The WrangleR TSEB EHT SI RELGNARW EHT Edition Roman Numeral Eighty-Four
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@BrophyWrangler
Feature: After entire year in Investigation: Which little Update: Stampede website lockdown, nobody cares if brother entered witness has overtaken its creators sports are in person protection? and is challenging for Dean A year in review
By: Nick Hahne ’22 Mr. Ward officially announced that the Class of 2021 “graduation picture” in Brophy Hall will be a zoom screenshot of everyone. Unfortunately, only twenty-one seniors had their cameras on so the admissions office is currently photoshopping the rest of them in there.
News in Briefs how they were able to “survive” while staying at home.
“Umm...I don’t really remember what I’ve been doing... I guess video games and stuff... I have How were you able to cope with been going to a ton of concerts social distancing? though. Ya know... Lil Nas X’s Roblox concert... Post Malone’s “Distancing? DisDANCING! Pokemon concert... Freshman I have never been more singing “Never Gonna Give connected with my followers. You Up” for Frosh-fest After blowing up on TikTok karaoke... and Travis Scott had with over 200k views and 13.8k one in Fortnite too... those were So far, it has been just over a likes, it isn’t an understatement cool I guess.” year since Mr. Ryan’s Project to say that I am one of the - Brad “Guy” Stephens Quarantine the coronavirus most influential people on the has affected all our lives. planet. My followers couldn’t “Yeah I have been pretty How have we survived? Will get enough of my content... I busy with online school and we ever see a movie in the had to drop out of U of A just to sports so quarantine hasn’t theaters again? Does Wet N’ become a full-time influencer. really affected me much.” Wild still exist? Thankfully, the I’m surprised you haven’t That’s wonderful. Can you professional, clever, humorous, heard of me; Casa Grande’s tell me something you learned creative, determined, loving, Daily Gossip said I was “in the in school during quarantine? quirky, awesome, tenacious, top 200 TikTok famous college “Uhhhhhhh, next question?” representative, caring, witty, students from Tucson.” - Chet Err funny, investigative, ambitious, - Dee Looshinalle considerate, fearless, crafty, Clearly we have all thrived in logical, and resourceful “Ehhh been busy... am different ways. journalists at The Wrangler an essential worker. Gtg. interviewed members of the Reschedule 2 am to 6 am?” Phoenix community to see - O. Verwerkt
• Lenten Drive envelope sets new world record as it speeds around the classroom in under ten seconds • Pious senior “giving up” for Lent • Ash Wednesday becomes Ice Bucket Challenge for soot • One year since water-themed Summit, giant rock in octagon still has not broken • Tempe Town lake dyed green on St. Patrick’s Day; rowers report improvement in water quality • Lentil prices soar during Lent • Team Campion members: “We won?” • Stampede ups the ante; asks, “How many blades of grass are on Brophy’s campus?” • Free Minecraft: Education Edition is a must on Class of 2024 college searches
“Not convinced:” Some minds predictably unchanged by the Summit
By: Jackson Bernreuter ’21 At his post-summit press conference, Ignov Rance ’22 expounded on the views he expressed two weeks ago. “I loved all the presentations, but they weren’t quite enough to push me toward the slightest bit of introspection about my problematic mindset,” Rance stated. It was reported that he attended the workshops “Climate Change and Racism,” “Anti-racism: How Colorblindness Isn’t Enough,” and “Why It Doesn’t Help Your Cause Whenever You Say Race Has Nothing to Do With It.” While he mentioned that he found some parts of them enjoyable, Rance emphasized the offensive nature of the workshops he attended.
Chase the rainbow! By: Will Hays ’21
THE HAND THAT LEFTIES LOOK DOWN UPON: Winner winner, leprechaun dinner! Mr. John Burns secures a triumphant victory in the faculty St. Patrick’s Day half marathon, capturing a terrified leprechaun thrilled Mr. Walsh. Note: All gold seen in graphic legally laundered at nearest Lenten Drive collection.
Here’s an excerpt: Yeah, I learned a lot. [Eye roll.] How can racism exist if climate change doesn’t exist, huh? How’s that logic for you? And oh, don’t even get me started on how disrespectful the second workshop was. I AM colorblind! My eyes don’t work! All I can see is the outlines of shapes because everything is the same color. It’s like the presenter, just because I was sitting while white, metaphorically handcuffed me and denied my humanity. Yeah, the third one was much better. But race had nothing to do with my decision to select that workshop, no.
One of Mr. Rance’s close friends, Priv Lijd ’22, was reportedly frustrated when he attended a play reading in which many of the main characters were Black. The leaders of the reading kept turning him down when he asked to play the lead role; both Priv Lijd and Ignov Rance were under the impression that the theater was a space of inclusion, and they felt left out. Rance interjected, “It’s like I’m trying to buy a house but I’m not allowed to for some reason.” He then continued: “Man, I’m good with these metaphors. It would be tragic if these scenarios actually happened to someone.”
Brophy Olympics: The number of times...
Join The Stampede? Please?!?!
By: Nick Hahne ’22
Return of the sixth man?
By: Danny Eden ’22 Brophy has recently welcomed our sixth man back to our basketball games and, boy, was it needed. I’m sure football left a sour taste in our mouths this year, but it’s time we washed it out with the sweet treat of basketball. Let me list you some of the advantages to going because what is a copy of The Wrangler without a list? 1. The energy is very high. As THE authority on all sports, we can tell you that people are much more energized for a game of basketball than any other sport. Think about it, when else does Fr. Del Toro turn Biblical story into reality? Of course, this year, he was a little disappointed to find that the Red Sea was already parted.
action, back and forth! One team goes down on one end and chucks up a three, maybe then the other team comes down and crosses the sole out of the defender and stares him down after making the shot. Combine that with the student section losing their minds. If that doesn’t sound fun, you just aren’t a teenager. 3. The games are faster. Okay, fine, you are a teenager, you go to Brophy after all. Maybe basketball isn’t your thing. But all your friends are going aren’t they? Do you really want to be the guy who doesn’t go? Come on bro, it’ll just be like an hour. Seriously, come on, it’ll be fun.
4. Are you still not gonna come? Whatever. We’ll 2. The games are more intense. There’s constant all just have fun without you then. Harrumph.
By: Jackson Bernreuter ’21 Hey there, anonymous The Stampede also has Wrangler reader! Due a fun new participation to the fact that you’re game this semester. Next reading this unrespected week, The Stampede paper, I’m guessing you will introduce the have time to spare. That’s compulsory Brophy where The Stampede World Cup!*** We heard comes in. We are your your feedback from the one-stop shop for Brophy Olympics, tore everything Brophy… it up, and went bigger. except anything remotely During the World Cup, academic, religious, or students must wear body productive. No matter cameras at all times in your situation, The order to score for their Stampede’s website has teams. Individuals can the weird, fun, why- earn points in every am-I-doing-this activity single aspect of their lives, for you. Got cut from from discreet distancebaseball? The first 640 learning DMing to students to sign up will quality of lunch as judged participate in a full by Mr. Heideman to carMarch Madness tee-ball to-console speedruns at tournament! Just lost the the end of the day. YOU latest NBA Pick ‘Em and WILL BE WATCHED need your gambling fix? and POINTS WILL BE Enter in the upcoming TALLIED! More details Brophy Tee-Ball Pick coming soon in an ‘Em! enthusiastic email. (Previous winners’ gift cards will be arriving Prize: Get out of first shortly.) period ten minutes early during the last Friday of Explore the website more the school year and a $2 and you’ll find uplifting scholarship to a college of quizzes like “How Early your choice. Your Midlife Crisis Will Be,” where you choose one of four random ***Very small amounts of answers all based on mortal danger involved. niche jokes!
One of my “off days” as a Big Brother
By: Jackson Bernreuter ’21
ON A MAP, THE DIRECTION OF THE YONDER WINDOW THROUGH WHICH LIGHT BREAKS: Typically, my after-school phone calls last until at least 6:30, and I usually ask at least three big brothers why I signed up for this because I am so overwhelmed by my tough classes, but everybody needs a break at some point, right? Managing what seems like a dozen freshmen AND building a deep sea lair so that I can complete my Underwater Ice Sculpting homework sure is ambitious, you’ve got to understand.
Join The Wrangler!
Hold on, you’re actually reading this section? Oh stop, you’re making me blush! No, YOU are more fun than The Roundup! I could talk to you all day. So yeah, um, are you free on, um, like, Wednesday? Yeah? From 3:00 to 3:30? My goodness, it was meant to be. Oh, and bring your friends, too! Wednesdays after school in B202. Contact an editor or adviser to get involved today.
The Wrangler © 2021 Editing Board:
Head of Outreach:
Jackson Bernreuter ’21 Bobby Munhall ’23 Will Hays ’21 Head of Twitter: Ian Murphy ’23
Advisers: Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
Editing Coordinator: Head of Graphics: Nick Hahne ’22 Ryan Lin ’22 Disclaimer: All jokes are completely literal. Printed on recycled Roundup editions.