at the Gym

2

Six People You Inevitably Meet at the Gym

Josey Chumney

LeAnn (The Snake in the Grass)

“Excuse me hun, do you mind showing me how to turn on this machine? I keep hitting the play-pause button, but nothing is happening.”

LeAnns are always in their mid-to-late 50s. Very perky, very vocal. They choose machines immediately next to other females so conversation can flow more easily. However, when desperate, males are sufficient enough. To initiate conversation, they employ clever sarcasms like “I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I am a little too young and pretty to be at the gym,” or “If only exercising my mind counted as exercise. Then I’d really be cooking with grease!” When these rousing topics go on deaf ears, LeAnns employ their secret weapon: asking for help. They know, once the eye contact is made and the help is given, they will be impossible to ignore. In order to survive an encounter with a LeAnn, it is best to smile, nod, and leave your machine as soon as there is a break in the conversation. If there seems to be no end to her desperate ramblings, pretend to be winded, hop off of your machine, and move to one that works out your biceps. She will be intimidated by this “macho” switch (her word, not mine) and focus her attention on a Stacey three treadmills down.

Stacey (The Wannabe)

“Some do good by researching the cure for cancer or going green. I tone my body for the ‘Gram. Everyone has their own part to play.”

Staceys are young, but not too young, and look at least six years older than their actual age. They are never seen without their knock-off Hydro Flasks and coordinating athletic wear from last season (Nike and Lululemon are the acceptable brands). Staceys are only ever on treadmills, stair-steppers, or in the squatting zone. Even after exercising for an hour, Staceys always look photo ready. When asked about how they combat sweat, one Stacey replied, “Oh, I never sweat. I only glisten. It’s my natural highlighter.”

Brian (The Ninja Turtle)

“No, no, yeah, you’re right. Bros who skip leg day are definitely pussies.”

Brians are men in their 30s who definitely skip leg day. Their shoulders have shoulders who have more shoulders. Brians are confident and proud of their bodies. They want you to notice them. They like to sprint on the treadmill directly in front of Staceys, but never LeAnns. Brians believe this masculine display of virility will cause Staceys to immediately strip their compression shorts and jump their bones. Brians also think they are crafty. They like to leisurely jog behind Staceys, but never LeAnns, to check out their asses. The Rachels all know what they are doing. The Staceys know but choose to ignore it in hopes the Brians will approach them and offer to bench press their body weight (#gymlove, #meetcute, #GOALs).

Rachel (That Tired Girl)

Rachels vary in age. Some are in their 20s and feel peer-pressured into meeting society’s standard for beauty. Some are in their 30s, have a stable job, and feel peer-pressured into meeting society’s standard for beauty. Others are in their 40s, have had a divorce, have a stable job, and feel peerpressured into meeting society’s standard for beauty. All are very perceptive but sad. They don’t say much. Only the incessant gasping can be heard from their direction. LeAnns are a Rachel’s worst nightmare. The stress of speaking paralyzes them but the fear of being rude is stronger, so they try to carry on these meaningless conversations. Usually, they go something like this: “Hey, there! Don’t mind me, I’m just going to park my tush in the seat next to yours. Hope that’s fine. You must come here often. There’s no way I could pedal that fast. I can’t even ride a bike! Can you imagine, me, a woman of my age, (and don’t you try to coddle me, dear, and say I look 25 because that’s a lie and we both know it), riding a bicycle up and down a lane? That would be so silly! Did you learn when you were a child? Or are you as uncoordinated as me? It’s okay if you are. We can be uncoordinated and unwanted together! Well, thankfully, my husband wants me. Or at the very least my cooking! Are you married, hun? ” “…wh..ell…..uh.”

Cliff (The Mansplainer)

“Sweetie, sweetie, let me help you with that. What you want to do is lift with your back, like this. See? Your back. Yes, that’s right. You want tension here. Mhmm. I know, I know, it hurts a little, but you’re a tough cookie, right?”

Cliffs come in all ages. The way to spot a Cliff is to see if there is a man who hovers near equipment but never uses it. That is a Cliff ’s tell. He likes to be close to the weights so that he can help a woman who is “struggling”. He often has to defend his territory from other Cliffs or Brians when Staceys get lost in the weight section on their way to the squatting zone. Ways to ward off Cliffs include, but are not limited to, mention your hemorrhoid, mention Ellen, mention your affinity for witchcraft, mention drag queens, mention your collection of sock puppets (don’t forget to say their names), or mention any topic related to feminism or female empowerment.

Jo (The Bitch)

“Fuck everyone here. Fuck the gym.”

Jos are badass women who see through the bullshit that is the gym. Jos use whatever machine they want with no regard to who is around them. When Cliffs swarm at the leg press to comment on their form, Jos send them backtracking with colorful phrases like “Who the fuck called you over, Ron Swanson lookin’ ass?” or “I’m sorry, did my headphones, lack of eye contact, and complete disinterest with your existence seem like a cry for help?” LeAnns sometimes try to engage with Jos but they quickly realize that they can’t be hooked like a Rachel or a Stacey. Jos simply drown out their chatter with the sound of their feet hitting the treadmill and Kendrick Lamar. When asked why she even goes to the gym, one Josey questioned, “Why do you?” and continued her way towards the elliptical.

Jo (The Liar, The Author & The Rachel)

“Sorry.”