Copyright Š 2015 by Hattie Richardson White Hopkins All rights reserved under the international copyright law. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the express, written permission of the author. The exception is reviewers, who may quote brief passages in a review. Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright Š 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. ISBN 978-1-56229-212-6 Christian Living Books, Inc. An imprint of Pneuma Life Publishing, Inc. P. O. Box 7584 Largo, MD 20792 www.christianlivingbooks.com Printed in the United States of America
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Hopkins, Hattie Richardson White, 1951My journey to yes : the autobiography of Hattie Richardson White Hopkins. pages cm ISBN 978-1-56229-212-6 (pbk. : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-56229-218-8 (ebook) 1. Hopkins, Hattie Richardson White, 1951- 2. Christian biography. I. Title. BR1725.H655A3 2015 277.3'083092--dc23 [B] 2015030812
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1 The Beginning of the Pain
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ow. Where do I begin? This is a journey of joy, happiness, and much pain. This pain, I would not wish, nor pray on anyone–not even my worst enemy. It started many, many years ago when I met and married the love of my life–my true soul mate. Our vow was forever, until death do us part. We were fresh out of high school–two young people, madly in love and married. We both had good jobs at Fieldcrest Mills, which, at the time, was considered one of the best jobs in the city. Forty years ago they were paying good wages and had good benefits. Things were looking good for us. We had our first child the following year. I had trouble finding or keeping a good babysitter. Therefore, I ended up quitting my job to become a full-time mother and home maker. Without the second job, our bills began to pile up. 1
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Sliding Downhill My husband, whom I loved very much, began to work overtime on the second shift, continually. When pay day would, come he would go out with the “boys”. So began his cover-up for the affairs he was having. He was also gambling and not paying any bills. His night out with the “boys” consisted of losing most and sometimes all of his week’s pay. Bills collectors began calling. He covered that by buying a receipt book and writing fake receipts for what he was supposed to have paid. When the bills collectors would call, I would get the fake receipts and tell them, “No. It’s been paid and I have the receipt.” One day, a finicky collector asked me to fax a copy of the receipts. It turned out not to be their receipt. I was so taken back it was unreal. My world was falling a part, a piece at a time. All his cover ups began to be exposed as lies. Then, he made up more lies to cover up the first ones. I felt like a fool for believing that my husband had paid the bills. Most of my family was 1,500 miles away so, I felt all alone. I felt lost–having no one I could trust to talk to. I wept and cried, a lot. I became depressed, withdrawn, suspicious of everyone, psychotic, and suicidal. I was beginning to lose control. My baby lacked my personal attention, spending a lot of time with friends of the family and my sister-in-law.
Murder on My Mind I tried to kill my husband three different times. I just didn’t care anymore. Once, my husband stayed out until the wee hours of the morning. I had been up, walking the floor, looking out the window at every car that passed
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our house. He laid down to sleep, his breath smelling of liquor and cigarettes, and I set his pillow on fire. He woke up–as I looked on–just in time to put it out. Another time, he was asleep after being out all night. I was just about to stab him with a knife when he awoke in time to catch my hand and take the knife. When he would return from his all-nighters, he was afraid to go to sleep in the house. So, he began sleeping in the car. Once, he was gone the whole weekend and I reported him missing. When the police arrived to take the report, one of the officers asked me if my husband was having an affair. Oh, I was so mad. At the same time, reality began to set in. When the police left, I was convinced, “Oh, God. It’s true. My husband does not love me anymore. He’s seeing another woman.” I cried until there were no more tears left to cry. When my husband finally got home, he acted as if nothing had happened. I made up in my mind that he would not live another day. I waited until he went to sleep in the car–until he was good and sleep. He was drunk so I knew that once he fell asleep he was not going to wake up this time. I got some heating fuel out of the outside tank. I opened the car door and began to pour the fuel all over the back seat. Then, I drenched the front seat, dashboard, and floor. I poured the fuel all over him–his legs, chest…everywhere. I had my baby girl on my hip as I backed up, lit a match, threw it in the car, I yelled, “Burn! You will never hurt me again. The car went up in a blast of fire. To my amazement, when the fire reached the front seat, my husband jumped up, opened the door, got the
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water hose, and began putting out the fire. All the while, he was yelling, “You are crazy and need to be committed!” He went to my brother’s house and told him, “You need to do something about having her committed!”
Caring Intervention One day, while I sat in my back yard, I noticed my neighbor. There was something different about her. She reminded me of something I had stopped doing–trusting and believing God as Ma had taught me as a child She was an elderly saint with a sweet disposition. She called out to me, “I need to speak to you. Won’t you come over” In the past, when we saw each other, we exchanged pleasantries. However, I had never had a conversation with her. I definitely had not spoken to her about my personal affairs. I wanted to talk to somebody; but, I couldn’t bring myself to share the pain and shame. Nevertheless, the time had come, I accepted her invitation. She began by telling me that she had been praying for my husband and I. I wondered how she knew I needed prayer. Somehow, I trusted what she was saying as I began to cry, softly. She shared with me about the Lord. We talked about my family, and the Word of God; but mostly, we spoke about me and my situation. I was ready to receive from her. As she embraced and prayed with me, I really began to break down, weeping. My Lord, I can not describe the release of the pain I had carried for so long. The whole exchange with my neighbor let me know that the Lord did love me. You would be surprised what the devil tells you when you are down and out. Whereas
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before I felt despair, now I felt that there was hope for me after all. I thank the Lord for a prayer warrior still willing to obey the Lord and wait on the right timing. You would think that was what I needed to bring me back–back to what I had known as a child. But it didn’t. A weak cry started within me... but it was not yet strong enough for me to seek the Lord for myself.” Only heaven can reveal how I felt at that point. I had lived in my own private world of pain. At first, because I hadn’t shared my plight with anyone, I thought no one knew what I was going through. The gossip had started to spread throughout our town. It’s hard when you come to the realization that your private pain is now public. You think to yourself, “Now, everyone knows.” You are burdened down with so much secret pain until you cannot conceal it any longer. You feel as if the pain is all over your face; that everyone you meet can see what you’ve been trying to hide.
Heart Pain I call it “heart pain”. It’s the kind of pain you don’t trust anyone to talk about. It’s the kind of pain you seek relief from even if it’s just temporary relief. This is the kind of pain only the Lord can release out of your inner most being. The roots of “heart pain” run deep within. It resides in a place you don’t want anyone else to visit. So, you nurse heart pain; and, it just keeps growing deeper and deeper within you…until it begins to eat away at you… destroying you. Your world is crumbling all around that place where the “heart pain” resides. Seemingly, there is nothing you can do about it.
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Without the Lord, you haven’t the ability to pray and bring yourself out of heart pain. When you don’t serve Him as your personal savior, you don’t know where to go for the answers, help or deliverance you need. When you have walked away from what you knew as a child you may not know how to find a way back to safety. I found out that at your lowest point, that’s when someone is praying for you. When you need it most, the Lord does reveal Himself to you. At those times, He wants to show you that He will bring you through. However, because of our anger, our issues, our pain, we don’t want to embrace Him. Right then, God is the last thing on our minds. The devil, in his fight to keep us where he wants us, feeds us all kinds of lies: “God doesn’t love you. Why is God letting you go through like this? No one loves you–not your husband, not your child, not your family. You are all alone. No one cares. Just give up. Nothing is working for you. You may as well end it all!” You began to entertain the lies. Before you know it, you start planning a way to take yourself out of all the pain–of life as you know it. All of what satan has said to you makes sense. It sounds and looks like truth, it must be true. In fact, your pain is what caused you to isolate yourself from everyone. Nevertheless, you are hurting. You are so ashamed of how your life has turned out. You would do anything to fix it– even if it means taking your own life. You are clearly not in the right mindset!
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