Chew On This Magazine - February 2004 by Chew On This Magazine

piko42 A Pop Culture Trivia Game That Anyone Can Play! Feb 8th Sunday Night at Sticky Rice For more info or sample questions contact us at local@alocalmarket.com

CHEW ON THIS MAGAZINE Series 2 | Episode 2 | February 2004

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Donald Duck MANAGING EDITOR Lander Salzberg ASSOCIATE EDITOR Jonathan Martin ASSISTANT EDITOR Kirsten Lewis COPY EDITOR Emily Upton GRAPHIC DESIGN Justin Vaughan ILLUSTRATION EDITOR Anthony Harris FASHION EDITOR Meghan Hoyle ADVERTISING DIRECTOR Jonathan Martin DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Lander Salzberg CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Cameron Ayers, Bubbles, Christian Detres, Daniel Robert Epstein, Filthy Apes, Kevin Gallagher, Igor, Alison Miller, Jason Olson, Ryan Pollack, April Sparrow, Rebekah Trachtenburg CONTRIBUTING ILLUSTRATORS Christian Detres, Sterling Hundley CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Morgan Huff, Phil Noe

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The advertising and articles appearing within this publication reflect the opinions and attitudes of their respective authors and not necessarily those of the publisher or editors. Chew On This Magazine is published monthly and is free of charge. All material within this magazine is © 2004. Chew On This Magazine is a registered trademark of Local Market, L.L.C. mail 2130 W. Main St. email info@alocalmarket.com. phone 4055001

You this is love, I say you’re full of shit.

CHEW ON THIS | CONTENTS ART

FASHION

FUN STUFF

1 Robots In Love

19 Separate Ways

MUSIC

SEX

43 Website 44 Crossword

2 Be Kind, Please Rewind 5 Making Up Is Always Sweeter Than Breaking Up

FILM 9 Zalman King 12 Angerwood Babylon

LOCAL 13 You Should’ve Seen The Other Guy 15 Piko 42

27 29 30 31 33

Love: Porn Star Style Girl Talk Cupid, My Dealer Homo-Genes Ladies Only

VALENTINES DAY 37 39 40 41

Fuck The Romans I Love Cookies Mood Music Gettin’ Booty

LISTINGS 47 Show Listings 49 Brunch Late Night Karaoke Weekly Stuff Classifieds 50 The List

GOSSIP 51 A Lil’ Birdie Told Me...

| ART

Robots In Love The Art of R. Nicholas Kuszyk MR. DUCK

Nick is an extremely prolific artist that lives in Jackson Ward, and this is where he orchestrated his soon to be released Robot War. Series upon series of “cells” are hitting the Chop Suey bookstore this Valentine’s Day. Each of the miniature pieces looks more like a single frame, taken right out of a movie. And if one was to figure out the plot, they could prevent the takeover. But who would want to? Bright colors light up Nick’s work. Not ashamed to use pink, bright yellow or baby blue, his art reflects robots conversing, breaking each other and loving one another. Working on found-objects and paint he wastes nothing. Nick’s workspace in the ward appears to be an abandoned house. Old cracked windows let light in the dusty room. In the corner of the main room is a modest desk with every color of Vaiable on hand. Nick graduated from VCU with a degree in Painting and Printmaking. He says that his sculpture teachers, Don Crowe, Myron Healgott and Fonticus Dondilicutti, left a mark on him and his work. One of his most memorable performance pieces was at Art Space, where he took his grant money and dispersed it behind all 1000 of his pieces. The money, in denominations of 1’s, 5’s, 10’s, 20’s, and 100’s, was gobbled up by many hungry new art collectors. In just 10 minutes the frenzied mob devoured the art, taking the money and the pieces. Some people even broke the pieces apart and hit each other with them. Nick says his intent was to let the people take the money, but not the art. Now all that’s left is a few recovered pieces, and a great experience. The VA Museum, which granted him the money, has decided that he is no longer eligible for further grants. Nick likes his coffee hot, black, and served at his favorite coffee shop, Dose, on 2nd St. If you get the chance, stop on by, he’s probably planning more of his Robot Invasion. Nick has shown his work in New York, Cincinnati, D.C., Savannah, Ga., and has an upcoming show February 14th at Chop Suey Books, 1317 W. Cary St.

CHEW ON THIS MAGAZINE

FEBRUARY 2004

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “February 7th. 2130 W. Main St. 5pm.”]

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “Walk North on Sheilds.”]

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FEBRUARY 2004

| MUSIC

Be Kind, Please Rewind An Interview with VCR CHRISTIAN DETRES

VCR is a rare thing in Richmond. They have received instant success, adulation and reverence as a true event band. Their shows are anticipated weeks in advance and command a rabid following. I sat down with Mya, Chad and Casey to see how they’ve achieved their signature sound and where they plan to go with it. Keep in mind they’ve yet to sign to a label, have no booking agent, and yet, are already one of the most talked about bands in Richmond.

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FEBRUARY 2004

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “Turn Right into 2nd alley.”]

Christian Detres: Your musical backgrounds in the hardcore world suggest an inevitable sound. However, you’ve opted for a much more synthdriven mode. How did that happen? Chad: Well, Mya has played piano since she was three years old and we had a lack of real guitar talent. The keyboards were initially intended to flesh out the guitar but ended up really being the core of our music. It wasn’t a decision really, it kind of just happened that way. CD: Did you have a real cohesive vision of what you wanted to accomplish – to have the uber-band that

goes on tour for months at a time and sells thousands of records? Mya: NO, we just want to have fun. I mean we’re all just a bunch of friends who go out and drink together, have fun and party. I think fun was the endeavor. We thought we’d all have a good time playing music and occasionally have a show here and there. The response to VCR has been completely unexpected. CD: You have an EP out right now that frankly, I think is amazing. I honestly can’t believe you’ve gotten so much attention with only six songs recorded. Are you currently planning a full-length album? Mya: No, not really. We hope to have another single out soon and we’d love to do an album soon, but that’s on the horizon. I think we’ll start with another 7” and see where that takes us. We’re practicing a lot and what’s really cool is I think everybody’s really finding their niche right now. CD: You’ve gotten a great reputation in Richmond already, but how’re the out of town shows? Are you getting the love away from home? Chad: It’s funny; it’s hit or miss. We end up playing in front of crowds that are expecting your average guitarbass-drums punk rock and then they get us. I think the crowds that are truly out to go to a show and have fun – dance and enjoy listening to live music - get us and have good time. We do meet a lot of audiences that spend the entire set with their arms crossed with confused looks on their faces. What’s really confusing is that a lot of them will approach us afterwards and compliment us – it’s hard to tell sometimes. We haven’t played all that many shows outside Richmond actually. We have a little mini-tour planned right now that’ll take us to Philly and then New York. We’re really psyched about that. CD: What are your goals? Where do you see yourself going with the band? Mya: Well, we’re starting to get a lot of attention from labels right now. We just want to make smart choices about what we do, not get stressed out and be able to keep partying with our friends and have a good time. We’ll just have to see where the future takes us. We’re content to ride this wave out as far as it will take us.

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “Take a Left out of the alley.”]

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FEBRUARY 2004

| MUSIC

Making Up Is Always Sweeter Than Breaking Up An Interview with Boneanchor JASON OLSEN | MORGAN HUFF

It’s been ten years to the month since I first experienced a band called Frog Legs at a basement party on Franklin Street. It was what you might call a life-altering experience. After a couple decent recordings, one personnel change, and a rigorous playing schedule, the band amicably decided to fold. I was deeply hurt. How could they do this? Where was I going to go dancing every week? Eventually I had to buck up and move on, but I never gave up hope that my favorite band would some day return…and now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Boneanchor. The lineup brings Wrenn Mangum on the microphone, Turtle on Bass, Morgan Huff on the skins, and Tom Ilmensee on the Guitar. We met at Corner Café for red beans and rice with plenty of hot sauce.

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FEBRUARY 2004

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “Walk diagonal towards the Baby Blue House.”]

Jason Olsen: I’m ecstatic about the reunion. How did it come about? Tom: Here’s how it worked out. We were all at Morgan’s wedding, full of love and beer, a real family affair. We played some of the old songs without missing a beat. Everybody was dancing. It was just so… Turtle: They [Morgan and Wrenn] made arrangements to play it. When they invited us up it was like, “Thank God!” Just the opportunity to jam was amazing. It was like coming home. It was the band I knew I needed to be in. There’s footage out there, somewhere. Tom: Bridgette [Morgan’s bride] was mad because we were making Morgan work so hard on drums. That’s love. Morgan: It was an outdoor wedding, under a tent. The feeling was so good all around. I thought about getting the guys together, but I’m in the middle of getting married, so I’m not going to even mention it. At some point, friends started to push the guys up to the stage, and I remember there was even a little chant from the guests. JO: I wish I’d been there. After that initial reunion, how did the ball start rolling again? Wrenn: We started from scratch. Which means: try and do what we always have, make the best music we can possibly make. We played a showcase for a major record company. Just two songs, but right out of the gate to have that sort of attention was good. Tom: We had all tried so hard to do it without each other and it just didn’t work. We’re older, wiser, just a little more serious. All of the hang-ups and complications were gone. After all the years, music remains so important. Turtle: We used to have to win the crowd over. Wrong venue, wrong atmosphere, right band. Things were a free-for-all. It burned us out after a while. JO: Turtle, do you look forward to recording? Turtle: Absolutely! That’s one of those things, “I hope I get to make another record!” Tom: Wrenn’s got the overall vision.

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “Head due East one block.”]

Wrenn: Now the lyrics are personal. Stripped of pretense. No heirs to it at all. Tom: It’s more courageous to do it this way, because it’s what’s in his heart. We’re more fearless, confident. We can burn through all the dark emotions more efficiently. Wrenn: Instead of the lyrics being the Westhampton Theatre, it’s more Short Pump 14. Who wants to read sub-titles all the time? It was important to me to not detract from the music. We’re playing our stories now. JO: How does it feel to be back together again? Wrenn: You have something that feels so right, essential to your basic quality of life; it creates a tremendous void when it’s gone. When you strip away all of the business aspects, the hustle, the traveling, what really is the most important thing is people and friends. It doesn’t feel right to not be with these guys. I’ve yet to find musicians that I have better chemistry with. Boneanchor will be opening for Atomizer at Mojo’s on Saturday, February 14th at 11 PM. And bring a date, it’s Valentine’s Day.

CHEW ON THIS MAGAZINE

FEBRUARY 2004

1708 Gallery – 319 W. Broad, 643-1708

Lora Robbins Gallery – University of Richmond, 289-8276

Agecroft Hall & Gardens – 4305 Sulgrave Rd, 353-4241

Main St Gallery – 1537 W. Main, 359-3499

Artemis Gallery – 1601 W. Main, 353-2676

Marsh Art Gallery – University of Richmond, 289-8279

Artists Downtown Access – 228 W. Broad, 644-0100

Maymont – 1700 Hampton St, 358-7166

Artspace – 6 E. Broad, 782-8672

Museum of the Confederacy – 201 E. Clay St, 648-1861

Astra Gallery – 3141 W. Cary, 257-5467

Orange Door Gallery– 12 W. Broad, 648-7771

Black History Museum – 00 Clay St, 780-9093

Richmond History Center – 1015 E. Clay, 649-0711

Brazier Gallery – 3401 W. Cary, 359-2787

Richmond Public Library – 101 E. Franklin, 646-4740

Chasen Gallery – 3554 W. Cary, 204-1048

Science Museum of Virginia – 2500 W. Broad, 864-1400

Children’s Museum of Richmond – 2626 W. Broad, 470-7010

The University of Richmond Museum – University of Richmond, 289-8276

Corporate & Museum Frame – 301 W. Broad, 643-6858

Upcast Gallery – 321 Brook Rd, 225-7171

Cudahy’s – 1314 E. Cary, 782-1776

Uptown Gallery – 1305 W. Main, 353-8343 www.upcastgallery.com

Dementi Studios – 3851 Springfield Rd, 648-9003 For Art’s Sake Gallery – 3451 W. Cary, 353-8101 Hand Workshop Art Center – 1812 W. Main, 353-094 Ink Tattoo & Art – 1825A W. Main, 359-4755 John Muir Gallery–6 N. Sixth St. Suite 102, 594-0855 Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens – 1800 Lakeside Ave, 262-9887

Virginia Aviation Museum – International Airport, 236-3622 Virginia Holocaust Museum – 2000 E. Cary St, 257-5400 Virginia Historical Society – 428 N. Boulevard, 358-4901 Virginia Museum – 2800 Grove Ave, 340-1400 Virginia Science Museum – 2500 W. Broad, 864-1400 Visual Art Studio – 208 W. Broad, 644-1368

Library of Virginia – 800 E. Broad, 692-3592

Byrd Theatre – 2908 W. Cary St, 353-9911 Carmike 10 – 1100 Alverser Dr, 897-0888 Commonwealth 20 – 5001 Commonwealth, 744-2600 Crossings Cinema – 5246 Oaklawn Blvd, 458-0555 Ethyl IMAX Dome & Planetarium – 2500 W. Broad St, 864-1400 Regal Chester Cinemas – 13025 Jefferson Davis Highway, 796-5911 Regal Short Pump 14 – 11650 W. Broad St, 360-0947

Regal Southpark Cinema 6 – 374 Southpark Mall, 526-8100 Regal Virginia Center 20 – 10091 Jeb Stuart Pkwy, 261-5411 Regal Westhampton Theatre – 5706 Grove Ave, 288-9007 UA Chesterfield Town Center – 11500 Midlothian Tnpk, 379-7800 UA West Tower – 8998 W. Broad St, 270-7111

| FILM

Zalman King DANIEL ROBERT EPSTEIN

Zalman King helped me become a man in the 1980’s more so than my Bar Mitzvah or even stealing my father’s Playboy magazines. As the co-writer and director of many erotic films such as Nine 1/2 Weeks, Two Moon Junction and Wild Orchid he actually made me believe I could see my favorite female movie stars naked. Daniel Robert Epstein: It’s a pleasure to talk to you. When I was a kid your films made me very happy. Delta of Venus just came out on DVD for the first time. Was the combination of Anais Nin and Zalman King inevitable? Zalman King: [laughs] I don’t know. It seems like it because it made sense. DRE: Were you surprised that a book written in the 1930’s could still be relevant now? ZK: No because of Henry Miller. His stuff is still wildly relevant and so is hers. She’s sort of Henry Miller’s female counterpoint. DRE: You’ve always worked with stars in your movies, like Mickey Rourke, David Duchovny and Matt LeBlanc. Just having your name attached they can end up being controversial. How do you get them to be in your films? ZK: Usually the scripts and roles are pretty good. There are a lot of great actors to work with if they feel comfortable. I think the success of Nine 1/2 Weeks [released in 1986] and my other films helps a lot. Going into these films you have a real shot of possibly breaking through and doing a fabulous performance. DRE: You’re very good at presenting these sexually charged tales through women’s eyes. ZK: Definitely. Delta is probably the most significant piece because the way we chose to do the story was about a woman who gives up the idea of romance for her own sexual liberation. As the film progresses she becomes more and more in touch with her own sexuality and sensuality. She takes control of it and by the end of the film she is on her own and forsakes her lover because she is having too much fun being liberated. DRE: Are these movies your personal fantasies or are they what you think other people enjoy seeing? ZK: They are not my personal fantasies because most of them I tell from a woman’s point of view. I don’t know if I even have fantasies I think I’m beyond it [laughs]. I sort of live this privileged life with tremendous entrée into the erotic world and all kinds of worlds. I’m not even voyeuristic; I don’t know what I am. DRE: I would imagine as a young man you were either very repressed or not repressed, which one was it? ZK: I was sort of in the middle. I’ve been married for a long time, over 40 years. My wife and I wrote Nine 1/2 Weeks and Wild Orchid together. My wife wrote Delta of Venus as well. My daughter is a writer as well and she wrote some episodes of Red Shoes. We actually have a very normal family. But Delta is a phenomenally sexy movie. DRE: A lot of critics call your work soft-core porn. ZK: Yes which I find a bit humiliating. I think they miss the point but what are you going to do. It’s unfortunate because some of the films get marginalized because they call them that. I think it’s a shame because Delta of Venus is not soft-core porn, it has very big themes and it’s got very strong characters. DRE: When you sit down to write do you say to yourself, I am going to write a story with sex or does it just come out that way? ZK: Well no, with Delta of Venus it was adapting a book, Nine 1/2 Weeks was from a diary. I had written Two Moon Junction [released in 1988] before Nine 1/2 Weeks. But I guess I do sometimes. I like pushing boundaries and watching women go through experiences. DRE: How do you see sex in the 21st Century? ZK: The women that I know and dig treat sex the way men treat sex. They got the guys they want; they fuck them and go on with their lives. Also bisexuality is very strong.

CHEW ON THIS MAGAZINE

FEBRUARY 2004

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “Take a Left. Walk.”]

FILM

Angerwood Babylon KEVIN GALLAGHER

There are a lot of great films about love and even more about sex, but very few that balance the two sincerely. One of the best is Kenneth Anger’s 1964 film Scorpio Rising. It is an honest, well-crafted film about idolizing bikers as sex toys. There is no tangible plot, just a series of vignettes where bikers clean their engines as if they want their bikes to orgasm, preen themselves, go to an S&M orgy, and then fulfill their fantasies of being James Dean by crashing their bikes. This is Kenneth Anger’s wet dream. The film has no dialogue but is instead overlaid with an unceasing soundtrack of pop music. Nothing says leather like bubblegum pop of the fifties and sixties. However, the songs are less ironic than they seem. The images are innocent enough for the first half of the film, just some wannabe tough guys cleaning their bikes, honing their fashion, and idolizing Marlon Brando. But the lyrics placed over the imagery draws the sexuality out of the scenes. Through the music, the sensuality and the alluring danger of these boy toys emerge. The music creates a circle. The beats don’t correspond to the darkness of some of the themes, but the lyrics act to convey Anger’s feelings for the subjects. Then connecting the music back on itself, the beats time with the edits that Anger uses to juxtapose the themes, which then connect with the lyrics...etc. Unfortunately, though the music is one of the strengths of the film, it is also its downfall. There are so many popular songs used, that there is no way for a distribution company to sell the short film and still recoup the cost of the rights to all the music. Mystic

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “Take a Right into the alley (Caritas will lead you, 3 blocks).”]

Fire Video once sold it but has since given up trying to hold the rights for the music. Hopefully, one day a film philanthropist, like Martin Scorsese, will drop the cash so the film can reach a wider audience. Audiences don’t just need to see the film for its technical strengths. This film still carries its themes well. Anger insists that the film is more a commentary on society than a homosexual statement. But the theme is conveyed through the slant of a gay statement, and this is what remains pertinent. Today when we see homosexuality presented in the mainstream media, it is carefully subdued. “Will and Grace” is about as nonthreatening and sugar-coated as an intense episode of “7th Heaven.” Kenneth Anger made no attempt to make his sexuality more palatable for audiences. He stuck it right out there and let it be known that Gay, Nazi Bikers get him off. Not many people would admit that their perfect man is equal parts James Dean, Adolf Hitler, Jesus Christ and Marlon Brando. The film’s ability to continue shocking audiences is more important than what the film means to cinema history. Society still craves idols and is still unwilling to accept homosexuality. What if someone was dressed up like Hedwig on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?” The media wants their gay men to be as passive as they want their women to be. This is why Kenneth Anger’s film still means something even after all his innovations have been bastardized by MTV, that or maybe Sergei Eisenstein did it all first, and Anger and I are both hacks.

CHEW ON THIS MAGAZINE

FEBRUARY 2004

LOCAL

You Should’ve Seen The Other Guy The Rough N’ Rowdy Brawl CHRISTIAN DETRES

So there I was at Catch 22, Thursday night, convincing Chris Smith, the promoter of the 3rd annual Rough and Rowdy Brawl, to allow me to join the throng of cavemen, they had obviously bussed in from the Neolithic era, in the ring this weekend. He laughed when I told him I was a writer on assignment covering the event and handed over the proper release forms. By the end of the night I was a licensed prizefighter competing in the heavyweight division of 175 to 400lbs. Note: I weighed in at 198lbs. I secretly held the belief this would be my last weekend on earth.

the second round we circled for a bit before landing some fierce blows about the head, wearing us down for the third and final minute of our fight. In the third we were both visibly spent. I went for the body and landed some point-worthy shots that fortunately left him more out of breath than me. I saw an opening that gave me a solid left to his face…that one put him on his ass with blood dripping from his nose. The bell! It’s over! I was in disbelief when the ref raised my arm in victory and confirmed my return the next night to fight in the finals tournament.

Friday: Day of the fight. As I consumed numerous cups of coffee and contemplated my literary deadlines, I received argument after argument from my coworkers as to why I was a complete idiot for having agreed to do this. Enough confidence was placed in me that the Production department insisted on taking a slew of “before” pictures as I headed off to the Coliseum. When I arrived, I went through the preliminary physicals, hand-wrapping, and taming of the gastronic butterflies.

Saturday night, Single-elimination finals: There are 40 of us left in the competition and not a sissy in sight. My fight tonight is with a man (and I use the term loosely) who has a giant lobotomy scar on his head and has taken to sending me hateful gazes every chance he gets. A thug leaves the ring in a stretcher right before our fight. I’m contemplating the eventual comfort of the stretcher as I walk onto center stage. The crowd cheers, well at least the part of the crowd that I called and told to be there for my demise. The bell sounds and I’m beset upon by a 270-pound mental patient with the fury I apparently left at home. It was almost comical as he chased me, Bugs Bunny-style, around the ring. I stood my ground as he pummeled me, and got a few good shots in myself. I eventually bloodied his nose and sent him to the mat too – but just my luck, he got up again. Three rounds later I lost in a decision that thankfully gave me a pass on doing this stupid thing anymore.

The competition begins and I’m 23rd on the fight roster. My opponent is a couple inches taller and a few pounds lighter than me. Bout after bout plays out in the center ring to the cheers of 1000+ people eagerly awaiting a chance dismemberment, or if they’re lucky, a fatality or two. The sweat and fear is palpable and smells like acrid destruction in my nostrils. I enter the ring with the psuedonuym “Chewbacca” (get it?), and try to remember all of the jab, uppercut, stick-andmove combinations I had been practicing for the last few hours. I remembered NOTHING when the bell rung and my executioner came barreling at me in a hail of flying fists. I took a few on the chin, shoulder, ear, etc. for a minute then remembered I was supposed to hit him back. The higher brain functions switched off and I countered with my own battery of punches. In

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “BEWARE OF DOG”]

Is there an upside to any of this? I say yes. I tested my mettle. I know where I stand. I’m now a licensed boxer in the Commonwealth of Virginia with an even 1 – 1 record. Do I suggest this nonsense to anyone with a lick of reason to live? HELL NO. Will I do this again next year? HELL YES. I’m retarded like that.

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FEBRUARY 2004

| LOCAL

Piko 42

There’s A New Game In Town JONATHAN MARTIN

Piko 42, what the hell is that and what does it stand for? Piko, being the name of a good luck cat and 42 as in the meaning of life. That’s the name. It’s basically a trivia game that everyone can play. Tables become teams and strangers become cheaters. Our MC Extraordinary asks the players trivia questions on pop culture, music, and entertainment as well as questions about Richmond. Who gets to compete, what kind of people are you looking for? Well, everyone gets to compete in the first round. 15 questions are asked, whichever team has the most correct answers advances to the 2nd round called “sing or swim”. Video clips or lyrics will be given to the contestant and there they must complete the dare. What are the questions like? What are the names of the 7 hills of Richmond? Dave Matthews played at which bar every Wednesday for free? The Cowboy Junkies wrote a song about Richmond, name the song? She “hit us with her

CHEW ON THIS MAGAZINE

FEBRUARY 2004

best shot,” what high school did this popular 80’s diva go too? Sticky Rice has been known to make TV shows out of vacations, cross-country hunts, is this being filmed as well? To start, this game will not be video taped for air, but we’ll see. How do you win? What do you win? How you win is simple...the best team advances to the 3rd round where the reigning champion (winners from each week get to stay and compete against the new winners until they are un-seated) picks a topic and they go head to head. When? Feb 8th is the first one. After that it’s every Sunday. Do you have to eat worms? Do you have a worm fetish? No Comment.

��

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “PICK UP AFTER YOUR PET”]

ROCK TEES

DEADSTOCK SHOES

T O N S O F J E W E L RY

M I L A N O PA Z Z O S H O E S

B E LT S & B U C K L E S

BARWARE M O D E R N A N D V I N TA G E

CLOTHING, FURNITURE & HOUSEWARES

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Separate Ways

Emily–Michal Negrin “ Swarovski Crystal Flower Cuff” $190, Kendra Scot “Chandelier Earrings” $ 110 Elmer–Standard American Leisure Shirt $32

Someday love will find you

Emily–To The Max! “Tube Dress” $62

Elmer–Vintage Sport Coat $24, Standard Issue Tee-Shirt $14,

Asics “Martial Arts Shoes” $72

Emily–Tibi “Mod Dress” $203, Kendra Scot “Drop Earrings” $92, Guess “Corner “ Boot $199 (Sale $149)

Elmer–Standard American Tee-Shirt $24

Break those cha i n s that bind you

Emily–Free People “Sequin Chiffon Dress” $98, Mariana “Jeweled Pendant “ $191, Luichiny “HH186” Lace Up Heel $89 (Sale $66)

You Know I still love you

And went oeruarte ways sep Emily–Milly (Suit) “Fitted Jacket” $316 / “Low-Waist” Pant $196, Tarina Tarrentino “Four Strand Lucite Necklace” $180

Elmer–Penguin “Striped Sweater” $59, Diesel “Rabox Jeans” $149, Asics “Martial Arts Shoes” $72

Models–Emily and Elmer Pink–Kimberly Wesson Need Supply Co–Rudy Lopez City Shoes–Dianne Nordt Stylist–Meriel Thornley Photographer–Philip Noe

| SEX

Love: Porn Star Style ALISON MILLER OF TABOO | CHRISTIAN DETRES

Because of Valentine’s Day, my February Chew On This assignment was to write something involving “love” or “romance.” I tried to write a sweet love-type article but the nausea that it induced made it unbearable. I considered a bitchy “love sucks” theme but figured I’d let bad radio keep the topic. After four days of sitting in my sex store trying to find romance with the rolling stud vibrator, it hit me—porn star love! If porn stars can make relationships work then certainly there’s hope for the rest of us. Jenna Jameson, for example, is happily married to a man that helps her run her multi-million dollar business, Jenna Inc. Sure, he is her second husband, but she still gets along with her first, director Brad Armstong, (well enough to star in his movies including one in which she takes revenge on her cheating husband). But how do Jenna and her new man stay so happy? No anal with others. Apparently it is possible to have sex with men and women, threesomes, and gangbangs, and still enjoy a healthy relationship. Adult film stars Nicole Sheridan and Voodoo have been married for two years. They’re committed and the rules are stricter. There may be no “one on one” sex. Anal, oral, DP’s, and group sex are only tolerated when the other is present. And since they’re both porn stars this is not too hard to arrange. Ninety-pound Asian sensation Kobe Tai also wed an adult star, Mark Davis. I was a little put off by this at first, since Mark is my third favorite male porn star, but I forgave Kobe after her cute appearance on The Man Show. This couple sets no limits and is rumored to have some of the best on-screen chemistry in the business. In a recent interview Kobe even named Mark her favorite actor. Aww. [Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “Take a Right out of alley. Walk.”]

Jill Kelly has done better than a favorite actor, she’s found her “soul mate.” Director Corey Jordan (once divorced) wed Jill (twice divorced) last September. An entire five months into their marriage Corey still beams when he speaks of Jill, naming her his goddess and his one and only love. He also boasts that Jill exhibits great “mommy skills” when it comes to taking care of his son. No word yet on the sexual limits of their new marriage. Some adult stars are so dedicated to their significant others that they quit the business altogether. Jenna Jameson walked away from porn for love. (She returned a year later.) Nikki Tyler, one of Jenna’s friends and old flings, retired in 1996 for her husband and did not return. Before she left the industry she tried a women-only policy. It must not have worked for her, but it does for Janine who quit sleeping with men several years ago for her husband. The drastic steps that these women have taken are inspirations to us all. I figure there are only two types of people on Valentine’s Day, single and taken. No matter which group you fall into, you can learn something from porn stars. My single friends now know that love can find them no matter what their profession, their level of commitment, or the percentage of their body that is made of silicone. Those already in relationships have learned to stop trying so hard, all you really need to make a marriage work is to avoid anal sex with others and limit your gang bangs to the times when your spouse is around. Remember these things and this Valentine’s Day could be your best one yet. Taboo is located at 6021 W. Broad St. 804.440.8228

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FEBRUARY 2004

| SEX

Girl Talk The Truth About That Choking Thing REBEKAH TRACHTENBURG

Sometimes I get so immersed in slinging drinks, cracking open a can of paint, sneaking a couple of hours into the darkroom, writing for this magazine, 30 minutes to strip down to nothing but my socks and a man with a bulge to squeeze in a rushed orgasm, that I misplace any extra time to spend with my girlfriends. This event only takes place every couple of months due to the recovery time required after girls night out, however we finally made plans to get together for a night of ridiculousness. After a few hours of, “Can I get another?” and “One more round of shots when you get a chance,” our brains were numb and mouths were rocketing. I’m not sure what propelled the comment but, “Sometimes I just want to get fucked. You know, get thrown against the refrigerator, hike down the pants, and just get railed,” made it’s way out of my mouth and onto the cocktail covered table. They stopped for a moment, looked at me inquisitively, and eventually piped in. “Whoa, have you already done it on my new refrigerator?” my roommate inquired. “I’ve only done it in the living room once, no twice. And that time on your bed.” We began giggling like fourth graders at a slumber party talking about the cutest boy in school and how he likes to kiss behind the monkey bars. “I’m definitely into being dominated from time to time. Not that choking thing you’re into, but being tied down, blind folded, an occasional spanking,” my friend said rekindling a kinky past.

just a firm grip. And no, I’ve never even made out in the kitchen let alone cum on the counter.” The conversation traveled from bedroom to bedroom, boy to boy. We educated each other on new and exciting positions and learned more about each other’s vaginal cravings than we ever needed to. It was unanimous, a penis in the pooper causes nothing but pain, but a finger or two is erotic, arousing, and orgasm enhancing. Equally, a man who talks dirty, yet sternly, is definitely a huge turn on. The night eventually moved out of the bedroom and onto the dance floor and from that point on my memory is a little hazy. A couple of days later I began thinking about men, women, and communication when it comes to sex. Out of the bedroom couples have no problem telling each other what it is that they want and need, but once that door closes and the bed sheets are unavoidable many people have a hard time telling their partner what feels good, where to touch, how fast to suck, how long to tease, and how hard to screw. I believe the most important thing is that both people feel comfortable enough to express their desires, fantasies, and fetishes. I also believe that sexual satisfaction permeates through all the other layers of your life. I’m not a specialist or doctor, psychotherapist or researcher. I really don’t have any answers to sex and love. I’m just a young, single woman who observes and listens, experiments and questions. I’m just a girl who occasionally wants to be thrown up against the refrigerator.

“First of all,” I responded after the last sip of my watered down beverage. “You should just try the choking thing at least once. It’s not so you can’t breathe

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FEBRUARY 2004

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “Stop at the sign.”]

Cupid, My Dealer The Science of Love REBEKAH TRACHTENBURG

While falling in love might seem all magical and romantic, the fact is, it’s a series of biologically produced drugs that your body releases into the system called monoamines. Dopamine makes you feel good, norepinephrine (chemical cousin of amphetamines) stimulates the production of adrenaline, and serotonin causes excitement. It is the combination of these three neurochemicals that trigger a lustful feeling for someone else. People have been said to be “stupid in love.” This statement is actually somewhat true, for these chemicals interact with other neurotransmitters causing the brain to become overloaded from time to time. Phenylethylamine (PEA), is the chemical responsible for the transition from lust to love. This chemical speeds up the flow of information between nerve cells. It causes the body to feel excited. Unfortunately, our body builds up a tolerance to these drugs over a period of time and eventually it takes more and more of the chemicals to achieve the effects. PEA remains increased for the first two to three years in most relationships. An anthropologist by the name of Helen Fisher conducted a series of studies on PEA and marriages all across the world. She noticed a significant increase in divorce rates during the fourth year of marriage. Although PEA or a lack there of, is not a cause of divorce, there is a strong correlation between the two. In another study conducted by Harville Hendrix, he identified an increased production of PEA in individuals when they identified someone who could finish their childhood business or give them back what they lost due to the socialization process of becoming an adult. This theory has been used to explain why, although you might find someone attractive, there is just “no chemistry.” Love junkies can’t seem to get enough of PEA and often find themselves jumping from one relationship to another, seeking a continuous high. As soon as they feel a decrease in their drug’s effect, they quickly move on to a new dealer. Due to the decrease in PEA over a period of time, it is essential that the chemical oxytocin be produced for a long-term relationship to last. Oxytocin is often referred to as the attachment or cuddling chemical, for it is produced when couples cuddle before, during, and after sex. The more frequently two people have sex, the more this chemical is produced, and the more attached they become to one another. Interestingly, the more a married couple has sex, the better their chances of honoring their wedding vows for life. Oxytocin is also the chemical produced during childbirth, breast-feeding, and orgasm. Relationship longevity relies heavily on the last of the drugs, endorphins. These morphine-like opiates cause a calm, pain-killing, pleasure-enhancing effect. They are increased with intimacy, dependability, trust, and affection. Couples are capable of becoming addicted to endorphins. They are responsible for the yearning to be with your partner when geographically apart. They are crucial chemicals due to the fact that only 3% of mammals are monogamous, and humans are not one of them.

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “Walk to the East…”]

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FEBRUARY 2004

| SEX

Homo-Genes BUBBLES

“As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore they must recruit our children.” Anita Bryant, 1977 This ignorant statement triggers a very heated debate: is there a gay gene? Are individuals homosexual because of some inherited trait or because they choose this lifestyle based on some environmental trigger experienced in their childhood. There have been many studies on this subject, but none that have yet to prove that there is a “gay gene.” Though science has yet to prove there is an exact chromosome carrying homosexuality, it is more believable than the popular myth that being gay is a chosen lifestyle that can be cured by taking a pill or being saved at the local church. The real question is what happens when science does prove that being gay is genetic like the color of one’s skin or eyes? On one side there are some homosexuals that believe if it is proven that homosexuality is something you are born with, then people will begin to be more accepting of the homosexual lifestyle. That’s a nice thought, but there are those bible-beaters and rednecks just itchin’ to shit on that concept. Their thought would be, great, it’s genetic so now we can fix all them “freaks” and everyone will be “normal”. So what will happen if there is a “gay gene,” one that can be removed from one’s child if so desired? There are now genetic tests that can detect genetic abnormalities that may affect a person’s potential to have a healthy child. If a person chooses to have a child knowing it will be homosexual, will the child condemn that parent later? When given this knowledge, what will the politicians do with it? Dr. Eric Viliain raises an interesting conclusion in this quote, “Finding a ‘Gay Gene’ would theoretically make gay marriage a political requirement. If you could not do anything about being homosexual than you should be entitled to the same rights as heterosexuals in regards to marriage and any rights of inheritance.” It’s safe to say that this whole debate is only the beginning. Humans are notorious for being cruel to people and situations that differ from their own, but why can’t we all just get along?

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FEBRUARY 2004

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “One block.”]

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| SEX

Ladies Only A Survey of Love, Relationships, and Sex Chew hosted its first annual ladies-lock-in. We took 6 local Richmond women and styled them out with a night of relaxation so that they could answer some serious questions. Thanks to the ladies at Beauty Happy Hour, the new mobile spa, for coming out and taking care of the ladies. While getting their pedicures, manicures, massages and tarot card readings, these girls let us take a closer look into their world. During the lock-in they answered some candid questions about love, relationships, and favorite sexual positions. THE MEANING OF LIFE. What do women want from men? 1 - Everything. Treated like a queen. A little bit of housewife. A little bit of a whore. Women want a best friend and an attentive lover. 4 - Honesty. How hard is it to tell the truth? 6 - Is there a meaning? When we’re ready we want them to come running. When we’re done with them, leave us the hell alone! PERSONAL. What do you look for in a one-night-stand? 1 - I love the animal attraction, when you look across the room and want to tear his clothes off. 2 - Hot and easy. 6 - Sex. If you’ve ever faked it, why? 1 - Of course I have. I usually fake it so the guy I’m fucking will hurry up and get off me. 4 - Yes, because it’s enough already. I like to compile my grocery list sometimes, it makes the time go by faster and when I think of food I can moan. 5 - Absolutely. To get it over with. What do you look for in a good relationship? 2 - I don’t have these, so it’s safe to say I don’t look for them. 4 - Trust, honesty, mutual respect, love letters. 5 - For my boyfriend to not get so shit faced that he can’t get it up. How long do you like sex to last? 2 - Until I get off. 4 - Depends. If it’s good, forever. If it’s bad, get it fucking over with. 6 - Till the passion dies.

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “Turn towards the Star…”]

How old were you when you had your first orgasm? 1 – Twelve 2 – Eighteen 3 – Seventeen 4 – Twelve 5 – Ten 6 – Dunno? Do you tell your friends the down-and-dirty details about you and your guy in the sac? 4 - If I like him, no. 5 - We are women, what do you think? 6 - Hell yea! How do you care for the hair down there? 1 - Shave and trim. It’s the one time that less is better. 2 - I definitely mow the lawn; fur pie doesn’t sell! 4 - Brazilian If you had the chance, would you have saved your virginity for your husband? 2 - Too late to wonder. 4 - No, how absurd! 6 - No. Hell no! Why would I want to marry him he can’t lay it on me! What first attracts you to a guy? 1 - Confidence. 2 - Smell, looks, conversation. 3 - Attitude. 4 - Intelligence, confidence, humor…in that order. 5 - If he makes me laugh. 6 - His look and personality.

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FEBRUARY 2004

What is your ideal seduction date? 1 - The little details go a long way. Good food, good wine, and the right lighting. 4 - Foot massage, a movie. Tell me I’m amazing. I’m easy, you can just take me to McDonald’s. 5 - Cocktails, dancing, hot tubs, and massage. What’s your favorite thing about your guy? 1 - I love long talks. Sounds cheesy, but it’s true. 5 - That there isn’t just one. 6 - Not having just one. If you could change one thing on your body, what would it be, and why? 1 - I would get rid of the cellulite on my ass. 4 - My ass. I want it to jiggle. 6 - More cuts, bigger tits! What gets you in the mood? 3 - A great kiss. 4 - Massage, red wine, weed, definitely music. 5 - Alcochol, a good breeze, a tight ass. On what date do you usually do the deed? 2 - Numbers are unimportant. 3 - Date? Usually the first if it’s going that way anyway. 5 - All or nothing…either the first date or the third month. Have you ever fooled around with another woman? 1 - Yes. 4 - In my fantasies. 6 - Dumb question, how many women haven’t? How long could you abstain from sex or masturbation? 1 - 24 hours 2 - Never tried. 3 - Two weeks, and that’s pushing it.

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FEBRUARY 2004

What’s the first thing you check out on a guy’s body? 1 - Teeth. 5 – His ass. 4 - His face. (Is that really a body part?) If not, his stomach. (If it’s big he can just keep on walking!) CHEATING. Have you ever cheated? If so, why and would you do it again? 1 - Yes I’ve cheated. I would like to think I wouldn’t cheat, but I have to admit that the excitement of an affair is a thrill. 2 - Yes, yes and yes. If I’m not getting what I need why limit myself to one thing. It’s like trying all the cheeses before you make your sandwich. 5 - Never, if I want something other than what I have then I just move on. What is the best way to get back at a boyfriend who cheats? 1 - Leave his ass and then make him beg to get you back, only to deny him. 3 - Get a Tee-Shirt that says, “Looking for love because my ex’s dick is so small!” 5 - If you don’t sleep with his friend, then let his date know how small his dick is. Tell a story of revenge that you committed? 3 - Never gotten revenge, would never let my ex know I was that bitter. 4 - Sounds corny, but get on with my life, forget about him and make myself a better person. 6 – Torture! SEX. The last time and place you had sex? 1 - This morning, in my bed. 4 - Two weeks ago. Boring places, on the couch, in bed. 5 - Yesterday…Bedroom, bathroom, living room floor.

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “North…”]

Do you use toys in the bedroom? 2 - If necessary. 4 - Sometimes. 5 - Of course, anything to help mix it up! Where is the best place to have sex? 2 - Wherever the mood strikes you. 4 - Wherever, I once did it in the dressing room. 6 - Public places, bathrooms, alleys. How many times a week do you like to have sex? 1 - 4-5…Oh that’s bullshit. Let’s tell the truth, everyday is good! 2 - As many as possible, as long as the guy is good. 5 - I’d like it daily, but a girl can’t always get what she wants. Have you ever tied up you partner or been tied up during sex? 1 - I’ve been tied up and I’ve done the tying. 3 - No. 4 - Of course What is your favorite position and why? 2 - On top. Control and it’s easier to cum if the guy sucks. 4 - Both of us on our sides. Intimate. 6 - Doggie style, I like it from behind. Do you like it when your man is noisy in bed? 3 - Definitely. 5 - Noise = positive reinforcement. 4 - Yep, I like to know what he likes. Have you ever masturbated in front of your partner? 1 - Yes. 2 – Of course! 3 – Yes. 4 – Yes. 5 – Yes. 6 – Yes.

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “Walk 2 blocks. Stop.”]

How do you feel about dirty talk in the bedroom? 2 - Good at the time. Taken out of the bedroom, however, not so good. 4 - It makes me tingly. 3 - Love it! Do you like one-night-stands? 2 - That depends on two things. 1) How hot I thought you were. 2) How good in bed you are. 4 - No, never done it. 6 - Yes. Love ‘em and leave ‘em! The most orgasms you’ve had in one night? 1 - Four 2 – Three 3 – Three 4 – Twelve 5 – Seven 6 - Not many men can do it right! Do you swallow? Why or why not? 1 - It depends on what the guy’s spunk smells like. 2 - Yes. What’s the point if not? Unless you just sucked the dick to warm it up. 3 - Yes, the protein is good for my muscles. What do girls really think about anal sex? 1 - A finger is ok. If the guy has a big dick, forget it. 2 - Yeah, I don’t so much need this. 3 - Hate it! (Hurts!) 4 - I think it hurts. 5 - It hurts. 6 - Bad! Special thanks to Amy Crae and the Beauty Happy Hour team. If you’re interested in their services, contact Amy at 804.648.3359

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FEBRUARY 2004

VALENTINES DAY

Fuck The Romans CAMERON AYERS | STERLING HUNDLEY

The original St. Valentine was a priest in Rome in the middle of the third century, during the reign of Claudius II. According to legend Valentine would marry young couples in secret Christian ceremonies against the will of the emperor. Claudius apparently believed that married men made poor soldiers, distracted by too many responsibilities, and banned all marriages and engagements. However, with so many happy couples throwing unexplained reception parties it wasn’t long before word got out. Valentine was now a wanted man of the cloth, and took to hiding out in caves, which of course is where he had already been staying. Eventually he was discovered by Roman soldiers, and taken before the prefect of Rome. The prefect ordered him to be beaten with heavy wooden clubs until he denounced his Christian teachings and swore allegiance to the emperor. Valentine refused, despite all of his bones being crushed. At this point his captors had enough and sliced off his head. Before he died he is said to have left a note for the jailer’s daughter, signed “from your Valentine.” The day was February 14, 270.

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “Turn to the East. Stop.”]

Not exactly the image of candy hearts and Cupid that most of us picture for Valentine’s Day. That image came around during the Middle Ages, in an attempt to completely do away with pagan springtime rituals, like Lupercalia. Instead of the tradition of rounding up eligible young women and placing their names in a jar to be chosen by the men, Christians supplanted the names of saints. Saint Valentine was seen as a personification of pious love, and Feb. 14 became his feast day. Later in an exclusive arrangement the Federation of American Greeting Card Manufacturers purchased the rights to St. Valentine’s Day from the Catholic Church. Now the celebration is even further from the true meaning…beating the crap out of your enemies before decapitating them. Now that’s showing the love.

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FEBRUARY 2004

I Love Cookies RYAN POLLACK

I was originally going to write about music this month. After all, there are plenty of things that I love about electronica, such as the way it makes me feel. I hate some things about electronica too, such as the stagnation of the scene surrounding it. I chewed awhile on this topic and came to a conclusion, love and hate are two very strong words. “Wow,” you’re thinking. “Someone give that man a prize!” Thanks, I’ll take a cookie. Seriously though, some people think that the two emotions are mutually exclusive. You can’t love something and hate it at the same time, right? After all, aren’t they opposites? No, they are not. That is, “love” and “hate” are not opposites. Think about it, when you love something, how does it affect you? You think about it all the time. This thing consumes you. You can’t let it go. With that said, the same description could easily be applied to something you hate. You think about it all the time. It consumes you. You can’t let it go. You might feel positively about the thing you love and negatively about the thing you hate, but both emotions are rooted in the same feelings. As the movie title goes, there is a thin line between love and hate. Okay, so that movie sucked, but you get my point. So if hate is not the opposite of love, then what is? Well, the answer should be fairly obvious, apathy. After all, apathy is not thinking about something. The thing doesn’t consume you, but instead it doesn’t even take up a single cell in your brain. When you’re apathetic about something, you can easily let go. Hate is born of the same fiery emotional process as love, but apathy is a bucket of ice water splashed over that inferno. And it’s that cold that stings the most. After all, isn’t some feeling, positive or negative, better than no feeling at all? Look what you made me do…now I can’t stop thinking about cookies. Mmmmm, cookies.

VALENTINES DAY

Mood Music

14 Songs That May Help You Get Your Mack On This Valentine’s Day R ANTHONY HARRIS

“Blue Moon” – The Cowboy Junkies Performed by countless artists (including the King himself), but never so hauntingly. The ghostly effect is achieved mainly because the recording is done live in one take with a single microphone in a church cathedral. “It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue” - Them Yeah, so Van Morrison can be a pugnacious creep, but then he sings some deep soul-stirrer like this and you just have to give up and say, “He’s the man…” “Lay Lady Lay” – Bob Dylan This is a total no-brainer. Even people who don’t like Bob and/or country music can’t help but dig on this song. Dylan’s voice actually sounds pretty here. Songwriters take note…emulate, emulate, emulate. “I Wanna Be Adored” – The Stone Roses Ian Brown falls in love with himself over snaky bass lines and sky-piercing guitars. England swoons. Like the Velvet Underground, the Stone Roses spawned a thousand other bands. “Rise” – The Doves A band that used to be a techno act, before they lost all their sequencers and synthesizers in a studio fire, makes a song that sounds like the fire itself. Its blissed-out guitars give way to a crazy harmonica jam that ranks high in creative production. “Do For Love” - Tupac Tupac motivates thugs everywhere to consider commitment and loyalty over smacking their bitches up. Probably his best work.

“To Here Knows When” – My Bloody Valentine More like a cloud than a song. Maybe it’s a cloud that looks like a song? “Is This Love” – Bob Marley If Bob Marley can’t help you get some, you may want to re-evaluate your whole approach. “Lover, You Should’ve Come Over” – Jeff Buckley It’s way too long to put on your ex’s answering machine. But if they have voice mail… “My Funny Valentine” – Chet Baker Brassy and classy, as well as lyrically brilliant. “You Make It Easy” - Air Two French guys highjack an elevator and fill it with moogs, strings, and a chanteuse with gorgeous pipes. “Ladytron” – Roxy Music Brian Ferry’s crooning is always cool, but the best part of this song is the teutonic breakdowns that could possibly inspire some passionate lovemaking. “The Same Deep Water As You” – The Cure When he sings, “I will kiss you forever on nights like this…,” you might consider it for a moment, but then you remember that Robert Smith always has lipstick smeared all over his face, so never mind. “Staraflur” – Sigur Ros Sung in a made-up language called Hopelandic. I call it the language of love.

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FEBRUARY 2004

Gettin’ Booty Check Your Game. Are You Even Playing? THE FILTHY APES EMPORIUM OF FUN

“Voulez vous couchez avec moi ce soir,” is French for “it’s February and hormones are being pumped almost as hard as that aerosol can in your shit palace.” But why let something that amounts to a pesky chemical cocktail dictate the institution we call love? Is it a brain wave connection that two individuals make, or is it a drug induced ignorance of sorts, taking over every sensory receptor in our bodies, making us do and say things that we would only admit to after much rum consumption?

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FEBRUARY 2004

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “Cross the street. Stop.”]

VALENTINES DAY

Well, romantics would say love is easy to define, but realists like the Filthy Apes would say that a number of factors are involved. First of all, let’s clarify some issues. Lust and love are often mistaken for each other, and well, they are nearly at opposite ends of the spectrum. Not only that, but one is good, and the other is very bad, evil even. Lust is what motivates the beginnings of most relationships (except when you are paying), however, love doesn’t even set in until the woman brutally beats you over the head with the stupid stick (idiot). So how does one get to the first step? Try reading the next line jackass. The first step, lust, is easy, the hard part is getting the opposite party lusty. The dirty deed is to convince the one in your sexual targets that it’s a good idea to get naked! More daunting however, is convincing them that getting naked was their idea! The natural answer to this sexual quandary, of course, is your special love potion. We’re not talking Roofies, you child molesting freak. There’s a difference between gettin’ your swerve on and fondling some poor unsuspecting breast. And it has nothing to do with sprinkling some ground tiger penis into their drink. But rather those almost imperceptible cues that make others want to do you. Modern day love potions have less to do with voodoo and more with you do. So in honor of Cupids day of loathing, the one that normally sets up your normal Valentine’s Day massacre, we offer these 10 easy check points to help make you more irresistible to the opposite sex. 1. How do you smell? Nobody likes to cuddle up next to some stink. If you don’t believe me go stand under a Ginkgo tree in the spring. And don’t take the phrase “put some stank on it” literally. 2. Are you charming? Charm goes a long way in the battle for booty, don’t sell yourself short. Work those eyes, smile, strike up a witty rapport, it helps. 3. Have you set the mood with music? How is anyone supposed to know how deep, sensitive, enlightened or fun you are, if you don’t pump those subliminal messages into the air? 4. Do you have friends? Being desired by others ups your property value. Think about it, you wouldn’t want to eat in an empty restaurant. 5. Grooming is good. You don’t have to be a looker, but if you take care of what you’ve got, it shows that you care. And you will never end up on “Queer Eye” having to make a soufflé. 6. Are you a smarmy dresser? Do your clothes look like they are having fun on you? Then possibly your sexual target will as well. 7. Can you give or receive a compliment? It is very important to be able to vocalize what you are thinking. Do you know anyone that hates to hear that they look good? Receiving a compliment is an art, be gracious and not too self-deprecating. 8. Do you still have enough brain cells to hold an interesting conversation? Tarzan, Frankenstein and Tanto never got much ass. 9. Are you outraged by at least one thing? (yum, passion) 10. Have you done a shot? Have they done three? Follow these simple guidelines and you are well on your way to naked fun. As far as the love thing goes, just watch the hell out for that clobber stick. Until then have fun and the Filthy Apes will be watching with a tear welling up as you pedal into that sexual sunset, training-wheels off.

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “Turn towards the South. Walk.”]

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FEBRUARY 2004

| FUN STUFF

oldeenglish.org Website of the Month IGOR

Olde English is a sketch comedy group out of Bard College in NY. As well as performing live shows, they have a web site where they post videos of their antics. All of the videos are pretty entertaining and, if nothing else, you need to check out their “Rap Video.” It is a brilliant music video about 2 very hungry, very suicidal sketch comedians. I also recommend their documentary video, in which they ask the age-old question, “How much would it take for you to kill a puppy?” I don’t know if it is the “Champagne of Websites,” as they claim, since the videos are pretty hit or miss, however, the good ones are definitely worth the download, and the site is definitely worth checking out.

CHEW ON THIS MAGAZINE

FEBRUARY 2004

[Ms. Scavenger Hunt- “Enter the first door after the first alley.”]

Chew On This Crossword Quick, January 15, 2004 Created by NS 1

ACROSS 7. Opposite compass points (5,3,5) 9. Informal word for employer (4) 10. Ninety degrees (5,5) 11. Tall, woody grass with hollow stems (6) 13. Formerly a wooden plate or platter (8) 14. Timid; cowardly (13) 16. Related to meaning in language (8) 18. More quickly (6) 20. Formerly a merchant sailing ship (10) 21. Legendary queen of Carthage (4) 22. Entertainment coming just before the main item or event (7-6)

[Ms. Correction- “In Chew On This: Episode 7, page 7, Christopher K. George took the photo”]

DOWN 1. Long-haired breed of goat or rabbit (6) 2. Flowering plant or a part of the eye (4) 3. A form of carbon obtained by burning wood (8) 4. African bloodsucking fly (6) 5. Quick to argue or fight (10) 6. Places providing protection from bad weather or danger (8) 8. One who guards a building during the night (13) 12. Those who witness an event or incident but do not take part (10) 14. Area within the boundaries of a cathedral, college, etc (8) 15. Relaxed; unofficial (8) 17. Small, porous sachet used in making a hot drink (3,3) 19. Suffer; put up with (6) 21. Shallow, flat-bottomed container for food (4)

CHEW ON THIS MAGAZINE

FEBRUARY 2004

M A I N

S T R E E T

804-358-8865

1211 W. Main St. Richmond, VA 23220

New evening menu! Open Mic Nite! Thurs. 8-11 M-TH: 7:30am to 7pm Fri: 7:30am to 3pm

804-355-BREW (2739)

Sound Of Music Studios Presents...

BLACK CAT FEBRUARY 1- The Unicorns, The Occasion 2 - Suicide Girls Live Burlesque Tour, Full Minute of Mercury 3- Heiruspecs, The Avg (Blues People) 4- Film Screening: “Afropunk” 5- The Out Circuit, Dark Little Rooms 6- MN8 presents: Caron Wheeler (Soul II Soul), Crossrhodes (cd release), Julie Dexter 6- Dollhouse: alternative, old-school industrial, new wave dance night 7- OK Go, Army of Me, Spiralling 7- Wag: 60s and 70s garage and soul 8- Spoils of NW, Little Pinko 9- Girl at the Bus Stop, The Sirens 10- The Shins, Cass McCombs **sold out** 11- The Shins, Cass McCombs **sold out** 12- Lake Trout, Canyon, Apollo Sunshine 13- Darkest Hour, Hidden Hand, Medic 13- Trashed: 70s rock dance night 14- Mousetrap: DC’s biggest brit-pop dance night 14- Fifth annual Valentine’s Day Rock-N-Roll Dance Party w/ DJ Glenn & Handsome B. Wonderful 15- Run Silent Run Deep, Exit Clov 16- Red Line Index, A New Dawn Fades 17- The Gossip, Young People 18- MotherTongue: women’s spoken word 19- Wheat, Hey Mercedes 20- The High Llamas 20- Right Round: 80s British alt-pop with DJ ‘Lil e 21- Hank Williams III, Scott Biram 22- Mates of State, Numbers, Da Hawnay Troof 23- Volcano, I’m Still Excited!!, Daughter 24- Decahedron (ex Frodus, Roadside Monument), The Aquarium 25- Gist, Kecak 27- Mary Timony, Garland of Hours 27-Girl Friday: Ladies DJ Collective dance night 29- Phoebus, Wide Right

THE CANAL CLUB FEBRUARY 5 - ZOSO (Led Zeppelin Tribute) 20 - Fighting Gravity CD Release 21 - Blue Dogs w/ special guest 26 - The Samples w/ Brian Vander Ark 28 Seven Nations w/ special guest

321 W. Broad St.

ALLEY KATZ FEBRUARY 21 - Emmet Swimming “Acoustic Band” with Mass Media Darlings 9:00 PM > $8adv / $10door 26 - Poison the Well, The Bled, Murder By Death, The Kinison ALL AGE SHOW 6:00-10:00PM > $10 27 - Fan Free Clinic Benefit Show 2004 8:00 PM 28 - Fan Free Clinic Benefit Show 2004 8:00 PM

NANCI RAYGUN FEBRUARY 1 - Against Me!, Wilhelm Scream, Boxing Water, Before Falling, This Town is an Anchor 3 - Long Since Forgotten, Fire When Ready, TBA 5 - Richmatic 6 - The Goons, The Shakedown, Bloody Crackdown, The High School Hellcats 7 - Renee Heartfelt, The Silent Type, TBA Time and Distance, David Schultz, Noah, TBA (acoustic show) 8 - Races To April, No Charge, Craig Kleemann, Points West 12 - Richmatic 13 - A New Dawn Fades, The Youth Class, Lint Free, Tylor Speaks For Me (PN) 14 - Rockin’ Ass Dance Party w/ Rudy Lopez & Company 15 - Digger, The Goodwill, Madcap, Feable Weiner, Hindsight 20/20, The Tragedy Letters 19 - Richmatic 20 - The Letters Organize, The Pink Spiders, TBA 21 - The Slackers, Murphy’s Kids, Dameseeto / 5pm The Frequency (Members of Trans Am), As Tourists, TBA / 10pm 23 - Mary Lou Lord, Gingersol, Sara Tandy 24 - The Casualties, The Brigs, A Global Threat, TBA 25 - A Problem of Alarming Dement Ion, The Wire Orchestra, TBA / 10pm 26 - Richmatic / 10pm 27 - Conshafter, Adara, Supercomp, The Front Tire / all ages, $5, 7pm 28 - Siggy, TBA / 5pm The Rah Bras, Measles Mumps Rubella, TBA / 10pm 29 - Hero Time (VA Beach), Victim (VA Beach), TBA / all ages, $5, 5pm

•

804-788-0607

•

Supporting the Richmond Sound and Music Scene Since 1994.

9:30 CLUB FEBRUARY 2 - The Dillinger Escape Plan w/ The Locust, Your Enemies’ Friends, Orthrelm $15.00 3 - Gavin DeGraw & Matt Nathanson $10.00 4 - Howie Day & Stereophonics $17.50 6 - moe. $25.00 FEB 7 - moe. $25.00 8 - MxPx & Simple Plan w/ Sugarcult $20.00 11 - Super Furry Animals $15.00 FEB 13 - Atmosphere w/ Eyedea & Ability $15.00 14 - South w/ Metric $15.00 15 - Opeth w/ Moonspell & DevilDriver $18.00 16 - The Gathering w/ Agalloch $15.00 18 - Pennywise w/ Guttermouth, Stretch Arm Strong, Bleed The Dream $16.00 20 - North Mississippi Allstars w/ Mofro $15.00 21 - Ziggy Marley & Spearhead $30 22 - Fountains of Wayne $15.00 23 - CATCH-22 w/ Mustard Plug, Big D and The Kids Table, The Planet Smashers $10.00 26 - The Walkmen w/ Weird War $12.00 27 - The Samples w/ Brian Vander Ark of The Verve Pipe $15.00 29 - Big Head Todd & The Monsters $25.00

THE NORVA FEBRUARY 5 - Howie Day, Stereophonics 8:00 PM > $15.00 7 - From Autumn To Ashes, Silverstein, The AKA’s, Armor For Sleep 8:00 PM > Adv $10.00 / Door $12.50 12 - Mushroomhead, Dope, 40 Below Summer, Twisted Method 7:30 PM > Adv $13.50 / Door $16.00 14 - Appetite For Destruction (Guns N’ Roses Tribute), Shock Me (Kiss Tribute) 9:00 PM > Adv $9.99 / Door $12.50 17 - Jonny Lang, Cross Canadian Ragweed 8:00 PM > Adv $23.50 / Door $30.00 20 - Life of Agony, Flaw, Apartment 26, Epoxy 8:30 PM > $15.00 21 - Fountains of Wayne w/ a special guest 9:00 PM > Adv $15.00 / Door $17.50

SHOW VENUES Alley Katz 10 Walnut Alley • 643-2816 http://alleykatz99.tripod.com Nanci Raygun 929 W. Grace St. • 353.4263 www.nanciraygun.com McCormack’s Irish Pub 12 N. 18th Street • 648.1003 http://www.mccormacksirishpub.com Emilio’s Tapas Bar 1847 W. Broad St. • 359-1224 Club 534 534 N. Harrison St. • 353-9670 The Canal Club 1545 E. Cary St. • 643-2582 http://www.thecanalclub.com OUT OF TOWN Black Cat 1811 14th St. NW DC • 202-667-7960 www.blackcatdc.com 9:30 Club 815 V St. NW DC • 202-3-930-930 www.930.com The Nation 1015 Half St. SE DC • 202-554-1500 www.primacycompanies.com/nation/ The Norva 317 Monticello Ave. • Norfolk, VA 757-627-4500 • www.thenorva.com The Boathouse 119 Park Ave. • Norfolk, VA 757-625-1445 • www.cellardoor.com/boat Hooplas 5760 N. Hampton Blvd. • VA Beach, VA 757-460-2100 • www.hooplas.com Peabodys 209 21th St. • VA Beach, VA 757-422-6212 www.peabodysvirginiabeach.com Tokyo Rose 2171 Ivy Rd • Charlottesville, VA 804-295-ROSE http://members.tripod.com/~sushirock/ Jaxx 6355 Rolling Rd. • West Springfield, VA 703-569-5940 • www.jaxxroxx.com The Ottobar 2549 N. Howard St. • Baltimore, MD 410-662-0069 • www.theottobar.com The Sidebar 218 E. Lexington St. • Baltimore, MD 410-659-4130 • www.sidebartavern.com

soundofmusic.org

BRUNCH

WEEKLY STUFF

The Border Chophouse and Bar Buddy’s

Mon

Devil’s Workshop - Bogart’s Information Technology - Chopstix Sushi Heaven - Sticky Rice Open-Mic Night - Cafe Diem

Tues

Bootscooter - Babes DJ Williams - Cafe Diem Modern Groove Syndicate - Cary St. Cafe Pat O’Brien - Easy Street Bio Ritmo/Modern Grove Syndicate - Emilio’s (Alternating Tuesdays) Terry Murphy Trio - Hard Shell

Wed

Special Ed & the Short Bus - Cary St. Cafe Hump Day - Corner Cafe Electroclash - Club 534 9:55 Club Comedy Show - Chugger’s Stars of the Millennium - Halo Princess Complex - Rare Olde Times

Thurs

Richmatic - Nanci Raygun MC Showcase - Chopstix Open Mic Night - Crossroads Deep House Music - Emilio’s Open Mic Night - Puddin’ Heads Hip Hop House Party - Richbrau Frequency Party - Sauce Steve Mabry - Taphouse

Fri

Mikemetic - Hardshell Cheers - Browns Island DJ Will and Kjell - Europa The Reflex - Godfrey’s [1st & 3rd Fri only] ComedySportz Improv - Comedy Alley Stand-up Comedians - Comedy Zone Friday Night House Music - Sauce

Sat

Mikemetic - Hardshell Martini Lounge - Thai Room DJ Will and Kjell - Europa DJ Krames and Joe Bank$ - Chopstix Andy, Cindy and Thensome - Rare Olde Times Paul Walton & Tommy Clark - Taphouse

Sun

Dragshow - Babe’s [1st sunday only] Neighbor’s Appreciation - Corner Cafe S.I.N. Night - Richbrau Piedmont Souprize - Southern Culture

Cafe Diem The Corner Cafe Easy Street Cafe The Hill Cafe Joe’s Inn Metro Grill Millie’s Sidewalk Cafe Southern Culture Strawberry Street Cafe

LATE NIGHT 3rd Street Diner 4th Street Cafe Bandito’s Capital Ale House Cafe Diem Easy Street Cafe Joe’s Inn Mojo’s Sidewalk Cafe Star-lite

KARAOKE! Mon - Emilio’s, Penny Lane, Potter’s Pub, Shenanigans Tues - Sticky Rice, Caddy’s Wed - Bandito’s, Babe’s, Bottom Line, Caddy’s, Shamrock Pub, Theresa’s Italian Villa Thurs - Chuggers, Bottoms Up, Brandermill Inn, Caddy’s, Sideline Cafe, Theresa’s Italian Villa, Visions Dance Club Fri - Daddio’s Grille, Shamrock Pub Sat - Break Time Sports Bar Sun - Break Time Sports Bar, Caddy’s

CLASSIFIEDS Company seeks three women for BDSM (spanking) video to be shot in mid-March. Two women 18-22, one 35-40. No sex. Good pay plus expenses. Must have experience in BDSM/Spanking. E-mail: abcdwebkate@airpost.net

THE LIST.

Comedy Alley 7115 Staples Mill Rd. • 266-9377

Millie’s 2603 E. Main St. • 643-5512

2525 Cafe 2525 W. Main St. • 204-2525

Comedy Club 109 S. 12th St. • 643-5653

Mojo’s 733 Cary St. • 644-6676

The Comedy Zone 6233 Staplesmill Rd. • 262-9652

Mulligan’s in the Fan 1323 W. Main St. • 353-8686

Commercial Taphouse 111 N. Robinson St. • 359-6544

McCormacks Irish Pub 12 N. 18th Street • 648-1003 http://www.mccormacksirishpub.com

3rd Street Diner 218 E. Main St. • 788-4750 4th Street Cafe 9 N. 4th St. • 648-2838 After Six 1708 E. Main St. • 780-2344 Avalon 2619 W. Main St. • 353-9709 Babes 3166 W. Cary St. • 355-9330 Baja Bean Co. 1520 W. Main St. • 257-5445 Bandito’s 2905 Patterson Ave. • 354-9999 www.banditosburritolounge.com

Crossroads 217 W. Cary St. • 643-2060 Curbside Cafe 2525 W. Hanover St. • 355-7008 Chuggers 900 W. Franklin St. • 353-8191 Cosmopolitan 3156 W. Cary St. • 355-5527 Capital Ale House 623 E. Main St. • 643-2537 The Doghouse 1719 E. Main St. • 644-3004

Barcode 6 E. Grace St. • 648-2040

Easy Street Cafe 2401 W. Main St. • 355-1198

Bogart’s Back Room 203 N. Lombardy St. • 353-9280

Emilio’s Tapas Bar 1847 W. Broad St. • 359-1224

Bottom Line 1814 E. Main St. • 644-5944

Europa 1409 E. Cary St. • 643-0911 www.europarichmond.com

Bottoms Up Pizza 1700 Dock St. • 644-4400 Breakers 9127 W. Broad St. • 270-1461 Brown’s Island S. 7th St. • 643.2826 The Border Chophouse and Bar 1501 W. Main St. • 355-2907 Buddy’s Place 325 N. Robinson St. • 355-3701 www.buddysplace.net Buffalo Wild Wings 7801 W. Broad St. • 672-8732 The Corner Cafe 800 N. Cleveland • 355-1954 Catch 22 1718 E. Main St. • 343-1560 Cafe Diem 600 N. Sheppard St. • 353-2500 The Canal Club 1545 E. Cary St. • 643-2582 Cary Street Cafe 2631 W. Cary St. • 353-7445 Chopstix 3129 W. Cary St. • 358-7027

Mamma ‘Zu 501 S. Pine St. • 788-4205 The Nanci Raygun 929 W. Grace St. • 353-4263 O’Briensteins 1548 E. Main St. • 648-6271 Out of Bounds 2701 W. Broad St. • 355-7390 Penny Lane Pub 207 N. 7th Street • 780-1682 Poe’s Pub 2706 E. Main St. • 500-7856 Rare Old Times 10602 Patterson Ave. • 750-1346 Richbrau Brewing Company 1214 E. Cary St. • 644-3018 Sauce at the Pizza Place 1727 E. Main St. • 343-1300

Fieldens 2033 W. Broad • 359-1963

Secrets in the City 2001 E. Franklin St. • 343-1617

Godfrey’s 308 E. Grace St. • 648-3957

Sidewalk 2101 W. Main St. • 358-0645

Grove Ave. Coffee and Tea Co. 5802 Grove Ave. • 288-6211

Sine Irish Pub 1327 E. Cary St. • 649-7767

Have a Nice Day Cafe 11 S. 18th St. • 771-1700

Southern Culture 2229 W. Main St. • 355-6939

Hard Shell Cafe 1411 E. Cary St. • 643-2333 Hill Cafe 2800 E. Broad St. • 648-0360 www.thehillcafe.com Ipanema 917 W. Grace • 213-0170 Joe’s Inn 205 N. Shields Ave. • 355-2282 Legend Brewery 321 W. Seventh St. • 232-8871 Main Street Beer Company 1911 W. Main St. • 358-9620 Metro Grill 301 N. Robinson St. • 353-4453

Strawberry Street Cafe 421 N. Strawberry St. • 353-6860 Sticky Rice 2232 W. Main St. • 358.7870 Star-Lite 2600 W. Main St. • 254-2667 www.starlitediningandlounge.com Tiki Bob’s Cantina 110 N. 18th St. • 644-9091 The Tobacco Company 1201 E. Cary St. • 782-9555 Tonic 14 North 18th St. • 648-4300 Wildcats 9 North 17th Street

| GOSSIP

A Lil’ Birdie Told Me... Monthly Gossip APRIL SPARROW

For all you people out there that have been living under a rock, Britney has been married and gotten an annulment since our last chat. Yep, she got drunk in Vegas, married an old friend named Jason Alexander, got in a lot of trouble with her mom, and got an annulment. But Jason made out like a bandit, you know he got some ass and she bought him a $160,000 Porsche, as a “keep it quiet” gift. Lucky bastard! Paris Hilton and Nick Carter (Backstreet Boy) are dating and my only explanation for this is they are both too stupid to realize who the other one is! On a sad note, Mr. Bean has checked himself into a psych ward, claiming a massive breakdown. In the US he may not be much, but in England he is the 3rd richest actor. So why is he living in Georgia? Go home! I just call it self-induced depression. So Anna Nicole Smith has lost a lot of weight and is giving credit to TrimSpa. I think she saw an episode of her own show and couldn’t eat for months. But she does look great, so whatever works! Tommy Lee and Pink are dating. I think it’s great because it means her ex-boyfriend Corey Hart is single and ready for a woman that can’t kick his ass! (He’s just a little guy.) Travis Barker from Blink 182 proposed to his girlfriend on the haunted ride at Disney World, what could be scarier, him or spending the rest of your life with him? Trick Daddy was pulled over and arrested for possession of marijuana and cocaine, guess that wasn’t for the kids, cause like he always says, “I do it for the kids!” And I am very excited to announce that J-lo and Ben are still struggling in their relationship, which means that in a year she will be married to yet another man! Will someone please smack her!

CHEW ON THIS MAGAZINE

FEBRUARY 2004

GALAXY DINER “Home of the fried pickle” In the heart of Carytown 3109 W.Cary 804-213-0510 A cosmic theme Diner with a twist. A five page menu featuring hand-made milkshakes, burgers, 12” hot-dogs, fried Oreo’s, and much, much more. Does anyone like Juke Boxes?

Coming In March

hie! p l a R m e Burn Th All!!! m e h T Burn Pick up Chew at These Locations Downtown: 1421 3rd St. Diner 4th St. Café Awful Arthur’s Alley Katz The Bottom Line Bottom Billards Bottoms Up Pizza Dog House East End Dermagraphics Gutenberg Have A Nice Day Café The Hill Café Kulture Clothing Matt’s Pub McCormack’s Millie’s NV Penny Lane Pizza Place Poe’s Pub River City Diner Red Dragon Shockoe Espresso Velvet Fan: 821 Café 2525 All Star Deli Avalon Banditos Baja Bean Black Swan Bogarts Border Buddy’s Cary St. Café Chop Suey Taphouse Café Diem Curbside Enigma Tattoo Easy Street El Rio Grande Ink Tattoo Images Salon Joes Inn Lost Sock Lombardy Market Katra Gala Kuba Kuba Mainly Pasta Main St. Beer Main Art Metro Grill Mojo’s Mulligan’s Puddin Heads Picolla’s Patterson Express Out Of Bounds River City Tattoo Roxy Richmond Coin Laundry Sticky Rice Southern Culture Sidewalk Café Star Lite - Rick Strawberry St. Laundry Strawberry St. Market Strawberry St. Café Triple Triangle Uptown Color Video Fan World Cup Carytown: Adonis Babe’s Betsy’s Bev’s Carytown Burger’s & Fries Cosmopoitan Chopstix Coppola’s Carytown Books Dogma The Eatery Elwood Thompsons Galaxy Glass & Powder Great Wraps Guitar Works Look Mary Angelo’s Nacho Mama’s Need Supply Plan 9 Records Smoothie King Urban Artifacts Wicked Redhead World Of Mirth VCU: Artspace Absolute Tattoo Adams Street Tattoo Colosium Deli Corner Café Corner Market Chugger’s Dose Café Exile Fieldens Harrison St. Coffee Ipanema Nanci Raygun Panda Garden Plaza Art Turnstyle Tapas Bar Upcast The Village Vcu - Johnson Hall Velocity West End: 17th St. Grove Ave. Coffee Potters Pub Stories Tower Records The Tavern Taboo South Side: Crossroads Coffee

The biggest, smallest art show of the year accepting submissions. info / email jon@alocalmarket.com