Determined
Daryl “Doc” Brown
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people who are at risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives. Since January 2017, ConTextos has collaborated with the Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Division X of Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narrative about violence and peace-building, and help author a hopeful future for these men, their families, and our collective communities. While each memoir's text is solely the work of the Author, the images used to create this book's illustrations have been sourced from various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering, and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into fully illustrated books. In collaboration with
Determined Daryl “Doc” Brown
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There were many more smiles to come from this 5lb, 5oz joy born with pneumonia. As I look back, adversity had dominated her since the beginning. A year or so later, she developed asthma, which plagued her the rest of her life.
There are so many memories of her. One that comes to mind is when she was about 9 or 10 years old, Bobbi started running track in school. She loved it and was reasonably good at it. I would go to various track meets after school to watch her. I could never miss a meet for two reasons; first, I didn't want to, and second, she would not accept me missing me one. (Later I'll tell you why.)
I was very proud of her accomplishments in track, and I could see the pleasure in her eyes knowing that I was proud of her.
During that time in her life, on numerous occasions, Bobbi would be normally walking and just fall down badly, scarring her knees. Her mother, Hattie, took her to neighborhood clinics, only for them to tell her nothing was wrong with Bobbi, that she probably was pretending to get attention.
I could not—no, I would not believe that Bobbi would do anything of the sort. This went on for about two or three more years, getting worse. We decided to admit her to University of Chicago Children's Hospital.
A week or so later, after my daily visits bringing Wendy’s, McDonald’s, and Burger King, adversity struck again. A big one: Bobbi was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS), a terminal disease.
The pain and the tears I experienced at that moment were excruciating. To learn my daughter, always smiling Bobbi, had developed this terrible disease was the hardest thing I ever had to accept in my life. But what was even harder was to explain to my thirteen-year-old daughter that she had a disease with no cure, and then to motivate her to keep struggling to get better, never giving up, because they were still trying to find a cure. But most of all, God had the last word. To see how brave Bobbi was, chapter after chapter, year after year, tore me up inside, that she had to fight this hard. Seeing her look in my eyes, all I could see was her asking me:
“WHY WON’T YOU HELP ME?”
“PLEASE HELP ME, DADDY.”
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I tried to give her all she would ask for. But this pain I felt, not being able to deliver the relief that my little girl needed and wanted, was devastating. At the age of thirteen, she had to start fighting with everything she had to try to have a normal teenage life. Through it all, my little angel gave me agape love for her entire life. I prayed to God for him to help her, and in exchange give me her burden of this disease. That didn’t happen.
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In 2001 she got her wish, her dream. She graduated from Simeon Vocational High School. A proud day in her and my life. The smile onher face as she walked across the stage at Christ Universal Temple and took her diploma in her hand, and the look of pride in her eyes, will remain in my mind forever.
Later an award at Simeon, the Bobbi Brown Dedication Award, was named in her honor, for the dedication and courage she exhibited through all her trials in order to achieve her goal of being a high school graduate.
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One afternoon while I was at work, I got a call from Bobbi while she was driving on the expressway. She said to me, “Daddy, I’m on the Dan Ryan. I’m scared, I can't move my right leg.” I was nervous but I couldn’t panic. I had to talk her off the expressway without her being involved in an accident. It wasn’t easy, but together we did it. I had her wait when she got off the Dan Ryan for me to get there. When I arrived, I took her home and came back for her car. However, I kept her car until we convinced her to return it to the finance company.
With her understanding that MS was a debilitating disease, and what it does to the body and muscles, we thought she would give up driving. She didn't until about three years later. After several cars, some accidents, and mistakes, I convinced her to sign the title to her Chevy Corsica over to me. MS had won the battle of driving.
A special lady blessed Bobbi with a motorized, battery-powered wheelchair, and the streets were her once again. Riding on CTA buses, trains, and up and down the streets, visiting me, my sister, and her cousins, trying just to be as normal as possible. She enrolled in college, but unfortunately had to drop out due to MS attacks. She never quit trying, college after college, until another brutal attack. She told me she just wanted to make her mother and myself proud of her. I pray that she knew in the end how truly proud we were.
I remember another afternoon: I was sitting talking to a couple customers at the bar that Rose (my fiancÊe) owned. They were in the front watching TV when Bobbi came to visit me. I was behind the bar in the front, and had to walk to the rear to come from behind to meet her. As Bobbi was walking towards the rear to meet me, they noticed her walk was wobbly, mirroring being intoxicated, and began laughing. I didn’t pay much attention to them then.
We decided to shoot a game of pool. She was having a good time playing pool with her daddy, even though her balance and coordination was off. I made her an easy living (a non-alcoholic drink), and I drank a 312 beer. After an hour or so, becoming tired, she decided to leave. Her walk by then was worse than when she came in.
After she left, one of the customers made a degrading comment that upset me tremendously, saying I had gotten her drunk earlier in the day, and was laughing loudly about her. Remembering them laughing when she came in prompted me to curse at them with words I choose not to repeat. I explained to them that she was my daughter, and she had the misfortune of carrying this terrible, debilitating disease called MS. They explained they didn’t know, and apologized wholeheartedly. I felt very small for losing my control, and I also apologized to them. We talked, and I explained the disease and what it was doing to her body.
This vicious disease was destroying her bod y, but I knew it could not and would destroy her soul .
Bobbi would call me at all hours of the day and night, while I was at work, 3 a.m., or just anytime. We would talk about boys, pregnancy, her sisters, even myself. The calls started decreasing and soon stopped. Bobbi became bedridden and lost the activities of her limbs and control of her entire body. My little girl could no longer talk. Every visit got harder and harder for me to make. Seeing her in that condition left my heart empty.
I had gotten myself into trouble driving on a suspended license more times than the law accepted. After her 27th birthday celebration, I had to go to prison at Jacksonville Correctional Center in Jacksonville, IL. I hoped the six months I had to do would pass before Bobbi would lose her battle with MS.
I got called into the office one night. My nerves were at an end, not understanding why they wanted to see me. After walking across the compound from dorm 2 to the office, I was informed I had a phone call. Rose was on the phone and told me Bobbi was back in the hospital, and this time they gave her a week to live.
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A few days following, I was handcuffed, shackled, and driven back to Chicago to see Bobbi Renee’ Brown for the last time. Two officers, a cold hamburger with milk for lunch, and three hours later, we arrived at the funeral home at 79th and Carpenter. With only thirty minutes to say goodbye, my last mental picture of Bobbi showed her at peace, finally. No more pain. At that moment, all the memories of her started easing the pain I had been experiencing since her diagnosis. The pain will never go completely away.
I still remember the last time I saw Bobbi alive. It was extremely emotional for me. Seeing her lying in her bed at her mother's house, looking at me with the very same eyes she had used to get what she had asked me for, brought me to an ocean of tears. Knowing she could no longer ask me for anything.
She was unable to say a word, and my mind was telling that her thoughts were, “Why won't you help me, Daddy? Please.” But knowing my little girl, she was just letting me know, “It’s okay, Daddy. I understand.”
Tenesha, her older sister, took care of her through it all. I have always wondered how she was able to do it. I now know she was Bobbi’s angel, anointed by God, and now Bobbi is her guardian angel.
It's hard to think that God would let her suffer like she did, but I have learned to trust in him. I remember her persistence that she exercised throughout her whole life. Never quitting, never stopped chasing her dreams. No matter what her obstacles were, Bobbi never gave up. She fought the good fight and she finished the race. God gave her to us for 27 years, and then he needed her back with him. Bobbi Renee’ Brown, I have lost you for now, but when we get back together in Heaven, I will never lose you again. Daddy’s little girl forever.
Storms
I can’t say I’m glad When storms come Nor when burdens seem To last days and nights
Through my trials and tests My faith grows stronger So I can face each day Easier and better
Although I know that the Wisdom I’ve learned And the courage My life may display Never was gained In the bright day hours But in the dark gloomy And stormy times At these times God’s presence Is closer for me to feel
But to ask God Not to send me
Through these tests I will not do For they are fashioned Through his loving hands
All things work Together for good Once questioned But now understood.
“We know that all things work Together for good to them that love God...” Romans 8:28
Bobbi Renee’ Brown
Daryl “Doc” Brown From having everything you need and rarely what you want. I am from the epitome of agape love, Kind, tough, rewarding. I am from 100° sun, Always there to warm my soul. I’m from God first and giving thanks and praise, From Arthur and Bessie, my grandparents. I’m from the drive for education and hard work, From striving to be the best and never giving up. I’m from praying, and praying some more. I’m from cotton fields and fishing, Catfish, greens, and cornbread, From the sharecropper to the homeowner. I am from grace given by God. I am from learning from mistakes.
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