Love Lost But Found
James R. Walton, Jr.
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people who are at risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives. Since January 2017, ConTextos has collaborated with the Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Division X of Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narrative about violence and peace-building, and help author a hopeful future for these men, their families, and our collective communities. While each memoir's text is solely the work of the Author, the images used to create this book's illustrations have been sourced from various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering, and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into fully illustrated books. In collaboration with
Love Lost But Found James R. Walton, Jr.
" A Love Lost, But Found" By James Walton
I dedicate this book to my 16 year old high school sweetheart. She was my first love, little did she know it. I saw her at school from time to time, mostly at fifth period. I had a crush on her because she was one of a kind. Short, thick, with a Coke Cola bottle shape. A beautiful black sista. A true sweetheart, indeed.
I wanted to be with her so bad. But I didn’t know who she was dating at the time, if anyone. It was something about this girl I was in love with. You should have seen the look on my face when I first saw her. I had the look of a child at the candy store buying his lollipop and licking it for the first time.
One day I was at my aunt’s apartment. I asked my cousin was Felicia seeing anyone or did she have a boyfriend? My cousin told me not that she knew of. To my surprise, she decided to call Felicia to ask the question about being with someone. I was sitting on the couch, hoping no, that she’s not with anyone. Her and Felicia began talking. After a few words, my cousin asked her was she seeing anyone. Then my cousin looked at me and she (Felicia) asked, “Why?” I told my cousin to tell her I wanted to talk to her. She told my cousin she wasn’t talking to anyone and she didn’t have a boyfriend. I asked my cousin to ask Felicia if she wanted to go to the theater.
Felicia asked, “When?” I told my cousin to tell her whenever she was available. Felicia told my cousin she wanted to go that same day. But she had to come up with an excuse to leave her mother’s apartment that Saturday afternoon. She told my cousin she’ll call her back if she’s able to get out of the apartment. My cousin hung up the phone and said to me, “Nigga, you owe me,” and that I better treat her friend right. I told my cousin thank you, and with all due respect, she has nothing to worry about. And I will take good care of Felicia.
About an hour later, Felicia called back and told my cousin she was on her way. When she arrived, we greeted each other with a smile. My cousin and I didn’t bother to ask how she was able to get out of the apartment. We both sat down on the couch. I wanted all her attention on me, but I didn’t know what to say. We stared at each other for about ten minutes. Until she broke the silence, saying, “What’s up?” I told her, “You!” Then she asked me was I seeing anybody? I told her no. I asked her if she was ready for the date. She said, “Let’s go. What are we going to see?” At the time I didn’t know. I told her whichever one we see and decide on.
We left and caught the bus to Evergreen Plaza. That’s where the theater was. At the time, there were a few new releases at the theater. Instead of walking through the mall to get to the theater, we walked around the back. The sun was beaming down on us. It was nice and hot outside. As we entered the theater, you could smell the refreshing buttered popcorn and cotton candy.
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We got off the bus on 49th and State Street. It was time for Felicia to go home. While we waited on her bus to come, we shared a passionate kiss. Man, it was amazing. For the first time in my life I felt like a King, and she was my beautiful Queen. Couldn’t nobody tell me different. I gave her a kiss to remember and to come back for.
We hugged each other real tight, not wanting to let go. Her bus was approaching. When she was getting on the bus, my eyes closely followed her from behind, watching that Coke Cola bottle shape. I was mesmerized in that picture perfect mom ent. She looked back with a beautiful smile on her face. Cars going by beating their sounds, I heard our favorite song of the 90’s, “Make It Last” by Keith Sweat. As the bus was speeding out of my sight, a part of me was wishing she could have stayed a little longer. I thought about every thing she told me, and the time we shared together, making my way back to my aunt’s apartment in the Robert Taylor.
At the first knock, Shinita opened the door. I guess she was waiting on us. She looked surprised when she saw me by myself, asking me where Felicia was. I told her she went home. Shinita asked me, “How did everything go?” I told her we had a nice time. She asked which movie we saw. I told her the name of the movie. She told me how strict Felicia’s mom was. Her sisters and brothers had to be in before the streetlights came on, and she or her sisters better not get caught talking to boys or even seen with one. Her brothers, sisters and her had to be in from school on time.
She didn’t let them get away with nothing.
My mom was the opposite. I got away with the majority of things I did. After hearing how strict Felicia’s mom was, I was lost for words. If I had the opportunity to meet Felicia’s mom, I would show manners. I would say, “Yes, ma’am. No, ma’am,” and I would present myself as that young man she thinks is just right for her daughter. Only if I had that chance, so I thought. It was something special about this girl.
I can tell by the way she carried herself in school. Most of the time she was quiet, polite, respectful, and honest. She was a virgin. I wanted nothing but the best for her. I didn’t have to worry about her cheating. Her value is worth better. The chemistry we shared together, I knew we would be the perfect couple. We were young, trying to figure life out. The reality of it is that I just wanted Felicia to complete me. I wanted to tell her how much I love her, and what she means to me. I knew I was her little secret. I didn’t get a chance to tell her all I wanted to cause my school days at Tilden High School was limited, and I didn’t know when I would see Felicia again.
I got kicked out of Tilden for busting a guy in the head with a two by four. I did what I had to do because he threatened to stab me over a gold diamond ring he wanted me to sell for him, but I kept it. He was my first period classmate. I didn’t take any chances, so I acted like I had to pee to go to the washroom. I ran down the stairs out the back door, searching for something to protect myself with.
There were houses around the school. I found a two by four in someone’s front yard. I took it and laid it by the fence in the back of the school. I ran back to class. He was looking at me crazy. He told me to meet him outside at lunch time. I told him to meet me out the back door. That’s where most of the fights took place.
We met out back. I ran and grabbed the two by four and hit him in the head twice. His head split open leaving a long gash in his forehead. I was nervous and anxious at the same time. I left school and went home. I told my mom what happened about the fight. But I didn’t tell her about the ring. I told her the guy didn’t like me and threatened to stab me. An hour and a half later, the principal called my mom. He told her what happened. The boy received a lot of stitches, and I was expelled from Tilden High School. I better not get caught within fifty feet of the school. If I were to violate the rules, I would go to jail. The day I got kicked out was the day I decided to drop out of school.
All I thought about the next day was hustling. I was blind to the fact I was close to the end of being with Felicia. I couldn’t go back to Tilden. Her mom was strict, and she stopped coming to my aunt’s apartment. The last time I saw Felicia was when I picked her and my cousin up in my car on 47th and State. Felicia asked me to take her home. When we arrived, she wanted me to stay in the car. But I came up with an excuse to use the washroom. Felicia hesitated at first. Then she said come on. I got out the car with her and my cousin. Felicia told my cousin Shinita to tell her mom that her cousin was just giving them a ride.
I just wanted to meet her mom. When I saw her mom, she was looking at me up and down. I felt the tension coming from her mom. I felt like I stepped in unwanted territory. She looked like she wanted to take me captive for questioning. Until my cousin told Felicia’s mom what Felicia wanted her to say. Then I asked ma’am can I please use your washroom. She pointed to the washroom. I forced myself to pee. When I came from the washroom, I told Shinita, “I’ll be waiting in the car.” I had to play it off. I didn’t say nothing to Felicia, but I told her mom thank you and left her apartment. When I was walking to my car, I had to face the fact that I was Felicia’s little secret. We didn’t see it coming: our last day together, was when I walked out her mom’s apartment.
After that day, me and my cousin didn’t stay in contact because of family issues. It was mostly because of my lifestyle. I was involved in a gang. I was in the streets hustling day and night. My aunt and Shinita kept their distance from me. Months went by, and I still felt a connection with Felicia. There was always a thought of her in mind. Thoughts like, “Who she with,? What she doing?” Just the thought of what life would be with her by my side meant a lot to me. I wish we could have run away together. A part of me will always be concerned about her safety and well-being. I knew she was smart. I hoped she didn’t fall victim to the world of manipulation. I didn’t want her physically, mentally, or emotionally scarred.
There’s a lot of things that happened on the other side of the road, plus the boys in the hood were no joke. I knew a lot of them. When it came to young women, they were savages waiting to mistreat. These guys were just looking for a come up: pimping, as they call it. Many young women have been treated badly in their relationships. Some of them are mentally, emotionally, and physically scarred to this day.
I wish I could turn back the hands of time, just to relive those moments we shared, although she was gone in the wind. A part of me felt let down. No phone number. My cousin didn’t want to be around me, so what makes you think she wanted her friend around me? Damn, Felicia is gone without a trace. Nowhere to be found. For her betterment, I didn’t want her exposed to my lifestyle because it could have ruined our relationship. Thank God we were still on good terms.
As months turn into years, I’ve thought about what it would have been like growing into maturity with Felicia. I truly believe that I would have been different from the man I am today.
Throughout the 28 years of our separation, I’ve been through a lot. I’ve been shot five times, stabbed three times, and incarcerated most of those years. For years, I felt a void in my life. It felt like someone special was missing. The women I had relationships with didn’t compare to the love I was seeking. It seemed I was in their lives to fulfill their desires. There was a lack of trust. I didn’t have any interest in marrying any of them.
I love my children. I just wish I could spend more time with them and also be in my daughter and youngest son’s lives. After years, me and my cousin Shinita settled our difference. One day, my cousin was driving me home. A thought entered my mind about Felicia. I asked Shinita, have she heard from Felicia?. She said yes, and asked if I wanted to talk to her. To my surprise, after twenty eight years, they’re still best friends. With a smile on my face and feeling like a new virgin because I haven’t been with a woman for two years, I felt excited and relieved at the same time.
I couldn’t wait to talk to Felicia. I told my cousin yes, but she didn’t give me her phone number that day. She told me she wanted to make sure it was ok with Felicia first. I understood her point of view. I anticipated for a week. I wanted to hear Felicia’s voice. While talking to Shinita on the phone, I was trying to be calm but I couldn’t take it no longer. I asked my cousin, “What did Felicia say?” Shinita said, “Felicia said of course you can give Onion (that’s my nickname) my phone number. That’s my boy.” Finally, the words I wanted to hear. Soon as my cousin gave me her phone number, I told Shinita I’ll talk to you later. Before I could hang up the phone I was left with these words” “You owe me, nigga.” I immediately called Felicia. While the phone rang, there were a lot of thoughts racing in my mind. Thoughts like: how did she look after all those years? Was she married? How many children did she have, or whether I had a chance to be with her or not.
Felicia answered the phone. For a minute, it seemed like I had a lot to say, but I was at a loss for words. I said hi; she replied, “How are you?” I said, “Fine, and you?” Then she said, “I am good.” I asked how life was treating her. She said she couldn’t complain. That she was working two jobs and has two daughters. The oldest was in college and the youngest will be in college in two years. I told her I have three children, one girl and two boys. I told her their ages. I asked Felicia if she was in a relationship with someone. She told me she’s had a boyfriend for six years, but her relationship with him was coming to an end. She found out he was cheating on her with other women. She said there were times he’d leave her house and not come back for days. She said she was tired of it and was going to break up with him.
I told her that she deserved better and that that better was me.
She asked me if I was in a relationship. I said no. I haven’t been with a woman for two years. She asked me, “Why so long?” I felt a little embarrassed, but I told her I just came home from the joint for driving with a suspended license. She said, “Oh, okay.” As we continued to converse on the phone, I found out we have some things in common. We like our relationship private, quiet, and peaceful. We want what’s best for our children. We both like steak and a variety of other foods. Most of all, we both believe in and love God and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We agreed that one day we’ll go to each other’s home church.
My mother, brother, aunts and cousins were having a picnic. I called Felicia and asked her if she wanted to go. I told her Shinita was going to be there. Felicia said she’d go. I asked her if she could pick me up. She said yes. When I first saw Felicia after twenty eight years, I was captured by her beauty. My senses were lured by her angelic presence. Even though a little had changed, I was mesmerized by her beauty. I felt a comfortable embrace by her hug. I was enslaved by her aroma and enticed by the scent of her perfume.
I clung to the words, “Hey, you. You look handsome.” On our way to the picnic, we talked about our past relationship and tried to figure out why it didn’t last. She said things happen for a reason. I agreed. We talked about school. She graduated high school. I didn’t, but I still managed to get my GED.
When we arrived at the water park where the picnic was, I saw cousins I hadn’t seen since they were babies and they were adults now. I thought to myself, “How time passes.” Three of my aunts were there. My mother, my brother and his family had just arrived. Shinita was there waiting on us. We had a nice time. We ate hamburgers, hot links, baked beans, potato salad, and grilled corn on a cob. Me and Felicia left early because we both had things to do.
On our way to my house in Aurora, Felicia took us past her house to show me where she lived. I had a deja vu moment. Her house is on Jeffery Boulevard. When I lived in the Jeffery Manor, Jeffery Boulevard was the route I took to get to work. For about 3 months, five days a week I passed by her house. Also, I walked past her house a couple of times. I asked her how long has she been staying there? She said eleven years.
She was living there throughout the time I passed her house. I explain to Felicia my past experience passing her house. She said, “Wow!” When she dropped me off, she got out of the truck to hug me. I wanted to kiss her, but I held my composure. I told her two weeks from now, on a Saturday, I was going over my Mother’s house. I asked her did she want to meet me there? She said yes. I wanted to ask her about the status on her relationship, but I felt it wasn’t the right time. I told her when I call her, I'll give her my Mother's address. She said, “That’s fine.”
I felt ecstatic being with her. As she was driving away, thoughts were entering my mind. “Is this the last time I’ll see her?” But I kept hope alive. I called Felicia two days later to give her my Mother’s address, and we talked about many things. Before we ended our conversation, the moment i’d been waiting for, she said she broke up with her boyfriend, and he no longer lived with her.
We talked about bettering our life, and starting our own business. Felicia wanted her own day care center. I wanted to open my own lawn care service, and to be a contractor to renovate houses and apartment buildings. Also, I told her I like to write books. I wrote two books in the past, but they were discarded.
When we met at my Mother’s house we talked a little. My Nephew played a movie for us. We ate dinner, and Felicia was getting acquainted with my Mother, my Brother his wife, and children. When it was time to leave, I didn’t want Felicia to go out of her way, but she insisted on taking me to Aurora, IL. It took forty five minutes to get to where I lived. I enjoyed myself. For most of the way we listened to a variety of music.
When she dropped me off, she got out the truck to hug me, and I tried to kiss her on the mouth. She rejected my kiss, pushing back from me. I suddenly felt embarrassed. She said she just ended a six year relationship, and she needed time to herself. She said she just wants us to be friends. With a look of shame on my face, I told her, “I understand.” A month and a half later, my home church had planned a trip to Great America.
I called Felicia and asked her did she want to go to Great America with her girls? It was the girls’ summer break from school. Felicia said yes. I wanted to meet her daughters, and that was the opportunity to meet them. I gave her the time and date we were going. In the meantime, we continued to video chat and talk on the phone.
Two weeks later, Felicia picked me up for Great America. I met her daughters. They’re beautiful like their mother, and smart. While in the truck, I was telling the girls about all the rides I intended to get on. I looked at Felicia and said, “You getting on with me.” She said, “No, I am not.” I told her, “Don’t get scared.” She said, “I am not scared, I am smart. I haven’t been to Great America since I was 10 years old.”
When we got there, it was a sight to see. We saw people on rides, having the time of their lives. There were new rides I haven’t seen before. When we got in, Felicia told her daughters the time we were meeting in the eating area. They said ok, and went their separate ways.
Me and Felica were looking for church members. Felicia wanted to meet the Pastor, but he didn’t come. We seen a couple of the church members. Felicia met the church elder. He gave us the time we all were meeting up at the eating area. I was ready to get on the rides. I asked Felicia to get on the Gotham with me. She said, “No!” I got on, and it took me for a ride of my life. After experiencing the Gotham, I didn’t get on another scary ride. The Gotham gave me a headache. I told Felicia about the Gotham giving me a headache. She said that’s the reason why she didn’t get on. Me and Felicia got on the tea cup together. We all met up at the eating area, where I saw more church members. After enjoying our lunch, the girls went to get on more rides. Me and Felicia walked around, and sat on benches taking pictures, enjoying the scenery.
Felicia texted her daughters giving them the time to meet at the front entrance when it was time to go. Me and Felicia went to an area where they held the “Mardi Gras,” we caught a lot of beads.
After six hours, it was time to leave Great America. We met the girls at the front entrance. After leaving Great America, I wanted to be in Felicia and the girls’ lives. I wanted to be a part of her family.
Two months later, that dream came true on Father’s day of 2018. We became a couple. We’ve been a couple for a year, and seven months now. We live together, and we are happily engaged to be married. There’s no set date yet.
Felicia is a blessing. She fulfills that unconditional love I was seeking: She is faithful, honest, loving, caring, and dedicated to me. Her love completes every part of my being. She is respectful. She listens to me, and corrects me when I am wrong. I thank God, for bringing her back to me. “We are unbreakable.”
James R. Walton, Jr. I am from steak knives From A1 sauce and hot sauce I am from the Englewood Area Shadow, in the dark, back, shining, the image of a king I am from cactus, sunflower, thorn bush, Not to be touched I’m from blessings and curses From Dennis and Earl Whisby I’m from the arguments and fights From problems and deviant behaviors I’m from occasional Sundays, Mount Calvary Church I’m from Macon, Georgia Neck Bones, Cornbread From the struggle, brought from the dirt, holding my peace. The Grandma’s wave in the water, to me drowning overhead A family of 105, and still counting Pictures of the youth of my Grandparents Resurfacing till this day.
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