Finally Living
Gilberto Sanchez
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African Proverb
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.
Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.
While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.
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Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter
Gilberto Sanchez Finally Living
Before you read this story I want you to know that I'm not perfect, no one's perfect on this earth, but I always learn from my mistakes and do better. I grew up in the southside of Chicago in a society where gangbanging is a fucked up problem and where the cops treat us all like shit even though it is our hard working families that pay taxes.
It’s not easy living in this community. I’ve been shot multiple times. I lost a lot of friends and became a victim of drug abuse. I’ve experienced life in detention, incarceration and separation from family. This story you're about to read is about a young teen lost in the life of the streets and finding his way to becoming a Grown man.
It was the early 2000s when I woke up one morning feeling very energetic. I must have gotten a good sleep or dreamed about this one girl I saw at my new school. Whatever the case, I was happy to be alive.
I hopped up out of my bed and walked to the bathroom. As I'm walking I hear my mother’s mariachi music blasting through the house and see my sister dancing through the house with the broom like she was performing at her Quinceanera. I cracked a laugh and she pretended to be sweeping like I didn't see that.
I hit the shower, brushed my grill and got myself together. As I'm finishing up, I hear my mom’s music die out and hear some strangers talking in my living room I was
At first I didn't know what to say. The only words that came out was “Hey” a very awkward “Hey." My mind was like you got the wrong house or I must be dreaming. They responded "long time no see” and my mind quickly flashed back to reality. My 4 classmates from elementary school are here and I don't know why.
I don't even know these guys like that? How did they even know where I lived? I guess they did their homework on me. It must be important. I said "cool, can you guys wait for me outside while I get ready?" One of them said “no problem" and the rest followed suit and stepped out.
Instantly I run to my room, put my clothes on and go to my mom and asked her “why in the hell would you let these guys in the house? I don't even know them, they’re not my friends. I seen them at school but never associated.” She told me “I thought they were your friends ” I told her don’t worry I'm sure they mean no harm I'll go and see what this is a
We had the same classes but that doesn't mean come knocking on my door a year later on a random Friday trying to talk. As I approached them on my porch I hadn't even said a word when the tallest one said, “we come in peace.” Those words immediately sent red flags to my brain thinking why wouldn’t you come in peace. I said,“cool, well how can I help you? What's up?” The same tall guy says, “we apologize if we came by surprise, but we heard you’re going to Gage Park HS now and your hanging with our opps and since you live in our side of the hood that's a problem and so we’re here to let you decide you either become a member of ours or get the fuck out our hood. You got till tonight to decide.”
I didn't even get a chance to speak when they got on their bikes and started riding. I actually went across the street and knocked on my homie Darvin’s window. His sister Diamond opened the door and she looked at me up and down. She screamed and said, “This white boy looking for you.” In my mind I'm like damn I wish I was white, I probably wouldn't be having these problems living in these trenches. My boy finally came out with a blunt in his mouth. I was happy to see that I needed the stress reliever.
We said wassup to each other while walking to the backyard to spark up walking through the gangway. My boy looked at me and said, “why the long face?” I hit the blunt a couple times until I finally explained to him the whole situation. He told me life ain't always what it seems in the streets. Sometimes you gotta choose a side and I rapidly said I choose our side. We’re homies till the world blows. Y’all with me or not? There was a long pause until he finally said yeah. Of course I got your back, but IDK what the others will say about starting a war with these guys. We share hoods and on top of that we do business with them. Later that day more of our older homies come over and had the same conversation.
However I was very disappointed with the answers I was getting. It was like I was a nobody to them. They didn't care. All they cared was about their business with them and not starting no war over me. All I wanted was their support to protect me and back me down as friends that grew up together should do, but no. Actually one of the oldest was the one we all listen to. He really let me have it. He said, “listen shorty, to be honest you’re Mexican and this ain’t yo place. This ain’t yo playground. You might as well do what they say and go with them.” That's when I felt the blow. It was like being stabbed in my lungs with a sword begging for air like a fish out of the ocean, no water, just the hot steaming sun. . . Of course I left.
The walk of shame was sad. I put my head down and started walking home. I felt defeated. I went in my backyard and picked up my basketball and started hooping. While shooting the ball I began to think what the fuck am I going to do? I definitely can't do what they say. I don't even know them. I'm not even going to become no one’s send off. As I hear the ball bounce in my head, I also hear the back door open from the house. It was my cousin Jesus. I called him Jmoney. He said throw the ball. I threw it at him and from where he was standing, he made the shot. It was like the last second shot from half court, far away, all swish. He was good but I always challenged myself to do better. If I was to rate him he was like the Mexican Paul Pierce. We shot up a V and started playing.
A wh do po sh g y y g g felt a little less worried but to be honest not all the way. Because I have heard stories about these guys and they’re definitely not nice ones. Anyways, time pretty much flew by. It was like 10 o’clock, dark outside and you could see the moon, light as day, and feel the soft wind roaring through the hairs on your arms. Or maybe it was just me being nervous and feeling the world slowly going through me and my crazy life. Sure enough, seconds later, I hear my name being hollered in front of my house. Me and my cousin just looked at each other and I gave him that “I told you so” look. I went walking to the gangway.
When one of the hoodlum boys started shooting at the front windows of the house. I ducked and turned around running to the back door and me and cuz managed to get in. My uncle was in the living room right by the windows thankfully he didn't get shot as all this was happening anger grew in me. I wanted to shoot back. I wanted to show my face and yell at them and tell them they’re dead men walking but my cousin held my back. My uncle came outside with his shotgun and blew a couple of times. I guess they scattered away because when I went outside no one was out there. The cops showed up and questioned my uncle and us. I told them I didn't see anything and my uncle pretty much handled the rest. I wonder who called the cops. It was probably our nosy ass neighbors always getting in people’s business.
This day turned out to be one of the worst days I can remember. My childhood homies backed down on me and some strangers are tryna kick me out of my own house. I was furiously mad at the world. I was mad at God. I was asking why me, why now. The next morning my uncle woke me up talking all this shit saying I'm turning up like my oldest cousin Martin. I call him Money town. He used to be a ULO, a United Latino Organization brother and I guess he used to bring the same drama to the house. So he was telling me I was just like him, becoming the black sheep of the family, following his steps and he don’t want that in this house.
So I read between the lines and figured out that if this continued I was eventually gonna be put out. So I was even more worried now. So I guess yesterday wasn't my worst day. It's only getting worse by the day. Halloween was a day away and I really wasn’t looking forward to it, even though that was my favorite holiday. I would save up and buy 2 24-packs of eggs and purposely throw them at bystanders on the block. But this year I had no more friends, so chilling in the crib that night was the plan until my lil sis ruined it. Sad to say but I guess it wasn't really her fault. She didn't know what was going on. All she wanted was her trick or treat so she told my mom and my mom told me of course to take her trick or treating.
So I had no choice. Plus I said, “fuck it I ain’t afraid of nobody. I’m ready sis let’s go.” Sure enough as I’m walking down the block I see my big sis’ friends throwing eggs at cars. I go and meet up and hang with them while my lil sis hits the block. They load me up and there I go tossing eggs at random cars enjoying myself. When my sis was finished we hit the next block and the next block until my lil sis bag was full. As we were walking back on the other sidewalk across from me from the corner of my eye I spotted the same guys that were at my house shooting. I immediately told my sister, “when I say run, run as fast as you can home. Okay?” she nodded her head and said “OK.”
I was cold, cocked and ready for whatever. They managed to spot me and come my way. I told my sister calmly, “run sis, run! I'll be ok run!” She ran about a quarter of the block and sat on the pump and waited to see my nightmare come crawl into action. About 9 of them surrounded me and they started talking shit, saying “you an opp living in our hood! We asked around and they told us you don't want to be with us. So what's it gonna be?”
“Y’all got me fucked up! I ain’t nobody’s opp and you heard right. I’m not turning out shit, do what you got to do.” It was then when I felt the first jab and the rest was pretty ugly. All I remember was seeing stars and a big gun pointed at my head. For some reason he kept hitting me with it and not shooting me. I'm guessing he didn't because there was too many people around. Whatever the case may be, I'm grateful. Thank God for that, because if he did shoot I wouldn't be here telling you this story.
I opened my eyes and seen my lil sis telling me to get up and get home. I was 2 blocks away and as I was walking there I told my sister please don’t tell mom what just happened. She promised me not to tell. So I tried to cover all my bruises, but I couldn't really do much. Eventually my mom spotted my big ass bumps on my forehead. So I made up a lie and told her the police did it, since they were usually beating everyone in the hood. But my mom was always smarter than that. She put 2 and 2 together and figured it was the guys from the other night. She prayed and comforted me as a mother should, but none of that was helping. My dad was never around so it wasn't like he was gonna do something about it. My cousins already had their own problems. I'm pretty sure I was the least of their problems. I had to figure out my own way and fast.
The next couple days my big sis and I would walk to our school Gage Park HS. The first day was pretty hectic. Someone got killed that morning right in the front steps of the main entrance. Every other day gang fights occurred. However the girls were pretty gorgeous, if you ask me and that's what motivated me to keep going. Plus I became very popular, I guess I'm a people’s person. Everyone liked to kick it with me. I used to sell candy and juices. My godmother and godfather used to go to Sam’s Club and buy all the good kind and load me up, no charge. I love them to death. I made a killing mostly with the variety of gum I had in stock. Some kids forgot to brush their teeth some mornings and I was there to save the day with some double mint or spearmint.
I really liked my H.S., especially my new friends and customers. Some would even buy me out just so I could kick it with them. One day as I'm walking home from school I notice a black Chevy Impala slowly creeping by. I was raised to always be alert, so I stopped and looked directly at it. Sure enough the driver turned out to be one of the same dudes that put their hands on me a few weeks back. Immediately I began to run. The car began to chase me. Two got out the back seats and chased on foot, but I was too fast. I was half a block away. I quickly went to someone's gangway and hid in their backyard. I sat on the floor to catch my breath then a couple seconds later I heard footsteps getting close. I got up to start running again when I noticed it wasn't those guys, it was a friend I met in H.S. He looked at me weird and said, “what are you doing in my backyard, bro?”
It was a pretty awkward moment. I explained what happened, apologized and tried to dismiss myself. But he insisted for me to stay. I was embarrassed at the whole situation, but to my surprise bro was pretty cool about it. He actually started to share his problems and relate. I thought I was the only one with these problems but I guessed wrong. I finally didn’t feel alone. For once me and him became best friends and his brothers were cool, too. Before I knew it I had a whole new set of friends that actually had my back. We did a lot of things together.
We were being pretty bad outside of school. Almost every day we would fight guys twice our age that would come up there searching for trouble. Like always it was a normal thing in Gage Park. I honestly feel like it was a gladiator school. I had the most fights in my life there. One day it got so bad that I got hit with a hammer on my head during a brawl. I ended up at Holy Cross Hospital for 2 days. I remember being there and the room next to mines was another student from my same school wounded from a stab to his back. Maybe me being expelled a few months later was for the best.
I learned a lot through the years. Life ain't always what it seems. You gotta find your way through it and never give up. Find your glow. I found mines, it was money and girls. I met this girl in school I really liked and settled down with her. I was sprung in love. Her name was Nevaeh. Me and her did everything together watched almost every new movie, went to all the parties, all the places I could think of. I introduced her to my family and she and I were planning on getting married one day. I promised to leave the streets after one of our best friends passed away due to gun violence. SMH I never regret my decision. If anything I am so happy she came to my life. She was like an angel that came from (HeaveN, NevaeH). I will always have love for you no matter where you are. Her parents convinced her to move out with them to wherever they moved.
I wasn't going to chase her. I figured if she cared about me she would have reached out. That never happened. I decided to go back to the streets. Every other day someone I knew died. I started doing drugs for the pain, but it only made it worse.
One day I was home with my cousin and I overdosed on heroin. Good thing he was there to call the cops on time. The only thing I remember was seeing 2 paramedics, 2 police officers and 2 firefighters in my room hugging and the female one was crying of joy because they brought me back. Apparently I was gone for a long time and I made it. Miracle I was lost and in shock. It changed a lot of me that day. I almost lost my life and I felt selfish not for me, but for my family. I decided to stop doing drugs and leave the street life. I started working as a cable technician at WOW, a cable company on the southside of Chicago. I became such a good worker that they promoted me to work downtown for RCN. I installed cable through the whole skyline of Chicago.
Hanging with my homies from school and doing the things I did, the stuff I liked, now I realize I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t who I really wanted to be. I was lost in the street life with a cold heart, chasing drugs and not living how a young teen should be living.
I reminisce about my life and the thing I regret was that I didn’t spend any time with my mother. I hardly even knew myself, let alone her or my other siblings. I am making sure now that I spend more time with them. And really get to know the real me. I’m becoming a person I never thought I’d ever get to see, going through those problems as a kid.
In those cold streets I experienced a lot of shit and seen a lot of close friends die. I'm glad and thankful I'm still alive. I wish to express my deep affection to Nevaeh for keeping me away from the streets and to the dedication of those paramedics bringing me back and helping me realize I got a lot more to live for. I really was careless. I lived my days like they were my last, not caring about the consequences of the people around me that was there the whole time. I wanna give a shout out to all those people that ever looked out for me. I'll always remember and appreciate everything you guys done for me. I wanna thank most of all my mother for trying to raise me the best she could even though I was a pain in the ass. I wanna thank my father now that I'm more in tune with now that I’m grown.
If I was to give a message to all the sons and daughters that's going through what I went through, I will say don't give up. Find someone to talk to. Believe me there's always a way, but violence is not the answer. I lost a lot of friends to the system, because they felt they had no other choice. I am here to tell you that there is a better choice. You just got to get out there and find yours. Don’t miss out on the opportunities, explore! There's more this world can give you than just the things or places you know. The key to success is to learn new things.
Be real, be happy and be nice. Karma is real. I’m out.
Since you ask, I guess I’ll tell you why I am so nice
Bc I was raised being nice
Bc I like being nice
Bc I like to be treated the same
Bc the world would be better if everyone was nice
Bc nobody likes petty people
Bc karma is real
Bc yes is better than no
Bc someone has to be nice
Bc nice is better than mean
Bc I won't be who I am if I'm not nice
Gilberto Sanchez
I Am From
I am from Gage Park. From basketball and milk crates. I am from block parties, open fire hydrants And paleta man. I am from 63rd to 31’s Lake Michigan Beach, From tacos and wings. I’m from Kito’s and Guadalupe. From streets to break dancing at the center, And from trouble, to risk taking to, learning. I’m from do it again until you get it right son, And from any item spankings. I’m from Catholic Churches, to Story Catchers to ConTextos. I’m from the Southside Of Chicago.
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Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb