Chew On This Magazine - December 2003

SERIES 1 EPISODE 6 DECEMBER 2003

HEW ON THIS KEEP IT ON YOU

FRE

Richmond City Council believes that Jamestown will save Richmond in 2007. Big business is crawling from their caves to convince the powers that be to spend our taxes on crazy tourist attractions. We here at Chew have a proposal on a much grander scale. If Richmond is spending our money, we’d rather it be something functional useful. Forget the 300 foot statue, never mind the citywide trolley streetcar system; we’re going underground.

CHEW ON THIS Series 1, Episode 6 December 2003 CREATIVE DIRECTOR Stuart Biddle MANAGING EDITOR Jonathan Martin ASSOCIATE EDITOR Lander Salzberg

EDITORIAL Leave your house right now and do all your shopping. Don’t procrastinate. However, don’t forget to take care of yoursel while running around like a headless chicken.

The stress of this season can really get to people. Just look at how the traffic is changing.

The biggest gift you can give yourself this season is to stay far away from the West End. Shop Carytown, shop Grace Street, shop the Bottom, just do not go to Short Pump.

This time of year it’s important to give local Richmond establishments the gift of your hard earned cash. Keep it local.

Here is our guide to survive. Inside we have some great gift ideas, as well as a how-to guide for ‘lowering your expectations so as to not be disappointed yet again this year’.

Better yet, our sex section will help you learn how to relieve that holiday stress.

Richmond, this is our gift to you. -WWJD

ASSISTANT EDITOR Kirsten Lewis GRAPHIC DESIGNER Justin Vaughan ILLUSTRATION EDITOR R. Anthony Harris PRODUCTION ARTIST R. Anthony Harris ADVERTISING DIRECTOR Jonathan Martin DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Lander Salzberg CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Bubbles, Claudio, Mike Conroy, Christian Detres, The Filthy Apes, Molly Grace, Igor, Ryan McKee, Alison Miller, Marie Potoczny, Ryan Pollack, Rebekah Trachtenburg, Kevin Wheeler CONTRIBUTING ILLUSTRATORS Jim Callahan, Dalek, Rob Dobi, Oura CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS The Filthy Apes, Dana Frostick

The advertising and articles appearing within this publication reflect the opinions and attitudes of their respective authors and not necessarily those of the publisher or editors. Chew On This Magazine is published monthly and is free of charge. All material within this magazine is © 2003. Chew On This Magazine will soon be a registered trademark of Local Market, L.L.C. mail 2130 W. Main St. email info@alocalmarket.com.

CHEWONTHIS

CONTENTS

SEX and the SEXES

ART DALEK...pg 01 UNDERGROUND ART SHOW...pg 03 ARTSPACE...pg 04

PETER, THE FINAL CHAPTER...pg 25 ONE NIGHT STANDS...pg 28 AN ORAL REPORT...pg 29

MUSIC

the HOLIDAYS

ROBBIE HUDDLESTON OF ANN BERETTA...pg 07 ONE MAN’S TRASH...pg 09 THE FONTANAS...pg 10 DOWNLOADING MUSIC...pg 11 GEORGE CLINTON...pg 13

CHRISTIANS ARE OK...pg 32 ODE TO JOY...pg 34

by Christian Detres

TECH

FOOD

THE PASSION OF THE PIRATE PICK-POCKTING...pg 35

THAT PUNK CHEF...pg 16

FUN STUFF

LOCAL STUFF

THE ABSOLUTELY TRUE HOROSCOPES...pg 37 CHEW ON THIS CROSSWORD...pg 38 WEBSITE OF THE MONTH...pg 39

THE RISING SUBCULTURE OF SCENESTARS...pg 17 KNOW YOUR LOCALS...pg 19 THE PATRIOT ACT...pg 22

LISTINGS SHOW VENUES...pg 41 BRUNCH, LATE NIGHT, KARAOKE, THE LIST...pg 43 HOLIDAY GIFT IDEAS...pg 45

ART

COMMENTARY + OPINIONS

AN INTERVIEW WITH...

by John Yamashita

What was your first tag? Where did you do it?

The very first tags were when I was going to school in Richmond back around ’91, I think. I won’t divulge the moniker...it was pretty bad anyhow.

Do you still tag or has growing up change your ways?

Growing up has changed how I see the consequences of those actions. I have things that need to be handled that don’t involve dealing with the police and all that bullshit. I catch a few tags here and there...it’ll always be in the blood I suspect.

Where does graffiti fit in to American art, or is it American culture?

American culture/American art...I think it’s a part of both. It has its own place for sure.. I don’t think it needs or asks for the vaildation of mainstream America... it is a self-sufficient entity that will continue to thrive for years to come.

Do you still do grafitti murals or do you stick straight to canvas and electronic work?

I still paint walls...anytime the opportunity comes up.

It’s something I still love to do and probably always will. It’s a nice switch up from hovering over canvases day after day.

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What would your last meal be before getting executed?

That’s a hard one...so many possibilities. If I have to pick one, I think...fried chicken and mashed potatos.

Up coming shows/events?

I have a show here [NYC] next week at the Asian American Arts Centre and a couple large scale group shows over the holidays in Detroit and San Francisco.

When do the toys come out?

There are some small toys available now by Sony Creative Products and hopefully some larger scale stuff by next summer.

Any other things you want to touch on that would be cool too.

I am more for answering specific questions. I am not good with freestyle. Although I think the world needs to revolt against celebrity worship. It has to stop. It’s really sad and pathetic that we give these people so much attention, and the precedent that it sets for future generations is appalling.

[Dr. Who - “Daleks were Dr. Who’s Arch-Nemesis - Ex-ter-min-ate...You must die. ”]

I still paint walls... anytime the opportunity comes up.

Art

photo by Kirsten Lewis

UNDERGROUND

ART SHOW

by Kirsten Lewis Thirty-nine year old, self-taught artist, Donnie Green has organized the first annual Underground Art Festival on Broad Street at the Polka Dot Gallery. Green, who will be showing new and recent paintings as well as his new masterpiece, the 96”x 48” piece entitled, “The Cutter, Blossom and Wither.” One cannot simply pass by the vibrant, intricate, and often dream-like interpretations of Green’s life. His use of color and detail provide a maze of wonder left for the observer to study and appreciate. Geometric paths of intertwining lines coupled with realistic human and some not so human forms create canvases with wonder and magnitude.

Other artists include three members of the band Gwar, Dave Brockie, Bob Goreman and Matt McGuire. All three artists work in an illustrative nature in several different mediums, including pen and ink, and oils. Ed Trask, native Richmonder and drummer for Avail, whose work has been seen in Juxtapose magazine, is strong and poignant, yet loose and subtle with his brush strokes. With an almost 1950’s railroad era feel cradling his images, Trask’s work conveys emotion and familiarity to the observer. Jeff Eden, nationally known tattoo artist, greets visitor’s at the door with his piece entitled “Lilith.” It’s a dark and thought provoking image of an estranged Mary holding a symbolically suffering Jesus. Wes Freed, known for fronting bands such as Mudhelmut, Dirtball and The Shiners, as well as for his incredible paintings and album covers for such bands as Cracker and Drive By Truckers, also has several pieces covering the walls. Chris Ijams, the only handprint photographer, has a series of nudes included in this show. His images are bold and sensual with extreme contrast between the hard highlights and soft shadows. He gives fellow photographers inspiration to continue selenium toning in a darkroom rather than fine-tuning in Adobe Photoshop.

There are several other artists’ work hanging and standing, from paintings to photographs to luminous sculptures and video. The show opened on November 15th and will run until the 2nd week in December. The show will be open and included in December’s First Friday. This is a wonderful collection of intrigue and imagination with the perfect blend of style. A highly recommended stop when traveling around the city.

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[Ms.StarWars - “Chewbacca is 2.28 meters tall and is over 200 years old!”]

photo by Dana Frostick

ARTSPACE

by R. Anthony Harris

Could you give a little background on Artspace for people who have no idea what the group has done for the art community here in Richmond?

Artspace is a non-profit gallery for the visual and performing arts, promoting the understanding and awareness of contemporary art. In 1988, the gallery began as an association of Richmond artists who wished to show their work as well as offer exhibition space to other local artists. Since that time, Artspace has continuously offered monthly exhibitions and performances of contemporary art to the Richmond community and we have accomplished this almost entirely due to the efforts of its members. These are volunteers who give their time and money to the cause of the gallery.

Artspace has been an anchor for the First Friday Artwalk for many years but now you are moving, why?

Artspace has always and will always support the First Friday On & Off Broad monthly Artwalk (www.First FridayRichmond.com). At its inception, First Friday was instigated by then Artspace president, Christina Newton. Under her guidance, Artspace served as an umbrella organization for First Friday as it aimed for its own non-profit status. This is a wonderfully successful monthly event that we hope will continue to bring contemporary art to the Richmond community.

Artspace’s decision to move away from Broad Street is not intended to detract from the success of First Friday, but to expand our mission into a new area of the city. The Plant Zero building, just south of the James across the 14th St. bridge, encompasses an entire city block between E. 3rd & 4th and Hull & Decatur. The building is located in Manchester, which has recently been designated the “Arts District in Manchester” (ADIM).

[Ms. StarWars - “Ewoks speak Tagalog, the Filipino language ”]

Major factors in our decision to move there include: affordable rent, the ability to customize the space to meet our needs before we move in, handicap accessibility, a 150 car parking lot, proximity to Shockoe Bottom, and the potential to increase our membership through the 100 plus artists who will have studios located in Plant Zero or in Art Works Studios & Galleries (www.artworksrichmond.com), which shares part of the block with Plant Zero.

What will Plant Zero do for our artistic community?

Plant Zero will offer affordable studio spaces for working artists, helping to fill the void felt since the closing of Shockoe Bottom Arts Center (now relocated in Petersburg). We will surely see other local non-profits making their way to Plant Zero as well, due to the low cost and art-friendly atmosphere.

Additionally, Artspace’s new gallery will include a larger and more technically capable performance space than we currently have and Plant Zero itself has an even larger area set aside for performances and functions. The adjoining Art Works Studios & Galleries is already open and offers additional studios and services to artists as well as monthly juried shows.

When is the move and what is the first showing going to be?

Artspace’s new lease at Plant Zero starts in March 2004. Our first show at the new space will be the Virginia Society for the Photographic Arts (VSPA).

Their entire group has been invited to participate in this exhibition.

You can learn more about VSPA at: http://freenet.vcu.edu/arts/vspa/

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Museums and Galleries 1708 Gallery 319 W. Broad St. 643.1708

Lora Robbins Gallery University of Richmond 289.8276

Agecroft Hall & Gardens 4305 Sulgrave Road.

353.4241

Main St Gallery 1537 W. Main St. 359.3499

Artemis Gallery 1601 W. Main St 353.2676

Marsh Art Gallery University of Richmond 289.8279

Artists Downtown Access 228 W.Broad 644.0100

Maymont 1700 Hampton St. 358.7166

Artspace 6 E. Broad St. 782.8672

Museum of the Confederacy 201 E. Clay St. 648.1861

Astra Gallery 3141 W. Cary St. 257.5467

Orange Door Gallery 12 W. Broad St. 648.7771

Black History Museum 00 Clay St. 780.9093

Richmond History Center 1015 E. Clay St. 649.0711

Brazier Gallery W. Cary St. 359.2787 Chasen Gallery 3554 W. Cary St. 204.1048 Children’s Museum of Richmond 2626 W. Broad St. 470.7010

GALAXY DINER “Home of the fried pickle” In the heart of Carytown 3109 W.Cary 804-213-0510 A cosmic theme Diner with a twist.

A five page menu featuring hand-made milkshakes, burgers, 12” hot-dogs, fried Oreo’s, and much, much more.

Does anyone like Juke Boxes?

Corporate and Museum Frame 301 W. Broad St. 643.6858 Cudahy’s Gallery 1314 E. Cary St. 782.1776 Dementi Studios 3851 Springfield Rd. 648.9003 For Art’s Sake Gallery 3451 W. Cary St. 353.8101 Hand Workshop Art Center 1812 W. Man St. 353.094 the Ink Tattoo & Art 1825A W. Main St. 359.4755 John Muir Gallery 6 N. Sixth St. Suite 102 594.0855 Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens 1800 Lakeside Ave. 262.9887 Library of Virginia 800 E. Broad St. 692.3592

Richmond Public Library 101 E. Franklin St. 646.4740 Science Museum of Virginia 2500 W. Broad St. 864.1400 The University of Richmond Museum University of Richmond 289.8276 Upcast Gallery 221 Brook Rd. 225.7171 Uptown Gallery 1305 W. Main St. 353.8343 Virginia Aviation Museum International Airport 236.3622 Virginia Holocaust Museum 2000 E. Cary St. 257.5400 Historical Society 428 N. Boulevard 358.4901 Virginia Museum 2800 Grove Ave 340.1400 Virginia Science Museum 2500 W. Broad St. 864.1400 Visual Art Studio 208 W. Broad St. 644.1368

MUSIC

COMMENTARY

BANDS

+RESOURCEs

ROBBIE HUDDLESTON of

ANN BERETTA

by Christian Detres

You’re currently in the car by yourself, driving from show to show, on your solo tour. Are you missing the band? Looking forward to having some company on the road?

Yeah, this is totally different from touring with the band. Driving by myself is driving me insane. I miss the company a lot.

You and former bandmates in Inquisition, Avail, Strike Anywhere, Sixer, River City High and others have laid such a foundation for other bands coming out of this city. You’re all in separate bands now. Do you ever feel a rivalry to be better or more “popular” than those that have gone on to found those other bands? Do you compare Ann Beretta to them?

No, not at all. We’re our own biggest competition.

We’ve never felt we needed to do anything bigger or more important in comparison to them. We try to outdo ourselves all the time. We’re excited when any of them succeed. We hope our success benefits them as

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well. I mean if we ever got on MTV, TRL or whatever, you’d see us on there wearing Strike Anywhere and Avail T-shirts.

Do you see the band making any major departures from the current sound that you own? Any power ballads in the works? Any need to experiment?

Haha, yeah, we try to throw in something new on every album. What that ends up being we never really know until we start recording. We don’t like to get too comfortable. I mean, we have to play these songs over and over again, in the studio and on tour. We want to keep it fresh - not letting things get stale, otherwise we’d bore ourselves to death. We do it more for that reason than to be constantly looking for new approaches to songs for it’s own sake.

So, do you miss Richmond much on the road? Or is it a new experience on each tour that you’re dying to get out of town?

Oh, totally. I miss Richmond a lot. It’s funny, when I

[Mr. Perry says - “Don’t Stop Believin’ ”]

started doing this, travelling to shows and performing, the biggest excitement was getting the hell out of Richmond. But the more and more you stay away, the more you miss home. I’m looking forward to the four days I’ll be home after I finish my solo tour, before I go back on the road with Ann Beretta.

That’s it? Four days? Damn. When will you be playing Richmond again, by the way?

Man, not until early 2004. I don’t know the exact date but sometime early spring most likely. The tour we’re leaving for right now is mostly just West Coast shows with the band CruiserWeight. Really great band by the way. Get their CD! What are you listening to now, these days? Seeing as that you’ve got pretty much all the time in the world in the car.

Ha, you know I’m still listening to the same stuff as ever. I’ve been on this big kick of listening to pop music from 1984 - 85. I love the fact that all the retro stations now are 80’s stations. Kinda’ makes you feel

[Mr. HairMetal says - “I’m Back! Listen to The Darkness, No.1 in th U.K.”]

old and young at the same time.

Do you ever pop in an Ann Beretta CD when you’re on the road? Do you think you can listen to yourselves the same way your fans do? Do you sing along?

It’s funny, I just listened to the new CD today. I hadn’t really heard it since we got out of the studio.

You know, I don’t know if it’s possible to listen to it the same way as the fans do. I mean, I’m really proud of it but I’ve heard them [the songs] so many times and I know I’ll be playing them constantly on tour.

I do enjoy them though - and of course I sing along, I’m in the car by myself all day!

By the time this prints - you guys will already be gone. Anything you want to say to the RVA kids before you leave?

Go out to all the shows, have fun and hang out with us when we get back!

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ONE MANS

TRASH

by Ryan Pollack I’m sure that what I’m about to say has been said many times before, in many different ways, and about many different scenes. But damn it all to hell, I’m going to take this dead horse out back and beat him at least one more time! *whap* *whap* There, I feel better.

Within electronic music, there are many different genres: house, trance, drum ‘n bass, breakbeat, techno, two step, etc. Within those genres are multitudes of sub genres. I have seen an increasing tendency among party kids to idolize their chosen genre and dismiss all others as unworthy. People tend to visualize their chosen style as the only one worth listening to and will, without fail or hesitation, come down negatively on another genre.

Door Beads • Tapestries • Posters Stickers • Incense • Body Oils T-Shirts • Women’s Apparel Sandals & More!

The problem, then, comes when these elitists compartmentalize themselves into little cliques that refuse to let any others inside. Like I said, I know that this happens all the time outside the electronic music scene, with other genres; but rarely in other scenes do people with such different musical tastes mix. The worst part is that these people claim to be “all about the music” when in reality they are just spreading their negativity around.

I’m not saying that people don’t have the right to their own opinion, nor am I calling for these people to force themselves to enjoy music they don’t truly love.

All that I ask is that people take the time to respect one another’s taste in music (cue choir of angels here).

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, as they say, and one man’s Tiesto might be another man’s DJ Dan. Think about how your favorite DJ makes you feel - if a DJ you don’t enjoy can bring about that feeling in someone else, who are you to judge?

Visit our two locations: Picasso Moon Imports • Richmond, VA 9734 Midlothian Trnpk & 930 West Grace St. 1-800-249-5556 www.picassomoon.com

Music

THE

FONTANAS

by John Yamashita Here they come...The Fontanas have arrived. Richmond’s new all access cover band is ready to rock ‘n roll you all night long. Four brothers from a different mother (Ding, Austin, Cheez and Allen Fontana) are 3 practices deep in creating a high energy “Frankenstein Style” cover band. Their current set list includes such classics as, Dream Weaver, The Gambler, Queen Of Hearts and the crowd favorite, Wanted Dead Or Alive, by Bon Jovi.

“The struggle is over rated”, says Cheeze Fontana. Making a living at playing music is hard enough…these boys want to eat and they’re hungry as hell! The Fontanas’ goal is to put the show back into the performance. With bad hair, blazers and piano ties, I think these guys are just the ones to do it. A sample of what they’re up to is on “Burn Saturday’s Alive” available soon.

Stay hungry my friends, and talk dirty to me, because I want a new drug, in case this sweet leaf brings me down.

Welcome to the jungle, it’s home sweet home, this six string on my back take me there. So don’t worry be happy and hit me with your best shot baby. Thank you good night.

[Ms. Correction says - “In Chew On This: Episode 5, page 47, we accidentally called the “Hells Satans” the “Devils Satans”. Igor took the pictue. igor@drivenbyboredom.com”]

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Music

illustration by Jim Callahan

DOWNLOADING MUSIC MP3s At What Cost?

by R. Anthony Harris

They have no monetary value, just like art doesn’t have any real value except to people those who enjoy it, drew it, or wrote it. If I draw a picture of my mother is it worth 5 dollars to you? How do you value something that I created? It has no real world value except for the materials I used to make it.

Somewhere in the last hundred years when you captured the soul of someone’s work on tape, CD, or a film, you owned it. That is how it started. You possess something that has no physical presence, but people want it for whatever reason.

A new system of making a living was invented with the earliest recording devices. A man captured a woman’s voice onto a plate then turned around and sold ten copies to his friends. Thus the middleman of music was born and a price was tagged onto a thought, a voice.

The more the no-talents, the opportunistists, the marketers, and the middlemen nudge their way into

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the pie, the higher the price goes. The artist does not see this monetary increase until he understands his/her power and eliminates these people. Most of the time the artist is the key to this equation and he receives the least amount of money.

The CEO, marketers, and opportunists have seen their smug grins from five years ago turn into nervous smiles. A whole house of cards built on the central idea that you can control something that should not be controlled, has shaken the industry to its foundation.

So continue to download your MP3s and do not feel bad for those people who are crying foul and suing little girls for their Britney downloads. The industry system is flawed and based on the assumption that the regular person could not get a hold of music without the middleman.

Pay your artists by supporting them when they come into town.

[Ms. Correction says - “In Chew On This: Episode 5, page 5, Opie Taylor took the all the pictues.”]

The Devils’s Advocate

by Ryan McKee

I am at a bit of a crossroads with the whole MP3 thing.

I would argue that music does have a tangible value.

Unless you are completely DIY and write, record, produce, mix, manufacture, distribute/sell your music on your own, there are other people on the way that will have to provide their time and services to assist you. While I do not agree that a producer or record executive should be paid millions of dollars, you could compare them to coaches and owners of NBA franchises. Isn’t basketball, in its purest form an art?

When the consumer buys in, it takes more peoples’ time and skills to produce enough of that product to satisfy the masses, thus pushing the price up.

Now, I could sneak into NBA games and buy a bootleg jersey to support my team. Although, if ten thousand people did that, the team may not be able to sign their key free agent next year. If ten thousand people download the new Clutch album, their record label may not see it fit to continue to pay for the production and distribution of their albums and terminate their contract forcing them back underground to DIY status. Clutch seems to be doing fine on their own, but there are a lot of other bands that give up because they can’t pay their bills.

Say you charge $200 for a print of your Bob Dylan piece. X dollars for your time and effort, X dollars to cover the cost of printing it up, X dollars for framing it, X dollars for promotion at art shows/on your web page. Now, when you post an image of it on your webpage, I could possibly copy that file, enlarge it and take it to a print shop and have them print it up for me. That takes the middleman (cost of promotion) and the ARTIST (your time and effort) out of it as well. All I have to pay for is the printing (i.e. blank CD when I download music). Would you, as an artist, object to that?

Yes, but I am supporting the artist as well. Should bands offer free downloads on their sites and on other sites? Of course! Should bands sell their mp3s on their sites and on other sites for .79-.99 cents?

Of course - that is truly taking out the middleman.

No cost of manufacturing CDs and packaging.

Should we support sites like Buymusic, Napster, and iTunes?

WHAT WERE YOU SAYING? a look into the lyrics of our heros...

Where did you come from lady And ooh won’t you take me there Right away won’t you baby Tenderoni you’ve got to be Spark my nature Sugar fly with me Don’t you know now Is the perfect time We can make it right Hit the city lights Then tonight ease the lovin’ pain Let me take you to the max I wanna love you (P.Y.T.) Pretty young thing You need some lovin’ (T.L.C.) And I’ll take you there I wanna love you (P.Y.T.) Pretty young thing You need some lovin’ (T.L.C.) Tender lovin’ care I’ll take you there Anywhere you wanna go Nothin’ can stop this burnin’ Desire to be with you Gotta get to you baby Won’t you come, it’s emergency Cool my fire yearnin’ Honey, come set me free Don’t you know now is the perfect time We can dim the lights Just to make it right In the night Hit the lovin’ spot I’ll give you all I’ve got I wanna love you (P.Y.T.) Pretty young thing You need some lovin’ (T.L.C.) Tender lovin’ care And I’ll take you there I wanna love you (P.Y.T.) Pretty young thing You need some lovin’ (T.L.C.) Tender lovin’ care I’ll take you there I wanna love you (P.Y.T.) Pretty young thing You need some lovin’ (T.L.C.) Tender lovin’ care I’ll take you there

Can you name the band?

And, what year did it come out?

Win free stuff...

If you know the answer email local@alocalmarket.com

Music

MEETING

GEORGE CLINTON “Free Your Mind and Your Ass Will Follow”

by Kevin Wheeler

Nodding my head confidently as though I had come to a long-pondered conclusion about where the evening would take me, I turned to my concert-going friend, Chuck and proclaimed, “I think I’ll smoke with George tonight.” He was feeling me. So he nodded back as though he understood, but I could sense that perhaps he just thought I had visited the beer truck one too many times.

A long time friend of mine has been working for an events staff business here in Richmond since it started up from scratch about six years ago. Working just about every concert and sporting event in town, he worked his way up from the bouncer you see between the audience and the stage, to a personal assistant for acts coming through Richmond. In other words, he is the guy to know to get into concerts free. We’ll call him Punchy, for the sake of him keeping this job. Punchy had no idea what he had hooked me up with when he put me and a friend on the guest list to get into the Brown’s Island show that night...

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[Ms. Correction says - “In Chew On This: Episode 5, page 23, Igor took the pictue of the Gaskets. igor@drivenbyboredom.com”]

Punchy then called telling me to come meet him beside the stage. I motioned for Chuck, he came running with a feeling that maybe I wasn’t full of shit after all. Punchy led us behind the outdoor stage setup to a vast area filled with like 30 to 40 tour buses and campers. Punchy was positioned next to the smallest, most rinky-dink little camper there. “He’s in this one?!” “Yeah. Now go in, say hello, and get the fuck out.”

The moment I stepped up into the trailer my peripheral vision becames absorbed with the rainbowlocked, lion-maned figure to my right. Keeping ice cool, though, I focused on the other three people in the trailer. I wasn’t sure who the younger guy was sitting at the tiny table with George, but Chuck and I introduced ourselves to the beautifully-voiced singer, Kim, and none other than Clinton’s granddaughter, Shonda (aka Sativa Diva). I told her that her style was dope. That evoked a “Well roll it up then!” from the guy at the table, who got up so I could sit down and commence directly across from George, who was more than a little preoccupied with the deli meat and cheese tray that lay in front of him. As I tried not to botch the roll up job (no pressure) my girlfriend calls my cell. I give the phone to George so I could concentrate on the task at hand. He chatted with her for a minute. When he gave the phone back to me I asked her if she liked that. Of course she did.

After passing the philly around the trailer a few times everyone seemed to disperse until the next thing I know, George and I are sitting in there alone. There I was, shooting the breeze with George Clinton, like we’d known each other for years. No autograph, no picture, no “I’m your biggest fan!”, none of that corny shit. We talked about Parliament, the show, his show in Richmond last year that featured D’angelo, and my previous night outing at The Doors concert in Portsmouth (about which he remarked on how Jim Morrison was “one crazy white dude”). Finally, someone from his entourage came in behind me to check on him. George replied, “It’s ok, he’s cool.”

Punchy checked in, too, half in disbelief and half jealous that it wasn’t him in there. We sat there bullshitting for another five, ten minutes until the tour had to move on to Philly. Three sheets into the wind at that point, I paid my respects and staggered home.

The next day in class a girl sitting beside me was talking to her friend about how cool the P-funk concert was last night. “Yeah, I was there,” I replied.

We were in Abnormal Psych class, mind you, so I kept the story to myself.

Megaplexes + the byrd Byrd Theatre

(804) 353-9911 > 2908 West Cary Street

Carmike 10

(804) 897-0888 > 1100 Alverser Drive

Commonwealth 20

(804) 744-2600 > 5001 Commonwealth

Crossings Cinema

(804) 458-0555 > 5246 Oaklawn Blvd.

Ethyl IMAX Dome & Planetarium (804) 864-1400 Science Museum of VA 2500 W. Broad Street

Regal Chester Cinemas

(804) 796-5911 > 13025 Jefferson Davis Highway

Regal Short Pump 14

(804) 360-0947 > 11650 West Broad Street

Regal Southpark Cinema 6

(804) 526-8100 > 374 Southpark Mall

Regal Virginia Center 20

(804) 261-5411 > 10091 Jeb Stuart Pkwy

Regal Westhampton Theatre

(804) 288-9007 > 5706 Grove Avenue

UA Chesterfield Town Center

(804) 379-7800 > 11500 Midlothian Turnpike

UA West Tower

(804) 270-7111 > 8998 West Broad Street

FOOD

RECIPIES + REVIEWS

THAT

PUNK CHEF The Punk’s idea for this Christmas is for you to change it up a little and enjoy your own cooking. Here are some dishes for your in-laws to be jealous of.

Dinner for One 1 Cornish Game Hen 2 carrots diced 2 celery sticks diced 1⁄2 stick of butter 1 oven roasting bag store bought stuffing mix pre-made Preheat oven at 350 degrees. Add the carrots and celery with the stuffing. Add salt & pepper. Rub all over the hen w/the stick of butter. Place the stuffing in the hen. Then place the hen in the roasting bag and into the oven for an hour and a half, plus some sides that might get you some play from your cutie cousin, whoa.

Cranberry Relish 1 bag whole cranberries 1⁄2 small onion 1 orange peel, grated 1⁄2 lemon peel, grated 1/4 cup sugar the juice of 1 lemon and orange 2 garlic cloves, crushed

[Ms. Correction says - “In Chew On This: Episode 5, page 19, we mis-quoted Daybyday.”]

Put everything in a food processor and mix for 45 seconds. This shit will turn heads at your family dinner.

Greens ‘N Shizzle 2 pieces bacon, diced 1⁄2 small onion, diced 1 green pepper, diced Drop in a heated pan and sautee in a buttered pan 2 cans of spinach or any other green you want 2 tablespoons of cider vinegar 1⁄2 teaspoon sugar 1/4 teaspoon pepper 1⁄2 teaspoon salt Add to the sauteing green peppers, onions, and bacon. Lower the heat and simmer for 10 minutes.

Eat ‘em up, Yum.

If you have actually tried one of these featured recipes send the left overs and a lil’ “feed-back” to local@alocalmarket.com

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LOCAL STUFF

THINGS AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD

The Rising Subculture of SCENESTARS

by Molly “80whore” Grace

More at home in places like Alley Katz, Nanci Raygun, The Village, Ipanema and Panda Garden, these creatures can be found almost everywhere in the city. New York City has rats, Richmond has scenestars. They are easily identified by their dye-black hair, thick rimmed glasses, men wearing women’s pants and makeup, totally breaking the mold of the ordinary metro sexual.

Band t-shirts are a must. They should either have the band name written across the chest or have some sort of imagery that is bloody and gory showing in some way that all hearts are meant to be broken. They can also be identified by their extremely odd haircuts. They range from Englebert Humperdink to David Bowie’s style in the “Labyrinth”. With tattoos, there is a standard.

These tattoos include the anchor, the koi, the sacred heart, the nautical star, and of course some sort of script that illustrates just how depressed and into your emotions you are. While piercings are fading fast from the scene, they can still be found on a few of the more out-going scenstars.

The ordinary mode of transportation for these fellows is the bike.

If you are a student you usually attach some sort of crate to the back to carry your books, but the true scenestar would never deface their baby in such a way. These bikes cost more than rent and cause many a student to drop out of school. God forbid they give up their addiction to PBR. The bikers are almost an entirely different religious sect. You can figure out who they are by the single rolled up pant leg. There are a few people who pretend to be bikers by rolling up the pant leg just to show off a sweet new tattoo.

While en route to a location the scenestar must not be seen alone.

These people travel in packs. It is important to be traveling in groups of two or more for popularity and safety reasons. Scenestars have to constantly watch their backs for the many misunderstandings the locals have had in the past about this sect. Another thing that no scenestar

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[Ms. Correction says - “In Chew On This: Episode 4, page 31, Jim Callahan did the illustration”]

would be without is the uber hot Asian scenestar. This chick is a staple in the social network of the scene. Without her the scene would have no class. My group has one, does yours?

Like any subculture of people, Scenestars have their own language. Emonics, a derivitive of Ebonics, is the combination of ebonics and surfer talk that enables any scenestar to fully relate all of his emotional baggage effectively. It includes words like: rad, rock, dude, bro-in-down, holla, and ‘hearting’ things instead of loving things. They also include sayings such as “ Dude I’m in a band”, “You wanna screw?”, “I wish I was in a band so I could get laid”, and “Have you heard my new band?”

If you want to find them at home in their natural habitat, I suggest dance night at Godfreys. This is the true nature of the scenestar to get drunk or at least show up at a bar drunk and dance with intentions of taking anyone home.

If one can’t find a partner, the scenestar will try to sleep with an ex. The fine line between friends and sex friends doesn’t exist in the scene because they all sleep with each other. For any scenestar, it is impossible to meet someone that three out of five of your friends have not already slept with.

For more information on scenesters, check out these resources: www.emogame.com www.xfightx.com/scenesucks.mov illustrations by Rob Dobi www.dobi.nu/emo robertdobi@hotmail.com

[Ms. Correction says - “In Chew On This: Episode 4, page 47, Oura did the illustrations.”]

chew on this

december two thousand and three

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Local Stuff

KNOW YOUR

LOCALS At the time of print, there were over 85 homicide victims in the city of Richmond. These are a few of them.

804-644-5044 2 1/2 N. 18th St. Shockoe Bottom kulture@aol.com

✁

THE PATRIOT ACT It’s ot just for terrorists anymore!

On October 26, 2001, just six weeks after the devastation on September 11, Congress passed the USA Patriot Act. Ashcroft and his cronies wasted no time in attempting to further their agenda at the expense of a traumatized nation.

The USA Patriot is an acronym for “Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism”, but all that elaborate language does not succeed in hiding the dangerous nature of the document.

So just what does the Patriot Act give the Bush administration the right to do?

Well, for starters, it allows the FBI to monitor everything from e-mail to medical records to library accounts, providing frightening access to once private information. They can now legally wiretap phones, break into homes and offices, and access financial records without probable cause.

The Patriot Act broadens terrorism to include “domestic terrorism” which could potentially be used to target activist groups within the country speaking out against Bush’s treacherous deeds.

The Patriot Act also disregards attorney-client privilege and authorizes government surveillance of previously confidential discussions.

Immigrants can be detained indefinitely based on suspicion alone, and the Patriot Act aids the excessive amounts of deportations that are taking place.

Calling this the Patriot Act is quite a dangerous action within itself, because the implication follows: if you speak against the Patriot Act, well, you sure aren’t being a good citizen in our country’s time of need. When Bush labels his actions as the model of patriotism, he then classifies all dissent as unAmerican. While this may be comforting to him, it is actually an insult to patriotism. Protecting the Constitution and the Bill of Rights demonstrates a great respect for the government of this country and the rights of its citizens, and that sounds downright patriotic.

But what can we do?

Demand that our City Council rescind the Patriot Act at a local level. So far 155 cities, town, and counties, along with three states, have passed amendments rejecting the government’s attack on American liberties. In the state of Virginia, Charlottesville and Alexandria have already passed resolutions and Virginia Beach, Harrisonburg, and Rockingham are working on a draft. The ACLU has provided a draft resolution that could be used for any city looking to protect its civil liberties. For a copy, visit www.aclu.org/safeandfree.

Please sign and send in this mailer to our City Council. ✎

See reverse side.

✁

an oversight system to monitor implementation of the Patriot Act and work to rescind or repeal laws that violate constitutional rights.

rights or single out people based on their country of origin for government scrutiny. ❏ I support telling law enforcement agencies not to detain people without charging them, and that the mayor should request a regular report on how agencies have implemented the Patriot Act. ❏ I support that residents should respect civil liberties, especially with regard to employment and cooperation with investigations. ❏ I support that schools should notify students when law enforcement officials obtain their records under the Patriot Act. ❏ I support public libraries to post a notice saying that library and internet records may be obtained by the federal government and the library is not allowed to tell users when that happens.

Mayor McCollum 900 E. Broad Street Richmond, Virginia 23219

X - Signature __________________________________________________

Chew on This Magazine. This resolution in its entirety has my full support.

❏ I have read the draft resolution proposed by the ACLU and

❏ I ask that the region’s congressional delegation set up

❏ I opposes federal measures that infringe on constitutional

PLACE STAMP HERE

SEX + THE SEXES

DATING

STYLE

ADVICE

PETER, THE FINAL CHAPTER

by Rebekah Trachtenburg The holidays. The glistening of burning wood as it gently silhouettes two naked bodies making love on the sofa. A couple sneaking a quickie in the mistletoe garnished kitchen, while the smell of gingerbread seeps out of the oven. Streets crowded with anxious shoppers seeking the perfect gift for that someone special, guaranteed bootie wrapped up tight in a box topped with a card and two-dollar bow. For me, haunted by the ghosts of Christmas lovers past.

It was the night before Christmas Eve. I had just returned home for the holiday. I hadn’t seen Peter since the very first time we had sex during the summer. As I climbed into his truck, I could feel his smile burn me numb. My heart was nervous as I reached over and gently placed my lips against his cheek. He didn’t tell me where we were going just that we would not be returning till the morning. The roads were narrow and strange to me, however I felt as though we had been down this road before. As we pulled up to house our eyes exchanged a mutual understanding that this would be unforgettable. The space inside was cold and empty, as any Connecticut summer home is in December. I sat patiently as Peter struck the first match. I longed to feel him inside me once again. He carefully wrapped me in a blanket and sat snug beside me. It was at that very moment that I fell hard for the brown-eyed Brazilian. He opened more than just my legs that night. He opened a window he had feared looking through for years, and introduced me to his own ghosts of Christmas past.

As the fire died down Peter took my hand, kissed the inside of my palm once and then my mouth in the same fashion. I ran my index finger against a vein in his left arm. As I watched his chest move back and forth, slowly and carefully I pulled out the one pin holding my hair in place and dropped it on the floor. Peter slid his

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[Ms. Information - “Virginia was admitted into statehood on July 25th, 1788.”]

hands underneath my ass, picked me up, and placed me forward on his lap. With one single motion he carried me to the bedroom. Although he and I have had our problems, that was one night when Peter entered me and did not release until I was ready for him. Our shadows against the wall arched as dragged my nails across his skin. It was the only night that I came, twice, and he didn’t care that he didn’t at all.

I went back to school a week later, while he remained 700 miles away. By the following Christmas I couldn’t wait anymore. I told him I would move back to be with him. He said no. We have now caught up to the five years of congical visits, forgetting condoms on the kitchen table, education on the benefits of oral sex. It’s funny how to me that one night outweighs all the other five years of bullshit.

My life is anything but perfect, a pine tree whose needles I am forever sweeping off the hardwood floor and whose branches seem to go in every direction. The men in my life are the ornaments safely tucked inside old gift boxes and stored away all year in the attic. Each ornament has its place on my tree. The more memorable the man, the higher a branch he will claim. When stepping and reflecting back on all those awkward and anticipated first kisses that you can feel straight down to your toes, nights of conversation bathed in nothing but a sheet and disrobed moonlight, cocktails and candles, passion so intense that it hurts to breath in, it is then that I am re-acquainted with those ghosts that I fear. For five years now, it has been the same tree topper.

I just can’t seem to replace Peter, even after all the ornaments that hang beneath him. Each year I hope to stumble right into a star or angel, one more valuable than he. Unfortunately, although many have come close, none have caught my eye and heart so greatly. As I look at my tree this year I wonder what would’ve happened if my ghost had said yes.

[Ms. Information - “Virginia’s area codes - 276, 434, 540, 571, 703, 757 and 804 .”]

chew on this

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Sex + The Sexes

ONE NIGHT STANDS

by Alison Miller, Owner of Taboo So your significant other broke up with you and you’re out for revenge. Or it’s been a while and you’re in dire need of sex. Or you really like sex but you really hate the opposite sex. It’s time for a one night stand.

Begin with location. Do not attempt to find a one-night-stand in your usual spot. You’re looking not only for a stranger, but for someone who will remain a stranger. You don’t want to run into them again and you don’t want them to know where to run into you. Choose somewhere you never go and don’t mind avoiding in the future.

The next step is appearance. Obviously you want to make yourself as attractive as possible. Just don’t overdo it. An overdose of a cologne screams player; a too-short skirt shouts slut. You also want to appear available. Go to the bar/club/anywhere-with-alcohol alone or with one or two friends of your own sex. If you’re in a large group you risk intimidating wouldbe approachers. A companion of the opposite sex could be your brother or your sister and you’d still have “taken” scrawled across your forehead.

It’s time to pick out your prey. Someone from out of town is best. If you find a visitor to our country you’ve hit the jackpot. You also need to look for clues about their personality (ie: clinginess) during your initial conversation. It’s never to late to call it off and start over and if they’re whining about how no one will ever love them or naming children it’s definitely time to move on.

How do you get their attention? Do you come up with a pick-up line? Get your friend to find out if she’s single? Make a mad dash towards her? No. No pick-up line is going to work even if you thought it up thirty seconds ago. Friends should only be involved in the pick up process if you’re twelve. People want

[Ms. Correction says - “In Chew On This: Episode 5, page 37, the Rebekah Trachtenburg picture was taken by John Calderon.”]

to be noticed and chosen. If you’re at their side a millisecond after you spot them they don’t get to see you spot them. For all they know, you turned around, bumped into them and thought you might as well make a comment.

What you need is eye contact: the most timeless tool of flirtation there is. Make eye contact. Now look away. Yes, now. For all they know you’ve been staring at them for minutes (and you probably have.)

There is a fine line between showing your interest and showing your stalker side. Now look back. And away.

And back and away. And when it’s obvious to the both of you that the looking could go somewhere, smile.

Now you’re ready for the approach. You should start with friendly conversation and flirtation but do not completely omit your intentions. When working on a girl, show genuine interest (as much as you have) in her life but do not attempt to mislead her in any way. We know what you want and the man who comes straight out and asks for it is more likely to get it than the one who undermines our skills of perception and starts promising love, picket fences, or even a phone call the next day. If you’re working on a guy, copy this method but don’t be afraid to shorten the “genuine interest” segment. Men need far less convincing than women do when approached for random sex.

Congratulations, you did it. What now? Whether or not to stay the night is totally up to you. Do what you feel like doing. Just make sure that if you stay you make a quick exit in the morning. You do not want coffee, you do not want a shower, you do not want more sex.

You want to thank them for the good time, and get out. Do not offer your number or accept theirs.

Taboo is located at 6021 W. Broad St. 804.440.8228

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Sex + The Sexes

Head-ING IN THE

RIGHT DIRECTION An Oral Report

by Claudio and Bubbles Bubbles, a lesbian.

The art of oral pleasure can be a tricky business, if done right it can take your girl to another place, if not you may find yourself sleeping in another place. The following is just a few helpful hints for rockin’ that box.

First and most important is the tongue action. Licking and flicking are all good things but only if the tongue is properly slobbed. Upon entry to the love slit you should make sure to properly coat your lips and tongue with saliva. Another helpful hint is to make sure you warm up the oven before you dive straight into the clit. Try licking around the inner lips and rubbing the area directly above the labia in a gentle circular motion. Be sure to ask if this is what the girl wants. If your lucky than your girl will tell you what she wants and be willing to help in the positions. Some girls are a little more reserved than others; in this case you may have to physically move their pelvis up so that you have maximum access to the honey pot.

Now that you have slobbed up the whole area and licked all areas in between it’s time to find our friend, the clit. The tip can range in size and is usually somewhere near where the lips spread into two at the top. The tip is more sensitive and easier to expose than the rest of the clit. Some women prefer you to lick it softly while others will like it with some power behind it. Again this is where your partner will hopefully chime in with a preference.

It also helps to spread the lips apart with your fingers so that your tongue has some area to work with.

The last thing I want to mention are a few points on cleanliness. Ladies in order to get the kind of head you want it obviously helps if you groom. Another thing is to be clean, by this I mean get the shit off the shelf! No one wants to see that!! I hope that some of this can be of use to all those looking forward to giving or getting head tonight.

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[Ms. Correction says - “In Chew On This: Episode 5, page 25, we mis-quoted Beau and Sarah ”]

Claudio, a gay man.

Blowjob. Head. Bobbin’ on the knob. Fellatio. Guys love it. Guys search for it. Guys crave it. Guys get it, but...is it good? Usually, no. Why? Giving good head takes some skills and some lessons from the , ahem, “head-ee.”

When it comes down to it (pun intended) a blowjob has nothing to do with the “blow” part. As we all know, it is a huge sucking thing. With some practice and some luck, the ends to our means come to fruition. Several factors come into play when giving head. “Is this a boyfriend?” “Is this a trick?” “Is this a dick I need to suck for a favor?” “Is this a dick I need to suck to get this guy away from me?” Sometimes the latter can prove to be a lifesaver.

So, “How do I give the best head?” The answers are varied, but here are some shortcuts. First of all, know your man’s penis. Study it, look it over, learn it. Once you know how his dick is shaped you will know what to do with it. If you are giving head try playing the game called “Remote Control.” When going down put your finger in his mouth, as he sucks, so should you. Mimic him. If he sucks hard, then you do, if he sucks soft, ease up. No matter what, do what he does. If you want to get the inside deal on what gets him off then ask him to masturbate in front of you. Kinky? No. From that you would know what to do, both orally and manually.

[Ms. Correction says - “In Chew On This: Episode 4, page 9, Alicia Hershaw and John Reinhold are accredited with the Yellowhouse article.”]

So, what to do...for a basic answer, grasp the bottom shaft of his penis, and work your hand in a twisting manner away from your mouth riding from the base of the penis to the top. Your hand should wrap in a fist around the head of his penis during the up and down motion. Your mouth should immediately come back down upon the head and work its way down the shaft.

Your hand will precede that motion and already be on the base of his penis. Do not forget his balls…lick ‘em, stroke ‘em, play with them, but not too roughly.

Continue above said motions, and if possible, put a hand on his lower stomach. Right before he cums it will tighten, and you will know that your work has been enjoyed, well, that among other signs.

Anyways and anyhow, good head is in the eye of the beholder, as it were. What about romance, some guys like it, but let’s face it, we prefer head. For the record, my man gives the best head. His technique gets me off within minutes! He and his skills, I will not share, however for more information send an email and I will be happy to forward the info. Until then, work it, stroke it, love it...that’s why it is there!

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1211 W. Main St. Richmond, VA 23220

New evening menu!

Open Mic Nite! Thurs. 8-11 M-TH: 7:30am to 7pm Fri: 7:30am to 3pm

804-355-BREW (2739)

THE HOLIDAYS

BAH HUMBUG!

CHRISTIANS ARE OKAY ON

CHRISTMAS

by Mike Conroy It’s no secret that many are threatened, confused, or just plain annoyed with Christianity. Who wouldn’t be with the Bible-thumping Baptists, the fundamentalists leaving us “behind,” the Mormons on their bicycles, and Jehovah’s Witnesses haunting our front porches? Don’t even get me started on the Catholic Church.

Can’t they understand that people don’t want morality forced on them? Wrought with anti-gay, antiabortion, anti-death penalty, pro-school prayer, and pro-marriage doctrines, it’s a wonder Christians aren’t still being fed to the lions.

Nevertheless, there is one day a year when almost everyone tolerates them. It’s the one day that it’s okay to be a Christian — Christmas. That’s right. This is the only time when the offended are actually scoffed at for saying so. “You’re just being a Scrooge,” some will say. Others will demand that you stop being a “Grinch.” But, hey, why not? What could it hurt to step aside and let them be what they are, so long as they don’t put up any nativity scenes where I can see them, and they stick to Christmas carols such as “White Christmas” and “Jingle Bell Rock?” Just make sure the trees go up after Thanksgiving, the stores open early and close late on Sunday, and there are enough Santas that I don’t have to spend Christmas Eve in the queue line at the local mall with a bunch of screaming kids. I’ve got shopping lists to fill. While we’re at it, they should keep their “Merry Christmases” to a minimum, too. “Happy Holidays” will be just fine. Lastly, Jesus is just too controversial for the television. Christmas specials should only include Santa, Rudolph, and the little bald kid with the Beagle that flies around on his doghouse. I love that one.

The more I think about it the more convinced I am. Christians should be able to express themselves during the Holiday Season. It’s still a free country, right? Hey, if they stick to that crazy bunny with his basket full of eggs, we could even allow them a day on Easter—but not the Catholics. That forty days of Lent thing is way too oppressive.

[Mr. Perry says - “I’m forever yours...faithfully”]

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The Holidays

Ode To joy Low expectations are important this time of year.

Marie Potoczny

ODE TO JOY Low Expectations Are Important This Time of Year

by Marie Potoczny I’ve been called a Christmas cynic, but the numbers don’t lie, the suicide rate does increase during the holidays. Even if you are far from hanging yourself with a string of tree lights or slitting your wrists with the jagged edge of an ornament laced with tetanus, Christmas is an ugly day riddled with expectations not even the sweet baby Jesus himself could meet, let alone a mere mortal armed with a fruit cake and a few gifts from Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

We all know Christmas is supposed to be a red and green orgasm of family delight under the spell of a magical pine tree. Has this level of bliss ever been attained outside of the actual day Mary gave birth to Jesus? And even then, Joseph probably got in trouble for smoking inside the stable and Mary thought the three wise men a little cheap with the Myrrh.

It’s time to face facts. On Christmas the turkey will be dry and you’ll never be able to eat enough to convince the cook otherwise who will then run from the table and cry on the toilet.

You’ll never be able to extol loudly enough over the “days of the week” underwear from your sweet Aunt Sally. Somebody will take a good, long look at you and say you’ve gained weight while force-feeding you vodka-laced eggnog. Someone will ask if you’re still dating or married to that nincompoop and try to set you up with the granddaughter of a friend at the VA’s office. You won’t get what you wanted for Christmas. You won’t get the right reaction when people open your gifts. You will have spent so much money that an undercurrent of pecuniary nausea forces you to ask for a receipt on an embroidered sweater that mercifully doesn’t fit, causing a flurry of hurt feelings from the thin-skinned, kitten-loving person that picked it out for you. At the very best you will have a completely boring day, one of the twelve you get off from work.

So stop kidding yourself. Christmas isn’t fun. The house always wins. Cash in your chips and skip town.

Check into the Bette Ford. Lie. Send gifts (with receipts). But lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Because that’s all Christmas is, a big, fat, candy-cane-coated lie of misery topped with meringue and served next to a Virginia Baked Ham.

illustrations by Oura

TECH + THIEVERY

REVIEWS + PICKING POCKETS

THE PASSION OF

PIRATE PICK-POCKETING

by The Filthy Ape’s Emporium of Fun Well here comes that joke of a “holiday” that some silly religion decided to force upon us. Of course that entails meaningless spending of your slave tickets.

Even good friends of the Filthy Monkey seem to be pulling more wads of cash out of their pockets than normal, what the fuck? So why not sample a little of that flashing green, the royal parchment so to speak?

Well, they are friends, and if your conscience gets on you, then just prey on some innocent larks whom happen into your midst. Either way profit is yours, order another round.

In the beginning…

There was much thievery and god smote them. So the thieves being very theivingly cleaver decided to band together and form the grandest thief invention PICK POCKETING, and the rules where set as thus!

I. II.

Thou shalt scout a location!

Thou shalt identify a target (preferably small children, geriatric seniors and fat people) III. Thou shalt distract thy victim with much hand movement and touching!

IV. Thou shalt move with small, dexterous hand motions to retrieve thy booty!

V. Thou shalt Watch “Pirates of the Caribbean”!

VI. Thou shalt disengage from victim and make haste toward thy booty cavern AKA your house VII. Thou shalt avoid officers of the law!

VIII. Thou shalt, upon detainment, insert contents of booty in thy booty!

IX. Thou shalt send 10% donations to The Filthy Apes Emporium of Fun! X. Thou shalt recite the phrase “Take what you want, And give nuthin’ back ARRRRGGG”!!

With all of that in mind the Filthy Apes would like to present to you a scheme of sorts prepared in the back of our dirty minds. Although, never actually practiced (disclaimer). Scenarios placed in order of difficulty, easiest to hardest.

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[Ms. Information - “Virginia was named for England’s “Virgin Queen,” Elizabeth I.”]

Scenario 1 You are standing around with your compatriots talking aimlessly over a nice tall flagon of rum, that’s right rum, the drink of all true pirates. Suddenly you notice that your foolish friend has decided to place his loose cash and or tip on the bar/table in front of you. Now if this compatriot is one who should die, then just put your hand in a threatening but obvious fist and tell him to go to Davie Jones locker whilst taking his money as obvious as you please. However if he/she is one that should live, then slowly ask what size those girls tits are behind him/her and slip that good old booty into your dirty little pocket.

Scenario 2 Staged within a very tight public place, i.e. a subway or an elevator. Using a good method of distraction like being engrossed in a paper or really listening to that new Michael Bolton album you bought, slide next to a person with a backpack, purse or obvious wallet sticking out. When the train or elevator begins to move or comes to a halt bump into the person and make a grab for it (practice makes perfect), if the affected party happens to notice, grab their ass so they slap or punch you instead of prosecuting you.

Scenario 3 You are standing around with your compatriots talking aimlessly over a nice flagon of rum (again).

You obviously place some loose cash on the bar/table in front of you to fool that asshole of a friend who keeps stealing your shit. When he makes a gesture and points at some tits look stupidly at them while doing one of two things. Punch them in the gut and take their wallet/purse or slickly (are you slick) take their wallet while they think they have taken you for a ride .

Laugh to yourself that the dumbass traded a couple of bucks for their entire billfold collection.

So have fun with it, if you get caught with cash up your ass don’t blame it on us, you’re the dumbass for trying it.

[Ms. Information - “Virginia has been dubbed the “Internet Capital of the World”.”]

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FUN STUFF

HOROSCOPES + ACTIVITIES

THE ABSOLUTELY

TRUE HOROSCOPES Aries Legal matters will present themselves, remember ignorance is your best defense.

For example: “ Honest, officer, I didn’t know she was 16.”

Libra People will want to test your love, however the kid is not yours.

Taurus Suspicions are aroused concerning love interests. The authorities have been notified.

Scorpio The magic eight ball has been consulted and it is very likely that something is going to happen soon, but it inconclusive as to what.

Gemini The planets are aligned in your favor, and that rash can be cleared up with a topical cream.

Sagittarius Your future is like a limp penis, hard to beat.

Cancer People will see your inner beauty shine through, but they will still think that you’re ugly.

Capricorn Basically you’re fucked.

Leo It’s time to break out the lotion, for you are about to enter into another dry spell.

Aquarius Remember the fastest way to a person’s heart is kindness. However the fastest way to their bed is Jagermeister.

Virgo Beware of middle age men in shorty shorts. They have ulterior motives.

Pisces New job prospects are on the horizon. But if you take money for sex you can no longer donate blood.

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[Ms. Information - “The world’s only oyster museum is on Chincoteague Island.”]

CHEW ON THIS

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© The Sydney Morning Herald

ACROSS 1. Rastafarian hairstyle (10) 6. Vegetable also known as ladies fingers (4) 10. Clap (7) 11. Masquerade cloaks (7) 12. Music school (14) 14. Refined style (8) 15. Stop (6) 17. Cut in two (6) 19. Skin disease causing loss of pigmentation (8) 22. Point at the tip of South Africa (4,2,4,4) 24. Shakespeare’s play about the Moor of Venice (7) 25. Swaying, unsteady on one’s feet (7) 26. Foot covering (4) 27. Inflammation of the skin (10)

[Ms. Information - “The Pentagon has nearly 68,000 miles of internal telephone lines.”]

DOWN 1. College head (4) 2. Blow up (7) 3. Hebrew manuscripts discovered between 1947 and 1956 (4,3,7) 4. Stubbornness (8) 5. Abduct (6) 7. Thor Heyerdahl’s boat (3-4) 8. Presupposition (10) 9. Pauperisation; beggardom (14) 13. Green and leafy (10) 16. Metric unit of mass (8) 18. Lesbian (7) 20. Fix in the mind (7) 21. Disregard (6) 23. Ova (4)

chew on this

december two thousand and three

38

Fun Stuff

WEBSITE Of The Month

by Igor

WatchMeEatAHotdog.com This is one of the most hilariously extensive sites on something as absolutly pointless as the hot dog. The site features a constantly updated blog with up to date hot dog news, pictures and information. It also features a members section for people willing to pay $10 a year for pictures and videos of people eating hot dogs. It’s porn for fat people, and these dogs are some of the sexiest on the internet.

39

chew on this

december two thousand and three

[Ms. Information - “Virginia’s motto is “Sic Semper Tyrannis”,‘Thus always to tyrants’. ”]

From the makers of a “Stylin’ Zine” raise the roof. With the down low tip of Richmond’s newest old school hip hop rockin “gooder than your zine” zine comes…

BA++ERY

*

The only zine made in Norfolk that’s all about Richmond!

Available at all Ukrop locations. *not included

AlleyKatz 10 Walnut Alley • Richmond VA. 23233 804-643-2816

DECEMBER 1- NOSKILZ VIDEO LOUNGE: a progressive film screening 2- THE RAPTURE, EL GUAPO, CASIOTONE & THE PAINFULLY ALONE 3- THE GETAWAY, BENJY FERREE, MISHKA SHUBALY 4- FILM SCREENING: “Don’t Need You” a Riot Grrrl Documentary, emceed by Allison Wolfe of Bratmobile 5- THE GOONS, CITY OF CATERPILLAR, DAYCARE SWINDLERS 6- BANANA FISH ZERO, SPOTTISWOODE & HIS ENEMIES (cd release), THE GRANDSONS 7- ROCKET FROM THE TOMBS, THEE SNUFF PROJECT 10- FME (Ken Vandermark, Nate McBride, Paal Nilssen-Love) 11- FROM AUTUMN TO ASHES, AVENGED SEVENFOLD, DEARLY DEPARTED 12- DEAD MEADOW, CONSONANT (ex-Mission of Burma), FRENCH TOAST 13- TED LEO/THE PHARMACISTS, THE JOGGERS, THE DEEP SIX (DC Food Not Bombs Blanket Drive will be accepting donations of blankets, pillows, and toiletries) 14- ROCK-N-SHOP: a rock-n-roll garage sale w/ DJJD and Code Orange (email info@blackcatdc.com for a booth) 14- THE FIVE MASERATIS, CIRCLE GETS THE SQUARE (double cd release show) 15- AMERICAN ANALOG SET, THE ALBUM LEAF, 302 ACID 16- JUST A FIRE (ex-June of 44, Sweep the Leg Johnny), DEL CIELO 17- MOTHERTONGUE: women’s spoken word 18- FRENCH KICKS, ORANGES BAND, LA GUARDIA 21- JUNGLE JESSI, JEALOUS LOVER TARGETS 22- TWO IF BY SEA, THE FORMS 27- THE CARLSONICS 27- CONFUSION DANCE NIGHT 28- SPECTRE, PHOEBUS 29- PLINK, FLUME 30- ALCIAN BLUE (cd release), THE FLESH 31- BLACK CAT NEW YEARS EVE BALL featuring: PEACHES O’DELL & HER ORCHESTRA, DJ MARK ZIMIN on the backstage, guest appearances by: CIGARBOX PLANETARIUM, TONY ANTHONY & HIS MALVIVANTS

Dec. 1 MTV2 Headbanger’s Ball - Killswitch Engage, Shadows Fall, Lamb of God, God Forbid Dec. 2 Anti - Flag, Rise Against, Against me, None From Black Dec. 6 Delbert McClinton with a special guest Dec. 12 Dave Matthews Cover Band with a special guest Dec. 13 Very Larry Christmas Comedy Show - Larry The Cable Guy with a special guest Dec. 16 Mindless Self Indulgence, Tub Ring, Uncle Fucker Dec. 27 The Wailers with a special guest Dec. 31 New Year’s Concert - 2 Skinnee J’s with 2 special guests - 21 & up only !!! Tickets include party favors and a midnight toast. This will be 2 Skinnee J’s ONLY reunion show in the country.

Tickets on sale now at all Ticketmaster outlets and The Backstage Cafe.

DECEMBER 2- NVA LIVE 4- ANTIBALIS AFROBEAT ORCHESTRA W/ IS WHAT?, DJ WILLIAMS 6- MISS GAY RICHMOND 7- THE EARLY NOVEMBER W/ COUNT THE STARS, COPELAND, HIDDEN IN PLAIN VIEW 9- YELLOWCARD W/ MATCHBOOK ROMANCE, ACCEPTANCE, MAXINE 10- ADDISON GROOVE PROJECT W/ SPECIAL GUEST 12- MODERN GROOVE SYNDICATE W/ LANDSPHERE 26- DOUG CLARK’S HOT NUTS W/ SPECIAL GUEST 27- LAKE TROUT W/ SPECIAL GUEST

Bogart’s Back Room 203 North Lombardy St. Richmond, VA 23220 804-353-9280 Back Room doors open at 8:30pm Band Starts at 9pm

DECEMBER 4 - Stone’s Stew (jazz) 5 - John Winntet (jazz) 6 - Sambaiosis (Brazilian jazz) 8 - Devil’s Workshop Big Band 9 - Kelli Strawbridge (jazz) 10 - Pennyshaker (funk, rock) 11 - Joe Scott Band (jazz) 12 - Moossa (jazz, reggae, blues)

13 - Josh Walker Quartet (jazz) 14 - CLOSED 15 - Devil’s Workshop Big Band 16 - Darius Jones Trio (jazz) 17 - Daydream (bluegrass, jazz) 18 - Fat Four (jazz) 19 - Sambaiosis (Brazilizn jazz) 20 - Stone’s Stew (jazz)

SHOW VENUES Alley Katz 10 Walnut Alley • 643-2816 http://alleykatz99.tripod.com

Dec 02 - MTV2 Presents Headbanger’s Ball Tour featuring Shadows Fall, Lamb of God, Killswitch Engage w/ God Forbid Dec 04 - Melissa Ferrick w/ Anne Heaton Dec 05 - Zebrahead w/ Lucky Boys Confusion & Plain White T’s Dec 05 - Buzzcocks Dec 06 - Damien Rice Dec 07 - Ryan Adams w/ The Stills Dec 09 - Karl Denson’s Tiny Universe Dec 10 - Yellowcard w/ Acceptance, Maxeen, Reeve Oliver Dec 11 - Dimmu Borgir w/ Nevermore, Children of Bodom, Hypocrisy Dec 12 - Placebo w/ Stellastarr Dec 13 - Seal w/ Wilshire Dec 15 - Cradle of Filth & Type O Negative w/ Moonspell Dec 17 - Mindless Self Indulgence w/ Tub Ring & Uncle Fucker Dec 19 - Cyndi Lauper Dec 20 - Virginia Coalition Dec 22 - KRS-One Dec 26 - Gov’t Mule Dec 27 - Gov’t Mule Dec 28 - Rusted Root Dec 29 - Stillborn Fest featuring Hatebreed w/ Sick of it All, Chimaira , Agnostic Front , Madball, Stretch Arm Strong, Subzero, With Honor Dec 30 - They Might Be Giants w/ Peter Salett Dec 31 - Super Diamond Jan 01 - Okayplayer Winter Break Tour featuring THE ROOTS w/ Aesop Rock, Mr. Lif, Vast Aire, Pete Rock, CL Smooth, Skillz , Little Brother, J-Live, Jean Grae, Dice Raw

Nanci Raygun 929 W. Grace St. • 353.4263 www.nanciraygun.com McCormack’s Irish Pub 12 N. 18th Street • 648.1003 http://www.mccormacksirishpub.com Emilio’s Tapas Bar 1847 W. Broad St. • 359-1224 Boulevard Deli 5218 West Broad St. • 282-9333 The Canal Club 1545 E. Cary St. • 643-2582 http://www.thecanalclub.com OUT OF TOWN Black Cat 1811 14th St. NW DC • 202-667-7960 www.blackcatdc.com 9:30 Club 815 V St. NW DC • 202-3-930-930 www.930.com The Nation 1015 Half St. SE DC • 202-554-1500 www.primacycompanies.com/nation/ The Norva 317 Monticello Ave. • Norfolk, VA 757-627-4500 • www.thenorva.com The Boathouse 119 Park Ave. • Norfolk, VA 757-625-1445 • www.cellardoor.com/boat Hooplas 5760 N. Hampton Blvd. • VA Beach, VA 757-460-2100 • www.hooplas.com

929 W. Grace St. • 353-4263 www.nanciraygun.com 12/01 from ashes rise, kylesa - all ages, 7pm 12/02 umbilical cord necktie, the ultra dolphins, khate-18+, 10pm 12/03 naked aggression, swindle, are fucking serious, direct control - all ages, 7pm 12/04 richmatic - 18+, 10pm 12/05 the spunks, rockbot, tba - 18+, 9pm 12/06 RPG, the brought low (ny), tba - 18+, 10pm 12/11 tovero, jericho, boxing water - all ages, 5pm richmatic - 18+, 10pm 12/12 30 day warranty (cd release), patent pending, definitely a cannon, vindication - all ages, 5pm 12/13 happy scrappy hero pup, mix tapes for adrien, tba - 18+, 10pm 12/14 demon cry, hell borne, forest of impaled, body bag, dimentianon - all ages, 5pm 12/15 looking forward, through all time, 12 gauge valentine, skylines - all ages, 5pm 12/17 the goodwill, punchline, bayside, tba - all ages, 5pm 12/18 richmatic - 18+, 10pm 12/19 pyne, cut the architect’s hands, low fat (va beach) - 18+, 9pm 12/22 murphy’s kids, jack move, eastern standard time (dc) - all ages, 5pm 12/27 sex position, murder weapon, tba - all ages, 5pm

Peabodys 209 21th St. • VA Beach, VA 757-422-6212 www.peabodysvirginiabeach.com Tokyo Rose 2171 Ivy Rd • Charlottesville, VA 804-295-ROSE http://members.tripod.com/~sushirock/ Jaxx 6355 Rolling Rd. • West Springfield, VA 703-569-5940 • www.jaxxroxx.com The Ottobar 2549 N. Howard St. • Baltimore, MD 410-662-0069 • www.theottobar.com The Sidebar 218 E. Lexington St. • Baltimore, MD 410-659-4130 • www.sidebartavern.com

BRUNCH The Border Chophouse and Bar Cafe Diem

WEEKLY STUFF Mon

Devil’s Workshop - Bogart’s Information Technology - Chopstix Sushi Heaven - Sticky Rice Open-Mic Night - Cafe Diem

Tues

Bootscooter - Babes DJ Williams - Cafe Diem Modern Groove Syndicate - Cary St. Cafe Pat O’Brien - Easy Street Havana Sons - Emilio’s Terry Murphy Trio - Hard Shell

Wed

Special Ed & the Short Bus - Cary St. Cafe Hump Day - Corner Cafe 9:55 Club Comedy Show - Chugger’s Stars of the Millennium - Halo Princess Complex - Rare Olde Times

Thurs

Richmatic - Nanci Raygun MC Showcase - Chopstix Open Mic Night - Crossroads Deep House Music - Emilio’s Open Mic Night - Puddin’ Heads Hip Hop House Party - Richbrau Frequency Party - Sauce Steve Mabry - Taphouse

Fri

Mikemetic - Hardshell Cheers - Browns Island DJ Will and Kjell - Europa The Reflex - Godfrey’s [1st & 3rd Fri only] ComedySportz Improv - Comedy Alley Stand-up Comedians - Comedy Zone Friday Night House Music - Sauce

Sat

Mikemetic - Hardshell Martini Lounge - Thai Room DJ Rick Danger - Cosmpolitan DJ Will and Kjell - Europa Andy, Cindy and Thensome - Rare Olde Times Paul Walton & Tommy Clark - Taphouse

Sun

Dragshow - Babe’s [1st sunday only] Neighbor’s Appreciation - Corner Cafe S.I.N. Night - Richbrau Piedmont Souprize - Southern Culture

The Corner Cafe Easy Street Cafe The Hill Cafe Joe’s Inn Metro Grill Millie’s Sidewalk Cafe Southern Culture Strawberry Street Cafe

LATE NIGHT 3rd Street Diner 4th Street Cafe Bandito’s Capital Ale House Cafe Diem Easy Street Cafe Joe’s Inn Sidewalk Cafe Star-lite

KARAOKE! Mon - Emilio’s, Penny Lane, Potter’s Pub, Shenanigans Tues - Sticky Rice, Caddy’s Wed - Bandito’s, Babe’s, Bottom Line, Caddy’s, Shamrock Pub, Theresa’s Italian Villa Thurs - Chuggers, Bottoms Up, Brandermill Inn, Caddy’s, Sideline Cafe, Theresa’s Italian Villa, Visions Dance Club Fri - Daddio’s Grille, Shamrock Pub Sat - Break Time Sports Bar Sun - Break Time Sports Bar, Caddy’s

Listings

THE LIST. 3rd Street Diner 218 East Main Street • 788-4750

Comedy Club 109 S. 12th St. • 643-5653

Mulligan’s in the Fan 1323 W. Main St. • 353-8686

4th Street Cafe 9 North 4th Street • 648-2838

The Comedy Zone 6233 Staplesmill Rd. • 262-9652

McCormacks Irish Pub 12 N. 18th Street • 648-1003 http://www.mccormacksirishpub.com

After Six 1708 E. Main St. • 780-2344 Avalon 2619 W. Main St. • 353-9709 Babes 3166 W. Cary St. • 355-9330 Baja Bean Co. 1520 W. Main St. • 257-5445 Bandito’s 2905 Patterson Ave. • 354-9999 www.banditosburritolounge.com Barcode 6 E. Grace St. • 648-2040 Bogart’s Back Room 203 N. Lombardy St. • 353-9280 Bottom Line 1814 E. Main St. • 644-5944 Bottoms Up Pizza 1700 Dock St. • 644-4400 Breakers 9127 W. Broad St. • 270-1461 Brown’s Island S. 7th St. • 643.2826 The Border Chophouse and Bar 1501 W. Main St. • 355-2907 Buddy’s Place 325 N. Robinson St. • 355-3701 www.buddysplace.net Buffalo Wild Wings 7801 W. Broad St. • 672-8732 The Corner Cafe 800 N. Cleveland • 355-1954 Catch 22 1718 E. Main St. • 343-1560 Cafe Diem 600 N. Sheppard St. • 353-2500 The Canal Club 1545 E. Cary St. • 643-2582 Cary Street Cafe 2631 W. Cary St. • 353-7445 Chopstix 3129 W. Cary St. • 358-7027 Comedy Alley 7115 Staples Mill Rd. • 266-9377

Commercial Taphouse 111 N. Robinson St. • 359-6544 Crossroads 217 W. Cary St. • 643-2060 Curbside Cafe 2525 W. Hanover St. • 355-7008 Chuggers 900 W. Franklin St. • 353-8191 Cosmopolitan 3156 W. Cary St. • 355-5527 Capital Ale House 623 E. Main St. • 643-2537 The Doghouse 1719 E. Main St. • 644-3004 Easy Street Cafe 2401 W. Main St. • 355-1198 Europa 1409 E. Cary St. • 643-0911 www.europarichmond.com

Mamma ‘Zu 501 S. Pine St. • 788-4205 The Nanci Raygun 929 W. Grace St. • 353-4263 O’Briensteins 1548 E. Main St. • 648-6271 Out of Bounds 2701 W. Broad St. • 355-7390 Penny Lane Pub 207 N. 7th Street • 780-1682 Poe’s Pub 2706 E. Main St. • 500-7856 Rare Old Times 10602 Patterson Ave. • 750-1346 Richbrau Brewing Company 1214 E. Cary St. • 644-3018 Richie’s Pacific Grill 1847 W. Broad St. • 359-1224

Fieldens 2033 W. Broad • 359-1963

Sauce at the Pizza Place 1727 E. Main St. • 343-1300

Godfrey’s 308 E. Grace St. • 648-3957

Secrets in the City 2001 E. Franklin St. • 343-1617

Halo 119 N. 18th St. • 783-2608

Sidewalk 2101 W. Main St. • 358-0645

Have a Nice Day Cafe 11 S. 18th St. • 771-1700

Sine Irish Pub 1327 E. Cary St. • 649-7767

Hard Shell Cafe 1411 E. Cary St. • 643-2333

Southern Culture 2229 W. Main St. • 355-6939

Hill Cafe 2800 E. Broad St. • 648-0360 www.thehillcafe.com

Strawberry Street Cafe 421 N. Strawberry St. • 353-6860

Ipanema 917 W. Grace • 213-0170

Sticky Rice 2232 W. Main St. • 358.7870

Joe’s Inn 205 N. Shields Ave. • 355-2282

Star-Lite 2600 W. Main St. • 254-2667 www.starlitediningandlounge.com

Legend Brewery 321 W. Seventh St. • 232-8871 Main Street Beer Company 1911 W. Main St. • 358-9620 Metro Grill 301 N. Robinson St. • 353-4453 Millie’s 2603 E. Main St. • 643-5512 Mojo’s 733 Cary St. • 355-7372

Tiki Bob’s Cantina 110 N. 18th St. • 644-9091 The Tobacco Company 1201 E. Cary St. • 782-9555 Tonic 14 North 18th St. • 648-4300 Wildcats 9 North 17th Street

HOLIDAY GIFT IDEAS

Assorted Bags Crosses, skulls, and backpacks shaped like coffins.

Your friends could store all their schoolbooks and crystal meth in these ultra swank purses and packs.

Available at Exile on Grace Street $9 to $45

Big Dumb Fun Patrick Godfrey and Jesse Bausch, owners of ODDGOD PRESS, have been doing a great job of putting out professional publications and promoting the local talent. BIG, DUMB, FUN is their best effort so far. It’s a compilation of local Richmond artists and writers, mixed in with some national talent, then all poured into one oversized book.

Available at Velocity Comics on Grace Street $20

20” iMac What better way to say “I’m obsessed with you, that’s why I’m giving you a computer, so that you will never, ever leave me.” This machine is super fast with a sleek design. She comes with a 1.25 GHz processor and an enormous 20” LCD flat screen. Now available at Capitol Mac. $2,199

Sushi Nation Serve some saki, eat a few rolls, turn off your sushi lamp and lay down on your sushi pillow. Some great gifts to remind your asian friend of their heritage, or for that health nut who talks about sushi way too much.

Available at Urban Artifacts in Carytown $14 to $44

Camera People Need Apply. email jon@alocalmarket.com

M A I N

S T R E E T

804-358-8865

COMING IN JANUARY

Authorized Reseller

Introducing the Trade-Up program Call us for an estimate on your old mac.

Apple Loans Responses in as little as 30 sec.

Help Wanted Mac Tech needed

1307 W. Main Street

804.358.3100