CHICAGO
"Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter." - African Proverb
In collaboration with:
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people experiencing, navigating, surviving complex traumas in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising, and publishing
LION SPEAKS
memoirs, participants strengthen self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive self-projection to author new life narratives. Chicago: Dark City of Light is a compilation of memoirs from youth and staff of B.U.I.L.D. ConTextos partnered with B.U.I.L.D, Broader Urban Involvement & Leadership Development, a nationally respected gang intervention, violence prevention, and youth development organization based on Chicago’s West Side. Authors Circle reflects a space of meaningful connections, reflections, conversations and creation for important young people navigating multiple challenges and opportunities in Chicago 2023. The pieces in this compilation harness the power of personal truths. Chicago: Dark City of Light complicates narratives and emboldens the vision of vibrant futures for young people of Chicago and all generations of learners, teachers and seekers near and far.
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Growing up in the city of Chicago for young people today is the most challenging I have ever known. The everyday struggle to survive occupies the minds of young people such that it becomes a value to be celebrated that you made it to see another birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, or any other meaningful day. The despair and nihilism that follows suffocates the potential for them to see hope of brighter futures. For some young people, Chicago is a dark city where they learn to adjust their lenses to various degrees of tint. For
INTRODUCTION
others, it is a city that, nonetheless, radiates with light. That light entails the beauty of the experiences that inform them: their families and friends, their neighborhoods and schools, the food they eat, the places they hang out at, their fashion and style, their idioms and colloquial expressions that indicate where they’re from, the way they dance and create. Whether in Austin, Lawndale, East and West Garfield or Englewood, Woodlawn, Chatham or Roseland, young people live in this dark versus light appeal to the city. For them, it isn’t an either or; it’s a both and. The young people at BUILD Chicago demonstrate this in their collective voices from this seemingly dichotomous space. Throughout this Circle, they spoke about the many ways in which the city has both shaped them and the many ways they have shaped themselves by the beautiful ugliness that is their beloved city. Please open the ears of your minds and hearts to their voices in “Chicago: Dark City of Light.” Spankey Davis, Alumni Advocate & Authors Circle Facilitator 6
TABLE OF CONTENTS INTRODUCTION ALEXIS DEMAJAE ISAIAH KATHLYN LEILA NATHAN TYSHAWN D. - BUILD DERRICK - BUILD JAIME - BUILD PABLO - BUILD
6 11 17 22 26 29 31 34 39 46 55 59
ALEX
“THUGGING IN THE STREETS GRAVEYARD SHIFT.”
ALEX
6 WORD MEMOIR
"IF YOU DON’T SPEAK, NO ONE WITH LISTEN."
ALEX I am from Chicago as a whole, Austin, Harwood, Norridge, Kelvyn Park From police cars on the streets and people walking next to me. I am from a home where the rain would echo the halls and emergency lights hit the walls. I am from parks and trails that sprawl across the city, with breezes as strong as a storm and an appearance of a colorful night.
I AM FROM
I’m from my closest friend and family From spending days at the beach to going out and enjoying the views. And from confident and loyal roots. I’m from words that would be used to build myself, grow up, and be mature. And from others that would act as a shield, you need to stop wasting your time and stop acting like a child I’m from a belief of strength can get you anywhere I’m from Chicago, can’t get mad when you get hurt. From platas sounding so good they never forgotten. From Jaidan, who spent the nights with me. I am from defined accents and ideal perspectives that form me. 13
Self, since you asked I’ll tell you why I’m so tired and stressed.
ALEX
Because I’m not with my family, the only one in this city, and no support to have my back. Distance isn’t a joke. Because I’ve been doing this foster care for too long
SINCE YOU ASKED
Because I can't wake up and be happy for the next day Because I have endured a lot of difficulties and chaos every day Because the systems are so slow to work Because 1100 miles from real home struggles to keep my believing Because each day counts towards another 24 hours I’m not with the people I love the most Because I can’t hit that independence to discover myself Because I’m misunderstood in almost everything I do Because I face a time where I must grow up, maintain my appearance, and be different from those my age making my life a lot more fast-forwarded than it even needed to be Self, I am strong, I am dedicated, but this chaos has gone on for far too long. That must hopefully end soon. 14
ALEX
Describe your ideal intimate and/or platonic relationship. Communicative, expressive, caring, and a partner who is willing to discuss
SELF-AWARENESS
situations and understand both perspectives. How satisfied are you in your current relationship and/or friendships? I’m satisfied with 4 out of almost all my friendships/relationships because they understand me and allow themselves to let me be who I am. Who would you call if you only had a few minutes to live? What would you say? My family, my aunt. She has been considered the real parent of my life. I’d tell them their efforts and guidance never failed and it made me who I am today. Who have you loved the most? My family. As much as relationships feel like perfection, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. Blood comes first.
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SELF-AWARENESS CONT.
ALEX
Of all the relationships you have had, describe the best moment. My family’s best ability to support me during tough times. Always having my back. Describe a devastating moment in terms of relationships. When love, trust, attention, and communication fail to last. When they get tested, the people must solve it together. Ask yourself if you treat yourself better than others? No, I can answer that without a problem. My life experiences shape a person of strength but aggressive, whereas my personality appears as a calm person and easy to be around. Two faces that must stay separate.
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Demajae
“LIVE YOUR LIFE BEFORE YOU CAN’T.”
DEMAJAE
6 WORD MEMOIR
"BUILD YOUR FUTURE, CHICAGO CAN’T WAIT."
DEMAJAE I am from KTown From Levis and Dolce & Gabbana I am from KTown where it sounds like gunshots I am from trees and flowers, like big trees and nice colorful flowers
I AM FROM
I’m from Deon and Mykey From parties and fighting And from friendly I’m from “stay out the street” And from “don’t ask for nothing from other family members” I’m from being nice to people I’m from Cabrini Green From water, pizza, wings, Pops From Tink Butt - Auntie I’m from no safety because anything can happen 20
DEMAJAE
SINCE YOU ASKED
To the people from Chicago, since you asked I’ll tell you why they are killing. Because they have nun in their life but killing Because they grow up in a bad environment Because they was forced to do it. Because it was passed down from their genes. Because they grow up around guns and violence.
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DEMAJAE
When I was 14, I was playing basketball one day, then I went to the store to get something to drink because basketball makes you want something. So I
MY STORY
walked to the store, then on my way back I had found a gun in the alley, so I picked it up. I was walking around a park with it. Then a lady saw me pick it up and she called the police on me, but I didn’t know she called the police so I kept the gun. Then the police showed up so when they showed up they got out the car and chased me down the block when I ran. But he tried to shoot me so I stopped running from him and just got on the floor. Then he put me in handcuffs and took me to the jail. Then they sat me in a real jail cell for 7 hours then took me to the Audy home because I’m only a juvenile. I stayed there for a day then I had court the next morning. The judge put me on house arrest for 30 days, then took me off. So that’s the end of my story.
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Isaiah
ISAIAH I am from Chicago. From food and grow up. I am from a 2nd floor house. I grew up in there when I was lil. I am from frost, plants and trees.
I AM FROM
I’m from Mom and Tio. From running from the scary movie. And from weird. I’m from listen And from do your work I’m from getting money and work. From chips. From Wevo. I am from Mexico and America. 25
ISAIAH
SINCE YOU ASKED
To young people, since you asked I’ll tell you about middle school Because middle school is the best and worst time for yall. Because yall finna have fun and make trouble. Because that is the point of middle school, to have fun and to learn to be yourself. Because being bullied can be hard but you have to be strong and stand up for yourself. Because meeting people is fun and you can make long-lasting friendships.
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ISAIAH
Describe your ideal intimate and/or platonic relationship. I want someone that is going to be there for me
SELF-AWARENESS
How satisfied are you in your current relationship and/or friendships? I’m good Who would you call if you only had a few minutes to live? What would you say? My mom because she is the only one that has loved me Who have you loved the most? My mom Of all the relationships you have had, describe the best moment. My girlfriend meeting my mom Describe a devastating moment in terms of relationships. Being toxic Ask yourself if you treat yourself better than others? No, because treating other people good makes you feel good
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Kathalyn
SINCE YOU ASKED
KATHALYN
Mom, since you asked I’ll tell you why I’m so lonely. Because I feel like there’s no one I can run to when I’m sad Because I can’t express how I feel Because I lost all trust Because people really mean to hurt me and I don’t know why Because I’m doing this alone
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KATHALYN Describe your ideal intimate and/or platonic relationship. Spoil me, love me, be nice to me, and go out and have fun
SELF-AWARENESS
How satisfied are you in your current relationship and/or friendships? Not satisfied only because I have a lot going on and I don’t enjoy company when I’m not at my best. Who would you call if you only had a few minutes to live? What would you say? I would not call anybody because I’m a natural loner. Who have you loved the most? I loved my dad the most only because I missed my family being together. Of all the relationships you have had, describe the best moment. The best moments were with my cousins. We always had a good time living all together in the same house. Describe a devastating moment in terms of relationships. When my brother started having symptoms of schizophrenia. Ask yourself if you treat yourself better than others? No. I treat others better than I treat myself.
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Leila
“I LOVE YOU, EVEN IN ABSENCE.”
LEILA
6 WORD MEMOIR
"MOM, I WANNA SAY, I’M SORRY."
Nathan
SINCE YOU ASKED
NATHAN
To my little brother, since you asked I’d like to tell you how to be successful in life. Because I want him to be good and not to end up in jail. Because I want him to get a good career Because I want him to be able to provide for my family Because I want to be a truck driver Because I want him to be a sucka free
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NATHAN
Describe your ideal intimate and/or platonic relationship. A girl who cares for me
SELF-AWARENESS
How satisfied are you in your current relationship and/or friendships? Good, I guess Who would you call if you only had a few minutes to live? What would you say? My mom and I would tell her I love her Who have you loved the most? My mom and brothers Of all the relationships you have had, describe the best moment. 5 years Describe a devastating moment in terms of relationships. IDK Ask yourself if you treat yourself better than others? Yes, I do
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Tyshawn
“YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH MONEY.”
TYSHAWN
6 WORD MEMOIR
"STAYING TO YOURSELF IS THE BEST."
TYSHAWN
I’m from Austin large apartment buildings and little corner stores
I AM FROM
I’m from block parties and kickbacks, riding bikes till the sun sets I’m from empty lots and large and small trees I’m from living with my grandparents and ending up happy with my mom From being in the kitchen helping people cook and listening to her congratulations and hearing her irritated I’m from don’t touch that And from come in the house, it’s late
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TYSHAWN
SINCE YOU ASKED
Everyone, since you asked I’ll tell you why I stay to myself Because worrying about who I need to avoid because I’m into it with everybody Because I like being alone Because I hate to help people Because of coming outside to be with them Because of the time I have to spend Because of the money you have to give Because of the stress you go through Because I like the feeling of chilling and staying at home
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TYSHAWN
Describe your ideal intimate and/or platonic relationship. A relationship where we’re both loyal and everything is 50/50
SELF-AWARENESS
How satisfied are you in your current relationship and/or friendships? They aren’t the best right now but I’m pushing through it Who would you call if you only had a few minutes to live? What would you say? My mother and express how I feel to her Who have you loved the most? My mother and siblings for always being there for me Of all the relationships you have had, describe the best moment. When I spent a whole day out with my ex while we were together Describe a devastating moment in terms of relationships. When I got out of my first-ever real relationship Ask yourself if you treat yourself better than others? Sometimes, depending on who it was
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D. ORR D. BUILD
“50 YEARS. BLOOD, SWEAT, TEARS, SUFFERING.”
D. ORR I am from the Lawndale community. From the 1800 block of Hamlin, the grey 2 flat story building.
I AM FROM
I am from the grey 2 story building where you could hear the smooth soothing sounds of Marvin Gaye I am from the block where you could see the pretty gardens with all the green tomatoes and the beautiful scene of green grass that brightens up your day. I’m from the block where Colby, Red, and June would utilize the empty vacant lots to play sports. From we would take old milk crates and knock the bottom out and nail them to a light pole and call it our basketball rim. And from as we engaged in a game of “32,” I could see the enthusiasm and excitement that would gleam through Colby’s eyes when he would make a basket. I’m from after playing basketball, I could hear my mother’s voice repeatedly telling me to come in the house for dinner. And from I was always told to be home before the street lights come on. 45
D. ORR
I AM FROM CONT.
I’m from my mother was a devout Jehovah’s Witness and she instilled in me great morals and values. I’m from Chicago Illinois, 1800 block of Hamlin, which many know my home as the Holy City. From that block where we eat homemade ice cream and drink sodas all day. From the block where my best friend “Squirt” would display the meaning of true leadership at an early age. I am from those memories bring tears to my eyes because I have embodied the memories.
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D. ORR
FIX THE CITY
If there was one thing I could fix in my city it would be the unemployment rate, among people of color. First off, I would take the time to make some minorities in the urban communities receive the resources and training that is available in order to become independent productive black men and women so that they could create wealth for themselves and pass on that wealth to their offspring. The thing I would address is the lack of adequate education. I would make sure that everyone in the urban communities receiving an education either that’s getting a high school diploma or certificates, an Associates degree, or Bachelors degree, even a Doctoral degree. Then I would make sure that minorities are taught the science of business. African Americans must learn how to create businesses for themselves because we are the #1 consumers with nothing to show for ourselves. We are the consumers . . . the customers. Now I would flip the script and teach us how to become the owners. Next, I would create a committee that would be dedicated to securing our finances from our businesses because too many black politicians sell out the black community for an address. Next, I would demand that we rebuild our own communities because our communities were destroyed from the riots in the '60s, the gangs, and then dope money. Next, I would create a committee that would be dedicated to organizing a militia that protects Black women. 47
D. ORR
GROWING UP IN LAWNDALE
Growing up in the Lawndale community was extremely an experience that I will never forget. If I had to describe the experience I would say my neighborhood was destitute, impoverished, and full with hopelessness. Why would I describe or why would I use these words to describe my neighborhood? Impoverished because the people in the community don’t have the resources and financial means to support themselves. Growing up I witnessed working class families with the means to support themselves but after the late 70s and early 80s the resources became limited and the drugs and gangs saturated the community. All you could hear at night-time were the sounds of gunfire from block to block, the aroma of gunshots filled the air day and night. The reason I would use the term destitute is because there were many families who were without the basic necessities of life. And the reason I chose to use the term hopelessness is because without resources and economic opportunities it left many black families within Lawndale without the means to produce economic growth and this condition led to despair, broken homes, and poverty. Due to this condition the citizens’ vision and hearing became impacted because, without resources, the vision disappeared, the hearing demolished due to political lies.
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D. ORR Describe your ideal intimate and/or platonic relationship. I’m looking for a relationship where the other person is loyal, honest and truthful.
SELF-AWARENESS
How satisfied are you in your current relationship and/or friendships? I am not really satisfied with my current relationship and friendship because some friends and associates are not loyal or truthful. Who would you call if you only had a few minutes to live? What would you say? If I only had a few minutes to live I would call my wife and spiritual advisor because I try and sincerely believe that these are the people who genuinely care about me. Who have you loved the most? I would say my God Jehovah, my mother, and then my wife. Of all the relationships you have had, describe the best moment. The best moment of a close relationship was when I married my wife. We were really going through some difficult times, but she stuck by my side.
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SELF-AWARENESS CONT.
D. ORR
Describe a devastating moment in terms of relationships. A devastating moment in my relationships was when my best friend Colby was killed. Ask yourself if you treat yourself better than others? I do treat myself better than others because I’ve always had a selfsacrificing attitude. I would always serve others but did not receive the same treatment from friends, family, neighbors, etc. So sometimes, I would always go out to a quiet place and treat myself to food, clothing, or just a good piece of mind.
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Derrick BUILD
“DO NOT ENTER. CARE LOVES FOREVER.”
DERRICK
6 WORD MEMOIR
"ELEVATE GROWTH, PUSH PEACH, PRACTICE PATIENCE."
DERRICK I am from the West side to the North side From Black to Brown From trenches and the mud
I AM FROM
I am from 4816 and 1356, that smell out West wasn’t always the best, up North them smells had me confused, like it was just different. I am from badass loose dogs that always pissed on the great flowers that use to brighten the neighborhood, From the sunflowers in both neighborhoods that made my day. Just the look, smell, and physical appearance helped me smile in my neighborhood I’m from Ms. Bettie and taste buds and Bobby Riv From Beast and Eric From learning baseball and soccer at the park, And from doing basketball one-on-ones to swimming And from sports to great convos, heart to hearts. I’m from eating them good philly and that bomb-ass lemonade. 54
DERRICK
I’m from out West
I AM FROM
And from the Northside I’m from God’s hands, my Lord and Savior I’m from Chicago From BBQ’s in the park to juke in the basement From my Big Bro Beast, may he rest in peace I am from the struggle, the hustle, and the grit and grind.
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DERRICK Describe your ideal intimate and/or platonic relationship. Peace How satisfied are you in your current relationship and/or friendships?
SELF-AWARENESS
Very satisfied Who would you call if you only had a few minutes to live? What would you say? Grandmothers. You did your best and now it’s my time to rest. Love you and the whole family. Who have you loved the most? My nieces and sister and girlfriend Of all the relationships you have had, describe the best moment. Was when I met the love of my life Describe a devastating moment in terms of relationships. When my big brother passed away. Ask yourself if you treat yourself better than others? I really think I do. I give a lot and don’t want or expect anything back. 56
FROM HIRSCH TO BOSWORTH
DERRICK
From Hirsch to Bosworth, the tale of two sides of town. I moved from out west and all my friends to not knowing anyone. Me and my family was new to the different cultures. From eating fried chicken wings with mild sauce to eating tacos, corn in the cup, and tortas. The smell was even different. The culture was amazing to learn and understand, the difference of both sides of town. From playing basketball all the time to playing soccer, table tennis, and spoon pop, which was a life changer. Rudy Lozano is a name I’m proud to say. That’s the name of the grammar school that taught me many different things about another culture. From the West to up North, the respect and friendships that I have made me realize culture, friendship, family, and teamwork, don’t come from one place, one block, or city. It comes from the community we live in and this great city we live in.
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DERRICK
THE DARK SHADOW
To make it in this city you have to stay solid, stay alert, and stay woke. The West and Northside raised me. Grandma’s mother and grandfathers raised me. I was a young fatherless child but I was not running wild. I had rules and goals and family in my corner so I stayed off the corner. Dad did not shape me or break me. Missed baseball, football, all the sports events from graduation to the hospital, that Dark Shadow was never the problem. Overthinking and hoping was. Until I face that Dark Shadow with my goals and achievements, from trophies to diplomas, my rage, my energy, my focus as I prayed for better days. Time fades away. The clear skies shine. The lights on my day was once unclear but now I’m so sure that Dark Shadow is now at ease. I prayed to the Lord. He helped me achieve my dream.
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DERRICK Yo City, Wake Up Get up out that bed Take a look at your city How did you make it in this city? Do you trust yo city? Watch your back in yo city Be normal in your city Stay dangerous in yo city
YO CITY
Yo city don’t love you It’s not love it’s hate and envy Yo city won’t change without you Yo city is your home Treat yo city right Yo city keeps you down But yo city is your choice Make yo city a better place Make yo city believe in you Yo city will move with or without you North, South, East, West Protect yo chest and hope for the best Wear yo city on your chest Don't be the next Be the best 59
DERRICK
Today is the day Don’t let time slip away Stop, learn, listen, understand You will grow to be a great man
YOUNG MAN
Behind them bars won’t make you That suit with that number is not you Your better than expectations Greatness is what you can achieve Be the leader that you are The difference maker Not the chance taker Wear the crown young king Change the narrative about your generation Write your story don’t be the written story Young Man Young Man You are in good hands and I won’t let you down.
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jaime BUILD
“WHAT’S AN ANT TO A GOD.”
JAIME I am from Gage Park. From Uncle Goonies and Western orange line. I am from a house smelling like carnitas. I am from McKinley Park, filled with green and a graveyard by the lake.
I AM FROM
I’m from Koala and Pony. From playing soccer with Koala and Pony. I’m from stop sticking your hand in the fire. And from stop. I’m from God and love. From Modelos and Corona at the BBQ From Koala. I am from anxiety and motivation From depression and love. 63
JAIME Since you asked Mr. Boss Man, I’ll tell you why I can’t do as you say. Because you do not own me.
SINCE YOU ASKED
Because I have been held down all my life. Because I have been told to can’t have this, I can’t afford that. Because I worked too hard for so long to be yelled at. Because I earned this damn degree. Because I am not your prisoner, held down by your chains. Because I am not your puppet, powerless against your strings. Because I am not your servant, ready at your command. Because I am the keys to my life, not you. Because we are all equal, connected, not meant to be chained up, free to live forever. Because life is free.
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JAIME
Describe your ideal intimate and/or platonic relationship. Being on the same page
SELF-AWARENESS
How satisfied are you in your current relationship and/or friendships? Satisfied Who would you call if you only had a few minutes to live? What would you say? Mom, Jackie, and Jr. Who have you loved the most? Mom Of all the relationships you have had, describe the best moment. Currently, going to places like the zoo, pumpkin patch Describe a devastating moment in terms of relationships. Cheating Ask yourself if you treat yourself better than others? No, but working on it.
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PABLO BUILD
PABLO I am from Mexico, Cicero I am from smelling homemade salsa I am from Lake Michigan, sandy, windy, chilly, peaceful
I AM FROM
I’m from Mom and daughter From Daughter’s Quinceanera And from patient, loving I’m from too quiet I’m from Jesus Christ I’m from Mexico From spicy food From Momma I am from Brown N Proud
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PABLO
Describe your ideal intimate and/or platonic relationship. Being reliable like I am
SELF- AWARENESS
How satisfied are you in your current relationship and/or friendships? I am there as they are there Who would you call if you only had a few minutes to live? What would you say? My daughter Who have you loved the most? My daughter, my mom, and my sister Of all the relationships you have had, describe the best moment. The birth of my daughter Describe a devastating moment in terms of relationships. My baby’s mom broke my heart Ask yourself if you treat yourself better than others? Yes
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To learn more about our work, read memoirs, and other compilations written by our Authors visit: www.contextos.org Find us on social media: @contextoschi
Front cover image by Naimah Thomas
All photographs by Dimitri Hepburn 2023
Book design by Naimah Thomas