Chew On This Magazine - August 2003

Your Free Monthly Resource

SERIES 1 EPISODE 2 AUGUST 2003

KEEP IT ON YOU

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Features iBOOKS = FAT KIDS TECH REPORT: iSIGHT PETER PROBLEMS MINI VS. HUMMER WORST DATES STREET ICONS THE EDITORIAL THAT NO ONE WOULD PRINT

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from www.catbirdseat.org

ver

At the next show you go to. When you get a bingo, scream “BINGO!” at the top of your lungs, then break a bunch of beer bottles on the floor and get thrown out. chew master

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p 01 Art

take a look at the guggenheim

p 05 Music

the gaskets get howard stern to talk...

p 07 Film p 09 Inquistor ibooks=fats kids... a look into the under belly of porn and potato chips. and the letter you are not supposed to read

p 17 Food p 21 Listings p 25 sex and the sexes p 33 Tech meet peter

how your mini a can get a hummer

p 37 Misc

illustration by oura

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Chew On This August 2003 Design Stuart Dwiddle R. Anthony Harris Justin Vaughan

EDITORIAL First, a retraction. We here at Chew would like to apologize for Walter’s statement in last months issue, stating that Iron Maiden sucks. In fact, Walter is listening to Iron Maiden right now… tied to a chair in my basement.

As this is an editorial, it is time to bitch about the city I love so much. Why is it our city officials seem to think that nostalgia will save Richmond?

They’ve been busy digging up the past trying to rebuild it to the way it was before the Civil War. Crowds, who would have gone to Disney World, are now swarming our new function-less canal system and are patiently awaiting the arrival of the new streetcar system. After all, Richmond was the first city to have a streetcar system. What better reason to bring back such an outdated and expensive form of transportation?!? Richmond’s “Easy to Love” motto, in all rights, should be changed to “The South Shall Rise Again!”

Hardly forward thinking.

The city has forgotten what made Richmond famous in the first place, ingenuity. Must we let these con men rebuild our city into a lame amusement park? With a crumbling school system and our Top 10 national crime rate, couldn’t this money have been spent wiser?

While we don’t have much of a say at a federal level, we do locally. These are the questions Chew wants to answer.

Oh yeah...Welcome to the second issue.

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Writers Jon Martin Kirsten Lewis Lander Salzberg Kevin Galagher Jared Stone Rebekah Trachtenburg R. Anthony Harris John Yamashita J. Darn Illustration Jim Callahan Oura Photography Kirsten Lewis Jon Martin Alan Hamill Ad Sales Kirsten Lewis Lander Salzberg Jon Martin Cover Design Justin Vaughan

Are you interested in contributing to Chew On This? We are currently looking for illustrators, designers, writers, photographers, and artists for our publication. E-mail: local@alocalmarket.com for more info.

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art

commentary + opinions

4 artists?

BY T-REX.HARRIS

I went to the Guggenheim Museum in New York this past week and I have to say, the work there is world class. Too bad this collection of art influences so much of what we see, that it lessens the artwork when you behold the original. I have seen Matisse-like work on home decor products, Picasso inspired figures on coffee cups, and Modigliani faces on Hallmark cards the world over.

But I did see many pieces I liked and a lot I didn’t and I wanted to express some thoughts on four of them.

(When looking at art I work from the overall first impression to a breakdown of composition and color, and last a study of the technique) “Knight Errand” Oskar Kokoschka 1915 This particular work of Mr. Kokoschka is jarring to catch a glimpse of. The ultra marine and the vomit shaded yellow-green really create a discord within the piece. I can tell by looking at it that the artist is going thru a tough time of some sort. The central figure is a knight in battered blue armor between two choices, but unable to take either.

This figure is laying on a rock surrounded by tumultuous water and is totally consumed with distress, looking to the sky for help, and needing to heave.

“Untitled, Rome” Cy Twombly 1960 There is a first for every style or movement in art. This person is the beginner-sometimes-genius, that has a new idea to add to the overall idea of what art is. I believe Mr. Twombly was not an originator so much as he had a giant pair of brass balls. He took a canvas, painted it white using paint right out of the tube, got a pencil and oil stick, then scribbled numbers and iconic imagery on top pf the paint. He made something really ugly, then got lucky that the Guggenheim bought it.

Congratulations.

“Will to Power” Jean Dubuffet 1946 A raw, rough textured burly man with his jimmy hanging out dominates this piece of work. Mr. Dubuffet has placed the arms of this man behind his back. This fact, and the look of hopelessness on his face leads me to believe he has been captured and is about to get a beating. Or, that the man has no arms and he really wants to masturbate.

Thus, he is staring out at the viewer with a look of, “Could you help me out?”

No way Dubuffet.

tony@alocalmarket.com

The Red Balloon by Klee seems to me to be a tiny personal thought. It brings back memories of innocence thru the use of soft overlays of color and simple line work. A perfect symmetry between round and hard shapes balance this small piece.

On the left is a natural tree reflected by an abstract one growing on the right. On the bottom half is a square (representing a house?) balanced by the red balloon floating away at the top.

Richmo postal t He’s ge verifica cross co it to use exhibit outsider

A strong, quiet piece by a master of the understated.

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“Red Balloon” Paul Klee, 1922

CHEW ON THIS e AUGUST 2003

by Liz

Local E

I wanted to flip this picture so it faced the wall and never look at it again.

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[Ms. Information - “67.5% of men wear briefs instead of boxers.”]

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Eastern Exposure

by Liz

Local Exposure? Decent Exposure? I don’t have a title.

It’s nothing to take a picture of. It’s just a regular old postal truck, maybe even one more similar to a plain white bread truck you’d see blocking the parking spaces at 7-11.

He’s got the inside painted black with the exception of a 4’ x 8’ piece of white plywood attached to one wall. The metal prison-style door separating the driver from the back of the truck is solid black too, intimidating and seamless. It’s the small hole in the side of the truck that’s worth a thousand words.

Richmonder Shaun Irving has turned his 1987 postal truck into the world’s largest mobile camera.

He’s getting the Guinness Book of World’s Records verification to prove it. He’ll take his truck on a cross country photography road trip next year to put it to use, then follow up with a touring photography exhibit after that. The truck is beautiful in its own outsider art way.

[Ms. Information - “The billionth digit of pi is the number 9.”]

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Shaun, 28, a free-lance writer and his friend were sitting in a dorm room in Hampton Sydney “talking smack” about photography few years ago. They were ruminating on the different ways to build a camera when the idea came into focus. The idea sat and gnawed at the back of his head for six years until it fully developed.

“I knew I had to give it a shot.” Irving said.

The truck he bought off e-Bay cost $2,700. He was originally going to convert it into a pinhole camera. After trial and error, Shaun realized that the exposure time for a pinhole photograph as large as he’d like it would be close to three and a half hours. Shaun would have had to sit and roast in the truck in the dark, waiting for the image to expose itself. There was also the problem of getting his subjects to stay still that long and keeping the sun from moving.

The truck he calls Peanut is a fixed focus mobile camera.

It creates billboard size negatives that are 4 feet by 9 feet.

The lenses he’s using were specially ordered, one is from a military periscope off a submarine. They project a reversed image onto the back wall of his truck, then a guillotine shutter crashes down and the magic of photography

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m useums and Galleries 1708 Gallery 319 W. Broad St. 643.1708

Lora Robbins Gallery University of Richmond 289.8276

Agecroft Hall & Gardens 4305 Sulgrave Road.

353.4241

Main St Gallery 1537 W. Main St. 359.3499

Artemis Gallery 1601 W. Main St 353.2676

Marsh Art Gallery University of Richmond 289.8279

Artists Downtown Access 228 W.Broad 644.0100

Maymont 1700 Hampton St. 358.7166

jazz

jaz

Jazz m these f every Jazz ce circulat being t has en entrepe a scene

Artspace 6 E. Broad St. 782.8672

Museum of the Confederacy 201 E. Clay St. 648.1861

happens. A print is produced. It gets rolled, goes into a piece of PVC piping, is covered with developer, shaken for a few minutes and viola, a huge picture of whatever is outside of the truck.

Astra Gallery 3141 W. Cary St. 257.5467

Orange Door Gallery 12 W. Broad St. 648.7771

Well w

Black History Museum 00 Clay St. 780.9093

“Cameras are really pretty basic things–a dark box, a lens and some sort of shutter.

It’s not that people couldn’t build such a thing before...it’s just that very few have gone through the trouble.”

Brazier Gallery W. Cary St. 359.2787

Richmond History Center 1015 E. Clay St. 649.0711

Why is in Rich the loca a cockt

In the 1970’s Polaroid produced the world’s largest, converting an entire room into a camera, theirs was immobile.“Someone else built a camera back in the early 1900s that took 15 men to operate, and had to be moved on a rail car. It took one picture in its lifetime and cost $15,000--in 1900s money.”

The camera burned down in the 40’s leaving Shaun with the largest mobile camera.

Children’s Museum of Richmond 2626 W. Broad St. 470.7010

Including the truck, the project cost him around five grand. He’s still seeking sponsors for his trip and the paper work and all the verification for Guinness is being finished.

Dementi Studios 3851 Springfield Rd. 648.9003

It’s amazing, although I think Virginia is still weary of white trucks with small holes for shooting things. Whether he’s going to wait until after the media frenzy over the sniper trial calms down is still undecided. Shaun has created the American dream in his driveway and will have the picture to prove it.

Hand Workshop Art Center 1812 W. Man St. 353.094

Virginia Holocaust Museum 2000 E. Cary St. 257.5400 Virginia

the Ink Tattoo & Art 1825A W. Main St. 359.4755

Historical Society 428 N. Boulevard 358.4901

For the focus o tion. Ma your he individu see wri

John Muir Gallery 6 N. Sixth St. Suite 102 594.0855

Virginia Museum 2800 Grove Ave 340.1400

We at t yours.

Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens 1800 Lakeside Ave. 262.9887

Virginia Science Museum 2500 W. Broad St. 864.1400

Jared S Jazz Ba

Visual Art Studio 208 W. Broad St. 644.1368

Jareds8

Chasen Gallery 3554 W. Cary St. 204.1048

Corporate and Museum Frame 301 W. Broad St. 643.6858 Cudahy’s Gallery 1314 E. Cary St. 782.1776

For Art’s Sake Gallery 3451 W. Cary St. 353.8101

Library of Virginia 800 E. Broad St. 692.3592

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Richmond Public Library 101 E. Franklin St. 646.4740 Science Museum of Virginia 2500 W. Broad St. 864.1400 The University of Richmond Museum University of Richmond 289.8276 Upcast Gallery 221 Brook Rd. 225.7171 Uptown Gallery 1305 W. Main St. 353.8343 Virginia Aviation Museum International Airport 236.3622

tony@alocalmarket.com

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jazz

jazzmatazz Jazz music, Richmond, money, and respect, do these four conditions jell? That is the question on every inspiring jazz musicians mind in this city.

Jazz certainly has enough fans according to most circulating publications and club owners. Richmond being the booming center of art that it is, surely has enough money from the good ol’ boys, young entrepenuers, and college students to support such a scene!

Well what’s the deal??

Why is it that I can walk into any number of jazz clubs in Richmond and find some of the finest players on the local scene playing to a drunken bartender, and a cocktail waitress asleep at the wheel?

That is the question I have been debating for quite some time and will make every attempt to find the answer. Through hell or high water, we as concerned citizens, musicians, and patriarchs of fine art will dig deep and cause a revolution of sorts in this city of dreams.

Okay that was a little much, but truthfully folks, what can we do?

From club owners to fans, where is the support?

The club owners don’t want to pay you for years spent honing your craft. The locals don’t want to pay the measley $5 it cost to go see some decent music. But everybody wants to bitch about the depleting scene and nothing to do.

RTimeefutations of and Space Digable Planets 1993 BYT.REX HARRIS

My opinion is that every person reaches a pinnacle in their life. The stars have moved into alignment and whatever your profession, the point of “this is as good as it gets” happens to you. Whether that means scoring five touchdowns in a high school football game like Al Bundy from “Married With Children” or understanding the deeper cosmos thru the use of complex mathematics like Stephen Hawkings, everyone has that moment.

Now think about your favorite musician(s). Any band, singer, rapper, or polka playing DJ that you love, holds true to this idea by having that one album where everything is right.

You understand them and they understand you thru the music.

Sure you can get a gig. The question is, do you mind playing for free and do you mind if the place is empty.

1993’s “Refutations of Time and Space,” by New York based Digable Planets is one of my favorites. At a time when the landscape of rock was being changed by Nirvana, there was a movement in hip-hop that was positive and brought the unique sound of jazz together with the pupils of the spoken word. DP’s album is a perfect blend of stream of consciousness rhymes combined with bass, horns, and snare.

For the next several months this commentary will focus on what can be done to rejuvenate this situation. Maybe I am not getting the big picture and with your help maybe I can see the light. Any bands or individuals invloved with jazz, that you would like to see written about, contact me.

Starting from their intro, “It’s Good to be Here” thru every song, they explain themselves to the listener and question everything from time and space to pro-lifers.

Featuring the Grammy winning “Rebirth of Slick,” the three lyricists from NY give a free lesson on how it can be done.

We at the Chew are here to serve the greater good, yours.

“Refutations” ended up being their most cohesive idea and an album that should get a second listen from the people who missed it the first time.

Jared Stone is founder and drummer for Stone’s Stew Jazz Band.

Jareds8@aol.com [Ms. Information - “Over 13 people a year die from vending machines falling on them.”]

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music

O NE SEQUENCER AND A MICROPHONE

Teddy Blanks. 18. Bandʼs front man. VCU graphic design major. Was wearing a “We Be Jamminʼ” t-shirt the day he and Ross first made music together. Prefers cereal over eggs, trunks over speedos, 27 over 503, booze over beer, Curious George over Paddington Bear, and would rather ride than walk to his gigs.

Ross Harman. 19 & 3/4. Sequencer and mixer guru. VCU art major. Head is always trimmed with his blue beanie.

Prefers Christina over Brittany, CDs over vinyl, ass over tits, flop over flip, snickers over milkyways, and would rather swim in the ocean than a pool.

They met in boy scouts in ninth grade. “I thought you were an ass,” says Ross laughing of his now best friend and fellow music maker Teddy. It all started when Ross bought a sampler. Teddy, who at the time was writing sappy love songs on the piano, and Ross, who was mixing beats for some local rappers, began collaborating their talents. At first, all of the songs were improved and recorded. “We probably have about 100 of those,“ Teddy says reflecting back. It was not long before the duo were finally writing songs and developing their own style. All they needed was a name, or rather rename The Fraggle Roc Project, due to fear of a lawsuit. “Ross and I were on the phone, I opened the phonebook, blindly pointed and landed on the word GASKETS in the plumbing section,” explains the curly brown haired Teddy.

Senior year in high school, Ross was working at Subway when he discovered an ad for Open Mic Night at Mattʼs Village Pub & Comedy Club in Shockoe Slip. The two, who thought they were going to be playing at a stand up open mic night, were relieved to find themselves amongst fellow musicians. Although nervous they would be “booed off stage or get tomatoes thrown at them,” according to the

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namesake song “Open Mic Night At Mattʼs.”. The Gaskets were anxious to showcase their bizarre yet cleverly humorous songs, accompanied by Teddyʼs amazing ability to filter his energy through a room of crowded drunks. To the Gaskets surprise, the crowd of die hard Dylan and Eagles fans embraced their music and claimed a seat early every Thursday night just to get a chance to hear them play again.

“We owe Mattʼs Pub so much,” says Teddy with much appreciation, a year since their debut. “Weʼve built a fan base there, and developed our sound and onstage persona. The people at Mattʼs have really helped us book gigs and get us in touch with the right people.”

With BIG FUN, the new album they recorded with label Aquarium Records, the boys were able to land big. Real Big. Howard Stern Big. “Heʼs a dick,” says Teddy of the world famous radio personality. “No, actually heʼs pretty cool. Itʼs the other people that he works with that suck.” The 7 minute on-air time is all thanks to Nate Igor, The Gaskets current manager, who wrote the Stern show and said he would “pierce his nutsack with a safety pin” if Howard would listen to their album. Although Igorʼs nutsack was spared, his pride was not as the staff from the Stern show verbal stripped him naked and spanked him good and hard during the telephone interview. Although the staff described the music as gay porn soundtrack material, Howard defending it as “Broadway-like”, and all agreed that Igor was an ass and should be fired as manager, it was great publicity. The website, www.thegaskets.com, received over 2000 hits and numerous record sales. You can log onto the website and listen to the interview as well as read the bulletin board posts made by pro & anti Gasketers alike.

[Ms. Information - “You are more likely to be struck by lightning than win the lottery.”]

8/1/03, 8:10 AM

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SO HOT...THE TRIPLE THREAT

By J. Darn

F

ree shows put on by local radio stations are always tricky. Thereʼs something unnerving about the van with its giant screaming graphics and the roving herds of radio personalities in their t-shirt uniforms ready to storm the stage and beam you with a barrage of swag.

The lineup seemed interesting enough including a road tested standard and the new kid on the block.

Most of the audience probably couldnʼt recall times when Sensefield took the stage at 9:30 club. However it was refreshing to see fists pumping out the words as the band filled the room with their consistent style of melodic hardcore. These guys have been around for many years, but age hasnʼt hampered their ability to construct a thoroughly solid set. A set that surely pleased old fans and perked the ears of a new generation of listeners.

Next up was Hot Hot Heat, the dayʼs radio sweethearts. From the start it was obvious they drew the largest percentage of fans. The youngsters seem to really have taken a liking to this latest shaggy headed rock outfit. As far as music trends go this one has introduced some promising acts. The difficulty is standing out in the crowd. HHH brought enough to tap your feet, but not enough to amaze. Only the vocals deserve much attention, but that is not always a positive thing. Here the sound begins to grate from the unchanging pitch. More diversity would help keep the sound interesting, less frustrating.

Overall a good night and a fun show. My apologies to Supercomp, sorry I missed the set.

800 N. Cleveland St. 804.355.1954

A Real Neighborhood Spot Serving lunch dinner daily & brunch on Sunday

megaplexes + the byrd Byrd Theatre

(804) 353-9911 > 2908 West Cary Street

Carmike 10

(804) 897-0888 > 1100 Alverser Drive

Commonwealth 20

(804) 744-2600 > 5001 Commonwealth

Crossings Cinema

(804) 458-0555 > 5246 Oaklawn Blvd.

Ethyl IMAX Dome & Planetarium (804) 864-1400 Science Museum of VA 2500 W. Broad Street

Regal Chester Cinemas

(804) 796-5911 > 13025 Jefferson Davis Highway

Regal Short Pump 14

(804) 360-0947 > 11650 West Broad Street

Regal Southpark Cinema 6

(804) 526-8100 > 374 Southpark Mall

Regal Virginia Center 20

(804) 261-5411 > 10091 Jeb Stuart Pkwy

Regal Westhampton Theatre

(804) 288-9007 > 5706 Grove Avenue

UA Chesterfield Town Center

(804) 379-7800 > 11500 Midlothian Turnpike

UA West Tower

(804) 270-7111 > 8998 West Broad Street

lottery.”]

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film

incredible to view. The film was rumored to have cause vomiting and walk outs at the Cannes Film Festival.

I felt nauseous and light head upon viewing. I was disgusted and horrified. And I loved it.

opinions, dissection, + local talent

David Cronenburg Eat Your Heart Out or Claire Denis Will Do it for You

By Kevin Gallagher

S

pielberg is the king of Hallmark style emotional manipulation. He knows how to hit the average American viewer where it hurts. Homesick aliens, robot boys who want their mommies, school teachers who kill for their country, etc. He makes crying at a film a safe and fulfilling experience for the average American viewer. Which I must admit is not inherently bad, but I have become fed up with that skevie bastard’s contrived emotional thrust. Spielberg continually taps into the same emotional response for his films. It is like he is telling a dead joke over and over again dramatically. It has become numbing.

I have a lot of respect for artists who are able to elicit emotional responses in a new and talented way. Bret Easton Ellis is a good example of this. He is just as aware of how to affect the viewer as Spielberg, he just isn’t afraid to really attack the reader. Read American Psycho. Whereas Spielberg turns shotguns waving at children into walkie-talkies, Ellis guts children in the dark corner of a zoo. But perhaps a more cinematic comparison is necessary. Now she isn’t like Ellis in a lot of ways but French director Claire Denis works as a more pertinent example.

Claire Denis is the un-Spielberg. I am not talking about the lack of rampaging dinosaurs/sharks/beasts, or the smaller budgets. It is not just her awareness of the emotional power of film; every great director has that trait. It is her willingness to push the audience emotionally further then most directors. Her two most recent films are terrific examples. 2001’s Trouble Every Day stars the ever hip/sexy Vincent Gallo and Tricia Vessey. Gallo plays Shane, an american honeymooning in Paris. But his trip’s reason is twofold. Shane is plagued with the desire to consume his lover(s) to gain full sexual satisfaction. He seeks the help of the Parisian doctor (Alex Descas) who is trying to cure the cannibalistic desire held by his wife. The film is absolutely gut wrenching. Thanks especially to the powerful work of Denis regular Bzatrice Dalle. She is unabashedly sadistic. A true displeasure to watch, making the film

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Denis bothered to hit audiences where it would hurt.

Creating some of the sultriest sex scenes in cinema and then violently ripping the audience out of the moment with gurgling death rattles. This is a true horror film. Pain is an emotion, why not experience it through cinema that you can leave behind after a few hours (or weeks in the case of this film), as opposed to your friends and family who never go away. If cinema is about escapism to you, escape into displeasure. Pain is better then numbness. See this film.

Her follow up film is also incredible. Friday Night has all the sexual energy and power as Trouble Every Day and none of the horror. Average looking Laure (Valérie Lemercier) is about to move in with her boyfriend. She takes a break from packing to go eat at a friend’s house but the traffic in Paris is deadlocked. While stuck in her car she meets the Bogart-style handsome Jean (Vincent Lindon). Their attraction grows and they spend the night together. She quietly leaves him in the morning.

That is the basic action but there is much more raging in the subtext. The film is a series of silent moments of communication between the two. The pair moves towards and away from each other, quietly confronting their desires. This film speaks more to human love and sexuality then any Jennifer Lopez vehicle ever could. The actors are not unattainable representatives of beauty, they look like anybody else. They experience large ranges of emotion like everybody else.

These characters are real and therefore infinitely easier to identify with. Denis brings the viewer to a level of sexuality rarely approached. Cronenburg’s Crash almost gets there but is tainted with its soft core pacing.

The greatest thing about this film, as with Trouble Every Day, is that there is at best a paragraph of dialogue. The full scale of human emotion is told through both films with hardly any expository dialogue. She is the new silent film genius; the sexy Fritz Lang.

So to hell with Spielberg and his films that read like Hallmark cards. He mops up his audience’s tears with dollar bills. Tap into emotional realms that lay dormant in your film going experience. If large studios will not bring intelligent engaging films to the general audience then it is your duty to seek them out yourself. Most of Denis’ films are available at Video Fan. Trouble Every Day has no video distribution but if anyone wants to track me down I would be happy to lend out my copy.

Denis’ newest film Friday Night is out in theatres now but only in NY and LA, so road trips may be in order. (For more cinematic mind-f**ks see also Todd Solondz, Todd Haynes, Lars Von Trier, Dario Argento and Jean-Luc Godard.)

[Ms. Information - “Acura Integras are the most stolen car in America.”]

8/1/03, 8:10 AM

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a League of Some Men and a Woman

By J. Darn

The making of this tale began two years ago April at a writing seminar in Boca Raton. There the most reclusive authors of our time gathered to keep their craft well honed. Twain, Doyle, HR Haggard, RL Stevenson, HG Wells, Stoker, and Wilde came out of their respective hiding spots to convene and wax poetic about their art. Sessions lasted long into the night. These burnings of the midnight oil, though very real indeed, shall soon be a thing of literary lore. So inspired by their stay in the Sunshine Sate they made a pact to combine their individual powers and skills at a later date. A plan was hatched. A time and place decided upon.

Two weeks later these extraordinary gentlemen convened at Stevensonʼs private island off the coast of Thailand. As they unloaded their bags it was clear to see the glow of inspiration in each face. After a light meal they retired to a large room furnished with plush sofas, enveloping wingbacks and the essential roll top desks. It was here in this very room fueled by opium and MD 20/20 that the greatest writers the world [Ms. Information - “It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open?”]

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has ever known bore to life the finest screenplay ever shown. The fine wine flowed and the smoke billowed as page after page of character and plot was committed to paper.

With such intellects collected so intimately the occasional spat was to be expected. A mediating system was agreed upon to settle minor disputes.

One heated argument had Twain and Stoker at each others throats over whether or not Stevenson had brought them here as human sacrifices. Wilde decided the matter thusly: Twin gives to Stoker the genitals of four forest apes, for which Twain receives an original signed manuscript of the Old Testament.

(A close eye was to be kept on Stevenson.) This system worked well as the two eventually created some of the most memorable work of the League.

Days grew to weeks grew to months. Muses inhabited them all. However a strict diet of narcotics and wino juice can take its toll. Before long Wells began only wearing the bark of a specific tropical tree which he venerated as the eighth reincarnation of an ancient bodhisattva. Soon after, during an improvised game dubbed “Kick the Hookah” a shower of ocher aqua fell from the ceiling destroying many pages of priceless penmanship. Those that survived were stacked in random order and sent to 20th Century Fox much to the joy and jubilation of the masses.

A league of extraordinary gentlemen indeed!

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the inquisitor

As you approach a Henrico school, you can almost hear the low rumbling sound of fat kids getting fatter. In each of these classrooms, new hackers are born every minute and masturbation just got a whole lot better.

As you may know, Henrico County purchased 23,000 iBooks for all high and middle school students two years ago. The school board approved this project without any consultation with the teachers and parents of the county. There was also no pilot program conducted to witness the problems associated with a

project of this magn itude. The county, sta te, and federal governm ent splurged $18.65 million dollars and then wa tched the budget sw ell to $22 million due to unexp ected network troub les.

I can only imagine ho w this money could have been better spent. Possibly hiring more teachers to make education a more per sonal one-on-one exp erience or to better the Richmon d City school system .

Most likely a great mo ve for the county as a whole, more families move in and pack the county with tax money, rich private school students turn public, geek kids grow up into hig h paying geek jobs, and in turn buy more from local businesses (i.e. more taxes) And what better county tha n Henrico to jump in head first without any idea of repercussions.

For the record, I am just pissed that my life started 10 years too early.

We were not even all owed to use calculators in my day . Dag nabbit.

[Ms. Info

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14

8/1/03, 8:10 AM

n 22

been make ce or

ole, tax geek urn And first

d use

Of course the greatest benefit of this endeavor is that children now do not have to waste so much time sifting through countless web pages to find the best free porn sites. Now they simply email the links while the teacher lectures. Even better, there have been countless suspensions for children having questionable content on their computers and hacking to change their grades. Apple and Henrico are constantly updating these iBooks with new security measures to handle this “moral” dilemma. Although, these new security measures are only offering a challenge to the students. The iBooks were handed to students with the instructions to download, copy, work with photos and mp3s, and to just use the hell out of them. After all, being connected to a wireless server with high-speed Internet sure beats wasting time in class playing paper football.

These students are light years ahead of school administrators with ingenuity to crack the next porn filtering device thrown at them. They share codes and sell information to lift the

restrictions that usually result in a system failure. Thus costing the county more than they could ps.No ever imagine maintaining these lapto ty matter how much repression the coun will and can nts stude the for, push can g of find a way. Possibly with the liftin focus restrictions, students can shift their rk. olwo scho to ing from hack that My main problem with the issue is the school board could have handled of the situation better through a network to pilot programs with an attentive ear the teachers. Even still, with the porn problems, Henrico is expanding its nts. initiative to arm the elementary stude of are ons cussi reper the what re I am unsu age. being exposed to anal beads at that

jon martin [Ms. Information - “It is illegal in the state of Georgia to eat Fried Chicken with a fork.”]

chew master

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CHEW ON THIS e AUGUST 2003 8/1/03, 8:10 AM

w

10

t

BringingDown theMarket The Letter no one would print...

by silver

The Editorial that no one would print, until now.

To the Editors of Richmondʼs Newspapers, (RTD, Style Weekly, Richmond Voice) I have mixed feelings about having to write this letter.

Happy, because I believe to be coming to you honestly bearing a great truth. Sad, because it is so late and this issue has been mostly ignored and not adequately covered by your paper -- and therefore there has been virtually no public opposition to the planned demolition of the Sixth Street Marketplace.

Some History. This has all happened so fast, yet the time is near. The Broad Street “Community” Development Authority (CDA) was introduced to Richmond City Council as a paper on May 28, 2002.

On July 8, City Council unanimously approved the creation of the CDA. In January of 2003, the CDA announce a plan to sell bonds in the amount of $93 million to revitalize the 6th street / Broad Street corridor. In March the CDA announced it would reduce the amount to $65 million. On May 10, the Times-Dispatch reported that an agreement had been reached; the CDA had found investors willing to buy $66.74 million in bonds. The bond closed May 29, one year and a day after the CDA had been created--quite a

birthday belongs

The doo Marketp The Ma million to const mere $9 doomed tourists finally t more in simultan the Sixt with pu private elaborat

The sha part is t will be s because private i 13 inves remain

editoria

[Ms.

chew master

16

8/1/03, 8:10 AM

w.

(RTD,

is letter. honestly ate and equately ere has planned

ast, yet munity” uced to 8, 2002. ved the he CDA of $93 d Street would 10, the ad been g to buy 29, one -quite a

birthday. WHEN did any public discussion occur to determine the best use for the Sixth Street Marketplace, which belongs to the people of Richmond? I am not aware of any opportunity for public comment.

The doomed Marketplace. The Sixth Street Marketplace opened its doors on September 18, 1985. At the time, the Marketplace was the most expensive and most complexly financed public-private partnership to occur in Richmond.

The Marketplace cost $25 million (about $15 million of which was public money) and we have invested over $5 million more since it opened. Richmond.com reported that today the same structures would cost closer to $40 million to construct (** Interesting to note, that the 2003 assessed values of land and improvements to the property are a mere $919,000 -- the buildings between Grace and Marshall are assessed at $187,600). The Marketplace was clearly doomed after the two flagship stores closed and the city floundered and the area became “depressed.” But now that tourists will be flocking to the area for the new Convention Center, why tear down the Marketplace now? When finally there will be people to support the Marketplace. It is an interesting looking building and only promises to look more interesting with age. It is hypocritical for City Council to claim they want to bring retail back downtown while simultaneously tearing down a nice (nearly paid for) shopping center in the heart of Downtown. The experience of the Sixth St. Marketplace should serve as a warning to the people of Richmond, that judging from our past experience with public-private partnerships, it seems as though the project is merely a means to distribute public money to private interests. The new public-private deal to destroy 6th St. Marketplace is even more expensive and more elaborately financed.

The shameful destruction of public commercial retail space owned by the city is bad enough but perhaps the worst part is that the city will be committed to servicing a debt for the next 30 years. Council justifies the debt by saying it will be self-servicing by fees from parking and higher property assessments on some properties. This is objectionable because profits from parking fees could actually be going to the cityʼs coffers rather than big interest payments to private investors. Which brings up the subject of the investors, the Times-Dispatch reported May 29, 2003 there were 13 investors, “eight bond and insurance companies and five individuals. CDA officials say the investors have asked to remain unidentified...” Who are the investors, and who will be profiting from this value-destroying scheme? editorial continued on page 31.

[Ms. Information - “Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale).”]

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HKenneth EY its...

Lay! T

he man formerly calling the shots at ENRON

His company robbed California by over charging for energy during the state’s rolling electricity blackout crisis in 1999. Enron, based in Texas, saw profits triple to 100 billion dollars.

Kenny made sure that Enron was “grandfathered” to exploit a loophole in Texas state law. It kept Enron from installing modern pollution controls in Houston where pollution is some of the worst in the country.

The Houston Astros played at Enron Field. It cost an estimated 180 million from the Texas taxpayer and 100 million from Enron to build. The company

was then assured massive tax breaks along with a contract to power it.

Enron brought in 200 million a year for the few years the stadium held the name Enron Field.

August 2001 Kenny is told in a letter by the V.P. of Corporate Development Sherry Watkins “..that we will implode in a wave of accounting scandals.”

In response Kenny asks his corporate law firm to look into this possible problem. He then tells concerned employees that everything could not be better and proceeds to cash in his Enron Stock.

Other CEOs follow his example and the price of the stock plummets. The employees had their assets frozen while the company was in a “period of transition.”

December 2001 Enron files for chapter 11 bankruptcy protection from its creditors.

Kenny pleads the fifth in Congressional hearings.

He walked away with as much as $100 million dollars.

Why bring up old news?

Because we are taught to win in the United States, and if winning in business means making the most money no matter the cost, than Kenneth Lay is a winner. An untouchable who will never see the inside of a jail cell because of his connections to people in high places. He worked the angles, pulled the strings, and robbed everyone blind.

Wonder why we are in a recession?

You can look to the example set by our business leaders and the lack of government control over people who break the rules. No CEO will get punished. It is a corporate free-for-all and people are starting to realize that the corporation cares nothing for the average person they will never see. From insurance companies trying to hold out on paying anything until you are dead, to drug companies making sure you pay the prices they set while you are dying, and energy being a monopoly of the few who make up their own rules.

The institution that was American business has lost all integrity and the average American has become just a number on their credit card.

So here’s to you Kenny Lay, you have added to the snowball of America’s problems. You will be the Chew’s figurehead and when some sleazy corporate stuff goes down, We will ask, “Where is Kenny Lay? We know you will be around. r.a.h 07/20/03 Quote from ApeChild.com about Kenneth Lay: “Make sure you write us and let us know what hell looks like.”

13

CHEW ON THIS e AUGUST 2003

chew master

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[Ms. Information - “One quarter of all the bones in your body are in your feet.”]

8/1/03, 8:10 AM

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chew master

19

8/1/03, 8:11 AM

THE CHEESE TAX “City council was to

decide on if to raise the food tax on July 28th while this magazine was at the press. Whatever the outcome, it is important to realize the absurdity of even considering this a sound decision. At 10 and a half percent, Richmond would have the next to highest tax rate on prepared foods in the nation! For a $40 dollar tab, you will be paying $2.40, more than anyone eating in the surrounding counties.

When first imposed, meals taxes were considered a “luxury tax” because families dining out were the exception, thus travelers paid the bulk of the tax. Now, according to recent research, almost 50% of every dollar a family spends on food is at a restaurant, often on take-out or quick service. Thatʼs because for working parents and single parents, eating out is no longer a luxury, but a very necessary part of life. In addition to asking Richmond restaurants to shoulder the additional tax burden for the performing arts complex, the Mayor is also asking for approval to secure an additional $800,000 for the Cityʼs General Fund to be used for anything they want.”

Richard McDonnell, VHTAʼs Director of Government Relations “If the community wants this type of broad, transforming projects, then the costs of these projects should be broadly shared, rather than funded through a narrow tax on a single industry. Itʼs unfair for the City of Richmond to single out local restaurants to pay for projects like the proposed performing arts center.”

Rhoda Elliott, owner of Billʼs Barbecue “Arts complexes may provide some infrastructure, but they are far from the solution. Communities need street-level arts and music scenes, and the energy they generate, to be successful.”

Dr. Richard Florida, interview April 2003 “We may look back at this in 20 years and wish we did something different. Itʼs aggressive. It may be pie-in-the-sky, but weʼre working hard on it.”

Jack Berry, Richmond Renaissance, on current Downtown

plans, Inside Business. “[In my research], I found that the same cities with the worst unaddressed infrastructure problems were spending money on other public projects. There was money for some things but not others. What got funded depended on what worked politically.

Big, central-city projects with powerful backers – specifically stadiums, arenas, and convention centers – were happening despite limited fiscal resources, and infrastructure repair was not.

The immediate proponents [of convention centers] often are hotel owners and Convention and Visitors Bureaus. But itʼs usually the big boys, the major players in local business, who are really behind it. These are people who have a tremendous amount of money invested in the entire downtown area, and when the cityʼs economy is doing poorly theyʼre desperately concerned that they could lose a good part of what theyʼve put into downtown. They may grab at anything that looks as though it might preserve that investment, without thinking it through carefully – especially if itʼll be built with someone elseʼs money.

In those circumstances, it can be very difficult to stop the project, because of the incredible amount of money and resources – and passion – behind it.”

Heywood Sanders, San Antonio, Texas, Buffalo University Press interview

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CHEW ON THIS e AUGUST 2003

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[Ms. Information - “Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.”]

8/1/03, 8:11 AM

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8/1/03, 8:11 AM

����������

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THAT P UNK C HEF ����������������������������������� �������������������������

this month we make your Ramien Noodles gourmet

Three Days till Payday 1 pack of noodles 1 celery stalk chopped 1 carrot shreaded 1/4 onion diced 1 beef boullion cube 1 dash of your favorite hot sauce 1 dash of Worchestershire sauce

some advice for August

"If it comes down to Spam or condoms, try Treat & get the condoms too. Being a proponent of safe sex means the only thing you should be wiping is your mouth."

- a pinch of salt & pepper

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CHEW ON THIS e AUGUST 2003

chew master

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[Ms. Information - “Humans blink over 10,000,000 times a year.”]

8/1/03, 8:11 AM

[Ms. Info

Love from the Cup

restaurant

Why is it I always doubt myself when something good happens to me?

I spent a good part of my life in self-doubt trying one scheme or another to try what I thought was success. So I have become somewhat of an expert of near success. I found out that I had been my worst enemy. So I had to go out there and change the way I saw myself. If people thought that I was a loser it is probably because I thought I was a loser and thatʼs what you need to do stop being such a little willy-nilly. Make some changes, go see a life coach or a shrink, work out those problems and think about someone else besides yourself for once. There are people in Africa that canʼt eat a piece of bread right now. … Simply if you feel better about you, you will feel great about all you accomplish.

What is “taking it too far” with being a jealous guy?

A real good clue is having the police kicking your door and serving you a warrant for STALKING. But letʼs not go there yet. What I have wondered over the years is, Am I actually jealous of that person?...Is this why Iʼm freaking out? You know the feeling. Is she really out with her girlfriend … ALL night. When you use that excuse, what are you really doing! Iʼve heard some guys do some pretty crazy things when they become jealous. Once a guy I know became so obsessed with a girl that when he drove her away he would run (he had no car) from restaurant to restaurant trying to confront his ex with why and how could she do this to him. I think that was going too far, but the guy says he lost a lot of weight that year. Now he is unhappily married to a woman that never lets him out of her sight. Go figure. I humbly believe that when you feel you are losing all your self respect and you canʼt seem to think and all your friends wonʼt talk to you because you wonʼt stop talking about this girl. You have GONE too far.

world cup

coffee, teas and light fare 209 N robinson st mon-thurs 7a.m. - 1a.m. fri 7a.m. - 1a.m. sat 8a.m.- 1a.m. sun 8a.m. - midnite bring your laptop. high speed wireless

[Ms. Information - “Every second, American collectively eat 100 pounds of chocolate.”]

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CHEW ON THIS e AUGUST 2003 8/1/03, 8:11 AM

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18

W

Balance patience These a done. C definitel waitress complai through their bra

Server:

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8/1/03, 8:11 AM

Waitress Woes

Balance, memory, social skills, mathematics, organization, patience, time management, and of course the smile.

These are the ingredients essential to getting the job done. Contrary to popular belief, it is not an easy job and definitely worth more than the $2.13 an hour a waiter/ waitress is paid in Richmond. So what is the biggest complaint of our hard working service staff scattered all throughout the city? Customers who accidentally forgot their brain at home.

Server: “We have ranch, blue cheese, honey mustard, or tomato basil.”

Customer: “Iʼll have the Italian.”

Server: “Our special is an 8 ounce Filet, would you like to try that?”

Customer: “No! I donʼt want no Filet, Iʼm in the mood for steak tonight!”

Server: “And how would you like that cooked?”

Customer: “Well done please and could you tell them to hurry, I have a business meeting in 30 minutes.”

Server: “Can I get you something to drink?”

Customer: “No, I donʼt drink. Iʼll just take a water!”

Customer: “Iʼll have the nachos.”

Server: “Okay, anything else?”

Customer: “No, but I want everything on the side, including the cheese.”

Bartender: “What would you all like to drink?”

Customer: “Is all the beer on tap fresh?”

Bartender Sarcasm: “No. Actually, some kegs have been here since 1998.”

Customer: “Was that a stupid question?”

Bartender: “Do I really have to answer that for you?”

Customer: “Iʼll take a pint of bass.”

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8/1/03, 8:11 AM

Late Night Eats WEEKLY STUFF some of the things that go on each week...

club

Brea

9127 W

Brow

S 7th S

mon

Bandito's new location 354.9999

Capitol City main st.

Cafe Diem

devil’s workshop, bogarts sushi heaven, sticky rice

the B and B

tues

bootscooter, babes karaoke, sticky rice

Buffa

wed

special ed /short bus, cary st. cafe karaoke, bandito’s hump day, corner cafe innsbrooke after hours karaoke, the bottom line

the C

600 N. Sheppard St 353.2500

4th street 9 N 4th.St 648.2838

thrs

Easy Street Cafe

2401 W. Main St 355.1198

fri

Joe's Inn

205 n. shields ave 355.2282

sat

Sidewalk Cafe 2101 W. Main st.

358.0645

sun

Starlite

2600 W. Main St. 254.2667

3rd st. Diner

wax museum, nanci raygun karaoke, chuggers mike kemetic, hardshell dj rick danger, cosmos cheers, browns island dj will and kjell, europa mike kemetic, hardshell dj rick danger, cosmos dj will and kjell, europa dragshow, babe’s *1st sunday only neighbor’s apprication @ the corner cafe

7801 W

800 N.

Cafe

600 N.

the C

1545 E

Cary

2631 W

Chop

3129 W

Com

7115 S

Com

109 S.

The C

6233 S

Com

111 N.

GOING OUT TO...

Cros

1708 E. Main St 780.2344

11 S 1

217 W

218 e. main st 788.4750

T

Easy

2525

After Six

Have

Catch 22

Hard

Babes

Hoot

2525 W. Main St 204.2525

1718 E Main St. 343.1560 3166 West Cary St.355.9330

(more too come...)

Baja Bean Co.

*e-ml local@alocalmarket.com to be added

1520 W. Main St257.5445

chew master

26

7912 W 270.94

Lege

Bogart’s Back Room

Main Com

Bottoms Up Pizza

Metro

1700 Dock St 644.4400 w

1411 E

321 W 232.88

203 N. Lombardy St.353.9280

CHEW ON THIS e AUGUST 2003

2401 W

Barcode

6 E. Grace St.648.2040

21

1501 W

[Ms. Information - “Slugs have 4 noses.”]

8/1/03, 8:11 AM

1911 W

301 N.

clubbing + bar hopping

listings

Breakers

Mulligan’s in the Fan

Brown’s Island

the Nanci Raygun

the Border Chophouse and Bar

O’Briensteins

9127 W Broad St270.1461 S 7th St 643.2826

1501 W. Main St. 355.2907

Buffalo Wild Wings

7801 W. Broad St.672.8732

the Corner Cafe

800 N.Cleveland 355.1954

Cafe Diem

600 N. Sheppard St 353.2500

the Canal Club

1545 East Cary Street 262.810

1323 W Main St 353.8686

929 W Grace St 353.4263

1548 East Main Street 648.6271

Out of Bounds

2701 W. Broad St. 355.7390

Penny Lane Pub

207 N. 7th Street 780.1682

Poe’s Pub

2706 E Main St 500.7856

Rare Old Times

Cary Street Cafe

10602 Patterson Avenue 750.1346

Chopstix

Richbrau Brewing Company

2631 W. Cary St 353.7445 3129 W. Cary St.358.7027

Comedy Alley

7115 Staples Mill Road 266.9377

Comedy Club

109 S. 12th St. 643.5653

The Comedy Zone

1214 East Cary Street 644.3018

Richie’s Pacific Grill 1847 W. Broad St. 359.1224

Sauce at the Pizza Place

1727 E. Main St 6233 Staplesmill Road 262.9652 343.1300

Commercial Taphouse 111 N. Robinson St 359.6544

Crossroads

217 W. Cary St. 643.2060

Easy Street Cafe

2401 W. Main St 355.1198

Have a Nice Day

Secrets in the City 2001 E. Franklin St 343.1617

Sine Irish Pub 1327 E. Cary St. 649.7767

Southern Culture 2229 W. Main St 355.6939

11 S 18th St 771.1700

Hard Shell Cafe

1411 E. Cary St 643.2333

Sticky Rice 2232 W. Main St 358.7870

Hooters Restaurant

Tiki Bob’s Cantina

Legend Brewery

the Tobacco Company

7912 West Broad Street 270.9464 321 W. Seventh St. 232.8871

110 N. 18th St 644.9091

1201 E Cary St 782.9555

Main Street Beer Company

1911 W. Main St. 358.9620

Metro Grill

301 N. Robinson Street 353.4453 [Ms. Information - “Cat urine glows under a blacklight.”]

chew master

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CHEW ON THIS e AUGUST 2003 8/1/03, 8:11 AM

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22

THE NORVA ����������������������������� ��� ��������� ���� �������� �� ����������

A ug. 1 A P erfect Circle

AUGUST!!!

1- LOCAL SHOWCASE: SUMAC, THE DEEP SIX, KARMELLA’S GAME (mem. of the Beans) $7 mainstage 9:30 1- DOLL HOUSE: alternative, old school industrial, & new wave dance night $5 backstage 9:30 2- RHETT MILLER, ALEX DEZEN (of the Damnwells) (early show) $12 mainstage 7:00 2- ANTIBALAS AFROBEAT ORCHESTRA (late show) $12 mainstage 10:00

2- WAG: 60’s and 70’s garage and soul $5 backstage 9:30 3- CAUSTIC RESIN (mem. Built to Spill), GOOD TIME WOMEN $6 backstage 9:00 4- ILYA, THE CITY THE SEA $5 backstage 9:00 5- VIA TANIA (w/ Tim Kinsella), CARIBBEAN $7 backstage 9:00

6- SIGNS POINT TO YES, PAPER DOLL, CAROL BUI to benefit NARAL $6 backstage 9:00

7- TRANSFORMER BENEFIT- BANDS TBA $? backstage 8:30 8- THE WALKMEN, FRENCH KICKS, ROCKMASTER GENERAL $10 mainstage 9:30 8- QUEERCORE DC: DC’S ONLY QUEER PUNK DANCE NIGHT $5 backstage 9:30

9- MOUSETRAP DC’S BRIT POP DANCE NIGHT $7 mainstage 9:30 9- LEO LOVE PARTY: YALAN’S B-DAY AND BYE-BYE

2

6

$8 mainstage 8:30

11- ULTRA BIDE, CICADA, LEPRECHAUN CATERING $7 backstage 9:00 12- THE KICKASS, VALIENT THORR $5 backstage 9:00 13- EARLY DAY MINERS, UNWED SAILOR $7 backstage 9:00 14- EARLIMART, PATRICK PARK $7 backstage 9:00 15- LUNA, DAME FATE $15 mainstage 9:30 15- DRUM & BASS NIGHT w/JUNGLE JESSI, NO SKILZ, and

Cradle of Filth, K illswitch E ngage Shadows Fall, Sworn Enemy

13 Snoop Dogg 15 16 17 19

with a special guest Nickel Creek Twiztid, Society 1, Marz Reggie and The Full Effect Midtown, My Chemical Romance Senses Fail Blues Traveler Pete Francis of Dispatch

*** This show has been postponed

21 22

with DJs Paul and Phil Manley free backstage 9:00

10- MINUS THE BEAR, WE RAGAZZI, MY FAVORITE

Pygmy Love Circus DADA Some Odd Sense

23 24

until the Fall - New date to be announced soon ***

Marilyn Manson with a special guest 30th Anniversary Tour Beres Hammond Wailing Souls Marcia Griffiths Tito Jackson & The Brothers Band Blues Impact Rusted Root with a special guest

31 Dashboard Confessional, MxP x,

The Remedy Session with a special guest

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MEMBERS OF 302 ACID $5 backstage 9:00

16- THE LIBERTINES $12 mainstage 9:30 16- RIGHT ROUND: 80s alt-pop w/ DJ Lil’ E $5 backstage 9:30 17- VIC THRILL, WORLD INFERNO FRIENDSHIP SOCIETY

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$7 backstage 8:30

18- NEVA DINOVA, LA PIETA $5 backstage 9:00 20- MOTHERTONGUE: WOMENS SPOKEN WORD $5 backstage 9:00 21- JESUS EATER, DIXIE HUSTLER $5 backstage 9:00 22- CARLSONICS (CD release party), THEE SNUFF PROJECT, WASHINGTON SOCIAL CLUB $7 mainstage 9:30

22- CORRUPTION with DJ AARON HEDGES $5 backstage 9:00 23- LAKE SUPERIOR (Mark of Gray Matter, Casey of the Lies), CRASH LANDER $7 mainstage 9:30 23- BLISS: indie-pop dance night $6 backstage 9:00 24- OUT CIRCUIT, PINEBENDER $6 backstage 9:00 25-27 CLOSED FOR REPAIRS 28- URSULA MAJOR, CRIME & JUDY $5 backstage 9:00 29- WOOLY MAMMOTH, HIDDEN HAND, MEDIC $8 mainstage 9:30 29- GIRL FRIDAY: FIRST LADIES DJ COLLECTIVE DANCE NIGHT $5 backstage 10:00

AlleyKatz 10 WALNUT ALLEY RICHMOND VA. 23233 PHONE: 804-643-2816 www.alleykatz99.com for listings

31- FILM SCREENING: LA CHUTE DE LA MAISON SETPTMEBER 1- PAGODA, THE COLOR BARS $5 backstage 9:00 4- THE KILLS, WHIRLWIND HEAT $10 mainstage 8:30 - Q & NOT U, THE APES, ANTELOPE $8 mainstage 9:30 6- THE RAVEONETTES, STELLASTARR* $12 mainstage 8:30

28

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P Problem

The eter

by rebekah trachtenburg

The “how many” question came up today while

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driving to a funeral with my best friend. I had to count in consecutive order from the loss of my virginity to presently not having sex with anyone. I was glad to learn that she and I were even on the partner scale.

We then proceeded to discuss in great detail, “THE GOOD”, “THE BAD”, and the “GET OUT OF MY VAGINA, IMMEDIATELY!!!”. I realized that some of the most incredible, fog up the windows, going to need a few days to heal, sex was sex minus love and those partners that held my heart in one hand and breast in the other were foggy, quickly forgotten moments under the sheets. I thought it was just me plagued with this passionless love epidemic, but several of my close girlfriends have also suffered similar symptoms. Can you still have the mindblowing sex once youʼve fallen, or does love replace the multiple orgasms?

In honor of my recent singlehood, I followed the 5 year tradition and called Peter. I met him while cocktailing in CT the summer after I turned 21.

Originally he set me up with his best friend Travis, but in the end it was Peter who captured my heart.

The first night we had sex was in Travisʼ ex-girlfriends bed while they were house-sitting for her family. The only condom I had was a free one from the clinic and it happened to be black. The following night a frantic Peter found me at work as white as the sheets we had soiled. “Her parents came home tonight,” he said point blank as if I had psychic abilities and could just read the rest of the story from his mind. “I forgot to throw out the condom. I left it on the kitchen counter and they just called to tell me they found it.” I wasnʼt quite sure which was more incomprehensible, how the used black condom ended up downstairs on the kitchen counter or how her parents would ever be able to cut vegetables on that counter again.

Since t friendsh when w he had everythi brown e family, nieces, and this only co itself be pecker before, time fo is we o expresse five yea before w

[Ms.

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es

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Can you still have the mind-blowing sex once you’ve fallen, or does love replace the multiple “O’s”?

Since that summer, we have maintained a close friendship, which includes numerous congical visits when weʼre both single and that one night he forgot he had his psycho ex-girlfriend. I love Peter. I love everything about him, his charisma and charm, his silk brown eyes and accent when speaking Portuguese to his family, his gentle posture when reading e-mails from his nieces, his ability to loose me in hours of conversation, and this ambitious drive to create his own success. My only complaint about Peter is his penis. Not the penis itself because itʼs perfectly proportioned. But Peterʼs pecker only penetrates for approximately a minute before, well, climaxing and passing out. Almost every time for five years. I know that part of the problem is we only have sex on rare occasions and that he has expressed a tremendous attraction to me but Christ, after five years youʼd think heʼd learn to beat off at least once before we meet up.

[Ms. Information - “There are more plastic flamingos in the US than real ones.”]

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I am open about my frustration and find humor in it often, however the sex is not why I choose to continue to torment myself with only seeing him once in a great while. Obviously. A couple years back I had the most indescribable orgasms with this guy back home who I didnʼt really love, but I did really f**k. He put me in positions I have not even seen in the Kama Sutra Guide to Love Making.

I have an opportunity to revisit this past for some long needed satisfaction while I am home visiting, but Peter is also going to be home at the same time and although I am single and sexual, I choose not to jump from bed to bed. So what do I do? Great sex with a mediocre guy, or mediocre sex with a great guy? I do not have to contemplate this dilemma, for Iʼm pretty sure I know what I will choose. In the end, multiple orgasms come and go but it is Peter who is unforgettable.

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Some of

the WORLD’S WORST DATES FUKUOKU 9000 Now discover what Randy, owner of Triangle, Broadway & Quality books in Richmond, says is one of the best little secrets sold in his stores. It is the WORLDʼS SMALLEST MOST POWERFUL FINGERTIP MASSAGER. It is small enough to fit anywhere. You can keep it in your purse, pocket, bra, car, pillow case, wherever. It has an adjustable finger-fitting ring and is powerful enough to send out 9000 vibrations per minute. With three different Stimulation tips, itʼs like turning one massager into three. Itʼs a toy that women can use anywhere, anytime. Finally we too can get off while driving with ease and comfort. Imagine it, a couple sitting at a crowded club and only they know the secret pleasures happening underneath the bar. It is a toy with unlimited possibilities for excitement both publicly and privately.

The sensation is amazing, and when placed on the clitoris produces orgasmic results. The FUKUOKU 9000 is also perfect for oral sex as well. It is small enough to use without getting in the way of oral stimulation. For the man the massager, if used correctly, can be placed on the taint while going down tp speed up ejaculation time, as well as on the clit for females.

This toy is highly recommended and reasonably priced with two sets of batteries included in the box. For people who are interested, but are rather inexperienced with alternative stimulation, this massager is a perfect starter toy. You can find them at all three locations: Quality Books in Carytown, Broadway Books on Mechanicsville Trpk, and Triangle Books on Boulevard.

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w

One night, I had a date with this girl. She was driving us down Monument and I was sure she saw this car coming in the opposite direction but, BANG, she ran right into them trying to make a left.

It wouldnʼt have been that bad but there was a cop right behind us when it happened. So needless to say we have to talk to the cops immediately. The girl has to take a field sobriety test, fails, and ends up getting hauled off to jail. Before being put in the cruiser she looks at me and says, “I never thought Iʼd be put in handcuffs unless I wanted to.” I have to break into her apartment and wake up her roommate.

I scare the shit out of her and then in my drunken state immediately try to hook up with her which then pisses her off even more. I ended up just passing out. We woke up at 7 am to get my date out of jail and go to 4th street for breakfast. The whole time I was just waiting for the roommate to fill her friend in on my actions the night before. It was really the perfect ending to a horrible night. -Jim, 30 My date and I went out downtown and did quite a bit of drinking and she ended up staying over that night. In the morning, we went out to breakfast at a diner. The waitress took our order and we sat trying to recover. Apparently my date was in a lot worse shape than I thought. Due to her really bad hangover and the smell of food everywhere she turned and puked all over the table, floor and herself. The sad thing is, this was not the only time this happened to me. I have taken 2 different dates on 2 different occasions out to the same diner for hangover breakfast and theyʼve gotten sick.

-Jeff, 37 I mistakenly agreed to go on a blind date with this guy when I was living in Florida. I met him at the Miami Zoo. He did not offer his wallet when we reached the ticket booth so I did for the both of us.

The afternoon consisted of me filling every ounce of silence with forced conversation. When he did speak, which was sparingly, large amounts of saliva was produced, creating strings of drool traveling from his upper to lower lip. I tried to dodge the balls of spit his speech projected with substantial distance.

We headed out to dinner. His choice? A restaurant that smelled like a convalescent home with terrible service and early bird specials. Upon receiving the check, my date realized that he had no cash and forgot his credit card. I think his name sums up the entire experience. I never called Thor again. -Kirsten, 26

8/1/03, 8:11 AM

H Real back

WHA

1. Don firs 2. Don 3. Don fail you 4. Don an h 5. Don 6. Don 7. Don and 8. Don 9. Don

10. Do

Hindsight

Real Richmonderʼs advice after looking back on their own experiences.

WHAT NOT TO DO ON A FIRST DATE 1. Donʼt tell me why you got divorced in the first place.

2. Donʼt bring your mom on the date.

3. Donʼt analyze why your past relationship failed and then whip out pictures of your ex.

4. Donʼt eat a whole bunch of mushrooms an hour before she picks you up.

5. Donʼt forget your wallet.

6. Donʼt pee on a girl unless she asks you to.

7. Donʼt tell me how screwed up you are and that you have 25 different ailments.

8. Donʼt ask the waitress for her phone number.

9. Donʼt pick your nose.

10. Donʼt talk about your cock size.

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8/1/03, 8:11 AM

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8/1/03, 8:11 AM

The Letter Cont... continued from page 12.

Jim Watkins of Richmond Renaissance holds one of the five chairs on the board of the CDA. The Sixth Street Marketplace fiasco is Richmondʼs equivalent to the nationʼs corporate scandals, and Richmond newspapers are keeping silent. There is no accountability on the part of City Council, Richmond Renaissance, or the Broad St. CDA. Bulldoze and pass the money please. Yet the Marketplace belongs to the citizens of Richmond.

Other members on the board of the CDA include Chicago developer, Gary A. Beller, who wants to convert Miller and Rhoads into a luxury hotel; James Procaccianti, the Rhode Island CEO of the Procaccianti Group that owns the Richmond Marriot; Ronald Stallings, a landowner and developer in the adjacent Jackson Ward; and Brad Armstrong, CEO of the Virginia Performing Arts Foundation, which plans to build a performing arts complex at Sixth and Broad Streets. The Broad Street “Community” Development Authority is not made up of the community; it is a private-capitalist government entity that is deciding how to use Richmondʼs valuable public resources. First the Marketplace, next the River.

Another disturbing consideration is that J. Stewart Bryan III, chairman and publisher of the Richmond TimesDispatch is on the board of the Virginia Performing Arts Foundation. Therefore the main newspaper of Richmond has a potential conflict of interest in reporting the news critically and objectively which helps to explain the lack of opposition being reported in the Times-Dispatch. In fact, just today the Times-Dispatch editorially came out in favor of the meal tax increase to help fund the downtown performing arts center.

Tearing down the 6th Street Marketplace

is wrong and we should all do all that we can to prevent this error.

Respectfully yours, Silver Persinger Also check out www.saverichmond.com, which I didnʼt create but I do support.

Most citizens of Richmond do not know this, but Silver ran for 6th District for Richmondʼs city council. He was not remotely close in the vote count, but is contemplating running again this November in the special election for the seat Mr. El-Aminʼs felony conviction left open.

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8/1/03, 8:11 AM

cars + tech

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How my Mini got a Hummer!

By J. Yamashita and L. Salzberg

T

oday we test-drove the Hummer H2 and the Mini Cooper.

The worldʼs coolest clown car vs.

Americaʼs largest penis pump. The off road monster that eats kids and gas for

lunch and your wallet for dinner (and your wife for desert), and the car that made The Italian Job a worthwhile movie.

To begin, the H2 is huge. Everything about it, the tires, the buttons, the seats, the legroom, and, of course,

the price tag, costing about $50,000.00 for the base model, you should know youʼre going to pay for those extra inches. The Mini is the little engine that could. Almost. Lacking the S versionʼs turbo, it was slow in the pickup, but a great handler of the road. The vintage dashboard was a plus and the dual sunroof with shade guard was really cool.

With the H2 getting 10 miles a gallon and the Mini working on 24-25 miles a gallon you be the judge of what you can afford. And with property tax being what it is and not to mention the whole parking issue, take your time to decide. Think, What Would Jesus Do? in this situation. If youʼre a believer, then go with god. If youʼre a non-believer then follow that almighty dollar and buy whatever the hell you want.

We loved both of them. Each one filled a different pipe dream, and at almost $100,000 grand for both, we decided that these would make great 2nd cars.

At least buying one could help our economy.

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[Ms. Information - “Clinophobia is the fear of beds.”]

8/1/03, 8:11 AM

[Ms. Inform

cars + tech

iseeu

By L. Salzberg

P

e possible by the kind relude - This article was mad located on Main St. yʼre The .

Mac folks at Capitol hts in stock. If after iSig of near VCU, and have plenty questions, give them a call reading this you have any - 804.358.3100. ponent of iChatAV, Appleʼs The iSight is the video com e . It allows you and someon instant messaging program in o, vide and io h, with aud else to talk back and fort itself is the length of a small nearly real time. The camera diameter, and weighs next to cell phone, about an inch in is made using the included tion nec con nothing. A single audio, video and power. the FireWire cable and handles an instruction manual. and nts mou e thre It comes with The cost...$149.

For setup all you have to do is mount the camera to your monitor, plug it into one of your FireWire ports, and launch iChat. You then select an AOL or .Mac buddy and invite them to chat. Next a window will open so you can preview what you look like. If everything is up to par, youʼre ready to go. Your friend will appear on the screen with his/her voice coming out of your speakers and vice versa.

Youʼre ready to iTalk, iSex, or iDrunkDial the night away. And when youʼre finished, simply say goodbye and close the window. Done.

On the upside, the audio and video look great, latency is minimal, and ease of use is just that. Imagine Friendster or Suicide Girls where everyone had this, WTF! And you can talk to anyone no matter where theyʼre located...Australia, Japan, Liechtenstein, all as if they were sitting across the street. The possibilities for the iSight seem endless. From a doctor walking someone through a medical emergency to your favorite porn actress doing live feeds. On the downside, itʼs only available for the Mac, not many people have one, and iChatAV is still in Beta.

But who cares, if youʼre a tech junkie or just a Mac loyalist, the iSight is a great way to spend your hard earned cash. Besides, now I need someone to talk to.

[Ms. Information - “No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half.”]

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A

By D

CSS ( to pre of def for th in Oct softw includ Califo void C {

}

void CS {

}

v oid C {

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8/1/03, 8:11 AM

A DeCss Primer

By Dee C. Essess

CSS (Content Scrambling System) is an encryption and authentication scheme intended to prevent DVD movies from being digitally copied. DeCSS refers to the general process of defeating CSS, as well as to DeCSS source code and programs. This is the source code for the CSS descrambling algorithm that was posted anonymously to the LiViD mailing list in October 1999. The C code was supposedly written by someone who disassembled a software DVD player to uncover the descrambling algorithm. The code was subsequently included in an unsealed legal filing by John Hoy, president of the DVD-CCA, in the California trade secret lawsuit against Andrew McLaughlin and 92 other defendants. void CSSdescramble(unsigned char *sec,unsigned char *key) { unsigned int t1,t2,t3,t4,t5,t6; unsigned char *end=sec+0x800;

}

t1=key[0]^sec[0x54]|0x100; t2=key[1]^sec[0x55]; t3=(*((unsigned int *)(key+2)))^(*((unsigned int *)(sec+0x56))); t4=t3&7; t3=t3*2+8-t4; sec+=0x80; t5=0; while(sec!=end) { t4=CSStab2[t2]^CSStab3[t1]; t2=t1>>1; t1=((t1&1)<<8)^t4; t4=CSStab5[t4]; t6=(((((((t3>>3)^t3)>>1)^t3)>>8)^t3)>>5)&0xff; t3=(t3<<8)|t6; t6=CSStab4[t6]; t5+=t6+t4; *sec++=CSStab1[*sec]^(t5&0xff); t5>>=8; }

void CSStitlekey1(unsigned char *key,unsigned char *im) { unsigned int t1,t2,t3,t4,t5,t6; unsigned char k[5]; int i;

}

t1=im[0]|0x100; t2=im[1]; t3=*((unsigned int *)(im+2)); t4=t3&7; t3=t3*2+8-t4; t5=0; for(i=0;i<5;i++) { t4=CSStab2[t2]^CSStab3[t1]; t2=t1>>1; t1=((t1&1)<<8)^t4; t4=CSStab4[t4]; t6=(((((((t3>>3)^t3)>>1)^t3)>>8)^t3)>>5)&0xff; t3=(t3<<8)|t6; t6=CSStab4[t6]; t5+=t6+t4; k[i]=t5&0xff; t5>>=8; } for(i=9;i>=0;i--) key[CSStab0[i+1]]=k[CSStab0[i+1]]^CSStab1[key[CSStab0[i+1]]]^key[CSStab0[i]];

v oid CSStitlekey2(unsigned char *key,unsigned char *im) { unsigned int t1,t2,t3,t4,t5,t6; unsigned char k[5]; int i;

}

t1=im[0]|0x100; t2=im[1]; t3=*((unsigned int *)(im+2)); t4=t3&7; t3=t3*2+8-t4; t5=0; for(i=0;i<5;i++) { t4=CSStab2[t2]^CSStab3[t1]; t2=t1>>1; t1=((t1&1)<<8)^t4; t4=CSStab4[t4]; t6=(((((((t3>>3)^t3)>>1)^t3)>>8)^t3)>>5)&0xff; t3=(t3<<8)|t6; t6=CSStab5[t6]; t5+=t6+t4; k[i]=t5&0xff; t5>>=8; } for(i=9;i>=0;i--) key[CSStab0[i+1]]=k[CSStab0[i+1]]^CSStab1[key[CSStab0[i+1]]]^key[CSStab0[i]];

CHEW ON THIS e AUGUST 2003

Compile at your own risk.

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Street Icon

Name: John (icons donʼt require last names) Age: 27 (?)

“Iʼm living the perfect hippy life. Iʼm out on the streets everyday protesting Bush and I lead a simple life.”

Looking for some intellectual conversation that your friends and family cannot provide? Your local street philosopher is right around the corner. When approached, John immediately invited me to sit and talk. Other than his ungroomed appearance, John is quite the contrary to the stereotyped “hobo”. I found him intelligible and very proficient with current events, mainly the war on President Bush and Fascism. John wants people to know that he is not just a wise guy concerning his “Bush is Hitler” sign. He believes Bush is an actual threat to the US and that there are too many parallels to the Third Reich and Bushʼs power connected throughout the federal government.

When asked about his past, John went as far to reply “I was born a poor black child.” He did, however, mention that he has been in Richmond since 1973 and used to reside in Brazil.

Commenting on his current situation of living in a tent in a warehouse, John stated “I am not homeless, rather houseless. Although, the downside of not paying rent is that you have to move a lot.” On the issue of ones safety being houseless, John stated “On this wrung on the ladder, trouble comes from below and above.” John is talking about the greed on the streets as well as being a perfect target for a few mentally unstable police officers looking to let off some steam.

John believes fighting Bush is a full-time job, so donations are always accepted. Show your love and support at the intersection of Broad & Belvidere. Also coming in September, we are proud to announce that John will have his own column in Chew. We assure you not even Pat OʼReilly can give you the news this straight.

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[Ms. Information - “A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.”]

8/1/03, 8:11 AM

what were you saying?

Who wrote this rock anthem?

Why does the p.m.r.c. suck?

And what did it do? eml local@alocalmarket.com to win something

ild inside.â&#x20AC;?]

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8/1/03, 8:12 AM

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Wife To 1998 D Confirm

(1998, B happene neighbo year-old her off

To his d below. H fell tow reasons was he accomp comple Name: Dana Craig Age: 24 Birthplace: Knoxville, TN Do you like Richmond: Immensely How long have you been here: 7 months Musical taste: indie rawk

Name: Louis Age: 24 Birthplace: Houston, TX Do you like Richmond: At first I did, but I seem to enjoy it less and less every day.

What is the reason for moving to Richmond: Small town with a lot to do (good restaurants, good music scene, eclectic people) and a certain boyfriend lives here.

What caught your eye: music, architecture, vibe of the city What would you do to improve this city: Less ABC regulations: Richmonders are good people that like to throw back a stiff drink every now and then. We are not morons that canʼt handle a good time without breaking something. Stop shutting down clubs, restaurants, etc. where people are just having a good time. I think the city council doesnʼt have anything better to do, so they target alcohol. Letʼs throw on our hoops skirts and return to the nostalgia of Prohibition.

Describe, in your words, the culture of Richmond: Something for everyone. If youʼre a frat boy, thereʼs stuff to do. If youʼre an indie chick, thereʼs stuff to do.

If youʼre a rich old woman, thereʼs stuff to do. If youʼre outdoorsy, thereʼs stuff to do. Thereʼs not just one culture to Richmond.

Thoughts about the Canal Walk: Pretty cool. I like that they are building up the riverfront and keeping people from fleeing to the West End after work and on weekends.

What is the reason for moving to Richmond: I moved here to escape small town life and become a famous rock star.

What caught your eye: For the first time, there was so much to see that everything caught my eye. It was all a blur, and the blurriness seemed very exciting.

Describe, in your words, the culture of Richmond: Everybody hates everybody else, but respectfully so.

Thoughts about the Canal Walk: Had fun there? Once I brought a date there and she said it smelled like poop.

When out drinking, what are your top 5 drinking holes: My #1 drinking hole is my mouth. Iʼd rather not discuss #2-5.

Howʼs the music scene in Richmond: The music scene in Richmond is like a big high-school talent show. Nobody really has their act together, or if they do, theyʼre either too loud or nobody understands what theyʼre singing about. Mostly, though, itʼs just a bunch of kids having some good clean fun and getting blurry afterwards.

When out drinking, what are your top 5 drinking holes: 1. Sticky Rice; 2. Avalon; 3. Banditoʼs; 4. Capital Ale House; 5. The Hill Café

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[Ms. Information - “The electric chair was invented by a dentist.”]

8/1/03, 8:12 AM

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Wife Tossing in Buenos Aires 1998 Darwin Awards Winner Confirmed True by Darwin (1998, Buenos Aires) Did he win the argument? It happened in February 1998 in a working-class Boedo neighborhood. During a heated marital dispute, a 25year-old man picked up his 20-year-old wife and threw her off their eighth-floor apartment balcony.

To his dismay, she became tangled in the power lines below. He immediately leapt from the balcony and fell towards his wife. We can only speculate as to his reasons. Was he angrily trying to finish the job, or was he remorsefully hoping to rescue her? He did not accomplish either goal. He missed the power lines completely, and plunged to his death.

The woman managed to swing over to a nearby balcony and was saved.

to enjoy moved famous

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(18 May 1999, Panama City) In a similar story, a Dominican woman exacted her dying revenge on her boyfriend, who tossed her off their third-floor balcony, by dragging him down with her. Maria Mendez, 32, was killed instantly in the fall. Her boyfriend, Luis Alberto Camargo, was rushed to a nearby hospital in serious condition.

According to neighbors, the confrontation occurred early Tuesday morning after Camargo, 30, discovered Mendez in a local bar. The two returned to their apartment and exchanged harsh words that culminated in the fateful plunge.

media hype machine

������������ ��� ���������

This month’s Media Hype Machine product is Lisa Marie Prestley.

Beautiful, good voice, plus she is a king’s child.

How can she miss?

But her appearences on like thirty or so semi events, being married to Jacko,on the cover of Rolling Stone, interviews on tv and radio talk shows, have the the cogs of the media machine working overtime considering SHE DOESNT HAVE A HIT SONG!!!

But never fear, the giant corporate media machines will keep on turning out bad products and cramming them down our throats.

Strange News Tuesday, May 06, 2003 San Francisco hosts “Masturbate-a-Thon” http://mistro.blogspot.com/ SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - More than 100 men and women have gathered in famously liberal San Francisco this weekend for what organizers said was the cityʼs second annual public “Masturbate-a-Thon”.

Organizers said they have taken the event “from the sheets to the streets”, offering volunteers -- 18 years or older -- the opportunity to overcome their inhibitions in “a safe environment” and raise money for charity.

[Ms. Information - “85% of women wear the wrong bra size.”]

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upcoming for september

re...

were he u o y h s i W

illustration

han

by jim cala

Cheap Bastard...

How To Live Cheap

the story of pbr and richmond... live on a budget... where to eat, drink and shop cheap... the punk chef and a home cooked meal for 2...

chew master

46

8/1/03, 8:12 AM

han

chew master

47

8/1/03, 8:12 AM

chew master

48

8/1/03, 8:12 AM