The WrangleR Our material is too graphic to be considered a newspaper Edition Roman Numeral Eighty-Three
Feature: Every Brophy student’s perfect Valentine’s Day date
Real. Comfortable. News.
Investigation: The shadow passers’ reign of terror in the loaner industry
DAS KARNATION
By: Shai Josephs ’23, Ian Murphy ’23, Robbie Simpson ’23, and Jackson Bernreuter ’21 is, in the first place, an object from the bourgeoisie. This will holy to us, a thing that by its be a revolution! No longer shall flowery properties satisfies all students sit shamefully without boys’-prep-school desires of carnations while peers across some sort or another through the class horde masses of these the assurance of endearment symbolic flowers. from certain girls’-prep-school counterparts. Under this system, students will receive no less than one We, the proletariat led by carnation every year, as it is Comrade Burke, will not a fair and just system that let the inequitable carnation every student should support distribution tear at the fabric of or be labeled a traitor to the our society. Starting this year, motherland. the Red Army Stampede has officially seized the means of The modern and advanced <This is an official message from distribution of carnations. For school economy diverts its the Brophy Communist Party> true countrymen who feel the production toward the highpower of equality, we will be class social creature while The wealth of those reallocating the carnations in exploiting the grade-focused educational institutions in The Corral’s walk-in freezer. socially awkward wage-worker. which the capitalist mode of It is time to rise up against the carnation production prevails, There are no carnations without oppressors and win back the presents itself as ‘an immense us, the student class. There is no proletarian carnation! accumulation of commodities,’ profit without us, the student its unit (the carnation) being a class. We must promptly take Love, single commodity. A carnation the petaled beacons of hope The BCP <3
BREAKING: Mr. Fisko barred from disciplinary board
By: Will Hays ’21 and Ryan Lin ’22 On Thursday, February 4th, of the gym and the Brophy Art at 9:13 AM, the Brophy Gallery isn’t haunted, then I Disciplinary Board voted to can’t keep him on the board in remove Mr. Fisko from the good conscience.” panel, following backlash from previous weeks over his Following the day’s conspiratorial beliefs. The 6-1 monumental events, Fisko vote marked a sharp rebuke of whinnied via Neigh (the the teacher’s utter nonsense. campus’s premier social media source), “AM I CRAZY FOR When pressed for comment, TRYING TO TELL THE Dean Austin Pidgeon ’08 TRUTH? Do people really hesitated to say the following: believe that Fr. Del Toro sleeps “Look, I respect Mr. Fisko as on top of Brophy Tower and my colleague and friend, but that Mr. Higgins is leading an when he tries to claim that underground coup to reinstate there isn’t a pool on the roof himself as Dean?** This is
complet…” — statement cut off due to 212-character limit. This wasn’t the first flat-out lie that Mr. Fisko has promoted. Three months ago, he sent in an email to the entire student body, “T _ RKEY. What’s missing? YOU!” It goes without saying that the letter “U” is missing, not the word “YOU.” **Out of journalistic integrity, The Wrangler confirms these theories to be true.
An age-old mystery: Is The Wrangler too political? By: Jairus Wong ’23
@BrophyWrangler
Update: Only one prospective student didn’t get accepted to Brophy this year
News in Briefs • Students try to waste extra thirty seconds of class; StuCo adds halfbirthdays and astrological readings to daily announcements • Cardinals push undefeated streak in playoffs to five years • Parents impatient for mid-quarter grades, call for quarter-eighth grades to be released every two weeks • Barrow-sponsored “A Novel Approach to the Quantum Properties of the Higgs Boson in Relation to the Vacuum Permittivity of Flux Variances” wins second place in the Brophy science fair • All NHS members get vaccines as “educators” • Lucky ladies’ man receives twenty bottles of hand sanitizer instead of carnations for Valentine’s Day
*Ominous violins*
By: Bobby Munhall ’23
01001100 01101111 01101111 01101011 00100000 01101111 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00001010: Mr. Mulloy is slightly annoyed that a student spilled water on his computer right after he told him that the bottle was 0.6325 inches too close, but provides the student with a loaner anyway.
Caillou applies to Brophy
Online learners’ true loves
By: Jackson Bernreuter ’21
I’m just a kid who’s fourteen. Each day I grow in my faith some more so that I can fulfill the five qualities of the Graduate at Graduation. I like exploring all the retreats this wonderful school has to offer, I’m Caillou. So many things to do - join The Wrangler, play eSports, attend daily mass, join The Wrangler - at Brophy, each day is something new as I embrace the cura personalis - care of the whole person. I’ll humbly share them with you and my service organization if I get accepted. I’m Caillou. My world is turning with the academic and humanitarian challenges that I face, changing each day. Of course none of my accomplishments would have
Join The Wrangler!
By: Danny Eden ’22
been possible if I hadn’t completed them with mommy and daddy by my side. I’m finding my way in this journey, and the path has led to Brophy. Growing up among this campus’s studious, faithful peers is not so tough except when I’ve had enough of the deep introspective questions that push me to explore my life experiences deeper. But there’s lots of fun stuff Brophy has to offer, like “over one hundred clubs and extracurricular activities, a range of varsity sports…and innovative technology” that I will not take for granted during my four-year journey (Ward). I’m Caillou. Caillou. Caillou. I’m Caillou. That’s me and I appreciate the opportunity to apply!
Need reasons? How about one of our famous lists: - Real journalism - AP classes aren’t hard enough - Time to fill after being cut from JVB Quidditch - Cuddles and candlelit dinners - Secret members-only vaccine stash Wednesdays after school in B202. Contact an editor or adviser to get involved today.
The Wrangler © 2021 Editing Board:
Head of Outreach:
Jackson Bernreuter ’21 Bobby Munhall ’23 Will Hays ’21 Head of Twitter: Ian Murphy ’23
Advisers: Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
Editing Coordinator: Head of Graphics: Nick Hahne ’22 Ryan Lin ’22 Disclaimer: All jokes are completely literal. Printed on recycled Roundup editions.