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Six People You Inevitably Meet at the Gym Josey Chumney LeAnn (The Snake in the Grass) “Excuse me hun, do you mind showing me how to turn on this machine? I keep hitting the play-pause button, but nothing is happening.” LeAnns are always in their mid-to-late 50s. Very perky, very vocal. They choose machines immediately next to other females so conversation can flow more easily. However, when desperate, males are sufficient enough. To initiate conversation, they employ clever sarcasms like “I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I am a little too young and pretty to be at the gym,” or “If only exercising my mind counted as exercise. Then I’d really be cooking with grease!” When these rousing topics go on deaf ears, LeAnns employ their secret weapon: asking for help. They know, once the eye contact is made and the help is given, they will be impossible to ignore. In order to survive an encounter with a LeAnn, it is best to smile, nod, and leave your machine as soon as there is a break in the conversation. If there seems to be no end to her desperate ramblings, pretend to be winded, hop off of your machine, and move to one that works out your biceps. She will be intimidated by this “macho” switch (her word, not mine) and focus her attention on a Stacey three treadmills down. Stacey (The Wannabe) “Some do good by researching the cure for cancer or going green. I tone my body for the ‘Gram. Everyone has their own part to play.” Staceys are young, but not too young, and look at least six years older than their actual age. They are never seen without their knock-off Hydro Flasks and coordinating athletic wear from last season (Nike and Lululemon are the acceptable brands). Staceys are only ever on treadmills, stair-steppers, or in the squatting zone. Even after exercising for an hour, Staceys always look photo ready. When asked about how they combat sweat, one Stacey replied, “Oh, I never sweat. I only glisten. It’s my natural highlighter.”
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