This Is Not The End by Emmanuel Garcia

This Is Not The End

a i c r a G l e u n a m Em

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people who are at risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017, ConTextos has collaborated with the Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Division X of Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narrative about violence and peace-building, and help author a hopeful future for these men, their families, and our collective communities.

While each memoir's text is solely the work of the Author, the images used to create this book's illustrations have been sourced from various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering, and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into fully illustrated books.

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This Is Not The End Emmanuel Garcia

On August 5, 2019 I woke up to a disturbing noise that sounded like a strong waterfall and small bells being struck. It was like 3 in the morning, but this was nothing new to me. I already knew that it was just the correctional officer with them loud keys dragging the crate boxes with the breakfast trays in them.

A lot of things I don’t understand about being locked up in CCDOC, like why do they call them breakfast trays? I think the real name should be breakfast snacks. I mean on a good day, you’ll get a small pack of ginger snaps, a breakfast square, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich; and then who eats snacks at 3 in the morning?

I guess I couldn’t complain. I knew I was incarcerated, but there were a lot of inmates in a worse condition than me. Some inmates were in the hole for staff assaults, being mistreated by correctional officers, not knowing when these abuses were going to stop. Other inmates didn’t have support from their families or friends and they was stuck with their breakfast snacks every morning.

It was not easy but there was still hope. I had my mom and dad that would help me every time they could. They’d pick up the phone every time I called. My dad used to visit me every Monday until one day he started feeling really sick. He finally went to the doctor; after all the times that I told him to go, but he would not listen.

My dad was a hard working man and would invest all his money. He used to own all types of businesses. Some of them were good; others were not, but he made sure there was food on the table.

When it came to his health, he never took care of himself, so by the time he went to the hospital, they made him stay and after some tests, they found out that he had suffered two heart attacks. So, this was a wake up call for everybody.

I tried to go back to sleep, but my mind was too active for me to rest. After a couple of hours passed by, I heard the ringing bell noise again. It was the officer again. He opened my cell door and told me that I had a pass to go to the chess tournament and asked me if I wanted to get in the shower before they pick me up? I said “yes” and grabbed some coffee and my shower bag. I tried to get in the shower and when I was just about to get in the other officer told me that they was ready to pick me up.

This is another thing that I don’t understand about “the pre-trial system.” How is it that this system can punish you and control what you do before proving that you are actually guilty? This was not new to me either. I had experienced and seen so much abuse since the day I got arrested that I knew the best for me was just to comply.

I put my stuff back in the cell and left with the officer. He dropped me and other inmates off in the basement’s bullpens of Division 9. There we had to wait until other officers came to pick us up to take us to Division 11. Another thing I could not understand. It will only take a free person about 3 minutes to get to the next block from his house. This process would take an incarcerated person between 2 and 3 hours, but this was another thing that I was already used to.

While we was waiting for the other officers, I couldn’t stop thinking on the tournament. I was about to play people that I never played before. I didn’t know if they were better than me or not, plus this was my first chess tournament, and to add to this, I was rusty. I stopped playing chess months before the tournament.

There was a group of inmates in my deck that used to sit with Cesar every day to learn about the Bible. Cesar was another pretrial inmate that would teach the Word of the Lord, but when Cesar got sentenced, the other inmates asked me if I could sit with them and study the Bible together, something that I would always do by myself. So I stopped playing chess and put all my attention to the Word of the Lord and I started sharing with the other inmates the few things that I know about God.

In one way I was rusty, but on the other hand I learned to play chess a long time ago. I was born on June 11, 1986, so I was 33 years old when I participated in this tournament, and this was not my first challenge. I am from Cicero, Illinois, but after my little brother was born my parents decided that it was best if we move to Mexico City. So I was forced to go to school in Mexico without knowing how to read or write Spanish. I was 7 years old at that time. Besides going to school, I had to help my dad with his businesses before and after school.

On January 6, 1996, it was “Dia De Reyes Magos.” This is a special day in Mexico. On this day we celebrate the day when the Wise Men worshipped Jesus Christ and offer Him gifts. So this is just like Christmas Day for us.

On this day, me and my older brother got a chess board and my dad showed us how to play. At that time, my dad owned an Italian restaurant, so everyday after school I would go to this restaurant to help my mom and dad. But when the restaurant was slow in business, me and my dad would sit down and play chess.

I still remember the first time I played chess with my dad. He fools mate me in four moves. My dad was not perfect, but he did the best he could with me and my brothers. I used to judge him alot for the things that he didn’t do for us. But now I wish I could do at least half of the things for my kids. After a couple of years my dad gave the restaurant to my uncle and we stopped playing chess.

So I started playing chess online.

The next time me and my dad played, I had improved my chess game a lot. So I won every game. I thought this was going to be another good experience of dad and son playing chess, but it wasn’t. My dad got mad because he couldn’t beat me no more. The only one having fun that day was my mom. She couldn’t stop laughing after my dad got mad and walked away from the table where we was playing at. After this, we didn’t play for years, but I kept playing online and against my older brother. I was 9 years old when I learned how to play chess, so I had to have some type of skills.

After waiting for a while, the officers finally got there to pick us up and took us to Division 11. In the moment I walked in, I had a deja vu. I had experienced that moment in a dream and the only feeling that I remember about that dream was victory. I know a lot of people that have experienced some type of mystical dream and other people that think that it’s just a coincidence, but in the end it happens. The Bible says that dreams can be prophetic and I believe that. It made me feel better.

We finally got to the Law Library in Division 11. This was where we played the tournament. My first match was against the Brazilian team. I was informed by Instructor Korenman that we were winning 2 to 1. All we needed was a half a point to win the match. I changed my strategy and I started playing for a draw. I moved my King around the virtual chessboard, losing one piece after another, waiting for my opponent to run out of time. As soon as he took my last piece, the timer hit zero and everybody started celebrating.

We got the draw that we needed to get to 4th place. I was immediately approached by reporters to be interviewed. After the interviews, they had a press conference.

They mentioned how chess-playing prisoners were less likely than others to return to incarceration, and that in real-life situations, chess can teach you a different way of thinking and making a better decision.

This tournament was developed with the help of Russian grand master Anatoly Karpov conducted under the auspices of FIDE (the governing body of international chess competition). Karpov then mentioned that for the best player of the tournament he will reward him with a chess board. In that moment, the only thing that I was thinking was how fortunate that person will be. At that time I didn’t know who Anatoly Karpov was. Later on that day, I found out that he was the 12th World Chess Champion, something I couldn’t believe.

The tournament lasted two days. Russia ended up in first place. As a team we didn’t do that good, but we all learned something new from this experience. For me, this was a key moment in my life. This experience helped me to understand how anything is possible in this life and gave me more strength to keep fighting against life. The fact that any situation can change at any time gave me hope.

After the tournament, I talked to my family. My Dad was still in a delicate condition, but he was happy that he had seen me on the news.

He told me to keep praying and trust in God, something that really surprised me.

My Dad will go to church sometimes, but he will not talk to us about God, and sometimes he will even make fun of christians. It was clear to me that his relationship with God was not the best, but I had prayed for him before. A couple of weeks, after they told me that my dad suffered from a heart attack.

I had another one of these mystical dreams. In my dream, God was showing me that my Dad was going to die and I started crying. God told me,”Not to cry.” He said that my Dad was going to rest in peace. After that, I woke up and started praying for my Dad. I prayed that my Dad’s relationship with God, get stronger just in case something happens.

I was hoping that the dream was just a dream, but something inside me wouldn’t allow me to be in peace. I started calling my Dad more often, and everytime I’d ask about his health, he would say that he was better. The strange part is that, even though he will tell me that he was better, he would not come to visit me. He wouldn’t even pick up the phone on Mondays, so I had to ask him,”Why don’t you come to visit me no more?” He told me he couldn’t come on Monday’s no more, so then I asked him about not picking up my calls? He told me,”Look, I am busy on Mondays.”

I was hurt and I wanted an explanation, but my Dad was not going, he got mad and refused to give me one, so I just left it alone.

Some months passed by, it was a Thursday. Every Thursday in the chapel of division IX, Cook County jail instructor Mikhail Korenman would help us to improve our chess skills. I have learned a lot from this man. He showed me how to look at the board in a different way, I have learned openings and defenses.

Another thing I learned from him is that everything requires discipline. Before we started the class he made an announcement, he informed the class that I was awarded the prize for the best player of the 2019 international chess tournament for inmates, an event that is now called,”Chess for freedom,” I couldn’t believe it. I won the chess board. It was hard to believe that after Russia won, and after I had made a couple of mistakes in the tournament, I was still awarded with this prize and the fact that the chess board came from Grandmaster Anatoly Karpov, made it exceptional.

This was another lesson in life. No matter how bad your situation looks, or in what circumstances you are, at the end everything is controlled by a higher power.

This increased my faith in God, and gave me hope. After the class, I called my Dad and told him what had just happened. I could tell that he was happy and one more time he told me to trust God. My Dad’s relationship with God was stronger, I could tell by the way he would talk to me.

A couple of days later, I called to check on my Dad, but there was no answer. I tried calling the next day, and nothing. So, I called my family and I was informed by my Auntie that my Dad had suffered from another heart attack, but this time he didn’t make it. We both started crying, we talked a little bit and I called my Mom. My Mom was devastated, and didn’t know how to tell me. I told my mom that I already knew, and I wanted to know if she was ok. She said she was, but I could tell that she was hurt. I asked her if she got to say bye to him, she said,”Yes.” I asked her to tell me everything, and she did.

She said that after the Doctors found out that my Dad had suffered from the first two heart attacks, they told them that he was not going to make it. This hurt me even more, everybody knew my Dad was dying and nobody told me nothing.

Then My Mom started explaining to me that after my Dad got out the hospital, he started going to church every Monday, and his relationship with God got stronger.

Me and my Mom had a lot to talk about, but there was no more time. Another thing that I don’t understand about jail is the phone system. Most of the fights in CCDOC happen because of the phones. The fact that we have to share 4 phones with 48 inmates including me, makes no sense. I see this as a strategy,so we can stay divided. My Time on the phone was over, and even though we had a lot to talk about, I didn’t feel like fighting with nobody, and I had a lot to think about anyway. I told my Mom I will call her another day, and hung up.

I went to sit down on the table, where we used to have bible study. Trying to get myself together, I kept blaming my Dad for what had just happened. “Why didn’t he tell me he was dying? Why didn’t he want to tell me he was going to church? And why he didn’t say Goodbye to me?”

I had never experienced nothing like this before, I wish it would’ve been different.

When my Grandfather died, before he died he told me he was tired of going to the hospital, that he was ready to go and said,”Goodbye.” I started crying, and asked him if he was sure, he said,”Yes.” In that moment, I understood that this is what he wanted. This is what I was expecting from my Dad, and I kept blaming my Dad for the pain I was going through.

My Family kept blaming each other. It felt like it was my Dad who was keeping us together. Later on, I found out that it is normal for humans when they lose a loved one, to blame somebody for their loss. This explains what was going on with my family and with me. We all love my Dad, and suffered when he died.

Being incarcerated is not easy, especially when the justice system is not perfect.

Now I see things differently, I still miss my Dad, but now I understand that nothing is a coincidence that all our troubles, suffering, and mistakes sharpen the person that we are today. We shall learn from each one of these, and try to make the best of our situation. Always remembering that God is with us in every stage of our lives.

Memoir by Emmaunel Garcia I want to dedicate this memoir to my Daughter Priscilla, who I love and miss with all my heart.

I Am From Poem Emmanuel Garcia I am from the land of equal opportunity where millions of kids are lacking a good education I am from the land of ethics where evil is being overlooked.

I am from the land of democracy where millions of people are skillfully injected with fear and inferiority.

I am from the land of civilization where the only justified power and violence is from the government.

I am from the land of justice where fairness only arises between parties of equal strength.

I am from the land of freedom where millions of people are incarcerated.

I am from the land of human rights Where you are innocent until proven guilty but Punished until you prove you’re innocent.

I am from the land of accountability where judges and prosecutors get immunity.

I am Emmanuel Garcia from the proletarian people..

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