The WrangleR A special dose of democracy from us undemocratically elected editors Edition Roman Numeral Eighty
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Breaking: 2020 BROPHY ELECTION RESULTS ARE IN!
The most important election of our lifetimes
@BrophyWrangler
Update: Feline third-party candidates vying for open seat in our hearts
News in Briefs
By: Jackson Bernreuter ’21
• Study suggests that a refund of all 2020 campaign contributions would be enough stimulus to last a few years • Kanye claims victory in Maine’s third district • Disillusioned Jo Jorgensen voter upset about lack of “yellow wave” Mark Kerfluffy
Martha McScratch
This candidate is dangerous. He is making millions from the company he started while not paying a dime in taxes. How selfish. All Kerfluffy does is cozy up to get brushed by the elite! He has taken a catnap while the rest of Arizona suffers. He also wants to mess with seniors’ vet expenses - that’s not okay. Does this sound like a senator who will represent all Arizonans? Also, he hates puppies.
This candidate will do anything for a vote. She constantly lies about her record and breaks paw-mises. McScratch will not protect those with preexisting conditions and supports the recriminalization of catnip! She’s too busy chasing lasers to get anything done in Washington. Does that sound like a senator who will support white-collared and blue-collared voters? Also, she hates puppies.
I’m Martha McScratch and I approve this message.
I’m Mark Kerfluffy and I approve this message.
Updated: guiding norms for disengaging in civil (and uncivil) discourse for the common good By: Bobby Munhall ’23 As the 2020 presidential election comes to a close, and Joseph R. Biden, Jr. has now surpassed the 270 electoral college vote goalpost, some fans are yelling that wind played a significant factor in getting Biden’s football through. Regardless, you are bound to face some enlivened political discussion in the weeks to come. Me here at The Wrangler wants to provide you with a more helpful roadmap for navigating some of the more tortuous conversations you might have about this year’s election. Including, but not limited to: “Why were Pennsylvania, Nevada, Georgia, North Carolina, and Arizona (and technically Alaska) given a swingset to distract them from counting votes once again this year? Which begs the question: are they battleground or playground states?!” and “How crucial was the 539th precinct of Chicago Ward 20 in playing a role in Joe Biden’s path to victory as, historically,
a majority of its seven votes have been cast for Republican candidates?” Here are the other guidelines you might want to follow: Don’t assume good intentions: Remember these words: “If at first you don’t agree, try, try, try to run.” One of the greatest ways to engage with political discourse is to simply disengage. Fortunately, this is a problem you can run away from! Only speak Old English: It’s not your fault they can’t understand you! Be Vague: If you aren’t sure what the h*ck is going on anymore is this g*shd*rn country, try on a couple of our hazy noncommittal political actions on for size: Laughing quietly at people talking around you or laughing (loudly, so others hear) while listening to both candidates speaking.
Understand that the speaker’s experience is valid for them and their dog: Among a poll of registered canine voters aged 2.5-3.5 years old, phrases such as “Who wants a treat,” “You’re a good boy aren’t you,” and “Park? Park?” have proved 99% effective in swaying their minds. Just because dogs lack most basic sensory perceptions like colored-sight, depthperception, and [LASER EYES: ON/OFF], doesn’t mean they don’t have a say in our democracy or in conversation about it. Use comebacks: “Oh yeah? Well, your mom is ‘interfering in our elective democracy!’” “Jinx! Double Jinx! Triple Jinx! Now hand over your ballot and that pen over there…” “What’s that? I can’t hear you over the sound of this fracking operation! No, seriously, stop laughing, I didn’t hear a word you said.”
• Google sees huge spike of “boys state summary imdb” searches between 8 AM and 10 AM on November 3 • Magis retreatants lament a lack of mail-in voting options for Brophy mock election • BREAKING: Mark Kelly literally founded the Communist Party of China • Freshman swayed by plethora of Trump YouTube ads, seeks free V-Bucks they promised • Deafening “WE THE PEOPLE” mural threatens to rename the quiet room • Sr. Higgins finally concedes to Dean Pidgeon ’08 after two years of hotly contested lawsuits • Instagram servers nationwide crashed again after the mass influx of “I voted” posts, just barely recovering from voter registration posts • The Wrangler celebrates eightieth edition, nobody cares • “Fledgling Libertarians” looking for moderator • Brophy’s hand recount done on hands because only ten people voted • Marc Kelly ’87 sold out to Chinese investors... sold them some ceramics. • “Grade the tests” chant changes to “Stop the grade” after first scores entered into myBrophy • Kanye’s new Dark Twisted Fantasy: seeking to “Runaway” with 2024 presidential bid
KAUFFMAN WINS BROPHY ELECTION
By: Will Hays ’21 and Jackson Bernreuter ’21 PRIMARIES In a year full of elections, the most consequential has just occurred: the race for the Supreme Chancellor of Brophy. Although you all have obviously been following along, our award-winning news team thought that it was appropriate to provide a recap of this historic event. First, it’s important to look back at the primaries, where each coalition nominated their own candidate in a “Grand Skirmish.”* *Totally The Wrangler’s own idea (wink, wink). The Wicked Writers of English (WWE): In the English Department, news of the election spread rapidly via Mr. Damaso ’97’s daily faculty emails. No one managed to respond, claiming the profuse utilization of Membean lexicon was too much for them to bear, except for the wise Ms. Kauffman. Powering through with her Shakespearing domination, Kauffman secured the title. Physical Education Envoys (PEE): Coach Denk and Coach Schwertley ’99 took it upon themselves to determine the Physical Education nominee through a weightlifting contest. After both maxing out at 750 lbs and collapsing to the ground, they agreed that politics were stupid and returned to making gainz. Society of Society of Jesus of Followers (SoSoJoF): Faced with a tough dilemma, Mr. Mar, Mr. Broyles, Dr. Donlan, and Mr. Grindey prayed together in the empty halls of Eller to figure out who would best instill their values across campus. Ultimately, they agreed that only the snapping-force of Mr. Fisko would allow them to stand a chance.
GENERAL ELECTION As seen to the left, Brophy is an institution consisting of a wide array of coalitions. The school hasn’t existed democratically long enough for the political landscape to consolidate into a twoparty system, so the general election was volatile all the way until the end. Each camp had a shot at victory; however, it all came down to a few votes in the politically neutral quiet room. We are happy to announce at this time that Ms. Kauffman has won the Brophy electoral college! Here is a breakdown of how the vote played out. Competitive districts: The coalition building of SoSoJoF really sent fear down the spine of the AW Party, who usually controls the Eller electorate with an iron grip. However, it was not enough to overcome MK’s years of accumulating loyal supporters, and Eller went to AW. Meanwhile, Piper is up for grabs every year. MJ and STEMSTEM have gone back and forth in years past, with the determining factor usually being the strategic placement of tests around the election. This year, Toshner anxiety was particularly high with the upcoming Exam 2, scaring off MJ voters and handing Mrs. Hibler the win. Keating has long been an anomaly, with its students and teachers living in fear under the dictatorial rule of Sr. Higgins and his SPANISH Party. However, SoSoJoF put together the right combination of a charismatic candidate, targeted voting drives, and the pure will of Jesus himself to secure Keating’s electoral college votes for Mr. Fisko. Finally, the perennial battleground of the Dutch. With the PEE Party out of the picture, this race was wide open. It ultimately came down to whose homework was most frequently completed on the second floor, which was dominated by students frantically completing their page of notes for Dante’s Inferno. The fervor with which Ms. Kauffman’s classes studied translated to a huge voter turnout, handing her the Dutch. The surprise win, along with her stronghold in Brophy Hall, sent her to victory.
DIRECTION OF YOUR LEFT HAND: The Brophy electoral map shows Ms. Kauffman taking the Dutch along with her home territory of Brophy Hall. With that she won the chancellorship, barely beating out Mr. Kelly’s Eller monolith. Another surprise was Mr. Fisko’s flip of Keating after a long stretch of SPANISH dominance.
Social Studies Ambassadors of Doom (SSAD): With her knowledge of the inner workings of the election system, Ms. Guffey attempted to secretly gain her own department’s nomination. However, after public backlash emerged, the people rallied behind populist candidate Mr. Oldani, lifting him to an unexpected win. Artistic Winners (AW): Teaming up to defeat their greatest ally, Mr. Brubaker, Mr. Burr, and Mr. Varvel attempted to sneak up on Mr. Kelly ’87 with sharp paint brushes. Using his artistic intuition, MK sensed the threat, drenching them in clay and stopping them in their tracks. Math Jocks (MJ): To settle this bid, Mr. Mike Welty ’83 and Mr. Aston engaged in an mathletic battle for the ages. After asking Mr. Welty to solve a complex derivative using the Chain Rule, Mr. Aston was taken aback when he solved it in 0.3 seconds, using his Multivariable Calculus background. Ceding to his superiority, Mr. Welty was crowned victorious. Science STEM’s Stem (STEMSTEM): Following Mr. Kolb’s unsuccessful campaign in 2016 (featuring him pressuring students into financial donations for good grades), the Science Department peacefully determined that Mrs. Hibler was the best candidate for the job. The Foreign Language Department (SPANISH): After threatening to belt-check the entirety of this department, Señor Higgins used his authoritarian scare tactics to coast into an easy nomination.
*The Brophy electoral college requires a plurality, not a majority, of electors.
WHERE ROCKETS GO: The electoral college did not reflect the popular vote this year, as MK has a steady 1.3% lead over Ms. Kauffman despite Brophy Hall and the Dutch voting for the WWE by wide marigins. The popular vote numbers must also be concerning for Sr. Higgins and SPANISH’s coalition - while Keating was a virtual tie, SoSoJoF is building a wide array of support from multiple buildings. Another note worthy of mention is that Coach Hiedeman won 2.12% of the 3.2% write-in vote share.
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The Wrangler © 2020
Don’t be surprised if you see us geniuses running for office in the future. Also don’t be surprised if you see members of The Roundup grilling us with questions about our lies, but that’s beside the point.
Editing Board:
Head of Outreach:
Jackson Bernreuter ’21 Bobby Munhall ’23 Will Hays ’21 Head of Twitter: Ian Murphy ’23
Advisers: Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
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Nick Hahne ’22 Michael DeBarros ’23 Disclaimer: All jokes are completely literal. Printed on recycled Roundup editions.