Keep Fighting
Jameel
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people who are at risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives. Since January 2017, ConTextos has collaborated with the Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Division X of Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narrative about violence and peace-building, and help author a hopeful future for these men, their families, and our collective communities. While each memoir's text is solely the work of the Author, the images used to create this book's illustrations have been sourced from various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering, and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into fully illustrated books. In collaboration with
Keep Fighting Jameel Handcox
ld so to ar ye high ing 25 d ry m an le t I a de circ d a an gr os o, 8th ext T bo Ta from Con is e ted in am ua ere in. y n rad g h be . M I g ttin ly ife s. si ssib y l ay m m y w ut I’ n po g b ca gin e m e, sI an ng eg ch cha coll clas I’m to to ery ow ing go n ev i t h r y to t ou jail ted roll n ab g y in an o e itin ntl r w y t wr urre eve . I tr I’m d c l. I n self an hoo my sc tter be
My mind is everywhere. I got so much shit I can write about. But I’m going to write about how I’m changing my life.
Growing up, I liked school from first grade to eighth grade. I remember when I first went to school with my older sister on my dad’s side. I was so thirsty. I was the first person dressed in my yellow shirt and blue pants. I was the first person to eat breakfast. I remember telling my older sister to hurry up ‘cause I’m ready to go to school. On our way to school, we were waiting on her friends and that shit was pissing me off ‘cause I’m like “I’m gonna be late for my first day at school.”
As we arrived at Fort Dearborn, my sister walked me through the front door to the cafeteria to get breakfast where they were serving Super Donuts, eggs and waffles. After we sit down and eat, I’m just looking around seeing all these kids get excited. Now the bell rings. My sister and friends get up, and are finna leave to get to the class. I get up with her, and she tells me I have to stay here and wait for the teacher to get me.
I sit back, ready with my head down. My sister pays no attention to me and leaves with her friends. I got all types of emotions going through me. Damn, I was happy to go to school. Now I’m scared and sad ‘cause I’m all alone. Next thing I know, a teacher is sitting down next to me and asking me what is wrong. I tell her my sister left me. She asks me who my sister is and what my name is. I tell her Secily Handcox and my name is Jaleel Handcox.
I see that she recognizes the name from all the trouble and problems my sister has caused with her constant fighting and acting crazy in school and cursing out the teachers and being in LD.
Now she tells me to cheer up, everything is going to be ok and let’s get ready to go to class. I line up with the rest of the students that’s in my class. Now we start walking to class on the first floor with our bookbags on. I’m just ready to get home and I tell my parents that I don’t want to go to school no more. Growing up, my parents always told me not to talk to strangers. So going to this class with the teacher and other students who, in my mind, are strangers is weird as hell to me. My parents make me go back to school even though I tell them I don’t like it with all them damn weirdos there.
So, a couple of months pass and I start to make friends and get to know the teacher. Plus gym class was the best.
I’m enjoying school. It flies by fast. Now, I’m in the fifth grade and I have all A’s and B’s in class. My teacher, Mrs. Strammk, is my biggest motivation. She encourages me to do homework and classwork, telling me how smart I am and if I could put my mind to it, I can do anything I want to. So, school is still going on and I'm steady getting in trouble for fighting and talking back to teachers. I got put out of class one day for punching one of my classmates in the nose for not shutting up cause I was trying to do some work.
While I’m sitting in the Dean’s office thinking, “Shit, things have changed. My older sister is not getting in trouble. I’m getting in trouble.” Walking into Fort Dearborn, the only thing that’s starting to make me mad is I’m in my older sister’s shadow with all the trouble I’m getting in. The only reason they won't put me in LD is because of my grades.
But I knew I wasn’t my sister. I was myself. Kids always get in trouble. I got my stuff in order with all the whoopings I got from my mother.
Now, I'm just focusing on my school work and staying out of trouble, cause we have a placement test and Constitution test which will tell if you are going to the next grade. To be prepared, I ask my favorite teacher if she can help me after school on everything. She says no problem.
The tests come and I pass everything. I'm happy and glad and can’t wait for school to start back. I’ll be in sixth grade and the teachers all know me and my friends are cool.
Before school could start again, my Mother drops a bombshell on me. We are moving and I'm going to a new school called Gresham, whic h is located right across the street from our new house.
New house, new rules, new kid on
the block and new kid in the sch
ool.
My first day of school was so weird.
I didn’t know anybody and they were just staring at me. So, I walk to the basketball court where the kids are not playing and pick up the basketball and start to shoot around and play by myself. Now, while I'm shooting the ball ,the other kids on the other side of the court ask me do I want to play teams with them. I said yes. While we are playing basketball, we win and the school bell rings.
Grabbing my things and heading towards the school, the kids I was playing ball with ask me where I'm from. I tell them the 90s. They ask what school I used to go to. I tell them Fort Dearborn. They ask me what class I'm in. I tell them. They tell me they all in the same class as me. Now I follow them to class. They are telling me their names, which are Chris, who is the short guy who likes to crack jokes, and William, who is the black guy who looks like he mixed with a fro on his head, and last but not least this guy called Robert, who was a tall guy with a lil ass afro. We became cool as hell after that day.
Now later down the road, hanging with the friends I had, I got into trouble still and didn’t pay attention in no class. While I was failing classes, my math teacher pulled me to the side and told me I have to get my stuff in order. He tells me about how my grades used to be all A’s and B’s at my last school, and how I was passing in the beginning and do I want to repeat the same grade. I told him no, I'm getting my things together.
Next day at school I’m on top of my work, getting extra work from teachers and seeing how I can pass with decent grades. Going home and sitting at the table with all this work to catch up on, my lil cuzin is trying to throw me off. He is steady calling my name and asking me to play the game with him. The only thing going thru my brain is my mother gone beat my ass if I fail, so I tuck my head in and get to the big pile of work I got. Now my mother and Auntie walk in, and they surprised to see me at the table doing homework. I look up, then look back down at my homework. The next day at school, I turn in some of my homework and my teachers are surprised, too. I didn’t turn everything in, but it was a start. I had a week to turn the rest in. I passed to the next grade.
Attending Gresham as an eig hth grader was the best feeling ever. The only thing going thr mind was, “I’m grown I don’t u my care what nobody say to me.” My first day of school went by I was always in trouble. I got fast. into a couple of fights, even wit h two of the guys I was cool over some stupid shit. My gra wit h des were lower than a mf; I wa sn’t passing no class but my class. Around this time, I was ma th ready to get my shit together. My Mom was on my back hea telling me I better pass the eig vy, hth grade. I was always in det ention, but while I’m in there, trying to do all my school wo I’m rk and home work. By the tim e it's time to get our report car passed with all C’s and D’s but ds, I I had a F in science. Fuck, now I got to go to summer school .
When my Mom found out I had to go to summer school, all hell broke lose. I come in the house and tell her I have to go to summer school. She cursed me out and told me I’m smarter than that, all I want to be is a clown.
Starting summer school, I was mad as hell having to get up every morning to get on the bus to Simeon high school from my Grandparents house. Ah, yeah, we moved back to my old hood, and it still wasn’t the same when I arrived at Simeon. There were a lot of schools having eighth graders go there for summer school, plus the high schoolers that already went there. While I’m walking into the school, I see some of the guys from around the way. We kicked it and everything. Now it’s time for class. We split up to go our separate ways. I make it to the first class, and it’s packed.
My mind was made up- “I can’t fuck up . I have to pass.” Th everything out and re e teacher comes in an ady. Summer school d has goes by, and I pass. school I want to go to Now it’s time to choo . I choose Corliss. se what high
My first day at Corliss was bussin. Some of my homies that went to Fort Dearborn were going to Corliss, too, and we would meet up and go to school together. Now, on our way to school, you know I got to be a clown. I’m on the bus acting a fool, people looking, me and the guys laughing. When we make it to the Redline, we see some more of the guys from 87th. They were all going to Harlem, so they would wait with us til our bus came, or we would walk to they school getting high or just to kickin it with the females.
Now as school started, we get our schedules and meet our dean and pick what program we want to be in. I pick fast track. Now on my way to my first class, which was called Freshman Seminar, I ran into one of the teachers that stays in the hood; he cool. We get into it with each other, talk shit to each other. Now, my math teacher is a fool. That was my favorite class. Her name was Mrs. P. She was a black lady from the hood with an overbite and she liked to crack jokes. During class, we used to crack jokes and do math all class period. She really pushed me to stay in school and to keep going. Now I passed every class my freshman year. Mom was happy but I’m still saying fuck it.
My second year at Corliss was Ok. I had new teachers and they were pushing me to challenge myself because all my old teachers were telling them that I was smart but I had a bad temper and always played a lot and got distracted quick. I passed all my classes that year, with some ups and downs with fights and detentions. My Junior year I said fuck all my classes. I’m just going to do a little homework. I was failing bad my junior year; all I wanted to do was hang in the hallways and kick it with my homies and some of the females that wasn’t shit. Now I'm falling behind, ironically passing a couple of classes like math and reading and spanish and history cause I used to sit next to the Mexican girl.
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Senior year of high school: I was still the class clown. In order for me to graduate on time with the other classes I didn’t need, they gave me science over, and reading. I was mad as hell I had to do that class over; I’m a senior and I’m in a class with juniors. I was determined to pass, so I stuck with it. I didn’t miss no days or class or act a fool. I had to take night school which was cool with me and I passed. When I got my grades and seen I was going to graduate on time, I was happy to show my Mother I wasn’t stupid. My Dean at the time was proud of me and other teachers were telling me they knew I could do it if I just stay focused.
Prom comes around and I’m the happiest person alive. The only thing on my mind is I’m finna walk across this stage and make my family proud. Around the time we supposed to rehearse and we supposed to get our diplomas, I injure myself, breaking my ankle so I couldn’t go to the rehearsal. I was stuck on bed rest. I was mad. What I worked hard for now I can’t rehearse. I had my Mom call up to the school and tell them what happened to me and they say, “Ok, we just gone have him sit on the stage.” Graduation day comes. My family is there, plus my girl. I’m happy, plus I’m thinking, like, “I’m not going back to school, period. I just did 8 years in Grammar school, then 4 more years in high school.”
After I graduate, I’m just hanging around with the guys not doing shit with my life, getting in trouble, all type of dumb shit. Now around this time my Cousin Christopher was in the Air Force, and he was talking to me about doing something with my life. Now all I’m thinking about is doing something with myself. A lot of peop le who grew up with me were dying like flies, and all my peers around me was telling me to do something with myself. So, I grab one of my buddies and tell him we can do the Buddy plan with the Army. He was ok with it, too. So, we go see a recruiter and ask about the Buddy plan. Me and my Buddy go to take the ASVAB. I’m three points off and my Buddy is 5 point s off. So, we start studying, but shit went downhill after that. My homie caught a pistol case and I got away. I was coming to see him and shit, giving his girl money- all types of shit. After he got locked up, I just said fuck the Army. I'm post on the block and shit.
Later down the road, I was getting into too much shit. My people sent me down south with my Aunt and Pops and my Uncle on my Grandmother’s side that I didn't know I had. While I was down south, I didn’t like it at all. I was stuck in the Anniston/Ox ford part of Alabama. As soon as I got down there, my Pops picks me up blasting some damn R. Kelly. All I could do was shake my head and ask myself Wtf did I get myself into? My pops hops out the car with some sandals on and some long ass Phat Farm shorts and a tank top. I couldn’t stop laughing at him.
He gives me a hug an d tells me to throw my stuff in the back. Now Greyhound station. I en we’re leaving the joy the ride. There are all the woods and mo arrive at my Auntie’s ho untains and stores. W use, which is littler than e a mug, with chairs on big backyard with two the front porch and a dogs. One they call Lu lu after my Auntie Laua There’s a front room wi n. I walk in the house. th a big flat screen, th en my Pop’s room and outside the bathroom mi nes, which is right . I’m pissed. I really do n’t have any privacy, bu got a roof over my he t I don’t trip. At least I ad.
Next day, I go to a temp agency and fill out an application for a job. I had an interview with Toyota and General Dynamics. I go to both. General Dynamics calls first. The people at the temp agency wants me to work at Toyota, but I go with General Dynamics. Working at General Dynamics was cool. I was working 8 hours plus overtime. Just being down south ain’t feel right. While I’m in the crib, my Uncle talks to me and I tell him I’m finna go back to Chicago. He tells me how he was in the Army and how he got the cribs and cars he got, plus the 110% disability he got when he left the Army.
I tell him how me and my homie was going to go to the Army and how he caught a case and about me missing the test by three points. He offered to help me, but I told him I’m ready to go back to Chicago. While I’m on my way back to Chicago, I’m thinking about the things I’m gon do and how I’m going to study for the ASVAB. As I arrive back in Chicago, my Play Mother picks me up and we get to chilling. She telling me how much she misses me and I better stay out of trouble. I was listening to her but when she got to talking about trouble all I heard was “Blublublublu.”
Now I’m staying at my Play Mother and my right hand man’s crib at the time. I’m paying bills, helping my Play Mother and Homie OG when I get some money. Plus I had saved all the money I made down south, so I had a little money. As I start to study, my homie throwing me off, steady telling me to kick it with him and my girl at the time. The crib I used to be at was where all the guys hang out at. As time flew by, I said fuck the Army. I thought it was party time. I was into too much shit. My girl was on my ass, steady going thru my phone, reading messages, all types of shit. I couldn’t deal with that shit, cause I knew I was talking to other females. My Ex was hitting me up, so I program they numbers in my phone as dudes. That shit ain’t work cause she found out. I told her I need some space and started to talk to this Mexican chick named Halle. Booy, was I a fool. After messing with Halle and everybody finding out, I became public enemy number one. I hurt two of my Ex’s for messing with this girl. Now when I caught my case, Halle was there for me, but I already had my mind made up. I might not never come home. I ain’t got time to be worried about what a female out there doing, so I started working on my case.
I was determined to make it home, but you know you get side tracked in jail. All types of things happen. I started to run around and get on the phone, play jokes, and kick it until an older guy, who was the sop in 9, told us some of us were going to go home and some of us not. That kept ringing in my head, so I calmed down and got to thinking about my life and how I could improve it. While this is going on, I’m still playing basketball but I hurt myself and got sent to Div 8, then Div 10.
While I’m in Div 10, I see a guy named Rome, who I wa s on deck with. He was tel he is in classes and stuff an ling me about how d I should come down the re. I tell him, “Get me down do something.” So while I’m there. I’m trying to waiting on them to call me , I’m just kicking it and gamb But later down the week, the ling, acting crazy. y call me for the program deck. I refuse the first time. going on; I was cooling it. I ha d a lot of things Now it’s Friday and we los e all out the same day we Only thing on my mind is, ge t it. I’m over pissed. “Fuck I should have left wh en they called me for the pro the barbershop, and Rome gram deck.” I go to gets on my ass, telling me I’m stupid and why I didn’t and told him the CO ain’t come down? I lied tell me, and he lied and sai d I refused. I felt stupid ca a lot of shit. Now while I’m us e I could of been did sitting on the deck, they ca ll my name, tell me to pack they gave me a second ch it up. I was happy ance. I’m walking on the de ck, and Rome sees me an “Cook, if Fatboy down here. d Fatboy. I'm like, He called down. Now Mr. E comes, holla at me.” I tel every college class and ch l him I want to be in ess. He tells me, “Cool.” No w I get on the phone and tel take classes and they happ l my family I’m finna y for me.
The next day, I see all these people going to class and coming back telling me ab I was thirsty to get in that out ConTextos class. class, but I had to wait. No w my first day of class is chess. college class is ok. They tea It’s ok, but my ch you how to draw and he lp you understand the bra couple of books to read an in. They gave us a d I really read them. I never thought going back to sch me, but it did. Now ConTex ool would interest tos starts, and I get to me et some of the people who cool. I never thought abou run it, and it seems t writing a book. They taugh t me a lot, and they helped wrote this to tell people my me find myself. I story. You can do whatever you want but the streets ain thought Taboo was going ’t it. Who ever to be an author or take co llege classes to make him place you want to be. self better? Jail is not a
Jameel Handcox I am from loving school From Olay soap and Colgate toothpaste I am from the brown brick house with the green shutters Little shrub, with rocks, fresh cut grass I am from a blooming blossom That grows like wildfires I’m from “clean up and keep faith” From Valerie Mason and Sydney Handcox I’m from the “where we all fight” and “don’t disrespect yo elders” From “look out for family and stick together” I’m from church going grandmother, who always calls me to help her I’m from the Little Company of Mary Glazed ham and Mac & cheese, homemade pound cake and cheesecake From the Book of Ruth & Book of David The proud Queen who got her degrees To Granny’s tables with pictures of moments To tattoos that remember lost family members
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