God's Plan God's Gift

God’s Plan God’s Gift

Joaquin Santos

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people who are at risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017, ConTextos has collaborated with the Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Division X of Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narrative about violence and peace-building, and help author a hopeful future for these men, their families, and our collective communities.

While each memoir's text is solely the work of the Author, the images used to create this book's illustrations have been sourced from various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering, and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into fully illustrated books.

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God’s Plan God’s Gift Joaquin Santos

Thinking back on it, it feels like it was just yesterday when I found out I was going to be a father. I can’t recall the month or day, but I know winter was over and spring was setting in.

I just jumped out the shower and was heading to the living room to get dressed. I had the house to myself. It was quiet, and the only noise you could hear were the creaks from the hardwood floor that was all through the house. As I put my clothes on the couch, I set my phone on the small glass table that sat in the middle of the living room. As I sat down my phone rang.

“Hello.”

“Joaquin, I have to tell you something.”

A bunch of thoughts started running through my mind. By her tone of voice and the way she said it, I could tell it was something serious. Never in a million years did I think she was gonna say what she said next.

“Well, what’s up? Talk to me.”

“I’m pregnant.” Those words hit

me like a ton of bricks.

“Wait, what?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I took two pregnancy tests. They both came back positive.” “Well what you wanna do?” I asked her.

“What do you mean, what do I wanna do?”

“You wanna keep it?”

“Of course I am. Why would you even ask something like that?” At that point, I was at a loss for words.

When the phone call ended, I sat back and reality started to hit me. “Man, she’s pregnant,” I thought to myself. I’m still young; I haven’t even lived life. I just turned 18 and I’m about to have a kid. I don’t even have a job, and I still live at home with my mom. My life got flipped within a matter of minutes, with just a few words that were spoken over a phone. I was just living life no worries, no responsibilities, running the streets, hanging with the guys, just partying and living it up, and now things just got real. All that had to stop ‘cause she was pregnant and I was gonna be a father.

I had dropped out of school and didn’t have a GED, so I knew finding a job wasn’t going to be easy. I was used to fast, easy money, but now I had to weigh both sides and think of the possibilities and chances of getting locked up and not being there for the baby. I had a job before but didn’t like having to wake up and be somewhere at a certain time and told what to do. I mean the checks felt good to cash at the end of the week, but I just wanted the benefits without having to put in work to obtain those benefits.

But now it was sink, swim, or just stay afloat. Staying afloat was something I was used to doing, but with a baby on the way now, in order to make it and provide, I had to swim ‘cause staying afloat wasn’t going to cut it.

I shook out the daze and thoughts I was caught in, finished getting dressed and went outside. I needed someone to talk to, so I hit up my uncle B to slide on me so we could talk about it.

When I jumped in the car, I looked at him, smiled and just shook my head.

“What you shaking your head for?”

“I did the do, my dude” “Whatchu mean?”

“Man, Maria's pregnant.” He looked at me in disbelief.

“What? You crazy, Nephew. “You ready for that respo

nsibility?” I just looked at him and said,

“Man, I don’t even know.”

“Did she say if she's gonna keep

it?”

“Yea, she said she is.”

“Well, you put yourself in a pickle.

”

“I know. I don’t even know what I’m gonna tell Mom

Dukes.”

“Just sit down and holla at her. Ain’t nothing she can do now.”

As I sat in the car riding around with Unc, all I could do was look out the window and get caught up in my thoughts.

I had him drop me off at Maria’s house. When we pulled up in the back, I jumped out, walked to the gate, and slid it open. As I walked through the back, I could see her walking down the stairs through the window. As I approached the back door, my heart was beating fast and I was nervous for reasons I didn’t even know. She opened the door and through her colored eyes I could tell she was nervous as well, but I could tell she was happy to see me. She gave me a hug and a kiss and told me she was scared and didn’t know how to tell her Mom that she was pregnant. I said, “Well me either.”

When we got upstairs, her Mom was in the kitchen cooking. From the smell that was in the air, I could tell it was rice, chicken and frijoles with tortillas. I could taste the food through the smell. I told her hi and asked her how she was doing. She told me she was fine and asked if I was going to eat when the food was done. I smiled and said, “Of course.” I went into the room with Maria and we sat on the bed and talked about the Baby.

She told me she was nervous, happy, and scared all at the same time. I told her I was happy but still couldn’t believe that she was pregnant. I told her a Baby was a big responsibility and asked if she thought we were ready to take on that type of responsibility. She said, “Well, if we’re ready or not, it doesn’t matter cause the Baby is already on its way.” We talked some more about it and came to the conclusion that we were gonna go through with it. Well, at least I did cause her mind was already made up.

She told me she was going to tell her Mom about it. I told her, well, wait til I leave cause I didn’t want those types of problems. We both started laughing. When the food was done, we ate and spent some more time together before I left. Later on that night, she called and told me she let her Mom know.

When I asked her what she said, she replied she didn’t say nothing, that she just gave her a look and walked away. In my mind I was thinking like, -“Man, you got off easy.” She said she could tell she was mad though, and it stood that way for 2 weeks. For 2 weeks straight, her Mom did not speak to her. But as time went by, she accepted it and was actually happy that there was going to be another member of the family.

Now all I needed to do was face my fear and let my Mom know that she was going to be a Grandma again. But my Sister had beat me to it. I made the mistake of telling my big mouth Sister about Maria, knowing damn well she can’t keep a secret and just be wanting something to talk about. But that’s just the way she is, and no matter what I still love her.

So, one day as I was walking up to my Grandma’s house, my Aunt and Mom were on the porch. I could see my Grandma upstairs, sitting by the window like she always does. I walked through the gate and as I was walking up the stairs, my Mom looked at me and said,

“So, you're gonna be a Dad, huh?” She caught me off guard. I stopped in mid step, looked at her, and smiled like I always do when I’m in trouble or something serious is going on. I don’t know why, but that’s just how I always get when I’m nervous.

I said, “Yea. What, Mel told you?” At first she denied that she did, but later on I found out it was her who let my Mom know. She told me that she was happy for me, and that I better be there for my Baby ‘cause the Baby didn’t ask to be brought into this world and that it was my responsibility as a man to take care of and provide for my family. I told her I know. She looked at me and said, “I hope you do,” and gave me a hug and told me congratulations. I was shocked, ‘cause that’s not the reaction or response that I was expecting from her. All I know is that I was just glad it was over with and felt like a lot of weight was lifted off my shoulders.

By this time we were already going to Doctor appointments and getting close to the day we were going to find out whether it was a boy or a girl. I wanted a boy, but my Mom and Maria’s Mom said that by the way her stomach was shaping and forming it was going to be a girl. On the day we went to find out, I was excited cause something inside of me just knew it was going to be a boy. A little me. I was thinking about how we were going to be matching, head to toe. When the nurse said it was a girl, I had to ask, “Are you sure? Can you check again?” When she did, she said she was sure ‘cause there weren't any signs showing it was a boy. All I kept thinking was like, “Man, a girl. Here we go with all the headaches.”

When we left the hospital, she started asking me what names I liked for a girl. I told her to name some. She started coming up with some names that I wasn’t really feeling, but when she said Miannie it stuck to me. For some reason something inside me said, “That’s the one,” and we decided to name the Baby Miannie Jazlee Santos. I told her I was happy with the name and the fact we were having a girl and said, “I hope she comes out with your colored eyes.”

She said she was excited and couldn’t wait to see who the Baby was gonna come out looking like. When I got home, my Mom asked what the Baby was, and when I told her a girl, she smiled and said, “I told you.” She said I’m gonna have my hands full and that was my karma for all the girls whose hearts I broke. All I could do was laugh and think of how hard of a time my Sister gave my Mom and what I was up for. I sure wasn’t ready to go through all those headaches.

Weeks were flying by and time was getting shorter and shorter. I had to put myself in a position where I would be able to provide. I needed a stable source of income. Pampers, baby wipes, baby formula and clothes weren't cheap. I couldn’t be selfish and depend on my Mom to help take care of a baby she didn’t bring into this world. I felt a decent amount of pressure and weight on my shoulders.

I had a little under 5 months to get on my feet and get right. I knew for a fact these 5 months would go by fast because the first 4 flew. My pride and self esteem wouldn’t allow me to ask for help or take a handout from anyone. I was ambitious; I could hustle. I could also work a 9 to 5.

What I couldn’t do was make up my mind on what I should do. My back was against the wall.

I was indecisive and time was running out. I second guessed myself and thought, “Am I really ready for this?”

I wasn’t used to having any type of responsibilities, especially taking care of and providing for a child. I haven’t ever been in this position before. I was the baby of the family and didn’t even know how it felt to take care of a little brother or sister. I was used to being the baby, but now it was time for the baby to make a transition into a man. I had to prepare and discipline myself to take the steps needed in order to make sure that I would be able to.

Living life the way I was used to living life was over with. I now had something, well, someone, to live for: to protect, and provide for. With so much to do and so much on my mind, I didn’t know where to start. I can’t lie. Even though I knew I needed to change and better myself, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy cause I was still stuck in old ways and possessed bad habits that I needed to shake off.

I started walking into businesses and going online and filling out applications. Some of the places I was referred to by friends and family, so I was sure I would be hired. But a lot of the places I walked into would look at me funny. I was young and because of my baby face I looked even younger than I actually was. I didn’t have that much job experience. I had a few but not many jobs, and it was like they could tell just by looking at me. I could tell by the looks I was getting that I wasn’t going to get any callbacks for an interview.

What I was feeling turned out to be true. Two months later, still no response from any of the jobs.

I was stuck, discouraged, and had a hard time dealing with the rejection I was getting. I gave up and ended up making a bad decision and going back to what I was comfortable with. Just like before, everything started off good. I was making money and getting everything we needed for Miannie. I had money saved up. Everything was smooth until that chilly October night in 2010.

It was a Friday, the day before the baby shower. It was a good day: sun shining, warm weather.

I was running around the stores looking for an outfit for the baby shower. I bought my outfit and headed over to the barbershop to get my hair braided and lined up. When I left the barbershop, the sun had gone down and the temperature had dropped to hoodie weather. I had got a call from my boy Roland. He wanted me to go with him to buy a truck he had found on Craigslist.

I walked to the front of his house and his brother gave us a ride to Roosevelt and Pulaski to meet the guy he was buying the truck from. After buying the truck, we were heading back and had to pull over multiple times because the truck kept overheating due to a crack in the radiator. We ended up taking the truck to my cousin’s house so we could replace the radiator.

I called Maria to bring me something to eat cause my stomach was in my back. I was sitting on the front steps when she pulled up. I walked up to the truck, she handed me the food and gave me a look.

“What’s wrong? Why you looking like that?”

“What you gonna do?”

“I’m gonna be right here and help Roland fix the truck.”

“Babe, just come home. Tomorrow’s the baby shower. Let's go home and call it a night. We got a lot to do tomorrow.”

“I’m just gonna be out here for a couple more hours and have him drop me off once we’re done.”

“Please just come home.”

“I’ll be there in a few. I promise.”

“How long is a few?”

“Like an hour, hour and a half at the most.”

“You promise ?”

“I promise.”

“I love you, babe.”

“I love you, too.” I gave her a kiss and she left. I never made it home that night.

While they were working on the truck, I went inside to use the bathroom. On my way out the bathroom I was walking through the kitchen when the front door flew open. “Freeze! Get on the ground.” I was confused, stuck like a deer in headlights not knowing if what was going on was really going on or if it was some type of joke. But it was really going on, and the police were conducting a search warrant. Talk about the wrong place at the wrong time.

They detained everybody in the house and front yard and had all of us lined up on the fence.

When they were finished, they were walking out and tapped me on my shoulder.

“Come on.”

“What?” “What you mean, come on? Where am I going?”

“With us.”

“What for?”

“You’ll find out when you get to the station.”

“Why? I ain’t do nothing.”

When I got to the station, they told me they were charging me with what they found in the house. I told them I didn’t live there and whatever they found wasn’t mine.

They asked to see my I.D. When I gave them my I.D., the cop looked confused.

“So, you’re not David?.”

“No, my name and address is on the I.D. and it sure isn’t David. You got the wrong guy.”

“So you don’t live there? The stuff we found isn’t yours?”

“No, that’s not my house. I don’t live there, and I don’t know anything about what yall found or what yall talking about.”

“Oh well, tell that to the Judge.” And just like that, my life was put on hold. I wouldn’t make it to the baby shower or even to the birth of my daughter.

I used the pay phone and called Maria after getting fingerprinted and photographed.

“Hello. Why you calling from a pay phone?”

“Man babe, they locked me up.”

“What happened?” I explained everything to her. She broke down and started crying. After the phone call, all I could do was regret not jumping in the truck when she told me to come home.

I was mad at myself for not listening to her.

Till this day I think about how I could have avoided it all and made it to see my baby girl being born and made it to the baby shower that was the next day, instead of making it to bond court. I was hurt and felt like a disappointment ‘cause I let her and the baby down with what I feared the most, not being able to be there, to take care, and provide for them.

The next day at bond court, I expected a reasonable, decent bond. It was my first adult case and I didnt even live in the house. The warrant wasn’t for me, but when the judge said 75 thousand my heart dropped. I wasn’t going anywhere, and even if I could come up with the money, I still wasn’t going anywhere because they put a hold on my bond. I felt depressed; my daughter was due in a month and I was stuck inside the county jail.

I remember the nights I wouldn’t be able to sleep because all I could think about was how I dropped the ball and let everybody down. Being at the wrong place at the wrong time had me doing hard time, and all I kept telling myself was I should have listened to Maria and jumped in the truck and went home with her. I hated myself for not going home with her that night. It was really eating me up and I would beat myself up everyday for it.

November came and one day something was telling me to call Maria. I just had an urge, a strong feeling, so I got to the phone and dialed her number. “Thank you for using Securus.

You may start the conversation now.”

“Babe, I had the baby. Miannie’s here.”

“For real?”

“Yeah. I had her an hour ago. Can you hear her?” Tears came to my eyes as I heard my Princess crying over the phone.

“Congratulations, Babe. Love you.”

“Congratulations, my love. I love you, too.” “Who does she look like?”

“I don’t know. I can’t tell yet.” I must have asked her 100 questions within a matter of seconds.Tears just started flowing, tears of joy and tears from being doleful at the fact that I wasn’t there to cherish that moment with her. I was sad that I wasn’t the one to cut the umbilical cord, to hold and kiss my princess.

When I got off the phone, all I could think about was getting out and being part of my baby girl's life. I felt different, like something inside me changed. I felt like a new man, like I was reborn. The feeling that I felt words can’t describe. It was a feeling of ecstasy.

I received pictures of Miannie in the mail, but the first time I saw her in person was during one of my court dates. I remember walking out, seeing her, Maria, and my Mom sitting in the front row.

I just wanted to run over and kiss and hug my baby girl. I was so distracted by her that I didn’t even pay attention to what was going on in the courtroom. I was scheduled to see the parole board on May 23rd and was anticipating my release. When the day came around, my nerves were bad and my heart was in my stomach. There were two outcomes that could have played out that day: either I would be released or I wouldn’t.

When I walked into the parole hearing, my Mom, brother, Maria, and Miannie were all there.

This time I was able to hold my daughter. I gave her a kiss and hug and sat down with her as the hearing started. The lady who was in charge of my hearing asked if Miannie was my daughter and complimented on how cute she was.

As she was going through my paperwork, she noticed all the things that I had accomplished while being incarcerated, but what really caught her attention was the fact that I had gotten my G.E.D. while being there. She looked at me, smiled, and said, “Mr. Santos, I’m proud of you for doing something constructive with your time and getting your G.E.D. I’m granting your parole and releasing you today. I hope you have a good time enjoying your beautiful baby girl.”

All I could do was smile; my nightmare was finally over. I told the lady thank you and shook her hand. I gave Miannie another kiss, gave her back to Maria, and headed back to pack up my property. Waiting for them to call me to be processed out felt like it took forever. Time was moving super slow and I was over anxious.

Something that I’ll never forget when I was released that day was while waiting for the okay to let everybody go, our families all had to wait in the same room. We were separated by a doorway. When I was let go, I walked through the doorway into the room. Miannie was in her carseat. As I walked up to her, she looked at me, smiled, and said, “Dada.” Everybody in the room just looked at each other in disbelief, like did she really just say that? Her first word the minute I was released as soon as I walked up to her was Dada.

I looked at my family; we were all in awe, laughing and tripping out. The whole ride home all I could do was look at my daughter and think about all the stress and struggles I went through while trying to get back to her. I also thought about how much I learned and matured while being away. I had a completely different perspective on life. I sat back and thanked God for being good and blessing me. Life was good.

Joaquin Santos

"The single story creates stereotypes, and the problem with stereotypes is not that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete.

They make one story become the only story.�

- Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

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