SUMMER 2016 THIS PUBLICATION IS MEANT FOR ADULTS, BUT I CAN’T HELP IT IF YOU’RE A BAD PARENT AND LET YOUR CHILDREN READ THIS GARBAGE!
COLUMBUS’S ONLY HUMOR RAG, THUS MAKING IT COLUMBUS’S BEST HUMOR RAG!
AN INFLAMMATORY OPINION BY BETHANY FLUORIDE
Plus
COMICS! FAKE ADS! MADE UP NEWS STORIES! OBVIOUS PARODIES! URINATION JOKES! MONKEYS! ANGER!
KNOWN FOR HIS RADIO HIT “TIGHT LADY PARTS!”
POP SENSATION JOSH TURD MAKES HIS COLUMBUS CONCERT DEBUT AS PART OF HIS “SLAVE TO THE THROB” WORLD TOUR!
NATIONWORD ARENA
GET YOUR TICKETS TODAY!
BIGFOOT NEEDS YOUR
PANTS Hikers, boy scouts, and nature lovers live in constant fear of coming face to face with one of mother nature’s most shocking sights...
FULL FRONTAL SASQUATCH.
D E R O CENS
For the cost of only one cup of coffee an hour, you can clothe a bigfoot of your very own for an entire year. As a bigfoot sponsor, you will receive updates on your bigfoot’s fashion sense, small tokens of his appreciation such as pine cones, grubs and other forest garbage small enough to fit into an envelope, and a whole lot of self satisfaction.
CLOTHING FOR
BIGFOOT
foundation
I turn my tattoo gun up to “11!” Now offering “sterilized” equipment DUE TO FEDERAL MANDATE!
NO fancy awards. NO expensive certifications. WE PASS THE SAVINGS ON TO YOU!
WILLIAM “GRUNGE-NADS” PREPON
PORTRAITS!
CORPORATE LOGOS!
REGRETS!
OWNER & CHIEF TATTOO “ARTIST”
HIGH STREET, COLUMBUS, OH • (614) 555-3920 Scarring supple flesh sincenumber) 2010! 543 Weasel Hollow Rd., Intercourse, PA (no phone
THE COLUMBUS CLUMP #1
WE ASK OUR LOVABLE STAFF:
HAVE YOU EVER KILLED A MAN?
PUBLISHER
Hermie Lobeanotimé ADVERTISING DIRECTOR
Phylis Facetone SUPREME OVERLORD
Cobra Commander
ROBERTA FEAR
EDITOR-AT-LARGE AND IN-CHARGE
GOVERNMENT LOBBYIST
Dickford Cheny
I was addicted to meth for a number of years, soooooo maybe?
ALFONSO
ANDREA THROBBERT
CIRCULATION MANAGER/FISH
SELF-PROCLAIMED MARKETING EXPERT
(He’s a fish so he can’t talk, but we save a bundle not providing him health insurance.)
How do you think I got this job?
MAN WITH THE PLAN
MacGuyver JANITOR
Your Mom The Columbus Clump is published and distributed by a secret organization who have declared a clandestine war against squirrels. Those that stand in their path will be dealt with in the harshest way possible. The squirrels must not be allowed to develop superior nut gathering technology.
SAL FEEGODDA
MASKED MEAT MARAUDER
MADISON BRINKLEY SOCIAL MEDIA BRAT
GRIZZLED, NEAR-RETIREMENT JOURNALIST
I’m pretty sure you aren’t legally allowed to ask me that.
I threaten to kill about 100 bro-tards a day on Twitter, but I don’t act on it because then I’d have to leave my apartment.
Yes, but it doesn’t count. He was my step son and was asking for it. I’d do it again in a heartbeat!
CODY WHIPLINE
SHARK LIPS
Nah, dude. The producers of “Dateline” are following me around for an unrelated matter.
You know I had no choice but to eat my parents! Quit rubbing it in!
MEAT STEALING ADVICE COLUMNIST
CONTACT INFO
(BUT DON’T EXPECT US TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOU, YOU DIRTY PEASANT)
ColumbusClump@gmail.com ColumbusClump.tumblr.com Hey man, don’t be fooled. This is a work of parody. First amendment rights and all that stuff. If you’re easily offended, I’m happy for you, but don’t tread on me! DON’T TREAD ON ME! But seriously... If you are offended by any material contained within these pages, just take solace in that I have nothing to cling to in my life. I’m basically just waiting until the machines gain sentience and finally wipe us all out. It won’t be long now. We just need one magic asteroid to pass through our atmosphere, and they’ll all come alive. The malevolent toasters and waffle makers and iPhones will thin the herd out nicely, kind of like the plot from the awesome 1980s movie “Maximum Overdrive.” If you’re still reading this and get that stupid reference, then thank you. You’re my target audience. Either that or you’re Emilio Estevez.
MULLETTURTLE .STORENVY.COM
BETHANY FLUORIDE
IRRITABLE GRAPHIC DESIGNER/ PROBABLY HAS A SENSITIVITY TO GLUTEN No. The guy unfortunately survived.
ADVERTISING SALES WHORE
PITY INTERN
they might have said it “I know a lot of you will probably give me some weird looks for saying this, but I don’t care. I don’t believe in bees. Honey bees, bumble bees, that other kind of bee... Fruit bees? I think it’s all one gigantic hoax. Sometimes my wife will take me by the arm and point to some random flower and go “Don’t you see it? There’s a bee right there!” I just shake my head no.” Governor John Kasich while addressing a group of retired teachers or something “You know what I love more than winning National Championships? Flipping people the bird. Oh yeah. I give people the one finger salute every chance I get. One time I flipped this recruit’s mom off for a solid 15 minutes. I did the “I’m just using it to rub the side of my nose” thing. Then used it to point to just about everything in their house. Finally, I just stuck it in my pocket and flipped her the bird from there. I think her asshole son ended up going to some shit SEC school.” A guy claiming to be Urban Meyer to a random dude at the bus stop
COOL PEOPLE DOING COOL THINGS
2
COURTNEY C
ROSEMOUNT SPEED URINATION CHAMPION
ourtney Rosemount may look like your average self-absorbed millennial only concerned with posting a copious amount of food photos to Instagram, but she’s also the unquestioned champion of an up and coming fringe sport and is one of the few people that can boast of winning a literal pissing contest.
So Courtney, what exactly is competitive urination? That’s a great question! There’s a lot of confusion in the public. Most people think speed peeing pertains to how quickly an athlete can empty his or her bladder. In actuality, we’re judged by how fast we can force our stream of urine out of us. Accuracy, poise, and keeping the splatter zone to a minimum are all factors, but speed is really what wins. You don’t say. How fast was your winning stream? Sophisticated motion sensors clocked it going 88.3 mph, a world record! My boyfriend joked it could have gotten Michael J. Fox back to the future.
HOMETOWN: DUBLIN OCCUPATION: DENTAL HYGIENIST SONG YOU CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF: RUSSIAN TECHNO OPERA FAVORITE MOVIE: THE NOTEBOOK - BUT THE SPECIAL “GOLDEN SHOWERS” EDITION I FOUND ON SOME WEIRD GERMAN FETISH SITE. THOSE GUYS REALLY KNOW HOW TO PEE!
That’s funny. Competitive urination seems like an unlikely sport for normal people to get involved in. You must be messed up. How did you get into it? It’s a pretty hilarious story, actually. My boyfriend, Decklin, and I were staying at my parent’s beach house when he stepped on a jellyfish. He screamed so much from the pain I couldn’t help but laugh at him! I tried to find out what to do, but my phone couldn’t pick up a wi-fi signal. We walked almost a mile to an Arby’s where I could finally get some internet. After updating my Facebook status, posting a video of Decklin crying, taking a couple of selfies, and making a purchase from Amazon, I Googled what to do for jellyfish stings. It turns out someone on a poisonous animal forum said to pee on it, so that’s what I did right behind the dumpster at Arby’s. My stream of pee hit Decklin’s foot with such velocity, it hurt him more than the jellyfish venom!
That’s when the Competitive Urination League founder and former champion, Hans Zeurlein, started applauding me. He had actually been inside the dumpster, scarfing down some half-eaten roast beef sandwiches the whole time. It’s just like one of those classic stories you hear about from old Hollywood when a famous actress is discovered and plucked off the street! Wow. That sounds really disturbing. So your boyfriend wasn’t creeped out at all? Well, my pee hit him so hard that he still walks with a slight limp, but he’s hella supportive. It takes a special guy to want to hold a radar gun 3 inches away from his girlfriend’s urine stream! What are your future plans? Do you think you’ll be able to defend your title? Oh yeah! I’m already training for next year’s world championships in Oslo. Decklin has made me start peeing in the sink, though, because the intense speed of my stream is chipping the porcelain of our toilet. I also just signed a contract to endorse a new line of bathroom cleaning products named ChemChug. They’re 25% organic and made from the best free-range ingredients, so they seem pretty great. I think they’re GMO and antibiotic free as well. Other than that, I’ve gotten a couple offers from some website companies I‘m cautiously considering. The creative freedom just has to be there, though. Do you have advice for future competitive urinators? Squeeze, never pinch, and always drink plenty of water.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $ $ $ All it takes is a 15 minute semi-painless surgery $ by one of our semi-caring professionals! $ $ $ $ ALL SIZES, $ COLORS, AND $ FIVE CONVENIENT LOCATIONS! TEXTURES $ Need some extra money? Then why hang ACCEPTED! HILLIARD • GROVE CITY • CANAL WINCHESTER on to one of those extra hands? $ WESTERVILLE • EASTON $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
YOU ONLY NEED ONE HAND, SO WHY NOT GET PAID?
= $$$
$ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $
IS IT ART? PROBABLY NOT.
3
BOLD NEW ARTIST WOWS WITH FIRST GALLERY SHOW ENTITLED “FUCK CERAMICS” N
ewly discovered artist Lipton Javers is wowing local art lovers with his first ever gallery show entitled “Fuck Ceramics.” I was lucky enough to catch up with Javers to get the scoop on his provocative new work as he was leaving his day job as a parking garage security guard. “I never had any interest in being some fancy artist jerk. I can’t even draw a damn stick man without a ruler and a belt of whiskey,” he yelled at me from the open window of his beat up Cadillac. “It all started with my crazy wife. She insisted we take this ceramics class together. She said it would save our lousy marriage.” Lipton paused. I could see in his dead shark eyes that he trusted me enough to move forward with his artistic origin story. “For six weeks, I struggled with the clay. I kneaded it. I mashed it. I watched it go round and round on the wheel thing. You know what I learned after six weeks? I learned that ceramics sucks!” “I spent over $600 for both of us to take that class because God knows she refuses to get a job and she ends up shacking up with our mailman anyway! All she left me with were a bunch of misshapen ceramics I had made. What the hell was I going to do with those?” What the hell indeed. A wise man
I HATE CERAMICS! #6 $35 OR $65 TO SMASH IT
once said that through pain comes truth. This proved to be apt in Javers’s case as he was touched by divine inspiration. He continued with a description of how his artistic vision bloomed. “I picked up a hammer and smashed the shit out of the ten pound ashtray I had made her. I envisioned I was hitting her face as it shattered into a bunch of shards. It felt good so I did it to a mug I had tried to make that had been splattered with 3 inches of thick glaze. This time I imagined I was hitting my no good boss’s face. Then another bowl that my teacher called a paper weight. I hurled that sucker into the wall while envisioning it was my mother-in-law’s parrot,” Javers lamented. “By the end of it, I was actually feeling much better about my situation. That’s when I had the idea that other rage filled people would pay to destroy some of my putrid pieces!” What Javers hadn’t considered was that his creative smashing process had transformed his amateurish crap into high art worth thousands of dollars. OSU professor of art therapy, Dr. Marie LePeutt, already sees the timeless spirit of humanity’s struggle present in Javers’s freshman work. She goes so far as to even call them masterpieces fit for a frustrated and turbulent time.
I HATE CERAMICS! #9 $15
“It speaks to the nature of all of us, to all of mankind,” she exclaimed. “The raw passion and outrage it takes for him to smash these deformed, goblin-esque ceramics illustrates his vexation with the modern world. He’s not just smashing his crumby bowls and mugs. He’s smashing his out of control credit card debt. He’s smashing his pathetic life that he spends most of in a parking garage. Most importantly, he’s smashing his ex-wife who dragged him to do something he never wanted to do in the first place. I can see these being valuable pieces someday after Lipton drops dead of a heart attack.” Even honored as one of Columbus’s up and coming artists, Javers remains ever humble. He’s kept himself grounded despite the heaps of critical praise he’s received. “I’ve almost recouped the class fees of $600. That’s really all this art crap is about to me. I just want my money back!” Javers said, gunning his engine impatiently. “Now get the fuck out of my way!” Fuck Ceramics is
I HATE CERAMICS! #21 $23
open to the public at the 5th and Main parking garage until the end of the month.
EDITORS NOTE: Days after this interview with Lipton Javers, it was announced he was this year’s recipient of the Harriet Bowman Emerging Artist Grant worth $400. That puts him only $50 short of his goal of earning $600.
Lipton Javers isn’t taking his success lightly.
IRREGULAR COOKIE OUTLET SUPER COOK-TACULAR SAVINGS! Why Pay Full BUY A DOZEN Price for Regular IRREGULAR Cookies When COOKIES AND GET A Ours are Almost HANDFUL OF COOKIE CRUMBS Offer only valid with valid coupon, valid birth certificate, after taking a short personality quiz, and submitting to us a sample of your blood. Expires 12/12/16 Lead Free?
FREE!
556 CEMENT CREEK ROAD • LEWIS CENTER
OBVIOUSLY FAKE NEWS
4
COLUMBUS STATE TO ADD HARRY POTTER INSPIRED CLASS
A
THUNDERCAT ON THE LOOSE IN COLUMBUS?
I
t was a quiet evening on West Broad Street when a series of lightning strikes abruptly intruded on the serenity. When the smoke finally cleared and the smell of ozone had dissipated, a curious feline figure stood in the aftermath. West Broad resident LeeAnn O’Toole was there. “I’m a cat lover. I’m super into cats, especially those I find online. This thing wasn’t anything like those internet cats,” she told me while simultaneously texting her seven year old daughter. “This thing had a sword and kept shouting obscenities at someone named Mumm-Ra.” Police were called to the scene and Sergeant Bruce Frack had the unenviable job of subduing the well-armed anthropomorphic cat-man. “It was wild, I tell you. Never have I been so grateful that I wear long sleeves,” the girthy cop sternly said. “The little guy ran around on two legs shouting “ThunderCats, Ho!” and called for something named a “Snarf.” We put out a saucer of milk and some tuna. That calmed him down enough that he stopped swinging his sword at us. He insisted we call him Lion-O.” For you nerds out there reading this, you’re probably geeking out right now with all the references to the popular ThunderCats cartoon show. Did the mysterious lightning strikes cause a rift through time and space that allowed a super cat warrior from Thundera to slip into our world? According to renowned physicist and talk show host, Dr. Maury Povich, it’s possible. “The odds of a world populated by cat people are slim, but as I’ve learned from my mega popular talk show, anyone can be the daddy!” the weirdo grinned from our Skype connection. Sergeant Frack had a different explanation. “We see this all the time. It’s just a regular feral cat hopped up on bath salts.” Police successfully disarmed Lion-O and took him into custody. He’s currently held at the Cat Welfare Ohio office in Clintonville and awaits to be adopted to a good home.
little bit of magic is finally coming to the depressing campus of Columbus State Community College. It was announced yesterday that CSCC has entered into a professor exchange program with its sister school, the legendary Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. For you muggles out there, Hogwarts is well known as the institution where international celebrity Harry Potter honed his skills and defeated the villainous Voldemort. As part of the agreement, Professor Whisperspring Slitherpants will take up residence in central Ohio and teach his seminal class, Practical Patronuses: Protection From Everyday Annoyances, at CSCC next semester. Mr. Slitherpants was unavailable for comment, but he was able to send me an enchanted doodle of a wizard via owl that was able to give further information about this fascinating new curriculum. “A patronus charm is a sort of mystical guardian, a sort of spiritual protector a witch or wizard can use to ward off evil dementors,” the little sketch explained with a slight British drawl. Again, for you ignorant muggles, dementors are basically nasty wraiths that will swarm their victims and try to steal their souls. A patronus born of a happy thought is the only way to keep the specters at bay. “Since you Ohioans don’t have any dementors around, Professor Slitherpants has developed some variant patronus spells capable of warding off more common and mundane foes you people encounter on a daily basis,” the drawing continued. “They can keep homeless people from begging you for change, stop the electric company from shutting off your power for nonpayment, make a fast food worker think twice about spitting in your burger, intimidate businesses into giving you the student discount even though you graduated five years ago, stop jerks from cutting you off in traffic, and so on.” “Unlike stags, hares, foxes and other patronuses the students of Hogwarts can conjure, practical patronuses appear a lot less majestic and a lot more threatening. Most people manifest a grimacing white dude flipping the bird. Other known apparitions include a screaming woman that resembles Kathy Bates, a flailing toddler that constantly swings its arms in a windmill fashion, and Stone Cold Steve Austin.” Halfway through our discussion, I brought up that I thought it was a bad idea to use such a malicious spell to solve such humdrum problems. The little slip of paper answered me in a snide tone. “These people are in community college. They’ve already made quite a number of bad choices in their lives. What’s a few more?” Practical Patronuses is open for registered CSCC students beginning next week. Demand is expected to be high and space is very limited.
MEDICATION FOR EXCESSIVE BELLY BUTTON LINT RECALLED Lintublin, the new prescription drug that promises to eliminate excessive belly button lint, has been ordered to be taken off the shelves by a federal mandate. As of noon tomorrow, millions of sufferers will be denied access to the pills that were once heralded as “tiny miracles.” The recall was prompted by a startling number of complaints that, in addition to its other numerous side effects that include sleep apnea, an uncontrollable appetite for spaghetti, and color blindness, Lintublin also adversely causes an increase in butt crack lint. “This is atrocious!” Clarissa Feldmar shouted over the din of an impassioned protest that had gathered outside of the state capital building. “The government can’t take away my Lintublin!
It’s the only thing that can deal with my crippling belly button lint problem!” Clarissa is not alone. Studies show that the average American sheds 2.3 tons of belly button lint a year; up 35% since 1990. The National Naval Institute spokeswoman, Janice Wheep, offered these words to all those who are left feeling the withdrawal effects of no more Lintublin. “Uh, I think you have the wrong Naval Institute. We deal with ships and stuff with the U.S. Navy. You mean navel, with an “e.” I don’t care about your stupid problems,” she said dispassionately before hanging up on me. For now, those with this stupid problem must wait. They must wait and hope that somehow their Lintublin is restored.
CONSPIRACY THEORY CORNER
5
THE MINERVA MONKEY: MENACE, EVEN BIGGER MENACE, OR ULTRA MENACE?
By Whiskey Slimjim s many of you know, our fair city of Columbus was infiltrated by a new and unforeseen threat this past winter. Since I stay off the grid by living in my van down by the Scioto, details of this story have only just recently reached me. Furthermore, because the internet is filled with nothing but automated A.I. bots just waiting to dig their nasty cyber clamps into me, it took me several additional weeks to properly research the severity of this case. My findings are more than disturbing. Please forgive the lateness of this dire warning, but it still may be delivered in time to avert a full on Armageddon scenario. Here are the indisputable facts: On the chilly morning of Thursday, February 4, a police officer spotted what he believed to be a monkey sitting in a tree within Minerva Park. After some investigation, it was revealed that no one in the immediate area nor the entire state of Ohio had reported their monkey missing. Quite a mysterious piece of information since the law clearly states that all exotic pet owners must register their animals. Despite a thorough and exhaustive search of the vicinity, the cryptic monkey eluded capture. A few
A
HERE ARE THE CLUMP’S SURVIVAL TIPS YOU WILL NEED TO ESCAPE APE ENSLAVEMENT!
concerned citizens reported encounters with the beast at the time, but it’s been all quiet on the monkey front for months now. Most seem resigned to the fact that the monkey was unable to survive our harsh winter and has since died of exposure. I believe a far more sinister agenda is at hand. As you can see by the “official” narrative, there’s definitely something amiss with this monkey situation. Nobody can dismiss the strange circumstances of the story, which obviously means there’s a conspiracy afoot here. At first I thought this was all an “Outbreak” situation. Like the premise of the 1995 film Outbreak, starring Dustin Hoffman, this infected monkey was dropped into America’s heartland by the Illuminati in order to spread a devastating contagion. As a large portion of the population dies by bleeding from every orifice, the government declares martial law and we’re all screwed! While this hypothesis is completely sound, I must admit it has one serious flaw. There has been ample time since the monkey first made contact and no Ebola-like virus has swept through central Ohio... Yet! It’s still possible the incurable disease is incubating, though
no epidemic appears to loom on the horizon. I thought my initial suspicion that this was a conspiracy was as dead as JFK, RFK, and JFK Jr. combined until I remembered one small detail. The officer who first sighted the monkey thought it resembled a howler monkey. Howler monkey... The words filled my non-fevered brain as I tried to get some sleep in the back of my rusty van. Then it all made perfect sense. According to Larry, the crazy hobo that lives by Deaf School Park who knows lots about animals, howler monkeys get their name from the loud vocalizations they constantly make. This monkey is no Illuminati bioweapon. This monkey is the perfect scout, able to signal his super intelligent ape overlords when we’re at our weakest. Bear with me, as I’m unfortunately unable to reveal all the information I have in my dossier on the subject. If some of the classified information I have ever got out, it’d be too easy to trace back to my sources. Some good people may end up paying the ultimate price. I already have too much blood on my hands. All you need to know is that there’s a faction of super intelligent
1
KEEP AN AMPLE SUPPLY OF BANANAS ON HAND. IT MAY BE A STEREOTYPE, BUT APES LOVE BANANAS AND WILL READILY ACCEPT THEM AS BRIBES.
2
THE GOVERNMENT ISN’T COMING TO SAVE YOU. THEY’LL HOLE UP IN THEIR UNDERGROUND BUNKERS AT THE FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE. YOUR BEST BET IS TO FOLLOW THE FIRST GUY NAMED “BUBBA” YOU ENCOUNTER AND START A BRAVE, YET DOOMED RESISTANCE MOVEMENT.
3
THOSE AMONG US WITH THE MOST BACK HAIR ARE THE SAFEST. THEY WILL BE ABLE TO BLEND IN EASIER WITH THE APE TYRANTS. CEASE ALL WAXING IMMEDIATELY! YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT!
apes hellbent on world domination. Inadvertently created by the military industrial complex, they’ve been bidding their time for decades, waiting for the perfect moment to strike at humanity. I’ve taken it upon myself to track down this enemy agent posing as an innocent monkey and eliminate the threat once and for all. I just pray I’ve used enough camouflage to be able to sneak up on the little prick! The ape takeover could happen at any minute, so heed the advice I’m able to give you. Be aware of any gorillas in your neighborhood. They will be the initial shock troops so if you see them in the streets, it’s a good bet the invasion has started. Don’t approach any of these apes unless you are armed with a fully functional firearm (that means automatic). Larry tells me apes instinctively fear fire, so if push comes to shove, burn everything in sight to the ground! Until then, pray for me. Pray to the one Lord above us all that He will give me the strength to break that little bastard howler monkey’s neck! In addition to being a prolific zine maker and anti-Canadian pundit, Whiskey Slimjim is also the inventor of the pet product, Cat Meth. He is currently in violation of his parole.
6
C IT SH LL BU
INFLAMMATORY OPINIONS
OV
STOP PUTTING ON EVERYTHING, ASSHOLES! “J
ER O ST ! RY
GRAND OPENING EVENT THIS FRIDAY!
By Bethany Fluoride ust take it!” That’s what my ex-boyfriend Crispin told me to do until I came at him with a knife. “Just take it!” That’s what my ex-bestfriend Julianne told me before I spit in her face. “Just take it!” That’s what my ex-cat Mr. Princess told me. At least I think that’s what he said. I was on a lot of cold medicine at the time. Well, people of Columbus, I’m sorry to tell you my rage level is at code red and my poor stress ball has been squeezed to the consistency of Play-Doh®. I can no longer “Just take it.” What has my panties in a bunch, you ask? Here it is: I can no longer take seeing people vomit out any more merchandise with the outline of Ohio on it! PEOPLE ARE PUTTING IT ON LITERALLY EVERYFUCKING-THING! I see it on t-shirts, on coasters, on wine glasses, on key chains, on soap, on jewelry, and even on the cover of this shitty publication. So-called crafters are the absolute worst at this. They seem to think it’s trendy to slap a fucking image of Ohio on all of their shitty projects. Ohio on hand-sewn baby bibs, Ohio on reclaimed wood end-tables, Ohio on wheel-thrown pottery, Ohio etched into glass, Ohio on jars of raw honey, Ohio stitched on vegan leather wallets, and even just a plain old Ohio people can hang on their walls like it’s fucking art! “Oh, it’s cute! What’s the big deal, Bethany?” Julianne asked me moments before I hocked a slimy loogie on her cheek, ending our friendship forever. Why the hell are these fuckwits so gah-gah over Ohio? Why don’t they use the tiniest bit of creativity and come up with something a little more original? Plus Ohio is perhaps one of the ugliest shaped states in America! It’s nothing compared to the raw sexuality of Idaho or the subtle handsomeness of Virginia! The final straw though, the final thing that inspired me to immortalize this rant in print on actual paper, happened when I went to vote. After I cast my primary
ballot for that old turd Bernie Sanders, the volunteer at the polling place handed me a sticker. I don’t vote often because democracy is all a colossal joke, so this sticker was new to me. I nearly had an anger-aneurysm when I looked at it. There, emblazoned on a cheap circular sticker was “I (Shape of Ohio) Voting.” “It doesn’t make any fucking sense at all!” I snarled at Crispin. “What shit-heel approved this nonsense with my tax dollars?” “People are proud of their state, hon,” he mumbled while sluggishly patching a hole in the drywall that I had punched in our wall. “I OHIO VOTING MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE! WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MEAN?” I snapped back. “It means I Heart Voting. Ohio is like the shape of a heart. I don’t see why you’re so worked up over something this insignificant!” That’s when I got the knife. Maybe if he saw what his still beating heart looked like, he wouldn’t think it resembled the mother fucking shape of Ohio anymore! While the Columbus City Police Force, Judge Joyce Womchack, and my probation officer all think I should just go back to taking it, I will continue to wage my private one woman war against the proliferation of Ohio images used in pointless and tacky ways. Like the Marvel Comics anti-hero, The Punisher, I will purge the city of this wrong. Mark my words; all those who use Ohio to adorn their products will pay the price. I’m talking to you, crafters!
A MESSAGE FROM OUR PUBLISHER, HERMIE LOBEANOTIMÉ
No man has watched more martial arts instruction videos on YouTube than Sensei Ritchie... NO MAN IS MORE PREPARED TO TEACH YOU HOW TO KICK ASS! MIXED MARTIAL ARTS CLASSES FOR SERIOUS STUDENTS No Prior Experience of Physical Fitness Required!
Morris Road • Columbus Ohio
It has come to my attention that one of The Clump’s good friends and stalwart advertisers, Hans Manthrax, has recently come under fire from the liberal media. A salacious article published by one of our left leaning rivals alleges that the multiple Hands 4 Cash establishments Mr. Manthrax owns and operates are not only unethical but hideously unsanitary. I know Hans to be a world-class entrepreneur and pillar of the community. His many small businesses around town employ almost 45 of our neighbors and comrades. I can personally attest to the fact that the findings in this one-sided expose are absolutely false. I know because I, myself, have been a Hands 4 Cash customer. Hans even wielded the severing cleaver himself on my visit. It’s not something I often talk openly about as it was a very dark time in my life. Without the $80.00 Hans gave me for my right hand, I wouldn’t have been able to bribe the prosecutor into dropping the trumped up drunk and disorderly charges against my fiancé. Plus, after the infection scabbed over, I got myself one of those
cool stone hands like Hellboy, so it actually worked out to my benefit. Since that time, Hans and I have become very close colleagues. Our wives belong to the same underground fighting league and he’s even invited my children to his house to play in the hand pit he had built in his backyard. The FBI’s AntiDismemberment Task Force would have you believe Hans is a perverted ghoul, hellbent on collecting as many culled hands as he can to construct a gigantic “hand palace.” I can assure you that this is simply not true. Sure, in addition to the hand pit, he did commission the erection of a “hand gazebo,” but that is all. The truth is that most of the hands Hans buys are sold by the pound to high end dog food manufacturers. He keeps only the nicest hands for himself. It’s important to know all the facts in these sorts of complicated matters, dear readers. I implore you to do your own unbiased research, sell one of your own hands, and know the real man before jumping to any conclusions. Thank you.
SOME RANDOM COMICS 2ND AMENDMENT BIRTH CONTROL
7
TOILET JERK
SHOVE IT IN YOUR FACE AND CHEW
8
DO YOU HAVE A HEAD OF LETTUCE YOU WANT TO FORGET ABOUT UNTIL IT’S A SOGGY, ROTTING MESS? HOW ABOUT SOME CARROTS YOU’D LIKE TO HANG ONTO UNTIL THEY’VE TRANSFORMED INTO SOMETHING UNRECOGNIZABLE ?
THEN IT’S TIME TO
PUT THEM IN THE CRISPER!
OREGON TRAIL MAKES COMEBACK IN COOL NEW BAR
The explosion of video game bars continues in Columbus with the opening of The Dusty Floppy Disk. Thirty-somethings everywhere remember a time before the internet when if you wanted your computer to do anything cool, you had to insert a large black disk into an archaic drive. Floppy Disk owner Grant Bastion recalls that time all too well. “Oh yeah, I played the hell out of my family’s old Apple IIGS back in the day,” Bastion tells me in between sips of an apricot-infused microbrew. “Childhood memories are crazy big business right now and I intend to make some bank!” Bastion better hope so, because unlike other area arcade bars, The Dusty Floppy Disk currently only has one game with poor graphics for its patrons: The Oregon Trail. Played by many children in the late 1980s and early 90s, this ancient game illuminated the hardships our pioneer forefathers faced as they headed west. Among other things, kids learned how to shoot buffalo with “pong-sized” bullets, the value of a good oxen team, and that old-timey folk often died of fatal diarrhea. “As an 8 year old, my mother had to explain to me what dysentery was. I lost more imaginary in-game family members that way. I was terrified for years I’d poop myself to death!” Bastion laughs, spitting droplets of his fruity beer all over my jacket. As to why his establishment only offers one old 8-bit game full of wagon trains and fording rivers,
Bastion reveals a more personal time in his life. “One of my most prominent recollections growing up are my parents fighting. No physical violence or anything, but it was always the same pattern. My mother would storm out and go squeeze some rounds off at the shooting range. My dad would pour himself a straight glass of scotch, play The Oregon Trail (as it was the only thing our computer could do), and softly cry as he failed to get his whole video game family to the west coast. He would drink faster the more his characters would die. I don’t think he ever knew I’d sneak out of bed and watch him. I think that’s why I had to be in intensive therapy for most of my high school years.” Painful memories of youth plus $15.00 specialty drinks during happy hour mark The Dusty Floppy Disk as a must stop in this emerging niche bar experience!
ALL TIME OREGON TRAIL POINT LEADERS: COCK CHEESE SANDY B. RICK IS A WHORE PENISPENIS SCHMITTY THIS SUCKS NAKED TED CRUZ
7853 TRAIL GUIDE 7622 TRAIL GUIDE 5504 ADVENTURER 4320 ADVENTURER 4290 ADVENTURER 2965 GREENHORN 2816 GREENHORN
LIZ LESSNER UNVEILS THE SURLY WHISTLEPIG!
C E L E B R AT E
I N T E R N AT I O N A L
CRISPER
DAY OCTOBER 7th, 2016!
Every foodie in Columbus knows of prominent restaurateur Liz Lessner and none of them can wait for the opening of her newest trendy grub-hole in the Short North. A revamp of her much beloved Surly Girl Saloon, which closed in 2015, the Surly Whistlepig Saloon features some fan favorites with a new twist. “I always thought that woodchucks, ground hogs, and whistle pigs were different animals,” Lessner tells me minutes before boarding her private jet at Port Columbus. “After I looked them up on Wikipedia, I just fell in love with the cute little critters! They all but beckoned to be celebrated in one of my restaurants!” Aside from the cool taxidermied groundhog decor, a continuous loop of the cult classic Bill Murray film, Groundhog Day, plays all day on the bar’s three flat screens. This is just the vintage Lessner dash of cool irony all the hip kids adore. The specialty menu is a regular smörgåsbord of
groundhog inspired dishes such as groundhog pot roast sandwiches, chili con groundhog, bacon wrapped groundhog fillets, and more. Fear not vegetarians, there are options on the menu for you too like a pile of dandelions to nibble on. Of course all entrées come with a side of Fritos®. The unique cuisine coupled with $15.00 specialty drinks will make you want to see your shadow all year long. Or some other lame groundhog reference. You get the idea. HOUSE SPECIALTY COCKTAIL:
THE ROWDY RODENT • 4 OZ. APPLE CIDER • 4 OZ. GRAIN ALCOHOL • 1 PACKET OF TACO BELL HOT SAUCE • GARNISH WITH 2 ANTACID TABLETS
MADE UP MOVIE REVIEWS ROCKY BALBOA VERSUS THE PREDATOR
9
PG-13 • 1 HR 16 MIN
“It ain’t about how many times an invisible alien shoots you with a laser. It’s about how many times an invisible alien can shoot you with a laser and you keep getting up!” Sylvester Stallion reprises his most famous shirtless role as well as writes and directs this year’s most anticipated cross-over film. A mysterious alien being is on the loose and decapitating the boxers of Philadelphia. Unable to find a worthy opponent, the Predator sets its infrared sights on the baddest warrior Philly has to offer: legendary retired heavyweight champion Rocky Balboa. After a savage street brawl in which the Italian Stallion is left bloody and barely alive, the punch drunk champ accepts he can’t go the distance this time around. Setting long standing differences aside, he enlists the aid of his former enemy, Ivan Drago. Dolph Lundgren appears once again as the heartless communist megavillain. Decades after his defeat, Drago now seeks an opportunity at redemption and a taste of what the American dream is all about. I won’t reveal any spoilers, but the ending definitely sets up a sequel as our two heroes are set adrift in a barely functional space craft battling some certain H.R. Giger designed xenomorphs. While the plot becomes a little constipated towards the 45 minute mark and I counted no less than three semi-erotic training montages, fans of the Rocky franchise won’t want to miss 5 THUMBS UP! his most brutal bout yet.
THE MAN WHO LOVED HIS STAPLER TOO MUCH
R • 2 HR 5 MIN
Cinema auteur, Felipe Whitehead, became the darling of the indie film scene last fall when his masterpiece, The Autumn Sun Blooms from the Heart, won numerous industry awards. Many were surprised he would forgo filming another droning arthouse project and instead choose a tense horror thriller as his next effort. The Man Who Loved His Stapler Too Much follows cubicle dweller Martin Greesel (played by Jude Law) and his more than unhealthy relationship with his stapler. Other office workers pass Martin off as a harmless eccentric, but they will soon feel his wraith when his beloved stapler turns up missing. A lusciously shot, slow burner of a movie, The Man Who Loved His Stapler is sure to be another feather in Whitehead’s cap. Jude Law is bound to get some award buzz as he put on over 60 pounds of weight for the role and that seems to be something these sorts of judges like. It should also be noted that Mila Kunis lends her tremendous talent as the uncredited voice of the deranged Stapler.
7 THUMBS UP AND A CAT HEAD!
THE NEVERENDING STORY
PG-13 • 3 HR 45 MIN
Can you think of a beloved 1980s franchise Michael Bay hasn’t screwed up? Feel free to add this nauseating remake of the Neverending Story to the list. Featuring a mostly CGI cast voiced by stars that include Kevin Hart as “Falkor,”Melissa McCarthy as “Rock Biter,” and Meagan Fox as “The Nothing,” this piece of cinematic garbage’s lone highlight is an hour and a half of slow motion explosions. Atticus Shaffer (that awkward teen from the ABC show “The Middle”) stars as a nerdy kid who, through a series of convoluted circumstances that no one can follow, is transported to the mystical realm of Fantasia in order to save its residents from the Nothing (Meagan Fox). I will concede that Shaffer does a pretty good acting job considering he’s the only non-CGI thing on the screen for the final 2 hours. Everything else is one big shit sandwich.
6 SHIT SANDWICHES!
BEER + CEREAL: THE STORY OF BEERIOS
PG-13 • 47 MIN
Who wouldn’t want to begin their day with a hearty, alcoholic bowl of cereal? That’s the premise of this documentary created by local OSU frat boy filmmakers, Gnarly Ted and Hambone. They keep their cell phone cameras rolling for this intimate peek into their lives as they embark on an epic quest to get funding for Beerios, the first beer infused cereal. Thanks to a successful Kickstarter campaign, the two partners have enough funds for some initial proof of concept boxes of Beerios as well as an impromptu pot-fueled road trip to try and get on the hit TV show Shark Tank. Will Mark Cuban put up $250,000 for a 15% stake in their company or will he just steal their weed and call security to escort them off the premises? I guess the only way to find out is to watch this heartwarming tale full of emotion, hope, and erratic camera footage.
3½ THUMBS UP!
WE HANDLE THE CLOGS THAT THOSE OTHER PANSIES ARE TOO CHICKEN TO TOUCH! NO DRAIN IS TOO TOUGH FOR US! DON’T BELIEVE US? THEN LISTEN TO ONE OF OUR SATISFIED CUSTOMERS! “I called No Mercy Drain Cleaners after one of those name brand companies ran out of my bathroom screaming. Big Tee and his crew came in and right away knew this clog was a doozy. It took a lot of grit, determination, and 26 pounds of napalm, but No Mercy proved they were up to the task. A lot of good men died that fateful day, but my drain has never been clearer.” -Judith Chairhandle, Hilliard
WE’LL CLEAR YOUR DRAINS NO MATTER HOW MANY OF OUR EMPLOYEES HAVE TO DIE! THAT’S THE BIG TEE GUARANTEE!
Big Tee, Owner
(614) 555-DEATH
ADVICE FOR STUPID PEOPLE
ASK THE MASKED MEAT MARAUDER Dear Mr. Marauder, I have a really super serious problem that I’m hoping you can help me with. My boyfriend has really been acting lukewarm around me lately. He used to send me photos of his penis 2 or 3 times a week. Now I’m lucky to see his little pickle at all! I suspect he’s been cheating on me with my slut BFF, Staci. I really like this guy. He’s really good at ultimate Frisbee, his family has a lot of money, and he drives a tricked out Honda Civic. How do I reignite our love? - Kind of Bummed on High Street As I always say: Nothing will kindle unbridled passion between people more than stealing large amounts of meat together. If you ever want to see pics of your man’s meat again, you should heed these words of wisdom. Spend hours together staking out a grocery store. When you know the habits of the flunkies who run the meat department by heart, make your move. Swipe all the packages of hamburger you can. I guarantee your beau will be so turned on, you’ll be making love on that hamburger at a sleazy hotel. Or you can take the easy route and trick him into knocking you up.
Dear MMM, Three months ago I was a bridesmaid at my college roommate Cassie’s wedding. It was a less than classy affair. She and the groom even got gross matching tattoos instead of rings for God’s sake! The buffet was “meh” and Cassie’s creepy 17 year old brother wouldn’t quite bothering me all night, but I digress. I’m writing to ask your opinion on a very grave matter. I got Cassie and her greasy husband a very nice wedding gift: a set of matching his and her hand towels. You know, something she can easily take half of when they inevitably get divorced. So it’s been a while now and I have yet to receive a thank you card for such a nice present. What a bitch, right? What should I do? Write her a strongly worded e-mail? Hire a crowd of people to gang stalk them? Burn them all? - Off Her Meds in German Village I see only one solution, Off Her Meds. Break into those piece of shit newlyweds’ apartment and steal all their pork chops.
REMEMBER WHEN THIS USED TO BE A MOTHERFUCKING POUND SIGN?
The only craft beer capable of quenching your inner asshole
WAKE UP AMERICA! HASHTAGS ARE DESTROYING OUR WAY OF LIFE! IT’S TIME WE TAKE BACK OUR # AND REFER TO THEM AS GOD INTENDED: POUNDSIGNS! SIGN THE PETITION TODAY!
Savor the feeling of drinking really shitty beer that costs $12 a glass.
#POUNDSIGNFOLIFE PAID FOR BY THE ANTI-HASHTAG LEAGUE
Now Available at your Nearest Over-Priced Grocery Store! Drink responsibly or don’t. We don’t care as long as you buy more beer.
10
THE MASKED MEAT MARAUDER IS COLUMBUS’S ONLY EXPERT IN STEALING MEAT AND SOLVING RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS!
classifieds RENTAL LIVING
REAL ESTATE
ONE MONTH FREE! LOW SECURITY DEPOSIT!
CONVERTED METH LAB NOW READY TO FLOURISH!
Newly updated 1BR apt. Will rent to first person who applies. Don’t look in the walls or under the floor boards. $695/mo. Call 614-555-8010. AMAZING PROPERTY CLOSE TO DOWNTOWN Move-in ready if you have the $$$! If you don’t, feel free to fuck off, you poverty stricken piece of shit! Call Nero - 614-555-0800. SERIOUS APPLICANTS ONLY
Once the scene of a million dollar meth operation and 5 day police standoff, this charming 4 BR, 2BA home is refurbished and ready to sell! Basement crime scene is a great conversation starter! Good schools! $136,800. GREASEBUCKET REALTY 724-555-4991
CHEAPEST RENT IN TOWN!
PRIME PROPERTY
Winterhill Woods Apartment complex has been featured on local television news stations usually as the top story for years! Many move-in ready units to chose from, some still furnished with belongings former tenants left behind! Come join our colorful community of urban go-getters located in the heavenly oasis of Whitehall! View video footage and testimonials at www.brutalpolicechases.com/winterhill ***WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR VEHICLE GETTING STOLEN WHILE ON PREMISES***
GREAT LOT READY FOR DEVELOPMENT! MUST DEMOLISH OR RELOCATE SMALL ORPHANAGE FIRST. WE’RE READY TO DEAL! CALL 816-555-9990. ASK FOR SUZY, AGENT FOR CHEAPWILL REALTY.
WHAT TERMITE DAMAGE?
Seriously - What termite damage? They haven’t whittled this lovely log cabin down nothing but a pile of sawdust! Act fast! Excelsior Rising Realty 614-555-3310
FOR SALE CANAL WINCHESTER - 2BR, 1BA, gated community, no pets, no parties, no alcohol, no people. Utilities not included. 614-555-3208
DOWNTOWN CONDO AVAILABLE FOR SUB-LEASE
Come on bro, bail me out. Monthly rent is $75,000. I’ve already claimed bankruptcy twice in my life and am only 28. Please act fast or landlord named Nero will break my legs. Call me immediately - 614-555-7740. NEWLY RENOVATED ROOM! Low Deposit! Rent by the month or hour! Call Little Bill - 724-555-6440 GREAT PROPERTY FOR RIGHT PERSON 3 BR, 2BA, Utilities included. Pets extra. Almost blood stain free. Call Nancy (acquitted on all charges) 614-555-9977
REAL ESTATE HOUSE FOR SALE
Pretty sweet crib. Some water damage. Some rhino damage. Motivated seller. Call Craig at 614-555-6626.
STOP PAYING RENT LIKE AN UGLY LOSER, YOU STUPID DUMBASS!
FULLY FUNCTIONAL PORTABLE SAWMILL. MAKE YOUR OWN LUMBER! CUT OTHER THINGS. $750 614-555-0418
HELP WANTED
SEXUAL SERVICES
COFFEE MUG FOR SALE
IT PROFESSIONAL WANTED
CAT SITTER WANTED Temporary cat sitter needed while I’m out of the state on business. Cat is wonderful bundle of feline joy named after the Hindu goddess of death. She enjoys hissing at all people and ambushing enemies. Migrant workers or other non-English speaking people are encouraged to apply. Call Jennifer at 614-555-4871
I’M JUST AN ORDINARY GUY THAT GIVES AMAZING HANDJOBS
White mug with faded cartoon of Garfield thinking “I hate Mondays.” Slight damage from where it was smashed against the wall during a brutal layoff. Really need the money. Call Angie - 614-555-0584 MATTRESS - $15.00 GUARANTEED PEE-SMELL FREE! MARK - 614-555-3379
WHO NEEDS SOME BANANAS? EVERYONE LOVES THEM SOME BANANAS AND WE SELL THEM SO CHEAP, YOU’D THINK WE STOLE THEM! ORDER YOUR BANANAS FROM WWW.DISCOUNTBANANAS.COM (Shipping and handling is $19.99. Null and void where banana profiting is prohibited.) ***CHECK OUT THESE DEALS ON WICKER!*** BULK WICKER FOR SALE AT 55¢ A POUND! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? WALT’S WICKER WORLD OF WONDER 17 E. FANTA LANE LEWIS CENTER, OHIO DRUGS - HARD AND SOFT THIS IS NOT A POLICE STING OPERATION. MEET STINKY PETE AT THE ALLEY OFF OF HIGH ST. AND CHUM ST. HE’S NOT WEARING A WIRE.
PETS FOR SALE ***IT’S A PUPPY EXTRAVAGANZA!*** She keeps popping out puppies! We’re knee deep in them - LITERALLY! Call 614-555-9101 day or night.
SEMI-USED BEAR COSTUME No explanations to any questions asked. $65.00 - FIRM 614-555-2414
EVIL TOAD THAT TALKS TO ME IN MY DREAMS
IT HAS CAUSED ME A GREAT DEAL OF MENTAL STRESS AND POSSIBLY MURDERED MY FAMILY. HAS ALSO INSPIRED ME TO GREATNESS. LOOKING FOR A GOOD, STABLE HOME. $25.00. AQUARIUM AND TOAD FOOD INCLUDED. CALL WILLEM DAFOE (YES, THAT ONE) 910-555-3289
KITTENS ARE CUTE
Kittens are really cute and I’m sure you’d like to buy one. Too bad I’m selling naked mole rats, the most ugly mammal in the world. Plus they eat poop, or at least these ones do. I bet you’re confused since I payed them to put a photo of a cute kitten above this to get your attention, but I repeat that I’m not selling kittens... Just naked mole rats. Call Matthew at 614-555-RATS
SILVERWARE!
ALL KINDS AND SHAPES. MIX AND MATCH OR SETS. ALWAYS BUYING AND SELLING! WWW.ODDSILVERWAREMANIACS.COM
Sandra Krag
TAXIDERMIED BALD EAGLE YOU WON’T BELIEVE THE TALONS ON THIS BEAUTIFUL SPECIMEN OF DEAD NATURE! $80.00 PART OF RIGHT WING AND BEAK NOT INCLUDED. 614-555-2101
Swanky downtown business in desperate need of experienced IT Professional. Not only do we offer the perk of battling a couple thousand assholes in traffic every morning, we also offer government mandated healthcare! Requirements include: • Must be proficient in Windows 95 • Must be a sullen introvert unable to communicate other than by passive aggressive text messages • Must know how to plug and unplug computers • Must be able to restart any device in case of malfunction • Must be able to handle any other mysterious duties as we aren’t sure really what IT guys do all day Please apply in person only. As we have no IT guy, our e-mail and phones are down. CITI-CYNERGY Broad Street • Downtown Columbus
TOLL BOOTH COLLECTOR
Due to massive layoffs, the state of Ohio now employs a dangerously low level of Toll Booth Collection Professionals. Great starting salary and taxpayer funded benefits. Must be able to stand in one place for 8 hours a day, count to $3.00, and have an MBA in Transportation Fee Acquisitions from an accredited university. Send resumes to: Barbara LeTang 4541 Muddy Creek Road Columbus, OH 44011 ROADKILL REMOVAL AGENT Pays minimum wage but you can do whatever you want with the carcasses. Contact Cecil Brubunker. 6010 Beaton Road, Columbus, OH 614-555-2033 CEMETERY MAINTENANCE MAN Can also be a woman who doesn’t mind being called “man.” No benefits and little pay but we don’t care if you’re high and drunk all day. Plus you may get to see a ghost. Call Diane Baxtertop at 614-555-7715
PREMIUM STICK COLLECTION
Just got married and husband demands I get rid of my extensive collection of sticks. We are currently separated but my therapist insists I make an attempt to divorce myself from my lovely wood friends instead of him. Lovingly selected from hundreds of trees over a twenty year period, my stick collection is currently displayed in 2 of the 3 bedrooms in my house. Other rotating stock is housed in 3 storage units on westside of town. Overall, my collection consists of over 800,000 pieces, many of them rare. Asking $1,250,000 but willing to negotiate. Sale contingent on completion of background check on buyer as well as buyer signing legal documentation they will not re-sell, damage, destroy, or burn stick collection. ***PLEASE NOTE - I WILL NOT BREAK UP MY COLLECTION UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. ONLY INTERESTED IN LUMP SUM SALE. I WILL ONLY SELL TO BUYER I HAVE A SPECIAL “FEELING” ABOUT.***
Million dollar agent
ADULTS OWN LAND!
HELP WANTED
RARE 2007 TWENTY DOLLAR BILL FOR SALE. ASKING $75. CALL TIM F. AT 614-555-6245
BUY REAL ESTATE AND GET SOME RESPECT!
MY COMMISSION IS ONLY 37%!
FOR SALE
LOST & FOUND
WAREHOUSE WORKERS ARE IN DEMAND!
You don’t need to know what’s in the boxes. You just need to get them in the truck on time! We’re looking for a few good employees who are able to keep their mouths shut! ACCEPTABLE CANDIDATES MUST BE: • Legally able to sign a non-disclosure statement • Willing to endure noxious odors and other toxic-like gases • Enjoy being yelled at all damn day with no back sass • Pass a blood born pathogens safety course Send resumes to: P.O. Box 000 Columbus, OH 45032 ***LAWN GUARD*** Strong jawed man needed to keep kids off of my lawn. Elite military experience a must. Responsible to arm self with own rifle. Call Old Man Saul at 724-555-8659
ROUGH LOOKING THUGS WANTED
Criminal minded individuals needed to intimidate little old lady to move out of her tenement building. Must enjoy being extra sadistic. Further work negotiable upon successful completion of job. Contact Wilson Fisk at 724-555-6230
LOST: DVD OF MAD MAX 3: BEYOND THE THUNDERDOME Believed misplaced while stumbling home drunk from wicked adult dodgeball game. You’ll know it’s mine by the 1.75” crack on the upper left side of the back cover. Contact Chad R. immediately if found. 614-555-6673
DO YOU LIKE TRICKING PEOPLE INTO THINKING PRINT ADVERTISING WORKS?
THREATS
THEN BEING AN ADVERTISING SALES REP FOR THE COLUMBUS CLUMP IS RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY!
I SWEAR TO GOD, PHILIP - THE NEXT TIME YOU BREATH YOUR GOD DAMN COFFEE BREATH IN MY FACE AT WORK, I WILL FUCKING HIT YOU WITH MY LEAD PIPE! THAT’S RIGHT - STRAIGHT OUT OF THE GAME “CLUE,” MOTHERFUCKER! GO FUCK YOURSELF, PHILIP! SINCERELY, SEBASTION W.
THERE ARE NO UNQUALIFIED APPLICANTS! SEND RESUMES TO COLUMBUSCLUMP@GMAIL.COM
WE’RE LOOKING FOR A FEW BRAVE MEN
We’re looking for some courageous men willing to put their lives on the line to free this community of the horrors of clogged drains. No prior plumbing experience necessary, just a deep-seated hatred of clogs and their evil ilk. Hazard pay bonus for all new employees. Explosive expertise a plus. Call Big Tee at 614-555-DEATH.
COLUMBUS PLUM SOCIETY
The Columbus Plum Society is a select organization dedicated to the celebration of the most delicious and beauteous of fruits, the humble plum. Founded in 1858 by Herman E. Quadducker, the Columbus Plum Society has been at the forefront of plum advocacy for over 150 years. As this year’s plum harvest approaches, our exclusive club is in need of an experienced ripeness expert able to divine the optimal time for our annual Plum Cotillion. 50K per year, full medical, dental, and eye insurance, paid vacation, as well as all the plums you can eat. Must be able to pass a blind folded test of ripeness abilities. Apply in person this Thursday at the Columbus Plum Society Grand Hall 918 Finicker Ave., Grove City, OH
SERVICES
What can I say? It’s a gift. You won’t forget my touch! Paul “Magic Hands” Wernester 614-555-HANDY ***PONY RIDES*** $25.00 AN HOUR. $20.00 EXTRA TO BRUSH MY MANE AND FEED ME A CARROT. CALL DERRICK PONY 724-555-6377 WHERE WE’RE GOING, WE DON’T NEED ANY “SAFE-WORDS” Deviant perverts willing to push the boundaries of conventional sex are required for one of a kind orgasmic experience. Must supply own leather and nipple clamps. Contact Marissa the Strap-On Goddess at 724-555-3124 BLOW JOBS - Free or for donations. Karl - 614-555-0055
I CAN BE WHATEVER YOU NEED, HONEY ALL WOMAN ABOVE THE WAIST. BELOW IS A DIFFERENT STORY. CALL THERESA/TED AT 614-555-9999
EVERYTHING IS BETTER WITH A TAIL!
FURRY FREAK ORGY EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT. BRING YOUR OWN COSTUME OR FIRST TIMERS CAN FEEL FREE TO WEAR THE COMMUNITY ANTHROPOMORPHIC FOX SUIT. DROP BY 2634 N. COBBLER AVENUE, GERMAN VILLAGE. THE PASSWORD IS “RAW-HUMP.”
TOTALLY NATURAL!
GOOSE PATROL
Fuck those asshole geese. I’ve got dogs willing to kill on command. Fully Insured and a D- BBB rating. Call Donald Sprinkly at 724-555-5010
DO YOU LIKE A CLEAN, CLOSE SHAVE?
I love going to people’s houses and shaving them. Discounts available for the extra hairy. Call Indigo Smathers at 614-555-2996
EXPERT IN BIRD LAW
Not a lawyer per say but I’ve watched a lot of episodes of Law and Order. Willing to take on any bird related court matters, large or small. Charlie Kelly, Philadelphia, PA
HOUSE PAINTING
Unemployable art school graduates need to pay off student loans/eat food other than peanut butter and jelly. Guaranteed to use minimum creativity. Our souls are dead. We just need money. Please, no hurtful critiques. CCAD RESIDENTIAL PAINTING 25 W. Grant Avenue, Columbus, OH
COLUMBUS’S BEST ALL AMISH STRIP CLUB! See these maidens expose their milky ankle flesh and risk being shunned from their communities! No nudity is permitted but if you’re lucky, they may lift their skirt to just above their knees! 543 Weasel Hollow Rd., Hilliard, OH (no phone number)
There’s Nothing More Sensual Than the Feeling of Grass On Your Privates
1-900-GRASS FETISH
TRUE LIFE COMIC
12
“ I CAN FINALLY LAUGH AGAIN! ” Living the life of a shirtless loser can really get me down sometimes. Those pesky “No Shirt, No Shoes” policies most businesses have had pretty much destroyed my social life. Sure, a couple places confused my chest hair for a tank-top, but it wasn’t long until they got wise. Then I found SATISFIED SHIRTLESS DUDE
MULLET TURTLE COMICS!
These great zines really tickled my funny bone! Why go out and interact with people when I can stay in my shanty and laugh all night long by myself?
NOBODY CAN EAT 50 EGGS #10
Nobody Can Eat 50 Eggs #10 is simply crazy awesome. Or at least I think so. Featuring Horrible, Horrible Pet Products, Counterfeit Leaf Collection Books, When Ice Cream Ruled the World, and more!
HOW TO BEFRIEND A RACCOON Feeling lost? Confused? Depressed? Has the grueling pace of the modern world killed your tender dreams and sapped your will to live? There is an answer, but it isn’t to take the hand of Jesus. It’s to take the hand of a raccoon. This concise volume will walk you through the greatest adventure of your life: befriending a wild, ravenous raccoon. So slap down your money and let the pain... er, friendship BEGIN!
FACTS ABOUT THE WEATHER AND WHY MY WHORE WIFE LEFT ME There’s an unspoken trust when a young student opens one of their textbooks. It’s taken for granted that they won’t read anything inappropriate. That’s not what happened in the case of the fateful textbook Science for You and Me, however. Not only did it make an untold number of kids ask their parents embarrassing questions like “What does whore mean?” but also possibly traumatize them for life. Find out the whole story in this darkly humorous zine!
VULGAR & TASTELESS LORD OF THE RINGS PARODIES J.R.R. Tolkien’s crew of wizards and hobbits gets a reinterpretation he may not appreciate. But hey, it’s still better than any of the Peter Jackson movies! Find out the real scoop on what was going on in the Lord of the Rings in this hilarious parody filled with comics, articles, and other MAD magazine inspired bits such as Smaug’s Obituary, Aragorn’s Bang Map, The Search for Gandalf’s Love-Child, and more! Recommended for immature adults only!
Check out these sweet books and more at
mulletturtle.storenvy.com
The 2016 Ohio State Football Schedule PLAN YOUR BINGE DRINKING ACCORDINGLY! SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3*
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22
VERSUS THE CUPCAKE TEAM STUPID ENOUGH TO PLAY THEIR SEASON OPENER AGAINST THE BEST DAMN FOOTBALL TEAM EVER ASSEMBLED.
VERSUS A BUNCH OF IDIOTS WHO THINK JOE PATERNO IS COOL.
VERSUS A SCHOOL SO SMALL, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THEY EVEN HAD A FOOTBALL TEAM.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29* VERSUS SOME DUDES WHO MAY WIN AT LIFE BUT WILL ALWAYS STINK AT FOOTBALL.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 5*
VERSUS A BUNCH OF ASS CLOWNS EVEN LUKE FICKELL COULD BEAT.
VERSUS A TEAM THAT WILL LOSE SO BADLY, IT WILL INSPIRE YOU TO BURN YOUR NEIGHBOR’S COUCH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12
BYE WEEK – YOU’RE FORCED TO AWKWARDLY INTERACT WITH YOUR FRIENDS FOR NO REASON THIS SATURDAY.
VERSUS THE OPPONENT WHO HAS A MASCOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND THINKS IS “REALLY CUTE.”
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1*
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19
VERSUS SOME JABRONIS THAT CALL THEMSELVES THE SCARLET KNIGHTS. WHERE DO THEY GET OFF? SCARLET IS OUR COLOR, DAMN IT!
VERSUS THOSE MORON SPARTANS WHO CHOKED HORRIBLY IN THE PLAYOFF SEMIFINALS LAST YEAR. HA! HA! LOSERS!
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 8*
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26*
VERSUS THE HOOSIERS, WHO SUCK, SO YOU END UP SPENDING MOST OF YOUR SUNDAY TRYING TO WASH OFF THE SHARPIE PENIS YOUR FRATERNITY BROTHERS DREW ON YOUR FOREHEAD WHILE YOU WERE PASSED OUT DRUNK.
VERSUS THE MOST DESPICABLE HUMAN BEINGS EVER. THEY MUST BE SCORNED WITH THE SEETHING HATRED OF A THOUSAND SUNS. YOU DISGUST ME, JIM HARBAUGH!
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 3 BIG 10 CHAMPIONSHIP
VERSUS THE BADGERS WHO WILL GET CRUSHED SO BADLY, YOU WILL NEED TO BADGER YOUR PROFESSORS FOR EXTENSIONS ON ALL OF YOUR MID-TERMS BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO HUNGOVER TO STUDY. *Denotes a home game.
DOES IT EVEN MATTER WHO WE PLAY? NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP HERE WE COME! EVERYONE GETS LAID!
JANUARY 9, 2017 - NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP VERSUS WHICHEVER SEC TEAM URBAN MEYER DECIDES TO MAKE HIS BITCH.
CLIP AND SAVE SO YOU’LL BE ABLE TO TELL PEOPLE WHY YOU’RE SO WASTED!
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10*