Pops Used To Say...
E. Johnson
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.
Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.
While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.
This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.
E. Johnson Pops Used To Say...
There’s always another door, and if not, another key can always be made. Why my pops used to hit me with this phrase, used to really confuse me. It was as if we were in the matrix, and he was Morpheus. Saying things that were layered and should be taken beyond surface value.
The meaning to this often used phrase never came. Imagine being in a state of ignorance, to where the answer to your question could be given simply, and never receive it. Welcome to my current existence.
“Open the door," I said to my lady while standing in the cold. She knew I was out there cause I saw her peep out the curtains when I got out of the car. Once inside, we sat and had a quick conversation about our next few weeks.
At the time I had given up my apartment and moved into hers to save money. Her idea this was. Seemed to make sense logically and financially, because I was always at her place. We both felt it was no reason to be paying rent at a place not being used.
It had only been three months since the move when this amazing job offer fell into my lap. Pops used to say “Never move in with a woman unless your name is on the lease”. I guess I didn’t understand this either due to me doing the exact opposite
I’ve been offered a job in another state with housing help if I decided to accept the position. She wasn’t entertaining this idea much. She did not want to relocate, and it was very obvious.
The job salary was more than mine and hers combined at the time, so I couldn’t understand why she just acted as if her mind was made up and gave up consideration to this new and promising proposition.
I started noticing her becoming moody. Switching up her attitude, more often by the second month of me being there. Small things became big and big things would escalate to all out chaos.
We had never argued in the two years we were together, and it caught me off guard every single time. One night my current jobs power went down, and I was told not to go into work. We would be paid for the day, so I was glad for the inconvenience.
I cleaned the house, cooked a nice meal, and had a hot bath drawn for my lady who I was expecting to come in any minute.
The day before I couldn’t find a park in the front of the apartment and had to park around the corner. I’m guessing this was the reason why I could hear her walking into the place talking to a man.
They were laughing at something he said then he noticed the stove on and food simmering. Before they could dart back out the door, I had already stepped out of the room armed.
Pops used to say “A man should always keep just for emergencies.” The looks on their faces revealed the shock in their minds.
They were frozen and I can tell that they expected me to be gone to work. Not seeing my car outside I’m sure it led them to believe that the coast was clear. Standing there with a gun in my hand staring at her and the guy that I had once called my good friend had me seeing red. Before anyone could move or speak, my mind gave me a thought. That was the reason I didn’t do something that would put me behind bars.
Just in that instant I thought about how Pops used to just spit out game randomly. Sometimes not knowing why or where it came from, it ended up being something heavy enough to sit on my mind, and in my heart.
He said “The game is going to be played whether you play it or not.” For some reason, those words relaxed me and I could feel the tension leaving my body. Lowering the gun I turned to go back into the room and pack my things.
I heard the front door open, then close again. Hoping they both left while I packed, I quickly realized that I didn’t get my wish. Her footsteps heading my direction gave that away. She stood at the door, staring into my eyes and asked me only one question. When her lips finished moving from that misplaced inquiry, I gave her a disgusted look.
Remaining silent I just continue to gather my belongings. She then turned on her heels and headed out the door of the apartment. At that moment, our relationship was over. While leaving the place with my things, I noticed the words “What are you doing here, I thought you had to work” kept going around and around in my head. So many other questions or statements could have been spoken, but they weren’t.
All the words she could have used she chose those. I just shook my head and left.
My phone pinged, notifying me of a message I got on my Facebook page attached. Taken aback by seeing who messaged me because it came from out of nowhere. Laying on my mom ’ s couch I sat up right before opening the thread.
It had been a week since the day I left my now ex and here I get a message from her best friend asking me to give her a call. She had mentioned that it was important to call ASAP then left her number. I started wondering if something had happened to my ex. An accident or maybe something else along the lines of an emergency.
Me and her friend have always been cordial, Enjoyed plenty of group conversations and laughs so I didn’t feel as if I was being set up. When she answered she assured me that nothing had happened to my ex and that she was trying to check on me.
Lowering my guard, she informed me on how my ex had told her or the ordeal and how much she hated my ex for it. Going on and on about how she had always heard how good of a guy I was to her and she did not appreciate it. Seeing me always be a gentleman, respectful, caring, and she does not do right by me.
She also mentioned how she had been cheating on me with that guy for a while and told her that she enjoyed having two men treat her like a queen. Before I let her continue, I questioned why she was telling this. What she had to gain and why would she betray her friend by disclosing this information?
That’s when her voice got softer. I almost thought I could hear her sobbing while trying to speak. Finally, I was able to gather the rest of what had been burdening her enough to cry over the phone.
How she always liked me and felt an attraction to me. How hearing about all the time she had lied to me and deceived me to be with the other guy made her sick to her stomach.
She admitted that she and my ex are no longer friends after finding out what happened the week prior. She wanted me to know that she never approved of my ex ' s actions but her loyalty was to her friend and not me. I didn’t like hearing her say these things, but I respected her for being honest.
Just a few days after I left my ex ’ s place I accepted the new position in another state. Arrangements were being made for me to relocate and all my possessions. I expected those arrangements to take a few weeks and in the meantime, me and my ex ’ s friends spent a lot of time together. She knew of the offer I accepted, and was very happy for me.
Knowing I’d be leaving soon, we tried to see each other as much as we possibly could. I enjoyed her, and even though she was a friend of my ex, and had been aware of the betrayal against me. I still wanted to see her.
One random morning. I woke up to an email with my completed relocation itinerary. It gave the times and dates that everything will transpire for the big move. I told the friend of the news and she congratulated me. Although I’m sure she meant it, her vibe seemed a little off. I had only three more days to get my affairs in order before I left for my new life in a new state.
I planned to see family, friends, and spend the remaining time with her. She said I can see her later that day, and I left her place. After trying that night and the next day to see her with no luck, I just figured our time was done and to start moving on with my life. I finally got invited back to her place, and when I walked in, I saw all her things packed in boxes, huge bags, and totes.
Seeing the confused look on my face she pulled me to the couch and sat me down. Looking me in the eyes she told me that she is moving to the same place as I am. How she made up her mind that she didn’t want our time together to be for nothing, and that if I didn’t want her to live in the place provided for me, she will get her own. I hugged her tight as I could.
I’ve never had guessed that she would end up being someone I consider having a future with. I told her to just come with me. Yes, it was fast and spur of the moment, but it felt so right.
Here it is three years later, we are together and very happy. I took a risk on her, possibly betraying my trust like my ex did. She had been everything I’ve ever wanted and more. And to think, all of this came from a bad situation that I was in. Had I not found out about my ex and her cheating, her friend getting fed up about how I was being treated, and that same friend agreeing to relocate with me and pursue a relationship I would not be here with my wife.
Now I understand pops when he used to say “There’s always another door, and if not, another key can always be made.”
Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb
