The WrangleR Think Johnson & Johnson...now think the opposite Edition Roman Numeral Eighty-Five
Feature: How to pull off the best, COVID-friendly April Fool’s pranks
Real. Comfortable. News.
Investigation: Where is the final Easter egg?
@BrophyWrangler
Update: This freshman finally cracked Middlemist’s “chunk format” formula
News in Briefs
Meme time!
By: Nick Hahne ’22
THE DIRECTION MOST SENIORS’ GRADES ARE GOING: As we head into the final stretch of the school year, we promise to be the excavator freeing you from your muddy bank of stress... Or something like that.
• Kairos retreatants left to foot the bill for shingles, pipes, and support beams in Manresa dormitory after spiritual enlightenment supposedly moved them to “raise the roof ” to the Lord • “The break went by so fast!” - a student who sleeps 25 hours a day • “The break was soooo long” - a student who sleeps < 3 Hours a day • Anonymous student sends email to all teachers asking for more Minecraft projects • CDC realizes that COVID is mutating and creating new diseases: multiple Brophy freshmen diagnosed with Minecraft Fever
The Wrangler’s April Fool’s checklist By: Ransom Kaul ’24 Hey Broncos, it’s that time of year again! The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and millions of little siblings are trying to get even with families who “aren’t funny.” Yes, it’s time for some April Fools pranks - Covid Edition!
Refill all hand sanitizer stations with hair gel This two-parter makes for the perfect prank! Not only do your victims’ hands get sticky, but everybody gets sick too! That’s a real kneeslapper! Smear mayonnaise inside of someone’s mask Because everybody loves mayo! Seriously, have you ever met somebody who DOESN’T want mayo smeared all over their face? If not, I don’t know who you’re hanging out with, but
you should really change crowds. Give your friend a hug ‘Cause even during Covid-times, we need to STICK together! (Note: If you still have the hair gel from Prank #1, use that here too! Moving on to our next great prank… <REDACTED> <For reasons of public health and safety, the remainder of this article and its author have been terminated. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, please email Mr. Higgins at all_hail_lord_higgins@this_is_a_ joke_Señor_please_dont_hurt_me.com. Thank you, and All Hail Overlord Higgins.>
• Mrs. Mazier encourages Roundup to print editions on Earth Day to double recycling efforts • Totally insane person doesn’t want to obsess over finding every last hidden Easter egg, opting instead to spend a nice Easter with their family • This just in: Freshmen are even MORE awkward when told to discuss their “habits online” in breakout rooms during Moral Courage Day • Seniors, please pick up your graduation announcements. Please? PLEASE!
Exclusive quidditch Super League showcases best of the better By: Shai Josephs ’23
WHAT MANY DID OVER SPRING BREAK: A HUGE upset as Sunnyslope beats Brophy, but wait, there’s more... the game everyone’s talking about is the championship. NOBODY expected the high-powered #9 Sunnyslope to get beaten by the struggling #1 Brophy. Congrats, athletes, on your sweeping victory!
Join the freshman SMP By: Darren Gadow ’24, Ransom Kaul ’24, and Henry Wagy ’24
JOIN THE FRESHMAN* SMP** NOW***!**** DISCORD LINK: https:// discord.gg/addict’d2mncrft OR SCAN QR CODE!
* Freshmen only. Non-freshmen will get a special role, but will not be eligible to play. ** Minecraft SMP. Education edition only. *** No, you don’t have to now, but please do it sometime. **** Sorry for yelling
Episode III – Revenge of Darth Jar Jar By: Tommy Liddy ’23 and Mr. Scott Middlemist ’87 A freshman (who chose to remain anonymous) was surprised recently, when during his Honors English 1 Class with Mr. Middlemist, he realized he accidentally submitted his Star Wars fanfic rather than his comparison essay of The Once and Future King and Star Wars: A New Hope. Even
more surprising for the stressed freshman was the fact that he got the highest grade in the class. “I got a 100%, nobody gets that in Middlemist. Everyone probably thinks I bribed him,” said the anonymous freshman. The second highest grade in his class was an 82%. The anonymous freshman
commented, “That kid takes AP Seminar! He’s gotta be so mad at me.” Thankfully, the anonymous freshman allowed us to publish his fan fiction with Middlemist’s comments intact. Dear Wrangler readers, please enjoy An Artifact: An (Unofficial) Star Wars Story from the Era of the Empire.
Neo-noir Brophy Easter egg hunt
By: Bobby Munhall ’23 Love. Loss. Anger. Confusion. Saxophones. What could their motive possibly be for Screaming madly into the sky from an aerial having a soda vending machine without any view. More saxophones. soda? Do they pour it into pitchers and serve it somewhere else? Speaking of pitchers, I When I was contracted to investigate the case believe this soda fiasco was strike 1, and I was of the missing Easter Eggs at Brophy College about to pitch a perfect game. I next decided Preparatory, I could never imagine the extent to check inside the lockers in the Dutch weight to which saxophones would pervade the room. This basement reeked of eggs and it almost tangible, stale air that hung around also seemed like the perfect place to conduct campus in the aftermath of the egg hunt. Less illicit egg trading practices - strike 2. After importantly, I had no idea what I was getting a thorough search and thorough washing of myself into. My sources told me that there my hands after handling the teenage boys’ were 273 eggs planted around the campus, but locker contents, I came up empty-handed. only 272 eggs were found. How could that be? Each individual classroom was pretty easy to Am I better than the collective brainpower of search, but finding the classrooms themselves 1300 high school students? The answer to one proved to be a more difficult task. Who of my questions is “Undoubtedly,” but I won’t knew there were Brophy classrooms at the tell you which. Football Field? (Was it a broom closet? Am I imagining things? Do I imagine things? Are Anyway, I started my search by looking inside you asking yourself, “How many questions the soda vending machines, but they were can this guy ask in one report?”? The answer? devoid of eggs - they were actually devoid Undoubtedly). The only part of campus I had of anything for that matter...how strange. not yet scoured was the basement of Romley.
Join The Wrangler! Welcome back Broncos! Now that Easter break is over and we’re back on campus, you actually have somewhat of a social life! Want to extend this feeling of social acceptance for an additional 30 minutes every week? Wednesdays after school in B202. Contact an editor or adviser to get involved today.
As I walked down the stairs to Romley, my heart was beating faster than the time it takes for a bullfrog to croak a Mississippi mile. If I was going to figure out the secret I was sure laid in the basement of Romley - I was going to do it in grandiose fashion. With a baseball and baseball bat in hand, fully prepared to break the glass of the door, I threw the ball up, and in mid-swing, my bat was stuck. I looked backward, and a teacher was there, holding my bat. He quickly restrained me and called the police. As the sirens approached and I was promptly handcuffed, I looked back at Romley and what could have been a breakthrough, and I could have sworn the police officer whispered into my ear: “Forget it, Bobby; it’s Brophytown.” I’m writing to you now from the stationery in my jail cell, hopeful that someone will break this mystifying case wide open, but who knows where it’s going from here and how deep this thing goes… until next time.
The Wrangler © 2021 Editing Board:
Head of Outreach:
Jackson Bernreuter ’21 Bobby Munhall ’23 Will Hays ’21 Head of Twitter: Ian Murphy ’23
Advisers: Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
Editing Coordinator: Head of Graphics: Nick Hahne ’22 Ryan Lin ’22 Disclaimer: All jokes are completely literal. Printed on recycled Roundup editions.