Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't by ConTextos Chicago

Damned if You Do, Damned if You Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t

Codeon Ingram

“Until the lion writes his own story, the tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter.” -African proverb The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising, illustrating and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie, and positive self-projection to author new life narratives. Since January 2017, ConTextos has collaborated with the Cook County Sheriff ’s Office to implement Authors Circle in Division X of Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narrative about violence and peace-building, and help author a hopeful future for these young men, their families and our collective communities. In collaboration with

Damned if You Do, Damned if You Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t

Codeon Ingram

Being that I’m telling you this story means I caught another case. Waking up every two hours staring out my cell window of Division 10. Wondering how my life just went from sugar to shit so fast. Waking up out of my sleep tossing and turning, uncomfortable sleeping on this slab of steel and listening to my celly snore all night. I lie on my back and punch the shit out of the bed above, He awakes and has the nerve to ask me ‘What’s wrong?” He shuts his goofy ass up quick, hearing the irritation in my voice when I respond.

Staring into the dark as I lie there not knowing whether I’m coming or going. For 18 months I’ve been politically held against my will, guilty until proven innocent. I’ve lost my grandmother and grandfather this year, and I remain here, due to the corruption of this system.

But I’m also not the only one suffering from this ordeal. I have three beautiful children: Patricia, Codeon, Amari who I adore with all of my heart. I have two little cousins, Shaji and Maddison who I love unconditionally as well. And then there’s Kayla, my little sister.

I remember that afternoon clearly, July 13 2013. As the Metra train crept into the inner city limits, I peered out of my window amazed, admiring the city I call home. I stole one last glimpse of its beautiful skyscrapers before the train completely descended into the Metra station for it final destination: Chicago, Illinois.

Also known as Chi-Raq for its devastating body count and crime rate. Three years from now a famous movie director Spike Lee would make a movie called Chi-Raq. But truth be told, if you werenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t born and bred in this shit, you couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t possibly mimic our way of life. This is the jungle Blood-raq where the streets bleed daily, where only real predators survive. After being incarcerated for 22 months I have finally been released from Centralia, Illinois.

Now I’m back. As the train began to violently shake, steadying the tons of steel. Screeeechhhh...came the annoying sound from the train’s brake system, letting me know one thing, in my rappy Ruffer’s famous voice...“the ride is over.” Rest up my boy.

I began gathering my belongings, the little I did have. As I stood up and walked to the exit doors, I stared out of the doors observing the crowds of people coming and going through the Union Station terminal. The train’s doors sprang to life and the city air graced my face instantly bringing my survival instincts to life. Reality kicking my brain sending signals to my body as I stepped onto the platform ready for whatever obstacles life was prepared to throw my way. It’s on...

To make sure I wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t dreaming, I put some pep in my step, ready for the next steps it took to make this all a reality. I was like a grown-ass child and this wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even my first nor second time doing a bid. Every time feels different, but little did I know my life would take a drastic turn for the good and the bad this time around.

I walk out of the Metra station onto the streets of downtown Chicago. I need a phone so I could call a ride to come get me. Knowing I’d need one quickly, I spot a man on his cell phone leaning against a building. I walk over and offer him twenty dollars. He hangs up his call and accepts my offer. I hand him the money and instantly dial the only phone number I’ll forever remember, my grandmother’s landline.

The first time I didn’t get the through. The second time my grandmother answered and said, “Hey baby.” I smiled hard as fuck cause I knew I was about to see the lady who I’ve been trying to make proud of me. I said, “Hi, grandma, I’m downtown at the train station.” She asked me, “Where at? Hold on.” She called my uncle Ricky to tell him to Come and pick me up. Then I heard Kayla my little sister in the background, saying, “He on his way, Grandma.” My grandma said, “Here go your sister.” passing her the phone.

Kayla says, “Hey, sissy.” I start to laugh as I say, “What’s up? Man, I can’t wait to get home, sis.” She says, “Me neither. So can you shut up?” She says, “Ricky finna be coming to get you. He on his way upstairs to get the address. Brittany dropped off your clothes and shoes. They up here.” I ask, “What she get me?” “Some AirMax and some pants, hats, T-shirts and stuff.”

“OK,” I say. Then my Uncle Ricky walks in. Kayla says, ”Here go Ricky.” He says, “What’s up, nephew? Where you at?” I give him the address and he says, “I’m on my way!” I tell my little sister, “I love you. Put grandma back on the phone.”

Grandma says, “Hello?” “Yeah, grandma. I can’t wait to take a bath and come out of these clothes.” “Well, grandma got everything set up for you. All you gotta do is get here. I got you some fresh sheets, pillow cases and a new bed. Grandma cooked some greens, yams, cornbread and stuff for you.” “Grandma, thank you. I really appreciate everything, but I’ma be back up in no time. Ain’t gonna be no paper shortage for long.” “Baby, just listen to Grandma. I don’t want you out here in these streets messing around. Stay at home, stay out of trouble, Codeon. Trouble be easy to get into and hard to get out of. Don’t worry about paying me no rent or nothing. Now, hurry up and get here. I love you.”

I noticed a difference in my Grandma’s tone that shook me something terrible. Whatever it was I knew it wasn’t right.

Waiting for my Uncle Ricky to pull up I instantly enjoy taking in the view of the city life. Twenty-two months of the country life will change a man’s thinking processes for sure. I know one thing. You start to appreciate the little stuff and you take nothing for granted again.My uncle pulls up in his little ‘97 Chevy Lumina. Little did I know I’d be buying it off of him in a few months. I get in the car and shake my uncle’s hand. We hung with each other a lil bit.

My children have always come first when it came to anything. I was no longer interested in living for me at all. I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want that no more. I was now allergic to the bullshit. It was now fuck me period. I had a new perspective on life. Purpose.

I’m taking in what he saying and for some reason his words sting my soul. I’m sitting there staring out the window at my city, wondering what that future got in store for me. I ain’t seeing nothing in front of me but making something out of nothing for my kids. And that’s a task within itself, cause I’m now free and I ain’t got nothing but the clothes on my back right now, underwear and all.

Pulling into the BP on Taylor Street I step out of the car. I ask my uncle, “You thirsty Unc?” He said “yeah, nephew, I’ll take a water.” I walk into the gas station, grab two Fiji waters out the cooler and ask for pack of Newport shorts, knowing I don’t need to smoke, but right now my mind is travelling at light speed. iI place money on the counter and tell the attendant to give me rest over there on that green car, I walk out and my uncle pumping the gas. I’m looking at him, laughing to myself like, “damn I look just like him.” I pass him the water I bought him. “Thank you. How much you put in the tank?” “$50 something.” “Why you put so much?” “It’s cool, ‘Unc!” We get back in the car and pull off. I’m like, “let me use your phone.” He passes it to me and I call the house again.

My grandma answers, “Baby, I’m done cooking now. All I’m waiting on is you.” “Grandma, I miss you so much.” “Promise you gonna stay out of trouble.” “I promise you, Grandma.” “OK, cause you too old, baby. I’m all you got out here. Grandma can’t stand to see you caged like an animal no more. Them babies need you. Especially Codeon. Thank God for Patricia’s mom. She’s a good mother to that baby.”

And to succeed, I planned on flexing every muscle in my body it took. So from that moment of that phone conversation with my Grandmother, I made some changes in my life. Awakening that sleeping giant, no longer settling for less. There would be no room for error or flaw. For once in my life I had the opportunity to examine myself and the person I had come to be. I tell my Grandmother I love her as we exit the expressway on Congress and Hamlin Street/Independence, I take a sip of my cold Fiji water, Thinking to myself this the most welcomed I have ever felt coming home. Why does it feel so strange?

We made it to the Avenue, Chicago Avenue. A lot had changed, The streets were different, I was different. As we crossed Augusta and Hamlin, I told my uncle to make a right on Thomas, then a left of Ridgeway sliding through. I saw all the familiar faces I had wanted to see. But I never stopped to speak. I had a destination. Home. Turning through the alley I began to get excited about seeing my family and hungry, too! Yams, greens, neckbones homemade cornbread from scratch, fresh sliced onions and tomatoes, fried chicken, peach cobbler. Damn, I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t wait. We pulled in front of the house. I see her at last. My Grandmother had lost a lot of weight. She walked up to me and kissed me. I was so happy to be home. Damn it felt good.

As my grandmother continues to speak, everything is sinking in like daggers to my heart. Just recently my son Codeon was taken from his mother. Something that crushed me, because I was unable to be there for him as his father. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s when everything in me suddenly changed. My children have always come first when it came to anything. I was no longer interested in living for me at all. I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want that no more. I was now allergic to the bullshit. It was now fuck me period. I had a new perspective on life. Purpose.

My Grandmother was known far and wide. Everyone loved her and she didn’t take nothing.She cursed like a female sailor. When she had all her young and older friends over playing cards, listening to the blues, she would sing all night until the wee hours. She enjoyed herself with a little gambling and some Patron then talk about you all night. You had to love her. But now it seemed to me Grandma was a ball of stress, more worried about my well being than having me out there throwing rocks at the Penitentiary. I mean the streets is all I know. So what do you do when you’re good at something knowing you can smooth that thing out. You go for it. Or so you think. Four months flew by fast and I got bored of staying in the house. It was rough on me and Granny. We were beefing over her trying to give me positive advice. She was missing me and didn’t know it until I came to the house to pick up my mail one day. “Come home, please. I hate seeing you out here in these streets. Not knowing if you’re OK or not. Everytime I hear some gun shots I just pray that you’re OK. I see now that you were right about them boyz.” She began to cry while telling me. “Please just come home.” That’s when I realized my Grandmother was traumatized. After all the tough love and strength she instilled in me over the years, I couldn’t believe it. She was scared. She was now as fragile as a child and that scared me.

But I had no intention of returning home. Although it hurt me to make that decision, I knew it was for the best. I loved my Grandmother with all my heart and I refused to fall out with her over nonsense. It seemed Grandmotherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s health was deteriorating right before my eyes. So I did the only thing I could do, I stayed away. We stayed in touch every day after that, though.

Then September 17, 2016 my beautiful daughter Amari Ingram was born. I was happy and thought things would shape up a lot better for me now that I had more responsibility. Until October 9, I got caught up in the injustice of the CPD and eventually bonded out. I stayed home seven beautiful months until I decided to walk to the store.

Sitting back now, I realize my Grandmother was right. Some things you should just walk away from.

Codeon I’m from where they jack motherfuckers. From where the tank is on E and we ain’t had our supper. From where that K start to speak. Shit. Sound like it stutter, hard body bitch. You know I came out the gutter, got fame and a lot of gold chains off my hustle. I’m from where you never take advice from a nigga who don’t love you. From where you gotta walk light, got stay above water. I’m from where I’d rather eat last, my nigga. From where you come in and Set the Standard and raise the bar I’m from where you learn to get a head start From where if you can’t win, you gotta get smarter. I’m from where they can’t see greatness in me, yeah they can’t see greatness in me. This shit gotta make me, ain’t no breaking me.