3 minute read
in a Group Project
Types of Partners That You Have In a Group Project
Jessica German
1. The One Whose Grandma Always Dies
This group member’s grandma, who she calls Nana, has died on three separate occasions in three different classes spread across a two-year period, and you know this. However, if you call her out on it, everyone will think that you’re an insensitive asshole, and she will definitely use this against you. So, you end up in this weird, Cold War-esque standoff until the project is done and you can forget about Sarah, or whatever her name is. She sends you two links to Instagram posts that she thinks “will totally pull this presentation together.” Both links lead to quotes spoken by one of Kardashians.
2. The Stoner
This guy doesn’t even exist in the same cosmic realm as you. His name is usually something like Greg or Eric. Trying to pin down his schedule is like trying to get a cat in a sweater, and then losing the cat underneath your bed. When you do finally see him, he smells like weed and a weird amalgamation of Chinese take-out and Taco Bell. Stoner is always CEO of snacks at group meetings and he does absolutely nothing else.
3.The Jock
The Jock plays three sports, has games during all of your group meetings, and is definitely a misogynist. Any poor soul who has the misfortune to possess a uterus is automatically dubbed “Sweetheart” and becomes his personal secretary. This man’s entire life revolves around protein shakes and the dumb shit that his team members dare him to do during and after games. He contributes two sentences to your PowerPoint and flirts with group member number four.
4. The Pretty One
The only thing that you need to know about her is that all of the males in your group are infatuated with her and if you ask her to do work of any sort, all the males in said group will
call you a bitch because “She’s working ten hours a week and she’s having a really hard time!” The Pretty One, normally Ashley or Tiffany, succeeds in doing nothing other than group member number three.
And, last but not least…
5. The Leader (AKA The One With the Idea)
This is the poor bastard who stupidly admitted to having any idea ever, and their punishment is the other group members who circle them like sharks and make their life a living hell (i.e. me). This is the group member who has spent seventeen net hours working on this project by themselves only to find out that their group members want to get together and eight o’clock the night before your project is due and finish the whole thing in one sitting. The Leader got everyone’s numbers, made the group chat, and subsequently abandoned the group chat after seven attempts at communication and three “Chill out, Bro’s” (two from Stoner and one from Dead Grandma). This group member created a working app, a website, finished a five-page reflection paper, and handled all of the pain, tears, and suffering that this project inflicted and has misplaced three years of their life in the process. Their project gets thrown out in favor of The Pretty One’s fifth grade assessment of the effects of depression on college students. If this is you, God have mercy on your weary soul.
