Clump 4 by Columbus Clump

THE UNDERGROUND NEWSPAPER FOR ABOVE GROUND WEIRDOS!

IMMATURE

CONTENT INSIDE!

RECOMMENDED FOR ADULTS ONLY

READ THE COMIC THAT WILL MAKE YOU ANGRILY SHAKE YOUR FIST AT A THE NEXT DIRTY SQUIRREL YOU SEE!

SQUIRRELS ARE THE WORST!

PLUS WE REVIEW OVEN MITTS!

I HATE SQUIRRELS A MESSAGE FROM STEVE STEINER, CROTCHETY PUBLISHER

My wife and I bought a house recently and the neighborhood we’re in is just lousy with squirrel vermin. They’re everywhere and operate with complete impunity. You’d think with all the stray cats wandering the streets, they’d prove their worth and cut down the squirrel population for me. No - those pricks meow loudly at my door wanting expensive store bought catfood! The first squirrel I chased at my new home was pretty shocked I came after it. It was so unused to this aggression I could have easily whacked it with a broom handle if I had one. Now the little fucker sits in my tree and chirps squirrel swear words at me. My wife will not let me poison or trap them. She tells me that we’re just living in the “squirrels’ world.” Let them pay the fucking mortgage then! I’m still badgering her into giving me permission to have a trained bobcat or eagle that will stalk and kill them for me. I even promised her that I would eat the deceased squirrels so that it’s not just a 100% hate killing. It’d be more like a 75% hate killing. You can read more of my polarizing views on squirrels in the comic located in the center spread.

“Everyone knows books are delicious. Their mouth watering pages make me drool in anticipation. Those annoying hardcovers are a drag, though. They’re too tough to crack with my puny teeth! That’s why I love The Clump and all of the publications from Mullet Turtle Comics! They have all of the wood pulp nutrients my body craves with none of the crappy hardcover!”

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The Clump #4 is © 2017 by Steve Steiner. It is published and distributed by shadow elements of the CIA in conjunction with the NSA in an effort to profile and monitor those they find “undesirable.” Each issue contains 7 tiny microchips that record your every vocal utterance and transmits them to a sprawling underground computer network for cataloging. Report to your handler immediately if you notice any misspellings contained within this publication. They are an illusion and a product of failures in your covert mind control conditioning. All content contained within this publication is for humor purposes only. Nothing is real or meant to be taken seriously. MADE IN COLUMBUS, OHIO Stop failing at social

QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, AND SPAM CAN BE DIRECTED TO COLUMBUSCLUMP@GMAIL.COM

media! Stalk Mullet Turtle Comics here!

COMICS YOU MAY NOT HATE

ATTEMPT AT HUMOR

DISCONTINUED

LEGO SETS No one would deny that Legos are some of the hottest products in the toy aisle these days, but that hasn’t always been the case. These are some of their biggest misfires on their long trip to the top.

SERIAL KILLER’S LAIR PLAYSET

Have you ever felt the excruciating pain of stepping on a Lego brick? The only thing that hurts more is stepping on a Lego brick molded to have tiny plastic meat cleavers in it. One poor barefooted dad was mangled so badly that his pinky toe had to be amputated!

The stunning cinema masterpiece that has wowed critics and captivated audiences has now been nominated for all the awards.

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PEOPLE’S CHOICE

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Infinity Stars! The best movie ever! - Siskel & Ebert

TRAPPED IN A WELL RESCUE ADVENTURE Unlike other Lego sets in which one is expected to build a structure, the Well Rescue set came pre-built. The object was to tear it apart brick by brick in order to “rescue” the Lego person trapped within. Just like a real well rescue, the process turned out to be incredibly long and tedious. Most lost interest before even beginning, leaving their Lego person to suffer in suffocating silence.

(back from the dead)

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BIODEGRADABLE LEGOS

When they were first unveiled, Biodegradable Legos were a national sensation. Consumers praised the new eco-friendly product made of corn starch and recycled newspaper. None of them apparently read the warning not to get them wet, though. One wayward splash and the new Legos disintegrated into a disgusting, oozing sludge.

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For the outrageously low price of $279.95, you not only got a fanged serpent pet, but also all the Legos necessary to build it a fun little home. While this may have sounded like a great and profitable idea to the bean counters at Lego corporate headquarters, most people with common sense could figure out the potentially dangerous possibilities. Now those bean counters are collecting unemployment checks and Lego is still dealing with the hundreds of lawsuits their shitty idea incurred.

QUICK HITS

COLUMBUS, OHIO – Tensions are high in Columbus as preparations for the arrival of the Bird Pope go into full gear. Annabelle Grismar, an outside military contractor hired as a consultant by the city, is in charge of the Pope’s security. “To all those who are contemplating an assassination attempt on the Bird Pope, save yourself the trouble. It’s not happening on my watch. It’s not happening in Columbus,” Ms. Grismar posted on Facebook “There are so many snipers in position to take out possible threats, we ran out of rooftops to put them on.” During his reign, the Bird Pope has had over eighty attempts made on his life. Most are attributed to acolytes of his nefarious half-brother, Bishop Gunthar, who covets the pontiff’s prestige for his own. The Bird Pope will perform his worship service at the Schottenstooge Center behind bulletproof glass. Over 500,000 people are expected to flood into Columbus to receive the chirps of salvation from the feathered Prophet of Hope. In addition to the Tithing of the Worms, there will be a Hymn of Praise by the Holy Tabernacle Choir of Sparrows. Everyone is invited to stay after the event for the ceremonial Crapping on the Freshly Waxed and Detailed Chevy Silverado. THE UNITED NATIONS – It’s official – January will now be referred to as Jam-uary. Fironus Bushman, chairman of the United Nations Committee on Months and Days made the announcement earlier today of the group’s momentous decision. “After much debate, we have decided that there needed to be a change. The tired, out-dated term January needed to be spiced up for the modern era. Beginning in 2018, the first month of every year will be referred to as Jam-uary.” The name change does not come without controversy. Not only do economic pundits predict it will cost the calendar industry billions, but there have also been rumors of Bushman’s shady dealings with the International Jam Union. For those who don’t know, the IJU is an organization who’s stated goal is to spread the influence of jellies and jams throughout the world. REBARVILLE, OKLAHOMA – A judge has ruled that Leonard Ollon, 57, was completely within his rights to demolish his hometown and will not serve any jail time. You may recall that Ollon won the Mega Millions lottery jackpot nine years ago. He immediately used his new found wealth to buy the rebar smelting plant, the main employer in Rebarville. With no jobs, people left the town in droves. Ollon took advantage by buying their properties on the cheap and subsequently bulldozing them. He repeated this practice parcel by parcel until he was the sole occupant of a town that once had thousands of residents. When asked why he did it, Leonard simply muttered “Because they were all dicks.” DETROIT, MICHIGAN – A weary and exhausted expedition of researchers were welcomed back to civilization after spending several weeks in Detroit. The mission of the government funded team was to assess if there was any hope of reestablishing relations with the once thriving metropolis. Their findings proved to be rather grim. “Over half the city has been overrun by

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packs of wild dogs,” said Dr. Henrietta Quayle, the expedition’s leader. “The canines have elected a leader and are preparing to conquer the remainder of the city.” LAS VEGAS, NEVADA – Luck ‘O the Irish Casino has declared it will immediately begin testing all of their guests to see if they have mind powers. The gaming industry has long grumbled over the millions of dollars they lose from those with telekinetic and telepathic abilities. They claim that these people use their extraordinary super powers to alter their chances of winning big money. “It’s a necessary precaution,” Dianne Ming, Luck ‘O the Irish Casino’s Director of Security, said. “I’ve seen all the X-Men movies and it’s obvious mutants could be gambling among us.” WASHINGTON D.C. – The NSA has announced it will launch a new website dedicated to all of the nude photos it has culled while conducting unrestricted collection of our e-mails. “We’ve got so many dick pics, crotch shots, and naked selfies that we felt it was time to share them with the public,” NSA Webmaster William Stainless wrote in his press release. “We have no oversight, so we pretty much do whatever the fuck we want.” MORDOR, MIDDLE-EARTH – It’s that time of the year again. Hordes of orcs are celebrating spring break by invading the beaches of sunny Mordor. It’s not all drunken fun, wet t-shirt contests, blood guzzling, and unprotected sex for the beastly partiers. Mungus the Breath Stealer, chief thrall to the great legions of Sauron, warns everyone to make safety a priority this holiday. “The great dread lord Sauron urges you all to be careful. Wait at least thirty minutes before swimming after eating and always apply ample sunscreen. Skin cancer is nothing to fool with.” Orc Spring Break will last all week. Thousands are expected to die during the course of the festivities, a 30% drop-off from last year’s figures.

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MORE COMICS YOU MAY NOT HATE

A DREAM COMIC - DEAL WITH IT

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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST CAN’T DRAW FOR SHIT

CHEAP CREEK, UTAH – A police sketch artist in a small Utah town has recently come under fire for his inability to draw. Officer Barry Walldorf of the Cheap Creek Police Department has been on the force for over eight years and according to those in the community, he is just terrible at his job. “He couldn’t draw a straight line with a ruler!” Cheap Creek resident Mary Sue Archpit said. “A guy flashed me in a parking lot last year and Barry was just useless. I described the pervert to him for over three hours. I told him what his face looked like, the trench coat he had on, and even his naked penis. And after three hours do you know what he had drawn? A gosh darn stick figure, that’s what! I ended up having my six year old draw a picture of the guy, penis and all, and it was way more accurate!” Another irate Cheap Creek taxpayer, Christopher Mudge, has also publicly complained about Walldorf’s inferior work. Oh, this modern rat race... So much traffic... So much traffic...

“Some hoodlum robbed my store and that jerk Walldorf was supposed to sketch him up. He asked me question after question. ‘What shape is his nose? How far apart are his eyes?’ Stuff like that,” Mudge explained. “At the end of our session all he had drawn was a stupid stick figure! It looked African-American too! What kind of racist bullshit is that?” Walldorf’s boss, Captain Rosaline Schill, defended her subordinate. “People may not know this, but there’s a lot more to Barry’s job than just drawing. There’s a surprising amount of paperwork involved and he is excellent at filling it out in a timely manner.” Officer Walldorf has been placed on indefinite administrative leave while the Cheap Creek Police Department conducts a GoFundMe campaign to raise money for art lessons. Despite his suspension, Walldorf was allowed to keep his badge and gun. It is recommended that you use caution when interacting with him.

A rare killer whale swimming in the northern Pacific Ocean is gaining a cult following for the unusual black and white markings on its snout. Those online first got a glimpse of the elusive beast from cell phone footage taken by fishermen on a Russian trawler. Since then, it has gained notoriety for having a similar appearance to the face paint worn by the Detroit rap group The Insane Clown Posse. Fans of ICP have taken to calling the aquatic mammal the “Juggalo Whale,” and have flocked to the Alaskan shoreline in hopes of seeing it for themselves. “I pawned my grandpa’s coin collection for this, yo!” shouted Matthew, an unemployed cargo shorts wearing ICP devotee. He lifted up his shirt to reveal a large tattoo of the whale on his ample gut. “Whoop! Whoop!” The rest of his group echo “Whoop! Whoop!” back to him in unison. Matthew and his brethren have been camping on the pier of Mooseknuckle, Alaska for three weeks now. Local residents are getting fed up with their presence and the call for armed violence against the unwanted squatters is gaining traction. “These weirdos have got to go home!” Mooseknuckle mayor Gloria Pinsup decried at an emergency town hall meeting. “Their empty Faygo cans are piling up everywhere and their stench is attracting grizzly bears! We’ve tried donating deodorant to these unhygienic man-boys, but they refuse to use it!” The clacking of shotguns throughout the audience could be heard as a form of applause. While the residents of Mooseknuckle are trying their best to cope with the situation, if something isn’t done soon, Matthew and his cohorts will find themselves in some shallow unmarked graves. Elsewhere another controversy rages around the Juggalo Whale. Marine biologists are split as to whether is it simply a regular killer whale genetically cursed to look like a freakish clown or if it is the first discovery of a previously unknown subspecies of whale. Dr. Trent Fact makes the case for the later. “Whales live in an extremely complex society that we are just beginning to make sense of,” says the waifish man. “It’s quite possible the Juggalo Whale is the end result of thousands of years of his misfit ancestors being shunned. They interbreed with each other and, well, this irregular outcome is what you get.” Matthew agrees with Dr. Fact’s assessment. “This whale is just like us! Other whales just don’t get him, you know. He’s just out there doing his own thing out in the ocean, living his life, scoring weed wherever he can. I can relate to that, yo. I bet his father hates him just like mine does.”

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WHY I HATE SQUIRRELS

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

UGH - WHAT AM I THINKING?

WE REVIEW

OVEN MITTS

The humble oven mitt is often overlooked when talking about essential items in the kitchen. Yet without the vital hand protection it provides, we would be helpless in the face of scalding casserole dishes. Countless meals would be tainted with burnt and peeling skin!

That’s why we here at The Clump have decided to cut through the bullshit propaganda spewed by the oven mitt industry. It’s time consumers are provided with the vital information they need to make an informed decision when purchasing a new oven mitt. We broke down three of the best selling oven mitts on the market today and graded them in five different categories: Heat Protection, Comfort, Durability, Style/Look, and Affordability. Scores in those categories were then calculated in a top secret algorithm which provided an overall final grade.

GOEDE OVENWANT X-12 Ever since the end of World War II, the Dutch have been global leaders in oven mitt innovation. Dutch oven mitts have become synonymous with quality and superior craftsmanship. Why it’s said that even Winston Churchill himself would use nothing but Dutch oven mitts. Recent years haven’t been kind to the Dutch, however, as symbolized in the Goede Ovenwant X-12. The most noticeable flaw in their newest oven mitt design are the constrained proportions. It seems they have skimped on fabric in an effort to cut costs and the consumers pay the price. In addition to being cramped, the checkered print is tired and outdated. If Dutch oven mitts are ever to regain their former glory, they must stop living in the past and go back to the drawing board. For now, take my advice and pass on this inferior retread.

HEAT PROTECTION COMFORT DURABILITY STYLE/LOOK AFFORDABILITY OVERALL GRADE

SIGH...

KLUGMAN SERIES XVI “NIGHT VIPER”

THE GRAB-CHAMPION 4000

Every oven mitt enthusiast knows that Jim Klugman is a legend. Not only is he responsible for producing some of the finest oven mitts of our time, but he’s also the man that single-handedly ran the PotHolder Mafia out of Kansas City and ushered in an oven mitt renaissance in America. After taking a ten year hiatus from designing oven mitts following the tragic death of his daughter, Klugman is back and better than ever with the “Night Viper.” While not as handsome as Klugman’s previous success, “Dreaming in Berlin,” the “Night Viper” combines a simple, timeless design with above-average durability. This is a not miss for any fan of oven mitts and hopefully a sign the master is back!

Perhaps the worst oven mitt to hit the market in the past decade, the Grab-Champion 4000 is a class action lawsuit waiting to happen. The Amazon listing for this product is overflowing with hateful comments complaining of the shoddy protection it provides. A fellow with the username of GARLIC//LICKER1996 summed it up best: “Received 3rd degree burns while taking my hot pocket out of the oven. This oven mitt suckz dick.” With such strong feedback, I felt the need to test the Grab-Champion for myself. After using it to pull a piping hot pan of lasagna out of the oven, I too received severe burns. The only saving grace of the Grab-Champion is the elegant pattern by renowned fashion designer Lloyd Neophyte. Sadly, the gorgeous fabric is wasted of this dumpster fire of an oven mitt.

HEAT PROTECTION

COMFORT

DURABILITY

STYLE/LOOK

AFFORDABILITY

OVERALL GRADE

B+

F-

A TALE FROM A WEST SIDE WALMART

MADE UP MOVIE REVIEWS

DID YOU KNOW THAT OXYGEN IS THE CHIEF CAUSE OF RUST? CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT IT DOES TO YOUR LUNGS?

INTRODUCING CO 2 STICKS A COUPLE PUFFS ON THESE THINGS A DAY WILL KNOCK THE LUNG RUST RIGHT OFF!

NIXIE: HITLER’S CAT

Is it just me or has Pixar really run out of ideas? First we have to all pretend that lame Inside Out movie was good and now this? Ugh! Anyway, let me knock this review out as quickly as I can. Nixie (voiced by Emma Stone) is a cunning house cat that wants nothing more than to sit at Adolf Hitler’s right hand and cat-mmand the Third Reich. She ruthlessly claws her way to the top, leaving a string of rival Nazi pets dead in her wake. The disembowelment of Buttons, Eva Braun’s hamster, is particularly brutal. Even Hitler himself gets into the cross-hairs of this fascist cat. She ultimately assassinates him with an explosive device

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R • 144 min

Most critics scoffed when it was announced that Woody Allen had secured the much sought after rights to reboot the classic Charles Bronson anti-hero franchise Death Wish. I can firmly say that after seeing this movie, the critics should all be eating crow right now. Allen writes, directs, and stars in this multi-layered tour de force film that, like his other recent work, is sure to be nominated for multiple awards even though no one will see it. Staying true to the source material, Allen plays Paul Kersey, a mild mannered family man and architect living in Manhattan. When a psychotic serial killer nicknamed Dr. Roadkill brutally slaughters his wife and daughter (portrayed by Diane Keaton and Emma Watson), Kersey thinks the legal system will provide the justice he desires. Dr. Roadkill (masterfully played by Alan Alda) gets out of the charges on a bullshit technicality, however, forcing Kersey to take the law into his own hands. What follows is an intense game of cat and mouse as Kersey and Roadkill face off in the gritty urban jungle of Brooklyn. Full of wry one-liners about the Jewish condition and scored with a soundtrack of ragtime music from the 1930s, this thriller can’t get much better.

MY BOSS IS A VAMPIRE

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cleverly hidden in a ball of yarn after he doesn’t take her advice during the Battle of the Bulge. With the Allies encircling Berlin, Nixie boards a U-boat bound for Argentina, ready to use her new found power to rebuild her war machine. While this animated film features the voice talents of Kevin Hart, Jennifer Aniston, Kevin James, Adam Sandler, Nicole Kidman, Sean Connery, and Tom Hanks as Hitler, it’s pretty crappy. Yuck!

PG-13 • 96 min

Ashton Kutcher makes his triumphant return to film in this uproarious date flick. Dooby Hitchens (Kutcher) is a pot smoking business student who thinks his cannabis cupcakes are going to make him a millionaire. His life takes a little detour, though, when the dean’s pot-bellied pig eats his stash and goes bananas through campus. Expelled from school and with no other options, Hitchens is forced to take a menial energy drink sales representative job. There, he meets beautiful office manager Tabitha, played by Mindy Kaling. As the two bond over a joint in the supply closet and swap oral sex stories, they fall deeply in love. There’s just one giant catch - SHE’S THE BOSS’S DAUGHTER! Oh, there’s another catch. The boss of the company is a nosferatu! Kevin Spacey plays the overbearing, rodent eating, and often times hilariously cruel foil to Kutcher’s lovestruck hero. Can Dooby impress his vampiric boss to get the big promotion and the girl? Or will he turn state witness and testify that Mr. Nosferatu’s energy drink is really made of rat blood spiked with methamphetamines? It’s worth the price of admission to find out. The production company that made this movie totally paid me to write that last line.

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Great house for sale by very motivated seller. Well - technically it’s more of a shed than an actual house, though it does have indoor plumbing. Well - not really indoor plumbing, but there’s a truck stop equipped with showers a 5 minute walk away. Truckers are friendly people. Well - not that friendly. They’re the reason I have to move. Call Jerry Muggle at 740-555-1555

We don’t water our venom down like our cut rate competitors. All kinds and potency available! • Snake • Spider • Sea Urchin • Even Gila Monster! Go to www.venomdiscounters.com Special pricing for orders over 50 liters!

FLAMETHROWER FOR SALE Who wouldn’t want a less than mint condition flamethrower capable of spewing blazing death from yards away? Good for getting rid of pesky hornet nests or no good kids who come onto your lawn. No one will ever call you names again. FEEL THE POWER TO BURN ALL THOSE WHO OPPOSE YOU! Call Maggie at 614-555-8834 GOOD QUALITY MANNEQUIN PARTS Many arms and legs to choose from! www.mannequinparts4sale.com

BALD EAGLES HEADS!

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EXPANSIVE VIEWS!

Enjoy an expansive view of the back of a strip mall shopping complex from the comfort of your private deck. You may even be able to make friends with the employees when they come back for a smoke break! Asking $224,990. Call Sandra Krag of Krag Realty

The law firm of Simon, Simon, and Grack have filed a class action lawsuit on behalf of all applicants to NASA who were denied entry due to excessive weight on the grounds that everyone is weightless in the vacuum of space. Contact Simon, Simon, and Grack today at 1-800-SPACE-FATTY to get on our list.

Soar the skies in style in your very own Germanmade airship! It’s one of the safest ways to travel ever invented by man! Comes equipped with ground crew and captain! Avoid the traffic on your way to work, earn extra money by filming sporting events, or just impress a special lady in your life! Asking $305,990 + annual salary for the crew. Call Ferdinand Von Wincsh at (844) 555-6757

LOOKING TO BUY

Wear one over your own regular non-eagle head to assert your awesomeness. All the celebrities are doing it! Kanye, George Clooney, those Kardashians, and everyone on the Disney Channel wear EAGLE HEADS! BUY TODAY! BUY! BUY! BUY! WWW.EAGLEHEADSYOUWEAR.COM

PAYING TOP DOLLAR FOR NUDE PHOTOS OF YOUR MOTHER. MUST BE ABLE TO PROVIDE DOCUMENTATION TO PROVE THEY ARE INDEED OF YOUR MOTHER. I’VE BEEN FOOLED BEFORE. SEND SUBMISSIONS TO NUDEMOTHERPHOTOS919@AOL.COM

LAMP THAT LOOKS VAGUELY LIKE A VAGINA Imported straight from Italy. Expert craftsmanship. Excellent lighting fixture for the lonely... Asking $12.00. (740) 555-6700

PHOTOS ARE FOR PERSONAL USE ONLY. THEY WILL NOT BE RESOLD ON THE CHINESE MILF BLACKMARKET.

LOOKING FOR A GOOD HOME FOR TWO ROBUST COCKROACHES

Due to my wife expecting a baby this spring, she’s making me give up my beloved cockroaches. They like to hide under the refrigerator and scuttle on linoleum floors in the dark. $60 for the pair. I will not break them up as they are lovers, so don’t even ask. Sale contingent on a clean background check. Call Freddy Salamander at 740-555-8933

STUFFED CROCODILE TOY Smells of vomit no matter how many times you launder it. $5.50 - FIRM (614) 555-2999

CHANGE YOUR IDENTITY IN A HEARTBEAT WITH A WIG! FOOL A LOVED ONE YOU OWE MONEY TO INTO THINKING YOU’RE SOMEBODY ELSE! TRICK THE COPS! START YOUR LIFE OVER! DISAPPEAR INTO ANOTHER COUNTRY! GUARANTEED 100% SATISFACTION! OUR WIGS ARE MADE WITH 15% REAL ASIAN HAIR! COLORS ARE LIMITED. WWW.THIRD-WORLD-WIG-COMPANY.COM

WE’RE LOOKING FOR A MOTIVATED AND RUTHLESS DOOR-TO-DOOR COSMETICS SALES REPRESENTATIVE. ENJOY FLEXIBLE HOURS, COMMISSION BASED PAY, AND FREE SAMPLES OF LIPSTICK ALL WHILE DRIVING BY YOURSELF IN YOUR 50 MILE SALES TERRITORY. INTERESTED APPLICANTS CAN SEND THEIR HEADSHOT TO: KATHY.JJ@COSMETICSONTHEROAD.COM

CORRUPT POLITICIAN

Our shadowy organization is looking for an ambitious man or woman willing to sacrifice their morals in exchange for power. We have a proven track record of taking otherwise reasonable people and turning them into ruthless demagogues via the use of sex, money, and Twitter followers. Interested parties can meet us at our open house under the 4th Street Bridge at midnight this Friday night to undergo a proving test (Hint: It involves setting a homeless person on fire). Those unworthy of our attention will be tossed back into the sea of sheep you call neighbors and friends. Those that succeed will inherit the Earth. MANCHURIAN CANDIDATES AND MK ULTRA VICTIMS WELCOME! LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO SEND ME E-MAIL I don’t get a lot of e-mail and it might be nice to feel needed by someone. Send resumes and references to Harold Philips at lonelyguyforever9909@aol.com. All applicants must have a valid e-mail account.

THREATS I KNOW WHAT SICK SHIT YOU’RE INTO ON THE DARK WEB, DEBBIE. STOP IT OR I’M GOING TO THE COPS WITH YOUR BROWSER HISTORY. SHUT UP BARRY, YOU BALD FUCK! NOBODY LIKES YOU AND YOU’RE GROSS! YOUR HEAD LOOKS LIKE A THUMB AND YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR DISGUSTING BODY ODOR! - EVERYONE AT THE OFFICE PS - WE’RE ALL SORRY TO HEAR YOUR DAUGHTER HAS CANCER. WE’LL KEEP HER IN OUR PRAYERS. GOD BLESS.

PUBLIC NOTICE HAVE YOU OR ANY OF YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS EVER WANTED TO BE AN ASTRONAUT BUT WERE DEEMED OBESE BY ANY FEDERALLY FUNDED SPACE PROGRAM?

OWN A BLIMP!

Me - That’s for sure! Through a series of horrendous accidents that have cost me several toes, I have painfully found out I am not cut out for boating. Asking whatever you’ll offer for a speed boat in relatively good condition. Call Brad at 614-555-7688 I will cut you a deal if you promise to keep looking for my severed toes.

After decades of dormancy, a partially functional (and 75% flooded) salt mine in Southern Ohio now up for sale! Enjoy the prosperous salt life! Sell your mined salt to local grocery stores, over the internet, or just give it away to your grateful friends. Call Phyllis Facetone at 614-555-2011 to schedule a viewing today!

HELP WANTED ARE YOU GOOD AT CONVINCING PEOPLE THEY ARE UGLY?

WHO DOESN’T WANT A BOAT?

LIVE THE SALT LIFE!

OWN A PIECE OF REALITY TELEVISION HISTORY!

VEHICLES FOR SALE

YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SEX ROBOTS SO STOP BEING SO JUDGMENTAL, ROBERT! XB-17, OR JULIA AS I CALL HER, IS A SENSUAL BEING MADE OF SPACE-AGE POLYMERS AND STAINRESISTANT FIBERGLASS. SHE COST ME A PRETTY PENNY TOO - SOMETHING I’M SURE YOU’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO AFFORD ON YOUR SHITTY SALARY! SO STOP FUCKING TEASING ME OR I’LL SEND JULIA OVER TO GIVE YOU A HANDJOB ON THE MAXIMUM SETTING! SHE WILL TOTALLY MANGLE YOUR JUNK AT THAT SPEED AND FORCE! I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT THAT GNARLY HAM, PHYLLIS! NOW YOU’RE RIDDLED WITH PARASITES, YOU DUMBSHIT! MAYBE NOW YOU’LL TAKE ME SERIOUSLY THE NEXT TIME I POLITELY ASK YOU TO NOT EAT MY LUNCH. YOUR MOVE, BOZO! - MARK

On sale daily in the parking lot of North Market from 7:30am - 11:30am

BRING THIS AD IN FOR 15% OFF SENIOR PHOTOS!

WHY BOTHER PUTTING YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY AT RISK IN ONE OF THOSE OTHER BANKS? At Croc Savings & Loan, you can count on your money being safe and secure. The moment you open an account with us, we assign you your own professional crocodile who guards your cash in its mouth night and day.

Croc Savings & Loan

The one bank you can count on to not be a CROC of hooey!

FREE WANDS

We don’t use any dragon heartstrings, phoenix feathers, or unicorn hair.

GREAT EXPOSURE FOR AN AWESOME ARTIST

I urgently require the skills of a highly talented and motivated artist who is capable/willing to illustrate over 40 pictures (preferably in the style of Naruto, Fullmetal Alchemist, or similar anime) for a TOP SECRET PROJECT. Only the applicant I deem worthy enough will become privy to the details of my epic, mind-blowing children’s book that will undoubtedly redefine the genre forever. Though I am unable to pay in money right now, I am willing to give up half of my manic depression pills as a deposit. I’m sure once this project is complete, a publisher will literally throw money dollars at us. Money! Money! Money! That’s a lot of this: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$! E-mail Betsy Boothe at super-million-dollar-idea-2017@yahoo.com WE NEED A SEMI-DECENT BASS GUITARIST We are looking for a burgeoning rockstar to join our band! We’re still deciding between two name choices for our group. We’ve narrowed it down to either The Night Frackers or Overdrive Pickle Feast. Our sound is most aptly described as if mid-1980s Metallica makes sweet love to 1990s Jewel… AND SHE LIKES IT! Contact Vanessa “Screaming Mongoose” Wilkens at 989-555-0078. Qualified applicant must have a couch I can crash on. Check out our soon-to-be hit song “Tea Time Hypno Hijinks” on our YouTube channel.

FUN NAZI NEEDED

Sadistic, bile-filled person who opposes all fun and merriment needed to ruin my daughter’s birthday party. She’s turning six years old and it’s high time she learns that life is a depressing pile of shit. Interested parties are invited to call Bernice Stanhope-Grice at (342) 555-1201. Successful candidate must be able to wow me with despair in less than one minute.

SHARK ROAD TRUCKERS

WWW.CRUELTYFREEWANDS.COM

WORMWOOD, NIBIRU, PLANET X... THE AGENT OF OUR FRAGILE PLANET’S DESTRUCTION IS CALLED MANY THINGS AND IT WILL BE HERE SOON. JOIN ME IN MY DOOMSDAY BUNKER APRIL 5TH, 2017 FOR ONE FINAL SEND OFF OF PLANET EARTH.

*** DOOR PRIZES *** 50/50 RAFFLE *** *** ALL THE CANNED FOOD YOU CAN EAT *** *** URINE PURIFICATION WORKSHOP *** AT MIDNIGHT, WE WILL ALL COMMIT SUICIDE TOGETHER SO WE CAN ESCAPE THE HORRORS THAT SOON AWAIT ALL OF HUMANITY!

LOST & FOUND FOUND - A NON-FUNCTIONING RIDING LAWNMOWER APPEARED IN MY GARAGE WHILE I WAS ON VACATION. IF YOU ARE MISSING A NON-FUNCTIONING RIDING LAWNMOWER, PLEASE CALL DICK MANGOLD AT (614) 555-6548 IMMEDIATELY.

SERVICES SLOW CLAP STARTER

Punctuate your dramatic and inspiring speech with the sweeping power of a slow clap! A steady slow clap is the perfect accent for your corporate gathering, high stakes sporting event, or heartfelt moment. Call for our affordable pricing list today!

QUALIFIED APPLICANTS MUST:

1-800-555-CLAP

DESPERATE PEOPLE NEEDED

LEARN HOW TO RIDE A PANTHER

We have an urgent need for a Barber Pole Repair Technician who is able to handle our long list of local clients immediately.

• Follow all regulations and restrictions set forth by the Federal Barber Pole Bureau • Have valid certification to operate a Cylindrical Tension Clamp Calibrator as well as a Vortex Converter Wrench • Be on-call 24/7 including all holidays • Pass a drug test every 2 weeks to ensure you are not high on barber pole grease Interested applicants may send a resume and no fewer than 3 references to Patrick Frink at pfrink@barberfixers.com

We’re looking for the next fresh voice in cubicle design! Send a link to your portfolio to: nextgreatcubicledesigner@hotmail.com

STOP BEING DISAPPOINTED IN YOUR CHEESE! I MAKE CHEESE IN MY BASEMENT AND WOULD LIKE TO SELL IT TO YOU!

STOP BY MY BASEMENT FOR A FREE SAMPLE!

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOUR EAR WAX ISN’T FUCKED UP UNLESS YOU GET IT TESTED?

WANT TO RECLAIM YOUR FORMER GLORY? CALL 1-800-DESPERATE

EVENTS WELCOME BACK HANK!

Help us celebrate the mistrial of Hank Lee McCollum who totally got off on three counts of first degree murder thanks to improperly processed evidence this Saturday at O’Doole’s Pub from 6pm - ??? He promises he won’t boil any of you alive like his alleged victims until AFTER the partly!

CALLING ALL BITCHES

My ex-BFF Staci has tasked me with organizing her bachelorette party even though she made Tiffany her maid of honor. What the fuck? We’ve been best friends since the 3rd grade and she names that whore Tiffany her maid of honor? Tiffany??? UGH! So to punish Staci, I’m asking all women who are complete and utter bitches to crash her stupid bachelorette party. Join us Thursday, April 16 at St. John’s Recreational Hall in Grove City and help me ruin Staci’s last night as a single woman! Free penis themed party favors included. I ask that all party crashers show up already drunk and/or high.

COSBY SWEATER EMPORIUM

Going Out Of Business Sale! MANY STUNNINGLY AWFUL PATTERNS AVAILABLE!

Everything Must Go!

“One Swab and We’ll Know If You Test Positive for Ear Herpes”

WWW.FIGHTEARHERPES.COM

“Crazy” Gary Calico will share the secrets to riding big cats around like a steed for only $50 and a pack of cigarettes. Meet him in the parking garage at Easton with a backpack full of raw meat and a “cando” attitude. Feral training panther will be provided.

GYM TEACHERS ‘R US

OUR STABLE OF RETIRED JUNIOR HIGH GYM TEACHERS ARE AVAILABLE DAY AND NIGHT TO HELP YOU ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS! WHAT GOALS DO YOU NEED COACHED ON IN A VERY HANDS OFF AND SARCASTIC WAY? • CLIMB A REALLY THICK ROPE • GET CALLED A NANCY BOY FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO DO EVEN ONE PULL UP • LEARN SEX-ED FACTS FROM AN EXPERIENCED 65 YEAR OLD MAN • RUN LAPS UNTIL YOU VOMIT • GET YELLED AT FOR GOOFING OFF PACKAGES START AT ONLY $25.00 AN HOUR! GO TO OUR FACEBOOK PAGE TO SCHEDULE YOUR GYM TEACHER TODAY!

No Aquarium is Complete Without a Clownfish! Adding this gilled jokester to your fish family is sure to keep you laughing for weeks!

SAVE UP TO 75% ON ALL IN-STORE STOCK!

JUST 100% WOOD! Be a conscientious witch or wizard!

APOCALYPSE COUNTDOWN CELEBRATION

• Know the correct rotational velocity of a 5” diameter Collins Model X17 Barber Pole

BARBER POLE REPAIR TECHNICIAN

CRUELTY

Show the conformists that Death is Beautiful and Life is Pain

EVENTS

Do you have a heart wrenching family history? Are you a recovering alcoholic? Have you beaten cancer? Are you willing to get naked and make-out with strangers on camera? Then we want to film you for hours while you drive a massive 18 wheeler! Do you have what it takes to emotionally purge yourself while driving a cargo laden semi-truck through shark infested waters? E-mail your headshot and acting reel to: scribblebolognaproductions@gmail.com No former contestants of American Idol need apply!

• ANTIBIOTIC FREE! • GUARANTEED SMELLY!

Fry them up for the best eatin’ you’ve ever had!

HELP WANTED

YO CLOW UR NFISH INCL UDES KIT FREE WATER MAKE- PROOF UP KI T JAUN TY BO AND WLER HAT!

Mail Order Fish Service, LLC

255 West Pinkie Road, Polaris

•

(614) 555-7789

CALL 1-800-FISHFIESTA TO ORDER TODAY! All of our fish are gentley packaged in styrofoam packing peanuts.

DON’T WORRY - IT’S ALMOST OVER

A moustache is merely facial hair.

A DICKSTACHE is a statement! There’s no better way to show off your true nature than a DICKSTACHE! Stalin in Winter

FEELS ALMOST LIKE THE REAL THING!

Anchorman’s Delight

COMMAND THE RESPECT YOU DESERVE WITH EITHER ONE OF THIS SEASON’S DICKSTACHE MODELS!

WWW.DICKSTACHES-4-ALL.COM

CALLING ALL PLASTIC BAG ENTHUSIASTS

PLASTIC ‘17 BAG CON

CON FEATURING:

• Plastic bag collecting

tips for beginners OVER 0 • Display of rare plastic bags 100,00 IC throughout history PLAST LL I W • Plastic bag preservation S BAG SITE! seminars BE ON • A free plastic bag for every attendee to take home!

PLUS:

KEYNOTE SPEAKER ROGER GALLSTONE, PLASTIC BAG HISTORIAN AND SCHOLAR!

ADMISSION: $15.00 FOR ADULTS $5.00 FOR CHILDREN UNDER 12 ALL CHILDREN MUST BE ACCOMPANIED BY AN ADULT.

ASK ABOUT OUR ACTIVE MILITARY & VETERANS DISCOUNT! 25% of the proceeds will go to benefit the “Plastic Bags for Orphans Fund.”

BUY 2 GET 1 FREE!

WE PUT THE “EAR” INTO YOUR EAR OF CORN

Meet our newest strain of genetically engineered corn - the HB-68! It’s poisonous to herbivorous insects like husk weevils AND tastes delicious! With a little more gene-splicing, it may be possible for it to even hear you eating it! Isn’t the future a wonderful place?

Grandmother’s Good Nature Seeds NOT A

TAKING RENEGADE SCIENCE TO THE CONSUMERS! Side effects from eating too much Sweet Corn Strain HB-68 include, but aren’t limited to the following: severe headaches, skin discoloration, vomiting a noxious acidic slime that dissolves wood products, and dry mouth. Contact your doctor immediately so that they may prescribe you Fentolin® - another fine product manufactured by Grandmother’s Good Nature Seeds, LLC!

DR. LAZERUS ZUG, M.D. 182 Brick Place • Polaris (740) 555-1220 PlasticSurgeonOnABudget.com

M Y C R A Z Y J E S U S D R E A M

WHY I HATE SQUIRRELS

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