Light in a Dark World
B. Collins
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people who are at risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives. Since January 2017, ConTextos has collaborated with the Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Division X of Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narrative about violence and peace-building, and help author a hopeful future for these men, their families, and our collective communities. While each memoir's text is solely the work of the Author, the images used to create this book's illustrations have been sourced from various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering, and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into fully illustrated books. In collaboration with
Light in a Dark World B. Collins
I can remember it like it was yesterday, when I first came home from doing a three year bid.
I was nervous, and excited at the same time. What’s going on? Who will I see? How am I
going to make it now that I am out?
I made it to the block and it was like I never left. My boys were on the block doing them, and were so happy to see me. So here I am, out and on the block. I’m not up to
anything, just feeling out my surroundings, to get back to the flow of things. And my boys like,”What you doing?” I’m like,”We bout to post- up.” And they like,”Naw bruh, we don’t hang out on the block no more. We play the “cut” and the “Phones” now.” I’m like,”Huh? Y’all tripping.” And they like,”Nawl you tripping. It’s too hot fa that.” So I had to readjust to the new way of things in the hood…
Later that day, I went to my people's crib to let them know that I was home, and to see how they were doing? And I was nervous because I’m what you’ll call a black sheep in
the family. I’m the only one who goes to jail at all, everyone else is not like me. They’re no angels but they are nowhere near me, you feel me. And it’s funny because every time I go on vacation as I like to call it, my family knows( because when I’m in my addiction to the streets, they know that I don’t come around as much.) So when that happens,
my cousins know to check I.D.O.C.com or C.C.D.O.C. to see if I’m locked back up shit crazy but it’s life.
The hard part about going to see my family is when everyone is there, and are asking me what am I gon do now that I’m out? I’m thinking,”Get some pussy, and run it up.” But I can’t tell them that, so I say,”I’m going to do right and stay out of trouble,” but I know damn well I already have my mind set on doing wrong. Now, everyone branches off into the house.
Now that I’ve gone into the house, I thought about it,”Shit, I’ve been tricked.” I think to myself that, “I should’ve seen this coming…An intervention just for me.”
You see I was one of those of kids who had an alright upbringing, we weren’t rich, but we weren’t down and out either. I grew up in a Christian household at my grandparents house.
Oh yeah, this is how I ended up at my Grandparents house. I had become tired of moving from home to home with my mother, and sister (the white girl). I was tired of my mother embarrassing me because her and her friends were always focused on spending time and money with my sister (the white girl) so I called the only phone number I knew, my grandmother, and told them that I have not seen my mom in 3 days. I was lying.
And my Grandparents popped up on my mom, and convinced her to let me go with them. I was one of those granny boys. I was like my grandma’s personal security. Anywhere she went, I went. (Bank, church, doctor’s office, grocery store, etc.)
My grandparents tried to lead me on the right track, but you know how boys are in Chicago. If I wasn’t playing sports, I found all kinds of mischief to get into, from block
fights to raiding liquor stores to stealing cars. (I never stole one, but I always got my turn to drive.) I remember a few times when I went in the house tipsy, and fell down the stairs and through the wall at the bottom of the stairs. (Granny be like,”You okay?” I be like, ”Yeah.”)
I ended up graduating from grammar school, and then went on to high school, and it was bussing. This bitch was a fashion show, and I only got 5 outfits. Remember, I just came from seeing little girls, some who still smell like pee to seeing teenagers who could pass for someone's mother, or father.
But I loved it, and started to fit right in. Especially, after my name started to pop-up in the newspaper as new players to watch for. But I still had one problem, my small wardrobe. Soon that all would change.
One day at G so I rann wen y's h t to i ouse the s n q uire ,Iw tove abou as w . atch t the ing T nois .V. a e, an nd h dIs eard een som my g e no rand ise in fathe the k r rele itche asin g gra n, nny by
They both turn, and seen me. Granny says,”I’m okay, go sit down.” I don’t respond. Grandad says,”Get out of here.” I say,”Fuck you, do that shit again.”
Grandad tried to move me, but I’m not the same grandson any more, I used some of the techniques I learned at football practice. Grandad was stunned. He looked at my granny, and said,”Mary, you better get him before I kill him.” “You ain’t gon do nothing.” I say to grandad.
It’s safe to say you know what happened. Yup, I was off back to my moms house.
Granddad didn’t know that one day my uncle had come over to the house, and showed me where all the guns in the house were, and how to use them. Back then, I was in 6th or 7th grade, now at the time I was on my way to sophomore year in high school.
than her, things were different. I was older last mot my with in k bac ed mov I that now It’s crazy grade, and now I’m in 10th grade, the time I lived with my mother. I was in 4th Now I had my own room and key I was back and didn’t know what to expect. se, as long as my mother knew or to the crib. I could come and go as I plea thought she knew where I was.
first, I was were still focused on my (white sister). At As you know my mother and her friends friends for that reason, but I did and noticed my embarrassed to bring company to the crib a lot of my see things like that. I soon found out that acted like it was nothing new to them to who tend to favor the (white girl) in their friends had parents, or aunts and uncles world.
As time went by, me and granddad got back cool, but I wasn’t going back, I had a little taste of freedom and I liked it. (You know going from rules to basically no rules, that decision was a no brainer to me.)
School was going good for me socially, but not academically. My first two years of high school was spent chasing the wrong shit. I excelled at sports, but wasn’t focused on the right things. My wardrobe was up to part because some of the guys that lived in the same P.J’s as me would look out for me when they went shopping for themselves, so I
was grateful for them.(Those guys were in high school selling drugs like it was crazy, and had a lot of money.)
Back at school, I was chasing tail and parties, the next thing I know I was on the kickout list. The only thing that saved me was I was good at football, and was spared. Dunbar was a football school. Going into my sophomore year, I had to go to summer school for the second time in my life for biology.
passed. That damn night, I caught a pole I was blew, but I did what I had to do and cuz into the station. case. Thirsty ass dick-boys took me, and
I was trying to figure out how I go from passing summer school to juvenile
detention center in the same day (Goofy shit), and I’m not realizing that I’m not the size of the average 15 year old.
The Dicks steady talking about,”You’re not 15.” “Bitch, you lookin at my I.D.” I was not going home! But cuz on the other hand was on his way home that night. I was told that when our people came to pick us up, he came down stairs in the police station smiling, while making his two hands into pistols, talking bout “Pow,pow,pow,pow.” Our people were shaking their heads, and wondering,”Where was Brandon?” The Detective said, ”Brandon’s not coming down, he had this,” and held up a gun for them to look at.
So I spent a lot of my time that summer in juvie, but my time was spent well
had a few fights, those were nothing. I hated the nickname that the officers
The Green Mile.”
in there. I
called me:
It’s not my fault that I was a big kid. One of the officers noticed my name from the newspaper. Those guys started showing me favor, then I had a chance to still workout with weights in there, so my whole summer wasn’t wasted.
I had good support on that case (Grandma, Coach Johnson ex running back/kick
returner in NFL, Coach Larry C.P.D, Coach IceCold C.F.D, Coach Smitty, C.F.D, and
Coach Nightmare Paramedic/ Graphic Design instructor).
I eventually beat the case because the Judge ate the detectives up on the stand. First
she told them, “It’s impossible to see a handgun in a person's hand from 1000 yards
away at night, Then the detectives were from 34th and Lowe, and were out of their
jurisdiction, and all types of other stuff, case dismissed. So after that, I went home after
that fiasco was over.
ne. (I nd was go a b st arre se hou the es seen that I felt good, especially when my teammat ball in a house arrest band.) think they felt strange about me playing
After that things were smooth. I stayed focused on ball and my grades. Me and the
grandparents were good. Me and my Mom was off and on, but things were never bad,
because I always had favor from the Lord. He showed me favor through others even
when I was ready to drop out of high school. My senior year God used all types of
people to encourage me and show me all the positive things inside of me and to share
that with others.
I mean from pastors to drug
right.
dealers, they all see the light inside
of me and they were
I was always different from others. I always stuck out and they all told me to stop hiding my light and to let my light shine.
I’m happy to know that today and a lot of days (the past 5 years) don’t determine who I am or how I carry myself each day. I know that I am blessed even though it’s not the best circumstances right now, but I am alive and I know that this isn’t the end of me.
to reaching it. I just have to I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I am very close less. stay focused with my eyes on the prize and do not settle for
And most importantly I have to remember what I’ve been through that got me to where I am right now in life. And to always let my light shine.“Oh yeah, mom has been drug free since 2006/2007.”
I Am From Poem B. Collins I am from America From Where you are not free and the brave are persecuted I am from a loving Christian household Cooked meals, togetherness, Grandkids running around I am from protecting family When the women move, so do you I’m from family reunions and cook outs From Mary Dee and Shirley Ann I’m from the selflessness and protect your loved ones From be a leader and not a follower and If It was a snake, it would’ve bit you I’m from a missionary baptist family, where Cuz is helping granddad with his sermon I’m from Chicago, IL/ Mississippi New York vanilla ice cream, preserves From the country to city living The quitters never win, and winners never quit, From walking the hall, you see your family history on the walls It is always good to know how far your family has come
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