Chew On This Magazine - April 2004

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CHEW ON THIS MAGAZINE Series 2 | Episode 4 | April 2004

PUBLISHER Local Market MANAGING EDITOR Lander Salzberg ASSOCIATE EDITOR Jonathan Martin GRAPHIC DESIGN Justin Vaughan ADVERTISING DIRECTOR Jonathan Martin DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Lander Salzberg COVER DESIGN Justin Vaughan WRITERS Susan Antonelli Amy Biegelsen Bryan Carter Christian Detres Daniel Robert Epstein Kevin Gallagher Robin C. Greene R. Anthony Harris Kirsten Lewis Alison Miller Christopher Manos Jason Olsen Kristy Salce Irwin Schapiro Muriel Schapiro Nate “Igor” Smith April Sparrow ILLUSTRATORS Jim Callahan R. Anthony Harris PHOTOGRAPHERS Kent Eanes R. Anthony Harris Jotun

CONTACT Local Market, LLC 2130 West Main Street Richmond, VA 23220 info@alocalmarket.com www.chewonthismag.com ADVERTISING For all local and national advertising inquiries contact Jonathan Martin: tel: 804.405.5001 eml: advertising@alocalmarket.com DISTRIBUTION If your business or establishment would like to carry Chew contact Lander Salzberg: tel: 804.467.6661 eml: distribution@alocalmarket.com SUBMISSIONS Chew On This welcomes submissions but cannot be held responsible for unsolicited material. Please send all submissions to submissions@alocalmarket.com.

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Chew On This Magazine is published monthly and is free of charge. All material within this magazine is © 2004. Chew On This Magazine is a registered trademark of Local Market, L.L.C. Thank you for reading Chew On This.

See the light....

CHEW ON THIS | CONTENTS CONTRIBUTORS

FASHION

FUN STUFF

4 Contributors

31 Concrete Jungle

ART

CBR5

51 Extrabad.com 52 Crossword

6 Frances Lewis 9 Zombie A Go Go 11 The Whitney Biennial

FILM 13 I’m All Highway 17 Grandpa Godard 19 More Awards Shows, Please

MUSIC 21 25 27 27 27

Good Gawd Double Standard Stone’s Stew Jazz Music Last Crash Mewithoutyou

39 Photos

OUR GRANDPARENTS 42 43 44 45 46

Susan Antonelli Kirsten Lewis Kristy Salce Alison Miller Muriel Schapiro Irwin Schapiro 47 Christian Detres Robin C. Greene 48 Bryan Carter

LISTINGS 53 Show Listings 55 Brunch Late Night Karaoke Weekly Stuff Classifieds 56 The List

GOSSIP 57 A Lil’ Birdie Told Me...

Contributors Susan Antonelli Susan works as a freelancer on film crews and makes a mean grilled cheese.Amy BiegelsenSusan works as a freelancer on film crews and makes a mean grilled cheese. Bryan Carter Bryan Carter is a Richmond native. He lives in the fan, and is a poet & writer who attendes VCU, studying the less and less relevant field (thanks to the 1995 Telecommunications Act) of Mass Communications. He is also a staff writer for ego.com. Christian Detres Christian writes and illustrates for Chew On This as part of a court-ordered Anger Management program. His hobbies include stalking, voyeurism, and shouting. Don’t feed him sugar and if he asks you if you want to see his “Volcano” impression - run. Daniel Robert Epstein Daniel lives on the Upper West Side of Manhattan in New York City. He has interviewed such luminaries as Ridley Scott, David Cronenberg, John Sayles, Edie Falco, David Fincher, and Jodie Foster. In the wake of September 11th, Daniel lost his fulltime job and is now trying to make it on his own in the world of freelance writing.

Kevin Gallagher Mr. Gallagher is a(n) (NOUN) who enjoys touching (NOUN) while (VERB). He was (VERB) with a(n) (ADJECTIVE), (NOUN) when he was (NUMBER) years old. Kevin held back his (NOUN) when he found his (ADJECTIVE), (NOUN) lying (ADJECTIVE) because his (ADJECTIVE) of a (NOUN) (VERB)ed his (NOUN). He likes to describe things using (ADJECTIVE)s. Robin C. Greene Daughter of a military officer. Born in Detroit, Michigan, raised in Japan, Italy, Virginia & Hawaii. Currently working as General Manager in husband’s company. Mother of four (3 boys & a girl), stepmother of three, and step-grandmother of six. Dulah to fifteen and counting. What keeps me going? Family.

Igor Nate “Igor” Smith has been running a major E/N web site for the last 3 years called drivenbyboredom.com.

He also is currently managing the rock and roll sensations The Gaskets and is a damn fine photographer. You can check out his work at www.photosbyigor.com. Ya heard?

Christopher Manos Chris has always dreamed of being in a rock band or raising goats and making cheese from their lactic bounty.

Alison Miller Alison is Chew’s resident expert with all things sexual.

In addition to writing the great American novel and running Taboo, she’s also a card-carrying member of Suicide Girls. Her stats are 36-24-36.

Jason Olsen Jason Olsen has been a Richmond resident (and critic) for the past ten years. Having spent the pre-requisite amount of time at VCU, in the restaurant business, and in several garage bands, he now feels he can safely spread his wings and fly in the fine art of music journalism. He enjoys long walks in the sun, banging on pots and pans, and gnawing on aluminum foil. Kristy Salce Kristy use to work for the 9:30 Club in DC, but now works in corporate hell. She likes beagles, cheese fries, The Kids In The Hall, and Jordan Knight. She also hates boys.

Irwin Schapiro Irwin Schapiro, a CPA by profession, is a retired business man, who has served in many capacities in the the Jewish and the general community. He enjoys reminiscing about things as they used to be many decades ago. Muriel Schapiro Grandmother (Muriel Schapiro) who was a former librarian and now tutors English to immigrants. Her favorite hobbies are bridge and using her Mac. laptop. April Sparrow April is a professional stylist, which means in between talking about Sellers and cheerleading she cuts hair using a razorblade. It only seems fitting that she manages Chew’s entire gossip division.

| ART

A Conversation with Frances Lewis CHRISTIAN DETRES

Christian Detres: Your love of modern art, was that cultivated after you and Sydney had Best Products to help your quest for acquiring pieces you liked – or was it something that was always with you? Were you an art student yourself? Did you grow up with art as a passion? Frances Lewis: No, not at all. We started collecting art in the late 60’s, I think. Sydney and I spent ten days in Chicago at a house wares show. While we were there we started walking around the city – looking into galleries, looking at art. And that’s sort of how it started. CD: One of the things I found most interesting while reading about you, is that you purchased a lot of your pieces by trading items from Best Products – dishwashers, washing machines, etc. FL: Yes we did some of that, right...for products that we owned or acquired. CD: Ha, I found that sort of cool. I have this vision of these starving artists with lofts full of top-of-the-line appliances, like the best refrigerator ever with a lone bottle of ketchup in it. FL: Hahahah, that’s exactly right. It worked out very, very well – and we furnished many a loft. CD: That’s really cool. I was really interested in – it doesn’t seem you’ve stuck with any particular period. Your acquisitions have always been representative of the moment – when you get it, it’s new. Do you have a certain era that you’re more in tune with? FL: I don’t think so, we’d collected for a long time but we went about it by finding new artists – if we liked his work we’d go forward. We were very interested in what was new; what was of the time. Modern art was definitely exploding in the late sixties and early 70’s and I pretty much stopped collecting in the 80’s. I’ve acquired a few pieces since then but I’m not really all that “up” on what’s current. There’s just so much out there right now.

When we were collecting it seems there was about a handful of galleries – we could visit them all in New York.

Now, there are jillions of them all over the place. So I don’t know, the stuff may have been better then, but I don’t know – I’m out of it, haha. CD: I’ve got to ask this, I’m a HUGE Warhol fan. You are the subject of a very famous Andy Warhol painting.

When he painted this he was already ANDY WARHOL, in blazing iconic capital letters. How does it feel to go to the museum and see Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, and you – sixteen of you? [Mis-Information - Accipere quam facere praestat injuriam]

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FL: Hahaha, that’s a lot of me, yes! It feels fine. We made friends with him. The first portrait was from the sixties and the others of Sydney and me were from the early seventies. He was terrific. He was of course a very interesting person. We would meet him at the photo booth. He would tell Sydney to bring a bunch of quarters and I would sit in there and take picture after picture while Sydney and Andy talked. It was really quite fun. He was really quite a character. In those days he dressed most peculiarly. I remember after we took the pictures he suggested we go to Lindy’s for lunch.

his appeal. Never really cared much for his work. I guess it works out that way sometimes. Art is quintessentially subjective of course.

CD: I love Lindy’s! Though I’m more of a Junior’s cheesecake man myself.

FL: I’m sure we’ve gotten ourselves into a lot of trouble that way too!

FL: Oh I know Junior’s! Junior’s is great. Were you from Brooklyn?

CD: What do feel your place in the art world is? I’ve heard so much about your immense modesty but I’d love to know how you’d like to be remembered. I could imagine for many artists, having a piece of their work hanging in your home or simply purchased by you would be such an honor.

CD: Yeah, I grew up in Boro Park, my parents loved taking me and my brother and sister there for cheesecake. FL: I like Junior’s too. We used to go there before we went to the Brooklyn Academy of Art. Brooklyn’s full of galleries now. CD: Yeah, it is. I was thinking, even though you’re not into acquiring a lot of new pieces you MUST get invited to a ton of art events and openings. Have you been to any of the happenings in the new New York “meccas” like Williamsburg and East New York? FL: No, actually I haven’t, but the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts had a great exhibition of Robert Lazzarini’s work, who’s from Brooklyn. A lot of distorted objects… CD: Oh yeah, I saw that! It gave me a headache to look at them. Mind-bending I think is the word. FL: Hahaha, yeah. CD: It’s a lot cooler to be from Brooklyn these days. Over the years you’ve seen a lot of artists gain popularity and some fade into obscurity. Have there been any you didn’t expect to get big or others you thought should have gotten more recognition than they have gotten? FL: Yeah, there are a few. I have a few collections of artists that I thought were just as good as any that never made into the big time. There’s one in particular that got huge whose name I can’t quite remember. I have some of his pieces, but I never could quite understand

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CD: Do you try and help artists out? Is it something you’re conscious of or is it something you just do? FL: I don’t think about it. I just do. CD: Hahah, I do that sometimes. I don’t think. I just do – get myself into a lot of trouble that way…

FL: Well, we have a great, close-knit family. I’d like to be remembered for that. We’ve made a lot of charitable donations. I guess I’d like to be remembered for that too. CD: I’m sure you always will be. Your names are all over some very important buildings! FL: I hope people will enjoy the paintings and they’re not put in some basement somewhere. You know, what we bought was cutting edge art. You never know what future generations are going to think of it. You know I wish someone could come by my grave every hundred years or so and tell me what’s in and what’s out! CD: That drive to stay current with what’s going on – not to know what’s going on for the sake of being knowledgeable – but the desire to be exposed to new artistic themes and trends. Is that a big thing for you? FL: It is definitely. I still go around to galleries to see what’s up. Most of what’s going on is so beyond me – maybe aside from me, but that’s to be expected. I would love to know what comes out of that. There just seems to be so MUCH of it now, you can’t see it all.  CD: I just want to say that I’m incredibly honored to be sitting here with you right now. Thank you so much for your time and generosity. pg.5 Andy Warhol - pg.8 Ben Schonzeit / Jack Beal

[Mis-Information - Brevior saltare cum deformibus mulieribus est vita]

| ART

Zombie A Go Go F An Interview with Jim Callahan R. ANTHONY HARRIS

| JIM CALLAHAN

Jim Callahan has been carving a niche for himself in the Richmond scene for some time now. While working with daybyday, his drawings defined an aspect of our underground lifestyle. With depictions of self-torment and teenage-angst shown boiling over, his work is always refreshingly honest.

Anthony Harris: Why do you think daybyday has related to so many people here in the city? What are they all about?

art in my “art.” It makes me laugh. If I do a drawing and I get done and laugh out loud, even after I’ve been staring at it for hours...success. As for an era for the art of others, I love it all, even that nostalgic imperialist garbage everybody wants to cram up our asses.

I

Jim Callahan: It’s hard to say exactly what about daybyday people get into. I think a lot of it is that they’re involved with things that people enjoy and it’s on a local level. Most of the big business alternatives don’t really involve any participation other than paying for somebody’s penthouse lease and their shih tzu’s gourmet horse dong. Whatever though, you know, I think sticking around makes a big difference too, because let’s face it, there is a market ready for this stuff, but man, having fun for a living takes a lot of work, and some people aren’t ready for all the dishes your gonna have to wash to make it happen.

AH: Is there is an alter-ego in all your work? If there is, you’ve got some issues and you need help.

JC: I’m not sure if you’re making reference to the dog peeing in its own mouth or the dead cheerleaders, but....uh, I don’t think anyone who “does art” can avoid exposing some part of their personal experiences.

AH: You started a skateboard company here in Richmond. What brought you to this?

JC: Well, basically. The artwork that first showed me that you really can draw/design whatever you feel like was skate company graphics. The images are 100% arbitrary, no one really cares what they are, but everyone really looks at them. So I was like, “I want in,” but every company I went to was like, “no shirt, no shoes, no dice.” So I decided to make my own. Now I get to give back to skating after taking so much, plus I get to sponsor all my friends. Besides, skateboarding is a good thing, despite all the anti-conformist bull crap everybody is always selling us in doritos commercials and shopping mall parking lots. It’s a fun, creative sport and I want to help it thrive anyway I can.

Nowhere Skateboards is the name, I suppose I should mention that.

AH: Where do you go from here?

AH: Ok, is there any period of art you look at for ideas or style? What artists do you like?

JC: Norman Breyfogle and Jim Aparo were the artists of Batman and Detective Comics in the early and mid 80’s (Aparo drew the death of Robin). They are so-so artists, but I used to copy, panel for panel, every issue into these lined composition books during class.

I loved it. My older brother Joe drew comics with me a lot when we were kids too, it ruled. Artists that keep me drawing now are Johnny Ryan and Daniel Clowes.

Hey Fantagraphics, give me a job! I like to make fun of the putrid 80’s airbrush, pastel, wack-ass, pop culture

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JC: Right off a cliff on a flaming motorcycle with snakes up my ass.

AH: Thanks for taking the time to do this.

Jim has an upcoming interview in the next Beautiful Decay magazine. His current projects include: nowhereskateboards.com, Strange Detective Comics, Teenagers From Marz (daybyday video), and a complete design of the TKO records 2004 compilation: Punch Drunk 5

[Mis-Information - Cave quid dicis, quando, et cui]

| ART

The Whitney Biennial AMY BIEGELSEN

The Whitney Biennial, a once every two years show highlighting what the curatorial staff considers to be the most worthwhile in American art. Accordingly, the Biennial has acquired a reputation for being a bit of a debutante party; an event people love to hate as an orgy of pretension and self-importance. But forget the critics and academics, in many ways you’re only as good as your opening party. At the reception the other night I was standing in front of the bar, when Miss Julie Atlas Muse, some sort of performance artist, entered nude descending the staircase into the lower level of the Whitney’s well-lit belly. I don’t think I even watched her get all the way down the staircase, distracted as I was by the crowd and my wine, which, now that I think about it, was kind of cheap. Not that I am ungrateful. The wine was fine and I drank a ton of it, and so did everybody else there.

In fact it was the most publicly drunk I’d seen people in a while.

The Whitney did not throw a party where the food or DJ or what everybody else was, or wasn’t, wearing outshone the art. They got together some hot artists

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and put their work in one gorgeous building and fucking partied about it. Julie Atlas Muse was there to see the art, not to be the art. There was an eerie outer space Jim O’Rourke soundscape being pumped into the bathroom and a Japanese rock garden 20 times its normal size. There was an installation where visitors were invited one at a time to put on slippers and duck through white bathmat curtains and stand alone ankle deep in cornstarch.  As M. Doughty would say, candyland was melted down to syrup, that is, the art was fun and a little familiar yet still not quite like anything you’ve ever seen before. The Whitney Opening had all the energy of the playground at recess, but despite what its detractors might say, there wasn’t actually a bounce house and cotton candy, everyone was just that jazzed.  Merce Cunningham once said, and I believe it can be extended to most art, that talking about dance is like nailing jell-o to the wall. All the precocious adults at the Whitney know that, and at least that night didn’t feel too bad about it either.

[Mis-Information - Diabolus fecit, ut id facerem!]

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| FILM

I’m All Highway An Interview with Jay Chandrasekhar DANIEL ROBERT EPSTEIN

DANIELROBERTEPSTEIN@HOTMAIL.COM

I saw Club Dread the other night and it’s damn hysterical. In the theatre there was a group of people who for the first five minutes just grumpily kept saying “This is stupid.”

But then the jokes and the killing came on full force and then they were saying “This is stupid” and laughing their asses off. Broken Lizard is the comedy troupe behind both Club Dread and Super Troopers. I think the line between stupid and funny goes back and forth and that’s the point behind their films. They do their best to emulate early 80’s comedies such as Caddyshack, Stripes, and all the films that came out of Saturday Night Live, the good ones anyway.

Broken Lizard started out at Colgate University when Jay Chandrasekhar got four people, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Paul Soter and Erik Stolhanske together to be part of this new troupe. From there they performed written sketches at many different colleges and venues in New York City until they broke through with their first feature film Puddle Cruiser. Since then they’ve written all their movies together and they solve all of their problems democratically. In fact, they get along so well that Club Dread is credited to Broken Lizard as a collective. They’ve often been compared to Monty Python but being they aren’t and never will be British middle-aged intellectuals that isn’t a fair comparison. But instead they are their own niche and I hope to god they keep filling it with funny movies for years to come.

Super Troopers is a very funny movie but isn’t that strong on plot. With Club Dread they’ve done a lot to fix that by combining humor with the horror of 80’s horror films like Sleepaway Camp and The Prowler. Coconut Pete’s Resort is an island paradise where the drinks flow free and so do the women. But now a killer is stalking all the staff members on the island and the Jimmy Buffett-like Coconut Pete commands them to cover it up so the guests will still have a good time.

I got a chance to talk with their in-group director, Jay Chandrasekhar, who plays the dreadlocked British tennis instructor Putman.

[Mis-Information - Exegi monumentum aere perennius]

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| FILM

Daniel Robert Epstein: I heard that Broken Lizard has wanted to do a horror movie for a while.

Jay Chandrasekhar: We’re all horror movie fans. The guy in particular who is the biggest fan is Paul Soter. We always thought a horror movie would be a fun thing to do.

We didn’t want to do a spoof or be self-referential like Scary Movie or Scream. I think Scream is awesome but I haven’t seen Scary Movie.

DRE: The first Scary Movie is pretty funny.

JC: We’re trying to make late 70’s early 80’s comedies. Super Troopers was very influenced by Smokey and the Bandit [released in 1977]. Club Dread is super influenced by Halloween and Friday the 13th. We were hoping to make a movie that if you took out all the jokes it could still slide by plot-wise with real horror movies. So the key was to play it as real as possible and keep the horror as close to real as possible.

Though there are certain bits like when the killer catches up to the golf cart which you would never find in that kind of horror movie.

DRE: Like the end of Super Troopers, there is chaos at the end of Club Dread. While it was stronger than the ending of Super Troopers did you find it’s tough to wrap up the kind of movies you do? Does the plot catch up with you?

JC: The key with us is that when we make films we have to make sure the stories make sense. Occasionally comedies just go, “oh we don’t care it’s just a comedy.” But the movies that really survive the test of time are films like Animal House, Fletch, Blues Brothers and Trading Places which all have strong stories.

DRE: A good example of a wild ending is in Caddyshack. No one was expecting the entire golf course to blow up.

JC: Right, when we used to perform on stage we would do shows which were an hour and fifteen minutes long with 10 stage sketches and four or five short videos. We always found that we had an easy time starting a sketch, an easy time in the middle throwing jokes and always had a hard time ending the sketch. It was hard to wrap up the end.

So we learned then that you really have to focus on endings and try to throw in as much excitement, action and comedy as you can. People are going to leave the theatre thinking most about the last five minutes. The flip side of it is that you have to open the movie strong as well. The goal is to open big and end big. You can have lulls in the middle but you just can’t lose the audience. Frankly I think we have lulls.

DRE: Marijuana has been demonized by Hollywood. If someone smokes pot in a movie they usually end being bad in some way. Pot has been prominent in both Super Troopers and Club Dread. How important is it to you to get pot references in the movies?

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[Mis-Information - Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt]

JC: Everyone knows that pot is about as harmful as alcohol. We’re in this prohibition thing with grass in this country that we were in the 30’s with booze. I think all the cops and politicians know it too. I don’t think parents want their kids smoking grass and I don’t think they should as well. But at 18, shouldn’t we be able to smoke grass? For us, grass is not the demon weed. There are a lot of jokes there because in some ways it’s funnier because it’s prohibited.

DRE: How much improvisation goes on while you are shooting?

JC: Not while we are shooting but while we are writing. We never have the luxury of time to improv while shooting because there is so much money on the line. It’s not an easy time to create funny stuff while you are there. If the actors have ideas or think that their lines aren’t working they are expected to think about it the night before and talk about it in the rehearsal. We would like to get a big enough budget so we can do more of that, just shoot the script and spend an hour or two improvising. I think the greatest comedy movie ever made is This is Spinal Tap. It feels like it was created in the moment. I think that feeling is what all filmmakers in comedy should be going for.

DRE: There is some great camerawork in the beginning like when the camera spins around mimicking the head that’s cut off.

JC: Yeah, that was Soter’s idea. We did it with a gyro lens. It spins the image inside the camera while you drop the camera. We tried a couple of different things but we were worried about dropping the camera. It took us 14 takes to get it right and literally the guy in charge of it had the airplane running to take it back to the rental place.

DRE: What’s the future for Broken Lizard?

JC: I think we’re going to do a college stage show tour. Probably get a bus and just do a stage show with some short films.

DRE: Are you worried about The Passion of the Christ stealing your audience?

JC: Christ, I don’t know.

[Mis-Information - Gloria in excelsis deo]

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| FILM

Grandpa Godard KEVIN GALLAGHER

The first time I watched Jean-Luc Godard’s “Week End” I felt paralyzed. How could I make a film after that? Every idea, clever aside, every shot or bit of dialogue I could have ever wanted to put in a film was shredded in front of me. Anarchy, apocalypse, irony, casual surrealism, it’s all there; where could I go? Of course I continue making films, but I realize that it is all a lie; Godard is still over my shoulder casually examining a piece of celluloid through the light while wearing sunglasses, as in that one photograph that seems to be the only one ever taken of him. The cocky bastard is wearing sunglasses, a cigarette lays offhandedly on his lips. He doesn’t care what he has done to me.

A reprieve was gained a few months later when I read a review of “Week End” by Pauline Kael in a 1968 issue of “The New Yorker.” After giving her review of the film she spoke about Godard’s effect on the next generations of filmmakers. She noted how Godard was a filmmaker that traps you rather then sets you free to explore your ideas. I was relieved to know that I wasn’t the only one who felt that he inspires but still manages to hold you at bay. He is a lovely curse and I understand that I’m going to have to operate outside his parameters to reach any possible catharsis, but it is fucking hard to have it forced fed down your throat, no matter how unoriginal and unclever you really are.

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Claire Denis seems to have been afflicted with the same curse of the Godard. There is some solace in the knowledge that another filmmaker has wrestled with the same problem. The fact that she found a solution is even more comforting. What better way to beat your demon then to assimilate it into yourself. Rather than fight Godard’s films she decided to finish them for him. If you can’t beat them, don’t just join them, make damn sure you take it farther than they were willing to go. She took the character of Bruno Forestier in Godard’s 1963 film “Le Petit Soldat,” and continued his tale 36 years later in Beau Travail. Picking up where Godard left off as far as technique is difficult, but she found a loophole in stealing his plots. This is great for Claire Denis, but as for me, I am in an even more difficult spot. Now I have to not only try to one up Godard, I additionally must find a way to surpass Denis as well. No wonder everyone hates the French; they’re better than us. At least Godard is esoteric enough for me to be able to recycle his ideas and not call too much attention. Right?

Dammit...Godard is not the end of me.

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, Slouches toward the cinematheque to be born?

[Mis-Information - Hoc est vivere bis vita posse priore frvi]

1708 Gallery – 319 W. Broad, 643-1708

Lora Robbins Gallery – University of Richmond, 289-8276

Agecroft Hall & Gardens – 4305 Sulgrave Rd, 353-4241

Main St Gallery – 1537 W. Main, 359-3499

Artemis Gallery – 1601 W. Main, 353-2676

Marsh Art Gallery – University of Richmond, 289-8279

Artists Downtown Access – 228 W. Broad, 644-0100

Maymont – 1700 Hampton St, 358-7166

Artspace – 6 E. Broad, 782-8672

Museum of the Confederacy – 201 E. Clay St, 648-1861

Astra Gallery – 3141 W. Cary, 257-5467

Orange Door Gallery– 12 W. Broad, 648-7771

Black History Museum – 00 Clay St, 780-9093

Richmond History Center – 1015 E. Clay, 649-0711

Brazier Gallery – 3401 W. Cary, 359-2787

Richmond Public Library – 101 E. Franklin, 646-4740

Chasen Gallery – 3554 W. Cary, 204-1048

Science Museum of Virginia – 2500 W. Broad, 864-1400

Children’s Museum of Richmond – 2626 W. Broad, 470-7010

The University of Richmond Museum – University of Richmond, 289-8276

Corporate & Museum Frame – 301 W. Broad, 643-6858

Upcast Gallery – 321 Brook Rd, 225-7171

Cudahy’s – 1314 E. Cary, 782-1776

Uptown Gallery – 1305 W. Main, 353-8343 www.upcastgallery.com

Dementi Studios – 3851 Springfield Rd, 648-9003 For Art’s Sake Gallery – 3451 W. Cary, 353-8101 Hand Workshop Art Center – 1812 W. Main, 353-094 Ink Tattoo & Art – 1825A W. Main, 359-4755 John Muir Gallery–6 N. Sixth St. Suite 102, 594-0855 Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens – 1800 Lakeside Ave, 262-9887

Virginia Aviation Museum – International Airport, 236-3622 Virginia Holocaust Museum – 2000 E. Cary St, 257-5400 Virginia Historical Society – 428 N. Boulevard, 358-4901 Virginia Museum – 2800 Grove Ave, 340-1400 Virginia Science Museum – 2500 W. Broad, 864-1400 Visual Art Studio – 208 W. Broad, 644-1368

Library of Virginia – 800 E. Broad, 692-3592

Byrd Theatre – 2908 W. Cary St, 353-9911 Carmike 10 – 1100 Alverser Dr, 897-0888 Commonwealth 20 – 5001 Commonwealth, 744-2600 Crossings Cinema – 5246 Oaklawn Blvd, 458-0555 Ethyl IMAX Dome & Planetarium – 2500 W. Broad St, 864-1400 Regal Chester Cinemas – 13025 Jefferson Davis Highway, 796-5911 Regal Short Pump 14 – 11650 W. Broad St, 360-0947

Regal Southpark Cinema 6 – 374 Southpark Mall, 526-8100 Regal Virginia Center 20 – 10091 Jeb Stuart Pkwy, 261-5411 Regal Westhampton Theatre – 5706 Grove Ave, 288-9007 UA Chesterfield Town Center – 11500 Midlothian Tnpk, 379-7800 UA West Tower – 8998 W. Broad St, 270-7111 FANDANGO – 1-800-326-3264 www.fandango.com

1211 W. Main St. Richmond, VA 23220

New evening menu!

Open Mic Nite! Thurs. 8-11 M-TH: 7:30am to 7pm Fri: 7:30am to 3pm

804-355-BREW (2739)

| FILM

More Award Shows, Please CHRISTOPHER MANOS

Like most Americans, I need the Oscars. We must have self-congratulatory actors who spend $50,000 on a pair of shoes and eat once a month to tell me how to look at geopolitical issues because they read the insert to one of Chomsky’s books. What would happen without Tim Robbins to let me know that if my father beats me, it’s not really my fault? It is vital to know that being gorgeous matters in life and that when it counts most, one should thank their producer before the people that taught them to read.

The primary reason actors care about the Oscars is that a win legitimizes their life. Without critical acclaim, most actors are just rehab-prone, gluttonous mesomorphs who make entertainment that is slightly more substantial than pornography. Obviously, the title of Academy Award winner makes your servants feel better about cleaning up after you for $7/hr. And the public now understands why you got $10 million for the voiceover in Shrek. Just don’t give me a teary-eyed and mildly epileptic speech because someone thought you were fabulous. I already know how tough your life has been. Heaven forbid you had to wait tables or live in a dirty apartment.

At our Oscars ceremony you look great (and yes, dear starlets, you only met everyone that gave you a part in the first place because they wanted to sleep with you); where people forget Return of the Giant Cockroach or any one of your first twenty movies and marvel at your talent. We just had the Golden Globes, but we need four hours of Academy Awards to remember how hard it is to cry on cue. I don’t want to argue that there is absolutely no talent in acting neurotic, depressed, or angry, just that people fascinated by movie stars don’t leave the basement enough to meet people with any personality. And to please that thirsty audience, we’ll certainly need more shows, and very soon.

Maybe a good idea for next week’s award show would be: The, I Moved to L.A. to be an Actor, Didn’t Make It, and Didn’t Wind Up a Total Loser, Awards Show. I think we could follow that one with: I’ve Gone To Work Everyday for the Past 25 Years and Deserve a Lifetime Achievement Award, Award Show. Or maybe the: As Much As Hollywood Thinks I Do, I Don’t Care About Them Because I’m To Busy Raising Three Kids, Award Show. Recognize some of those people and I’ll cry right along with you.

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B E LT S & B U C K L E S

T O N S O F J E W E L RY

M I L A N O PA Z Z O S H O E S

L O C A L A R T & FA S H I O N

ROCK TEES

BARWARE

V I N TA G E A N D M O D E R N

CLOTHING, FURNITURE & HOUSEWARES

| MUSIC

Good Gawd!

An Interview with Randy Blythe JASON OLSEN | JOTUN

JOTUN@METALJUDMENT.COM

It’s been a fast and successful year for Lamb of God. Aside from having their 2003 full-length, As The Palaces Burn, named “Album of the Year” and being listed as one of the “Top 25 Live Bands of All Time” by Revolver magazine, they were also able to co-headline the 36-date Headbanger’s Ball Tour and release a DVD featuring live footage and videos, entitled Terror and Hubris. Incidentally, they just inked a contract with Epic Records, officially putting the band in the full-time occupation of metal-making.

Despite the quickening ascent of the band, I manage to snag an interview with lead singer, Randy Blythe, at his favorite Richmond watering hole, Commercial Taphouse.

Jason Olsen: Y’all just got back from L.A. doing a video with Dan Rush, who did “Ruin.” Is that a medium you’re into? Randy Blythe: No. I hate it. It’s just part of the business. With MTV2 and Headbanger’s Ball, a lot of the smaller bands get recognition, and it just seems to be easier and cheaper nowadays with the digital medium. JO: This guy Dan Rush has done a decent job so far… RB: He’s cool to work with because he’s a real smartass, and we haven’t broken him yet. JO: The band just got signed to Epic, a major label, and that’s got to be a huge transition. RB: We built a good following on Prosthetic. We never thought we’d be signed by anyone, so we investigated very carefully. It’s kind of strange, because we’re probably the harshest band that‘s ever been signed to a major label. JO: Slayer? RB: Slayer got on a major label because of a merger.

We went on tour with Slayer, and I have to say,… JO: ‘Nuff said. RB: Exactly. We built a good following on Prosthetic, but we never pursued any of it really…except beer.

Being on a major label is cool. It started with Hatebreed, they got signed to Universal, and the doors just opened. JO: But this is it…full-time mayhem? RB: Yeah. This is it…for now. JO: I have to tell you, I only saw footage of it, but this Wall of Death thing…it was like the first time I watched Amityville Horror. RB: It’s an old school, New York Hardcore thing…

Murphy’s Law, Agnostic Front. We were on tour with Chimarea, and we discussed it, but I just did it. JO: It was the scariest horror movie I’ve seen this year. You’re like Moses parting the Red Sea and shutting it as fast as you can.

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RB: Somebody’s gonna get real fucked up. I don’t wanna be responsible for some kid getting paralyzed. JO: I was covering up my eyes when you did that. RB: I broke a kid’s nose! JO: That was the highlight of his summer! RB: Fucker wanted me to sign his face. [Laughs] JO: So signing with Epic is just an unexpected thing? RB: We’d still be playing at a party, at your house… JO: Oh God… RB: …if we weren’t signed. There was a bad time for this type of music, and we said, “Fuck it.” We don’t do it for accolades or shiny pictures on the wall. JO: Which brings me to the point…at the same time the music is designed to break your neck, it seems like the lyrics are aimed at waking you up… RB: It doesn’t take a fortune teller to see Bush is a reprehensible monkey. There’s going to be some political songs on the next record, but we can’t do the same thing over and over. JO: My favorite tune is “Bootscraper”. RB: That’s about being working class. This asshole I worked for, restaurateur, checks just kept bouncing.

And now it’s Christmas Eve, check bounces, no presents for my girl, no rent, no fuckin’ present for my girl… JO: You snap. RB: Baseball bat, hop in my buddies’ truck. It’s on. I want this guy. But…it happens for a reason. Horrific as it is, the rich keep getting richer for a reason. JO: When does Lamb Of God leave Richmond for a soundstage in L.A.? RB: Never. This is our home and we like it here.

Fuck L.A. As The Palaces Burn is in stores now and you can look for the new Lamb Of God video on MTV2 soon.

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| MUSIC

Double Standard

An Interview with Barnacles & Mordecai R. ANTHONY HARRIS

Anthony Harris: Wassup fellas, thank you for coming by. I have been a fan of what you guys do since Richmatic was the Wax Museum down at Chopstix. Give me some background into why you started an original flava hiphop night in Richmond.

Barnacles: Mordecai, Ben Cary (DJ Thread), and myself started the night as an outlet for DJ’s and other people in the city. We all wanted to hear underground hip-hop in a club. I never thought it would work out, but to my surprise it has.

Mordecai: I thought we’d be the only ones hanging out there, and for a while it was! But now we have a solid group of regulars and it’s great. We get a few breakers out there, but we definitely want more, so if you know anyone tell them to come out! DJ Thread deserves a lot of credit for developing the Wax Museum, but now Barnacles and I are working with DJ’s J.A.Z. and Mesh to build Richmatic.

AH: With movies being made about rap and facets of the B-Boy lifestyle being pimped by corporations to connect with today’s culture, do you feel that hip-hop might burn itself out like a 80’s metal or disco? Why do you think people continue to love the music?

B: Might? If you ask me, it already has. On the topic of the movies, go ahead, as long as it’s honest. Movies like Scratch and the Def Jux Tour [Revenge of the Robots] should be made. Movies like, You Got Served [#3 movie in the box office at the time] should not. Second, people love the music because of the innovation. Every year there is something new and incredible to lose your mind in. Music is an expression of life and art.

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M: I try to make a distinction between what the garbage corporations try to pass off as hip-hop and what hip-hop really means to me. I don’t listen to the radio because it is programmed by a company that is paid by a record label to push a new “artist” who has no talent and no content. (Almost all commercial stations are automated so they don’t even need a human in the studio most of the time!) The same goes for TV and movies. Our radio show is different because it is on a college station so we have no playlist and we are in there live, mixing and scratching. I think music can be a lot of fun and that helps keep people interested in it. Too many people take hiphop way too seriously.

M: I had a blast at Ingredience. We scratched as part of Joe Threat’s band and the crowd was great. I spun for the break-dancing battle and that was dope, but too short. I bought a tight painting, and I entered in the DJ battle and met some sick DJ’s who should be coming on our radio show in the near future. However, the event was severely under promoted.

AH: You were involved in a gathering of hip-hop heads here in Richmond named Ingredience. How was that, and are there any other similar events that people should check out?

M: Joe Threat, Lonnie B, Skillz, Kleph, Dollaz, DoxOne @ Da Spot, The Ologist, Divine Profitz, Rocket Queen, and Illogic.

B: Ingedience was poorly organized and that’s all I have to say. [There is a discussion about it on our message board - http://richmatic.proboards20.com - visit the General Board under Ingredience Hip-Hop Festival]. This summer Ravenous Munkz will put on their annual summertime hip-hop event.

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AH: Anybody other than yourselves worth checking out here in the city?

B: Check out the other Richmatic boys, J.A.Z. (of Skunk) and Mesh (of Luggage). Anyone else you feel is worth listening to.

Double Standard host a weekly hip-hop show, “In The Groove” on WDCE 90.1 FM every Saturday night from 7-9pm. Richmatic is at Nanci Raygun.

And an EP and mixed CD is in the works. Also, Barnacles’ “Brass Monkey Lounge” is out now.

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| MUSIC

R. ANTHONY HARRIS

Stone’s Stew has been changing the perceptions of jazz music in Richmond for about two years. They pay homage to the greats of the genre while bringing something stank out of the pile called contemporary jazz. I had a chance to sit down with this unique group of four people after their weekly show at Metro Grill.

Anthony Harris: What is it about you four, musically, that made you feel like you could work together? Was it a smell...an odor maybe?

Jared: Ummm, it wasn’t really a musical attraction.

John and I had played together for a year or so with Marcus Swayzee before he had to return to Scotland.

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When we asked Alan to come play a gig with us, we never let him leave. That’s how it started. Fran joined us last summer after numerous rehearsals for a friends wedding.

Jon: It’s like when we were in high school and we would mess with each other saying stuff like, “could ya, would

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ya?” And sing songs like “Let me play with mustard till I fall out of bed”. No! Yeah, I’ve got mail.

would much rather see it happen by good, talented people, working hard to blend it into our generation.

AH: Yeah, I’ve done that. Alan?

AH: Some required albums for jazz listening?

Alan: When you’re a young aspiring musician trying to get your craft together, you need to perform as much as you can. Jon, Jared, Fran and I are all in the same boat in this aspect, and therefore have been playing together quite frequently.

Jared: Roy Haynes - The Roy Haynes Trio, Chick Corea - Now He Sings, Now He Sobs, Aretha Franklin - Greatest Hits, Keith Jarrett - Bye, Bye Blackbird, John Coltrane – Meditations.

Fran: Well, I guess it all started when we met at music school. We were all friends outside of music, because we were all cool like that. But one night I went down to Sam Miller’s to play with the already formed Stone’s Stew and it just clicked. Not too long after that a friend of ours commissioned us to play her wedding. From then on it’s been great.

AH: Sweet. Okay, here is something I’ve been thinking about...jazz used to be on the forefront of music, like hip-hop today, what needs to happen for jazz to once again be thought of as the mainstream? Should it happen?

Jared: Look, just tell me if you don’t like us jazzicanranians, we have feelings too ya know. Jazz can be commercial. Go ahead, call us un-marketable lowlifes not really wanting to work. We love who we are and where we came from. You should be proud of what we bring as visitors to your planet.

AH: Um Jared, did you wet your pants? Alan, same question.

Alan: Elements of jazz can be found in popular groups such as Soulive and Medeski, Martin & Wood. This is probably the future of “mainstream jazz.”

Jon: I think elements of jazz can be found in the groups he mentioned as well as hip hop, certain rock groups, and other forms of pop music. So in a backwards kind of way jazz-type music is still in the forefront. Also “pure jazz” artists are on the forefront of creative music, which is not primarily about making money, like pop music is.

Fran: For jazz to be thought of as mainstream again, Britney Spears needs to start singing it.

Alan: Louis Armstrong - Complete RCA recordings, Wes Montgomery - Full House, Sonny Rollins - Newk’s Time, Miles Davis - Milestone’s, Oscar Peterson - Night Train.

Jon: Louis Armstrong & Ella Fitzgerald – Together, Miles Davis - Kind of Blue, Oscar Peterson & Clark Terry, Jaco Pastorius – Jaco, Herbie Hancock - Head Hunters, Boney James - Still Bonin’ Fran: Eva Cassidy – Imagine, Bonnie Raitt - Bonnie Raitt, Susan Tedeschi - Just Won’t Burn, Wait for Me, Ella Fitzgerald, Duke Ellington – Songbook, Stevie Wonder - Song Book.

AH: You forgot Journey! Anyway, when is the second album coming out? Where can I get a copy of the first?

Fran: Thank you for asking. My most recent costume change was brought to you by the local Salvation Thrift.

I only pick the highest quality shoes and hosiery. I only wear colors that coordinate with the names of our tunes, by the first letter. Call me crazy, but I only like soy and soy-based products.

AH: Fran, you have a glazed look in your eye...were you sniffing glue just now?

Jon: Next year and it is going to be titled “Would Ya, Could Ya?”.

Jared: Hopefully by the end of the year...likely in early 2005. Our first record, “Beck’s Recipe”, can be bought at Plan 9 and Tower Records (both in the jazz section). You may also order one by going to our website at: www.stonesstewjm.com AH: Thank you for taking the time, it has been very interesting. Gotta love that jazz.

AH: Which would suck ass...

Fran: Or, somebody like Jay-Z or 50 cent needs to sample it more. As sad as it is, that’s probably how it will happen. That’s not to say it should happen. I

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You can catch Stone’s Stew every week at Metro Grill on Mondays and the John Marshall Martini and Bubble Bar on Thursdays.

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| MUSIC

A Beer and A Chat With Johnny Throckmorton CHRISTIAN DETRES

| KENT EANES

Christian Detres: Hey Johnny, I’ve known you for going on 14 years. During that entire time you’ve been in so many bands I forget all their names. Can you list them?

Johnny Throckmorton: Lets see, obviously Alabama Thunder Pussy. There’s Ars Moriendi, Dusty Nut Roll, Guidewire, Shatter, From Earth to Ashes, Major Marcel, Gentle, Morphine’s Window, now Last Crash, and um, I’m forgetting a few I think.

CD: I get the sense from our previous conversations that you feel there’s something different about your latest project, Last Crash.

JT: Yeah, for me it’s a big difference. I’ve made most of my career as a singer in bands. In Last Crash, I’m strictly playing guitar. It allows me to set the tone musi-

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cally, which is something I always envied as a singer. It’s also the first time that we’re going about the growth of the band as a career endeavor. I’ve played in so many bands where the music was simply self-gratifying. We want to consider the listener. We want to make songs that you involuntarily end up humming at work. We also want to break out of the musician type who tours for four months and comes home with $300 in his pocket and a few shifts bartending at the corner bar.

Yes, I want to make money as a musician. It’s what I love doing and I want to do it for the rest of my working life.

CD: Again, we’ve touched on this before. Some would consider that “selling out” - making the desire to be successful in your music career as a priority in your overall focus. But there’s more to it than that.

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JT: Yeah it goes back to what I was just talking about.

We’re just approaching Last Crash from a different angle. We want to make music that’s a little more accessible. If that ethic gets us on the radio in heavy rotation then I’m happy with that. It doesn’t mean we want to be Nickleback, but we do want to offer something that is memorable. Really, I guess, we’re trying to make perfect songs. Usually, if you think about some of the indie and punk songs out there, there’s either a good hook, or a good chorus, or music you endure because of great lyrics, or vice versa. We want to craft songs that have all of that. So we spend a LOT of time getting every part of the song perfect. There’s so many times we could stop with a song when one element just clicks perfectly and leave it as is. I have to credit my band mates on this too because we won’t stop there – the entire song has to gel. We’re really good at putting the egos on the back burner. I’m really proud of the way we work together.

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CD: So, what’s the plan? What are you doing to get to that point?

JT: Well, we’re really lucky. Over the last decade or so we’ve made a lot of good friends in influential positions. We’ve got some amazing producer and engineer friends that have worked on some major projects that we routinely send stuff to. They give us great professional opinions. I think, more importantly, we’ve bought our own top-end recording and mixing equipment so we can see the results of our work immediately – tweak it as we see fit. We don’t have to wait on other people - booking studio time and whatnot. We’re very self-sufficient. In the end, I think this band has every element – talent, business sense, and drive to succeed on national stage, and it’s about time.

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| MUSIC

An Interview with Aaron Weiss CHRISTIAN DETRES

Christian Detres: Where are you guys from?  Aaron Weiss: We’re all from the suburbs of Philly.

We’ve been together for over three years in one way or another. This current lineup’s been together for a little over a year. A few of us used to be in The Operation. CD: How would describe your music for those that haven’t heard you yet?  AW: Well, we were all into Drive Like Jehu, Fugazi, a lot of DC Hardcore – a lot of aggressive music. So I guess we fit into a number of categories but like everyone else we hate the labels.  CD: I’d say somewhere in the screamo-punk genre.

AW: I’d say that works.

CD: How extensive is this tour you’re on?  AW: Well, we’ve been all over the place from Florida to Boston. We’ve been on it for a month and a half now. CD: You’ve played Richmond before? AW: Well, almost. We showed up here when this place [we’re sitting behind the Nanci Raygun] used to be the 929 Café, I think. Well, we showed up and were told our show was cancelled days ago. Not exactly the fondest memories of Richmond. But I love the city – cobblestones, brick buildings… CD: I’m sure the long line out the front door this time isn’t hurting your vision of Richmond now. AW: Haha, yeah. That helps too. CD: What do you have going on right now, besides the tour?  AW: I think we’re recording in May. I’m cool with whatever we do. I don’t stress about it. I don’t even [Mis-Information - Qui dedit benificium taceat; narret qui accepit]

know what’s going to happen tomorrow. I mean, recently, I’ve been reading the bible and a lot of those concerns don’t seem to be relevant to me. I’ve been thinking about bigger things. CD: Like what? AW: Well, I want what Paul was talking about when he described the peace that transcends understanding.

I want to embody Jesus’ vision of love for your neighbors, God, and even your enemies. I want to add works to my faith. I like Paul especially. I love the fact the he was content with his lot in life as long as he had God and had love. I mean I’ve never been shipwrecked, beaten and stoned and I still have complaints about stuff. I’d like to be like him. I don’t want to concern myself with all the mundane crap that doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things. CD: Do you feel it makes it easier to play and perform music when you’re not SO concerned about it’s reception or what it’s going to do for you? AW: It makes it easier to be in a band when I have other questions in my life answered and I’m internally rested in Jesus’ simplicity and his teachings and not concerned with how many people show up to the show. CD: Do you find those themes make it into your music or is it something you keep separate? AW: Well, it didn’t used to. When I first wanted to be in a band I wanted to make out with as many girls as possible and to be popular and to be cool and everything. I realized that was all shallow but that doesn’t mean I didn’t still want it. It’s been a small part of my life in the past but it’s getting to be a much bigger issue for me. CD: Well, this has turned into a much different interview than I thought it was going to be. A lot more interesting actually. Good luck with everything! CHEW ON THIS MAGAZINE

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| FASHION

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$26.95 2.95; Top: Roxy- .95 Skirt: Oneill-$3 ill-$19 6.95; Top: One Skirt: Roxy-$3

Clothing: 17th St Surf Shop Models: Ariel, Holly, and Cole Photography: Jonathan Martin Special Thanks: Mark Whitehead, Kristen Hall

Holly - Sk irt: Cole - Shirt Oneill-$32.95; To p: Oneill: Billabong $19.

-$39.95; Pants: Di 95; Shoes: Roxy-$ ckies-$24.

26.95; Pu 95 rse: Roxy

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Club Velvet

DANCERS WANTED

Shockoe Bottom’s ONLY Adult Entertainment Club $2000 a week guaranteed No Experience Needed 18 or older Call 334-5250

Sample Menu Paninis The Monroe - Oven roasted turkey breast, sharp cheddar, tomato, red onion, and garlic mayo on olive panini bread The Mo - Thinly sliced and juicy medium roast beef, creamy muenster, mushroom, tomato, and horseradish spread on olive panini bread

Wraps The Jackson - Oven roasted turkey breast, thinly sliced avocado, creamy goat cheese, and tomato w/ herbed mayo on a sun-dried tomato tortilla The Marshall - Fresh petite shrimp tossed in our own sun-dried tomato pesto w/ cheese, lettuse, and tomato on a white tortilla

Classics The Clay - Oven roasted turkey breast, smoked provolone, lettuce, tomato, and herbed mayo The Adams - Our homemade all white meat chicken salad, freshly prepared and topped w/ sharp cheddar, lettuce, tomato, and Dijon mayo

CBR5 is the fifth road race/scavenger hunt put on by Sticky Rice restuarant during spring break. Teams compete in competions to win prizes and a $1000 grandprize. This yearly event has taken teams to New York, Atlanta, Canada, Las Vegas, California, and this year, Savannah, GA for St. Patrick’s Day. Here are some pictures of the runners, organizers, actors, and cameramen that helped with this years CBR.

Team Blow Up Dolls

Team Europa

Team Debasers

Team No Choice

| GRANDPARENTS

Our Grandpar

ents

It’s so easy to get caught up in our day-to-day lives that we often forget who we are and where we come from. In an effort to preserve the stories from our families past, we asked all of our contributing writers to spend some time with their grandparents and gather as many interesting anecdotes as possible.

The stories range from the pioneer days to the attack on Pearl Harbor. From travels in Russia and Scotland to rum running during Prohibition. We hope you enjoy this collection and encourage you to take a minute and remember the stories from your family’s past.

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Susan Antonelli My father’s mother: large, moon-like, hub sibling of seven, believed in the evil eye, cooked only in pots the size of cauldrons, produced folded up five dollar bills from inside her gigantic bra and swore you to secrecy.

She left mysterious rosary beads heaped on end-tables. Every Friday her children, their spouses, and grandchildren came for dinner. We barely noticed the cousins, neighbors, and widowers that filed through. The visitors dodged us kids, spilling over into the living room, rocking TV trays, laying claim to couches and my grandfather’s recliner. He left this chair only to walk slowly, grinning, into the kitchen as my mother and aunts rushed out with heaping plates and baby cups filled with fruit punch. Bumping chairs, the adults crowded around a kitchen table that threatened to swallow the whole room. Only my grandmother was still standing, stirring bubbling soups and sauces at the stove, her altar and throne.

My father’s father: always in a shirt with a pointy collar, snug over the belly, always with a thin gray mustache, sparkling eyes, rarely speaking. Patient, waiting for my father and I to take him to the track. The men there were stereotypes from modern gangster movies, with hoarse voices and brown leather 70’s jackets. Because of these men, I watch those shows with a vague sense of recognition, not of the lifestyle, but gestures, nicknames and faces. Bits of dialogue pop out and surprise me, phrases I thought of as inside jokes. My grandfather: handicapping his program of miniscule race numbers, his crimped finger holding the remaining pages in a tight roll. He had broken his finger as a young man, and never had it reset. I would try to bend my pinky like his, but my other fingers would all curl with it. It looked painful, this immobile finger. It stayed in a perfect hook as it rested on the arm of his TV chair, buttered a slice of bread, shuffled his fan of red poker cards, or pointed at me, smirking, when he and only he saw me misbehave. I worked up the courage to ask, and he promised me, no, it never hurt him.

At age six, my grandmother told me I was making macaroni, in a tone of voice that implied fun. I found myself coated with flour, clamping a hand crank to the table, wrist throbbing as I tried to pump out doughy spaghetti noodles. They were impossible to keep separated, they were inconsistent and chalky to touch. Amused and indulgent, she let me give up. The next year my father was relocated. At age seven my memories blur slightly, then continue to fade until seventeen. I never knew them as an adult. I think of grandparents as things invented for children’s happiness, like cartoons or Santa Claus.

The neighborhood remained a pocket of Italian Catholics, friends whose children rode bikes with my father.

They squinted at me in the funeral home, trying to figure out whose kid I was. I told myself, they’re getting senile. Truth is, I am my grandparent’s American dream, a child of strip malls, sitcoms and drive-thrus.

Saving time, saving effort. I dump pasta straight from the box, unceremonious. I sit down to eat and read books set in other times, mesmerized by customs, rituals, senseless superstitions. I am drawn to folk dancing and movies about arranged marriages and disowned children. An identity stronger and thicker than blood.

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| GRANDPARENTS

Kirsten Lewis My phone rang on Sunday. Without even looking at the caller ID I knew immediately who it was, she calls me every Sunday around four in the afternoon.

“Hi Mormor,” I said without hesitation. “Kirsten. I didn’t know if you would be home. How is everything in Richmond?” We talked about the weather, her trip she was planning to Tampa in a couple weeks, my past weeks events. The usual. “How’s Rachel doing?” I asked because I hadn’t spoken to my sister in a few weeks.

“Well, you know. She’s going out with all these different men. I don’t really understand what it is with your sister and the sex,” Mormor said so matter of factly. “You know she has a birthday coming up and I told your aunt I should just buy her a vibrator.”

Now, in any other circumstance with any other normal granddaughter talking to their grandmother this statement might be disturbing but this is no ordinary grandmother. I responded, “Maybe you should.”

There was a slight pause and then a sigh. “I just think it would be a little awkward going into the sex shop to buy it.”

Mormor is Swedish for mother’s mother; hence she is my maternal grandmother. As a child I was unaware of just how incredible this woman was, the one who every Friday night would meet my parents at the Salem Fire Station to pick us up and take us to her house for the weekend. She raised us three days out of the week from the time I was six until I was sixteen, and since I blew out the seventeen candles on my birthday cake I still have arranged to have a bed ready just in case I need it.

Her parents immigrated to the states from Sweden in 1927. She was the oldest of four and the caretaker for six, the latter two being my great grandparents, Sonja and Hugo Carlson. It was not until a few years ago that I began to learn of the stories that live within my Mormor’s past. Hugo was an alcoholic, and vodka made him mean. Mormor was terrified of his temper, retreating to her covers at night to hide from his monstrous shadow on the wood floor after a night at the local tavern. She had to begin working by the time she was 13 just so the heat wouldn’t be shut off in the middle of February. Every penny he made in the Navy went down the hatch and into the sewer. Just a year ago I learned of the nights Mormor would let her siblings hide in her room while Hugo would beat and rape their mother. They fell asleep to the muffled screams and tears coming from their parent’s bedroom.

Of all the horrifying stories, the one most vividly embedded in my heart is the time Mormor had saved up for a purple hat she had seen in the department store. Back then, hats were a necessity, a sign of class. She had saved $45 for the most elegant of all the hats she had ever seen. One night her father came home after a two day binge, demanding she go out to the store and buy him some more vodka. Mormor explained that she hadn’t any coins left in her pockets. Hugo noticed the hat sitting in the circular box on her bed. He demanded she bring it to him at once. She pleaded with her father not to take it back; she had worked so hard to buy it.

Despite her tears he took it in his age worn hands, ripped it end to end, and threw it in the trash. She’s said nothing more of him to me. I know he later died of liver failure.

For Christmas one year I wrote a book entitled, “Everything I’ve learned I learned from my Mormor.” In it were pictures from the time she was born until then, accompanied by the lessons she has taught me. I came across some photos taken of her while she was finishing up senior year in high school. I could not believe just how beautiful she was. It was then that my mother told me the Regatta story. In Connecticut, the Regatta races embark from Mystic just outside the harbor. To celebrate the sailboats and their captains, the city crowns a Regatta Queen for the year. My grandmother was the very first Regatta Queen. In addition to the honor complete with a sash, Eileen Ford of Ford Modeling agency offered Mormor a $30,000 contract with her new agency. Mormor, although flattered, denied the offer. “Thank you, but I want to be a nurse.”

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[Mis-Information - Revera linguam latinam vix cognovi]

Mormor has been working for the public health system for the past 55 years. She has enriched every realm of the field from hospice to the public school system. She has dedicated her life both personally and professionally to others. Even at 76 she continues to run free health clinics in the local senior centers and substitutes at her favorite schools.

Mormor married twice. Ari, her second husband, truly was the love of her life. Ari was an orthodox Jew and when choosing Mormor to spend the rest of his living days with, his family went to the synagogue and pronounced him dead. He never spoke to them again. Unfortunately, the conditional love and rejection from his family drove him into depression. Ari took his own life in the bedroom with a 22. After the paramedics left, and she found herself alone, Mormor scrubbed down every inch of that bedroom, painted over the bloodstains and continued to sleep in the same room for the next 38 years. Although a widow, she found the strength to embrace the life she had with her two daughters and to continue each new day with courage.

Mormor has always been my role model, my inspiration, and the one from which I seek my own strength. It was Mormor who read with me as a child. It was Mormor who taught me how to crack open a mussel, safety pin it to a string, and catch crabs in the cracks of the rocks above the ocean. It was Mormor who made me Swedish coffee bread and then helped me dunk it in my very own cup of coffee. Most importantly it is Mormor who continues to encourage and support me and my aspirations.

I bought the vibrator for my sister for her birthday and attached a post it note to the box, “From me and Mormor.”

Kristy Salce In 1996 I was visiting extended family in Connecticut for Thanksgiving dinner, sitting down, discussing the usual “how music won’t make a career” talk that had been an issue amongst my older, more “wiser” family members since I was now thinking about college. I noticed my aunt (who was pushing 60) started to look offended at some of the things my relatives were saying about the “college – then corporate dream” stereotype. She then interrupted and yelled at my Grandmother, “Well what do you call my career?” The confusion on my face was priceless because all I had known about my aunt’s career was she taught dance lessons to little kids (I myself had been her student when I was little) and I didn’t exactly call that a “career in the entertainment business.” So at that point, my aunt began to tell a story that up until that point, only my grandmother and my uncle knew about.

My Aunt Noreen started with how she graduated professional dance school and was in a dance troupe that performed all across the country, but mostly in New York City. Her troupe had regular appearances on the Ed Sullivan show, mostly to warm up the crowd or provide filler between segments. I was shocked. This was so anti what my parents had mapped out as a typical “stable” life. I loved it. Proof that even old people are young once.

Anyways, she said that her most notable appearance on the Ed Sullivan show was February 9, 1964 when the Beatles first performed on TV in America. Her act immediately followed the Beatles and closed the show. I asked her if she met John Lennon, my favorite – which she had. In fact she met all of the Beatles except for George, who was sick during rehearsals. She said that they were so friendly and down to earth, and that nobody seemed to know just how huge they would be. After all, my aunt was older than the Beatles at the time, and wasn’t really a fan of their style of music. Those crazy kids and their rock ‘n roll.

[Mis-Information - Solum potestis prohibere ignes silvarum]

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| GRANDPARENTS

Alison Miller I lost my last living grandparent when I was twelve. He was the child of a missionary who lived in Korea until he was eleven, when both of his parents had died. I lost my first when I was four. He was the son of a grocer in Richmond, Virginia. I guess the former grandparent’s life would make an interesting and different story.

Instead, though, I chose to grill my dad about the details of his dad’s life and I ended up finding out how very Richmond I am. My father was named after his father. His father was named after Theodore Roosevelt - sort of. His mother Lula (a name I’ll likely pin on a daughter of mine someday) named him Paul Theodore Miller because she loved Roosevelt and my grandfather was born the year he left office. He spent the first few months of his life living near the corner of Floyd and Granby. In the early twenties his father built the house that still stands (now broken into apartments) at 3001 Grove Ave. Directly behind the house his father built a grocery store, now a salon. The store originally sold only German food but when many Richmonders boycotted it during World War I he Americanized the store. My grandfather had six brothers, many of whom helped out in the store.

My grandfather himself left St. Benedict’s after the seventh grade to work there. One of his brothers went on to make a career in the grocery business. For quite a while he worked behind the meat counter at an A&P at Broad and Lombardy. His coworker tried to convince him to partner with him in the opening of a new store.

My great uncle declined which is a shame since the coworker was Joe Ukrop. From what I have heard, my grandfather’s childhood was pleasant, scarred only by the sudden and tragic death of one of his brothers. Maurice was killed as a young child when he was hit by a truck while riding his tricycle.

The church very near to 3001 Grove was built as a chapel for veterans of the confederacy and there was a house for them behind it. My grandfather often walked over to the house and listened to the veterans’ stories. A few years ago a photo of my great grandfather in his store with a confederate veteran ran in the local section of the Richmond Times Dispatch. The salon owner was very surprised when my dad showed it to him. For money when he was young my grandfather made kites that he sold at his father’s store. He also enjoyed taking the streetcar down Grove to the (then new) Country Club of Virginia. His afternoons caddying there sparked a love for golf that would last his entire life. Upon marrying my grandmother in his mid-twenties my grandfather bought the house at 3012 Floyd Avenue.

He later moved to West Virginia where he raised my father and his three siblings. He moved back to Richmond later in life and was killed while crossing the street for milk early one rainy morning. He was hit by a motorcycle on August 16, 1982 - my fourth birthday. A couple of days ago I noticed a picture of my grandparents wedged into the corner of a photo frame at my parents’ house. I looked at it for a while, wondering what they were thinking when the picture was taken, if they were happy, and most of all seeing my father in his father’s face. My knowledge of my grandfather’s life may be thin, but I’ve happily realized that there is still evidence of him all around me.

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[Mis-Information - Timeo danaos et dona ferentes]

Muriel Schapiro July 25,1936 (Saturday) - Leningrad, Russia “Arrived in the morning. Got off and went touring. Went to Winter Palace and one of the finest collections of art in the world, “The Hermitage.” We saw originals of Rembrandt, a Dutch painter and of Van Dyke and of Titian.

Then we went to another palace and while we were riding around the whole morning we saw the filth, the dirt and filthy, dirty, sloppy people. They were so thin looking (the children) that their ribs stuck out. Their buildings were dilapidated old houses, practically falling apart. It is indescribable how filthy, messy, sloppy, dirty looking the people were. Finally after getting filthy ourselves and having a terrible lunch we came back to the boat at 6: 15 p.m. The women wore old ragged black skirts and dirty shawls on their shoulders and heads and sometimes no shoes or dirty slippers. The women drove the trolleys, cleaned up the streets, carried heavy burdens, etc. We saw out of hundreds of people about 4-6 intelligent looking people. At night took the train at 9:30 p.m. for Moscow, Russia.”

August 3,1936 Holyrood Palace Edinburgh,Scotland “Went to Holyrood Palace, the place where Mary Queen of Scots resided. We saw her bedroom and other rooms where she stayed. In the afternoon we went to Sir Walter Scott’s home, Abbotsford, in Scotland. The ride out to the home was beautiful and showed the different parts of Scotland. Once in his home we saw the desk and chair at which he wrote his most famous books. Up and around this old desk and chair was a balcony which circled around his library of books. He built it this way, with a door at the other end of his balcony leading to his bedroom, because he was lame and it would be easier for him rather than climbing a ladder each time to look for a book. We saw many swords belonging to him. His great-great grandson lives there now. Scott died in 1802.”

Irwin Schapiro I had an inauspicious start when inducted into the army on September 11, 1941. Little did anyone realize that 60 years later the date September 11th would commemorate the deadliest terror attack on civilians in US history.

I spent 3 weeks at a reception center at Camp Upton, NY, awaiting assignment to a training program. On the troop train, which left Long Island at 4am on October 1st, we had groups which were being sent to Edgewood Arsenal and Aberdeen Proving Grounds in Maryland, as well as our group assigned to Camp Lee (now called Fort Lee). Other than lasting 18 hours, our journey wasn’t very exciting. I do remember going through Fredericksburg, where I guessed that they needed such a long station to accommodate all the letters in the name. I also saw something about which I had heard, but which reminded me that Lincoln’s job was incomplete - the signs on the restrooms indicating white and colored. It was my first trip south of DC, and what I had heard about became a reality.

The most exciting event during my stay at Camp Lee occurred on December 7th. I had a weekend pass and was visiting friends in Washington. They were showing me some of the sights, and as we rode through Arlington Cemetery, we heard on the radio the news about the bombing of Pearl Harbor. When we got back to Camp Lee that evening we found that our training company had been put on high alert and all the men were sleeping with full field packs. As a result, no one rested, and the rule was rescinded the next night. On Monday, December 8, the entire contingent of troops at Camp Lee, about 5,000 in all, was marched to an assembly area near Headquarters, and we heard President Roosevelt deliver the “Day of Infamy” address to the Congress, in which he asked for a declaration of War against Japan and Germany. The rest is history.

[Mis-Information - Ubi concordia, ibi Victoria]

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| GRANDPARENTS

Christian Detres Everyone wants the grandfather who hands out dollar bills for candy, well after your “candy is God” phase.

Everyone wants the grandfather who scowls at your dad for disciplining you (especially when you deserve it). The grandfather who worked for London Records in the sixties and knew the Rolling Stones. The one that owned a club and art gallery in NYC’s East Village in the heydays of the Ramones and the Talking Heads. The one that championed causes dear to his heart - bringing running water to his childhood village in Puerto Rico (P.R.) - spearheading the ongoing movement for the Independence of P.R. from the hands of the U.S. - marching with Martin Luther King Jr. on Washington DC - being tailed by the CIA for decades because of his “pinko” belief-system. The one that raised three children through diversity and remains married to his wife of 50+ years.

The one who, though an imperfect man, gave nothing but love to his grandchildren - breaking a neglectful, and sometimes abusive, family history. A grandfather that makes you proud to be his grandson. One that your guy friends want to sit and learn from and your girlfriends want to hug and cater to. One that stands 5’4”, with a shock of unruly white hair, sun-farmed skin, long-suffering eyes and always greets you with a quiet, comforting smile.

Casildo Detres Sr. - my paternal grandfather - embodies a simplicity in life with a complexity in love. He’s happy with a daily trip to 7-11 and to see his family on a regular basis. If you’re under 13 years old, you’re instantly his friend and if you’re under 80, you should instantly be his student. The stories of growing up on a farm in Puerto Rico before immigrating to the states in the late 30’s are amazing - and limitless. The stories of coming here with nothing and in the course of his 84 years raising three children and loving eleven grandchildren and two greatgrandchildren are inspiring. Funny enough, all of my cousins on my MOTHERS’ side of the family call him by the honorific coined by my brother as a toddler, “Lalo” (mangled version of the Spanish word for grandfather, “abuelo” (good going, Bobby)).

Everyone wants a grandfather that seems to have been built of the stuff of Norman Rockwell paintings and recalls the sounds of lightly-played Jibaro songs on a coffee bean farm in San Sebastian. Everybody wants that grandfather, but they can’t have him - he’s mine.

Robin C. Greene Since my father was in the Air Force, and most of our assignments were overseas, what I know of my grandparents, Edward Harries and Ebba Christine, came from a few well-worn stories from my dad. It seems that two of my grandmother’s cousins, John and Albert Larsson, which became Americanized to Lawson, came to this country from Sweden, about 100 years ago. They acquired a covered wagon and headed west, landing in the great state of Kansas, or so it was to become. Out in the middle of the plains they built a kitchen, a room beside it for sleeping and visiting, and a root cellar. They were friendly with the Indians, and could remember seeing buffalo from horizon to horizon. There are still buffalo wallows on the ranch where the buffalo rolled around in the mud.

Albert and John were soon followed by their mother, another brother and their father, and their cousin Ebba Christine. Ebba rode herd with the men, and cooked & cleaned for them, and still found time to marry a woolens salesmen from England. They moved to New York, where my father was born. At a young age he was sent to boarding school with the best families, Fords, etc., and made to stay there to improve Ebba’s position in society, which was appropriate behavior for the time, but for which my father never did forgive her. Albert & John, with the help of Ebba’s husband, Edward, planted groves of trees and thus established tree claims to several thousand acres of land, eventually settling on crops of wheat and acres for cattle.

On one of Edward’s last trips from England before they left New York and moved out to the ranch in Kansas, Edward was on the ship, the Lusitania, when it was torpedoed and sunk. Fortunately he was put in one of the lifeboats, and as they were being lowered a mother tossed her baby daughter into his arms. The mother went down with the ship, and the baby eventually died, too. Before all the confusion, my grandfather had acquired a souvenir Lusitania spoon for grandma’s growing collection. When he arrived in New York, he still had the spoon for Ebba Christine. It remains to this day in my spoon collection, and every time I see it I remember my wonderful grandpa and my dictatorial but amazing grandmother.

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[Mis-Information - Vitanda est improba siren desidia]

Bryan Carter Grandpa ran moonshine back in the twenties. Pop had always been an entrepreneur. Having the first car dealership in Urbanna, a small general store and a house he had built himself, into which he ran his own electricity and plumbing, it seemed to him a natural extension of his income and a good old thumb up to the feds whom he deeply respected.

The government began waging war on beverages in nineteen twenty, and by 1924 grandpa and his colleagues had a more than modest operation going. They made barrel aged whiskey and gin, from wheat, corn, and the juniper berries that grew all along the Dragon Run, a creek that ran along my grandparent’s land. He and my uncle started with trucks from the dealership, a pot still, a coffey still that my pop’s friend, Jimmy MacTavish, had welded out of stainless steel, plus pop’s moonshine still. They set the stills up in an old warehouse Jimmy owned, and they were in business.

By nineteen twenty five they had four Ford T trucks for local runs around Saluda and Tidewater, seven unmarked Ford Paddy wagons for long distance runs, no doubt a smart looking fleet, and eight stills in continuous operation.

By nineteen twenty-eight they had a staff on payroll of nearly thirty people, business was booming. The sheriff of Middlesex County was my grandpa’s childhood friend, and was over playing horseshoes and drinking it up with grandpa and my uncle every weekend he got. So naturally, as a friend, pop never had to pay him anything.

Oddly, prohibition never banned the big “legitimate” distillers, but the only way one could get a bottle was with a prescription from a doctor. Since most folks couldn’t get a prescription for booze, they were forced to go to speakeasies or any old backroom that old Eddy Pourswell wanted to turn into a “soda fountain”. In addition to delivering to speakeasies in Tidewater, Richmond, Delaware, and Maryland, they opened their own speakeasies in town and another on Q Street, in Richmond’s Church Hill. Richmond was the cosmopolitan center of the Bible Belt back then, with the Old Dominion barn dances being broadcast live weekly from WRVA to the entire country.

The worst that could happen to one of Grandpa’s bartenders if they got popped serving a fed (pro-hi’s, he called them) was a month in jail, and they would be paid by pop while they sat in the clink. The drivers wouldn’t have gotten off so lightly, but thankfully none of them ever got busted.

By 1933 the government’s war on cocktails was over, and grandpa and his two associates, my uncle and Jimmy, had made a lot of money, and gotten many thousands of men and women completely snookered off of quality booze.

Grandpa never looked at distilling and rum running as crimes, he saw them more as an honest moneymaking opportunity. He sold everything else, he smoked and cured his own meats for the store, had been making his own moonshine for years, why shouldn’t he make money selling his own booze on the side. At any rate, a self-reliant gent like my grandfather never saw much use for the government and their “Noble Cause”.

And make money he did. By the time the stock market crashed in 1929, my grandfather was undaunted. He had made so much tax-free cash over the previous six years that he had enough to safely laugh at those who partook in the stock game. Pop never liked the idea of the stock market, or banks, for that matter. He was always fond of the old expression, “The house always wins.”

[Mis-Information - Vox populi, vox Dei]

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Door Beads • Tapestries • Posters Stickers • Incense • Body Oils T-Shirts • Women’s Apparel Sandals & More!

Visit us at: Picasso Moon Imports • Richmond, VA 9734 Midlothian Trnpk 1-800-249-5556 www.picassomoon.com

| FUN STUFF

Extrabad.com Website of the Month IGOR

I originally found this site because of a link to a site that showed Lego people being tortured and killed in all sorts of hilariously disturbing ways. I explored the site a bit and really enjoyed the flash movies I found. Over the next two days I watched the majority of the movies. They range in subject from robots to rednecks, and are all drawn in different styles. I would recommend the Lego flash and the robots to start off, if you like them then check out the rest of the site. Oh yeah, one of the movies features the extremely funny Danish Cook. Make sure you check this site out if you have some time to kill.

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Chew On This Crossword Quick, March 06, 2004

Created by DS 2

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Š The Sydney Morning Herald

ACROSS 1. Pail (6) 4. Feelings (8) 10. Long thin fish (3) 11. Impressive; dramatic (11) 12. Standardised; made even (9) 13. Synthetic fabric (5) 15. Shelter at the beach or pool (6) 17. Ask; demand (7) 19. One-piece swimsuit (7) 21. Covering for a knife (6) 23. Tendon (5) 24. Written testimonial (9) 26. Magic spell (11) 28. Short sleep (3) 29. Aristocrats (8) 30. Time of the year (6)

DOWN 1. Beer maker (6) 2. Computation; estimate (11) 3. Painter’s stand (5) 5. Bullfighter (7) 6. Special skill or knack (9) 7. Lubricate (3) 8. Tranquillity (8) 9. Country now known as Iran (6) 14. Commissioned officers (11) 16. Ration; stipend (9) 18. Noninclusion (8) 20. Row of houses (7) 21. Element that follows the stem of a word (6) 22. Armament (6) 25. Wash with water (5) 27. Young bear (3)

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Sound Of Music Studios Presents...

BLACK CAT APRIL 1 - TWO IF BY SEA, THE DRESDEN DOLLS 2 - WASHINGTON SOCIAL CLUB, ARMY OF ME, CORDALENE 3 - MN8 Presents: THE SPRING FLING w/ ASHERU (of Unspoken Heard) & others 3 4 - FANTOMAS, MELT BANANA, END 4 - GEOFF FARINA, REBECCA GATES 5 - ESTER DRANG, DEL REY 6 - RIDDLE OF STEEL, CACHE TOALMAN 7 - THE DISTILLERS, THE ICARUS LINE, THE LOT SIX 8 - BELLFLUR (cd release) 9 - THE SHAKEDOWNS, BANTAM, THE BAMBOO KIDS 12 - PINBACK, AMERICAN ANALOG SET, EL GUAPO 13 - THE FALL 14 - SAVATH & SAVALES, JUANA MOLINA, DJ 15 - PERNICE BROTHERS, LONG WINTERS 16 - LIARS, GET HUSTLE, YOUNG PEOPLE 17 - BEAUTY PILL, DECAHEDRON (cd release), CITYGOATS 18 - THE BUTCHIES, ONELINEDRAWING, KIMYA DAWSON (Moldy Peaches) 19 - 90 DAY MEN, COCO ROSIE 20 - SLIM CESSNAS AUTO CLUB 21 - MOTHERTONGUE: women’s spoken word w/ Sina Anderson (of Sister Spit) 22 - BLONDE REDHEAD, THE SECRET MACHINES 23 - BLONDE REDHEAD, THE SECRET MACHINES 24 - LOCAL H, COBRA VERDE 24 - CONFUSION DANCE NIGHT 25 - I AM THE WORLD TRADE CENTER, PAPER LIONS 26 - YAPHET KOTTO, MANNEQUIN, A DAY IN BLACK & WHITE 27 - SQUAREPUSHER 28 - CUB COUNTRY (mem. of Jets to Brazil), CHAMPIONS OF SOUND 29- FRENCH KICKS

THE NORVA APRIL 2 - Stainless Steel Ball #2, Balls To The Wall, Construkt, Final Obsession, T.F.B.U.N.D.Y., Splint, A.O.D., Dalinquent, and Stuck Backwards 3 - Jackmove, ASG (Volcom Recording Artist), Break Green, Famous Last Words 4 - Dope, Down From Zero, Agony Creeps, Sic Seed 6 - Bob Dylan with His Band 8 - Slipknot, Chimaira, Fear Factory, Epoxy 10 - The Wailers, New Blood Revival 12 - Coheed & Cambria, Rainer Maria, Funeral For A Friend, Brazil

321 W. Broad St.

13 - Something Corporate, Yellowcard, The Format 14 - Relient K with a Special Guest 15 - Slightly Stoopid, Pepper, Bargain Music 16 - Musiq with a Special Guest 16 - Eek - A - Mouse with a Special Guest 17 - N*E*R*D with a Special Guest 18 - Twista with 2 Special Guests 22 - World’s Largest Video Game Festival - Game Riot 23 - Fall of Transition, To The Grave, The Meadows, Adara 25 - Ozomatli with a Special Guest 26 - Switchfoot, The Jealous Sound, Copeland 28 - Dark Lotus, Lazybone 30 - Story Of The Year, Motion City Soundtrack, Letter Kills, Adair

THE CANAL CLUB APRIL 2 - Leon Milmore w/ Mandorico 3 - The Hackensaw Boys w/ Jackass Flats 4 - Ten Shekel Shirt 6 - Edwin McCain, Full Band Show w/ The Gibb Droll Band 10 - Conshafter, High Watt, Copper Sails 15 - Reliant K

ALLEY KATZ APRIL 1 - RAWG (GWAR unmasked), Immortal Avenger, Mensrea 2 - Day By Day Presents: Teenages From Mars Video Premiere, Luggage, Psycho 78 (Misfits cover Band) 3 - Coppersails (CD Release), Getaway Saints 3 - Every Time I Die, As I Lay Dying, Scarlet, Black Dahlia Murder 4 - Adara, Race The Sun, Hindsight 20/20, Ambry, Underscore 6 - NVA LIVE 7 - God Forbid, Stars of Tomorrow, Trivium, All That Remains 9 - Memory Fade, Sirens To Silence, Down to This, Mensrea 10 - Black Heart Valentine, Monarch, We Are Childhood Equals, Apacolypse Pow 10 - New Dimension Band with special guest 14 - SMOG, Dark Little Rooms, Tulsa Drone 15 - Chew On This Presents THE POST-IT NOTE ART SHOW - Boys Night Out, Ann Beretta, Red Tape, The Working Title, Before Falling 16 - American Analog Set, special guests 17 - Marc Broussard, Citizen Cope, special guest 19 - AN EVENING WITH CLUTCH 20 - Avenged Sevenfold, My Chemical Romance, Funeral For A Friend, Moments In Grace 22 - DTN, The First Step, Mad as Hell, Damage Control 24 - ONE, Richmond Dub Collective, special guest 25 - Local H, The McGuffin, special guest 29 - Blue October, special guests 30 - Jahvaquarium, Sundried Opossum

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804-788-0607

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Supporting the Richmond Sound and Music Scene Since 1994.

9:30 CLUB APRIL 1 - The Crystal Method 3 - Ben Kweller & Death Cab For Cutie w/ Aveo 4 - Liz Phair w/ Wheat & Rachael Yamagata 5 - The Psychedelic Furs w/ The Pleased 6 - The Darkness w/ The Wildhearts 8 - Air w/ Mosquitos 10 - The Funky Meters w/ The Bo-Keys 11 - N.E.R.D. & Black Eyed Peas 12 - N.E.R.D. & Black Eyed Peas 13 - Coheed & Cambria w/ Rainer Maria, Funeral for a Friend, Brazil 14 - Southern Culture on the Skids 15 - Cui Jian 16 - Floetry 17 - Sugar Ray 17 - Snow Patrol 18 - Quannum World 2004 Presents Blackalicious, DJ DSharp, DJ Shadow, The Gift of Gab, Joyo Velarde, Lateef & The Chief, Latyrx, Lifesavas, Lyrics Born 20 - Stereolab w/ Mice Parade 21 - GameRiot powered by XBOX 23 - Einstürzende Neubauten 24 - Tortoise w/ Beans & The Ex-Models 27 - Rufio w/ Senses Fail, Autopilot Off, Don’t Look Down 28 - Story of the Year w/ Motion City Soundtrack, Letter Kills, Adair

NANCI RAYGUN APRIL 1 - age of ruin, aria, xlookingforwardx, yours in murder 3 - usa is a monster, the corndogs, amoeba men, the hallelujah 4 - danse danse el capitain, the plot that broke the eiffel tower, the ultra dolphins, wow ouch 6 - the preacher’s kids, glori5, tba 8 - richmatic 10 - the shakedowns, bantam (members of the lunachicks), the social dropouts 12 - big d and the kid’s table, the arrogant sons of bitches, another nameless face, neighborhood friendly, plan 9 usa 14 - the kings of nuthin, tba 15 - richmatic 18 - international orange, conshafter, game show hero, the big creek, nation gaddy 21 - burns out bright, better luck next year, tba 23 - steel train, conceiting victory, the berlin project, dexter danger, ateriavia, motion picture demise 25 - matches, over it, reeve oliver, guff 26 - the chinese stars, the hallelujah, tba 27 - the process, hawthorne heights, armsbendback, tba 28 - the phantom lounge with adam and barry 29 - richmatic $3/10pm 30 - lady fest

soundofmusic.org

SHOW VENUES Alley Katz 10 Walnut Alley • 643-2816 http://alleykatz99.tripod.com Nanci Raygun 929 W. Grace St. • 353.4263 www.nanciraygun.com McCormack’s Irish Pub 12 N. 18th Street • 648.1003 http://www.mccormacksirishpub.com Emilio’s Tapas Bar 1847 W. Broad St. • 359-1224 Club 534 534 N. Harrison St. • 353-9670 The Canal Club 1545 E. Cary St. • 643-2582 http://www.thecanalclub.com OUT OF TOWN Black Cat 1811 14th St. NW DC • 202-667-7960 www.blackcatdc.com 9:30 Club 815 V St. NW DC • 202-3-930-930 www.930.com The Nation 1015 Half St. SE DC • 202-554-1500 www.primacycompanies.com/nation/ The Norva 317 Monticello Ave. • Norfolk, VA 757-627-4500 • www.thenorva.com The Boathouse 119 Park Ave. • Norfolk, VA 757-625-1445 • www.cellardoor.com/boat Hooplas 5760 N. Hampton Blvd. • VA Beach, VA 757-460-2100 • www.hooplas.com Peabodys 209 21th St. • VA Beach, VA 757-422-6212 www.peabodysvirginiabeach.com Tokyo Rose 2171 Ivy Rd • Charlottesville, VA 804-295-ROSE http://members.tripod.com/~sushirock/ Jaxx 6355 Rolling Rd. • West Springfield, VA 703-569-5940 • www.jaxxroxx.com The Ottobar 2549 N. Howard St. • Baltimore, MD 410-662-0069 • www.theottobar.com The Sidebar 218 E. Lexington St. • Baltimore, MD 410-659-4130 • www.sidebartavern.com

BRUNCH

WEEKLY STUFF

Bandito’s

Mon

Devil’s Workshop - Bogart’s Information Technology - Chopstix Sushi Heaven - Sticky Rice Open-Mic Night - Cafe Diem

Tues

Bootscooter - Babes DJ Williams - Cafe Diem The Grove - Cary St. Cafe Pat O’Brien - Easy Street Bio Ritmo/Modern Grove Syndicate Emilio’s (Alternating Tuesdays) Terry Murphy Trio - Hard Shell

Wed

Special Ed & the Short Bus - Cary St. Cafe Hump Day - Corner Cafe Electroclash - Club 534 9:55 Club Comedy Show - Chugger’s Stars of the Millennium - Halo Princess Complex - Rare Olde Times

Thurs

Richmatic - Nanci Raygun MC Showcase - Chopstix Open Mic Night - Crossroads Deep House Music - Emilio’s Open Mic Night - Puddin’ Heads Hip Hop House Party - Richbrau Frequency Party - Sauce Steve Mabry - Taphouse

Fri

Mikemetic - Hardshell Cheers - Browns Island DJ Will and Kjell - Europa The Reflex - Godfrey’s [1st & 3rd Fri only] ComedySportz Improv - Comedy Alley Stand-up Comedians - Comedy Zone Friday Night House Music - Sauce

Sat

Mikemetic - Hardshell Martini Lounge - Thai Room DJ Will and Kjell - Europa DJ Krames and Joe Bank$ - Chopstix Andy, Cindy and Thensome - Rare Olde Times Paul Walton & Tommy Clark - Taphouse

Sun

Dragshow - Babe’s [1st sunday only] Neighbor’s Appreciation - Corner Cafe S.I.N. Night - Richbrau Piedmont Souprize - Southern Culture

The Border Chophouse and Bar Buddy’s Cafe Diem The Corner Cafe Easy Street Cafe Godfrey’s The Hill Cafe Joe’s Inn Metro Grill Millie’s Sidewalk Cafe Southern Culture Strawberry Street Cafe

LATE NIGHT 3rd Street Diner 4th Street Cafe Bandito’s Capital Ale House Cafe Diem Easy Street Cafe Joe’s Inn Mojo’s Sidewalk Cafe Star-lite

KARAOKE! Mon - Emilio’s, Penny Lane, Potter’s Pub, Shenanigans Tues - Sticky Rice, Caddy’s Wed - Bandito’s, Babe’s, Bottom Line, Caddy’s, Shamrock Pub, Mojo’s, BW3 in the bottom Thurs - Chuggers, Bottoms Up, Awful Arthur’s, Caddy’s, Sideline Cafe, BW3 W. Broad, Visions Dance Club Fri - Daddio’s Grille, Shamrock Pub Sat - Break Time Sports Bar Sun - Break Time Sports Bar, Caddy’s

CLASSIFIEDS Classified space available - $10/month email local@alocalmarket.com

THE LIST

Comedy Alley 7115 Staples Mill Rd. • 266-9377

Metro Grill 301 N. Robinson St. • 353-4453

2525 Cafe 2525 W. Main St. • 204-2525

Comedy Club 109 S. 12th St. • 643-5653

Millie’s 2603 E. Main St. • 643-5512

The Comedy Zone 6233 Staplesmill Rd. • 262-9652

Mojo’s 733 Cary St. • 644-6676

Commercial Taphouse 111 N. Robinson St. • 359-6544

Mulligan’s in the Fan 1323 W. Main St. • 353-8686

Crossroads 217 W. Cary St. • 643-2060

McCormacks Irish Pub 12 N. 18th Street • 648-1003 www.mccormacksirishpub.com

3rd Street Diner 218 E. Main St. • 788-4750 4th Street Cafe 9 N. 4th St. • 648-2838 After Six 1708 E. Main St. • 780-2344 Avalon 2619 W. Main St. • 353-9709 Babes 3166 W. Cary St. • 355-9330 Baja Bean Co. 1520 W. Main St. • 257-5445 Bandito’s 2905 Patterson Ave. • 354-9999 www.banditosburritolounge.com

Curbside Cafe 2525 W. Hanover St. • 355-7008 Chuggers 900 W. Franklin St. • 353-8191 Cosmopolitan 3156 W. Cary St. • 355-5527 Capital Ale House 623 E. Main St. • 643-2537 The Doghouse 1719 E. Main St. • 644-3004

Barcode 6 E. Grace St. • 648-2040

Easy Street Cafe 2401 W. Main St. • 355-1198

Bogart’s Back Room 203 N. Lombardy St. • 353-9280

Emilio’s Tapas Bar 1847 W. Broad St. • 359-1224

Bottom Line 1814 E. Main St. • 644-5944

Europa 1409 E. Cary St. • 643-0911 www.europarichmond.com

Bottoms Up Pizza 1700 Dock St. • 644-4400 Breakers 9127 W. Broad St. • 270-1461 Brown’s Island S. 7th St. • 643.2826 The Border Chophouse and Bar 1501 W. Main St. • 355-2907 Buddy’s Place 325 N. Robinson St. • 355-3701 www.buddysplace.net

Chopstix 3129 W. Cary St. • 358-7027

Penny Lane Pub 207 N. 7th Street • 780-1682 Poe’s Pub 2706 E. Main St. • 500-7856 Rare Old Times 10602 Patterson Ave. • 750-1346 Richbrau Brewing Company 1214 E. Cary St. • 644-3018

Sidewalk 2101 W. Main St. • 358-0645

Godfrey’s 308 E. Grace St. • 648-3957

Sine Irish Pub 1327 E. Cary St. • 649-7767

Grove Ave. Coffee and Tea Co. 5802 Grove Ave. • 288-6211

Southern Culture 2229 W. Main St. • 355-6939

Have a Nice Day Cafe 11 S. 18th St. • 771-1700

Hill Cafe 2800 E. Broad St. • 648-0360 www.thehillcafe.com

Cary Street Cafe 2631 W. Cary St. • 353-7445

Out of Bounds 2701 W. Broad St. • 355-7390

Galaxy Diner 3109 W. Cary St. • 213-0510

The Corner Cafe 800 N. Cleveland • 355-1954

The Canal Club 1545 E. Cary St. • 643-2582

O’Briensteins 1548 E. Main St. • 648-6271

Secrets in the City 2001 E. Franklin St. • 343-1617

Hard Shell Cafe 1411 E. Cary St. • 643-2333

Cafe Diem 600 N. Sheppard St. • 353-2500

The Nanci Raygun 929 W. Grace St. • 353-4263

Fieldens 2033 W. Broad • 359-1963

Buffalo Wild Wings 7801 W. Broad St. • 672-8732

Catch 22 1718 E. Main St. • 343-1560

Mamma ‘Zu 501 S. Pine St. • 788-4205

Ipanema 917 W. Grace • 213-0170 Joe’s Inn 205 N. Shields Ave. • 355-2282 Legend Brewery 321 W. Seventh St. • 232-8871 Main Street Beer Company 1911 W. Main St. • 358-9620

Strawberry Street Cafe 421 N. Strawberry St. • 353-6860 Sticky Rice 2232 W. Main St. • 358.7870 Star-Lite 2600 W. Main St. • 254-2667 www.starlitediningandlounge.com Tiki Bob’s Cantina 110 N. 18th St. • 644-9091 The Tobacco Company 1201 E. Cary St. • 782-9555 Tonic 14 North 18th St. • 648-4300 Wildcats 9 North 17th Street

| GOSSIP

A Lil’ Birdie Told Me...

Monthly Gossip APRIL SPARROW

So Martha Stewart is a felon, what in the world will happen next?! All I know is she’ll be cooking her famous turkey for a lot more people this Thanksgiving! Moving on to my favorite topic, hair, Snoop Dog has decided to come out with his own shampoo, his reasoning behind it, “My hair smell so perty!” I’m just wondering if it will be for all hair types or just special breeds! On a funny note, 3 Doors Down’s bassist was in a little trouble recently.

They say he got 3 newspapers out of a machine after only paying for 1, and when the owner of the store approached him, he began to hit him! What the hell!

All I can figure is that he realized what band he played for and was in a really bad mood after his discovery!

Pink is now on a mission to deny her and Tommy Lee’s romance, saying he only kissed her on the cheek! Right! I think she’s just afraid he’ll kick her ass if she doesn’t say that! Let’s take a minute and feel the pain of a breakup – yes, Anna Kournikova and Enrique Inglesias are over! He is somewhere staring at himself in a mirror saying, “There is no other,” and she has moved on to men of other sorts, such as Mark Whalberg and Derek Jeter and so on and so forth!

Oscar news just in, Joan Rivers is still the scariest looking bitch alive! While we’re talking about old people, I talked to my grandma recently, who is only around 67 or so. I found out that she ran away at 15 with my grandpa who was 21 to get married! Yes folks, grandma lied and pulled a scandal and got knocked up at the age of 16 with my dad! Her parents didn’t like my grandpa for something like 15 years! It’s just weird to finally know the truth, I mean my grandma, a teenage bride and mother. But of course her excuse was, “It was different back then!” You know my reply was, “Nope, it’s all the same!” It’s just weird that my sweet grandma was a bad girl! Who knew?

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CHEW ON THIS MAGAZINE

|

APRIL 2004

GALAXY DINER “Home of the fried pickle” In the heart of Carytown 3109 W.Cary 804-213-0510 A cosmic theme Diner with a twist.

Friendly, Fried, and Far Out Full Bar Serving Breakfast Anytime

Chew Troopers VS Corporate Magazine Garbage...Write Your Own Adventure.

Chew On This is available at these fine locations: Downtown: 1421 3rd St. Diner 4th St. Café Accapella Awful Arthur’s Alley Katz The Bottom Line Dog House East End Dermagraphics Gutenberg The Hill Café Kulture Clothing Legends Matt’s Pub McCormack’s Millie’s NV Phat Bros. Penny Lane Poe’s Pub River City Diner Red Dragon Shockoe Espresso Velvet Fan: 821 Café 2525 All Star Deli Avalon Banditos Baja Bean Black Swan Bogarts Border Buddy’s Cary St. Café Chop Suey Taphouse Café Diem Curbside Enigma Tattoo Easy Street El Rio Grande Ink Tattoo Joes Inn Lost Sock Lombardy Market Katra Gala Kuba Kuba Mainly Pasta Main St. Beer Main Art Metro Grill MotoEuropa Mojo’s Mulligan’s Puddin Heads Picolla’s Patterson Express Out Of Bounds River City Tattoo Roxy Richmond Coin Laundry Sweet Peas Sticky Rice Southern Culture Sidewalk Café Star Lite - Rick Strawberry St. Market Strawberry St. Café Triple Triangle Uptown Color Video Fan World Cup Carytown: Adonis Babe’s Betsy’s Bev’s Carytown Burger’s & Fries Cosmopoitan Chopstix Coppola’s Carytown Books Dogma The Eatery Elwood Thompsons Galaxy Glass & Powder Great Wraps Guitar Works Look Mary Angelo’s Nacho Mama’s Need Supply Plan 9 Records Smoothie King Urban Artifacts Vanessa’s Wicked Redhead World Of Mirth VCU: Absolute Tattoo Adams Street Tattoo Coliseum Lofts Corner Café Corner Market Chugger’s Dose Café Exile Fieldens Harrison St. Coffee Hyperlink Café Ipanema Nanci Raygun Panda Garden Plaza Art Taquiro Loco Turnstyle Tapas Bar The Village Vcu - Johnson Hall Velocity West End: 17th St. Grove Ave. Coffee Mio’s Pizza Potters Pub Playing Field Stories Sharky’s Tower Records The Tavern Taboo South Side: Capitol Tattoo Crossroads Coffee Candybar Paper Moon Picasso Moon Pro Class Cycles Red Dragon Stories Charlottesville: Acme Tattoos Atlas Underground Capital Tattoo Coyote Millers Mudhouse Plan 9 Roots Tokyo Rose Virgina Beach: Chiacco’s Corner Surf Shop The Edge Live Zero’s

for submission and show info email jon@alocalmarket.com