Chew On This Magazine - October 2003

Series 1, Episode 4 October 2003

FREE

chew on this

illustration by Oura vs. Jim Callahan 2003

keep it on you.

kulture ad space

CHEW ON THIS Series 1, Episode 4 September 2003 Design Stuart Dwiddle R. Anthony Harris Justin Vaughan

EDITORIAL Letterman is rubbing his wife’s belly, Osama goes on a scenic hike, Hedgepath won’t step down from City Council, John Ritter tears his aorta, Bush admits to a fib, Johnny Cash plays his last note on the heart monitor, record companies suing 12 year olds.

Enough to scare the bejesus out of anyone, this is our hell. Seems fitting heading into the creepiest month of the year. Truly the best holiday or excuse to party of the year, the 31st is approaching rapidly. It’s time to plan.

We have you covered with all the essentials you will need to know. From the hot spots and what to wear to the terror of Richmond politics and the horror of big business. So, take a load off. Sit back, relax, and shout at the top of your lungs, “God Bless America, ...and nowhere else!” Welcome to this, our fourth issue.

A big thanks to the fine folks at SaveRichmond.com for last issue’s open letter to City Council and for not getting mad about their missing props. - JM

Writers Filthy Apes Allan Fidell Don Harrison R. Anthony Harris Kevin Gallagher Kirsten Lewis Jonathan Martin Ryan Mckee Johnny Motive Ryan Pollack Lander Salzberg Liz Skrobiszewski Illustration Jim Callahan Oura Photography Kirsten Lewis Jon Martin Ad Sales R. Anthony Harris Lander Salzberg Jon Martin Cover Design Jim Callahan Oura Please send all advertising inquiries to jon@alocalmarket.com Are you interested in contributing to Chew On This? We are currently looking for illustrators, designers, writers, photographers, and artists for our publication. E-mail: local @ alocalmarket.com for more info.

Happy Hurricane!

s t n e t n o C

ART

COMMENTARY + OPINIONS

These are images of Dane Jeffersons art.

I planned to take pictures of the people at the show, and the camera was ready at the start. Afterwards the pics I took blew, but a good time was had ‘cause the wine was free that warm night on the 12th of August.

5 Easy Questions with Deeda DeShield A soldier’s son who asks a lot of questions with a combination of graffiti and images from person real and unreal. He has created a personal iconic language that is the spark of many good conversations. Which is exactly what he needs to continue as an artist. He came by my studio to take a load off and chew the fat.

A: What influences you to make your work?

D: When I see religious imagery, listen to hip-hop, see the mixing of language with images from the Egyptians back then and graphic design now. I’m also interested in graffiti. [pause] People minimalize the artist today but we are the social architect. If people dig up anything in the future, it will be art and they will see what we are about.

A: Speaking of the future, where does your progress lead?

D: I’ve only been painting for about four years and I am still a little kid.

I still get excited because everything is new to me. There are a lot of materials I need to use. So there is the direction.

A: How important is it for you to sell your work?

D: It is not real important, the dialogue is what’s really matters. That is where the longevity is built. When people are talking about your work, they revisit your themes. If you have a thousand paintings but no one sees them what is the point.

A: You visit the idea of Jesus being black in your work. Can you explain what that concept means to you?

D: All things are realistic. I try to deal with where he was and when he was. Being born of Egypt he wasn’t of blonde hair and blue eyes. But to me it is really a reference to Haile Selassie, who is a modern day reincarnation of Christ. [Deeda gave a really good explanation but I was to caught up in the conversation to write it down, sorry Deeda] A: Do you have any shows lined up?

D: First friday in January at the West Franklin Street Library.

Museums and Galleries 1708 Gallery 319 W. Broad St. 643.1708

Lora Robbins Gallery University of Richmond 289.8276

Agecroft Hall & Gardens 4305 Sulgrave Road.

353.4241

Main St Gallery 1537 W. Main St. 359.3499

Artemis Gallery 1601 W. Main St 353.2676

Marsh Art Gallery University of Richmond 289.8279

Artists Downtown Access 228 W.Broad 644.0100

Maymont 1700 Hampton St. 358.7166

Artspace 6 E. Broad St. 782.8672

Museum of the Confederacy 201 E. Clay St. 648.1861

Astra Gallery 3141 W. Cary St. 257.5467

Orange Door Gallery 12 W. Broad St. 648.7771

Black History Museum 00 Clay St. 780.9093

Richmond History Center 1015 E. Clay St. 649.0711

Brazier Gallery W. Cary St. 359.2787 Chasen Gallery 3554 W. Cary St. 204.1048 Children’s Museum of Richmond 2626 W. Broad St. 470.7010 Corporate and Museum Frame 301 W. Broad St. 643.6858 Cudahy’s Gallery 1314 E. Cary St. 782.1776 Dementi Studios 3851 Springfield Rd. 648.9003 For Art’s Sake Gallery 3451 W. Cary St. 353.8101

Richmond Public Library 101 E. Franklin St. 646.4740 Science Museum of Virginia 2500 W. Broad St. 864.1400 The University of Richmond Museum University of Richmond 289.8276 Upcast Gallery 221 Brook Rd. 225.7171 Uptown Gallery 1305 W. Main St. 353.8343 Virginia Aviation Museum International Airport 236.3622

Hand Workshop Art Center 1812 W. Man St. 353.094

Virginia Holocaust Museum 2000 E. Cary St. 257.5400 Virginia

the Ink Tattoo & Art 1825A W. Main St. 359.4755

Historical Society 428 N. Boulevard 358.4901

John Muir Gallery 6 N. Sixth St. Suite 102 594.0855

Virginia Museum 2800 Grove Ave 340.1400

Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens 1800 Lakeside Ave. 262.9887

Virginia Science Museum 2500 W. Broad St. 864.1400

Library of Virginia 800 E. Broad St. 692.3592

Visual Art Studio 208 W. Broad St. 644.1368 tony@alocalmarket.com

M A I N

S T R E E T

804-358-8865

The Relaxed Salon in The Fan Student Discounts Looking for a stylist. Small independent salon.

Stylists have the power to set their own prices. Come interview us: 804-358-8865 Images Main Street is proud to be a Framesi Elite Moda Capelli Salon.

MUSIC

COMMENTARY

BANDS

+RESOURCEs

R.I.P. M.I.B

5

Chew On This

o

October 2003

[Ms. Information - “Reebok attempts to respond to email requests 24 hours a day.”]

September Kicks Off With a ROAR

by Ryan Pollack

What did you do last weekend? On Saturday, Sept 6th, I was up at 4:45 AM to exercise my First Amendment Rights.

A requiem for Wesley Willis

by Ryan Mckee

This man was a Rock ‘n Roll musician This man was schizophrenic He was well fed He could also butt your head Wesley Willis!

Wesley Willis!

Wesley Willis!

Wesley Willis!

This man wrote funny songs This man thrown out of church for cursing He wasn’t happy all the time He gave us a look into his mind Wesley Willis!

Wesley Willis!

Wesley Willis!

Wesley Willis!

This man rocked on a keyboard I laughed until I cried while listening This man died on August 21, 2003 He is now rocking with Kurt Kobain and Eazy-E Rock over London, Rock on Chicago, Diet Pepsi – You got the right one baby.

That Saturday, about a thousand people showed up at the Upper Senate Park in Washington, DC to protest the Illicit Drug Anti-Proliferation Act. The IDAP Act institutes a 20-year maximum prison sentence for any club promoter at whose event drugs are found. Its ambiguous language is targeted at raves but could be applied to any musical event. The DEA has already used it to close a NORML meeting in Montana.

In reaction to the RAVE Act (an early version of the IDAP Act), a group of dedicated electronica enthusiasts in DC formed a group called ROAR. Their 2002 protest on Capitol Hill drew international attention, and it was their 2nd annual protest that I attended on September 6th.

People came out to support for a variety of reasons; VCU senior Paul Dumond told me why he made the trip: “It’s important that the government doesn’t tell us what we can and can’t listen to,” he explained. “We need to break down the stereotype that it’s all about the drugs.” His words echo ROAR’s sentiments that the drug provisions in the law are a smokescreen for clamping down on free expression.

By all measures, Saturday was a success. Partygoers from as far away as Florida came to voice their opinion. International DJs showed their support by playing for free. ROAR obtained many petition signatures. Speakers from organizations such as the ACLU rallied the crowd. How did we end the day? Following the lead of ROAR cofounder Legba Carrefour, the whole park threw up a big middle finger to the Capitol building just across the street. Then we kept dancing.

For more information on this topic, visit ROAR’s website at www.roargroup.org and the EMDEF at www.emdef.org.

Music

What Were You Saying? a look into the lyrics of our heros...

Swingin’ don’t look up I’ll have to dictate from the ground don’t mind the sound it’s all familiar by now and I’m swingin’ so high unforgiven unimpressed by my first draft she’s a sinker I should have taught her how to swim and I’m swingin’ so high Can you name the band?

And, what year did it come out?

Win free stuff...

If you know the answer email local@alocalmarket.com Last month’s song was “Heroin”

by Velvet Underground.

And the winners are... s2mbhoyl@mail1.vcu VDLPHNLVR@aol donnelly_helen@hotmail

Clutch

Clutch 1995 Asylum/Electra There are so many bands that pass into history with barely a whisper on the lips of the populace. The masses would not understand the warped genius of these unknowns explaining their thoughts through their instruments. Creeping from town to town, playing to small sold out shows of rabid fans, enjoying the labor of music like a farmer tilling his fields. No MTV or Clear Channel love and their moment for superstardom never happened.

Everyone has that favorite musician that has made a difference. You made the trip out to see them in the bitter cold or the pouring rain and waited through the opening bands night after night. Forget the bullshit, forget your job, nod your head, jump around, throw your elbows, and let the sweat roll off your forehead.

Clutch from Maryland is my unknown and their selftitled second full album is my favorite. They moved their guitars to the front of their sound and it paid off with a funk rock sound that resonates a little Primus, Led Zeppelin, and Sabbath. It is hard to pin down their sound but it is rock at its finest with ditties like Spacegrass, Droid, Big News 1 and 2 as instant classics.

They are constantly touring throughout the USA promoting their new albums Pure Rock Fury and Elephant Riders. With the sound being so hard to pin down the radio stations did not put it into heavy rotation and it soon dropped out of sight. Too bad America.

(There is a scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey towards the end the monolith goes above Jupiter. Pause the movie. Put this CD in and set it to the beginning of Spacegrass. Roll a fat one. Smoke it. Turn the sound all the way down on the movie. Push play on the movie and CD at the same time. The astronaut will be going into warp for like 10 minutes and the music will go with it. Its stupid but fun).

FILM

OPINIONS

DISSECTIONS

+LOCAL TALENT

An Inside Look at

“Yellow House” Local Filmmakers

I recently had the opportunity to work with some amazing people this summer, filming “Hitiro The Peasant” with Yellow House here in Richmond.

Yellow House is a local non-profit company started in October 2000 by Stephanie Kelley (Pres) and Justin Dray (vp/Artistic director). They are dedicated to producing and developing new film and theatre, using Richmond’s unique area as a breeding ground for artistic work. Yellow House is made up of board members and an artistic committee, all basically are friends that share the same interests and inspire one another. “Hitiro” is their first major feature length film that the company has done. I was able to sit down and talk with both Stephanie and Justin at length about why they wanted to start a company involved in film and theatre. Here is a little excerpt from our conversation: Jr: So Why Yellow House?

Steph: Well, the name comes from both Justin and my love for the Beatles-Yellow Submarine. And a Van Gough painting entitled “Yellowhouse”, which was a place where all types of artist’s came to inspire each other and just hang out. So we decided on Yellow House, keeping the idea of a community of artists.

Jr: So this is the Yellow House huh..

Steph: It is Justin and mine’s world. Truly. Our lives, our acting gigs, our vacations, EVERYTHING revolves around what we’re doing for Yellow House at any given time.

Jr: I love the way you treat everyone here like they are part of the family (Justin is getting me a Work beer), thanksJustin: You’ve earned it.

Steph: It’s because Justin and I both come from great family backgrounds, and we just want to extend the same feeling to all of the people we work with. It really is the group of us that inspire one another to be able to do these film and theatre projects. We want to give people the opportunity to work in a family environment with other artists.

Jr: Justin what would you say is the purpose of Yellow House?

Justin: The purpose of Yellow House is to afford people the opportunity to meet, share ideas and work together in a cohesive setting in Richmond. Yellow House is built around the ideals of a family. Everyone is equally important to the project and is equally respected for the work that they do to make the project whole. We are...you know, working on getting paid.

9

Chew On This

o

October 2003

[Ms. Information - “The youngest college graduate in the U.S. was 11 years 8 months old.”]

Jr: Yeah, I hear that. So what do you think of being based in Richmond?

Justin: Well Richmond allows us the creative freedom to do what we want, we have found support from many people in our past shows, and hopefully more people will hear about us and be able to see some of the work we have done. We really have made a home here and love the support we have been given ...you know in New York they just slit your throat, but here they allow us to exist and be free to be creative and original.

Jr: So “Hitiro” is your first time directing a feature length film.

Justin: We have done a lot of short films at Yellow House, but this is our first feature film project. So we are all learning together as we go, plus we have a great crew that works really hard. And as big as it is we were astonished to see the amount of people who are just as excited about working on it and being involved with it as we are. It was just about five months ago I was reading “Hitiro the Peasant” by JC Lira pacing around the room wondering if we could do this. And well with Stephanie and Todd Raviotta as our producers, they just kept everybody happy and working towards the same goal. It was truly amazing to see the amount of people that came together and gave their all.

At any given time at Yellow House you can bet there will be something going on. Perhaps someone down stairs is crashed out after editing all night, Stephanie is preparing food for friends, people watching films and sharing their ideas, or up late all night after a shoot just hanging out waiting for the 5:00 am crew call. It’s truly an inspiration to me to find people like Justin and Stephanie who want to come together to do something original and fun. There are not a lot of filmmakers around that are willing to let you into their lives and homes and share with you. Yellow House can only get bigger and better; so keep your eyes posted for their future events (including a film festival in October) and casting calls. Hopefully more people will start to notice the huge amount of talent here in Richmond, and notice groups like Yellow House that combine their efforts to produce quality original entertainment.

For more information on Yellow House please check out their website at www.yellowhouseva.org. Yellow House is located on: 108 S. Addison St. Richmond, VA 23220/phone-804-304-0966.

Megaplexes + the byrd Byrd Theatre

(804) 353-9911 > 2908 West Cary Street

Carmike 10

(804) 897-0888 > 1100 Alverser Drive

Commonwealth 20

(804) 744-2600 > 5001 Commonwealth

Crossings Cinema

(804) 458-0555 > 5246 Oaklawn Blvd.

Ethyl IMAX Dome & Planetarium (804) 864-1400 Science Museum of VA 2500 W. Broad Street

Regal Chester Cinemas

(804) 796-5911 > 13025 Jefferson Davis Highway

Regal Short Pump 14

(804) 360-0947 > 11650 West Broad Street

Regal Southpark Cinema 6

(804) 526-8100 > 374 Southpark Mall

Regal Virginia Center 20

(804) 261-5411 > 10091 Jeb Stuart Pkwy

Regal Westhampton Theatre

(804) 288-9007 > 5706 Grove Avenue

UA Chesterfield Town Center

(804) 379-7800 > 11500 Midlothian Turnpike

UA West Tower

(804) 270-7111 > 8998 West Broad Street

Film

Bring Me the Head of Keanu Reeves

by Kevin Gallagher

Luckily for audiences, there are some leading men out there that not only possess the good looks necessary to win the hearts of the spectators and the leading ladies, but who can also act. This is not a prerequisite to being a leading man as shown by the careers of Freddie Prinze Jr and Ben Affleck. But what is a top notch actor to do when they possess the talent of Adrian Brody and Johnny Depp but not the handsome visage? Welcome to the world of the character actor. The land of the dreadfully ugly and the aging Hollywood maverick.

Such was the fate of Warren Oates, quite possibly the prettiest unattractive man in cinema history. He gained esteem as one of the greatest character actors using his snaggle-tooth smile, charming and repulsing everyone he met. Oates started out early in his niche as an oily criminal. Even though he found his calling quickly in his film career, he was already in his mid thirties when he landed one of his first major roles in the 1962 film Ride the High Country, directed by long-time collaborator Sam Peckinpah. Over the next 30 years Oates put out an impressive series of roles, usually villains of the nastiest order, working with Terrence Malick, Steven Spielberg, Monte Hellman, and always with Sam Peckinpah.

Peckinpah used his normal stock of actors over and over, usually finding just the right films to showcase an actor who had stuck it out with him over and over. With 1974’s Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia, Peckinpah directs Oates to his best performance. Oates plays a bartender

11

Chew On This

o

October 2003

who plans to capitalize on another mans death so that he could have all the money he ever wanted. In the end though, he losses everything he ever cared about, including his sanity. Oates spends a good portion of the movie talking to a head in a box, which should give you a good idea of the tone of his performance.

Oates’ characters were rough lovers, more jealous then affectionate. His characters were masochistic, abusive, and vindictive. Not exactly ladies men. He sold his women with his RV’s and got angry at them just for dying near their other lovers. Whereas Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan give each other knowing glances over the tops of their coffee cups on screen; Oates’ lover rips the head off a chicken and puts it in the hand of his estranged lover, knowing that if she takes it, she loves him back. A rude kind of love for a nasty man.

Not all actors are doomed to such fates. Ernest Borgnine won an Oscar for his homely leading man role in the film Marty. Also, other character actors have managed to walk the line as not quite leading men/not quite character actor. People like Kyle MacLachlan and Benicio Del Torro flip-flop between categories. So perhaps there is hope for unsightly, talented men in Hollywood. At least their task is not as discouraging as that of less then perfect ladies. But until victory, raise your glass high in salute to Bob Hoskins and sob into your beer for him.

[Ms. Information - “Greenland has 1 person for every 15 miles.”]

The Real Beverly Hillbillies

With obviously nothing else to do, 43 congressmen have asked CBS to pull the plug on the production of a show called The Real Beverly Hillbillies. The idea behind the show is to follow a low-income family who has been placed in the lap of luxury with a mansion, maids, a butler, and a nice weekly income.

ridicule and mock people based on stereotypes and economic status The Center for Rural Studies started this protest saying the show will “ridicule and mock people based on stereotypes and economic status.” The website for this organization says they are focused on “improving rural life by increasing public understanding about the importance and value of rural communities.” Well that sounds respectful enough.

CBS has claimed that the show would respect the family, not mock them. How would they do that? If you can remember an episode of the original Beverly Hillbillies, the humor was based around the observers’ reactions.

The word “redneck” is more about how one dresses and talks. And it is by human nature that things foreign to us, the way people talk and dress, are found humorous.

Even in MTV’s Real World, surely the individuals are not expected to represent their race or culture as a people. The idea is entertaining TV about interesting individuals. Isn’t that why casting calls are held?

The actions taken by the Center for Rural Studies and congress could have been better played by working with CBS. Instead of slandering, there could have been a mutual goal to make an entertaining show while teaching about rural America. That’s congress for you. Going head to head in combat without knowing the full details. www.ruralstrategies.org

Try T.V.

To be considered for any of these shows, you will need to make a 5-minute videotape of yourself. Follow these tips to ensure success. Be creative, show us your personality. Tell us who you are and what makes you unique. Most importantly, be yourself! Make sure we can see and hear everyone involved clearly. You need to be able to speak comfortably from your position without turning away from camera. The light source should be in front of you so that everybody is well lit and nobody is in the shadows. Make sure that there is more light in front of you than behind you. Look into the camera’s viewfinder: if you can’t see clearly, we won’t be able to either.

Start the tape with a full body, stand full frame (shoes to hair) in front of the camera. Then zoom in so that we can see you from the waist up. Smile into the camera and say your name, age, height, occupation and hometown.

Then explain why you would be an excellent candidate for the show. Walk the camera through your home or show some of your hobbies so that they get a sense of a typical day in your life. Take a camera person with you around town and introduce your friends on tape and show where you work. These production companies are looking for high-energy individuals who can display ingenuity on the spot.

When done, label the tape with your name, age, address and phone number. Most production companies can only accept VHS tapes. The following reality shows are now holding auditions.

Trading Space: (215) 928-2307 The Bachelor: (866) 739-3150 Taildaters Hotline: (213) 534-3956 Real World 14 Casting Hotline: (818) 754-5790 Meet My Folks: (323) 682-4144 MTV’s Give Your Mate a Break: (212) 654-6137 Change of Heart: (877) 485-9673 MTV’s Dismissed: (310) 752-8334

LOCAL STUFF

THINGS AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD

“Flugtag! ” what’d you call me?”

When you’re 5’6” and come from good Irish stock, you get used to nicknames like “Leprechaun.” Patrick Hannan, a New Yorker transplanted to Richmond, Virginia, makes the most of the comparison. “I’ve worked in restaurants where they’ve paid me to play a leprechaun on St. Paddy’s Day – and gave me a free bar tab because a drunk leprechaun is funnier!” Hannan shrugs. “So when Red Bull Flugtag New York came up, it was a no-brainer.”

Hannan and friends Mark Harris, Kirsten Lewis, Sean Rapoza, and Dave Stewart are going to drive 350 miles to Manhattan to launch a leprechaun from a pot of gold.

Hannan hopes that many of the city’s proud Irish residents will be on hand to cheer his flight at Flugtag. (Or at least his family, since they live only an hour north.) What they’ll see is Harris, Lewis, Rapoza, and Stewart – Irish for a day – wheeling out a pot in the traditional shape except for an unusual, shamrock-covered lid. Thrilled to discover the treasure, they’ll abscond with the kettle, spiriting it away to the edge of the flight deck. But, just as they work up the courage to look inside, Hannan will spring out like a wild leprechaun-in-the-box. Using the lid, which turns out to be an ingenious hang-glider, he’ll sail away from the mortals below, putting an ancient Irish curse on all who dare to look up his cute green shorts.

Deciding on the concept was easy, but naming the entry proved difficult. First they were going to call it the Screaming Leprechaun, but that didn’t seem quite right. Then Lewis remembered the saying ‘What goes up must come down’. Wasn’t there a name for that saying? Murphy’s Law? And so they christened the team, Murphy’s Law. Only to realize later that Murphy’s Law is ‘What can go wrong will go wrong’.

“Ironically, that’s even better!” Hannan laughs. “We know zero about flying, and we’re planning for the worst!”

Check out their team Bio at the official Red Bull Flugtag website. You can visit the site to catch the latest news, scope out their competition, see the results after October 5th, and view short video clips of previous events at: www.redbullflutagnyc.com

I can remember days of frolicking in the sun, swinging in the breeze, splashing waves, and swimming along schools of fish. It is where I spent time at summer camp and where I got drunk at in high school. The beautiful James. According to a pamphlet I received in the mail the other day, the city actually filters the water we drink. Who knew?

The process, called water filtration, was started way back in 1924 shortly before wooden pipes were replaced by lead. The city assures us that “Over the years the plant has been upgraded�. The EPA has been working hard to provide safe drinking water, but what about water I gulped down while swimming at Pony Pasture. In 2002, the interstate commissions assessed approximately 700,000 miles of rivers and 17.34 million acres of lakes and reported that about 40% of streams, 45% of lakes, and 50% of estuaries were not clean enough to support uses such as fishing and swimming. About 33% of U.S. waters were assessed for this national inventory of water quality.

Leading causes of impairment in assessed waters include bacteria, arsenic, fecal matter, and mercury.

Local Stuff

how thirsty are you? even before isabell, there were things you should have known

Water pollution is at its worst when there has been a significant amount of rainfall, and runoff from the urban and city streets are added to the water supply.

from sewage treatment plants and industrial discharges but also in lesser amounts from agricultural and urban runoff.

Unfortunately, as the demands on the river increase, accommodating everyone’s needs and maintaining the health of the river becomes more difficult. The James is now stressed by a combination of pollutants,

And yet, here was another option and reason to not raise the food tax. All of Henrico County receives their water from the cities facilities. Why must the city of Richmond fall in the shadows of the West End financially when we control their water supply?

waters include bacteria, arsenic, fecal matter and mercury including nutrients, toxins and bacteria. Landings of freshwater spawners, such as shad and striped bass, and commercial harvests of market oysters have declined dramatically over the years. Over 53,000 acres of once productive shellfish beds are now closed.

A growing concern in the James, particularly just below Richmond, is pollution by nutrients, such as phosphorous and nitrogen. The James receives the highest nutrient inputs of any river in Virginia, mostly

Call me crazy, but I personally wish there was no filtration process. The water I swam in in my youth is good enough for me today. And think of all the surprises you would receive! Right in the sink!!

I’m imagining fish and shrimp fresh from the James out of the tap and straight to the grill. Visions of a new pet salamander dance through my head. Could lost jewelry, old coins, buried treasure, civil war memobrilia, fingers, and cool rocks compare to rich bold taste of the Mighty James?!? I think not.

How thirsty are you?

Local Stuff

Anthony, homi-less

Age - 43

Family - One son, Alexander, who is 7.

Hometown - NYC. He came to Richmond 10 years ago because he had a severe drug and alcohol problem. He figured that drugs were more expensive in Richmond so he could control his habit. He was mistaken.

Four years ago he admitted himself into the RABUCAN DRUG REHAB CENTER with the financial assistance of the city. He has been clean and sober ever since.

Street Location - Shockoe slip. Usually can be found selling The Hard Times on the corner of Cary and 12th street. Why only Anthony? Hard Times rules allow only one vendor per 2 city blocks.

How much to survive? - Anthony HAS to make $110/week to survive. 7 months ago he began renting a room at $85/week.

Why the streets? Honorably discharged on disability from the army where he served from 1980-1991. There has been a red flag placed on his social security number concerning the injury of his knee, which he receives shots of cortisone in weekly. When he applies for employment, the red flag shows up on his background check. This prohibits him from employment because in the event of injury on the job the company’s insurance will not cover him. This preexisting condition makes him an undesirable candidate for any job. Unfortunately, he has not received any disability check from the government to compensate for the discharge.

Panhandling - More people just give Anthony money than actually purchasing The Hard Times. He is extremely personable, non-threatening, intelligent, and intellectual. He has developed quite a network in Richmond, and many locals know him. “If I treat people with respect, they in turn will respect me,” states Anthony. He enjoys getting to know his daily passerby’s but explains that he hates asking people for money, “If you think I enjoy this job you’re foolish. I have to do it to survive. I want to go home to a place to lay my head too.”

The Future - Anthony has been in and out of the courtroom with the government trying receive the monthly disability check due to him, as well as reimbursement for the 10 years they failed to pay him. “They owe me over $150,000, but I have only asked for a third of that. We won the last case, but the Army is appealing the decision,” explains Anthony. “We’re going to win this time. The judge already told the government they have no case. If we agree on a reasonable settlement, I’ll be done with Hard Times.”

We wish Anthony the best of luck and will follow up on his case, hopefully victoriously.

Door Beads • Tapestries • Posters Stickers • Incense • Body Oils T-Shirts • Women’s Apparel Sandals & More!

Visit our two locations: Picasso Moon Imports • Richmond, VA 9734 Midlothian Trnpk & 930 West Grace St. 1-800-249-5556 www.picassomoon.com

that Punk Chef Jumbalaya on the Cheap

2 stalks of celery diced 1 green pepper diced 1 link sausage chucked 1 tomato diced 1 tablespoon water mixed with 1 tablespoon flour 1 chicken bouillion cube for flavor 1 pinch of salt and pepper 1 teaspoon cajun seasoning 1 tablespoon butter 1 box of instant rice for your base place all ingredients (except flour and water) in large hot pot for 5 minutes stir constantly add water and flour cook for 2 minutes on med/high heat scoop it onto your cooked rice and you have yourself some jumbalaya, punk style

if you have actually tried one of these featured recipes send the left overs and a lil’ “feedback” to local@alocalmarket.com

the Inquisitor

local POLITICS & NEWS

“Can’t anybody here play this game?”

From SaveRichmond.com

Casey Stengel’s epitaph for the ‘62 Mets is the only realistic way of understanding the plan to erect a 300-foot statue on the James. A stranger vision of downtown could not have been beamed from Planet Zeno into the minds of the Greater Richmond Chamber of Commerce.

They want to spend between $21 and $29 million on this project, all because the Queen of England is going to be driving through Richmond in four years and we want to impress her.

We agree that there’s going to be nothing more impressive than downtown Richmond in 2007. In fact, we think the town fathers are missing the bigger picture—pretty soon urban planners from around the world are going to be able to save tons of money by visiting Richmond alone, where they’ll be able to see: •

A failed convention center

•

A failed “Canal Walk”

•

What we hope will not be a mostly dark, eight-venue performing arts center surrounded by NO local businesses (which seems to be the current plan)

•

What we hope will not be an empty shopping center atop a denuded Browns Island

•

The pedestrian bridge for the failed 6th Street Marketplace perched atop Silver Persinger’s house...and whatever else comes our way in the next 48 months.

Look, this is getting out of hand. Whatever impact anyone thinks the 2007 celebrations are going to have on the Richmond economy — and we’re sure there’s reams of papers from consultants saying this will be bigger than tobacco — nobody in charge seems to be considering that people who reside in Richmond are going to have to live with this Frankenstein’s monster of a downtown — not to mention pay for it.

In a way, we kind of like this plan: It’s Richmond’s prevailing aesthetic of downtown renovation brought to its logical conclusion. No need to look at a successful, organically driven renewal like that of Carytown — what’s really needed downtown is a 300-foot statue to religious freedom. They should make it blink; that’ll ensure that downtown comes back.

Meanwhile, we’re still getting emails from people who’ve moved away from Richmond and can’t believe that the Citizen restaurant block (featured on our splash page) is still abandoned and rotting ten years after they left.

Since the Style Weekly article ran, we’ve received some criticism that it’s nattering nabobs of negativity such as ourselves who are really damaging Richmond. This plan shows that there’s really no need for us to do that — just as the fleeing Confederate soldiers proved at the end of the Civil War when they accidentally burned the city to the ground, there’s no greater danger to Richmond than those who love it unconditionally. As Stengel once told his barber, “A shave please, but don’t cut my throat. I may want to do it later myself.”

23

Chew On This

o

October 2003

[Ms. Information - “Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of linen.”]

The Inquisitor

SLIM PICKINGS

Since Sa’ad El-Amin lost his seat on City Council, the position is open for the remainder of his term until 2005. With all the humility we have endured from past councilmen and women, it is imperative to take a good look at our 6 candidates.

While the 6th District encompasses a massive area stretching across the whole city, it suffers from high crime rates and a large poverty level population. As important as these issues are, we wanted to focus on the area where all of our city’s funds are being allocated.

With all of the big business moving in, everyone needs a favor here and there. This is why we all should be very concerned of each candidate’s character. So Chew and SaveRichmond.com teamed up to drill some tough questions about the future of Downtown Richmond and the closed door dealings of Richmond politics.

All candidates received the following email, were given a 5-day deadline, were contacted by telephone several times, and all agreed to answer our questions. But just like real politicians, all except for one candidate did not reply to our questions. All talk, and no action. Shame on all of you.

Here is what we wanted to know: Hi, thank you so much for taking some time to answer these questions.

The public will be glad to hear of your willingness to tackle these issues in a time where Richmond is changing so rapidly.

1. The proposed performing arts center is now being funded with meals tax money culled from the city’s indigenous entertainment and restaurant industries. Serious questions have been posed about the project’s willingness to encompass ALL of the performing arts, especially music and events that would appeal to young people. A few questions: a. Will you do anything to make sure that this new performing arts center is accountable to all local performing artists and the diverse group of citizens (including young urban professionals and students) being directly taxed? b. Do you believe that this performing arts center should be programmed and overseen by local performing artists and genuine arts authorities or by the businessmen, lawyers and retired politicians who serve on the board of the Virginia Performing Arts Foundation? c. Can you tell us if you know what would happen if a controversial performer or performance piece came to the new performing arts center? Specifically, who or what will make the ultimate decision about censorship.

2. Some have argued that public-private partnerships like Richmond Renaissance and the Broad Street CDA have too much power and are held largely unaccountable for major decisions that affect all of Richmond, like unwanted convention centers, failed marketplaces and ill-defined performing arts centers. Specifically, how will you help to

25

Chew On This

o

October 2003

[Ms. Information - “A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.”]

make these unelected public-private partnerships of Richmond more accountable to taxpayers and average citizens?

3. Richmond’s “Downtown Plan” would appear to be a sad tale of failure after miserable failure. The convention center appears to be following in the same never-ending pattern of huge hype, big money and total meltdown that greeted the Sixth Street Marketplace. At what point should Richmond fire city manager Calvin Jamison, dissolve Richmond Renaissance and start all over with a fresh vision?

If you disagree with the above summation of Richmond’s “Downtown Plan,” can you name any consistently successful parts of the plan since its inception in the mid-‘80’s and why were they successful?

4. Many young people with school-aged children feel they’re forced to choose between living in the city and moving to a suburb with a better school system. What immediate steps will you take to reform our crumbling public schools and keep middle class people in the city?

5. Richmond has some of the most restrictive nightclub laws in Virginia. As an immediate economic result, few major touring acts stop in Richmond, and the city’s “street-level” arts scene, which is vital to any city’s rebirth, suffers. Do you believe Richmond’s iron-fisted approach is the only reasonable solution to problems at nightclubs?

Here are the candidates names and phone numbers that did not reply. This is public record. Do not be afraid of contacting them and insisting that our inquiry be answered.

Eric C. Anderson - (w)349.5708 (h)225.0179 Arthur Lewis Burton - (h)303.3270 Harvey C. Johnson, Jr. - (w)502.0614 (h)745.6656 Ellen F. Robertson - (w)321.5960 (h)321.1129

L. Shirley Harvey

Chew’s Endorsement for City Council’s 6th Seat

It has been an absolute pleasure speaking with Shirley. You can hear it in her voice how she truly cares for the people of Richmond and will make a great watchdog for the rest of the council. Plus, Shirley loves our magazine and wants to write for us in the future episodes. If you live in the 6th District, remember Shirley in November. Here is her platform.

Lawrence Ellis Williams - (w)643.5666 Michael J. Ziglar - (h)350.9121

[Ms. Information - “The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.”]

Continued on pg. 27

Chew On This

o

October 2003

26

The Inquisitor

More on L. Shirley Harvey The sixth District is increasing poverty in the residential areas. Seniors and low-income residents cannot afford the high cost of gas and water. We need to improve economic development conditions for individuals who have moneymaking ideas and not throw all our largest resources to corporate conglomerates that can speculate with their own money rather than with taxpayer funds. Poverty is the prime cause of the crime that is rampant in the Sixth District.

The top issue facing Richmond is leadership.

Council members have forsaken their role as leaders and have allowed groups like the Richmond Renaissance to make decisions for us and for them.

As long as the members of the Richmond Renaissance do not walk in our shoes, they cannot feel our pain and will never know how to advocate for us. It is time to include our citizens in deciding the solutions for Richmond including the Performing Arts Center.

No city should be held hostage by a council who is willing to allow people who pay politicians for favors over people who pay taxes. The payment of $2.7 million per year for a symphony hall for the rich is ridiculous at the same time that we have seniors who cannot pay their gas and water bills and children in schools who cannot read. I will use all the power that God gives me to have this money funneled to those who really need it. It is time Richmond’s City Council stands up for people, not politics.

The voters in my district should elect me rather than the incumbent because unlike the incumbent, I am responsive to the voters in my district. They can call me and I will answer because I come to where they need me. My telephone number is 232-4832 and is shown on my posters. I will not sell out my constituents to attain my personal goals. In fact, my personal goal is to help to improve the lives of the citizens of Richmond.

My foremost goal to accomplish if elected is to show Richmonders that they are the most important resource in our city and that all good “improvements� to the city should help to improve their lives. The Council should be mindful that the citizens should be included in deciding how our money will be spent and who should get it. If we edify all people, our city will be built and our financial resources will be enhanced.

Replacing our tax-burdened citizens with outsiders is not the answer to making Richmond a great city.

KENNY LAY

POLITICS & NATIONAL NEWS

equipment and grid system

Somewhere around the beginning of September the Richmond Times Dispatch had a headline that read " Ex EPA Officials in New Jobs, "

Environmental Protection Agency officials involved in easing an air polluton rule for old power plants have taken private-sector jobs with firms that benefit from the changes. " I am not gonna rant. I don't know the other

leading to the blackout. Now even less reason for all huge companies to curb

buried in the paper. The first paragraph " Two top

their

pollution because a relaxing of the rules.

These occurrence are not random and maybe people

have to consider the possibility that government cannot control

or regulate the biggest businesses. I imagine the amount of control a

side of the story but I do feel helpless and huge utility company can have on the government is tremendous. saddened by the direction that the country Keeping these entities in check seems to be over. The big wigs of seems to be taking by giving breaks to big corporations and industry. In recent months the FCC has lowered standards on radio and television

companies have unexplained

Labor Day weekend.

The regulators of

use the media to break us into groups opposing each other thus keeping anyone from getting to the heart of any problem.

Here is an example:

media ownership. The gas

price hikes right before

these giants treat us like stupid children, and maybe we are. They

If I say Im for clean air and water someone believing themselves a conservative will label me a liberal and take a position as a someone who is for

business. I do not want to argue with you and I do not need your label. I make decisions

energy allowing utility

based upon good ideas and I want both things. We need business. We need clean

companies to rake in

air.(now the conservative thinks me a moderate) Combining them will cost money, I

profits for providing energy but

understand this. My question is why is it a problem for a company that reports earnings

that reach billions to spend millions on preserving our breathing air?

then not giving them incentive to keep up the

Nothing will get done and in the next 10 years citizens from states with the highest levels of air pollution will have to buy air in a bottle. Next Evian will do air and Gatorade will be asking you is it in you in their commercials. Sounds like the next big thing. It can be mountain air that is filtered thru some high tech machine. Put in a bottle along with a breathing mask attachment. It can get alittle intro on CNN and the medical lady will talk about how good clean air is for your body. Then the snowball will gain speed with soccer moms buying clean air for their families. Then the fight over the clean air market with a whole slew of generics coming out with their own brands. People buying air from corporations.

I guess this could never happen. Who would buy air for a dollar? I cannot think of anything else that is essential, used to be free, and now I pay for it to be bottled clean for me.

Somewhere Kenny Lay and his CEO buddies keep going about business r.a.h.09/03

as usual.

[Ms. Information - “Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister.�]

Chew On This

o

October 2003

28

Kenny Lay

He’s Back....

by R. Anthony Harris

I’m glad I don’t live in California. Arnold Schwarzenegger has used fame to become a leading candidate in the recall. Anybody with any sense knows why he ‘s leading but what is really interesting is how this run for governor was so carefully planned.

A few years ago Arnold expressed interest in running for office . To achieve this goal he needed to soften his image as an action hero with high body counts. Plus, he is embarking on the biggest gamble of his life. And even a multi-millionaire would want to build up some cash to act as a buffer in case he loses.

Terminator was a sure fire franchise movie to do both. Ever wonder why James Cameron, Linda Hamilton, and even Edward Furlong from T2 did not get on board for this last installment? All of them could have cashed in. Could it be everyone knew from reading the script that this was Arnold’s launching pad back into the public’s good graces and it was a steamy pile. This script was written for him to come off as a good, likable guy. He would not sign on without that, not to mention the thirty million dollar paycheck. Luckily for him a shot at governor came a lot sooner with the recall.

Don’t agree? Think about this.

A) The body count was way down.

B) Isn’t it nice that he says your favorite one-liners over and over again throughout the film. (i.e. I ‘m back....she’ll be back....I’m back (again) ). It became a semi-parody and compared to the serious second film, this movie was silly.

C) How many times did he come back from getting his ass kicked? I understand this happened in the other movies but this movie was reaching for a handclap, a laugh, a giggle. Anything but the uneasy looks to the floor, the small coughs, the sound of crickets chirping outside the theater, or the overwhelming desire to be put to sleep D) My last question is this. If the machines had not sent back a super robot to kill John Conner this time, he would have died in the nuclear bombing when SKYNET took over. Conner and Claire Dane’s character would not have been chased into a bunker and thus saved for the upcoming battle of man vs. machine.

So this media machine starts with this PR move by Arnold. Very nice.

It continues with Arnold winning the election without having to explain his politics. He continues to make broad general uplifting statements avoiding any details or hard facts. As good at politics as he is an actor he will play his part much like Charlton Heston did for the NRA. Being spoon-fed one-liners by the men who are really in charge.

The media machine is spinning all arguments away from intelligent debate and onto big catchy phrases, and well-timed photo ops.

Too bad for the millions of Californians who are becoming victim to their own fake Hollywood reality. If Arnold becomes governor they will pay a huge price and the media will continue to roll.

29

Chew On This

o

October 2003

[Ms. Information - “Donald Duck’s middle name is Fauntleroy.”]

Kenny Lay

PICS FROM AROUND RICHMOND

by Allan Fidell Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a U.S. radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a U.S. resident.

Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply

remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them: 1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35: clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.

How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).

He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?

- Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan, Allan Fidell

SEX + THE SEXES

DATING

STYLE

ADVICE

NO STRINGS ATTACHED

by Rebekah Trachtenburg

So my plans with Peter didn’t exactly pan out. I did see him, but only an hour in a crowded local bar. Conversation was impersonal with constant interruptions by familiar passer-bys stopping to make insignificant small talk. As I stood there across from him I realized, the reality of Peter presently and my memory of Peter from the past are two entirely different entities.

The only effort he’s ever put forth in the past five years has been unzipping my fly. So why do I continue to revisit the ghost of someone I once loved despite a past he’s scorned me with. Why can’t we keep our past out of the present so it doesn’t f*&k up the future?

When is enough really enough? Apparently I have a problem recognizing this.

There was Tom, the guy who not only taught me how to give the best blow job but also how to overlook all the signs of a lying, cheating, sorry I ever put my lips anywhere near you, boyfriend. Finally, after a year of him porking his ex-girlfriend, I left him. Then there was Ari. Sadly, Ari ranks higher on the totem pole of my dating life. He managed to convince me that the hickey on his neck was from his friend who had popped him with a wet towel. A year from our initial introduction he broke up with me over email explaining that he never really loved me and was just using me to get over his ex.

Peter’s idea of commitment is calling every couple of months to educate me on the benefits of anal sex, how it can bring the two of us closer together with mutual pleasure, and the latest techniques to avoid pain and swelling. The “screwed me good and hard” award (and

33

Chew On This

o

October 2003

I’m not referring to the bedroom) definitely goes to Eddie. It wasn’t banging that fat chick or spending all of our bill money so he could smoke coke or even the countless number of broken glass objects or holes he kicked into our front door. You would have thought it was the time he called me a whore in front of his best friend, or when he shot his Ruger 44 Magnum in the house the night I refused to speak to him. But no. It wasn’t until one of my only friends organized a dozen people I really didn’t know to meet on a Saturday morning at my front door, that I decided to load up the truck and leave the baggage behind.

Every one of these experiences ties a small string around one finger to serve as a reminder of what not to do, what not to look for, and what to completely avoid. My hands are now covered with tiny white bows and I can’t help but hesitate when someone new offers their hand to hold. I know that in order to maintain a new, healthy relationship that offers the promise of a future I must untie these knots and throw away the tattered strings. I must leave my past behind and feel confident in the strength I have gained to work towards a future. Today I removed two strings, and tomorrow maybe another. One step at a time, but for now I feel comfortable being single with my two cats and a vibrator.

[Ms. Information - “Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots ”]

Why is it I always doubt myself when something good happens to me?

Actual Size.

Ok, so it didn’t turn out that great. Although this project made for the best first date I’ve ever had.

Using this article and the magazine as a reason to ask for help to make my own dildo and keep my erection hard will perhaps be my greatest pick-up line of all times. We read the instructions over a nice dinner at Legends, drank a few Oktoberfests and a couple of lemon drops then started the process.

What follows are my instructions to make a successful dildo because I sure as hell didn’t.

1.

Trim it down. Make out with your chick; remember there is a difference between a new hard-on and a hard-on that has been teased for 15 minutes.

2.

Using a tall and wide cup, you mix powder and water to make a cast. The lady should do this, preferably bent over naked.

3.

Do not wait long, the mix should not gel too much before insertion for it makes the cast lose all the detail of veins and such. And fill the cup to the top! I lost around two inches on the final product because I failed to do so.

4.

Stay in for around 60-90 seconds, remind the lady that she could be helping out with the balls at this time.

5.

Pull out, fill it with the rubber mix. Viola, a great present to give to an ex.

6. Repeat process to add you balls. If you messed up the first take, suck it up, forget about your balls, and try it again.

Make your own dildo, available at Taboo Lingerie.

6021 W. Broad St. Richmond, Va - 804.440.8228 www.taboolicious.com

Growing up in the repressed West End, I always found myself trying to please someone. First my parents, trying to get their attention by making silly paintings in pre-school so that they would put them on the fridge. Then straight into my school years constantly freaking out about making the grade and which girl I was dating. From there I went into the working world thinking that if all the people around me were happy and I met my requirements then I was successful. It drove me nuts.

The one person I forgot about was pleasing myself. It may sound selfish, but all the people that I was trying to please really did not think too much about my success because they are thinking of their failures.

The major question is, what are you going to do to change this really unsuccessful habit?

Stop being your worst enemy. Start with little changes and confer with a life coach.

If you feel better about yourself, you will feel great about all that you accomplish.

Got a problem and no one cares? Not true.

Let the patrons at World Cup Coffee House take care of you. Send your questions to local@alocalmarket.com.

World Cup

coffee, teas and light fare 209 n. robinson st. mon-thurs 7a.m. - 1a.m. fri 7a.m. - 1a.m. sat 8a.m.- 1a.m. sun 8a.m. - midnite Bring your laptop.

High speed wireless

Sex + The Sexes

In Hindsight . . .

What Not To Say When Meeting the Parents!

Richmond locals give advice after the fact.

DO NOT • • • • •

Pick your nose.

Grab your date’s ass.

Offer Mom or Dad a hit off the bowl.

Chew off your nails at the dinner.

Reminisce the days in the slammer.

NEVER SAY • “I’m a little short, could you spot me a $50?”

• “You’re daughter’s one fine piece of ass.”

• “Dude, I just dropped a mean one in your bathroom.”

• “Are you both into swinging as well?”

• “So, what’s for breakfast?”

THE LOCALS

PICS FROM AROUND RICHMOND

CARS + BOOZE + TECH

REVIEWS + MAKING MOONSHINE

The “Still” Of The Night

by Filthy Apes Emporium of Fun

So you want to be a hillbilly, but don’t have the balls to get into the whole incest thing, well hey, I have the compromise. Let’s make some moonshine; it will help you on the road to hick-dom.

First off a small disclaimer: You should absolutely not do this. Sure it sounds like fun, but the government doesn’t like competition, and if you happen to be an evil bastard and do this and try to sell it or something, then you might be competition.

With that out of the way let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. Moonshine or spirit production is commonly referred to as distilling alcohol. This is an age proven method of refining a common beer/wine type fermented beverage into an “I’ll fuck your ass up in a hurry” beverage. The basic principle of distillation is this, when two separate liquids are combined so too is their boiling temperature. So we want to boil a mixture of water and alcohol (beer/ wine) until as much alcohol has been boiled and condensed off as possible. Sounds great right, well the only problem is that water and alcohol are very miscible, this basically means their chemical properties allow them to mix and “connect” to one another easily. So we only get a distilling efficiency of about 50-95%, and since we’re gonna ghetto hook up this “still”, we will be closer to the lower range. No problem, just drink more right?

Step 1.

Items: Thermometer (not a medical one, a cooking one) - $6.50 1/4”-1/2” Copper Tubing - $3.96-6.15 Hose (cheap clear stuff) in both 1/4” ID and 3/4” ID - $0.54-3.17 2 3/4-3/4 hose connector - $0.93 1 Large cooking pot or pressure cooker with top - $12.99-?

Measuring cup - $4.59 Silicon sealant (non-toxic/ heat-resistant) - ?

Tube connector 1/4” brass (for pot to copper tube connection) - 1.21

Tools: Drill Drill bits Plumbers Brazing Kit (optional) Tube cutter

Step 2.

1.

2.

39

Get your cooking pot, be it a normal one or the super cool pressure cooker, and drill a hole in the top with the 1/8” drill bit (dependant on the size of your copper hose and fittings). This is where the connector goes, so go ahead and screw it in.

Now take the opposite end of the brass tube connector and put the attaching end onto the pipe going into the pot.

Chew On This

o

October 2003

[Ms. Information - “The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.”]

3.

4.

5.

6.

If you have a pressure cooker as your pot you can skip this step, get the smaller ID plastic hose that we bought and cut it down the length to open it up and place it around the edge of the pot to act as a seal.

Take the copper hose and form a coil with the end that was already rolled. Take the other end and unravel it to allow for the “reflux section” of pipe. This is the end coming from the pot.

Take the two 3/4” hose connectors and drill at an angle into the top of them; this is to allow the pipe to pass through and for our hose to wrap around the outside of the copper tubing.

Speaking of which, go ahead and put the 3/4” ID hose around the pipe and the copper hose and connect it to hose connectors. Connect one end of the plastic hose to the faucet, with the other end draining into the sink.

Drill one more hole in the top of the pot/pressure cooker, and insert the thermometer.

Now get out the sealant and go to town on the hose connector, thermometer hole, etc.

Step 3.

The first time you use this thing should be just to get used to it, don’t expect miracles on your first try. So dump some crap beer or wine in there and seal it up. Start the heat and get it boiling, don’t go crazy with the heat because it will boil over. You can put a bit of salt in to raise the boiling temp of the water and also some broken bamboo skewers or the like, to assist in the boiling process (these prevent large bubbles from forming and boiling over). Once you have started the heat, connect your hose to the faucet and get the water flowing across the copper tubing to get it cooled off.

Once the pot has heated up (make sure to watch the thermometer), settle the boil at around medium-medium high, now keep a close watch or you’ll have beer spraying everywhere. After it heats up you will notice that the temperature will settle at about 170 F or so, these are the first elements of your brew getting boiled off. Mostly methanol, this is the shit you don’t want because it is associated with hangovers and the occasional case of blindness, yes I said blindness, so don’t go swigging back the first few ml of fluid. A good rule of thumb is: for every 20 liters of beer you are distilling, throw out 100 ml. I always err on the safe side and toss out a lot (I like to see). This is where I slip in another disclaimer saying don’t try any of this.

Step 4.

Well there you have it, homemade Moonshine. For additional refining you can water it down, add some fruit, and invite the ladies over. Either way pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Yee-Haw!

[Ms. Information - “The word “samba” means “to rub navels together.””]

Chew On This

o

October 2003

40

Cars + Tech

G-Force Karts

by Max Biaggi

For this month’s car review we traveled to the distant lands of Mechanicsville to race go-karts at Virginia’s premiere indoor karting facility, G-Force Karts. Located in an enormous warehouse near the state fairgrounds, this professionally designed 1/4 mile track provided the most fun I’ve ever had in eight minutes. The adult karts feature 6.5HP Honda motors and can supposedly reach speeds up to 40 mph.

Prior to the race a lecture was given about the proper rules and regulations. We were then led to the track and assigned karts. It took some acrobatics to climb into the seat, but once you got strapped in, the kart felt very secure. The steering wheel is situated straight ahead and angled high. The brake is painted red, the gas green.

Within minutes the attendant motioned us out of the gate.

I carefully used my first lap to get accustomed to the handling and power of this mini monster, after that it was on. Flying thru turns, screeching around the hairpin, holding steady on the straight, I felt just like Andretti… although I don’t think Andretti ever got lapped by the Red Rocket. Our times averaged 30 seconds or so, which is apparently not too shabby, and with a bit more practice we could’ve reached times in the low 20’s.

As for the value, I don’t know…$22 for 8 minutes is a bit steep, but when that checkered flag falls, it feels pretty damn well worth it.

41

Chew On This

o

October 2003

[Ms. Information - “Captain Jean-Luc Picard’s fish was named Livingston. ”]

MISCELLANEOUS

TRAINS + PORN

Trains

by Johnny “Loco” Motive

I think I was about three the day I first stepped on a railroad track. It was the 80’s and I was nothing more than a child overwhelmed by the long repetitive tracks that seem to last for miles. I noticed all these enormous strong steel structures. (Say that five times fast). The structures seemed to be holding hands with each other. They were holding hands like how your parents grip you when you cross the street, or when they want to knock you right on your ass for talking smack.

So about a month ago, I was at my padres crib, not doing the usual stuff like stealing food, or seeing what they have to eat, but dropping in to say “wud up!” Looking around I notice there wasn’t a soul in the house. Bored and evil in my own ways, I set out to look if the old man had anything “new” in his collection, if you get my drift. Man I really hate 80’s porn. It blows, literally. Guys with mullets named Tim, chicks who don’t trim and no licking of the rim, who wants that? Looking in the usual spots, I find nothing. I guess my dad is getting a little sneaky in his old age, probably because he’s noticed that I’ve been borrowing or watching his “tapes”.

Turns out he’s been hiding them in the sock drawer. It should have been the first place that I looked.

But with porn on your mind, who could have a straight head? No pun intended. I look through the stack, as I shuffle them like playing cards, “Seen it! Seen it! Seen it! Don’t want to see it, (an 80’s one). Jackpot! Two new videos, “Me So Hungry” and “Bill Blast’s Throbbing Trout”. Something catches my eye as I pop in the tape, a little tin box, with little trees, ornaments, and booties all over it. The kind of tin box that grandma or other people give you over the holidays when they’re too cheap to get you something good. Bastards! I open the box and it’s a whole mess of pictures.

I thumbed through them; it was all baby pictures of my sister and me, ones that I have never seen before. I finally get to one that catches my eye.

It was an old picture of myself as a child. I was wearing an adult hard helmet, and galoshes that went up to my crotch. I mean these rubber boots were bigger than my head. And where on earth did moms get that old orange jacket? This thing was straight from the 70’s or 80’s, it was puffy, orange, and had a blue hood that tapered into a point in the back with blue and white stripes on the arms, making it look like I have permanent floaty devices.

In this picture I’m looking around, scoping the scene, checking out for any activity. I like to think so anyway. Maybe it was just that my dad needed to find a quick place to change me because I was beginning to grow a brown tail. Maybe he was growing a brown tail. All I know is that even at an early age I didn’t hesitate to check out the scene before I crossed the tracks, and I haven’t stopped since.

[Ms. Information - “The most common name in the world is Mohammed.”]

Chew On This

o

October 2003

42

AlleyKatz 10 Walnut Alley • Richmond VA. 23233 804-643-2816

OCTOBER 1- CLEMSNIDE, CALIFONE 2- MN8 presents: EASTMAN, MOYA 3- RAINER MARIA, DENALI, KARMELLA’S GAME 4- “CRY FEST” - CURE VS. THE SMITHS DANCE PARTY w/ DJ’s Steve EP & Mellie Mel 5- PATRICK O’DONNELL, CARMAIG DEFOREST, GARRIN BENFIELD 6- RUN SILENT RUN DEEP, IAMLOVED 7- QUINTRON & MISS PUSSYCAT, XBXRX 8- 90 DAY MEN, CHE ARTHUR (of AtomBombPocketKnife) 9- RADIO 4, THE NATURAL HISTORY, TUOHY 10- ELECTRIC FRANKENSTEIN, GOLD BLADE, ASSROCKERS 10- QUEERCORE DC: DC’s only queer punk dance night 11- MOUSETRAP: DC’s brit-pop dance night 12- FILO BETTO, FASHION DESIGN 13- BEULAH, JOHN VANDERSLICE, MATT SUGGS 14 - CALEXICO, THE FRAMES 15- PRETTY GIRLS MAKE GRAVES, COBRA HIGH, JR EWING 16- HOLLY GO LIGHTLY, KO & THE KNOCKOUTS 17- THE FIRE THEFT (Feat. members of Sunny Day Real Estate), LA GUARDIA 18- SUPERCHUNK, ARMY OF ME, THE ROSE BUDS 18- BLISS: indie pop dance night 19- BRIAN JONESTOWN MASSACRE, THE HIGH STRUNG 20- DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE, MATES OF STATE 21- JOSH ROUSE, LEONA NAESS 22- MOTHERTONGUE: women’s spoken word 5TH ANNIVERSARY SHOW 23- KILLING JOKE, AMEN 24- THE WEAKERTHANS, MARITIME (ex-Promise Ring, Dismemberment Plan), MICO 24- GIRL FRIDAY: First Ladies DJ Collective dance night 25- MN8 presents: W. ELLINGTON FELTON (cd release), MARLON SAUNDERS (ex-Jazzhole) 25- CONFUSION DANCE NIGHT 26- AN ALBATROSS, A DAY IN BLACK AND WHITE 28- THE DECEMBERISTS, THE JOGGERS 29- ELECTRIC 6, JUNIOR SENIOR, SOFT COMPLEX 30- COUGARS, THE FIELD MACHINE 31- THE PHOBES (cd release), THE WHIPS, WASHINGTON SOCIAL CLUB 31- RIGHT ROUND: 80s British alt-pop w/ DJ Lil’ E

OCTOBER 2-LOOP REUNION W/ McLAWS DRIVE 3-ALL AGE EARLY SHOW 5-9 WITH ANN BERETTA (CD RELEASE), DAVE SMALLY of (down by law & dagnasty), NEW MEXICAN DISASTER SQUAD, CRUISER WEIGHT 4-TWO SHOWS: 6-9PM EARLY ALL AGES WITH KI:THEORY, GAMESHOW HERO, CONSHAFTER AND 10-2AM 18 & UP W/ KI:THEORY, RECOVERY, AND AGENTS OF THE SUN 5-NETWORKS: OPEN MIC NIGHT, DJ BATTLE 7-NVA LIVE 9-GIVE UP THE GHOST W/THE HOPE CONSPIRACY, DAUGHTERS, THE BLED 10-NORTH MISSISSIPPI ALLSTARS W/ SPECIAL GUEST 11-TWO SHOWS AN ALL AGE EARLY SHOW 6-9PM WITH RIVER CITY HIGH AND SPECIAL GUESTS FOLLOWED BY A LATE SHOW 10-2AM WITH BROWN COUCH AND SPECIAL GUEST 12-NETWORKS: OPEN MIC NIGHT, DJ BATTLE 14-BLACK KEYS W/ THE MAGIC MAGICIANS - DOORS 8:00PM 17-SUPERCHUNK W/ SPECIAL GUEST 19-TWO SHOWS AN ALL AGE EARLY SHOW 6-10PM WITH BLOODY CRACKDOWN, THE GOONS, AND SPECIAL GUESTS FOLLOWED BY A LATE SHOW 10:30-2AM NETWORKS: OPEN MIC NIGHT, DJ BATTLE 20-DIXIE WITCH, HONKY W/ SPECIAL GUESTS 21-FROM AUTUMN TO ASHES W/ CAVE IN, EVERYTIME I DIE, PRIZE FIGHTER - ALL AGE SHOW 7-11PM 22-DENALI W/ SPECIAL GUESTS 24-SAINT DIABLO 25-GREGOR SAMSA, SILENT TYPE, AND RENEE HEARTFELT 26-TWO SHOWS AN ALL AGE EARLY SHOW 6-10PM WITH STRAYLIGHT RUN, THE NEW AMSTERDAMS, THE EXIT, ADARA FOLLOWED BY A LATE SHOW 10:30-2AM - NETWORKS: OPEN MIC NIGHT, DJ BATTLE 31-HALLOWEEN WITH BIO RITMO W/ SPECIAL GUESTS

Bogart’s Back Room 203 North Lombardy St. Richmond, VA 23220 804-353-9280 Back Room doors open at 8:30pm Band Starts at 9pm

Oct. 3 Pat Green w/Honey Brown Oct. 4 Staind w/Sevendust & Lo – Pro Oct. 5 Vertical Horizon w/Matthew Ryan Oct. 9 Dropkick Murphy’s w/ Casualties & Roger Miret & The Disasters Oct. 11 Burning Spear with a special guest Oct. 13 Michelle Branch w/ Dakona Oct. 16 Kirk Franklin w/ Toby Mac & Souljahz Oct. 17 Yellowcard w/ Andrew WK & Unabombers Oct. 19 REO Speedwagon with a Special Guest Oct. 21 Marc Cohn w/ Shane Fontayne Oct. 24 Sizzla with a special guest Oct. 25 Girlz Garage: Lillix, Northern State, The Peak Show, Brassy and The Start Oct. 27 Bouncing Souls w/ Strike Anywhere & Tsunami Bomb Oct. 29 Static – X w/ Soil, Skrape & Twisted Method Oct. 30 Queensryche w/ Echo 7

OCTOBER 1 - Jarrod Smith (jazz duo, rock & rhythm) 2 - Kelli Strawbridge Quartet (jazz) 3 - Daydream (bluegrass, jazz, contemporary rock) 5 - Stone’s Stew (jazz) 6 - Devil’s Workshop Big Band 7 - Scott Burton Quartet (jazz) 8 - The Switch (jazz) 9 - Darius Jones’ TRICK 10 - Sambaiosis (Brazilian jazz) 11 - Joe Scott Trio (jazz) 13 - Devil’s Workshop Big Band 14 - Taylor Barnett Group (jazz) 15 - Darius Jones’ TRICK

16 - Daydream (bluegrass, jazz, contemporary rock) 17 - JAD Trio (jazz) 18 - Pennyshaker (funk, rock) 20 - Devil’s Workshop Big Band 21 - Scott Burton Quartet (jazz) 22 - Terri Murphy Band (jazz) 23 - Stone’s Stew (jazz) 24 - Sambaiosis (Brazilian Jazz) 25 - Moossa (formerly the John Moossa Band) (jazz, reggae, blues) 27 - Devil’s Workshop Big Band 28 - The Switch (jazz) 29 - Josh Walker Quartet (jazz) 30 - Pennyshaker (funk, rock) 31 - Joe Scott Band (jazz)

Show Venues Alley Katz 10 Walnut Alley • 643-2816 http://alleykatz99.tripod.com Nanci Raygun 929 W. Grace St. • 353.4263 www.nanciraygun.com 10/01 10/02 10/03 10/04 10/05 10/06 10/07 10/08 10/09 10/10 10/11 10/12 10/13 10/14 10/17 10/17 10/18 10/19 10/20 10/21 10/22 10/23 10/24 10/24 10/25 10/26 10/27 10/28 10/29 10/30

Toots & The Maytals w/ Jah Works Grandaddy w/ Super Furry Animals & Home Built to Spill w/ Solace Brothers & The Delusions Built to Spill w/ Solace Brothers & The Delusions Pat Green w/ Honeybrowne Howie Day w/ Jump, Little Children & Charlotte Martin Supergrass w/ The 22’s All-American Rejects & Hoobastank w/ Ozomatli & Diffuser Yo La Tengo w/ Sun Ra Arkestra & The Aislers Set Hot Hot Heat w/ French Kicks & Ima Robot Steve Winwood w/ North Mississippi Allstars Cowboy Mouth & Cracker Jonathan Richman featuring Tommy Larkins Michelle Branch w/ Pat McGee Band & Dakona Switchfoot w/ Bleu & Sleeping At Last Bob Schneider Interpol w/ Elefant & The Occasion Fuel w/ Smile Empty Soul The Mars Volta Queensryche w/ Echo 7 Kirk Franklin & TobyMac Travis w/ Rooney Maroon 5 w/ Gavin DeGraw & Marc Broussard Robert Randolph & The Family Band Marilyn Manson w/ S.T.U.N. Soulive featuring Ivan Neville w/ Me’Shell Ndegeocello Monty Python’s ERIC IDLE Belle & Sebastian Gotan Project Brand New w/ Hot Rod Circuit & Eisley

McCormack’s Irish Pub 12 N. 18th Street • 648.1003 http://www.mccormacksirishpub.com Emilio’s Tapas Bar 1847 W. Broad St. • 359-1224 Boulevard Deli 5218 West Broad St. • 282-9333 The Canal Club 1545 E. Cary St. • 643-2582 http://www.thecanalclub.com OUT OF TOWN Black Cat 1811 14th St. NW DC • 202-667-7960 www.blackcatdc.com 9:30 Club 815 V St. NW DC • 202-3-930-930 www.930.com The Nation 1015 Half St. SE DC • 202-554-1500 www.primacycompanies.com/nation/ The Norva 317 Monticello Ave. • Norfolk, VA 757-627-4500 • www.thenorva.com The Boathouse 119 Park Ave. • Norfolk, VA 757-625-1445 • www.cellardoor.com/boat Hooplas 5760 N. Hampton Blvd. • VA Beach, VA 757-460-2100 • www.hooplas.com

929 W. Grace St. • 353-4263 www.nanciraygun.com 10/1 10/4 10/7 10/9 10/10 10/11 10/12 10/14 10/16 10/17 10/19 10/20 10/21 10/23 10/25

pole, tba- 9pm hidden in plain view (drive-thru records), good will, hindsight 20/20, the makeover- 5pm - choke chain, tba- 10pm we are childhood equals, the roosevelts (tn), the chase theory (tn)- 5pm richmatic- 10pm the walkmen, earlimart, you are the drum- 18+, 9pm girlush figure, bantam (members of the luna chicks), tba- 5pm - mr lif- 18+, 10pm carissa’s wIErd, the 6 part 7, tba- 5pm pretty girls make graves, cobra high, the vececs, bravo maxi- all ages, 7pm richmatic- 18+, 10pm pash, tba- 5pm finfangfoom, paper lions, lot six- 5pm enon, irving, i am the world trade center the thermals, tba- 5pm - choke chain, the voodoo organist (ca), the necrotones (tx), tba- 10pm richmatic- 18+, 10pm i am spoonbender, the swords project, gregor samsa- 18+, 9pm

Peabodys 209 21th St. • VA Beach, VA 757-422-6212 www.peabodysvirginiabeach.com Tokyo Rose 2171 Ivy Rd • Charlottesville, VA 804-295-ROSE http://members.tripod.com/~sushirock/ Jaxx 6355 Rolling Rd. • West Springfield, VA 703-569-5940 • www.jaxxroxx.com The Ottobar 2549 N. Howard St. • Baltimore, MD 410-662-0069 • www.theottobar.com The Sidebar 218 E. Lexington St. • Baltimore, MD 410-659-4130 • www.sidebartavern.com

Brunch

Weekly Stuff

The Border Chophouse and Bar Cafe Diem

Mon

Devil’s Workshop - Bogart’s Information Technology - Chopstix Sushi Heaven - Sticky Rice Open-Mic Night - Cafe Diem

Tues

Bootscooter - Babes DJ Williams - Cafe Diem Modern Groove Syndicate - Cary St. Cafe Pat O’Brien - Easy Street Havana Sons - Emilio’s Terry Murphy Trio - Hard Shell

Wed

Special Ed & the Short Bus - Cary St. Cafe Hump Day - Corner Cafe 9:55 Club Comedy Show - Chugger’s Stars of the Millennium - Halo Princess Complex - Rare Olde Times

Thurs

Wax Museum - Nanci Raygun MC Showcase - Chopstix Open-mic night - Crossroads Deep House Music - Emilio’s Hip Hop House Party - Richbrau Frequency Party - Sauce Steve Mabry - Taphouse

Fri

Mikemetic - Hardshell DJ Rick Danger - Cosmpolitan Cheers - Browns Island DJ Will and Kjell - Europa The Reflex - Godfrey’s [1st & 3rd Fri only] ComedySportz Improv - Comedy Alley Stand-up Comedians - Comedy Zone Friday Night House Music - Sauce

Sat

Mikemetic - Hardshell Martini Lounge - Thai Room DJ Rick Danger - Cosmpolitan DJ Will and Kjell - Europa Andy, Cindy and Thensome - Rare Olde Times Paul Walton & Tommy Clark - Taphouse

Sun

Dragshow - Babe’s [1st sunday only] Neighbor’s Appreciation - Corner Cafe S.I.N. Night - Richbrau Piedmont Souprize - Southern Culture

The Corner Cafe Easy Street Cafe The Hill Cafe Joe’s Inn Metro Grill Millie’s Sidewalk Cafe Southern Culture Strawberry Street Cafe

Late Night 3rd Street Diner 4th Street Cafe Bandito’s Capital Ale House Cafe Diem Easy Street Cafe Joe’s Inn Sidewalk Cafe Star-lite

Karaoke!

Mon - Emilio’s, Penny Lane, Potter’s Pub, Shenanigans Tues - Sticky Rice, Caddy’s Wed - Bandito’s, Babe’s, Bottom Line, Caddy’s, Shamrock Pub, Theresa’s Italian Villa Thurs - Chuggers, Bottoms Up, Brandermill Inn, Caddy’s, Sideline Cafe, Theresa’s Italian Villa, Visions Dance Club Fri - Daddio’s Grille, Shamrock Pub Sat - Break Time Sports Bar Sun - Break Time Sports Bar, Caddy’s

45

Chew On This

o

October 2003

[Ms. Information - “There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.”]

Listings

The List.

3rd Street Diner 218 East Main Street • 788-4750

Comedy Club 109 S. 12th St. • 643-5653

Mulligan’s in the Fan 1323 W. Main St. • 353-8686

4th Street Cafe 9 North 4th Street • 648-2838

The Comedy Zone 6233 Staplesmill Rd. • 262-9652

McCormacks Irish Pub 12 N. 18th Street • 648-1003 http://www.mccormacksirishpub.com

After Six 1708 E. Main St. • 780-2344 Avalon 2619 W. Main St. • 353-9709 Babes 3166 W. Cary St. • 355-9330 Baja Bean Co. 1520 W. Main St. • 257-5445 Bandito’s 2905 Patterson Ave. • 354-9999 www.banditosburritolounge.com Barcode 6 E. Grace St. • 648-2040 Bogart’s Back Room 203 N. Lombardy St. • 353-9280 Bottom Line 1814 E. Main St. • 644-5944 Bottoms Up Pizza 1700 Dock St. • 644-4400 Breakers 9127 W. Broad St. • 270-1461 Brown’s Island S. 7th St. • 643.2826 The Border Chophouse and Bar 1501 W. Main St. • 355-2907 Buddy’s Place 325 N. Robinson St. • 355-3701 www.buddysplace.net Buffalo Wild Wings 7801 W. Broad St. • 672-8732 The Corner Cafe 800 N. Cleveland • 355-1954 Catch 22 1718 E. Main St. • 343-1560 Cafe Diem 600 N. Sheppard St. • 353-2500 The Canal Club 1545 E. Cary St. • 643-2582 Cary Street Cafe 2631 W. Cary St. • 353-7445 Chopstix 3129 W. Cary St. • 358-7027 Comedy Alley 7115 Staples Mill Rd. • 266-9377

Commercial Taphouse 111 N. Robinson St. • 359-6544 Crossroads 217 W. Cary St. • 643-2060 Curbside Cafe 2525 W. Hanover St. • 355-7008 Chuggers 900 W. Franklin St. • 353-8191 Cosmopolitan 3156 W. Cary St. • 355-5527 Capital Ale House 623 E. Main St. • 643-2537 The Doghouse 1719 E. Main St. • 644-3004 Easy Street Cafe 2401 W. Main St. • 355-1198 Europa 1409 E. Cary St. • 643-0911 www.europarichmond.com

Mamma ‘Zu 501 S. Pine St. • 788-4205 The Nanci Raygun 929 W. Grace St. • 353-4263 O’Briensteins 1548 E. Main St. • 648-6271 Out of Bounds 2701 W. Broad St. • 355-7390 Penny Lane Pub 207 N. 7th Street • 780-1682 Poe’s Pub 2706 E. Main St. • 500-7856 Rare Old Times 10602 Patterson Ave. • 750-1346 Richbrau Brewing Company 1214 E. Cary St. • 644-3018 Richie’s Pacific Grill 1847 W. Broad St. • 359-1224

Godfrey’s 308 E. Grace St. • 648-3957

Sauce at the Pizza Place 1727 E. Main St. • 343-1300

Halo 119 N. 18th St. • 783-2608

Secrets in the City 2001 E. Franklin St. • 343-1617

Have a Nice Day Cafe 11 S. 18th St. • 771-1700

Sidewalk 2101 W. Main St. • 358-0645

Hard Shell Cafe 1411 E. Cary St. • 643-2333

Sine Irish Pub 1327 E. Cary St. • 649-7767

Hill Cafe 2800 E. Broad St. • 648-0360 www.thehillcafe.com

Southern Culture 2229 W. Main St. • 355-6939

Ipanema 917 W. Grace • 213-0170 Joe’s Inn 205 N. Shields Ave. • 355-2282

Strawberry Street Cafe 421 N. Strawberry St. • 353-6860 Sticky Rice 2232 W. Main St. • 358.7870

Legend Brewery 321 W. Seventh St. • 232-8871

Star-Lite 2600 W. Main St. • 254-2667 www.starlitediningandlounge.com

Main Street Beer Company 1911 W. Main St. • 358-9620

Tiki Bob’s Cantina 110 N. 18th St. • 644-9091

Metro Grill 301 N. Robinson St. • 353-4453

The Tobacco Company 1201 E. Cary St. • 782-9555

Millie’s 2603 E. Main St. • 643-5512

Tonic 14 North 18th St. • 648-4300

Mojo’s 733 Cary St. • 355-7372

Wildcats 9 North 17th Street

HALLOWEEN

TRICKS, TREATS + RESOURCEs

Costumes Made Cheap.

Mummy Wrap yourself in white bandages (rolls of gauze). Use splotches of green paint for “mold”. Use white make-up on face with “age lines” drawn on. The stiff-legged gait works perfectly.

Fairy princess What you’ll need: Two large white trash bags, masking tape, white paper or fabric, white yarn, tracing paper, silver or gold paper, thick white craft paper. Cut a round neck opening in the bottom of one bag. Slit it in the back to fit over the head.

Slit open the sides of the bag. Overlap the sides to form seams and tape on inner sides creating sleeves in the process. Cut a scalloped edge around the open end of the bag. Cut a collar from white paper or fabric. Punch corresponding holes in the front yoke and lace with yarn. Trace the star pattern and cut it out.

Robot Costume Use a cardboard box with holes for arms and a smaller cardboard box for the head.

Pie plates can be glued to the front of the small box. Cut holes in the pie plates so the youcan see. Use light sticks or silver pipe cleaners for the antennas. Cover arms and legs with aluminum foil. Keep the foil in place by using a few small safety pins.Cover the boxes with aluminum foil or paint them using silver paint.

Pirate costume What you’ll need: Old black jeans/jogging bottoms, striped shirt, scraps of fabric, cardboard and aluminium foil for sword, eyepatch, bandanna, face paint. Take an old pair of black jeans or jogging bottoms and cut off just below the knee, leaving jagged points. Cut sleeve edges and bottom of a striped shirt (any colors will do, but red and white are more authentic) into jagged points. Cut a few holes in the shirt, and layer it over any color sweatshirt for chilly weather. Add colorful strips of scrap fabric for belt and/or sash. Stick a plastic sword in the belt (or cut one out of cardboard and cover with foil).

47

Chew On This

o

October 2003

[Ms. Information - “Canada is an Indian word meaning “Big Village”]

Costume Shops Premiere Costumes 3339 W. Cary St. • 355-3887 The Costume Shop 1503 Bellevue Ave. • 421-7361 Period Costumes 3970 Falstone Rd. • 271-6499 Faery Tree Cottage Costume 7027 Three Chopt Rd. • 282-3420

Static Cling Wear anything, a solid color is good, especially all white or all black. With safety pins, pin anything to yourself, i.e. socks, underware, bounce sheets, etc.

You can also spray your hair straight up in the air.

Homemade Face Make Up You will need: 1 tsp cornstarch, 1/2 tsp water, 1/2 tsp cold cream, and food coloring. Stir together starch and cold cream until well blended. Add water and stir, then add food coloring. Wash your face and any area that you will be applying the makeup to. Dry thoroughly. Use fingertips to spread onto large areas. Use a small paint brush to paint designs on face.

Homemade Blood You will need: 1/2 bottle of light corn syrup, very hot water, squirt of liquid soap, red food coloring, and blue or green food coloring (optional) Pour light corn syrup into a bowl and add hot water sparingly, adding and stirring until you have the right consistency. Add a squirt of liquid soap to make the blood easy to clean off later. Tint with red food coloring. You may add a drop of blue or green if you like to make the blood a darker color.

Taboo Lingerie 6021 West Broad St. • 440-8228 www.taboolicious.com Halloween Express 10050 Midlothian Turnpike Party City 9130 W. Broad St. • 346-8600

Halloween Happenings Creepy Hollow Hayride 752-6992 $10 per person October 10, 11, 17, 18, 19, 23, 24, 25, 26, 29, 30, 31 November 1 Directions Creepy Hollow is 6 miles west of I-295 just off Staples Mill Road (rt. 33). Turn left onto Stone Horse Creek Road (Rt 670), Creepy Hollow is about 1/2 mile on your left.

Ashland Berry Farms 227-3601 Ext. 3 $8.00 per person Opening Friday Oct. 10th Oct.29 through Nov. 1.

Homemade Bruises You will need: Blue powder eyeshadow, charcoal or smoke gray powder eyeshadow, shimmery green powder eyeshadow, and a make-up brush. Using a blot of blue powder eye shadow, apply with a wet make-up brush. Use your fingertips to add blots of charcoal gray and blue shadows. Touch up the edges with a shimmery olive green. Smudge the bruise to complete.

[Ms. Information - “Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.”]

Directions Take 95 North to Exit 92 B (Ashland Exit). Go to the third stop light and turn right onto Route 1. Go 4.3 miles and turn left (at the blinking yellow lights) onto Old Ridge Road. Go 4.3 miles and turn left into the Ashland Berry Farm

Chew On This

o

October 2003

48

HALLOWEEN

TRICKS, TREATS + RESOURCE

The Pumpkin Cut

Photocopy these designs and resize them to fit your pumpkin. Now.

49

Chew On This

o

October 2003

[Ms. Information - “Butterflies taste with their feet.”]

Hollywood is Dead.

Hollywood Cemetery is a privately owned cemetery established in 1847 and is located at 412 S. Cherry St. The cemetery is located upon a hill on the banks of the James River, overlooking Richmond. It is the final resting place of two U.S. presidents, James Monroe and John Tyler, as well as the president of the confederacy, Jefferson Davis. Over 18,000 Confederate Soldiers are interred here. But the beauty of this cemetery masks a darker side. This site is boiling over with paranormal activity.

There are a lot of local legends surrounding the statues on the cemetery grounds. The statues have been known to take on a life of their own. One legend surrounds a cast iron statue of a dog on a child’s gravesite. The cast iron dog used to sit out in front of a general store in Church Hill. A little girl used to visit the store with her father weekly and always petted and talked to the dog while her father did business inside. The young girl soon after died of scarlet fever. This dog is said to guard her grave, and comes to life to chase people from her gravesite. It has also been known to move on occasion. Many people have reported seeing it pointed in one direction and then moments later, pointed in another.

Other statues are also known to come to life. One in particular is the statue of a mourner, mounted on the top of a tomb. On a certain day each year, the anniversary of her husband’s death, she is said to look up at onlookers, with tears in her eyes. She then resumes the position she was in.

Hollywood Cemetery is also the home of a vampire according to local legend. The tomb of the vampire reads W.W. Pool. Mr. William Wortham Pool was an accountant who died in the early 1920’s. Apparently his eternal rest hasn’t been that restful, since someone has been seen leaving and entering the tomb many times over the years. The figure has been described as being partially decomposed, with rolls of tattered skin hanging limply from his muscular frame, having large sharp jagged teeth, and fresh blood around his mouth and chin. The tomb is very popular with satanic groups in the Richmond area, who sneak into the cemetery at night to practice their rituals. The most popular nights for their visits are on equinoxes and Halloween.

For more information about local spooks, join virginiaghosts.com.

KNOW YOUR LOCALS

MEETING THE PEOPLE THAT LIVE HERE

Bill

Steven

Age: 45

Age: 26

Birthplace: Here in Richmond

Birthplace: St. Marys at 8a.m. on 7-18-1977

Have you always been here? No I was gone ten years with marriage and the military. I was stationed in Korea and Texas.

Musical taste? Un-pop/over-the-top-40

What is your reason for staying here? It’s home to me and it holds a little bit of everything to me.

I heard you play in a band? It’s called Twang Daddy and we play Boulevard Deli but we are the laziest band in America.

What are the influences? Steve Earl and Hank Williams What would you do to improve Richmond? I want a city wide mayor. It might not be the most popular opinion but I think what’s going on is embarrassing.

Favorite drinking spots? Corner Cafe and my house

51

Chew On This

o

October 2003

What is the reason for moving to Richmond? I moved to the fan as a getaway from the west end, and as a getaway with my friends.

Thoughts about the Canal Walk? The canal walk is pretty neat, while you wait for your your slice of Bottoms Up pizza, you have enough time to walk almost the entire canal walk. And it’s chocked full of history, so you might learn something too.

Where do you go to relax? I go home to relax, always.

Do you consider yourself an approachable and nice person? I’m approachable but more than likely won’t approach you, unless the drink lets me. I’m not really a bastard like people say I am, am I? When out partying, what are your top 5 drinking holes? Eric’s house, Dana’s house, my house, Jon’s house and Sticky Rice

[Ms. Information - “Some lions mate over 50 times a day.”]

performing oct 25th at McCORMACK’S

Packaged Goods II – Freak and Food Fashion Show benefiting the Central Virginia Food Bank Saturday, October 18, 2003 Fielden’s • 2033 West Broad St It’s more of an anti-fashion show. Packaged Goods II – Freak and Food is not what you expect. Guest hosted by Hedwig (Kirk Lawrence for last season’s production of Hedwig and the Angry Inch at the Firehouse Theater); the show features members of local bands strutting their stuff to their own music. It’s raw and unrehearsed. Anything can happen. Especially when your favorite bartenders come out from behind the bar and take center stage on the catwalk. Freak and Food is dirty, gritty and the most fun you’ll have helping out a local charity. Featured retailers include local independents Exile, Urban Artifacts, Taboo and Stark Raving Mad (formerly The Asylum). Doors open at 8:00 PM and admission is $5.00 plus 5 cans of non-perishable goods with 100% of the earnings benefiting the CVFB. Preferred seating is available on a first-come, first-serve basis for $10.00 + 10 cans. You must be 21 years or older to attend the show. Call 202667-8595 for more information.

[Ms. Information - “The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.”]

Chew On This

o

October 2003

52

ex friends food outkast alcohol roommates road trips girls powerbooks music anal ealousy depravity libations knowledge dastardly deeds glassjaw turkey meatloaf 4th treet puddinheads family sticky joes final cut pro porn love crushes me dogs cats piders clowns boxes light power strength itunes shoes feet hands gloves fingers hainsaws bars shots junkies books truda clean laundry sleazy bitches planets vds powerpuff girls safari legs asses tits processors trask local rennies citgo 711 women skateboards speakers drawers vcrs rocco suicide girls barbie dolls plungers oilet paper showers water leos sight vision girth lube fonts passion honesty loyalty edication motivation falling needing moving talking kissing humping loving touching queezing journey milk laughter diaries rednal babies kids thigh highs sheep money upac tupac tupac platform shoes the 80s halloween top flight security craig carrie attoos piercings scars hair butu not too much chocolate snickers vibrators the trainer ink lips starbucks coffee teeth dentures bananas peaches japanese steak houses weat sharpies compromises promises lies jeebus satan the simpsons seinfeld outhpark the sopranos gangster movies knives pinup girls leopard print skull and rossbones pirates johnny depp calcuators hentai justins hyena laugh the sound f music engineers motors mechanics doctors drummers groupies jager southern omfort cum websters slang ebonics customers chalk graphics designers booze oobs cutthroats callbacks reach arounds ears style punchline times dispatch wadi ex friends food outkast alcohol roommates road trips girls powerbooks music anal ealousy depravity libations knowledge dastardly deeds glassjaw turkey meatloaf 4th treet puddinheads family sticky joes final cut pro porn love crushes me dogs cats piders clowns boxes light power strength itunes shoes feet hands gloves fingers hainsaws bars shots junkies books truda clean laundry sleazy bitches planets vds powerpuff girls safari legs asses tits processors trask local rennies citgo 711 women skateboards speakers drawers vcrs rocco suicide girls barbie dolls plungers oilet paper showers water leos sight vision girth lube fonts passion honesty loyalty edication motivation falling needing moving talking kissing humping loving touching queezing journey milk laughter diaries rednal babies kids thigh highs sheep money upac tupac tupac platform shoes the 80s halloween top flight security craig carrie attoos piercings scars hair butu not too much chocolate snickers vibrators the trainer ink lips starbucks coffee teeth dentures bananas peaches japanese steak houses weat sharpies compromises promises lies jeebus satan the simpsons seinfeld outhpark the sopranos gangster movies knives pinup girls leopard print skull and rossbones pirates johnny depp calcuators hentai justins hyena laugh the sound f music engineers motors mechanics doctors drummers groupies jager southern omfort cum websters slang ebonics customers chalk graphics designers booze oobs cutthroats callbacks reach arounds ears style punchline times dispatch wadi attoos piercings scars hair butu not too much chocolate snickers vibrators the toile

coming in november

Authorized Reseller

Introducing the Power Mac G5.

The world’s first 64-bit personal computer.

*Hurricane Special* Is your Mac running at Peak Performance?

Tune-up and Diagnostic at Half Price with this ad. Optimization of Hard Drives, RAM check,andaDirectoryCheck-upforonly$49.