What I Can't Control by Jahrod Jean

What I can't Control

African Proverb

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.

While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.

This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.

Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter

-

Jahrod Jean What I Can't Control

MasterP saidthereis nolimitationsto one's success aslongastheydreambig.

Looking at my third grade self in the mirror thinking this is my third black eye this school year. Wondering how can I hide this from my mother but my skin is so high yellow it'll be impossible. I tried to defend myself but the kid was way bigger than me.

Was I being bullied because of my small frame or was it the learning problem I had? But thinking back, was it really a learning problem or was the pace too fast?

When I was growing up my uncle was pretty much my father figure even though my dad was involved when he wasn't in jail.

Now that I'm older and teach myself things, I see the problem wasn't really with me. It was probably the way things were taught.

I don't hate you for bullying me, you actually help build me up and make me tougher and stronger.

When I was growing up my uncle was pretty much my father figure even though my dad was involved when he wasn't in jail.

I remember my dad came home and took me and my siblings to the pool if only we could have more days like that. My brother kept jumping in and they said if he did it again we have to leave. My brother being rebellious jumped in again and my dad hit him in the chest. That scared me and I told him to take me home.

I told my mom what happened. When he called and asked if I wanted to hang with him, I said I was good. I didn't want to be his next victim. My mother never hit me and I wasn't going to allow myself to go through that even though it only happened one time to my brother.

After that I didn't hear from him and I was wondering why he didn't come looking for me but come and find out he was doing some time and I wouldn't be seeing him for 8 years. Me and my siblings never saw each other and over these 6 years it was like we didn't know each other. I'm the oldest on my dad and mom ' s side. The siblings on my dad’s side are closer in age and on my mom ' s side are way younger, so I always been with my cousins growing up. We were like sisters and brothers and did everything together.

When my dad came home from doing those 8 years, it was Memorial Day and my cousins were all at my house. My aunt and mom were barbecuing and we decided to walk to the park. As we were walking someone was calling my name and getting closer. He was bald and a darker version of me.

As he got closer, I took off running in the opposite direction as fast as I could. I didn't know why I did that, and now that I'm older I know I hurt my father's feelings, but he never talked about that day. My cousins ended up getting his number and my mom got in contact with him. I didn't know how to express myself then.

If I could go back in time and change it, I would.

We got closer my years in high school and my dad was buying me nice things but what I really wanted was your time. You said you were on your way and you never came, and that hurts. The older I got I knew what it was like to roadrun. One hit turns into two and before you know it your whole day is gone. Was I selfish for wanting a few minutes of your time to show you what I accomplished? But who am I to blame when I ran from you.

It's Memorial Day 2015. Pops having a get together and going over business plans. He just invested in a studio. Hard work does pay off.

He's introducing me to his so-called friends like a prize possession, making me feel important. Telling them how wise and golden I am.

None of my siblings are there, and me and my pops are having a good time. It's like he knew he was going to die that night. The day turns to night fast. He tells me to go home and I really didn't want to leave because it felt like the best day of my life. Crazy how close we lived but I only saw him a few times out of the week.

I'm getting ready for school the day after Memorial Day and my mom hugs me and hands me the phone with a sad look on her face. It was my uncle on the other end. He breaks the news to me. My father was shot in his neck last night and he didn't make it.

We were running from each other and when we got close you left me for good.

It’s 2023. I'm in the county fighting for my life. I start trial May 22nd and should hear my verdict May 26th. It's not Memorial Day but it's close. Wish you could be there. When life keeps beating you up, you have to keep fighting.

I never finished a book until I was locked up in a place like this. You have to keep your spirits high. Dad left me but God found me. This is my first time fasting and I feel close to god. Crazy it took something like this to realize the man upstairs is really real and so is manifestation. I made it to a program deck and now I'm able to work on my inner peace. I needed this right before the biggest days of my young life. God is good.

Jahrod Jean

I Am From

I am from the North Pole. From Magnolia and Wilson.

I am from Cubs fans screaming, Chicago deep dish pizza.

I am from Montrose Beach, Where bums and wino's cover the streets.

I’m from mom ' s home cooking and dad's distant love. From phones ringing, trap house banging, And from genuine and humbleness.

I’m from sit back, listen and learn.

I am from Chiraq, the mud and trenches, From to be aware is to be alive.

I am from inner peace, positivity, visions and vibrations

From earths, stars and moons.

I am from the universe

Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb