Hindustantimes Brunch 20 may 2012

WEEKLY MAGAZINE, MAY 20, 2012 Free with your copy of Hindustan Times

indulge

VIR SANGHVI Egged on

RAJIV MAKHNI

Pick the smartest phone

SANJOY NARAYAN The Poliรงa beat

SEEMA GOSWAMI

Beyond the fine leg

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W AT C H O U T F O R

NOW ON STANDS,

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20.05.2012 BRUNCH QUARTERLY – STARRING...

In the latest issue of Brunch Quarterly, we bring you an assorted mix of fashion, films, food, and the good life. We also bring you celebs, the ones who look good (Farhan Akhtar and Sonam Kapoor), the ones who redefine love, those who dance to keep fit and siblings who have made it big. Read now!

inbox LETTER OF THE WEEK! Wheels for girls

YOUR COVER story (Women Brake Free, May 13) has been an eye opener. It made me break free from the notion that two-wheelers are not meant for girls. Today, owning a scooter is a necessity, and is also liberating as you are not at the mercy of your husband or driver. Thanks to your informative article I am no longer in two minds about buying a two-wheeler for myself, soon!

— ZINAT A, via email Zinat A wins a shopping voucher worth ` 2,500. Congrats!

Salt and pepper rules PRANAV DIXIT’S article (My First White Hairs, May 13) had me laughing and hungry for more as he poured out his own story along with some interesting inputs from experts. My friend has a thatch of saltpepper hair and it’s his trademark now. It’s not everyday that we read an article that makes us laugh and learn at the same time.

— SWATI PANDEY, via email

Write in, the best letter every week can win you a SHOPPING voucher worth

R2,500!!

The shopping voucher will reach the winner within seven to 10 working days. In case of any delays, please contact chirag.sharma@hindustantimes.com

Celebs to look out for: ■ Soha and Saba Ali Khan; Shantanu and Nikhil; Siddharth, Kunaal and Aditya Roy Kapur – stories of celeb siblings ■ Prateik, Suchitra Krishnamoorthi and Ronit Roy on love ■ Meiyang Chang, Neha Bhasin and Yuvika Chaudhury dance to keep fit

LIKE, COMMENT, SHARE facebook.com/hindustantimesbrunch Sushma Sachdev: In the year 1970, from what I know, there was perhaps only one scooter-riding lady in Delhi. Look how far we have come today.

Dixita Jain: Brunch, u r my fav magazine! I wait for Sunday to come so that I can have ‘Brunch’ in my hand!

Thank you soo much Brunch for making my Sundays awesomest! Keep it up!

TWEET YOUR HEART OUT twitter.com/HTBrunch @khviyermclaren @RajivMakhni @HTBrunch I think Samsung S3 has given a tough competition to other brands...S3 looks amazing in it’s design,feature and price. @KaransKaushaL: @RajivMakhni @htbrunch the galaxy is the Norse God Thor in real means too powerful and no weakness...

or to 18-20 Kasturba Gandhi Marg, New Delhi 110001 MAY 20, 2012

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Easy to fall into this laughter trap So you’re rolling on the floor laughing after reading this issue? Good. Wanna laugh some more? Look at our photoshoot of these stand-up comics. You’ll laugh and go ‘awww’ at the same time!

Brunch Blogs

This week, check out One Bite At A Time by Mignonne Dsouza. Food, recipes and all that’s good to eat

shows you how to do whatever it takes to get on TV. Make it big or die trying

Sorabh Pant

imagines what would transpire if Chetan Bhagat interviewed Salman Rushdie

Rahul Roushan

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Gursimran Khamba

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Tanmay Bhat

turns into Poonam Pandey as he guides you through making it big on Twitter concocts a note from Mallika Sherawat to Freida Pinto, on conquering Hollywood

plays Saif Ali Khan, the coolest Agony Uncle ever.

What’s your problem?

27

Papa CJ

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Kunal Rao

contemplates fame, infamy, celebrities and his navel.

Well, almost argues that Bollywood needs real superheroes. Right now

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@Pai_Abhijith: HT’s @HTBrunch mag is the finest Sunday special attraction any Indian newspaper’s ever had!

BRUNCH ON THE WEB hindustantimes.com/brunch

Neeti Palta

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@urvashimaharshi Nice article by @HTBrunch about women riding. Feeling good as even I ride daily…thanks for such a wonderful topic.

DESIGN: Ashutosh Sapru (National Editor, Design), Monica Gupta, Swati Chakrabarti, Rakesh Kumar, Ashish Singh, Suhas Kale, Shailendra Mirgal

brunchletters@hindustantimes.com

Real comics. Imaginary situations. What’s this about? Turn to page 8

Darshini Shah: I always wait for Brunch just to read Personal Agenda... It’s my passion to know more and more about film stars...

EDITORIAL: Poonam Saxena (Editor), Aasheesh Sharma, Tavishi Paitandy Rastogi, Rachel Lopez, Mignonne Dsouza, Veenu Singh, Parul Khanna Tewari, Yashica Dutt, Pranav Dixit, Amrah Ashraf, Saudamini Jain, Shreya Sethuraman

Drop a line at

Laughter Special

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RUDE FOOD Egg Roast, the perfect dish from God’s own country

20 TECHILICIOUS It’s time for the 2012 smartphone shootout 21 DOWNLOAD CENTRAL Why it’s easy to place huge bets on Minneapolis-based Poliça 22 SPECTATOR Why is sports commentary full of flashy bimbos?

Cover Design: MONICA GUPTA Cover Photos: APARNA JAYAKUMAR, RAJ K RAJ & KALPAK PATHAK

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WELLNESS

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MIND BODY SOUL

REPAIR YOUR ELECTROLYTE BALANCE Since stress leads to water retention, it is important to get your body to stop holding on to excess fluid. The most important ingredients for water management are simple herbs that cause dieresis.

SHIKHA SHARMA

UNDER PRESSURE

BARLEY WATER: Soak barley granules overnight and boil in water till it forms a decoction.

Barley water is an excellent diuretic.

S

tress makes the headlines every day. But it’s often misunderstood.

Different people react to it differently, and what may make one person anxious, pressured or stressed may barely ruffle the feathers of another. We all have varying levels of vulnerability to stress, and these levels change throughout our lives. When we have a stressor in one area of our life, it’s usually possible to handle it adequately. But it’s when there are aggressors on all fronts that we are likely to be overwhelmed. This is when the trouble begins – when the stress is so extreme, it starts to interfere with our long-term health.

Stress has a unique effect on the body.

It changes the production levels of some hormones we produce, namely cortisol (which, in turn, affects other hormones linked to cortisol) and leads to stress-related obesity. Here’s how:

STRESS-RELATED EATING

Sugar cravings: Most people like sweets. But if you crave a sugar rush and get restless if you don’t get any, then it’s a sign of stress-related sweet consumption.

Putting on weight around the stomach: Increased levels of cortisol create an artificial sugar craving, causing us to store it deep inside the tissue and leads to fat deposits around the stomach. To understand how this is different from weight gain in general, look at people who are overweight but whose fat is distributed all over the body. Now compare them to people whose are generally slim but carry a lot of weight around the stomach.

LEMON JEERA WATER: Boil jeera for a few minutes, take off the flame and add lemon juice. Cool and drink.

SALT-FREE DINNERS: For a few days, avoid salt in your dinner. This is a simple and powerful way to free yourself from water retention.

ed. Stressed people feel they’re always running against the clock, and are in a constant state of panic. This only fuels unhealthy eating practices further.

Incapacitated by stress, people find it almost impossible to follow a dietary regime or make healthy food choices.

Photos: THINKSTOCK

Several CDs feature music that prepares the mind to relax WATER RETENTION

Several things can cause water retention: late dinners, heavy salt intake, too much oily food, excessive alcohol consumption (in women), a weak liver, a weak kidney, a mature pregnancy, steroid treatments and heavy medication. But of these, stress and late dinners are biggest culprits. Stress is behind almost 80 per cent of cases.

WEIGHT ISSUES

When they are not stressed, most women can lose weight without difficulty. But under stress, increased cortisol levels put your body in anxiety mode, causing you to conserve energy, making it harder to lose weight, and leaving you upset, angry and frustrat-

TAKE ACTION

Feeling stressed out lately?

Here’s what you can do to calm down: HEAL WITH WATER: Water is an excellent relaxant. Hot water relaxes the body, while cold water has an invigorating effect.

To relax tired nerves, take a 10minute steam bath and follow with a normal-temperature shower. To invigorate yourself, take a steam bath and top up with a cool shower.

LISTEN TO MUSIC: Music has therapeutic effects and can be used to destress yourself. Chanting “Om” is very helpful and can be practiced easily for 10 minutes early in the morning and before going to bed.

Buddhist chanting, Sufi music and bhajans are very calming as well.

GO FOR A WALK: A nice walk will help you absorb the chi or nature’s healing energy, which most of us, in

EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE

It’s not a stretch to use yoga to de-stress and relax

MCT

JASMINE FLOWERS: When boiled in water and taken as a decoction, the blooms are very helpful in flushing excess fluid.

our caged-in concrete existences, miss out on. Greenery does wonders for tired and fatigued nerves.

DETOXIFY: Once every week, avoid cereals, and have only fruits, salads, aloe vera and barley juice.

BREATHE BETTER: A good way to destress is to harness the power of the unconscious mind, also known as the healing part of the mind. It’s where you do not experience mental chatter and clutter. Two techniques can be used to enter this space – progressive relaxation (like with yoga), and selfhypnosis.

Progressive relaxation calms the mind and prepares it for a meditative state. Several CDs focus on the music and frequencies suitable for helping the mind achieve relaxation.

But if you like reading, pick up books by great masters like Swami Vivekananda.

Stress management is an art but it is also a science. It’s easy to get bogged down by anxiety. But give yourself the discipline to break free and you body will eventually reap the rewards. ask@drshikha.com

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Here’s...

What you hold in your hands are the most awesomely funny 32 pages ever, that took us weeks to put together. Contacting these funny men and woman (yes, the token), getting them to write for us and then organising exclusive shoots took so much out of us, that by the end we were ROFLWE (Rolling On The Floor, With Exhaustion!) Thus the name!

PS: We know we used ROFL and risked laying ourselves at the bottom of the coolness pit, but at least we didn’t go with LOL or LOLZZZZZ! So there, thank your stars.

WHY CELEBRITIES MAKE US ROFL! Why sit down and watch celebrities when you can stand up and laugh at them? In our special comedy issue, some truly funny individuals (well, they do it for a living) decide to poke fun at the poseurs, infuriate the infamous, giggle at the greats and heckle the halfwayfamous.

Fame is a funny thing, they found. It gets you noticed, it gets you fans. It gets you wanting more. It also gets you into Brunch.

We got them on board because stand-up comedy is an art form that has grown at an explosive pace in the past few years, with gigs that gather up to 2,000 people who want to spend an evening laughing and being laughed at.

And we got them to make fun of celebs because frankly, we’re a bit tired of them. No seriously. We love celebs but... For the ROFL issue, then, we decided to have some good, clean fun at their expense. Don't take everything you read inside seriously – the writers might mean it, we don’t! And if you are a celebrity reading this, we know you won’t mind.

You do have a sense of humour (we know).

RAHUL ROUSHAN

KUNAL RAO

A former journalist who started Faking News, a popular news satire website.

What do you think when you think ‘celebrity’: “Plastic.”

What makes you ROFL? “A floor with a cozy carpet and someone tickling my belly.”

Do you think you are a celebrity: “Yes. Dil ke khush rakhne ko Ghalib yeh khayaal achchha hai.”

Kunal Rao is an ex chartered accountant who sits on Facebook all day and calls it “social media analysis”. His hidden ambition is to be a pop star.

What do you think when you think ‘celebrity’: “Rich.”

What makes you ROFL? “People who say ‘ROFL’.”

Do you think you are a celebrity: “Nope. They make money.”

GURSIMRAN KHAMBA Khamba is a co-founder of the popular comedy podcast All India Bakc**d and writer for the Late Show on the TV channel Colors.

What do you think when you think ‘celebrity’: “The N’ Sync song.”

What makes you ROFL? “Cylinder blast jokes.”

Do you think you are a celebrity: “No, but everyone who’s into stand-up comedy now is helping create a new industry.”

PAPA CJ With more than 1000 shows all over the globe, Papa CJ is recognised as a cutting edge stand-up comic with a host of global gigs to his name.

What do you think when you think ‘celebrity’: “Idiots.”

What makes you ROFL? “Watching other comedians falling flat on their faces.”

Do you think you are a celebrity: “No. I have to do real work for a living.”

SORABH PANT

TANMAY BHAT

Sorabh Pant is the author of The Wednesday Soul.

What do you think when you think ‘celebrity’: “A person who spends every moment getting every slice of attention he/she can garner.”

What makes you ROFL? “Indian politicians (Run Off to Fin Land).”

Do you think you are a celebrity: “A man in a party once thought I was Rohit Shetty.”

Tanmay Bhat is (a) co-founder of the popular comedy podcast All India Bakc**d (b) One of the first few Indian comics to perform at The Comedy Store Mumbai and London and (c) bad with women.

What do you think when you think ‘celebrity’: Cocaine.

What makes you ROFL? “India.”

Do you think you are a celebrity: “No, because I am in my chaddis at home.”

NEETI PALTA Delhi girl, seeking attention from people with good lung power.

What do you think when you think ‘celebrity’: “Where? *looks around*” What makes you ROFL? Humans.

Do you think you are a celebrity: “Nope. Because if I was you’d be writing my bio instead.”

The views expressed by the authors are entirely their own and the magazine doesn’t subscribe to them in any way.

MAY 20, 2012

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Delhi girl, seeking attention from people with good lung power.

Tu Jaanta Nahin Main Kaun Hoon?

A pre-quarter finalist who got punched on a reality show thinks more of himself than you do, says Neeti. Well, you might be decent and respectable – but he’s famous! them or by being murdered by them. But a vast majority gets famous only in their heads. Tu jaanta nahin main kaun hoon?...Roadies pe pre-quarter-finalist tha…

Y

OU ARE somebody famous na? I’ve seen your photo in the newspaper…’ Those were the words that changed my life. Of course, the aforementioned photo was of me with a bunch of friends getting drunker than a rehab failure fresh off the wagon at TGIF and the article read “Die Rich Brats! Die!”…or something like that. Not exactly stuff that would spring forth happy tears to my mother’s eyes or make my father’s chest puff up with paternal pride. But there it was, surprise squirting like an excited puppy on an unsuspecting passerby’s leg …fame.

“What is fame? The advantage of being known by people of whom you yourself know nothing, and for whom you care as little” said Lord Byron…er…famously.

Some get famous the hard way.

By writing books, making movies, training to be good at a sport and by other equally tiresome means.

Others just have it fall into their laps like a lissome heroine (who neglected to hold the hand rail in a Metro despite repeated nasal announcements) … By having the DNA sequence that launches a thousand brands, by being born to famous people, by marrying

LOOK AT ME, ME, ME!

It’s the need to be noticed, and hopefully remembered, which birthed the pox which inflicts modern television… Reality shows that refuse to exit gracefully, leaving air time for more meaningful or at least more entertaining programmes.

Much like our netas in the parliament. Who’d rather be insulted by overbearing, pompous and downright mean people on TV than live a respectable life of anonymity.

I’m surprised there aren’t matrimonial ads out yet that read – ‘Kshatriya boy, 5 ft 8”, wheatish complexion, four-figure pocket money, has appeared on TV as studio audience for 2.03 seconds, seeks alliance with fair, homely, convent educated, modern girl with traditional values.

Only girls who’ve appeared in any mass media need apply.’ At least so the wedding card could declare a “celebrity marriage”. After all, not everyone is blessed enough to have a celeb visit their wedding to “not promote” his/her upcoming show.

Becoming a celeb today is more coveted than a cure for cancer or even Sachin’s next century

I’M A CELEBRITY AND I KNOW IT Becoming a celeb today is more coveted than finding a cure for cancer or even Sachin’s next century.

And the TRP-seeking, ultra-low standards of today’s media are a big

Photo: RAJ K RAJ

“I don’t do period jokes. Because then I’d be funny only once a month” MAY 20, 2012

boon for us really-really-wannabes.

You just have to stand out amongst a population of 1.22 billion, somehow. Dress as Bappi Lahri’s twin to audition for a singing contest (singing skills optional), offer to marry every mother’s nightmare on air, swear on national television that you saw a flying cow, slap a politician, or let one sleep on your charpai (strictly platonic) or simply trample a fellow spectator at a cricket match to grab that 3 sec camera time while bowlers surreptitiously pick at the ball’s seam with their finger nails...allegedly.

Or you could just offer to shed your clothes for…um… national morale. Not that you have to follow through, just the offer itself is enough. (Turn to page 14 for elaborate tips on that!) And if all else fails you could always find a celebrity to have an “encounter” with. Bump into them, step aside for them, wave at them from behind a security cordon, wait outside their home for a darshan or even troll them on Twitter. That way all your conversations can start with “Ek bar na jab maine Shah Rukh ko…”

Epilogue: If anyone finds this article offensive, please create a controversy to make me a celebrity. Pretty please?

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Over-paid comedian. Under-paid author of The Wednesday Soul.

Intense lover of Pants. Pant, pant!

Gulp Fiction: When Chetan Met Salman What happens when the 2020 Revolutionist runs into the original Midnight’s Child at an airport one night?

Sorabh Pant imagines the war of words

C

Photo: APARNA JAYKUMAR

hetan Bhagat: OK, let me see – what’s my first question to you?

Salman Rushdie: The trend is to ask me about the Jaipur Litfest.

CB: Right, of course – so, what’s your take on that?

SR: Obviously, it affected me considerably. I had been rehearsing my oration for weeks. I’d even found the perfect sentence that incorporated, ‘camel’, ‘reverberations’, and, ‘this government sucks’, in haiku. (CB laughs). Seriously. The incident bespoke tremendously about the government’s inadequacies. More than that – my travel agent was agitated beyond belief.

She’s exhausted with my constant cancellations.

CB (Laughs. Pauses as SR is silent): Oh, you’re serious?

SR: No, I’m joking. (Laughs).

CB: OK. Now, there’s an important question a friend of mine, Bhaskar, has been wanting to ask you – you and Padma Lakshmi. How? SR: (Laughs) Obviously, she was attracted to my physical prowess. Long story, but it’s over. I’ve moved on. I do carry a photograph around.

CB: Padma?

SR: No, the real Goddess. I’ve got them all in my wallet – it’s a good reminder of human persuasion and I find their lore exceedingly attractive.

CB: We can’t seem to avoid religion around you. Now, there’s obviously that fatwa MAY 20, 2012

on you. How hard is it to deal with?

SR: How hard is it to deal with the constant threat of death? It’s not easy. It makes me disconsolate that my kinsmen find my words so ruffling they want to bathe in my blood.

CB: I’ve faced that too, to a lesser extent. The critics... You should read their reviews!

Flight Announcement: “… Air France flight to Qatar is now boarding…”

CB: Is that yours?

SR: No, I’m not allowed there.

CB: OK. (Pause) Let’s go through this list of flights and you tell me if you’re allowed there or not. Istanbul?

SR: Maybe. Depends on who’s watching.

CB: Dubai?

SR: They’ll allow anyone with money.

CB: Oh, Jaipur?

SR: Let’s not ride that camel again.

CB: Karachi?

SR: I think we know the answer to that before you even asked it! Let me ask Imran Khan. It’s a bit unnerving to note how many places are barred for me.

CB: You should apply for visas just for fun.

SR: I will. Look, Chetan, getting back on track… I think you’ve faced a lot of flak for your literary ambles.

I’m actually a fan of your work.

CB: (Pause) Really?

SR: Absolutely. You’re the King of the Masses. Have you seen a show called Game of Thrones?

CB: Yes, I love it!

SR: I think it’s absolute drivel. But, people love it. It swept the consciousness of the American people. You’ve achieved a similar thing in India.

CB: OK. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment.

SR: It is. You take some very interesting premises and ensure that they will appeal to the lowest common denominator. It’s a great skill.

CB: Again, I’m not sure whether to say thanks.

I love what I do and who I write for. But I have a complaint against writers of your type.

SR: My genre, you mean?

CB: Whatever. You always tend to write like you’ve got a thesaurus open. Why use a big word when you can use a simpler one?

SR: I am at privation to understand your implication, Chetan.

CB: See! SR: Sorry, that’s an old writers’ joke. What’s your complaint?

CB: I write books for entertainment, entertainment, entertainment.

SR: That quote resonates with me.

(Pause) Isn’t it from The Dirty Picture?

CB: Let’s not get into another one of these me-versus-a-movie things. My complaint is that don’t you want to appeal to a broader audience?

SR: “Marcus, Fortwith each sheep has its own flock for yon to Shepherd”, that’s a quote from an unpublished Shakesperean tragedy.

Personally, a lot of his work was lionised for little reason, but, that quote fits here.

Chetan: “You go on out there and shock the world, I'll rake in the big bucks and awards”

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CB: See! Unknown Shakespeare plays? Guys in call centres don’t even care about known Shakespeare plays! It’s reverse snobbery, I guess. I’ve faced much trouble for writing popular material and I find it odd that you writers don’t do the same.

SR: Never shall the twain meet.

CB: What does twain mean? See, again! Nobody uses such words and it seems like you guys just try and alienate readers with your choice of words.

SR: It’s probably the quantum of reading I have done. But, Chetan, tell me your favourite book.

CB: It would probably be The Catcher in The Rye. I based a lot of Five Point Someone on that. That lead guy, what’s his name…?

SR: It’s Holden.

CB: Right. Holden was the basis of Hari.

SR: So, you could say a lot of the credit goes to JD Salinger?

CB: Let’s not do that ‘credit’ thing again. One of your books is actually a favourite.

SR: Oh, which one?

CB: Haroun And The Sea Of

Stories.

SR: Oh yes, the children’s novel.

CB: (Pause) Yes, the children’s novel. Don’t be like that.

SR: Like what?

CB: Patronising. I’m tired of all this condescension against the popular novel and the popular novelist. I never aimed to snare a Booker. In my stream of consciousness, all I perceive is the reader as a receptacle of a story that is easily digestible. Why would you pirouette in the false belief that the popular novel is in some ludicrous way beneath your personage? Does acceptance by a mass of psychos that read my words purely as a release and not for some higher calling make you so grotesquely uncomfortable that you can’t see my end aim? I’m Chetan Bhagat – I’m a popular novelist. THE most popular novelist and I’m tired of being called to judgment in this self-anointed court of Literary Masturbation.

SR: That was extremely erudite!

CB: Yeah, I’m capable of it. I just choose not to exercise it.

SR: I… I didn’t know.

You… you have a literary genius hiding inside you. How do you live with it.

CB: Well, Salman.

Since, the cat is out of the bag – I have a pseudonym.

SR: Really?

CB: Yes. Much like George Eliot was Mary Ann Evans as established by her treatise, Silly Novels By Lady Novelists.

SR: You know of that?

CB: I know much more than people give me credit for, Salman. You may have read a little book called The God Of Small Things.

SR: I love that book. Arundhati is such a good writer.

CB: Thank you.

SR: I don’t understand, Chetan.

CB: I am Arundhati. It’s the modern literary world – earlier women had to hide behind a man’s pseudonym to be taken seriously. Now, men have to hide behind Bengali/

Salman: “It’s unnerving to note how many places are barred for me. Let me ask Imran Khan”

Malayali/ North East Indian women. Give me a wig, righteous anger and I’m Arundhati.

SR: But… but…

CB: Hold on, I have the wig in my handbag. (Ruffle) Now? SR: Holy Jesus and all the other Gods in all their different heavens!

The resemblance is astonishing!

This changes everything!

CB: Sorry to leave you dangling Salman, but, my flight is here.

SR: But, they didn’t announce any.

CB: It’s my private Lear, I’m going to meet the Shah of Iran – he’s a big fan of my other pseudonym.

SR: Another pseudonym?

CB: (British accent) Expelliarmus, old chap.

SR: You’re JK Rowling and Arundhati Roy! CB: Bingo! Best-selling author in three different worlds, Sallu. You go on out there and shock the world, I’ll rake in the big bucks and the awards. I think you had an haiku to write, right? Well, ciao. I’ll see you at the next Litfest. We’ll all see you!

“Princesses trapped in castles shouldn’t look like Cameron Diaz, they should look like Dolly’s Satan child”

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Rahul Roushan is the Pagal Patrakar of the virtual world, earlier he was just a Patrakar in the real world.

P For Popularity, In Just 140 Characters

Rahul Roushan pretends to be Poonam Pandey (who? the one who wanted to strip for cricket) and dispenses advice on how to make it big on Twitter. (It’s the only place she’s making it big)

T

HERE WAS a time when all you needed to be popular on Twitter was a name starting with an ‘S’ – Shashi Tharoor, Shah Rukh Khan, Sachin Tendulkar, Salman Khan, etc. But now times have changed and Tharoor has been replaced by Priyanka Chopra as the Indian with the most followers on Twitter. Soon Priyanka will be replaced by another ‘P’ – me, Poonam Pandey.

If you think that’s a tall claim (a little like me claiming to strip naked when India won the cricket World Cup), you are mistaken. I’ve decoded the Twitter code of popularity – and by daring to think beyond the great management guru Arindam Chaudhuri, I’ve shortlisted seven Ps for being famous on Twitter.

1. Promotion: Get it straight – this is why you are on Twitter. Don’t let terms like ‘microblogging’ or ‘social networking’ confuse you. You are not here to make friends or engage in meaningful conversations.

Go join Orkut for the former; become a Wikipedia editor for the latter. Promote yourself! Anything will do – claim that you helped your neighbour go to a doctor, even if that means you pushed him from the balcony after a fight.

2. Plagiarism: Not a cognisable offence on Twitter, yet. Copypaste any funny one-liner that you come across on the Net and tweet it as if it’s yours.

You can copy others’ tweets too – in fact, you should.

Copying tweets is like taking bribes in India – that’s how the economy has survived till now. Make sure that the tweets you copy were originally tweeted by people who have less

than 100 followers. If someone catches you, say that you never claimed that you were being original.

3. Pictures: This is my favourite ‘P’.

I just post pictures of myself in my underwear and get new followers! (Don’t do that if you’re a man and look like Ram Kapoor, obviously). Pictures of girls or cats, preferably with just one layer on their bodies, work best (get them from Google).

Also, if you find a joke which doesn’t fit within the 140 characters allowed in a tweet, you can type it on some random picture and tweet it. Remember, a picture says a thousand words.

4. Praise: Praise popular celebs if you want to become one. You could get an RT (retweet) from them and their fans could follow you. A small trick: Always check the Wikipedia page for a particular day (take June 19, for instance) and look for holidays or birthdays. What does it say?

Rahul Gandhi was born on this day?

Send a tweet to Shashi Tharoor – “Sir, it’s Rahul Gandhi’s birthday today, please RT!” Instant fame.

5. Punditry: Tweet as if you’re an expert on everything (think you’re Suhel Seth: Even your curly hair

should look like it’s making a strong point). Don’t let facts or data come in your way, those are just sundry distractions. Twitter is where issues of national importance are debated every day. You must participate in at least one of them.

6. Participation: It is everything, much like India in the Olympics.

Twitter ‘hashtags’ give you an idea of what is hot and happening at any point of time.

Jump in and tweet anything. You can always fall back upon the first P – plagiarism – if you can’t be a pundit. Don’t worry if you don’t understand what’s going on. Participate in any form like I participated in the World Cup (by promising to go nude).

7. Puns: Jokes – I love copying them! Anything goes, especially Kapil Sibal, Digvijay Singh, Rakhi Sawant and Baba Ramdev. If you are not sure the joke is funny, add ‘LOL’ to it. Sometimes you can just copy-paste news headlines (that’s not plagiarism by the way) and add “LOL” to them. For example, “Manmohan Singh to speak in Parliament today. LOL!” And if nothing works, hey, just follow everyone on Twitter and most of them will follow you right back!

All the best. Take care tweethearts.

Muaaaahhhh!!!

Poonam Pandey (PS: I sent a semi nude picture of myself with this article, but Brunch refused to publish it)

Copying tweets is like taking bribes in India – that’s how the economy has survived till now

Photo: RAJ K RAJ

“I couldn’t watch Satyamev Jayate as I was sleeping. Jaago Re is more relevant for people like me” MAY 20, 2012

indulge

GOD’S OWN DISH The Egg Roast combines the teekha flavours of the Malabar coast, the spicy aromas from the plantations of Kerala and the earthy simplicity of roadside dhabas

ADD THE SPICE

Chef Ananda Solomon uses kokum (top) and my Malayali friends use cinnamon bark and cloves (above) to make Egg Roast

W

Vir Sanghvi

HENEVER PEOPLE ask me if I have a favourite cuisine or a favourite dish, I always say that I don’t because, frankly, there is so much good food out there that it is hard to choose.

I’m reluctant also to say if I have a favourite among the many regional cuisines of India. But if you hold a gun to my head, then I will probably concede that – at least in my opinion – the greatest Indian cuisine is the food of Kerala.

Why Kerala? Well, partly because it is a personal preference. I just love the food. But there are also good rational reasons for my choice.

First of all, Malayali food is one of the few Indian cuisines that covers everything.

There is terrific fish as you would expect from a coastal state. But the meat and poultry dishes are great too. How many other states can boast a good recipe for duck along with a brilliant one for crab? And then, there’s the outstanding vegetarian food. (Though frankly, Malayalis tend to get a little carried away with their drumsticks… And you have to be one of God’s own people to love tapioca as much as they do).

Secondly, Kerala is a synthesis of three of the greatest religions in the subcontinent – Hinduism, Christianity and Islam – and the cuisine reflects that. The Moplah cuisine of the Malabar Muslims has an Arab flavour, borrowed from the traders who regularly visited the region. The Syrian Christians are among the world’s oldest Christians (legend has it that they were converted by St Thomas, the apostle who was the Doubting Thomas of the Bible). So there were Christians in Kerala when many people in Europe were still living on trees. Syrian

rude food

Photos: THINKSTOCK

18

Christian cuisine is rich and varied and uses pork, beef and other ingredients you don’t always find in other Indian cuisines.

And the Hindu Malayali food is delicious, full of great vegetarian dishes that are distinguished by their lightness and subtlety.

Thirdly, it is the spices. Indian food is not only about the quality of the ingredients (as Western cuisine is); it is about combining the flavours of the spices. And Kerala is the spice garden of India.

It has the most wonderful, fragrant spices and the food of all three communities – Muslim, Hindu and Christian – is distinguished by the skill with which spices are used.

When I first got into Malayali food in the 1980s, it was only available in South India and especially in Kerala itself. Because the cuisine is so complex, it revealed its secrets slowly. Even now, each time I try a new dish from Kerala, I am surprised by the dexterity with which meats, vegetables and spices have been cooked.

The mark of a great cuisine, I always think, is that the food that ordinary people eat – not just the banquet and party food made by great cooks – is interesting and memorable. My favourite Kerala dishes have always been the simplest ones.

Take Egg Roast. It is not, as you might imagine, a roasted egg. It is, in fact, a dish in which NO ONE’S BABY

The Leela’s chef Purshotham says that the Egg Roast is now too ubiquitous to be associated with any one community

CHEF PURSHOTHAM’S EGG ROAST 4 PORTIONS (SHOULD SERVE 8) INGREDIENTS 16 hard boiled eggs (remove shell, make gashes) 800 gm onions, sliced 50 gm garlic pods, peeled and chopped 15 gm ginger, julienned 15 gm green chillies, slit 10 gm curry leaves 200 gm tomatoes, sliced 20 gm coriander powder 8 gm red chilli powder 3 gm turmeric powder 2 gm fennel seeds 3 gm black pepper, crushed 2 gm cumin powder, roasted 2 gm garam masala powder Salt to taste Photo courtesy: THE LEELA

MAY 20, 2012

10 gm coriander leaves, chopped 60 ml vegetable oil or coconut oil METHOD ■ Heat oil in pan, add fennel seeds, garlic, ginger, onions, green chillies and curry leaves.

■ Stir fry for few minutes on a low flame until the onions become translucent.

■ Add red chilli powder, coriander powder, turmeric powder, cumin powder and salt and fry for a few minutes.

■ Add tomatoes and saute until tomatoes are mashed.

■ Now add eggs and stir fry without breaking the eggs.

■ Add crushed black pepper, garam masala powder and chopped coriander leaves and cook on low flame until the oil separates from the sides of the pan and the eggs are slightly crisp.

■ Adjust the seasoning and serve with appams.

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THE HOME-STYLE RECIPE INGREDIENTS

1 PORTION (SERVES 2)

4 hard boiled eggs 6-7 big onions, finely sliced (keep a fistful aside for later) 3 small tomatoes, diced (don’t dice them too small, it lets out too much moisture) 3-4 garlic cloves, finely chopped Small piece of ginger, finely chopped 2-3 green chillies, slit into two (add more if you like it hot) 2-3 tsp cooking oil 3-4 cloves 2 pieces cinnamon bark 2 bay leaves 1/2 tsp turmeric powder 2 tsp coriander powder 1 tsp red chilli powder (less, if you don’t like it so hot) 1/2 tsp garam masala Coriander leaves and curry leaves

Salt to taste METHOD ■ Heat the oil in a hot pan. Add garlic, ginger and onion (in that order) to the oil and fry them slowly over a slow fire till they are a little more than golden brown. Stir continuously so that the onions do not burn or caramelise.

■ Now roughly grind the cloves, cinnamon and bay leaves with a mortar-pestle and add to the pan. Keep the fire low. Once you sense the aroma of the cloves, stir in the turmeric powder, coriander powder and red chilli powder. Let the spices roast with the onions for a minute or so (be careful not to burn them).

■ Throw in the green chilli slices and tomatoes. Stir till the tomatoes are cooked, making sure the gravy is not too squishy.

Stir in the garam masala.

■ Your gravy is ready.

■ Now, halve the boiled eggs, place them on your serving dish, and pour your gravy over them. Throw in some chopped coriander and curry leaves. You can fry the onions you kept aside, and mix them in just before serving for added texture.

■ The dish tastes better if you let it rest for an hour or so before serving as the eggs will take a while to absorb the flavours.

hard-boiled eggs are cooked in a wet masala. I first tried it for breakfast in the 1980s in Cochin. And now, I am addicted to it.

Why is it called a roast when it is actually a dry-ish curry? Nobody I spoke to seemed to know. One theory is that the egg is meant to be roasted, which makes no sense to me.

And where is it from? I asked Arun Kumar TR, the filmmaker-turned-chef who has now reinvigorated the excellent Zambar chain. Arun said that every little dhaba and restaurant in the Fort Cochin area served it. Perhaps, it was a Christian dish.

I checked Lathika George’s The Suriani Kitchen, a wonderful cookbook, full of Syrian Christian recipes and found that she had claimed it for her community. Like Arun, George also regards it as a dhaba dish, and provides a recipe.

She writes: “Perfectly browned onions are the base of this slowly stir-fried dish. This is a favourite in little tea shops and truck drivers’ haunts all over Kerala, usually served with parota or appams. Bakeries sometimes stuff the spiced eggs into triangles of flaky pastry and sell them as egg puffs…”

So is it really a Syrian Christian dish? I asked the great Ananda Solomon, who is from Mangalore but whose house falls on the border with Kerala. Ananda denied that the Egg Roast was a Syrian Christian dish and insisted that it had Muslim origins. But

he also said that it had now spread all over Kerala and was common to all communities. Ananda sometimes puts it on the menu of his Konkan Café in Bombay in the winter, but his version has a slight Mangalorean touch because he uses a little kokum for sourness. Ananda says that Moplah food has Mangalorean influences and insists that the name ‘Roast’ was imposed by the Brits who called anything that wasn’t a curry a roast.

Finally, I decided to check with Dinesh Nair, the foodie who is MD of the Leela chain. Though the Leela goes on and on about Megu, Le Cirque etc. (with justification), the chain’s real strength has always been its South Indian food. Dinesh’s father Captain Nair opened his first hotel in Bombay convinced that even if all else failed, it would still be a success solely on the strength of his wife Leela’s Malayali cooking. The original cooks and chefs were all chosen by Mrs Nair herself and her family continues to be obsessed with food. For instance, the idlis at the Bangalore Leela have been justly praised for their excellence. So, Dinesh insists that the rice for idlis at every Leela property is flown in from Bangalore to ensure the same level of perfection.

Dinesh directed me to the Leela’s legendary South Indian chef (legendary to other chefs – he keeps a low profile, otherwise) Purshotham. Like Ananda, Purshotham says that the dish is now too ubiquitous to be associated with any one community but agrees that its origins lie with the cuisine of the Muslims of the Malabar coast.

Though all Leela hotels do a fabulous Egg Roast, on par with anything I have eaten in the dhabas of Kerala, I thought I should also find out how the home-cooked version is made. So I checked with Hindu friends in Malabar how they made the dish in their own kitchens.

Their recipe was broadly the same except that, because my friends are from plantation families, they relied on spices more than the dhaba cooks did. Also, their version kept the onions slightly more solid at the end of the dish (not unlike the Lathika George recipe) while the Leela Egg Roast depended on the onions melting into the masala.

Broadly, the differences in all the recipes were to do with a few ingredients. Ananda used kokum, Lathika George used no garam masala. My Malayali friends used cinnamon bark and cloves to make a more fragrant Egg Roast. Purshotham used fennel, which nobody else did.

And they treated their eggs differently. Usually people put the whole hard-boiled eggs in. My friends halved the eggs so that they could soak in the flavours. Purshotham kept the eggs whole, but made deep gashes in the whites to let the masala permeate the inside. My friends poured the masalas over the eggs.

Purshotham cooked the hard-boiled eggs in the masala for a few minutes.

I’ve included Purshotham’s recipe because so far, it has been secret and available only to Leela chefs. And I’ve included the recipe from my Malabar friends because it is a home-style method. Lathika George’s recipe is in her book and therefore, in the public domain.

But whichever recipe you select, you should end up with a mound of onion-rich masala, delicious, dark and fragrant, combining the teekha flavours of the Malabar coast, the spicy aromas of the plantations of Kerala and the earthy simplicity of small roadside dhabas. The eggs, yellowed with spice stains, should be poking shyly through the masala, imploring you to eat them.

You should scoop it all up with a freshly-made appam or a parota and let the taste of Kerala fill your mouth.

It is God’s own dish.

Why is it called a roast when it is actually a dry-ish curry?

And where is it from? Is it a Christian dish or does it have Muslim origins?

MAY 20, 2012

ORIGIN DEBATE

Chef Ananda Solomon denies that the Egg Roast was a Syrian Christian dish

IN PERFECT ORDER

Dinesh Nair, MD of the Leela chain, insists that the rice for idlis at every Leela property is flown in from Bangalore to ensure the same level of perfection

WE MADE IT FIRST!

In her wonderful cookbook, full of Syrian Christian recipes,The Suriani Kitchen, Lathika George has claimed the Egg Roast for her community

indulge THE SMARTPHONE SHOOTOUT BEGINS

The last five months have thrown up some of the biggest models – now, it’s time for you to pick a winner The iPhone 4S, Samsung Galaxy S3, XOLO Intel

CAN’T DECIDE WHAT TO BUY?

L

et’s take a quick look at some critical features that stick out and can swing buying decisions either way.

Screen: The one thing that you interact with all day. The trend is towards big screens and while Rajiv the S3 has the biggest, it’s not only about size. PPI Makhni or Pixels Per Inch matter – and at one time, the iPhone 4S was miles ahead with 330PPI. The HE MOBILE phone is a unique beast. It Xperia S has pipped it now with a 342PPI screen. came suddenly and out of nowhere and Weight: In a world where screens are big and once out, was reviewed as mediocre phones are small and light, the XOLO is the technology and dismissed as a niche luxury device lightest and the Lumia the heaviest. Still it’s only with a market of a few thousand. Today, the mobile 30 grams that separate all the phones. phone is the only piece of technology that always Processors: HTC and Samsung ace it with quad seems to deliver above expectations. Billions in core hearts while Sony and Apple have dual cores. sales, an insatiable appetite to upgrade among Interestingly the XOLO with Intel inside is a customers and an inexhaustible demand for new serious contender here. phones is keeping this category hot and flaming.

Optics: The S3, the One X, the iPhone, the Lumia New phones are pouring in at the speed of light, and the XOLO all top out at 8 megapixels. The breakthrough features are a dime a dozen, lower Sony forges ahead with 12 megapixels. priced phones can swap punches with some of Powerhouse: The Samsung S3 packs a punch their big brothers and the technology inside the with a 2100mAh battery while the XOLO and the phone can make most laptops and desktop comiPhone bring in the bottom. puters look positively puny in comparison. Yet, Out of Pocket: The S3 is expected to be priced within this plethora of phones, each company has at around R36,000, the One X is around the same, a benchmark device. A device that sets a standard, while the Xperia S is available for R31,000. The a phone that defines who they are as a compaiPhone 4S starts at around R43,000, the Lumia ny. Usually benchmark phone releases are 900 is expected at R32,000 and the XOLO is priced few and far between. at around R22,000.

But not this time. The There you have it. The big guns of mobile phones. first five months in 2012 Now, cast a non-prejudiced eye across the chart, have thrown up some analyse the ‘stick out’ features as neutrally as of the biggest phones possible and consider things that truly matter in a in the history of mobiles. Thus, it’s phone. It’s time for you to declare the winner. You can choose only time to do a shootout. The super one. Tweet the name of the top dog phone and why to me and I’ll smartphone shootout of 2012. declare a winner here next week. Let the battle begin.

T

techilicious

20

AND THE SMARTPHONE CONTENDERS ARE...

CATEGORIES

SAMSUNG GALAXY S3

HTC ONE X

SONY XPERIA S

iPHONE 4S

NOKIA LUMIA 900

XOLO Intel

These critical features are the ones to consider and can be a major factor in swinging buying decisions either way.

The phone that set the cat amongst the pigeons.

The humanisation of technology, the device with built-in intelligence inside and the mobile phone that talks about features rather than hardware. But will the S3 humanisation gamble work?

This uber-designed phone sizzled at MWC in Spain. With a polycarbonate unibody, a sleek feel in the hand that defied its size, a powerhouse of a processor and a Beats Audio sound that makes your very bones thump. But did HTC do enough against what came right after?

It’s the footloose, fancy free and all-on-its-own Sony. And they’ve got a few axes to grind and a lot of points to prove.

They’ve had four big releases in a span of two months but the benchmark is still the Xperia S – but can Sony regain lost ground with this new blitz?

First off the block and easily the King of the Hill. Typical Apple: clean lines, a supreme screen, a talk-back assistant and all the goodness of Apple’s ‘just works’ iOS. But now that it’s been out for a while is the 4S showing its age against the younger lot?

Nokia’s showcase Windows phone, it started the trend of polycarbonate over metal and glass and is the one phone that makes sure that Windows is now a contender in the world of smartphones. But does the Lumia 900 have it to take on the Android and Apple?

When an Indian company stands tall with the iconic Intel – and releases a world first – it’s time to celebrate. With ‘Intel Inside’ blazing on the outside, the XOLO promised performance, speed and ability above all. Does it deliver?

SCREEN

4.8''

4.7''

PIXEL RESOLUTION

1280 X 720 (306PPI)

1280 X 720 (312PPI) 1280 x 720 (342PPI) 960 x 640 (330PPI)

480 x 800 (217PPI) 1024 x 600

WEIGHT

130g

133g

144g

140g

160g

127g

RAM

1GB

1GB

1GB

512MB

512MB

1GB

OS

Android 4.0

Android 4.0

Android 2.3

iOS 5

Windows 7.5

Android 2.3

PROCESSOR

1.4GHz quad-core

1.5GHz quad-core

1.5GHz dual-core

A5 dual-core

1.4GHz

1.6GHz

CAMERA

8MP

8MP

12MP

8MP

8MP

8MP

FRONT CAMERA

1.9MP

1.3MP

1.3MP

0.3MP

1MP

1.3MP

BATTERY

2100mAh

1800mAh

1750mAh

1432mAh

1830mAh

1460mAh

PRICE

R36,000

R36,000

R31,000

R43,000 onwards

R32,000

R22,000

4.3''

3.5''

4.3''

4.0''

Rajiv Makhni is managing editor, Technology, NDTV, and the anchor of Gadget Guru, Cell Guru and Newsnet 3. Follow Rajiv on Twitter at twitter.com/RajivMakhni

MAY 20, 2012

indulge

hindustantimes.com/brunch

It’s patently unfair to call Poliça an electro-pop outfit – this Minneapolis band is so much more than that

MIXED BAG

M

PHOTO: GRAHAM TOLBERT

Poliça has somehow managed to intersect soul and R&B with, yes I’m saying the word, electro-pop, and make the end product immensely appealing

the kind of funk and R&B that makes bass lines worth listening to. And, of course, there are the vocals by Channy Leaneagh. My views on AutoTune, the audio processing software that many musicians use to distort or change the pitch, key Sanjoy or tones of their vocals are approximately simiNarayan lar to my views on drum machines: I don’t like the concept of artificial tinkering of that sort.

Channy Leaneagh is a heavy adopter of AutoTune. Very heavy. In fact, I think, after listening to one full live show at SXSW 2012 and her band’s entire first album, Give You The Ghost, she uses Auto-Tune all the time.

And yet I love Poliça. I don’t know what Leaneagh does with the Auto-Tune but she delivers her vocals, harmonies, echo effects and delayed, tweaked notes, in a manner that makes the music worth listening to over and over again. Her voice is transfixing. Much of my long commute to work all of last week was accompanied by either the 30-minute set that Poliça did at SXSW this March this year THE VOICE or the 45-minute plus Give You The Ghost. Am I Channy Leaneagh delivers her vocals in a manner obsessed with this band? Yes, that would be a that makes the music worth listening to fairly accurate statement. Why? Because their Y LATEST obsession is with a brand music is so good. It is catchy, creative and full of new, one-album-old band that I must what makes for great listening – the bass line, the confess I could have missed totally two drummers, the vocals. Poliça produce a sound because of the genre that it has been classified in that is incredibly slick – even at their gigs – but by many smart-alecky critics. I’m not a huge fan more important, they seem to be a band that has of electro-pop and definitely not a lover of gratusomehow managed to intersect soul and R&B with, itous use of synthesisers and that other abomiyes I’m saying the word, electro-pop, and make nation, the drum machine, which belts out meticthe end product immensely appealing. ulous, artificially put together beats, with little or At the beginning of this column I may have been no human touch. I mean, how can you substitute the thwack of a bit harsh on the critics who’ve quickly pigeonholed Poliça as wooden sticks on skin or hand-wielded strikes on cymbals with an electro-pop band, for there are many more out there who’ve something that a machine vomits out with irritating precision? placed huge bets on them, billing them as a band that could So when I read the first reviews – mainly raves – about a fledgbecome really big in the not-too-distant future. I would tend to ling band from the Midwest (Minneapolis, to be precise) called agree with the breed that believes so. But I’d suggest you make Poliça, I wasn’t too sure I would like them. They were being called your own opinion about Poliça. For that, you have to go to their an electro-pop band after all, and among other things, had synwebsite, thisispolica.com, and watch the three videos – two offithesisers in their arsenal of instruments. I gave them a shot nevcial vids and one from a live gig. You could also heed the words ertheless based on some uncanny instinctive reasoning and caught of Justin Vernon (Bon Iver) who recently said that Poliça were a couple of their YouTube videos. the best band he’s ever heard (Disclaimer: Vernon played with How wrong I was! And how misleading this whole thing about the Minneapolis-based Gayngs collective of which Poliça are a classifying bands can be. It’s patently unfair to call Poliça an part) or read up 18 other reviewers who’ve ensured that the band electro-pop outfit. True, they do use synthesisers but they have gets a score of 75 on Metacritic. Or, like me, you could just listen two real, human drummers – one a hardcore thrasher of skins to their music and get transfixed by Channy Leaneagh’s voice, and the other veering more towards the satisfyingly warm thump Auto-Tune and all.

To give feedback, stream or download the music of hip-hop. In most of Poliça’s music, the drum beats are layered mentioned in this column, go to http://blogs.hindustantimes.com/ with big, big bass lines, again played by a human and steeped in download-central, follow argus48 on Twitter

download central

PHOTO: CAMERON WITTIG

GENRE BENDERS

MAY 20, 2012

21

indulge THE BIMBO ERUPTIONS

facebook.com/hindustantimesbrunch

When it comes to cricket commentary, it’s not a fine leg that matters

WHERE ARE THE GOOD WOMEN?

Isn’t there one woman who has enough cricketing knowledge to sit in the studio beside Harsha Bhogle (top) and Ajay Jadeja (above)

THANK GOD FOR HER!

I was quite pleasantly surprised to see Isa Guha speaking such absolute sense

I

F YOU ask me, it all started with Mandira Bedi. Yes, the same Mandira Bedi who materialised on our TV screens nearly a decade ago, resplendent in noodle-strap blouses and low-waisted saris to hold forth on fine legs, cover drives, hook shots and maiden overs. Bless her, she often didn’t get them quite right but who could tell? Everyone was so transfixed by that one bare shoulder (Was she wearing a blouse? Wasn’t she?) and glimpses of that washboard stomach that nobody cared if she got her silly point mixed up with her square leg.

And thus began the cult of the Indian woman sportscaster as bimbo. Don’t get me wrong. Many of the women who have since graced our television screens holding forth on everything from tennis to badminton, from football to cricket, have been pretty darn knowledgeable about the games they commentate about.

(Well, at least some of them are.) But for reasons that I find truly baffling, they all have to fit in with the Mandira paradigm.

That is to say that while their male colleagues can sit back and relax in their suits and ties (and matching turbans in the case of the irrepressible Navjot Singh Sidhu) the ladies have to squeeze into impossibly tight dresses that stop well short of their knees, leave at least one shoulder bare and expose just the right amount of cleavage to keep the punters interested.

Actually, the promos of IPL’s Extraaa Innings T20 just about say it all. It has all its presenters running into frame and then freezing as they get up to all sorts of ludicrous poses. But while the men hop, skip and jump in their well-tailored suits, or T-shirts and jeans teamed with sports jackets, the women run in slow motion in tiny black dresses and billowing skirts that pouf up tantalisingly so that you feel for one heart-stopping second that you may just glimpse their bare essentials.

It’s all very Marilyn Monroe, except that the girl in question is a brunette not a blonde and is wearing a red, not a white dress.

But these small details apart, it’s staggeringly clear what the game plan is here. The men are there to add gravitas, to talk intelligently about cricket, rib INANE STUFF

We are treated to a stream of inanities by anchors like Archana (right) and Shibani while the action continues tantalisingly out of range MAY 20, 2012

each other good-naturedly, tell long and tedious anecdotes about their own cricketing days and when things begin to get a little boring, spice things up by making nudge-nudge, wink-wink references to the scantily-clad girls in the middle who are supposed to chat up the cricketers in the breaks.

“Ah,” says one bearded fellow as the sixes and fours become a little scarce on the ground, “Let’s see what Archana/Shibani have for us in the field.”

Snigger, snigger.

In case you haven’t been watching, that’s Archana Vijaya, a model and veejay who has now graduated to hosting such cricket shows as the IPL, and Shibani Dandekar, who describes herself as a model and singer and has recently returned to India after growing up in Australia and working as a TV anchor in America.

Now I would have no problem with how scantily these girls are dressed – God knows, they are showing much less skin than the cheerleaders doing their stuff on the sidelines – if they had actual cricketing conversations when they are down on the field wielding a microphone in front of some hapless cricketer or the other. Instead, we are treated to a stream of inanities while the action continues tantalisingly out of range. So while Archana/Shibani is asking some bowling coach how he is feeling about the team’s chances, a ball goes whizzing past the boundary line, a close call for a run out is missed, and finally a wicket falls. And then, thankfully, the adults in the room upstairs take over and the little girls are told to make themselves scarce.

They can come back when all the action is over, the trophies have been distributed, the man of the match interviewed, and then they can do a little jig with Shah Rukh Khan as he teaches them how to achieve the right angle while attempting Bollywoodstyle pelvic thrusts.

Honestly! Is this really all that women are capable of contributing to a cricket game? Isn’t there one woman who has enough cricketing knowledge to sit in the studio beside Harsha Bhogle and Ajay Jadeja and hold forth authoritatively about the match?

Oh yes, actually there is. She’s called Isa Guha, and has played for the England women’s cricket team and is part of the ITV sports commentary team. So, I was quite pleasantly surprised to see her sitting next to Harsha one fine day, speaking such absolute sense that it made me wish that Sidhu would take a permanent leave of absence from the studio and leave the lovely Isa to regale us with her wisdom.

But guess what? Nobody seemed to be paying the blindest bit of attention to what she said.

The social media was all agog about her outfit, Twitter was abuzz with talk about her cleavage, and Facebook was busy rating her charms against Shibani and Archana. The poor girl could have been spouting Swahili for all it mattered.

I don’t know about you, but I blame Mandira Bedi.

spectator

Mandira Bedi materialised on our TV screens a decade ago, resplendent in noodlestrap blouses and lowwaisted saris

Seema Goswami

Photo: REUTERS

22

seema_ht@rediffmail.com. Follow Seema on Twitter at twitter.com/seemagoswami

24

twitter.com/HTBrunch

Writer. Comic. Podcaster. Pissed off.

“I Hate To Bust Your Bubble, Butt...”

Mallika Sherawat is a Hollywood hotshot (huh?). Freida Pinto is a scared newbie on the block (um, sure!). Gursimran Khamba conjures up a few good tips from Mallika to Freida Hi Freida, KNOW this will come as a surprise but I’ve been following your foray into Hollywood after that movie about filth-covered gangster children you starred in.

Now as much as people are hailing you as the next big Eastern beauty, honey, I think you have a long way to go before you call yourself a star. But because I’m so generous, I thought I’d share some tips that will lead you to the right path as long as you follow them to a T. Announce random projects every few months: Indians still suffer from a massive colonial hangover and are desperate for validation from the white man. That’s why you should learn from Anil and I and announce a BIG Hollywood release every three months or so, even if you’re only doing a five-second cameo in a directto-DVD film. No one in the media cares enough to check facts as long as they can splash their pages with headlines like “Indian cultural invasion takes over Hollywood” and “Steven Spielberg loves samosas with chai latte.” Afterwards when people discover that you had almost nothing to do in the movie, they will make fun of you and get you to trend on Twitter.

And let’s be honest – any publicity is good publicity! Also (and this might sound counter-intuitive), keep saying “Amitji is the best” every two weeks on your blog so some newspaper intern can make a 3,000-word story out of it.

Dump Dev: The whole idea of coming to Hollywood is so that you

I

can finally get some white a**. What’s the point of dating someone from your own race who looks like the dude who runs a photocopy shop outside your office? Seriously, dump Dev. Did you see him in The Last Airbender? One word for you sweetheart: liability.

Get some enhancement: Now I don’t know how to say this darling, but the thing is that Keira Knightley has already cornered the minuscule market share of men that get their jollies from looking at women who are less than wellendowed. You need some serious augmentation to be successful on that, er, front. Don’t just say that you’ll manage with a push-up bra when there isn’t really that much to push. I was the first Indian woman to be offered to pose nude on the cover of Playboy because of my assets. You, I’m afraid, might just be asked to pose as a coaster on the cover of a home décor magazine any minute now.

Call me, dear, and I’ll put you through to my surgeon!

Photo: APARNA JAYAKUMAR

I added LA to my handle as soon as I landed in Los Angeles and it got me an amazing role as Jalebi Bai

Release semi-naked pictures of yourself: After you get your augmentation, release semi-naked selfclicked pictures of yourself on to the Internet. Claim that your cellphone was hacked and that this was an invasion of privacy – because that will get you invited to late night talk shows and on Oprah’s new channel.

Besides, it will also give you a whole new legion of fans from across the world. Just look at what it did to Scarlett Johansson.

Work with Jackie Chan: I’m not sure if you read the paper but the Americans are incredibly afraid of the Chinese. In fact that’s the only reason I did The Myth.

Jackie and I got respected the most because the Americans know that if they piss off the Indians and Chinese, we just buy them over. This concept of diversity is something white people love.

Add the initials of the city you’re in to your Twitter handle: Look, you have to be like those middle class plebs on Facebook who decline an invitation and say “Sorry can’t make it in Paris, muah” only to tell people that they’re in Paris. Being in a foreign country adds credibility to your profile. I mean look at me. I added LA to my handle as soon as I landed in Los Angeles and it got me an amazing role as Jalebi Bai in Double Dhamaal.

Now I know these seem like a lot of tips to keep in that little head of yours but then, if you’re serious about your career... Let me know if you need anything ok? And seriously, dump Dev. Love, Mallika xoxo

“Sad that they won’t broadcast Dirty Picture. Will wake up at 5 am and watch naked babas do breathing exercises instead!”

MAY 20, 2012

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Writer, comic, podcaster and a general waste of space.

How Do I Keep My Relationship Strong?

Could this question be addressed to anyone better than Saif? Well, we didn’t get him, but we got the next best thing, Tanmay (!), to answer relationship queries on his behalf

Dear All, SAIF ALI Khan, or as my girlfriend Kareena calls me, Chote Nawaab, present to you my relationship advice column. Do write to me with all your doubts and queries about relationship issues and I’ll make sure I answer them. Coz I have some time right now...

Let’s check out this week’s queries:

Photo: APARNA JAYAKUMAR

I

Dear Saif, I’m in a relationship with a girl who is half my age. Everybody keeps making fun of me. Please give me some advice on how to keep my relationship strong.

Myself Vir Dear Vir, Since I was a child, my mother always told me one thing – a man growing old becomes a child again. It was only years later that I realised what my mother meant when she made that point. At first I was really confused – how did my mother predict the plot of Benjamin Button so long ago?

Then I understood its true meaning. I can say from personal experience that as a man gets older, his inner child craves to be cradled within the cockles of a youthful spirit. Ignore what others say. Indulge in juvenile activities with your partner to keep the relationship childlike and young.

Myself Saif

Dear Saif, I’m 18.

Dear Rajesh, Dude. WTH. Not cool.

Rajesh

Dear Saif, BRO I JUST GOT A NEW GUN. YOU WANNA LIKE GO TEST IT OUT SOMETIME. LET ME KNOW. Xxxxxxxxx Go away Salman!

ABBEY, AYE BHAI KE SAAATH AISA KAISA BAAT KAR RELA HAI TU? Zkfhioayd Go away Arbaaz. And Sohail, if you’re reading this – Lol, kidding. I know you can’t read.

Dear Saif, I really love my girlfriend, but I’m not ready for marriage. How do I convey this message to her?

Ashish Shakya Dear Ashish, What you can do in such situations is this: Keep promising to her that you will marry her, but never really address the issue up front. If she ever brings up the topic of marriage, compliment her and distract her.

You’re welcome.

Dear Saif, HIII SAIIIIIIF WHEN ARE YOU AND KAREEEEEEEEENA GETTING MARRRIEDDDD ????

MWAH MWAH MWAH Namaah Kumaar Dear Namaah, You have such beautiful eyes.

Yours sincerely.

Yo Saif, I can never be in one relationship for more than three or four days. I love having sex. With several women. At the same time. What do you think? Do I have a problem? Or do I have a problem?

Rohan Joshi Dear Rohan, No one can have just one. I suppose.

Yours sincerely, Saif.

Dear Saif, My girlfriend keeps complaining about how I work too much and how I never have enough time for her.

How do I make her understand that I’m just genuinely busy? Do tell me what I can do! I really want to know.

Gursimran Khamba Dear Khamba, Most of these issues stem from the fact that she feels like her work isn’t valuable enough. What you need to do is listen to her and compliment her on her work.

For example – I always keep myself updated with all of Kareena’s work.

For example her last movie before Agent Vinod was… uhh… that.. uhh… that one with.. that dude whose agent’s name is Aamir… and before that she did that 150 crore rupee movie where that robot dude gropes her… before that was… uhh… you get the point.

Sincerely, Saif Ali Khan

“Super happy for the Chandigarh girl who won Miss India. Will be easier for her to break into the Roadies industry” MAY 20, 2012

27

hindustantimes.com/brunch

You Celebrity Worshipper,You!

Evidence suggests that poor mental health is correlated with celebrity worship. So, fans, get a life of your own, says Papa CJ

Y

OU KNOW you’re taking a big risk when you ask people with intelligence to write about people without. The problem however, when you ask a comedian to write about celebrities (I’m referring to comedians who don’t pucker up to ‘celebs’ coz they want to hang out with them or feed off the bread crumbs that fall off their tables in the form of media exposure or TV/film opportunities), is that most comedians think of celebrities as numbnuts.

YOU GIVE ME FEVER

In fact, not only do we comedians have a problem with celebrities, we have a problem with the people who worship them as well. Evidence indicates that poor mental health is

COMIC ROCK

Finally for the ‘celebrities’ who are reading this, rest assured in the comforting realisation that you’re famous and your photograph will probably come on page 3 tomorrow to reassure you that your life still has meaning. And if that’s not enough, remember that while you celebrities are considered cool, it is not ‘cool’ to be a stand-up comedian. If I have a fantastic gig, someone might come up to me and say ‘Dude, you were a rockstar tonight’.

But I very much doubt anyone goes up to a rockstar after a great show and says ‘Dude, you were a comedian tonight’. That thought alone should make you smile – while looking at the mirror.

Photo: RAJ K RAJ

A hilarious, handsome, charming, well-built and modest liar (self written bio)

correlated with celebrity worship.

Psychologists like Lynn McCutcheon sought to prove that fans of celebrities display a general deficit in their creativity, crystallised intelligence, critical thinking, spatial ability, arithmetic skills and need for cognition (problem solving), which in their opinion makes fans inherently prone to worshipping celebrities.

My point really is this: Get a life of your own. Don’t succumb to the disease of obsessing with celebrities.

Most of them suffer from a serious disease themselves – a disease called ‘celebrity complex’. It is a disease that makes a person think that everyone that surrounds them is looking at them and that they’re better than everyone else. It is quite fatal and if left untreated could cause another more incurable disease, ‘being idiot’.

MAY 20, 2012

28

facebook.com/hindustantimesbrunch

Writer and serial trackpantswearer with the sexiest legs since deer

The Ra.Onegers Are Coming To Save You

Doing what Bollywood does best, we didn’t think twice about ripping off The Avengers to make up for the lack of locally awesome superheroes. Kunal writes the ‘original’ script

T

Photo: KALPAK PATHAK

HERE HAS never been a doubt about the fact that Bollywood needs superheroes. It needs someone who can bring them out of the rut of clichéd scripts, Korean song covers and a buffed up Khan. Indian superheroes currently do exist in the form of G.One (superpower: increased marketing skills) and Zokkomon (superpower: antipuberty). But neither of these have won the hearts of the Indian audience mainly because, well, the average male already has enough superpowers to survive the daily commute to work in a local train or metro.

The Indian audience needs a superhero with better powers than “brain works faster than a computer”. The Indian audience needs – and I say this with a heavy heart for using the most clichéd comedic tool out there – an Indian Avengers – The Ra.Onegers.

Since originality has never been a Bollywood necessity (come on, we even named our industry after an existing one, albeit colloquially), there’s no real need to have an original plotline for our version of the film.

BEST OF THE B-TOWN BUNCH

The assumption is that “Low-key”, played by Tussharr Kappoorr (have I got enough o’s, p’s r’s and s’s?) from an alternative planet (also the home of the infamous Jadoo who intro-

duced Hrithik to steroids), wishes to take over Planet Bollywood. The plan is simple – kill all junior artists so that he has roles for the rest of his life.

His elder brother, Kthor, which marks the debut of his real life brother, Ekta Kapoor, has been walking with a whip spending his entire life trying to find an adequate substitute for Smriti Irani. Ekta gives a crisp portrayal of the God of Thunder.

Creating noise was never a problem.

Nick Fury, played by Rajinikanth, brings together the Ra.Onegers under the umbrella of S.H.I.E.L.A., with his best agent, Black Widow, played by Katrina Kaif, whose only job is to look hot in a tight leather suit that puts even Viveik Oberoi’s Prince get-up to shame.

Being the psychology expert of the team, she has a way of extracting information from others by playing the damsel in distress while sucking on a mango. Her job gets easier in the summer months with alphonsos being sold at a discount.

The movie centres on Black Widow’s hidden affair with Hawkeye, a direct descendent of Lord Arjun, who mastered his skill while they ran round trees singing RD Burman numbers.

The affair was revealed by the straight-talking Mr India, played by Anil Kapoor, a genetically modified

ex-major-general brown bear made to appear human, who uses an impenetrable hand-held shield, also called Nokia E63. The love story forms the backbone of the plot as it is the only way to bring together 300 audience-members into a cinema in Ramnagar.

The Indian audience needs a superhero with better powers than “a brain faster than a computer”

AND THE COOKIE CRUMBLES..

The team comes together in unusual circumstances, when they lose their most pointless agent – Vinod. Heartfelt mourning for the future of the industry is the sound that brings together these seductive superheroes.

An untapped source of energy is what bring Low-key and the Ra.Onegers to an epic climactic war of words overseen by a Parliament Speaker requesting everyone to calm down.

Half way through the war, Lowkey’s army stages a walk-out, which gives the Ra-Onegers a chance to send Low-key back into the oblivion of the Income-tax department, from where nothing ever returns.

Such will be the ghastly remake of a legendary Marvel Comics team set to the cartooning brilliance of Chhota Bheem.

The Indian Avengers are not just any Hindi movie.

Even if it’s just Tridev and Trimurti put together, stories like this do bring us hope. They remind us that we should all keep our day jobs.

“The cool thing abt singing a Bjork song at karaoke is that no one will know if you sing out of tune” MAY 20, 2012

PERSONAL AGENDA

twitter.com/HTBrunch

Cricketer

Steve Waugh if i could...

I WOULD SPEND MORE TIME IN INDIA. IT’S LIKE MY SECOND HOME

SUN SIGN Gemini

BIRTHDAY June 2

HOMETOWN

Sydney, Australia

PLACE OF BIRTH

FIRST BREAK HIGH POINT OF YOUR LIFE

Canterbury, New South Wales, Australia

SCHOOL/COLLEGE

East Hills Boys High School, Sydney

Taking the wickets of Ravi Shastri and Syed Kirmani on my Test debut in 1985

I try to go through life in a consistent manner. There aren’t too many highs and lows in my life

LOW POINT OF YOUR LIFE

None

CURRENTLY DOING

Brand ambassador of PlayUp and the Athlete Liasion Officer of the 2012 Australian Olympic Team

WATCH MORE BOLLYWOOD MOVIES

MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT MY LIFE, I WOULD CAST HUGH JACKMAN AS MYSELF

SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY FAMILY

Photo: M ZHAZO

30

The Big Bash or IPL? The IPL, definitely. It’s more international.

The best Indian captain you have played against?

Sourav Ganguly. He is very tough mentally.

Describe Sachin Tendulkar in one word (not God).

Excellence.

The one place you’d never get a tattoo.

My body!

Which is the bigger high, winning the Ashes or winning the World Cup? Winning the World Cup, certainly!

Who’s your favourite Australian Hollywood star?

Russell Crowe, and not just because he’s a good friend of MAY 20, 2012

mine! blood or experience?

T20, ODI or Test cricket: Both. A healthy mix of YOUR your pick? both. You need both FAVOURITE Test cricket – wasn’t kinds of players to that predictable? have a strong, INDIAN DISH. The most overrated sport balanced team. in your opinion.

Your favourite lager.

Golf.

I love Kingfisher.

Your favourite Bollywood The most clichéd answer actress. you’ve ever given in an Er… tell me a few interview. names?

I never give clichéd Your favourite smartanswers! phone app?

The one lie you got away I guess it will have with. to be PlayUp since Refer to my last I’m endorsing it, won’t answer, please. it? I also like Living Your most irrational fear.

Earth HD, a stunning weather That I would be giving forecast app on my iPhone. interviews as long as I live!

— Interviewed by Pranav Dixit What works best in cricket: young

Chicken curry