The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expanding the voices and sharing personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the healing process of drafting, revising, and publishing memoirs, participants develop selfreflection, critical thinking, camaraderie, and positive self-projection to author new life narratives. With support from Chicago CRED, ConTextos works with New Mount Pilgrim MB Church’s MAAFA Redemption Project. MAAFA’s mission is to significantly improve the quality of life for young men of color and their families on West Garfield Park providing dormitory-style residential support, workforce training, personal/spiritual-development, and a host of wrap-around social services. The embedded ConTextos Authors Circle provides a synergistic space of reflection, connection and healing growth as authors continue to forge new life chapters. The powerful memoirs from the 2021-2022 MAAFA Author Circle complicate myopic, monolithic narratives and include an array of Sankofa Stories, transformative experiences and vibrant insights of young men on the West Side of Chicago.
I am from a Loving family From Joyful and Peaceful. I am from the hood we call K-town Fun, Laughter, but sorrows. I am from the Brightest Sun, Because my future is bright. I’m from Noodles and Chicken From Ray and Peaches. I’m from the Worker and the Hustler From Cold hands, Warm hearts and Looking out for others.
I’m from the Glory of God, That means a lot. I’m from a Strong Home, Egg sandwiches and Kool-aid. From the loving and knowing family, We all we got. The Meaning of Love was real. Us all together, Smiling and Laughing.
A memoir is a personal narrative that shares reflections, insights and transformative experiences of an author’s life journey.
Born and raised on the westside, it was hard seeing the people I went to school with dead. I will never understand why God took the people I love away from me. I was scared that he was gone take my parents away from me because I want my kids to have grandparents on my side. I never had that feeling, well, I was too young to remember my grandparents so I just want my kids to have that feeling. I grew up rough, didn’t have hot water, no lights, barely had food. Both my parents was on drugs, so that made it difficult for me and my sister. We grew up seeing nothing but violence, drugs, and hearing foul language. I didn’t let what I went through break me down even though it was hard, and I’m still going through stuff now but all this pain and stress at a young age made me who I am today. I know its beauty in the struggle, and you can do whatever you put your mind to. Don’t let nobody tell you different. It’s hard to stay focused on positive things when it’s so much negative around you, and I was in the same boat with the people I grew up with. Now, I just really focus on myself and my vision to make it out the hood because I know I will. God wouldn’t put me through all this pain and drama to not make it out. I always thought because of the way my life was God cursed my family, and I was so angry and emotional as well. I felt like nobody cared or felt my pain as a child. Nobody should have to go through so much sadness at the age of10. Through all those years I watched my parents do drugs, and be so high that I didn’t know if they was sleeping or dead. When I turned 11, I was dealing with so much with my family. From time to time I wished I was dead at a very young age. That’s not normal to me. I looked at my friends’ lives wishing and hoping that my family could be like them in a way. All my life I wanted to see my parents off drugs and clean because when they were on drugs they looked so normal. Well, my father looked normal, my mama she was skinny, talking loud, moving fast. She smoked crack since she was 16 years old and did blows as well. Growing up with parents like that humbled me in so many ways, and taught me not to judge nobody, to be there for others. My Mama always had somebody over at the house as long as they got some drugs, even if they got her sick off it, it didn’t matter. Our home was a crack house and family home. I hated my life. At 13 years old, I started to know things better and started to accept things how they were, just taking it day by day.
I remember being a cry baby when I get mad. I used to cry, and turn red. I had anger issues, and I used to be tongue twisted. I used to get picked on because of that, and having parents that was on drugs, took a toll on me going to grammar school. That’s the only time it used to get to me. I was mad at the world, and confused like why me? But my sister used to always tell me that it’s just words, and don’t let it get to me. Don’t get mad at them, they don’t know no better. I used to get so mad at the time, but I had to learn to control my anger. I used to cry when I got mad. I used to hate it. That’s one of the things I didn’t like when I was little, because where I’m from that’s considered soft, or weak. You couldn’t act like that, but I couldn’t help it. I got older eventually, and grew out of that. I’m from the hood and that was nothing but a good time when I was 13 years old. Don’t get me wrong, I saw and heard things that 13 years old shouldn’t, but it was life in my eyes. I was used to it. I used to go outside with my friends, run the streets and play basketball. I love the game of basketball; it kept me on a straight path and kept me stress free. It kept my mind off things, and I felt nothing when I was alone on that court. A lot of kids picked up drugs, guns and living that street life. I had a lot of friends that was out there, but I never disrespected them in no type of way because I know it’s hard where we from. Also, that’s all they know and want to know as well. They seeing others selling drugs thinking that’s cool, and not knowing that’s not the way to go. They used to sell rocks and blows to my parents and I remember my mama selling half her link card to support her habit. That’s why it was so hard to keep food in the house, and it used to make me upset. I had everything as a child: bikes, games, you name it, but I only had it for a week because there was dope, and my father needed it to go to work. I always tried to help my parents the best way I could, even though they was on drugs. It wasn’t good for them, I couldn’t see them sick like that. I remember on my birthday December 27th, 1997, perhaps. I turned 14 at the time. I wanted to get a job already to help my family with bills. We didn’t have the things like a regular family supposed to have, you know. What I mean by that is all my friends had lives and family, I wanted mine to be clean, off drugs and cigarettes too. All that took control of their body and mind. It made my momma do some messed up things. She used to steal from us, and help you look for it knowing she took it. She didn’t care at the time. The only thing she was worried about was getting drugs. She ran off with the rent money to pay drug dealers back. So when my dad ran out of money, she would go back to them for credit, drugs or money. I hated to see my dad deal with that knowing he worked so hard for his money. He worked everyday plus overtime if possible.
I hated that, but when I got older in my teenage years, I knew that she was never in her right state of mind. It was the drugs taking over her body. I grew up seeing nothing, but drug addict family members that was on drugs as well. So, I know the feeling when people are not in their right state of mind. When I was in grammar school, I used to get picked on for the clothes I used to wear, and it kind of bothered me in a way, but I tried not let that affect me because I really didn’t care about clothes like that because I knew my peoples didn’t have that type of money to take care of other things. When I got in high school, it was the same way too. They always wanted to stay fly for females, but not me. I didn’t need none of that because of my sense of humor and personality. My father retired when I got in high school. I was getting thousands a month, but I had to help my parents all my life. I was taught to be there for the people I love. Sometimes, that was my downfall in a lot of situations. Until this day, I fight that situation. As a child, I grew up on helping others, and I used to see so many people in our house getting high. My momma made friends with anyone that got her high, but some of them were almost like family. Like her friend Carmone; she did right by me. She was like an aunt to me, I didn’t mind when she came over. As I got older, things seemed to get better for me, but my family was still going through a lot. It was so much pain and hunger growing up with my family, also dealing with people dying left and right when I was 13. I was going to a funeral, and I remember my OG talking to her friend saying,”It’s crazy my baby going to all these funerals at a young age.” Losing both my aunties, and after that people I grew up with and went to school were dying. At 14 years old I had been to 4 funerals. Two were classmates. One died from an asthma attack and one lost to gun violence. Raymale was around my age, and DJ was a few years older than me but we went to the same school, and from the same hood. Me and Raymale played basketball together and everything. I had two aunties, and they did drugs as well. Half my family did drugs, that used to make me think that God didn’t care about me and my family because why was there so much pain and why were the people I loved not normal parents and aunties. I remember my momma’s friends used to come over so much, sometimes they moved in for a moment of time. I didn’t care at some point, but I wanted it to just be my family, to be a real family like we was when me and my sister was babies. Now, I’m 16 years old, and older. Now I’m moving differently, understanding things better, then I lost both of my aunties. One died in a coma and Peggy died from a heart attack…. I never really liked my Auntie Pam. She used to steal from us and everything. My other auntie as well, but she cared for us in so many ways.
I needed money to help out around the house, but I was really too young to do so, but when I got older I got a job and helped my parents with bills, truthfully I was helping with their drug habits because I couldn’t see them sick like that. I hated that so much. When I was younger my daddy always kept a job to provide for his family. I know he was tired. When I was a kid I seen his hair turn from black to grey so fast. I seen my parents go through so much, and they never panicked, even in the situation we was in. They taught me how to remain humble because I seen my family have it all and lose it. So, I know how that feels to lose everything and start over. We had to do that so many times, I know how to deal with it now. I’m thankful that I been through all my trauma with my family. It has made me enjoy life more and cherish everything in my life, and not take it for granted. I remember this point as a kid when my friends thought I had it made, but behind closed doors I didn’t really. I would only have it made for like a week because they was dope sick. My family used to sell mama’s food stamps to anyone to provide for her habit. She used to do a whole lot of bad things when she needed those rocks and blows. Lie, steal from us and be gone for a day, or a few hours. She used to be so petty, she would help you look for it, or she would just lie right in your face. She stole anything she could to get some money for it, then it’s gone. I started getting angry and mad at the world. I didn’t care about life at a certain point because it was so common for people to die. I felt like I was gone be next at some point of time. I got numb to the pain. I don’t cry no more at funerals because I was used to people dying. I always remember my father telling me, “It’s a part of life son.” My Father is a wise, smart man, he taught me so much. I wouldn’t be the man I am if it wasn’t for him. No matter if he did blows, I never looked at him different, my OG as well. She was an amazing person besides the drugs because her soul is pure love and care. She gave me money when she could. 2pac said it right, ”Even as a crack fein momma, always a black queen momma.” Don’t get me wrong, it was a lot of times we was in bad situations as a family. No light, or gas for years if not months. We have gas on for a quick moment of time, then after that back to the struggle, but I was okay with that because ain’t nothing like going through this struggle with the ones I love. They taught me hard times don’t last forever, hard times made us. Don’t get me wrong, I cried myself to sleep so many times, went to sleep hungry, cold, you name it. I remember the days in the crib that we had space heaters in our room and bathroom. Gotta keep those doors closed to keep that heat in, and I remember living there. When we used to talk to each other you could see our breath. That’s how cold it was in our crib. We had to put sheets and blankets on the windows to stop the wind and cold air from coming in. It was hard on me sometimes, but I knew hard times don’t last forever. I know I said that before, but it’s true.
People used to ask me how I got through that, having parents that’s on drugs. I used to tell them it’s something that I got used to, and don’t let it get to me. Just staying positive and keep moving forward with my life. I remember when we stayed upstairs from Mr. Lobbs. Everything was cool in the summertime when we was living there. It was really just me and my parents. My sister had her own room, but she was barely there. She stayed with her boyfriend at the time, so it got cold. I remember I got out my bed, went to the kitchen to get something to drink. I don’t know why I went in my parents’ bedroom, I turned on the light and I seen like 100 bed bugs on them. So, we had to sleep on the floor, and it was like that for months. I used to see my father get a blow torch and burn the bed bugs on the floor in the cracks. You could hear them burn, shit was crazy. We was messed up for so long, we had to start over with everything, and I already didn’t really have much. That made me upset, but it was out of my control. I just stayed positive, and played basketball for hours to escape the pain and the anger I had inside. All I did was play ball, I never wanted to do something crazy but it came across my mind a lot of times. When Raymale died, it did something to me mentally. All I got is memories, and how things used to be. That made me cry for real, seeing his momma crying. That broke me down in so many ways. I wish I could’ve did more and actually got on you, bro, about smoking cause you had asthma. Raymale was the first person that died that I grew up with. After that I started losing a lot of my childhood friends, and that took a toll on me when I was a teenager. It still do in little ways. Now I’m getting older, and becoming a young adult in high school. I had to start working, and help myself. I graduated from Lakeview high school with different races. It was a good journey, but kids at Lakeview didn’t really know about the real struggle. It made me mad my 4 years of high school because it was so many kids that wanted to be where I’m from, and live the crazy life I live. They just don’t know, I wanted to live the way they lived. They have dinner, and they momma outside to pick them up, but I lived on the westside and it took 35 mins to get to school, and I chose that school because I got tired of the hood. I wanted to see something different. It made me look at life from a different.
I don’t get in my feelings like I used to do. I’m grateful for that. I got stronger and wiser as well. 1952, that’s when my father was born. His old ass lol. My first hero that I looked up to was my father, even though he did drugs and wasn’t the best dad. He made do and did what he had to do to provide for his child the best way he could. I seen my father go hustle for us. I seen him be tired, but he couldn’t give up and I will always love him for that. My birthday is two days after Christmas, so you know he had to work hard to get me and my sister right. They used to get down on me when I was a baby boy, I got older I realized and they knew that. My Pops used to work so much overtime, and did side jobs at that. He made me to be the man I am, I wish I could do all the things he did besides of the drugs he was on. Working and loving for his family. I worried that I wouldn’t achieve everything that he did. That be on my mind sometimes. Michelle Zapoluch, my only sister, my headache, and a bug. We got a bond that’s rocky in a way, even when we was young we didn’t have the best bond, but she looked after me even when I didn’t ask her to do that. She always been there for me, and I can say this, she stood on business about me so many times. She knows I love her, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. We watched our parents get high, so we had to take care of ourselves so many times, we got used to it. At some point, we had to grow up fast. We kind of don’t think the same. We used to fight a lot when we was young. I was in Special Ed class when I was in grammar school. I had anger problems, and I was tongue twisted as well. They used to make fun of me, I didn’t care at the moment. As soon as I got older, I grew out of it. My parents was still doing drugs. My Father retired, so he was on fixed income. He had to work at Mars, a barbecue spot. When he ran out of money for his habit, he worked there. I worked to help out. We are sister and brother, but different in so many ways. I didn’t care doe because I still love her no matter what. Now I’m getting older, and becoming a young adult in high school. I had to start working, and help myself. I graduated from Lakeview high school with people from different races. It was a good journey, but kids at Lakeview didn’t really know about the real struggle. It made me mad my 4 years of high school because it was so many kids that wanted to be where I’m from, and live the crazy life I live. They just don’t know, I wanted to live the way they lived. They have dinner, and they momma outside to pick them up, but I lived on the westside and it took 35 mins to get to school, and I chose that school because I got tired of the hood. I wanted to see something different. It made me look at life from a different. From that point on, I wanted to live better, but my life wasn’t better though. It was still fucked up, and I didn’t have food or heat. I got into a relationship, and caught a gun case at age 19. At that point, it changed my life. I blame no one but myself, and I want to touch base about that, to let y’all know what I’ve been through and how it affects me in so many ways.
I made bond, they gave me 2 years probation. I was on house arrest for 3 months while fighting a case I gave myself, but I was still working at the airport, so I was thankful for that. So, when I got off house arrest they gave me probation. I went through that journey, and I wanted to do something with myself. Years went by, I applied to attend Coyne College to be an electrician like my father. I was 22 at the time going there, and it was so hard for me, but March 25th, 2021 I graduated and I did it. So, I just want to tell y’all that, to let y’all know that I graduated despite what I’ve been through: growing up in a rough environment, having parents on drugs, seeing people I grew up with die from gun violence, or health issues. I believe in myself, and I know my story needs to be heard to help others that have been through what I have been through, about guns, death, gangs, the street life and having parents on drugs, not knowing right from wrong, or thinking they do. Knowing that kids go through the same struggle I’ve been through, I know I can make a difference in my hood and lead by example for others growing up. As a kid I had to grow up fast and move smart. Never disrespect anyone, that was what I was taught. I want to show people that it’s beauty in struggles. Don’t lose sight of your dreams or goals. Other people think the westside so bad, but it’s not, and the people I grew up around taught me so much. It’s a blessing for me because people don’t know what I know because they haven’t lived in the hood. So, my name is Raymond Allen Zapoluch Jr, and this is part 1 of the book of my life. The next one will let y’all know how everything is going and the goals I set for myself.
Sankofa is a word from the Ghanian Twi language meaning “Go back and get it.” “Sankofa teaches us that we must go back to our roots in order to move forward. That is, we should reach back and gather the best of what our past has to teach us, so that we can achieve our full potential as we move forward. Whatever we have lost, forgotten, forgone or been stripped of can be reclaimed, revived, preserved and perpetuated.”* *UIC African American Studies Department
Growing up it was good and bad. I seen a lot of caskets close too soon. I played ball and laughed and joked with people in my hood but now things have changed. Ain’t the same anymore how it use to be. I be wishing it will go back how it use to be, but things change for a reason and I accept that. My family was kinda known. Everybody knew us if they lived in our hood for 10 plus years. My parents did drugs. I know I said this already, but my og was everywhere in the hood. She was loud as hell. My sister use to be embarrassed about her. I didn’t care or mind because my ass was ghetto as hell right along with her. That’s my bestfriend and mama, but she use to say, “Don’t get shit twisted, I’m still your yo mama lord.” My OG had me in jail. She did a year and 10 months. That did so much to her. I was a baby but she told me how that broke her because she couldn’t come home with me and had someone taking care of me while she was still doing her time. I remember when my mama got out. Fast forwarding, I was a little older, she went back to jail. She called: “You have a correctionnel call from an inmate in Cook County. Do you accept yo mama boy?” “Hey mama,” I was happy to talk to her. We always had a good conversation. She made me get a calendar and scratch off each day. I missed her cooking the most because my daddy’s ass didn’t know how to cook, so we got take out or he’d pop a pizza in the oven. That used to be irritating but I understood why he didn’t make no food. When she came home I was happy but I wasn’t slow either, I knew she was gone get back on drugs and my daddy too because he was off that shit. We was a happy family, well normal family. I can say them rocks and blows was a mfer fosho. That’s heroin if yall dont know, well, the people that understand my story and can relate too will. Shit got real doe. I asked her, “You gone stay clean mama? She’d say, “I’ll try. It’s hard baby.” One thing I can say, she kept it real at some point with us. But right then and there, I knew life was back to struggle and that happened a few times because my mama been in jail a lot of times. It took a toll on us.
My Father graduated from Coyne College, he was on blows we called it, that’s heroin. He started doing drugs around 1989, his late 30s. He was born in 1952. He’s been doing drugs since he got old in age, his 60s. He got clean on September 5th, 2018. He always kept a job, and always took care of his family, and my mama never had a job a day in her life. She gave all the love and caring in her heart, that’s all I need from her. She understood me when I didn’t understand myself, and my mama’s energy and the way she talks to people is amazing. My sister is the oldest, 4 years older than me. We haven’t had the best sister and brother relationship because our mindsets are different. She likes things differently in a way, but the love we share never changes. My sister left the house to live with her boyfriend at like 15 years old. I was mad at her in the inside because I was taught to stay when shit get rough. As I got older I understood why she left. That’s the best decision she had for herself, to protect herself. I couldn’t do that to my family, so that made me feel some type of way towards my sister for a long time. I learned how to deal with her. We cool, and I love my sister regardless because I don’t got but one sister. I haven’t had that talk with her to tell her how I feel about everything. I think I will one day. Life taught me good and bad growing up in that household. My father took me to the park a lot. He collected all the wrestler men, and push cars. He taught me everything, including the way I carry myself. Pops was the man of the household, and I was your sidekick fasho. My friends’ fathers didn’t play basketball or anything like my father did with me, so they used to be jealous of the love and time he spent with me. They fathers either sold drugs, or was in jail so they didn’t like that about me. I didn’t understand why they was mad at the time, but my father broke it down and let me know, “The kids don’t got the love and time spent that I spend with you, so don’t get mad son.”
I’m gone keep on track with my OG. She is the youngest of 3 girls, her oldest sister name is Pam, and her 2nd oldest is name Peggy. My Momma family did drugs, and her sisters ran the streets. So, I know it was hard for them to stay on the right path, and not to do drugs. My momma friends did nothing but drugs. She started off easy stuff like weed and liquor, then she got around older people, they was doing heavy drugs, so she fall in line taking that risk. That affected her for so long, and so many years. It hurted so many people she don’t even know, but her pride was bigger than me. I be hating that because she the mother, but that goes to show you age don’t mean nothing.
I had two aunties, and they did drugs as well. Half my family did drugs, that used to make me think that God didn’t care about me and my family because why was there so much pain and why were the people I loved not normal parents and aunties. I remember my momma’s friends used to come over so much, sometimes they moved in for a moment of time. I didn’t care at some point, but I wanted it to just be my family, to be a real family like we was when me and my sister was babies.
Now, I’m 16 years old, and older. Now I’m moving differently, understanding things better, then I lost both of my aunties. One died in a coma and Peggy died from a heart attack…. I never really liked my Auntie Pam. She used to steal from us and everything. My other auntie as well, but she cared for us in so many ways. I wanna tell y’all about my auntie Pam. I remember I use to treat her bad and mean. I didn’t want her around. She use to treat my father petty as hell, for real. I felt bad when I got older though. I felt bad she died. I always love hearing everything my parents tell me about. I’m gone hold everything my parents tell me about and never forget.
First she was in coma and she wasn’t breathing on her own so my mama decided to pull the plug. A few years later my auntie peggy died. She lived in Minnesota, and I always wanted to go out there to visit her and spend time with her because I never see her when I was little. She use to stay with us and she use to say, “Give me some of that body heat boiii” when we was laying down together because we didn’t have no heat and it was in the winter. We had to try and keep warm. She taught me that, and I’ma say that to this day I miss them both. They hold a special place in my heart.
Dear Auntie Pam, Damn today made me think about you heavily. I want to say I’m sorry for all the wrong, and everything I done. The feelings I had towards you, I’m sorry for not forgiving you. I’m sorry for lying to you that my parents weren’t here when you came around. I don’t know why I had so much hatred towards you because of the wrong you did towards my parents. I’ve learned now and gotten wiser. I had to realize what you did to my parents didn’t have nothing to do with me, so I’m sorry for acting like I’m so grown and not knowing I’m just a kid. I’m sorry auntie for not spending time with you. I do remember when I went out of town with you and your boyfriend Sunny. I was scared of his ass when I was younger. The man had a hook arm, I thought his ass was candyman fasho. I remember that night clearly now as I’m writing. I was sleeping on the floor, you made me a pallet so the floor wasn’t that hard. I was home sick so you called my momma to let me know everything was okay. I’m sorry for not allowing you to start a bond with me. I’m sorry for not trying to listen to what you had to say because I had so much hate in my heart towards you. Now that I look back, I was in the wrong. I do apologize for that. The stories they told me, and your boyfriend beat on Jarus, my auntie’s only son. She trusted you with him. I had even more hate in my heart towards you, like I was thinking how can you be with a man like that. Beat on your nephew, you, and you did my father so wrong. That’s why I really had so much hate towards you because you know I’m a father’s boy fasho. That being said, I’m grown. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me, and I want you to know I forgive you and I’m praying for forgiveness. Letting you know that I’m truly sorry, and I forgive you again. I hope you can do the same when we meet again.
I am going to take a road trip I love to drive I am going to see my grandparents in heaven I am going to go Paris I’m looking forward to new beginnings I’m going to get a good job I am going above and beyond.
I am going somewhere many can’t go I am going to help others, no matter what I am going to start a family I am going to be a great father I am going to see better days I am going to have faith no matter what.