Chew On This Magazine - September 2003

+ Features Art Music Film The Inquisitor Guide To Living Cheap Restaurant Sex + The Sexes

+ Listings Movies Restaurant Bar Scene Sunday Brunch Midnight Eats Museums & Galleries Music Venue Listings

from www.catbirdseat.org

At the next show you go to. When you get a bingo, scream “BINGO!” at the top of your lungs, then break a bunch of beer bottles on the floor and get thrown out.

CHEW ON THIS Series 1, Episode 3 September 2003 Design Stuart Dwiddle R. Anthony Harris Justin Vaughan

EDITORIAL Incoming VCU freshmen: Welcome to Dirty Rich. Like it or not, you are about to meet the people with whom you will be friends with for the rest of your lives.

You will meet them at Johnson Hall, Hibbs, 1208, The Village and Nanci Ray Gun and you will love every minute if it. These are the people who will be there when you get thrown in jail, when you’re throwing up that bottle of Jager, and especially when you’re trying to hook up with so and so on the fifth floor.

And looking through this issue of Chew, I realize that’s really what we’re all about, Friendship and Community. We do this magazine because we love our city and our locals, and the fact of the matter is, most of us met through VCU in one way or the other.

We want Richmond to grow, and our sincere hope is that some of the 3000+ freshmen will bring their minds and talents and do just that, make Richmond a better place than when they found it.

So we urge you, make the most of your time here, enjoy and respect our city, and by all means cherish the friendships you make here. These are the people who will be there when you need them most, and in all probability, the same people who will help you make a difference.

Writers Jon Martin Kirsten Lewis Lander Salzberg Kevin Gallagher R. Anthony Harris John Yamashita Liz Skrobiszewski Patrick Pfupajena Glen Ward Ivey Blunt Josh Darn Illustration Jim Callahan Marnie Wolfford Photography Kirsten Lewis Jon Martin Alan Hamill Ad Sales Lander Salzberg R. Anthony Harris Jon Martin Cover Design R. Anthony Harris

Please send all advertising inquiries to jon@alocalmarket.com Are you interested in contributing to Chew On This? We are currently looking for illustrators, designers, writers, photographers, and artists for our publication. E-mail: local @ alocalmarket.com for more info. e.griffin thanks for the spell checkin’.

B In

is h T On

s t n e t n Co Chew

ART Five Easy Questions 1 Tag and Die 2 Deconstructing Life 3 MUSIC The $300 show 5 What Were You Saying 6 Your Lovin’ Luggage 7

FILM The Final Final Destination 2 9 Black Films, White Money 10 DayByDay 11 Five Things... 12 THE INQUISITOR Time To Stand 13 Ukropia 15 I Own The Head of Ted Williams 16 Critical Massacre 17 THE GUIDE TO LIVING CHEAP Don’t Blow Your Wad 21 The Wealth of Debt Awaits You All 23 The New Story of PBR 25 Oh What A Night - The $20 Date 28 RESTAURANT Punk Chef 29 Waitress Woes 29 SEX + THE SEXES Vigel 31 World’s Worst Date 31 Pubic Lice 32 THE LOCALS 33

KNOW YOUR LOCALS 43 Be sure to check out Ms. Information at the bottom of most pages.

Informative and fun! Its Inform-u-tainment!! And..She’s single *wink*.

Jim Callahan

LISTINGS 37

illustration by

GUNS, CARS + TECH Shoot, Kill and Destroy 35 Darting Around 36

ART

COMMENTARY + OPINIONS

Five Easy Questions

by R. Anthony Harris

Rudger Clawson Abstract design stream-of-consciousness painting After years of doing T-shirt design for someone else, this 24 year old is stepping out into a world all his own. I had a chance to catch up with him at his recent opening th at the Nanci Raygun on August 14 , to ask him five easy questions.

Anthony: I will start with an easy one, why paint?

Rudger: (smiles) I wanted to get away from the business of making T-shirts. I have a lot of stuff floating around in my head that needed to get out.

Anthony: So you just needed more room for expression?

Rudger: Yeah that was part of it but I have been wanting to try painting for awhile and I guess I should start while I’m still young.

T

Anthony: What are you trying to say with your work? Or does it have to represent anything?

Rudger: My work is what it is. What does it say to you?

It is more of a thought thing. When people are looking at it they are thinking different things so it must mean different things.

Anthony: What kind of work bores you?

If stu to jai sh

Rudger: Hmmmm...bores me? Still life and when people want you to paint a subject done a certain way.

Th th

Anthony: Where is you work headed?

Rudger: Keeping it open but definitely headed towards the business side. I do something that people would want to hang up and look at over and over again.

Anthony: Thank you Rudger for taking the time and good luck.

Rudger Clawson’s work is hanging up in the Nanci Raygun until mid September.

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Chew On This [ September 2003

[Ms. Information - “The earth revolves around the sun at 67,000 miles per hour.”]

Tag and Die

by Jonathan Martin

If you are caught tagging in the city of Richmond, you will go to jail and could possibly get expelled if you are a VCU student. Richmond’s Assistant Commonwealth’s Attorney, Michelle Welch is hard at work to stiffen the laws at hand to try and deter students from tagging. She is proposing for VCU to expel students that commit this crime, to extend jail terms and suspended their drivers license. Everyone’s favorite lynch mob, the Fan District Association, routinely shows up at these court cases to urge the judge to give harsher sentences.

There are forces at work to ruin your life if you are caught. Does such a simple and non-violent act really deserve all this? Suspended from school, no driver’s license, and jail time. This sounds like a great way to create a criminal.

[Ms. Information - “The common toad swallows its own skin several times a year.”]

Chew On This [ September 2003 2

Art

Museums and Galleries

Deconstructing Life Excerpt from Teach Yourself Post modernism

by Glenn Ward

“You are casting your vote in a general election. Is your vote based on some real politics, or is it informed by the endless sound bites, PR exercises, photo calls, image contests and smug grins which make up the political arena? Can you think of politics in separation from the media? Is there any distinction to be made between real (deep) and unreal (shallow) politics? In this example, we could say that image and reality are totally intertwined: notions of true versus false hardly come into the equation.

When you go food shopping you choose between designer foods, health foods, exotic foods, slim-line foods, sinful foods, luxury foods, natural foods, traditional foods, homemade foods, and ‘TV dinners’. Some foods (especially desserts) are ‘as good as granny used to make’. Others (especially junk foods) are ‘chip shop style’ or ‘American style’. Is food now ever just food, or is it always attached to a style, a lifestyle, a body image or a social type? Perhaps you base your food buying decisions on the kind of person you see yourself as. But where did you get this image from? Can you separate it from the various identities you are sold daily in advertising, fashion, lifestyle, or interior-decoration magazines, sex techniques videos, shop window displays, fitness programs, or pop records? Do you have any reason to suppose that the kind of person you are, or could become, is not a fulfillment of a pre-existing model of thought and behavior? Are you really anything more than a type?”

3 Chew On This

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1708 Gallery 319 W. Broad St. 643.1708

Lora Robbins Gallery University of Richmond 289.8276

Agecroft Hall & Gardens 4305 Sulgrave Road.

353.4241

Main St Gallery 1537 W. Main St. 359.3499

Artemis Gallery 1601 W. Main St 353.2676

Marsh Art Gallery University of Richmond 289.8279

Artists Downtown Access 228 W.Broad 644.0100

Maymont 1700 Hampton St. 358.7166

Artspace 6 E. Broad St. 782.8672

Museum of the Confederacy 201 E. Clay St. 648.1861

Astra Gallery 3141 W. Cary St. 257.5467

Orange Door Gallery 12 W. Broad St. 648.7771

Black History Museum 00 Clay St. 780.9093

Richmond History Center 1015 E. Clay St. 649.0711

Brazier Gallery W. Cary St. 359.2787 Chasen Gallery 3554 W. Cary St. 204.1048 Children’s Museum of Richmond 2626 W. Broad St. 470.7010 Corporate and Museum Frame 301 W. Broad St. 643.6858 Cudahy’s Gallery 1314 E. Cary St. 782.1776 Dementi Studios 3851 Springfield Rd. 648.9003 For Art’s Sake Gallery 3451 W. Cary St. 353.8101

Richmond Public Library 101 E. Franklin St. 646.4740 Science Museum of Virginia 2500 W. Broad St. 864.1400 The University of Richmond Museum University of Richmond 289.8276 Upcast Gallery 221 Brook Rd. 225.7171 Uptown Gallery 1305 W. Main St. 353.8343 Virginia Aviation Museum International Airport 236.3622

Hand Workshop Art Center 1812 W. Man St. 353.094

Virginia Holocaust Museum 2000 E. Cary St. 257.5400 Virginia

the Ink Tattoo & Art 1825A W. Main St. 359.4755

Historical Society 428 N. Boulevard 358.4901

John Muir Gallery 6 N. Sixth St. Suite 102 594.0855

Virginia Museum 2800 Grove Ave 340.1400

Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens 1800 Lakeside Ave. 262.9887

Virginia Science Museum 2500 W. Broad St. 864.1400

Library of Virginia 800 E. Broad St. 692.3592

Visual Art Studio 208 W. Broad St. 644.1368 tony@alocalmarket.com

um

MUSIC

COMMENTARY

BANDS

+RESOURCE

W

The $300 Show...

A journey to D.C. and back again

by Ivey Blunt

tWhy does stuff always end up costing more that it is

supposed to? If you go grocery shopping you always end up buying more, if you go buy a CD you seem to always come home with an extra and if you go out of

a thing unless you were in a bus stop or a handicap zone.

I was in neither. The concert was still to come so I didn’t let it bother me too much. While at the concert I decided to buy a $35 Journey T-shirt, which

town you always end up with some extra expenses.

Does this ever happen to anyone else? It happened to

I didn’t really need, especially since the beer cost $6 a cup. Anyway I put these expenses into the “I brought

$50 ticket + $35 t-shirt + $100 parking ticket + $6 beer [6x] + $65 tow charge + $25 storage fee = $311.00 me just a couple of weeks ago when I took a one-night trip to DC to see a Journey, Reo Speedwagon, and Styx concert. The tickets cost $50, which was fine being that I love journey so much. Before leaving I took into consideration spending money for the concert, food, and cabs, but then of course I had those extra expenses that came up.

About two hours after I got there I got a $100 parking ticket in a zone that I was assured by my friend would only be a $10 ticket. I didn’t even know there was such

5 Chew On This

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money for” category. The icing on the cake was really the next morning when I awoke to the sound of a tow truck. And as you probably guessed, it was my car that was being towed. It cost me $65 to get my car back and get this, an extra $25 for some kind of storage fee. On top of that I got another ticket for expired tags (the new ones were in the glove compartment). Somehow I convinced myself that I would wake up in time to move the car and I told myself if I got pulled over I could just show the right tags. Well neither worked. In a nutshell I spent about $300 more than I had planned too. Thanks Journey.

[Ms. Information - “On an average day you swallow almost a quart of mucus!”]

What Were You Saying? a look into the lyrics of our heros...

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ly ow hat nd op es ed dI ht ut

Can you name the band?

And, what year did it come out?

Win free stuff... if you know the answer email local@alocalmarket.com

Music Door Beads • Tapestries • Posters Stickers • Incense • Body Oils T-Shirts • Women’s Apparel Sandals & More!

Visit our two locations: Picasso Moon Imports • Richmond, VA 9734 Midlothian Trnpk & 930 West Grace St. 1-800-249-5556 www.picassomoon.com

Your Lovin Luggage Speakeasy is here.

Three white rappers from the south. This underground hip hop trio from Richmond is taking off.

With a new sound and style in hip hop , these guys are being widely excepted and anticipated. Opening up hip hop festivals for the likes of Ravenous Monks to punk rock groups like Strike Anywhere. These southerners are making their own way. Their sound and style are hard to compare.

Maybe Del the Funky Homosapian meets Kool Keith, meets The Who. With a high energy stage performance, you feel as though your watching a rock band. These Gems from the south spit lyrics with sick tongues.

Backed by DJ Mesh ( Joe Davenport) the multi-talented musician who can play everything from the guitar to the didgery doo, he composes all the beats and is the backbone of the group. The two front men Oxen (Kevin Johnson) and Ben FM (Ben Bateman) are best of friends on and off stage. Oxens presence is bold and cocky, with lyrics to match. He brings a bit of witty humor to his rhymes.

Not to be underestimated though, these guys are all hard working. Ben on the other side is off the wall. On stage he is a performer. Changing outfits with songs and dancing around. Its hard to look away from this goofy, long haired rapper. His style is the most distinctive. It sounds as though he’s taunting you, almost singing as he twists in out of his metaphors. Ben FM has a retro feel to him, that could also be because his hair looks like it was grown in the 70’s.

Currently they are being shopped by record labels. With a video on DayByDay’s “Teenagers From Mars”, to pressing their own vinyl. Keep your eyes on these southerners, they may be the next big group to emerge from Richmond.

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M A I N

S T R E E T

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Stylists have the power to set their own prices. Come interview us: 804-358-8865 Images Main Street is proud to be a Framesi Elite Moda Capelli Salon.

FILM

OPINIONS

DISSECTIONS

+LOCAL TALENT

B

The Final Final

Destination 2

Final Destination 1/2

by Jack Kavorkian

In the teen horror genre these two films are definitely a breath of fresh air. Both stories begin with a violent premonition, and it’s this vision that saves the lives of those involved. Unfortunately, death has a different plan.

It seems we are free to live our lives, without any divine intervention, until Death decides our time is up. And to make matters worse, you cannot die until your time. Not by driving thru red lights, shooting yourself in the head, or even smoking those lung darts. His plan will be followed to the “T”. But, and here’s the catch, if you interrupt this design, Death must tie up those lose ends. And that’s where these films really take off, watching Death work his magik.

The scenarios created for each doomed soul are always a perfect combination of probability, and chance. Without spoiling too much, here’s one such example: A near head-on collision begins the chain of events. The accident leaves one man with a collapsed lung and another girl trapped in the drivers seat. 911 is dialed and the rescue teams arrive shortly.

While parking one of the trucks, a rock punctures the gas line sending a river of gasoline down thru the rocks and into a drainage pipe. Meanwhile, the Jaws of Life are sent in to remove the girl from the truck, and just as they are about to set her free, the airbag is deployed, forcing her head into a jagged pvc pipe. Her lit cigarette falls to the ground, a soft wind blows it into the gas filled pipe, this sends a line of fire back to the van creating an explosion with such force, that it sends a piece of barbed fencing flying thru the air directly into a bystander, slicing him in three.

It could happen to anyone, even you.

9 Chew On This

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[Ms. Information - “You have over 2 million sweat glands in your skin.”]

N H a p d b to a F to p o th to s s N h T

S s fo a p h a m g I

W u m p e c b a R a n A a a d th A

the

Black films, White money

by Kevin Gallagher

Neo Blaxploitation is upon us. Films like Bring Down the House, Pootie Tang, and Undercover Brother are once again teaching white America how wacky and fun black people can be. This bullshit won’t stand, but what can be done? The film business is notoriously under populated by black Americans. So, it has been difficult for them to gain the power to represent their race in films in an honest way. Universal still wants to hire Steppin Fetchit. The options for African-American filmmakers to become successful are limited, they can either self promote a la Oscar Micheaux and Robert Townsend or yield to Hollywood like John Singleton has. Well for the first option, many have taken this gamble only to fail to get noticed and as for the second route; Singleton started strong with Boyz N the Hood but the poor ticket sales on later films like Higher Learning drove him to the Neo Blaxploitation remake of Shaft and then of course he crapped out all his dignity with Too Fast Too Furious.

That is not an option.

So, then what are ethically responsible white filmmakers supposed to do? If a white producer sets up the funding for a black filmmaker to use a black cast and crew to make a film about their culture then it is condescending. It is patronizing because then it is not the black man elevating himself it is the white man allowing black people to gain appreciation. But, the film business will never become more equal if African-American filmmakers are not given opportunities to make their films and gain success.

It is a Catch 22 in spades.

What makes me hopeful is one of our area’s greatest untapped assets, New Millennium Studios. I hope the men and women of New Millennium can reach the point where they can make films honest to the black experience, made by black filmmakers who have total creative control. Now, I can’t say that the films they have been putting out lately are very inspiring but the people at New Millennium have been very supportive of Project Resolution, which is much appreciated. If they can reach a point where they can make films that reflect a fair non-exploitive representation of what it is to be a black American, then they might have a chance to become a real mile-marker in the history of black cinema, as apposed to a group of filmmakers who kowtowed to the demands of a white run Hollywood looking to cash in on the problems facing some of the black communities in America’s cities.

800 N. Cleveland St. 804.355.1954

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Carmike 10

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Commonwealth 20

(804) 744-2600 > 5001 Commonwealth

Crossings Cinema

(804) 458-0555 > 5246 Oaklawn Blvd.

Ethyl IMAX Dome & Planetarium (804) 864-1400 Science Museum of VA 2500 W. Broad Street

Regal Chester Cinemas

(804) 796-5911 > 13025 Jefferson Davis Highway

Regal Short Pump 14

(804) 360-0947 > 11650 West Broad Street

Regal Southpark Cinema 6

(804) 526-8100 > 374 Southpark Mall

Regal Virginia Center 20

(804) 261-5411 > 10091 Jeb Stuart Pkwy

Regal Westhampton Theatre

(804) 288-9007 > 5706 Grove Avenue

UA Chesterfield Town Center

(804) 379-7800 > 11500 Midlothian Turnpike

UA West Tower

(804) 270-7111 > 8998 West Broad Street

DayByDay

by Jonathan Martin You are not very Richmond if you don’t know these guys. Day by Day focuses on clothing, art shows, parties, and they are now about to release their feature film entitled “Teenagers from Mars”.

After a solid year of begging the guys to let me help shoot one of their skits, they called. As I walked up to the front door of the shoot location, I see men dressed like women, buckets of blood and urine scattered about, and the frightening silhouette of Oderus from Gwar.

men dressed like women, buckets of blood and urine scattered about...

Under the rubber, Dave Brockie played the role of the baby sitter from hell. Of course, the rest of the cast is made up of the Day by Day guys, who played the part of the raucous kids who were thrown around the room in a massive bloodbath. Blood soaked the walls and fake urine dripped from everyone as Oderus destroyed the place. All in the name of good video. It was an absolute pleasure to work with these guys minus the clothes I had to destroy after the shoot.

Check out their web site at livedaybyday.com to hear of upcoming events and the release date of the movie.

11 Chew On This

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[Ms. Information - “Koalas never drink water. They get fluids from the eucalyptus leaves they eat.”]

Film

Five Things...

...That Kill Independent, (whoops) I Mean Amateur Productions.

by Patrick Tendai Pfupajena 1. Working in isolation.

2. Casting and having your friends as crew.

3. Not taking the money you have access to.

4. Making work that only you and your friends care about (cuz they worked on it).

5. Not seeing the big picture.

We are a nation that likes to compete. I’m very competitive, but as independents, if we truly hope to realize our cinematic dreams, we must work together. It does no good to cast your girl/boyfriend in your movie because they’re available. Because quite frankly, what you end up with is a, “they were available” performance. The same goes for having your roommate as your sound person. You have to see the big picture.

The film industry is a multi-billion dollar per year industry. It’s function: produce commercially successful productions for theatrical, video, television, web, & airplane distribution. This is ok as far as I’m concerned, you now have a structure to work towards or against, all I’m saying is, it’s very helpful if you remove the lens cap before shooting.

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I’ve used girlfriends and friends in my work, but always because I was too inexperienced to realize the need for quality actors. If you have a great group of buds, their probably offering their time freely and with a smile-this is very cool, but possibly detrimental if they, god forbid, suck. I can’t sing, you won’t catch me giving a public performance; I know my limitations, just like you need to know your production. If you need a tall redhead, go get her, if you need an Asian man with a peg leg, go find him. But please don’t dress your Puerto Rican friend up as a Haitian immigrant, find real Haitians. Additionally, the bane of most independent productions is the lack of funds, but I say this, I see you guys on cell phones (I have one), instant messaging on laptop’s, buying CD’s and DVD’s weekly, eating out all over our awesome fan, that’s cool, but save that money baby!”

While your at it, call up ma and pa and the rest of your family and suck every dime (like the chrome off a trailer hitch) from them. DO NOT BE SHY ABOUT THIS! It is essential that you have money for your production. Why? Money begets money. If you can raise 5k for a film, and you effectively spends this money i.e. appropriate equipment rentals, quality costuming & makeup, people are going to notice the production value, and not just locally. You may even be able to find matching funds, this is how money attracts.

Be clear about what you want from your work. There’s the festival circuit, the web, your dusty shelf. Most independent filmmakers want to go to Hollywood, but they don’t want to be associated with commercial filmmaking. Get your head out of your ass. The goal is to show the industry and independent professionals (investors), that you’re serious and understand not only, how to make a movie but that film production, for distribution, is not just about making a movie. There’s thousands of people in basements all over our great country, ‘just making a movie’, do we need more, yes, in some cases, but often times an emphatic no!

Guys...we’re amateurs. Independents are people who make work outside the studio system, but have distribution. If you don’t have distribution you’re an amateur. Don’t worry about your filmmaking status though. Just make sure you have plenty of ego, move with precision, keep the cart behind the horse and whatever you want can happen. But it takes more than wanting, more than believing, either you have it or you don’t. Amateur cinema is alive and well, who’s ready to move on to the next level?

to of

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[Ms. Information - “Cockroaches were on the earth even before the dinosaurs.”]

Chew On This [ September 2003 12

THE INQUISITOR

FINDING OUT ABOUT Our Cities Politics

Time To Stand An open letter to the City of Richmond

We are artists, musicians, painters, sculptors, writers, dancers, poets, DJs, promoters, composers, dramatists, web designers and arts-related small business owners living and working in Richmond, Virginia.

In January, Dr. Richard Florida of Carnegie-Mellon University was invited to be the keynote speaker at the city’s Economic Conference. Dr. Florida, the author of “The Rise of the Creative Class,” presented to business leaders and city politicians a prescription for city revitalization that included the following: a) Respect for the city’s street-level arts and music scenes b) Less emphasis on costly and artificial downtown projects, more emphasis on historic preservation and organic culture c) An open environment of city government where new ideas and opportunities can “plug in” d) Tolerance toward gays and other alternative lifestyles.

In the wake of Dr. Florida’s appearance, town fathers and politicians publicly claimed that Richmond’s artists could help in the city’s rebirth. This was positive news. We were also encouraged by talk of how the talents of Richmond’s “creative class” (Florida’s term) would attract people who will revitalize downtown and all of Richmond.

But for every step forward in rhetoric, there have been several steps back in reality: • Politicians and town fathers made no effort to keep the artists from the Shockoe Bottom Arts Center from being evicted. Now dozens of expatriate Richmond artists will be helping Petersburg revitalize its downtown.

• New proposals to raise the city’s already-high meals and concert admission taxes will hurt restaurants and nightlife across the city.

• The increased meals and admissions taxes will fund a downtown arts center that has not been subjected to detailed analysis or even an independent feasibility study in its current form.

• Richmond City Council unanimously recently passed an ordinance mandating that nightclubs and galleries hire security guards for crowds over 100—one more financial burden that discourages live events.

Clearly, fundamental changes are in order.

DOWNTOWN PERFORMING ARTS COMPLEX If city and private business groups want to build a new downtown performing arts center, we sincerely wish them the best of luck.

By keeping Richmond’s historic theaters in the balance, they have crafted a plan that is worthy of serious attention. The sponsoring Virginia Performing Arts Foundation (VPAF) will find no shortage of noteworthy entertainment right here in their own backyard. We fundamentally oppose, however, the use of any public tax dollars to fund this proposed project until basic questions about community involvement are addressed.

The board of the VPAF has yet to release an independent, verifiable feasibility study or a business plan supporting the project in its current form. More important to area performers and potential

patrons, the VPAF has not supplied specific details of the types of entertainment the venues comprising the center will provide beyond the offerings from those arts groups who are affiliated with the project. Who will be in charge of programming the entertainment?

What is the criteria for community inclusion? What forms of entertainment will be allowed? These are not small details.

Richmond’s woeful track record in downtownrehabilitation projects does not encourage us. We remain unconvinced that an arts complex is the answer to downtown’s torpor. Dr. Florida spoke of setting priorities. “Arts complexes may provide some infrastructure, but they are far from the solution,” he said about Richmond’s plan. “Communities need street-level arts and music scenes and the energy they generate to be successful.”

MUSIC AND ENTERTAINMENT First Fridays brings people downtown. A Performing Arts Complex may well do the same thing, but we feel the greater challenge is keeping people downtown. To that end, we ask that the city encourage the opening of locally-owned bars, restaurants, and nightclubs in the blighted Broad and Grace Streets corridor. The city can start by eliminating or reducing the meals and admissions taxes and discarding laws mandating security guards for crowds over 100. Contrary to hype, unruly patrons and pyrotechnics aren’t the issues holding clubs back—high taxes, the overzealous Richmond chapter of the A.B.C. board, shortsighted council rulings and hostile neighborhood associations represent the four biggest threats to entertainment and nightlife in the city.

The raising of the meals tax would be a direct assault on the entertainment industry of Richmond. There are numerous studies that conclude that meals and restaurant taxes actually target local residents, not tourists. Since many in the arts and music communities work “day jobs” in the food and service industry, raising the city’s meals tax will hurt area artists, performers and musicians most of all.

While Richmond’s indigenous nightlife deal with increased taxes and regulations, the board of the VPAF also propose owning and operating a nightclub as part of the downtown arts center. While another music venue would indeed be welcome downtown, a subsidized nightclub shouldn’t be built and operated on the back of the city’s genuine, and competing, music scene and run by a public-private partnership.

ACCESS TO CITY PLANNING When Dr. Florida spoke in January about creating an environment in the city where new ideas can

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“plug in easily,” he wasn’t talking about a place that allowed public/private partnerships to largely determine public policy. We ask that the council institute some form of legislative accountability for past downtown failures before considering any other large taxpayer-funded public/private ventures such as a Downtown Performing Arts Complex.

The proliferation of unaccountable taxpayer-funded consortiums, such as Richmond Renaissance, the Broad Street Community Development Authority and (now) the Virginia Performing Arts Foundation, ensures that real city planning power in Richmond will continue to remain in the hands of an select few. Yes, Broad Street is a mess.

But how galling that the current vision of a future downtown consists of little more than parking garages and huge artificial projects, situated in limbo.

As we contemplate the demolition of 6th Street Marketplace, let’s remember that many of the same people who promoted that doomed project to great taxpayer expense are now promoting this new vision of downtown Richmond as a tourist destination and arts corridor.

WHAT WE WANT • We call on the city council to revoke or greatly reduce the city’s meals tax and the admissions tax...and not to raise them.

• We ask the council to hold off on any vote pertaining to the downtown performing arts center until basic questions about feasibility, programming, inclusion and alternate funding sources for its construction are addressed and discussed. A detailed independent study should be made available to the citizens of the city for review.

• We ask the council to revoke the recent ordinance which requires club owners, at their own expense, to hire an off-duty police officer for every 100 people at music and art events. This is a financial and regulatory drain on nightclub and restaurant owners.

• We ask for more public accountability of public/private partnerships such as Richmond Renaissance and the Broad Street CDA. We ask the city to begin to hold public/private partnerships accountable for the tax money they request from all Richmonders. If these consortiums consistently fail to live up to their own estimates for projected growth from large taxpayer-funded projects they spearhead, these entities should not continue to receive budgetary funds or de-facto governing power from the city of Richmond.

• Tolerance was a key plank in Florida’s celebrated speech in January. We call on the city manager to initiate a climate of tolerance by establishing an office to liaise between the gay community and city government. Further, we ask that the city instruct the police to not target gays or gay-owned businesses (and especially gay-owned nightclubs) for selective enforcement.

Richmond needs to do more than pay lip service to the arts.

It needs to do some soul-searching. Does the city truly value its most creative citizens or will its future represent closeddoor governance, Big Tobacco and the Civil War? Before you drive the rest of your artists and musicians—and all those in the “creative class”—away to neighboring communities, we ask you to begin giving everyone in this city a voice and a seat at the table.

The Inquisitor

Ukropia Richmond

To Build New York City Downtown*

* The views expressed in this article, are not necessarily the views of Chew On This Magazine or Local Market.

RICHMOND, AUGUST 15, 2003 The city of Richmond, Virginia, in conjunction with a consortium of private/ public partnerships, intends to rehabilitate its blighted downtown sector by removing all the buildings between Belvidere Street, 17th Street, I-95 and the James River and building Manhattan in their place, city officials announced today. Existing government and cultural institutions will similarly be razed; the new burg is expected to be named New Ukropia, in honor of the family that owns the pioneering Richmond grocery chain Ukrop’s.

“We can think of no greater way to honor the family that for so many years has stuffed our larders with tasty treats and reasonably priced local produce,” said Richmond Mayor Rudy McCollum, whose electoral district is roughly bounded by the parking lot of the Ukrop’s supermarket in Carytown. Added McCollum: “Kroger is bitches.”

Criticism of the plan, which was announced and agreed to in principle behind closed doors in a hastily scheduled emergency City Council meeting last night, has centered on its cost, which VCU political science professor Robert Holsworth notes, “is more money than there is in the world right now.” Brad Armstrong, the head of the New Year in Virginia foundation (NYVA), counters that argument by noting that the foundation has asked for, and expects City Council to approve, an intergalactic meals tax that would levy a 5% increase on all immediateconsumption food products consumed in this universe and any others we don’t know about yet. “The important thing to remember is that we’re going to be bringing people downtown for good,” Armstrong says. “We know this model works, because it works in New York City.”

While many aspects of the plan remain to be worked out, a general consensus has emerged that New Ukropia will not incorporate a subway, like New York’s venerable MTA. Instead, quaint horse-drawn trolley cars on rebuilt tracks will shuttle New Ukropians from place to place as they experience their new downtown. Further, current plans for a performing arts center in downtown Richmond are being incorporated in an ambitious plan to renovate Lincoln Center, which will now comprise Carnegie Hall, Madison Square Garden, the theater the Lion King is in, and legendary downtown club CBGB. Richmond Times Dispatch arts critic Clark Bustard says he’s disappointed that the plan doesn’t, as yet, call for the re-creation of Brooklyn on the city’s Southside, which he notes is similarly blighted. He plans a series of eloquent columns extolling Brooklyn’s cultural exports, from Walt Whitman to “Dem Bums” (the ’51 Brooklyn Dodgers) and the Beastie Boys, whom he’s pretty sure are some sort of “rapper crew.” Armstrong says NYVA is taking Bustard’s proposal seriously.

“If all goes according to plan,” he notes, “housing prices in the Broad Street corridor will quickly become prohibitively expensive, which will definitely necessitate a ‘bedroom borough’ nearby.” Indeed, one-bedroom apartments in New Ukropia’s planned Wachovia Presents the Upper West Side district are expected to command average rents of $4,500 to $6,000 a month. City officials have no plans for putting into place rent stabilization measures for the moment, though Vice Mayor Delores McQuinn, who voted for the New Ukropia plan while sleeping last night, doesn’t rule out further study of the matter. “When you’re talking about that much money, that’s much money,” she noted. “Really a lot of money.” Added Councilman Manoli Loupassi, whose district will border New Ukropia, “It worked when Atlanta built Charlotte downtown,” before enthusiastically casting the deciding vote in favor of the plan, which he heard about after the meeting.

McCollum is unfazed by the criticism. Referring to the fact that in the last two months one council person has been convicted of tax fraud, one has died and one has been arrested for allegedly taking bribes to influence her votes, said that something must be done now. “In 2007, Virginia will be 400 years old,” he said. “For at least three or four nights, some really important people will be in N.U. We need to put our best foot forward, cop some healthy New Ukropian attitude, and say, ‘We’re ready for prime time.’”

15 Chew On This

[ September 2003

[Ms. Information - “Baby rattlesnakes are born without rattles.”]

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KENNY LAY

POLITICS & NATIONAL NEWS

i own the head of Ted Williams

by R. Anthony Harris

John Henry Williams is this month’s buddy to Kenny Lay of Enron.

“Williams’ head separated from Body,” was the headline on Wednesday August 13th edition of the Times Dispatch.

What’s wrong with this country?

Mr. Ted Williams is without a head because the scientists at Alcor Life Extension Foundation have taken it off to shave it, drill it and accidently crack it open. They have taken 8 samples of DNA from him and MISPLACED them. How do you lose DNA samples? In a multi-million dollar facility with frozen dead people in tubes.

Scientist one: Oh I forgot...where did I put those samples??

Scientist two: What the DNA samples from the bloody open skull of Ted Williams??

Scientist one: Yeah those.

Scientist two: Who knows, I was wasted last night.

Yeah right. Something f***king stinks To millions this situation is disturbing but to people that saw him play and admired him, this must be agony.

A man who was looked upon as a true American is now in two separate containers filled with liquid nitrogen and looked upon as raw meat for whatever experiments the scientists want to do.

Imagine seeing Michael Jordan treated the same way.

A headless hero that scientists are endlessly probing to breakdown his DNA to see what makes him the man he is. There would be a riot ....at least a stabbing.

The smell of greed is wafting thru the air like the pungent smell of an unwashed ass and Teddy’s boy John Henry Williams is right in the middle of it. The man is a leech that has taken every opportunity to live off his father’s fame and has done the truly unholy by denying his dad’s final wish to be cremated and spread over the Florida Keys.

You may have bought yourself a few more years of comfort at the price of your father’s legacy but you also bought a place next to Kenny Lay as a true scumbag. illustration by Jim Callahan [Ms. Information - “For every human being on Earth, there are 200 million insects.”]

Chew On This [ September 2003 16

The Inquisitor

Critical Massacre

by Liz Skrobiszewski

“Mace stings like a motherfucker” Chris Humes said when reflecting on the events of the Critical Mass bike ride on June 27th.

It was supposed to be a peaceful demonstration. It happens once a month in over 200 cities around the world. Rarely in the 11 years since it’s inception has the monthly bike ride turned anything more than a lot of heads. But on June 27th the Richmond Critical mass ride abruptly ended when it’s riders were fired upon with mace and crashed coughing and gasping on the curbs of Carytown.

They were three dozen nondescript riders roughly 25-35 years old. They were riding a variety of bikes and mostly wearing the urban uniform of black pants and black T-shirt.

Some would call the group motley, others just regular. The two-wheel tempest of riders was an eddy compared to the hurricanes of Critical Massers in other cities. Their mood that day elated and ready to ride peacefully.

“We met in Monroe Park at about 4:30” said Chris Humes, 30 year old architect. “There was no direction and no destination. We were going to Carytown when the first incident happened.”

Spread out over two lanes traveling up Main at bike pedal speed, cars behind them were a rolling still. The group of bicycle traffic was laughing and talking and enjoying the warm day on the cities corridor. Police pulled up from the sidelines and ordered them to move to the right lane. They were in violation of code 46.2-905 (bikes need to keep to the right unless turning left).

“Nobody did it because it was non threatening,” Humes said.

“We weren’t threatening and neither were the cops.”

The riders pedaled down the road assuming the incident was over. They were crossing onto Ellwood when the same officers walked into the road. About midway through the

pack of bicycles the police fired tire high at the riders and clouded them with the spray.

“In my opinion that was acceptable” Humes said. It was a warning, intimidating without harming.

“But then a female at the end of the line lost control and crashed and everybody thought she had gotten sprayed.

Things became pretty disjointed.”

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The Critical Mass riders continued west up Ellwood.

They could see the police cruisers sitting a few blocks up the street. The group scattered to avoid confrontation and then met up again on a cross street, Dooley.

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Reassembled as a pack, the bikers turned onto the one-way streets of Carytown taking up both lanes.

They thought they were protected by the shops and the hundreds of innocent shoppers wandering in and out.

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The group continued for about two blocks when the same two officers ran from around the corner.

“It was an ambush. They had shit grins on their faces, cops, maniacs, spraying across the front of the line.”

The officers held the spray cans chest high aiming for the faces of the riders intending for them to coast through the cloud of poison.

“Most of the people in the front veered to the right and crashed into the curb coughing and gagging. They were coming at us full force,” Humes said. “When I rode through, a cop was running after the people that were down, spraying them again.”

Nobody ordered them to disperse. No “stop or I will shoot”. An older pedestrian shopper was hit with the spray as well as a shop keeper. “It was unprofessional and very sloppy. They came from out of nowhere and had no

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command with their weapons.” Humes said.

Some of the riders took to the alleys to avoid the spraying and were chased on their bikes by a police cruiser. Humes continued straight through the spray and went on to Boulevard and met up with about six other riders.

“I was sweating and my pores were open and the stuff was eating away at my flesh.”

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Jenn Drew, a 26 year old baker, was there that day.

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Jenn called Cheryl Tan of Channel Eight News to tell her the story. Cheryl called the police precinct and found out there was no police report filed on the event.

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“They were inches from my tire, in the alley, going full speed.” She said.

“The cops were on the sidewalks spraying people with mace and there is no record of it. There were other cops around watching that didn’t get involved. You’d think if you had two cops against 35 riders you’d call for back up.” Channel eight did not cover the episode either.

Critical Mass is normally a peaceful demonstration. It was loosely formed in San Francisco in 1992 and has taken place once a month in 200 cities around the world since then. Usually it is on the last Friday of every month. In Italy there are naked bike rides. Critical Mass in San Francisco is famous for its Halloween costumed rides. The San Francisco rides have had numbers over 10 thousand.

Critical Mass is nonpartisan and nonaffiliated. Each rider is on an independent journey owned and defined by their own ambitions. No one is in charge. It is creative and edgy and a celebration of the breaking of form in public space.

They loosely ride because it is their right to be on the streets, streets made for people and the access for commuters on

vehicles - not just cars. It was the police that day that determined that their motivation was about something confrontational. It was the police who turned the ride violent and threatening to the general public.

Although he denies sole credit Chris Carlsson was the guy at the San Francisco Bike Coalition to make a suggestion for a spontaneous, monthly gathering of bicyclists in 1992. He is a murky blend of George Carlin and Will Ferrell and was here in July to promote his book Critical Mass: Bicycling’s Defiant Celebration and the documentary about the movement. The 256-page book published by AK Press and edited by Carlsson is a very readable collection of short stories written by Critical Massers around the world. The excerpts come from Nepal, Milan and Sydney. They are hilarious and thought provoking about the power and freedom of riding in mass. Each contributor gives his or her recount of the importance of Critical Mass and what they gleam along the ride. None of the stories include macing.

Spraying the Richmonders with mace and chasing them down after they’ve dispersed with police cruisers cars is beyond excessive. Officers around the world normally aid the rides or merely look the other way. The narratives in the book say that there is less likely to have a police incident if there are over 100 riders.

Critical Mass is about expression and freedom. It’s not about disempowering the oil companies. It is not an anti-American movement. Most of the cars behind the riders that day and on the last Friday of every month creatively alter their route for a few blocks to let them pass. Life and Critical Mass is not always about staying within the lines. The two officers are the ones who took things way over it.

The Guide TO LIVING CHEAP

BECAUSE YOU ARE POOR AS DIRT

Dont Blow Your Wad A basic guide for frugality

by Josh Darn

Let’s face it, if your reading this magazine you probably don’t have a shilling to spare. That’s where I come in.

Never being anything but broke forces you to have your fun on a budget. You are not alone. Thousands of your peers live with the same symptoms of this financial disease. From experience I can say that even prominent respected writers can feel the pinch. However, it is not difficult to stretch a measly twenty dollars into a fulfilling day and night out and about in the city by the James.

11:07 - The day begins bright and early. To start it off correctly you’ll need proper bathing to erase the residue of the previous night’s festivities. This bathing can be as extravagant as the whole “Shit Shower and Shave.” Or it can be as simple as the Scottish shower (wash the face, scrub the chompers, rub on the Speed Stick). Next is the all-important nutrient supplement. For most coffee will suffice, but for you real gluttons throw in a bagel.

Shot of Cuban at Kuba Kuba - $0.50 Coffee and bagel at Puddinheads - $3.50

2:11pm - Now you’re off to a good start. Next wake up your friend with a car. You’ll need to get around, and the beautiful thing is that friends rarely ask for gas money except on extended road trips. To ensure uninterrupted travel slyly point out that the tank is almost empty. They’ll put in $5 worth and you’re on your way. Some new duds are in order. Fortunately Richmond has many low cost clothiers, two of the best resting right in the Fan. Stop off at Diversity thrift. Your shirt has a hole in it from when you dropped that smoke while drunkenly climbing over a fence.

New fly threads (AKA used shirt and pants)- $4.13 4:21pm - This is the time for your big meal of the day. You’ll be craving many things, but remember el economico. I suggest a nice relaxing spot like 4th Street Cafe. There you will find a burger and fries for $3 and pitchers of Bud for $6. Sit back and take a load off, fill your gut, and watch the Simpsons.

Food, beer, and tip- $8.00

21 Chew On This

[ September 2003

[Ms. Information - “Elephants eat up to 500 lbs of food a day.”]

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6:34pm - Perfect time to walk off that beef and brew, and since you’re close by, head to Belle Isle and ogle the hotties. By ogle I mean elbow your buddy and point, not hide in the underbrush and fiddle your faddle.

Exercise and fantasy fodder- $0.00 8:09pm - Ahh. Sundown. Now this is crunch time. You need to decide the rest of the night in the next hour or so. Get on the horn. Your remaining cash is chewing a hole in your new dungarees, and you need something to happen. Call the homies, gather the peeps. Because of your thrift you have the choice of getting some beverages and crashing a house or exploiting a local drink special.

It’s up to you. Your hard work has made off. The whole city is your scallop.

that the place is worth your time. It’s not. There are better places with smaller lines and friendlier folks. My favorite suggestion is to call a good friend and remind him of the party he told you he was going to have when he was drunk. If you tell him enough people are already on their way his exits are pretty much sealed. His escape hatch is welded shut. Keep a smile on your face; wrestle that friend you haven’t seen in a while. You deserve it.

When it comes time to leave find someone who needs a cab. Enthusiastically state “I’m in!” When they start to collect money go to the bathroom. Wander around until the taximan arrives, then act like you were there the entire time. Jump on in, relax, and make them drop you off first. No need sticking around for that pesky fare.

Well done! I wish I could tuck you in myself

Avoid places with cover charges! I cannot stress this enough. Sure it looks like that place is hot. Look it has a line! Believe me the fat guy at the door is being as slow as possible to create that line and in turn create the illusion

[Ms. Information - “The average person’s attention span is about 8 seconds.”]

Chew On This [ September 2003 22

Living Cheap

The Wealth of Debt Awaits You All

by Ivey Blunt

When you were little do you remember your parents telling you that money doesn’t grow on trees? Now a days , they grow on trees; little thin plastic ones.

It seems as though anyone can get a credit card and along with this anyone can build debt (they call it credit). Why is it so easy to spend money we don’t have? Let’s take a look at some examples. Let’s say one night you go to your favorite bar and you just don’t have quite enough cash to cover those last 2 beers you really want. What do you do? You pull out the old credit card and tell yourself that this $20 won’t really matter

On the average people take 3.25 yearts to pay off credit cards becuase you promise yourself that you will pay off whatever you spend later this month.

Now let’s pretend that you are at the mall and saw a shirt that you just couldn’t live without, so you buy it with credit because remember you’re good for the money and your going to pay it off at the end of the month. Next thing you know its gas, dinner, dog food etc, Now it’s up to $1000!!!

Let’s do the math. Say you have an 22% interest rate and the minimum payment on this balance is $25 a month. If you pay only the minimum it would take you 5 years and 4 months to pay this off and you would pay $601.82 in interest. Ask yourself if this is really worth it? Were those times that you used your credit card worth the 5 years and the extra $600 (plus late fees) that you will be paying? I say no because 6 years from now you probably won’t even remember that night, that shirt will probably be out of style and you’ll have 5 other credit cards just like the first one!!!

23 Chew On This

[ September 2003

[Ms. Information - “An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes.”]

Sarahs Smile

computer printer cd burner desk a.c. chair futon futon cover coffee table

$1999.99 $59.99 $199.99 $79.99 $175.00 $149.99 $199.99 $45.00 $yard sale

total interest everything 1 yr later

$2008.95 $441.86 $2450.81 $1100.00 approx.

Adeles Lounge

tv couch stand vcr mirror carpet coffee

$199.99 $800.00 $59.00 40.00 $85.00 $100.00 $75.00

total interest everything 1 yr later

$1358.99 $271.79 $1630.78 $550.00 approx.

Trudas Mojo computer 19 tv desk curtain bedcover

$150.00 (4th owner) $75.00 $25.00 twin sheet $19.99

total interest everything 1 yr later

$269.99 paid with cash $269.99 6 pack and pizza

Andys Coffin

27� tv vcr dvd player game coffee table ugly shelves remote armadillo

$199.00 $59.99 $79.99 $199.00 found in alley hand me downs $24.99 priceless

total interest everything 1 yr later

$562.97 $123.85 $686.82 $300.00 approx.

The New Story of PBR

the pbr story....

PABST, PBR, PEEBER, re-landed here in the late 90’s...Banditos (O.G. LOCATION) reintroduced it to hundreds of locals looking for something new and cheap. And new it came in a red, white and blue can. A great beer for the price. Over the next 6 years many restaurants have picked it up and sell thousands of cases a year. Richmond has one of the highest pbr sales in the country.

The popularity is due to it being a beer your father/grandfather use to drink and it’s cheap. And just because it fits into your budget, it doesn’t taste as bad as one might think. Now the popular theory is “You are very Richmond if can afford a BMW, but still drink PBR.” Since its comeback...pbr has moved from being a drink for hard-working punk-rockers at the local watering hole and has crossed over to all types...people who have holes in their face, guys who wear ties to work, and even women who wear dresses with no underwear...they all drink it.

There are also some other beers hopping to the forefront of affordable beverages. They are Tecate and Miller High Life. Both seem to do well in certain areas but none have that appeal like the old red, white and blue.

What started out as a drink for new bandits has turned into a Richmond tradition. Try one they’re grrrrreeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttt! *The price started out at around $1.50...and is up to about $2.00 True Story - from before we were born...

During World War II, Pabst Blue Ribbon beer cans were painted olive drab at the factory for military use. All of the canned beer was for the military. Pabst Blue Ribbon beer was not sold to civilians in cans during the war because of tin rationing.

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Oh, What a Night The $20 Date

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good girl is hard to find and one that likes the $20 gansta is even harder. In this day of “bling” it’s difficult to impress with $20 dollars. So accepting the challenge, I set out to see if it can be done.

It’s date time, I call “Elisa” and say, “Hey girl, I’m ready.”

She picks me up a couple minutes later. “So I thought I’d take you to this noodles house, it’s great.” We arrive at Pho 101 on Horsepen for spring rolls ($2.95), a #15 to share ($5.00 large), and a couple of waters. We’re done all for $11.00. Always tip. With the other couple dollars this wanna-be pharrell (neptunes rocks) gots a plan. I see a flower guy on the road, I look right at her, “Please stop.”

I jump out and pick a flower ($1.00), Our next stop is the Byrd theater for Bruce Almighty ($2.00 each), small popcorn w/butter ($3.00) and 2 smuggled Cokes. By this time things are going pretty awesome. All of our conversations have been lite and funny, and a couple of blushing moments about embarrassing topics were brushed over. All in all it looks like I can get a good-night kiss at least. She holds my hand while we watch the movie (while she checks my pockets for more money, just kidding). “Hey there’s Kellie.”

With the movie over and $1 left, we head back to the car.

I think about her. I didn’t tell her I could only spend $20. I really don’t have anymore, but if I did it would be Friendly’s late night, anything she wants...Instead I made a mix tape! (cd free from room mate). The first track goes something like this...

I’ve been really tryin’, baby Tryin’ to hold back these feelings for so long And if you feel, like I feel baby Come on, oh come on, Let’s get it on Lets get it on...

You know the rest.

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RESTAURANT

EVERYTHING FOOD

Waitress Woes Tips for the Customer from your Server

We do not cook your food, we only serve as a vehicle between you and the kitchen. If your food takes too long to get to the table or it is not to your liking don’t blame us, we probably wouldn’t eat it either.

Punk Chef Before you read this or any recipes you need to develop your pantry. The basics of what you need to experience spiced gourmet food is made with a combination of these supplies.

- garlic powder - creole or cajun seasoning - pasta of your choosing - dried oregano - dried basil

- dried thyme - your favorite hot sauce - butter or butta substitute - kosher salt - ground pepper

A Vegetarian Pasta Dinner for 2 1 box of penne pasta 1 small can of chopped mushrooms 1 clove of garlic - minced 1⁄2 of a medium sized yellow onion 1⁄2 teaspoon dried oregano 1⁄2 pint half & half cream 3 Tablespoons 1 teaspoon of butta cheese 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper or crushed pepper Cooking Instructions Preheat lg. sauté pan. Add butter & onions - cook for 2 minutes. Add garlic, mushrooms, oregano, cayenne and the half & half. Bring to boil. Toss the penne in and mix.

Bring it back to a boil. Add parmesan & mix thoroughly. *for an extra two dollars you can add a diced chicken breast Then kick back and enjoy some food you made yourself.

29 Chew On This

[ September 2003

A restaurant is not your local jungle gym with free child care. We are not paid $2.13 an hour to catch the small boy reenacting a scene from Superman hanging from the curtains, rescue the eight year old from overdosing on the caffeine as he uses the soda gun as a water fountain, or buy the table beside you a round of drinks because the little girl has stolen a filet off their table and is feeding it to the lobsters in our fish tank. Control your children, bring a short leash, or leave them at home to drive the baby sitter crazy.

The work we do is demanding requiring insane multitasking, from remembering 12 drink orders until a computer is free to send it to the bar, to carefully balancing 20 pounds of food on one tray that’s smaller than the plates themselves. We are not your household pet nor are we your personal secretary, the one you bang on Fridays in the office storage closet. Do not whistle, snap, or grab our ass at any time for any reason. The quickest way to get your food f***ed with in the kitchen is to degrade us in the dining room. Remember mom’s good ole’ advice, “Treat others the way you wish to be treated.”

Nine times out of ten, you are not the only customer in the building. DO NOT interrupt your server as they are taking an order at the next table, NEVER rush your server to the table and then decide to read the menu as they are waiting for you, and absolutely REFRAIN from asking for separate checks after the bill has already been dropped.

Oh yeah, and when the server comes to your table and asks if you need anything, this is not a invitation to see how many times your can run your server back and fourth from the kitchen to your table. It is not an individual event, but rather a group effort.

Tip your server, and if you are or plan to be a “regular” definitely tip them over the customary 15-20%. If you are remembered as being a great tipper, not only will you receive exceptional service, but if it’s busy you become priority and this could impress your friends. Isn’t that what it’s all about anyway.

[Ms. Information - “A cow spends an average of 18 hours per day chewing.”]

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ADVICE

Worlds Worst Dates “Keep Your Mouth Shut” I was really nervous to go out with this girl and I knew she was coming to pick me up in a couple of hours so I decided to have a few drinks before she got to my house. A few drinks turned into a whole lot of drinks. By the time the girl got to my door I was hammered. I got into the passenger seat and tried to act as normal as I possible. It didn’t take long before I knew I was going to get sick. She looked at me, I think I was green, and asked me if I was okay. I nodded yes, but I was definitely not okay. All of a sudden I threw up, but didn’t want her to know because I really liked this girl so I kept it in my mouth and then swallowed it back. I didn’t drink anymore that night, and she never found out, at least not that I know of.

-O’Brian, 30

Vigel

ATTENTION ALL LADIES! For those of you who have found a loss in sexual drive or interest, experiencing trouble reaching orgasm, or simply long to achieve multiple orgasms, Randy, owner of Triangle, Broadway, and Quality Books in Richmond, carries exactly what you need. It comes in a bottle smaller than a nip of vodka, costs less than 70 cents an orgasm, and contains lifechanging possibility both in and out of the bedroom.

VIGEL is a topical gel that increases feminine sexual excitement and pleasure. The little miracle contains Menthol and the amino acid L-Arginine about which studies suggest increase arousal by promoting clitoral sensitivity and circulation.

VIGEL is applied generously to the clitoral area including the tissue located directly underneath the clitoris before sexual intercourse or masturbation.

The product suggest that although most women feel the effects immediately, some may need up to three separate applications on three consecutive days to reach maximum results. This product is highly recommended for women of all ages. Nothing can be more frustrating for a couple than sexual inactivity or interest due to the lost orgasm. Finally there’s help and it’s worth every penny.

You can pick up a bottle for $19.99 and contains enough product for 30 applications. VIGEL is available at Quality Books in Carytown, Broadway Books on Midlothian Turnpike, and Triangle Books on Boulevard.

31 Chew On This

[ September 2003

“Could It Get Worse?”

My friends called me one night and asked me to meet them at the bar where they had already started taking shots. I decided to meet them for just a couple cocktails. By the end of the night we were partying like it was Mardi Gras.

I met this guy who was really cute, really funny, and really easy to talk to. He asked me if I wanted to come back to his house and hang out with his friends for a little bit. Once we got to his house, I realized just how drunk I was but still able to function. We smoked a bit and then I went outside to get some air. I tripped on the stair, fell flat on my face, and just lay there in the gravel driveway. The guy found me and said if I had to get sick that it was okay. I hadn’t even thought about getting sick until he mentioned it, but once he did I started violently throwing up everywhere. Not only was I throwing up, but I started farting at the same time. Not once, not twice, but three times. He carried me inside where I passed out on their couch. A couple of hours later I woke up and noticed that my shoes were off. I asked the guys if they had taken them off and they said yes. I explained to them that those were my work shoes and smelled REALLY BAD. They simply replied, “Yeah, we know.” I ran to the bathroom only to discover that my really short, red hair was just a crazy mess and my mascara had run all down my face from the vomit party earlier. I looked like a drugged-out Bozo the Clown. I grabbed my shoes, said goodbye to all the guys, and sprinted for my car. The one guy followed me out there and proceeded to ask for my number. I reluctantly gave it to him. He then tried to kiss me. I stopped him, pointed in his face and said, “Are you on crack?” I could not understand how this guy would be even remotely attracted to me at that moment after having the most embarrassing night ever. I didn’t think he would ever call me, but he did. The funny thing is, I hung out with him a couple times sober and he never called me again.

-Anonymous Please send your world’s worst stories on sex and dating to kirsten@alocalmarket.com [Ms. Information - “The average person will catch 140 colds in a lifetime.”]

P

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Advice from the World Cup Why is it I always doubt myself when something good happens to me?

w I A e e t e s a e n d

m I e . y s e l e , e n e t e d e e y s , y a I y y o n d s t t g r

o

Growing up in the repressed West End, I always found myself trying to please someone. First my parents, trying to get their attention by making silly paintings in pre-school so that they would put them on the fridge. Then straight into my school years constantly freaking out about making the grade and which girl I was dating.

From there I went into the working world thinking that if all the people around me were happy and I met my requirements then I was successful. It drove me nuts.

Pubic Lice An STD Report

The one person I forgot about was pleasing myself. It may sound selfish, but all the people that I was trying to please really did not think too much about my success because they are thinking of their failures.

by John Doe - PHD, OBX, LLC

In this months report on student health, we cover the semi-dangerous and potentially non-fatal epidemic of Pubic Lice, aka Crabs. This outrageous infection is almost always transmitted by skin-to-skin contact, although transmission from toilet seats is not uncommon. The symptoms, which include itching and reddening of the pubic area, usually don’t occur until one month after infestation, due to the incubation period needed for the parasite. The diagnosis for these crab-like creatures is purely visual, keep an eye out for lice and nits (the small whitish-gray eggs attached to the hair shaft). Treatment for the disease includes various lice medications, and washing your clothes and bed sheeting in extremely hot water. The long-term effects are minimal.

The major question is, what are you going to do to change this really unsuccessful habit?

Stop being your worst enemy. Start with little changes and confer with a life coach. If you feel better about yourself, you will feel great about all that you accomplish.

Got a problem and no one cares? Not true.

Let the patrons at World Cup Coffee House take care of you. Send your questions to local@alocalmarket.com.

If you think you have contracted pubic lice, immediately discuss it with your partner, grandparents, and congressman and begin treatment as soon as possible.

Join us for the October issue when we cover the evil Trichomonas, a disease that is non-symptomatic in more than 90% of the population!

World Cup

coffee, teas and light fare 209 N robinson st mon-thurs 7a.m. - 1a.m. fri 7a.m. - 1a.m. sat 8a.m.- 1a.m. sun 8a.m. - midnite Bring your laptop.

High speed wireless

THE LOCALS

PICS FROM AROUND RICHMOND

CARS, GUNS + TECH

REVIEWS + BUStin CAPS IN YO ASS

Shoot, Kill and Destroy Review: Uzi/Glock

by Lander Salzberg and Justin Vaughan

We here at Chew try to stay on the cutting edge of technology, to that end we decided to take our crack team of reviewers to the stateof-the-art facilities at Dominion Shooting Range. Having only a modest budget for rental, rounds, and safety equipment we knew our choice of weapons must be made wisely. A fully automatic UZI sub-machine gun, with noise suppressor and a Glock 19 would do just fine. Before firing the UZI, a quick overview was required…open action = ready to fire - 3 modes: single shot, fully automatic, and safety - don’t touch the suppressor - release the magazine with your left hand – pull the bolt back. Down into the range we went.

Time for the Glock.

Site the target, breathe easy, and squeeze the trigger. Not bad. Single shot mode was easily controllable, and the noise was at a minimum for 9mm rounds. The fully automatic setting was a different story, the rounds left the gun at a rate of 850 rpm, so the magazine was emptied instantly, and What A Rush! No kidding, we could’ve shot that thing all day. So, two targets, two magazines, and one UZI later, we were up to $32, not counting range fees.

Including range fees, ear and eye protection, targets, and rounds, we were up to $63…not bad for two hours of target practice. We’d like to thank the guys down at Dominion, they were very patient with our questions, and highly knowledgeable about all aspects of these weapons.

35 Chew On This

[ September 2003

Our rental model was a Glock 19 Compact 9mm. It’s a Striker-Fire, Single Action gun, meaning it’s cocked for the first shot before the trigger is pulled, and counts on the process of chambering a round to cock the gun between shots. In addition it’s very easy to use. Simply load the magazine, press the button on the left to release the slide, and you’re ready to fire. 50 rounds with this gun was a pleasure, the Glock 19 shot consistently and with little recoil. Once the magazine was emptied, the slide dropped back, and by pressing a button on the grip you could release the clip.

[Ms. Information - “Mercury is the only metal that is liquid at room temperature.”]

Darting Around A $500 Car Story

A two-part inspection to darting around. A car for dirt-cheap.

by John Yamashita and Lander Salzberg “Do you have a form of transportation?” This is a very important and common question when it comes to finding a job while you’re at college. So we searched and searched and found a great deal in a 1973 Dodge Dart. She was all white with green interior just like grandma’s, and best of all it was only $450!!!

Bottom line, the Dart drove and all the wheels were there (a very important part of our in-depth two-part inspection). The scariest thing about an old car like this is “Pumping the breaks”. It seems that old cars like these have a stopping problem, and if you don’t pump the break, it falls to the floor making stopping very hard, and crashing almost certain.

So keep your composure, good deals are out there. Tomorrow we drive an 86 Isuzu Trooper. The windows don’t roll down and the carpets all rotted from water damage.

You can always smell a good deal...snnnnnniiiiiiiiiiiiiffffffffff!

[Ms. Information - “There are no penguins at the North Pole.”]

Chew On This [ September 2003 36

AlleyKatz 10 WALNUT ALLEY RICHMOND VA. 23233 PHONE: 804-643-2816 SEPTEMBER 1- PAGODA, THE COLOR BARS 2- WOLF EYES, HAWNEY TROOF, EMIL BEAULIEAU 3- BROKEN HIPS 4- THE KILLS, WHIRLWIND HEAT, AQUARIUM 5- Q & NOT U, THE APES, ANTELOPE 6- THE RAVEONETTES, STELLASTARR*, KITTENS FOR CHRISTIAN 7- THE GENA ROWLANDS BAND, LOS HALOS 8- NAKATOMI PLAZA (ex-De La Hoya), MARATHON (ex-Standfast) 9- THREE SECOND KISS, TAKING PICTURES (ex-Hurl, Milemarker) 10-TED LEO (solo), REBECCA GATES (of the Spinanes) 11-THE RUDE STAIRCASE, KATHY CASHEL AND THE RARE ANIMAL ZOO 12-TURBONEGRO $15 mainstage 9:30 12-LOVE IN THE 90s - BENEFIT FOR MR. MAYHEM & FORCED DETOUR w/ DJ Will Eastman and DJ Sad & Lonely 13-THE EX, ERASE ERRATA, NUMBERS 14-GIST, SHODDY WORKMANSHIP 15-MEREDITH BRAGG, ANOUSHEH (ex-Estella’s Muse) 16-DRESSY BESSY 17-MOTHERTONGUE: women’s spoken word 18-CASS MCCOMBS 19-THE BELLRAYS, NEBULA, FLASH EXPRESS 19-CONFUSION: indie-pop dance night 20-MOUSETRAP: DC’s brit-pop dance night 21-APE HOUSE, AMVERTS 23-CURSIVE, BLOOD BROTHERS, EASTERN YOUTH, FORENSICS 24-FILM PROMOTION: “HUNTING WITH SIMON ASHLEY” w/ music by: THE CASSETTES, THE OTHERS, SAL VOLATILE 25-QUASI, HELLA 26-BLACK CAT 10TH ANNIVERSARY PARTY 26-BATTLE OF THE SEXS: FIRST LADIES DJ COLLECTIVE VERSUS THE CORRUPTION BOYS feat: ladyplastik, junebullet, simon, dj aaron hedges 27-THURSDAY 28-NADA SURF, THE TYDE

SEPTEMBER 4- THE LOWLIFE W/ CRUCIAL ELEMENTS 6- NEW DIMENSION BAND W/ SPECIAL GUESTS 7- SCARLET W/BURNT BY THE SUN, NORA, MURDER WEAPON 10-YO LA TENGO W/ THE AISLERS SET 11-THE ESCAPE ENGINE, OPENING DAY, UNSOUND, CONSHAFTER 12-RELEASE WITH DJ JEREME W/ SPECIAL GUESTS 13-DARK LITTLE ROOMS W/ BROKEN HIPS, THE FATALES 14-OPEN MIC NIGHT, DJ BATTLE 18-NINJA TUNE PRESENTS THE ART OF LISTENING TOUR: DJ VADIM feat Poetess YARAH BRAVO and WORLD ITF/DMC, MORCHEEBA, DJ FIRST RATE 19-EARLY SHOW 6-9PM WITH STRIKE ANYWHERE CD RELEASE WITH SPECIAL GUESTS LATE SHOW 10-2AM WITH UNKNOWN HINSON W/ SUPERSWANK (DC), SPECIAL GUESTS 20-LAKE TROUT W/ SPECIAL GUESTS, PHASER, VAL YUMM 22-COHEED & CAMBRIA W/ BOYS NIGHT OUT, THREE & SPECIAL GUEST 24-CURSIVE W/ BLOOD BROTHERS, EASTERN YOUTH, FINFANG FOOM 25-MARAT W/ THE TALK , DRAGSTRIP SYNDICATE 26-MODERN GROOVE SYNDICATE CD RELEASE !! W/ THE SWITCH, SPECIAL GUESTS 27-HOMETEAM PRESENTS: DECIPHER Hosted by ZULU 28-EARLY SHOW 6-10PM WITH THURSDAY, YEAR OF THE RABBIT, FAIRWEATHER LATE SHOW 11-2AM WITH AN EVENING WITH OTEIL BURBRIDGE & THE PEACEMAKERS 29-RUFIO W/MOTION CITY SOUNDTRACK, NORTHSTAR, OVER IT OCTOBER 3-ANN BERETTA CD RELEASE 9-GIVE UP THE GHOST 21-FROM AUTUMN TO ASHES W/ CAVE IN, EVERYTIME I DIE, PRIZE FIGHTER 22-DENALI

Bogart’s Back Room 203 North Lombardy St. Richmond, VA 23220 804-353-9280

OCTOBER 14-CALEXICO, THE FRAMES 15-PRETTY GIRLS MAKE GRAVES, COBRA HIGH, JR EWING 17-THE FIRE THEFT

THE NORVA ����������������������������� ��� ��������� ���� �������� �� ����������

Sep. 3Au Cake g. 1andAHackensaw PerfectBoys Circle Sep. 5 Trapt, Smile EmptyLove Soul Circus Pygmy Sep. 6 Luciano, Dean Fraser and Mikey General 2 DADA Sep. 7 Hoobastank, Die Trying and Letter Kills Some Odd Sense Sep. 9 Juliana Stars 6 Theory, CradlHopesfall, e of FiltCount h, KiThe llsw itchandECelebrity ngage Sep. 12 Buju Banton with a special guest Shadows Fall, Sworn Enemy Sep. 15 Billy Idol 13 LeeSRoth noop Dogg Sep. 19 David with a special guest Sep. 21 Five Iron Frenzy, Bleach and Holland 15 Nickel Creek Sep. 23 Drive Thru Records Tour: The Starting Line, 16 Twiztid, Society 1, Marz Home Grown, Allister, The Early November 17 Reggie and The Full Effect and Senses Fail Midtown, My Chemical Romance Sep. 24 Ill Nino, Spineshank, Scrape and 40 Below Summer

19

Senses Fail Blues Traveler Pete Francis of Dispatch

*** This show has been postponed

until the Fall - New date to be announced soon ***

Back Room doors open at 8:30pm Band Starts at 9pm

SEPTEMBER 9/1-Devil’s Workshop Big Band 9/2-Jason Gay OM Sounds (jazz & world) 9/3-Pennyshaker (funk, rock) 9/4-Pete Anderson Band (jazz & blues) 9/5-Stone’s Stew (jazz) 9/6-John D’earth, Dawn Thompson & Friends (jazz) 9/8-Devil’s Workshop Big Band 9/9-Scott Burton Quartet (jazz) 9/10-Darius Jones’ TRICK 9/11-Daydream (bluegrass, jazz, contemporary rock) 9/12-Joe Scott Trio (jazz) 9/13-Oregon Hill Funk All-Stars (funk, brass, & rhythm) 9/15-Devil’s Workshop Big Band

9/16-The Switch (jazz quartet) 9/17-Kelli Strawbridge Quartet (jazz) 9/18-Daydream (bluegrass, jazz, contemporary rock) 9/19-JAD Trio (jazz) 9/20-John Winntet (jazz) 9/22-Devil’s Workshop Big Band 9/23-Scott Burton Quartet (jazz) 9/24-Joshua Walker Quartet (jazz) 9/25-Stone’s Stew (jazz) 9/26-Moossa (jazz, reggae, blues) 9/27-Sambaiosis (Brazilian jazz) 9/29-Devil’s Workshop Big Band 9/30-Pennyshaker (funk, rock)

ER

IT

)

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Listings

���� ��������� ��� ����� � ����� 9/1 A Benefit for Fort Reno: Dismemberment ���� ����� ��� ����� ���� �� ���� Plan, Beauty Pill, The Aquarium ������ ���� ������ ���� 9/3 Sugar Ray, New Blood Revival ��� ����� ������ ��� 9/4 Cake & Cheap Trick-Unlimited Sunshine ������� �������� Tour: Charlie Louvin, The Detroit Cobras, ��� �� ������� ������ �� ����� The Hackensaw Boys ���� ������ 9/5 Fighting Gravity, Brown Couch, The Low ��� ����� �� �� ������ Life ��� ����� ������ �� ��� ����� 9/6 The Recipe, Soldiers of Jah Army ��� ������� ����� �� ����� ������ 9/8 The Juliana Theory, Hopesfall, Count The ��� ������ ����� Stars, Punchline ���� ������ ���� ���� 9/9 Mogwai, Part Chimp ���� ������ � �������� ���� 9/10 Andrew W.K., High on Fire, Vaux �� ���������� � ����������� 9/11 Kings of Leon, Jet, 22-20’s ���� ������ ��� ������ ����� ���� ���� 9/12 The Dandy Warhols �� ����� �� �� ��� ����� 9/13 Maceo Parker, Howard Fishman Quartet ���� ����� 9/14 Billy Idol � ��������� ���� � ������� 9/15 Type O Negative, Lacuna Coil, Dust to �� ����� �������� Dust ���� ����� ����� � ��� �������� 9/16 The Distillers �� ������ � ��������� 9/17 Goldfrapp ���� ���������� ����� 9/18 Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, The ���� ������� �������� ��������� Warlocks ���� ������ � 9/19 My Morning Jacket, Lake Trout ������ ������ � ����� ���� � 9/20 4th Annual Take Action Tour: Poison ��� ����� � ����� ��������� The Well, Dillinger Escape Plan, Further ���� ����� ���� � ��� ����� Seems Forever, Eighteen Visions, Avenged �� ������ ������ Sevenfold ���� ������ � ��� ���� ������ 9/21 A Mighty Wind - Live Performances �� ������� � by the orginial cast! �� �������� ������� � Feat. The Folksmen, Mitch & Mickey, The ������ ����� New Main Street Singers, And the rest! ���� ������ ������� � ��� ������ 9/22 Jewel ������� 9/23 Michael Buble ���� ��� ������� � ��� ���� 9/24 Delerium, Conjure One �� ������� �� ������� 9/25 Drive-Thru Records Presents: The Starting ���� ��� ��� ������� Line, Home Grown, Senses Fail, The Early � November, Allister 9/26 The Pietasters, Lost City Angels, River City Rebels 9/27 The Reverend Horton Heat, Southern Culture on the Skids, Throw Rag 9/29 Lucinda Williams, The Jayhawks 9/30 Jonny Lang

9/1 9/2

The Spunks Fallout Boy, Spitalfield w/Acceptance Trouble Is and Race the Sun 9/3 The Love Makers 9/5 Twisted Tower Dire 9/6 Songs w/ Ohia 9/7 We Are Childhood Equals, Victim of Modern Age, Avec, Brand New and Remedy Session 9/8 Phoenix Thorn w/ Construct 9/9 All or Nothing 9/10 Nakatomi Plaza w/ Marathon, We Are Childhood Equals, Operation Hamlet 9/12 Sal Volatile w/ Temporary Basement 9/13 Vegan Action Benefit Show: Operation Hamlet Late Show Aphasia, Light the Fuse and Run, My War, Operation Latte Thunder, Lycosa and The Scarlet Letters 9/14 Alexis On Fire w/Taken, Amanda Rogers 9/15 Pyne w/ From Adam to Eve 9/16 Plain White T’s w/ Tokyo Rose, Stars Hide Fire and Adara 9/17 The Like Young 9/17 Bread and Water 9/18 Landing on Land 9/19 Peru w/Dead Meadow 9/20 The Broken Hips 9/21 Digger w/ Kicked in the Head 9/22 The Setup w/Forensics Daughters 9/24 The Heroine Shieks 9/27 Before Falling and Last Crash (thier first show! featuring members of ATP, Sunnshine, Jersey) 9/28 Strong Intention 9/29 Brand New Disaster 9/30 Tristan de Chuna w/The Close 10/14 Pretty Girls Make Graves

Late Night

Weekly Stuff mon

Bandito's new location 354.9999

Capitol City main st.

wax museum, nanci raygun karaoke, chuggers

B

thrs

205 n. shields ave 355.2282

Starlite

2600 W. Main St. 254.2667

sat

sun

3rd st. Diner 218 e. main st 788.4750

2525

2525 W. Main St 204.2525

(more too come...)

*e-mail local@alocalmarket.com to be added

mike kemetic, hardshell dj rick danger, cosmos cheers, browns island dj will and kjell, europa

S.

15

B

Ro 80

78

T

80

C

60

T

15

dragshow, babe’s *1st sunday only neighbor’s appreciation @ the corner cafe

C

Going Out to...

C

26

31

C

71 26

C

10

After Six

T

Catch 22

C

Babes

C

Baja Bean Co.

C

1520 W. Main St. 257.5445

25 80

Bandito’s

E

1708 E. Main St. 780.2344 1718 E. Main St. 343.1560 3166 West Cary St. 355.9330

62

11

21

24

6 E. Grace St. 648.2040

[ September 2003

B

mike kemetic, hardshell dj rick danger, cosmos dj will and kjell, europa

Barcode 39 Chew On This

91

T an

fri

2101 W. Main st.

358.0645

B

special ed /short bus, cary st. cafe karaoke, bandito’s hump day, corner cafe innsbrook, after hours karaoke, the bottom line

2401 W. Main St 355.1198

Sidewalk Cafe

17

wed

4th street

Joe's Inn

B

bootscooter, babes karaoke, sticky rice

600 N. Sheppard St 353.2500

Easy Street Cafe

20

tues

Cafe Diem 9 N 4th.St 648.2838

devil’s workshop, bogart’s sushi heaven, sticky rice

B

[Ms. Information - “All polar bears are lefties.”]

Listings Bogart’s Back Room

Europa

203 N. Lombardy St. 353.9280

1409 E. Cary 804.643.0911

Bottoms Up Pizza

1700 Dock St. 644.4400

Halo 18th St.

Breakers

Hardshell

9127 W. Broad St. 270.1461

Cary St.

Brown’s Island

Have a Nice Day

S. 7th St. 643.2826

11 S. 18th St. 771.1700

2001 E. Franklin St. 343.1617

The Border Chophouse and Bar

Hard Shell Cafe

Sidewalk

1501 W. Main St. 355.2907

Buddy’s place Robinson St. 804.355.3701

Buffalo Wild Wings

7801 W. Broad St. 672.8732

The Corner Cafe

800 N. Cleveland 355.1954

Cafe Diem

600 N. Sheppard St. 353.2500

The Canal Club

1545 East Cary Street 262.810

Cary Street Cafe

2631 W. Cary St. 353.7445

Chopstix

3129 W. Cary St. 358.7027

Comedy Alley

7115 Staples Mill Road 266.9377

Comedy Club

109 S. 12th St. 643.5653

The Comedy Zone

6233 Staplesmill Road 262.9652

Commercial Taphouse 111 N. Robinson St. 359.6544

Crossroads

217 W. Cary St. 643.2060

Curbside Cafe

2525 W. Hanover St. 804.355.7008

Easy Street Cafe

2401 W. Main St. 355.1198

Richie’s Pacific Grill 1847 W. Broad St. 359.1224

Sauce at the Pizza Place 1727 E. Main St. 343.1300

Secrets in the City

1411 E. Cary St. 643.2333

Ipanema

2101 W. Main st.

804.3580645

Sine Irish Pub

917 W. Grace 804.213.0170

1327 E. Cary St. 649.7767

Legend Brewery

Southern Culture

321 W. Seventh St. 232.8871

2229 W. Main St. 355.6939

Main Street Beer Company

1911 W. Main St. 358.9620

Metro Grill

301 N. Robinson Street 353.4453

Sticky Rice

2232 W. Main St. 358.7870

Star lite

2600 W. Main St. 804.254.2667

Mojo’s

733 W. Cary St.

Mulligan’s in the Fan

Tiki Bob’s Cantina

1323 W. Main St. 353.8686

110 N. 18th St. 644.9091

The Nanci Raygun

The Tobacco Company

929 W. Grace St. 353.4263

1201 E. Cary St. 782.9555

Tonic

O’Briensteins

18th St.

1548 East Main Street 648.6271

Out of Bounds

2701 W. Broad St. 355.7390

Penny Lane Pub

207 N. 7th Street 780.1682

Poe’s Pub

2706 E. Main St. 500.7856

Rare Old Times

10602 Patterson Avenue 750.1346

Richbrau Brewing Company 1214 East Cary Street 644.3018

[Ms. Information - “Percentage of U.S. homes with three or more TV sets: 66”]

Chew On This [ September 2003 40

Fight for your Rights Virginians for Alternatives to the Death Penalty

Issues: Capital punishment Address: PO Box 4804, Charlottesville, VA 22905 Phone: 804-263-8148 E-mail: mail@vadp.org Web Page: www.vadp.org Description & Goals: VADP is a statewide citizens organization dedicated to educating the public about alternatives to the death penalty.

Richmond Coalition for a Living Wage

Issues: Working for a living wage ordinance in Richmond and supports economic justice efforts.

Address: 224 S. Cherry Street, Richmond, VA 23220 Phone: (804) 643-2717 E-mail: Mary Lou Decossaux mldecossaux@wbch.org Description & Goals: The Richmond Coalition for a Living Wage is made up of labor, faith, and community groups as well as individuals, who are working together to reduce the problem of poverty wages in the Richmond metropolitan area.

Queer Liberation Front & Lesbian Avengers

Issues: Queer Liberation E-mail: richmond@queerliberation.org Web Page: www.visi.net/vj Description & Goals: These two groups share a web site, noting “It’s rough being queer in the former capitol of the confederacy.”

Virginia Coalition for the Homeless

Issues: Homelessness and poverty Address: 411 East Grace Street, Richmond, VA Phone: 804-644-5527 Web Page: http://www.homeward-richmond.com/vch/ vch.html Description & Goals: The Virginia Coalition for the Homeless brings people together to advocate, educate, and develop resources for the elimination of homelessness and poverty in Virginia.

Food Not Bombs (Richmond)

Issues: Feed the poor/reduce military spending E-mail: ferret@end-war.com Web Page: http://foodnotbombsrva.8m.com/ Description & Goals: Based on the notion that if resources were not misallocated on weapons of war and on perpetuating the existing system of individual greed, there would be plenty to meet everyone’s basic needs for food, housing, and health care.

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ink Tattoo & Art 1825 W. Main St. RVA 804-359-4755

KNOW know YOUR your LOCALS locals

MEETING THE PEOPLE THAT LIVE HERE

������� ��� ������ ���� ���� ����

Name: Ivey N. Blunt Age: 25 Birthplace: South Boston, VA Do you like Richmond: Yes, I love it and I get really tired of people complaining about it and saying that they don’t like it and that there is nothing to do. If you hate it so bad then move.

Name: Ron West Age: 27 Birthplace: On a naval base in Norfolk then immediately shipped to Platsburg, NY. How long you been here in Richmond? About 7 years.

How long have you been here: 8 years

Musical taste? Old skool hip hop, Conscious hip hop.

Musical taste: I really like an assortment of all types.

Reason for coming the city? Promotion on an old job - billing clerk.

What is the reason for moving to Richmond: To go to VCU What caught your eye: I came from a really small town and I liked the urban campus and setting. And I just liked the diversity that I saw.

What would you do to improve this city: I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it. Every city everywhere needs some kind of improvement and yes we do have our problems, but doesn’t everywhere.

Describe, in your words, the culture of Richmond: A mini melting pot.

Thoughts about the Canal Walk: I think it’s kind of neat if you like that kind of stuff. I’ve been there a couple of times and even done the boat tour. I liked it okay. Not something I will do a lot. Maybe I’ll go down more when all the stores and restaurants are there.

What’s the best part of Richmond? The people are good people and it’s very chill here.

What needs improvement? Get rid of the old mindset, the historical guys, and let the south die, so we can progress.

Why do we need to bring up old shit.

What is your take on our city’s culture? I like the feeling of relaxation, sitting on your porch having some lemonade, and smoking a fat one. It’s nice because people around here will still get their shit done.

What are your top 5 drinking holes: Sidewalk Cafe, Starlite, Corner Cafe, Banditos, Mulligans on Main

Does the water taste different here: Yes, it does to me b/c I grew up with well water.

Where do you go to relax: My house Do you consider yourself an approachable and nice person: I don’t know how approachable I am, but I do consider myself a very nice person.

When out partying, what are your top 5 drinking holes: Sticky Rice, Southern Culture, Bamboo, My front porch, those are about the only ones I like.

[ September 2003

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Do you think most Richmonders are nice: I don’t really think it has to do with if you are a Richmonder or not. People are just different. Some are approachable or not and some are nice or not.

43 Chew On This

K

[Ms. Information - “Number of violent acts seen on TV by age 18: 200,000”]

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Kevin 1977-2003 Kevin Matthew Eberly You might have an old Varina yearbook splashed with Kevin’s pictures all over the sports section from volleyball to baseball to wrestling, where his incredible strength and agility dominated the mats and the meets. Perhaps you had an opportunity to share the George Mason campus with his undeniably charismatic presence. By chance you had the delight of Kevin’s smile greeting your table on a Friday night at Tobacco Company or better yet work beside him as he attempted to show you his infamous broken apron trick.

If not that, he might have shown you his favorite black and whites from Jamaica even 3 months after the fact, or maybe won money from him one night playing darts on the third floor at Matt’s Pub. Still not sure? He might have been in picture perfect costume with one of his best friends as Gary and Ace, the Ambiguously Gay Duo, and not necessarily on Halloween. How about that crazy guy who could squirt limes in his eyes and quarters up his nose and still be the most charming guy in the entire room. Quite possibly you could have just sat next to him at Out of Bounds and listened as he spoke so highly of his parents and how honored he felt to be their son. If nothing else, he could have simply opened the door for you because he never forgot to be a gentleman.

He loved people, politics, breakfast and his red suit.

He really loved being naked. He was always the center of attention with poise and confidence, yet remained incredibly humble and genuine. He was loyal and affectionate and was devoted to defending anyone and anything that held importance in his life. He loved a challenge; a challenge of his intelligence, intellect, strength and abilities and would bet on anything just for the fun of it. He bought lottery tickets every week from the same store down the road from

his house, always numbers referring to his wrestling career, as well as a couple quick picks. As one of his friend’s said, he was the only person who could talk you into driving all the way out to Varina just to pick him up and bring him back to your house where he would eat your food and play your video games and you did it because you loved him so much. He took much pride in his work and strived only to do better the next time around. He had this amazing ability to create close, personal, relationships with everyone he knew and was everyone’s best friend and favorite person to spend time with. He was supportive and took a genuine interest in the creative abilities of those around him. For those whose voice carried a song, he always requested at least one serenade simply because it brought joy to his day. He loved to bowl with Jason and Matt. He listened to Ani Difranco, Ben Harper, and Barenaked Ladies Live often. He could fill an entire room with laughter just by being Kevin, and yet there was a soft, deep, and even timid man that coexisted inside his soul. He wanted to get a Gremlin tattoo, compete in CBR5, earn his degree, hold his brand new niece and nephew, and finally finish his house. He even expressed a desire to have his own column in this magazine.

One of the very first conversations Kevin and I had three years ago was something that changed my view on life forever. It happened to be the theme on my graduation announcement. He said, “People in life are not your family or loved ones, nor your friends or enemies. They are your teachers. They come in and out of your life for a reason, to bring you strength and help you grow.” What an unforgettable teacher Kevin was to every life he has ever touched.

To have been graced with his spirit is an honor, if only for such a short time. For the lessons he taught are now a part of me and it’s because of this that I may carry him with me forever.

CHEW ON THIS! @#$%&

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