My client said he was going to use passwords, instead of this student taskforce I was testing. I could’ve had a well-paying job to end my year, but maybe this was the better outcome. I think, from now on, I’ll try to stop advertising my services. Maybe I can let you all in on a few more stories from way back when, but aside from that I’m gonna try to enjoy my forced vacation from detective I decided to stake out one of the classes that work. I get headaches from hearing lowwas most frequently bombed. And before quality microphones all day anyway, I don’t you say that makes me a Zoom bomber need more from cases like these.
Or will it? I can never be sure. What if nobody is planning on attending. Geez, it’s 12:11! Was the meeting cancelled? Why wasn’t I informed? Oh, don’t be silly, it wasn’t cancelled. See? One person just joined. Should I… nah. Like I said before, the meeting needs at least two others. You know what, I’m wasting my time. Just join. But wait! How awkward is that going to be? Sitting there ignoring each other’s presence until we officially start? No no no no, I am so bad at small talk. You know what? Forget it. I’ll enjoy my lunch instead of undergoing this social pressure.
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myself, I got permission. My intern says he did, at least. About halfway through, they showed up. XxShad0wBlad3xx. No one but the teacher and myself noticed, but that wasn’t unusual. I gave an interrogation the old college try, but it was met with just as much silence as those first few seconds after a teacher’s question, when everyone’s scurrying back to Zoom to unmute. It’s a deafening silence. If a black screen could hesitate, it seemed to right then. A brief flash of a profile picture as they turned off their camera, and they were gone. That was the only lead I got that day. Turns out, it was all I needed. I met with my client an hour later. It was the kinda call to draw the curtains in, and dim the lights. If I couldn’t have my backalley office, I’d do my best to replicate it. That profile picture told me everything I needed to know. It was a certain grey bird, common to Phoenix, that inexplicably resembled the name of my client. Only a few people are bold enough to make that stupid joke, and all of them write for this paper, except one. I told my client my suspicions. I didn’t bother to be too rough. After all, I couldn’t exactly go to the dean with this. He admitted his role in the proceedings, and told me all about his master plan. My client works for the administration, as it turns out, and he was testing different ways of stopping Zoom bombers.
Actually, you know what… I don’t think he’ll bother me if my mic and camera are both off. I do it in class all the time - my teachers think I’m the most unmotivated student they’ve ever seen, but it helps me get through the day. Here we go, please don’t talk to me… please don’t talk to me… please don’t talk to me… “Hey, man, how have you been? I haven’t seen you at any meetings lately.” Gosh darn.
The Wrangler © 2020 Editing Board:
Head of Twitter:
Jackson Bernreuter ’21 Will Hays ’21 Dean Kobs ’20 Editing Coordinator: Liam Richardson ’20 Justin Smith ’20
Head of Outreach:
Advisers: Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
Consultant:
Gavin Rivas ’20 Bennet Fees ’20 Disclaimer: All jokes are completely literal. Printed on recycled Roundup editions.
