The WrangleR The only newspaper whose official holiday is Festiboxwansnukkmas Day Edition Roman Numeral Eighty-One
Feature: How to succeed during finals in these new normal trying times
Real. Comfortable. News.
Investigation: Who thought it was a good idea to let elves roam the school?
Top five holiday gifts of 2020 By: Nick Hahne ’22 As the holiday season comes closer, more and more people begin to frantically realize that the time of giving has not been cancelled this year. 2020 cannot cancel the holidays, *knock on literal Christmas tree.* So, while shoppers are deciding between meaningful presents...and gift cards, the members of The Wrangler have decided to make this process easier and create the TOP 5 BEST 2020 GIFTS: Stock in Zoom It goes without saying that Zoom has become immensely popular over quarantine. I mean did anyone know what breakout rooms were before COVID-19? So, if you are one of those cool uncles that wants to give a unique, creative gift, this is the one for you.
@BrophyWrangler
Update: No, we will never stop making lists
News in Briefs
Subscription to Mathway If you know, you know.
from each other, you should buy a pool noodle.
Virtual Reality (VR) Headset With the CDC recommending everyone to stay home quarantined for 42 weeks straight now, you don’t really have much of an option to travel. Therefore, a Virtual Reality headset can allow you to travel anywhere you please Europe, Africa, North Korea... Put the goggles on, and *BAM* you are there. Limited Edition VR Headsets even allow you to travel back to 2019!
Apology Cards Dear [Insert Friend’s Name Here],
I am sorry for blasting out social media posts about the election at least twice a day for two months. If you could please follow me back that would be much appreciated. Also, I am sorry for blasting political podcasts and not music in my car, even though my news source never produced fake news (haha jk (am i tho?)). Pool Noodles (This is for you, Anyways, I was wondering if Mr. Burke) we could be friends again? I If you are a concerned parent, promise to only post once a if you are employed in a day about politics now :) large workspace, or if you are a teacher tasked with the Sincerely, impossible job of keeping high [Your Name] school students six feet apart
• PlayStation under fire for claiming the PS5 sold out after only making eight consoles • In the holiday spirit, Mr. Hooten only assigns eleven months of notes over break instead of the usual twelve • Teachers genuinely confused why student’s didn’t attend mass in person • Brophy Olympics replaces the Turkey Drive leaderboard as top destination for competitive giving • “Oh, I already donated on Venmo” • Sophomore keeps mask on to take ID photo; photographer says it’s “for the best” • As the number of online learners continues increasing, one thing is clear: the hand sanitizers were refilled too late.
THE DIRECTION I ASSUME HIGHWAY SIGNS POINT WHEN THEY REALLY MEAN “CONTINUE STRAIGHT:” As finals inch closer and the world continues its trek into the dark void of early to mid-December nothingness, try to follow our handy calendar. Look, it’s only a few days until the union party and just over a week until December 5th!
Farewell, 2020.
On-campus learning has become a little too personal
By: Will Hays ’21 Dear Red Army Stampede Family*,
By: Jackson Bernreuter ’21
Wow. In the History Book of Worst Recorded Years Ever, 2020 has made a convincing case for the #1 spot. While, yes, 536 had ash cover the sky for the entire year, and 1349 was the beginning of the Bubonic Plague, “murder hornets” simply sounds scarier. From the death of key celebrities to global instability to COVID-19, we all made it through a difficult time. Just like Michael’s abysmal food service, let’s just smile that it’s over. 2021 can’t be any worse… right?** Regardless, please enjoy my ode to this year.
BEE EE EL OH DOUBLE YOO: Ms. Kauffman gets excited as she realizes she can watch her single in-person student perform Hamlet as a one-man show.
“O 2020”™ Lyrics by William Hays ‘21 O 2020, o 2020 How horrid was this year O 2020, o 2020 You gave us no reason to cheer With lockdowns in the summertime To lockdowns in the wintertime O suffering, o 2020 At least you were consistent Let us all remember In our crying and tear-shedding With our virtual family and friends and loved ones The real and true meaning of 2020 The birth of the easiest academic semester ever
The Wrangler’s guide to online finals
O 2020, o 2020 We say goodbye forever O 2020, o 2020 Please come back never *Name changed due to “red scare.” The Wrangler remains a proud supporter of the CPB (Communist Party of Brophy). **The Wrangler is not liable for any future jinxes.
ELF cover-up: massive breach of AMDG protocol
By: Jackson Bernreuter ’21
Friday, December 4; 2:45 PM
FROM PI/2 TO -PI/6 Monday, December 7; 8:00 AM RADIANS: Staff of The Wrangler discreetly took picutres last week gathering evidence as part of the maskless elf scandal. When we returned from the weekend, the elves were masked. How did the administration know about our investigation and what else are they hiding?
Join The Wrangler!
Our email list exceeds weekly attendance by about fifty people. Here’s a great New Year’s resolution: be the fifty-first! We’ll be glad to add you to the list whether you contribute or not. (Just kidding, we need writers!)
By: Ryan Lin ’22 Well, it’s that time of the year again — finals are just around the corner! While holiday decorations are popping up everywhere and “All I Want For Christmas Is You” is being played on repeat, students are beginning to feel an overwhelming sense of dread that even Mariah Carey can’t cure. Even as you’re reading this, you’re probably realizing that the time you have left to study is ticking away, but don’t put this article down just yet! Studying for finals is definitely important, but because finals are online and opennote this year, it is essential that all of your resources are organized and available. Remember, a quarter of your grade all comes down to those critical two hours, and it is crucial that you don’t waste any time searching for random Quizlets. Here is a checklist of things to do before this upcoming and dreaded week: Prepare for the most important question on the test -1 your name. This one’s pretty obvious. When you open the exam and scan the first page, there should be at least one question that you can answer with certainty. If not, how will your teacher know who got the lowest grade in the class?
your success and is completely avoidable. You can even check that your Command C, V, and F keys are working between races to ensure the best results. Choose whose advice to follow. Dean Pidgeon ’08: As good men of Brophy, practice integrity. Turn off your phones, voluntarily use Lockdown Browser, and by all means avoid FaceTimes with all your smartest friends. Good men of Brophy: Nah. Make sure your calculator works. Listen up fellow math lovers, once the test begins you will undoubtedly feel the urge to pull out your calculator. It probably won’t increase your chances of getting the right answer, but at least you’ll feel like you’re doing something productive by mashing some buttons for a couple of minutes.
Know the SpanishDict website like the back of your hand (or just write it on the back of your hand). We can all agree that Spanish is hard and that the only reason we got through the semester was because we could just speak in English if we said, “como se dice” in front of anything. Warm up your fingers on Let’s face it, there’s no way to actually play.typeracer.com. tell the difference between the preterite Having stiff and slow fingers during and imperfect tenses, so when the a timed exam where you can search exam rolls around this will definitely for answers could completely hinder be a useful tool to have ready.
The Wrangler © 2020 Editing Board:
Head of Outreach:
Jackson Bernreuter ’21 Bobby Munhall ’23 Will Hays ’21 Head of Twitter: Ian Murphy ’23
Advisers: Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
Editing Coordinator: Head of Graphics: Wednesdays after school in B202. Contact an editor or adviser to get involved today.
Nick Hahne ’22 Ryan Lin ’22 Disclaimer: All jokes are completely literal. Printed on recycled Roundup editions.