TS UL Y! AD L ON
WINTER 2016
THE UNDERGROUND NEWSPAPER FOR ABOVE GROUND WEIRDOS!
IS NATURE TRYING TO KILL US ALL LIKE A SILENT NINJA? COMMENTARY BY WHISKEY SLIMJIM
PLUS THE STRANGEST STORY YOU’LL READ ALL WEEK!
It started with a dream only a mountain goat could come up with. And it would have stayed a dream too if Gregory the goat hadn’t won the Powerball Jackpot.
ING START 50 AT $2,3 ! TH A MON
A team of Italian masons worked around the clock for 3 years to deconstruct an Alp mountain and rebuild it right here in the heart of Columbus. The project may have cost Gregory over $300 million dollars, but he couldn’t be happier to bring this gift of sedimentary luxury to Central Ohio.
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THE COLUMBUS
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ColumbusClump@gmail.com ColumbusClump.tumblr.com The Columbus Clump is published and distributed by shadow elements of the CIA in conjunction with the NSA in an effort to profile and monitor those they find “undesirable.” Each issue contains 7 tiny microchips that record your every vocal utterance and transmits them to a sprawling underground computer network for cataloging. All content contained within this publication is for humor purposes only. Nothing is real or meant to be taken seriously. The Columbus Clump is printed quarterly (4 times a year), accepts zero paid advertising, and makes zero profit.
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THE COLUMBUS CLUMP’S LEAST FAVORITE EMOJIS! TENTACLE FETISH BABY CARROT (USED TO SIGNIFY A SMALL PENIS) PATRICK STEWART IN SEARCH OF SEXY TIME GIRL POOP IS IT A BREADED SHRIMP, A BICEP, OR A DISFIGURED DICK? EITHER WAY, WE HATE IT!
EDITOR-AT-LARGE AND IN-CHARGE
ROBERTA FEAR
SELF-PROCLAIMED MARKETING EXPERT
ANDREA THROBBERT
MASKED MEAT MARAUDER
They’re too cheap to buy toilet paper. We have to wipe our asses with back issues of The Clump!
Even when I ask politely, nobody will share their drugs with me.
Definitely all the paper cuts on my butt. The toilet paper sucks here! A man’s anus needs the extra plush brand!
MADISON BRINKLEY
SAL FEEGODDA
MEAT STEALING ADVICE COLUMNIST
CANDICE STANDLINE
SOCIAL MEDIA BRAT
GRIZZLED, NEAR-RETIREMENT JOURNALIST
NEWLY HIRED ADVERTISING REP / FORMER STRIPPER
These people that work here are so annoying! I have to make fake Facebook profiles so they can’t find my real account!
Oh God... The IT service is just terrible. YES - I TURNED IT OFF AND THEN BACK ON AGAIN YOU FUCK NUGGETS! I know they talk about me behind my back in secret nerd lingo, too!
This is actually a pretty cool job. Thanks to sagging ad sales, I kill time by spending most of my day sleeping in my car!
BETHANY FLUORIDE
IRRITABLE GRAPHIC DESIGNER/ PROBABLY HAS A SENSITIVITY TO GLUTEN Even when I worked at minimum wage jobs, there was hope. There’s no hope here.
WHISKEY SLIMJIM
SHARK LIPS
Newspapers are filled with nothing but propaganda and subliminal messages meant to control you. WAKE UP PEOPLE!
Everyone here constantly asks me if my mom fucked a fish. It’s really hurtful.
CONSPIRACY THEORIST / PROLIFIC ZINE MAKER
CONGRATULATIONS TO
ERICA SNIVEL WINNER OF THE COLUMBUS CLUMP’S FIRST ANNUAL GROSSEST ANKLE TATTOO CONTEST! For having the most disgusting ankle tattoo in Columbus, Erica wins a three day trip to Cancun, Mexico at her own expense, a year’s supply of talcum powder for her lady parts, and Columbus Clump: The Home Game. The really weird thing is she tells us she got this truly terrible tattoo back in 2006!
PITY INTERN
COOL PEOPLE DOING COOL THINGS
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1 IN 4 MAN GERBILS WILL SKELETON DIE AFTER READING THIS aD REAL NAME: Jeff Petzinger WINS: 87
LOSES: 112 FINISHING MOVES: Gangly Arm Clothesline, Poorly Executed Piledriver, Elbow Drop to the Kidney FEUDS AGAINST: Downtown Gary, The Nad Stomper, Greased Up Larry, Barbara (Jeff’s wife), The Neighbor’s Dog
FORTUNATELY, J MOST GERBILS CAN’T READ.
eff “Man Skeleton” Petzinger has been a legend in the Columbus backyard wrestling scene for over 20 years. Now this average Joe grappler is on the cusp of joining fellow central Ohio backyard wrestling icons Shirtless Bobby, Crab Legs McAlister, and The Cargo Shorts Kid in the Amateur Professional Wrestling Hall of Fame. On the eve of his induction ceremony and last ever backyard wrestling match, we catch up with the man who proved that even a 98 lb weakling can be a champion as long as the outcome is fixed.
So - Do you prefer that I call you Jeff or Man Skeleton? Ha! Ha! Jeff is fine. I’m only Man Skeleton while in the ring and by ring I mean the moldy old tarp we wrestle each other on.
END GERBIL LITERACY BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.
I’ve never interviewed anyone with a moniker before. How did you get your colorful nickname? Are you seriously asking me that? Umm... Yes? I have a rare disease that makes my muscles waste away. Consequently, I have a very boney physique. Doctors say I won’t live past the age of 40. I turn 40 in 3 days.
ANTI-GERBIL READING INITIATIVE
So this really is your final match, then. Yes, thanks to my degenerate illness. It’s going to be epic, though. I’m defending my title against a guy my promoter/manager Sidney found roaming the streets who thinks he’s a viking. Near as we can tell, he’s an escaped mental patient who’s watched the Thor movies too many times. I’ll also be participating in a tag team match with my partner, Drunk Dad Dressed in a Polo Shirt against the Double Amputee Brothers. That’s not all. I’m happy to announce our guest referee will be retired backyard wrestling superstar Mature Audience Man! Oh wow! MA Man came in all the way from Nevada for this? Kind of. He lives in his car now.
Am I correct to assume the whole event is taking place in your backyard? Yes. It’s in my backyard. It’s a little tight, but I’ve been able to fit over 35 people back there before. You have to watch out for all the dog turds, but you’re right by the action. There’s plenty of street parking on my block. And I was told there will be a food truck there. People won’t come unless there’s at least one food truck. We checked and serving luke warm hot dogs out of my 1998 Dodge Neon counts as a food truck in the state of Ohio. My 12 year old daughter will also be providing live music. She’s learning to play the saxophone. It’ll be a great event for families to bring the kids to. Tickets are only $8 for adults and $3 for children under 10. Your manager told me that 75% of the proceeds are being donated to charity. That’s a really great gesture, especially for someone in your condition. Motherfucker! I never agreed to that! I’ve got a fricking mortgage to pay! I’ve got medical bills! I didn’t mean... Do you know how much it costs to re-sod my backyard after doing one of these things? I don’t know... A lot? It probably would be if I actually did it! n
BULLSHIT COVER STORY
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THE SILENT KILLER THAT LURKS ALL AROUND US THIS TIME OF YEAR... By Whiskey Slimjim When you live out of your van down by the Scioto, unusual information has a habit of finding you. Take for instance what I heard last week from my friend Gary Calico. He told me the police have long been baffled by the deaths of hundreds of people every winter. The lifeless bodies of seemingly healthy men and woman are found brutally killed by numerous small incisions all over their bodies. According to him, frightened authorities have hushed up the homicides without even so much as offering an explanation. Gary also told me that a giraffe-faced caterpillar lives in his brain, but that’s a case for another day. Stunned by this information, I immediately began my investigation into just why the government is keeping these mysterious deaths a secret from the public. My “conspiracy sense” was already tingling. I initially thought these unsolved crimes were being carried out by one of Hilary Clinton’s taxpayer funded death squads. Upon considering this, I concluded the jobs were too neatly done. Her hit men are way too incompetent to ever commit such tidy murders. It occurred to me that swarms of nano-drones released by the Mossad could be the culprit, but I couldn’t think of what motive they’d have to commit such random murders. Of course alien abduction is always a possibility. Those sadistic grey bastards are always fucking around with us. Then it dawned on me that this goes far deeper than anything I’ve ever dealt with before. The only one capable of such brutal manslaughter is none other than that psycho bitch Mother Nature herself! It’s not enough that she come at us with earthquakes,
volcanoes, and tsunamis. She also has to be sneaky like a ninja. Bear with me for a moment as I explain. Like all people, I’m sure you’ve spent hours at your button down office job Googling how to get away with murder. The best method is obvious. Stab your victim at the base of the neck with an icicle, that way the murder weapon melts away and leaves no incriminating evidence behind. That’s exactly what Mother Nature is doing. Have you ever looked at a flake of snow before? I’m talking really close like with a microscope or eye of a hawk. All snowflakes have needle sharp spikes like throwing stars. Coincidence? I think not! Snow is a weapon designed to kill and leave no trace! Sure, one or two snowflakes hitting you will cause little harm. One or two hundred, though, is enough to cut you down where you stand only to melt away! Now I don’t want or need any recognition for sharing this information with you and possibly saving your life. Exposing conspiracies is what I do. Just grant me one favor: Be wary this winter. That heinous mistress Mother Nature looms ever ready to stab you to death with her prickly snow. Never let her catch you. Never let her catch you... n
LOOK LIKE THE DOUCHE YOU ARE
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OBVIOUSLY FAKE NEWS
QUICK HITS DALLAS, TEXAS – After 2 years of court proceedings, a Federal judge has ruled that all Dallas elementary schools must immediately remove a controversial textbook from their facilities. Entitled “Magnets are for Bitches,” the science book has been a lightning rod of debate since it was unveiled in 2013. “This is a great day for Texas,” said Principal Sal Zacheral after the decision. “Now we have a chance to start over with a new textbook for our youngsters and get it right. Everyone knows magnets aren’t for bitches. Magnets are for pussies!” PORTLAND, OREGON - In the wake of seeing its stock plummet $75 in 2 days, Dynamic Idea Products, Inc. has announced it is firing Vice President of Research and Development Matthew Prinick. Critics of the move contend that Prinick is merely a scapegoat in a company-wide disaster and CEO Cynthia Mondale is the true person who should take the blame for D.I.P. losing tens of millions of dollars. Stockbroker Eli Ferret has been watching the situation closely since the beginning. “The whole ordeal started when D.I.P. unveiled its newest product, Snot Safe. This is the invention Cynthia heralded as a ‘gamechanger’ in the personal security industry during her last TED talk. She claimed that by utilizing the power of used facial tissues, germ weary criminals would be too disgusted to steal any valuables protected by Snot Safe,” Ferret explained. “So far, the public has shown that it is not on board with supporting a used facial tissue product.” In a statement released yesterday, Mondale refuted claims that Prinick was unfairly fired over the Snot Safe fiasco. “Matthew Prinick was a fine employee. He showed up to work on time and only browsed his Facebook account during his lunch break. The decision to release him from his position came not because Snot Safe’s sales failed to reach projections. It was because of his vocal opposition to designing products based on used facial tissues. Used facial tissues are the future of D.I.P. Inc. Those that fail to embrace my bold new vision for D.I.P. Inc. are invited to seek employment elsewhere.” Fears of more cutbacks within D.I.P. Inc. mount as its financial loses continue.
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WALMART ATTEMPTS TO JOIN ILLUMINATI
Over the past couple of weeks, people all around central Ohio have noticed strange activity surrounding their area Walmarts. According to multiple witnesses, the big box stores have all simultaneously begun mysterious largescale renovations to their facades. Construction crews have erected massive curtains to conceal their work and posted armed guards with no explanation to the public. What’s even stranger is this phenomenon does not seem isolated to just our Walmarts. The internet is ablaze with reports of similar clandestine activity nationwide. Desperate to find an answer and finally earn my father’s love, I attempted to bribe one of the construction foremen to reveal his confidential information. It proved disastrous. He took my $20 and then locked me in a porta-potty for six hours. Next, I used my kid brother’s spy drone to get an aerial view of their activity, but that proved to be an equally terrible idea. Walmart sharpshooters pumped it full of lead using Walmart brand sniper rifles and Walmart brand hollow-point bullets. Finally, with no other options, I simply called Walmart Corporate Headquarters and asked them. After waiting on hold for 25 minutes, an operator connected me to Anita Vespers, Vice President of Branding and Marketing, who was more than happy to answer all of my questions. “The renovations are just Phase One of Walmart’s daring new direction,” she told me. “Walmart is the most prosperous company the world has ever known. With that success comes stagnation. In order to secure Walmart’s future, we decided that we need to make drastic changes and form new alliances. That is why we have decided to join the Illuminati.” For the less conspiracy minded of you out there who have never heard of this nefarious organization, the Illuminati are a shadowy group comprised of the global elite who pull the strings on everything
from the world’s economy to engineering wars. “We at Walmart would love to associate ourselves with an organization of their caliber,” Anita continued. “They’re rich, powerful, well organized, and rule through terror. What’s not to like?” In an effort to ingratiate themselves into the good graces of the Illuminati, Walmart has decided to refurbish all of their stores into pyramids with the all seeing eye of God on top. Not only is it a well-known symbol we all know from the dollar bill, it also serves as sacred iconography for the Illuminati. “If that doesn’t get their attention, we might have to resort to Phase 2 which is releasing a super deadly bioweapon upon the stupid mouth-breathers of America. They’re our primary customer base, but sacrifices must be made. Either way, we’re sending the message that we are all in on the New World Order!” Anita said in a giddy voice. Construction of the occult structures are expected to continue well into 2018. Customers are encouraged to pitch in with the work as slave labor or suffer the consequences. n
An artist’s illustration of what every Walmart in America will look like by 2018.
THE SAD WORLD OF ENTERTAINMENT
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CONTROVERSY SURROUNDS ACADEMY AWARD NOMINATIONS
As you may already know, Twitter is an endless abyss of bile-filled crybabies who are continually mired in a state of discontent. This week the ire of the social media damned became fixated on the Academy Awards. For the 89th year in a row, the esteemed celebrity gala has neglected to nominate a computer generated character for an Oscar for best actor or actress. Activist P.J. Snarky is not only responsible for the hashtag that’s shone some light on this injustice, #StoptheCGhate, but has also organized the Twitter backlash against the Academy. “It’s just not fair, you know,” the 300 lb. man or woman with a pixie haircut told me via Skype. “CGI characters are people too and should be recognized for their rich heritage. Without them, our films would be devoid of the diversity the movie industry desperately needs. Look at the film ‘Finding Dory.’ Why was Dory not nominated for best actress?” the androgynous behemoth continued. “Don’t you think in the year 2017 that it’s time a CGI fish deserves to at least be nominated for an Academy Award? I don’t want to live in a world of bigotry any longer! It’s time to take action!”
Fellow armchair activist and Snarky’s chief lieutenant in the cause, Olivia Gracestone, elaborated on the demands of their cadre of social justice warriors. “It’s criminal that the members of the Academy refuse to admit that they’re racist. They should all be stripped of their personal property and imprisoned in a Gulag! I should be the one making all the nominations for all award shows! Me! Me! Me!” Gracestone concluded. Academy spokeswoman, Bernice Crumburk, responded to my repeated requests for comment with this succinct e-mail: “Contrary to popular belief, the members of the Academy do not actually watch any of the films that they nominate. Their criteria for nomination mostly depends on if anyone in the cast has a British accent and if the movie came out in December.” Snarky, Gracestone, and their group of almost 20 liberal arts college dropouts have organized a boycott of the Academy Awards that I’m sure everyone else will ignore. An Indiegogo campaign has been started to fund a safe space for those unable to handle the stress of watching the awards on television. n
THE CLUMP’S TOP 5 CGI CHARACTERS TO NEVER WIN AN ACADEMY AWARD FOR ACTING 5. WALL-E WALL-E, 2008
The little robot that captured the heart of America may have received a Presidential Medal of Freedom from Barack Obama in 2015, but he has never been able to hoist one of the golden statuettes with his adorable gripper claws.
4. T-REX JURASSIC PARK, 1993
When T-Rex first hit the screen in the blockbuster motion picture Jurassic Park, critics hailed him as the best villain since Hannibal Lecter. The future looked bright for the CGI dino, but he eventually succumbed to his demons, dying in 2003 from a heroin overdose.
3. GOLLUM LORD OF THE RINGS, 2001 – 2003
In a performance for the ages, Gollum wowed movie goers in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Things turned south for the man-goblin soon after. Those in Hollywood shunned him following the release of his 2006 best-selling autobiography entitled “Raw and Wriggling: My Unexpected Journey” in which he blamed 9-11 on the Jews. This led to his role being filled by Jennifer Lawrence in the recent Hobbit films.
2. MATT DAMON GOOD WILL HUNTING, 1997 Indeed, Matt Damon and his fellow CGI created writing partner, Ben Affleck, received Oscars for best original screenplay for Good Will Hunting, but has yet to be
honored for his acting chops. Even though Damon is the only CGI character to garner a stable mainstream following, he reportedly still cries himself to sleep every night, ashamed that he’s just a fictional character.
1. DOBBY HARRY POTTER, 2002 – 2011
Can you honestly tell me you didn’t cry at the death scene of this house elf in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1? Few realize that director David Yates actually killed Dobby for real to make the scene feel “more emotional.” British police attempted to bring murder charges against the sadistic filmmaker but ultimately failed since it technically isn’t a crime to kill a CGI character. Since then, the United Nations has introduced the “Dobby Agreement,” a treaty designed to grant basic human rights to all CGI characters.
FORGOTTEN EX-BUCKEYE SUBJECT OF NEW DOCUMENTARY Those who followed the Buckeyes during the early 1990s may remember a promising freshman that went by the name A.D.A.M. A five-star defensive end recruit, the 8’2” 765 lb. A.D.A.M. boasted incredible measurables. The android possessed strength, speed, stamina, and agility that far exceeded that of a normal human. Everyone in Columbus got to see him display his superior athleticism in his first and only game playing for the scarlet and grey. A.D.A.M. recorded an eye-popping eight sacks, two forced fumbles, and ten tackles for loss against Ball State. The onslaught he brought was so intense, all three of the quarterbacks on the Cardinal’s roster refused to play in the fourth quarter. Drunken OSU fans orgasmed in unison at the thought that the bionic man would lead them to another national championship. None of it was meant to be, however. Due to pressure from several special interest groups, the NCAA ruled that A.D.A.M. was ineligible to play any collegiate sports because of his “excessive machine-ness.” Later that week, the mechanical man was banned from campus after it was alleged he was growing marijuana in the laundry room of his dorm. That was the last time anyone heard from A.D.A.M. until now. He is the subject of EPSN’s new 40 for 40 documentary “Do Androids Dream of Electric Buckeyes?” “It took quite a bit of work, but we finally tracked A.D.A.M. down. He was working as a lumberjack in the Alaskan wilderness and had changed his name to J.O.E,” said Norman Palepalm, the documentary’s director. “It was just a different time back then. Terminator 2 had just come out and fear of androids usurping mankind was at an all-time high. Combine that with A.D.A.M.’s rampant steroid use and it was a recipe for disaster!” “Do Androids Dream of Electric Buckeyes?” premiers this Thursday at 9:00pm Eastern Standard time. n
COMIC ABOUT A CAT
6
EVERYONE LOVES CAT COMICS
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THIS IS GOING TO GET WEIRD
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MY FATHER WAS A THONGBYTERIAN
L
ocal author Joseph Janowski’s new memoir “My Father was a Thongbyterian” not only deals with the death of a parent, but also his dad’s membership in a strange religious cult of thong wearing men. Thanks to his publisher, we at The Clump are able to provide you with a preview of what is sure to be a modern classic. Here, without any editing, is the first chapter of “My Father was a Thongbyterian.”
Pictured above: Dwayne at his son Joseph’s wedding, 1997
My stomach tightened slightly as I made my way to my father’s casket. The assembled floral arrangements that surround it outnumber the dozen or so people that have come to the wake, confirming what I already knew about how his peers thought of his eccentric lifestyle. He rests in an unusual coffin, one specially designed as per his final wishes, manufactured from PlexiGlass or some other durable transparent material. It was expensive, I’m sure, but my father wished us all to see him in death the same way we saw him in life: Dressed in nothing but a neon orange thong. No, it’s not a sexual thing if that’s what you’re wondering. God knows he would never have sacrificed his job, family and most of his normal friends for a simple kink. He would claim it was the will of God that he proceed through the world clad in nothing but a revealing spandex garment. It was all part of the enigmatic teachings of the religious sect known as the Thongbyterians. I’m not sure what other doctrine they preach other than abandoning normal clothing in favor of only a thong. A tear trickles down my cheek at the thought that it is perhaps too late to ever gain insight into my father’s maddening obsession. My self-pitying is interrupted by a warm, firm hand grasping my shoulder. “The mortician did a pretty good job, considering he had to practically prepare his whole body,” my sister softly says. Her puffy eyes refuse to look up from our father’s near
naked corpse. “Yeah, I guess,” I reply to humor her. In reality his lifeless wrinkled body resembles someone that spent an hour too long in a bath and then caked themselves in flesh colored makeup. “Mom didn’t fly in?” “No. She said she’s busy with Chad.” There isn’t time for me to linger any longer on our mother’s absence. I’m distracted as a solemn procession of my father’s Thongbyterian brothers shuffle into the stuffy funeral parlor. They proceed through the doorway in single file, causing the floorboards under the worn magenta carpet to creak over and over again as they enter. As with my father, only brightly colored thongs cover their pasty, well-past-their-prime bodies. I lose myself for a moment, hypnotized by the synchronized jiggling of their guts. Nearly two dozen of them stream in before their exalted leader makes his entrance. He slips in slump shouldered and looking somewhat embarrassed, fumbling in vain with the elastic of his zebra print thong. It seems that as with the Catholics, Thongbyterians prefer their clergy to wear ridiculous hats. A velvet covered maroon fez tops the holy man’s bald noggin but it does little to give him an air of authority. One of his disciples follows him closely. Grasped tightly in his ruddy fist is an ancient looking boombox. “So these are the losers my father gave up a normal life for,” I muse to myself with more than a little bitterness.
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SEE - I TOLD YOU... The holder of the sacred boombox slips a CD scrawled with “Funeral Mix” in black Sharpie. Before I know it, the room is filled with a mournful, yet familiar melody. It takes a couple of minutes for me to realize it’s none other than Sisqo’s “Thong Song” set to the tune of “Amazing Grace.” That Thoooonnng, Thaaaaa, Tha Tha Thooooonnnng, Thong, Thong, Tha Thong. One by one, the handful of other mourners slip out, not willing to take part in the thong sideshow. Before long, it’s just my sister and I among a takeover of sweaty Thongbyterians. Sisqo’s butchered lyrics fade away as the Thong Pope launches into the memorial service. “It’s with deep sadness we gather here today, my brothers,” he sighs. “One of our own, Dwayne Allen Janowski, has passed through the veil into the other side. He was one of the first of us, one of the best of us. Few have sacrificed as much as him in the name of the Thong and I’m sure he is looking down on us from on high in a throne beside the Thong Father himself.” A unified “Amen” murmurs forth from the audience.“There’s not much solace I can give the bereaved but please keep Dwayne’s son, Joseph, and daughter, Samantha, in your nightly devotionals. Now, a reading from the Thong Bible.” Thong Bible? What kind of twisted religion is this? Did they just co-opt Christianity and place the word “thong” in front of everything? “Upon moving the stone that blocked Christ’s tomb, John saw his master Jesus had been resurrected. The rags he had been wrapped in had vanished and in their place was a glorious leopard print thong. Spikes of radiant light shout forth and the Thong-Child spoke: “Hear me my most faithful disciple; I have been risen by my father as a reward for paying with my life for the sins of man. Don now your own thong and spread the good news among the people. Let those who acknowledge my sacrifice for their salvation also garb themselves in the clothing of the saved.” And so it was that John went forth from village to village in his own holy thong, proclaiming God’s love.” Another “Amen” softly choruses through the followers. How they can accept that modern fabrics somehow existed in Biblical times, I do not know. Six pre-selected pallbearers rise from the first row and lift up my father’s coffin. We all follow them
outside into the late August evening where they load their cargo into a waiting hearse. “Hey Joey!” A burly, sunburnt Thongbyterian spins me around and thrusts out his meaty paw. “Yes! You look just like your pa! Dwayne would always talk about little Joey at mass. He was so proud of you and your sister!” the stranger merrily spurts out as he vigorously shakes my hand. “Oh heck, we’re practically family!” he abruptly exclaims and pulls me in for a crushing bear hug. Once released, I subtly pull one of his stray chest hairs from my mouth as he prattles on. “I’m sure your pa told you all about me!” He smiles with outstretched arms like a John Belushi clone. I shake my head no. “Cliff! Cliff Merkey!” “Sorry,” I shrug. “Damn. Dwayne lived on the ranch with me this past year, ever since he got sick. He never mentioned me? Not once?” “My father and I didn’t speak often,” I offer to alleviate his disappointment. “Oh heck, I guess ‘ol Dwayne always did have a private side, eh? He probably didn’t want you to worry about his financial troubles.” I’m preoccupied for the rest of the conversation by Cliff’s apparent ignorance of my personal space. I can feel the smooth fabric of his bright green thong continually rub against my thigh. Every time I nudge backwards, he absentmindedly pursues. My uneasy trance is finally broken when Cliff extends one of his business cards in front of my nose. “Like I said, you can leave your pa’s processions at my place until you’re ready. There’s absolutely no hurry. Just ring me up when you’re ready to come out to the ranch.” On the car ride home, my mind drifts back to when my father first took the sacred oath to never wear any clothing other than a thong again. He practically bounced through the kitchen door and announced his “salvation” to me as I ate a bowl of cereal. An exuberant glow oozed off of his nearly nude frame. “You don’t understand yet, Joey, but you will soon. I’ll help make sure of that,” he chirped while thrusting a copy of the “Thong Bible” into my chest. “On the seventh day, God made the Thong and the Thong was good. It’s all in the good book!”
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Already at the awkward age of 17 where even fully clothed parents are excruciatingly embarrassing, I carried the shameful burden of my father’s born again status through half a year of high school. Unable to take the whispers and sideways glances any longer, I dropped out and promptly joined the Navy. My mother bailed soon after. Samantha toughed it out at home for another three years until she was able to leave for college. Still, even losing his family did little to diminish Dwayne Janowski’s new found positivity. It took losing his job as a sales representative at a small adhesives company and dedicating his life to a landmark freedom of religion lawsuit to do that. n “My Father was a Thongbyterian” was rejected for sale by every major brick and mortar store as well as Amazon. You can order copies only from Dwayne’s blogspot page. Autographed editions are $19.99 + shipping.
NEVER BE INTIMIDATED BY ONE OF THESE SHIT BIRDS AGAIN!
PICTIONARY: TATTOO EDITION
REAL ESTATE ON THE MOON
Thanks to a successful Kickstarter campaign, the world now has Pictionary: Tattoo Edition. Instead of drawing clues on a piece of paper as in the original classic board game, Tattoo Edition has players tattoo the clues on each other, allowing the fun and illegible memories of game night to be permanent!
Gifting an acre of property on the moon is a horrible way to show your loved ones you care about them. Pretending to buy them an acre of property on the moon isn’t so bad. Hey - It’s not like they’ll ever be able to go up there and prove you never bought them jack, thus saving you some dough. Screw ‘em!
Available at Decorative Infections Tattoo Parlor for $45
Download the fake deed to moon land at www.fakemoonpresents.com
SUBSCRIPTION TO BOLOGNA DREAMS
GIFT CARD FOR SEX
What do you get someone who likes to eat deli meat and read a lot? A subscription to Bologna Dreams, the only literary journal for meat, of course! World-class editor and meat lover Gary Calico collects the best essays, short stories, and poems about meat into a lush, perfect bound publication every month.
It can be hard thinking up the perfect gift to get that special someone in your life. Make it easy for yourself this year by getting them the gift that keeps on giving: A $25 gift card for sex. Not only is it a win for them, but also a win for you. Unless they decide to cash in that gift card for sex with someone else.
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Available in your pants
MUNION DOLL Why spend top dollar on one of those name brand Minion dolls the kids love when you can get the Ukrainian knock-off made out of an onion for pennies on the dollar? Admit it - Your kid isn’t smart enough to know the difference anyway. Find them being sold in the back of a Russian man’s trunk in a desolate parking lot for only 18 rubles
MIDDLE FINGER CHIA PET Everyone has that certain someone at the office who’s a real a-hole and it’s just your luck that you always end up drawing their name in Secret Santa. This year you can finally let them know how you really feel with this sensational gift. It’ll be like you’re flipping that jerk the bird every minute of the work day! Available wherever really crappy things are sold
CLASSIFIEDS REAL ESTATE
RENTAL LIVING
HELP WANTED
LAWN GNOMES GALORE
ROOM FOR RENT Looking for quiet roommate that doesn’t mind sharing space with 8 free range iguanas. Only 3 of them are territorial. The perfect applicant is able to pay 1/2 the rent, 1/2 the utilities, and doesn’t mind me staring at them while they’re asleep. Call Dawn at 614-555-1001
FLAT EARTH RESEARCHER
Charming family friendly home comes with 12 adorable lawn gnomes. Their names are Smally Fiddlepants, Sean Patrick Longbeard, Vanessa Girdle-Top (she’s trans), Leopold Grape-Nuts, Squiggy Toe-Jam, Meekard Mushrooms, Fairywing Smith, Georgio Guapo, Mr. Klondike Bean, Albert Sprout-Turd, Pepper Sneezedoodle, and Stumpy Joe. These rambunctious fellows will forever hold their place of honor in the master bedroom or a curse will be forever put upon your family name. Florida room, in-ground pool, and good school district. $186,000
LOVELY RANCH HOME
Great 4 BR 2BA house situated on 1.5 acres. Owners are disclosing there is a giant sinkhole in the back, but the right buyer will be able to put a positive spin on it! It’d be a perfect start on a 75 ft deep pool or perhaps allow your neighbors to throw their trash into it. The possibilities are endless! FRANK SIENNA REALTY “SIENNA SELLS!” (614) 555-SIENNA SURE, OUR HOUSE HAS BEEN ON THE MARKET FOR OVER 3 YEARS, BUT WE AREN’T BUDGING ON THE PRICE! WE’LL LET THE THING FALL DOWN AROUND US BEFORE THAT HAPPENS! ASKING $255,900 - FIRM! CALL JIM MARDUCK AT (614) 555-6021 CIVIL WAR RE-ENACTMENT FIELD 36 ACRES OF PRISTINE LAND THAT WAS ONCE USED AS A CIVIL WAR RE-ENACTMENT BATTLEFIELD. IGNORE THE PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL PRETENDING TO BE DEAD. THEY’LL LEAVE WHEN THEY RUN OUT OF SNACKS. CONTACT FRANNIE “REBEL KILLER” McJUNKIN (614) 555-6025
ARE YOU A CHILD OF THE 1990S?
Then you will fall in love with this 3BR 1.5 BA ranch home that has sat vacant since 1994! The abandoned possessions the previous owners left behind are part of the deal! $134,900. COLDSORE BANKER REALTY DON’T EVEN BOTHER COMING TO THE OPEN HOUSE. WE’RE GOING INTO CONTRACT WITHIN THE FIRST HOUR OF LISTING THIS BEAUTY FOR SALE. GOOGLE IT AND DROOL, LOSERS 310 VENOM AVE., DUBLIN, OH
UPPER ARLINGTON STUNNER!
This is a simply fabulous house furnished in leopard skin decor and featuring a one-of-a-kind taxidermy room. Former owner, who is now deceased, was an avid big game hunter, going on many safaris throughout Asia, Africa, and the suburbs of Detroit. As stipulated in his will, he is to be stuffed, mounted, and preserved with the many animals he killed. He’ll make a GREAT conversation starter! Asking $437,025 but willing to negotiate thanks to our unusual circumstances. KRAG REALTY • 614-555-3333
SPACIOUS MOP CLOSET AVAILABLE
Live the good life in 10 SF of luxury! Located in the lobby of the Miranova Suites, you won’t find a cozier hideaway! Asking $1250 per month plus you will have to occasionally mop around the building. Call Donald Smithee at 614-555-8021 to start your dream today!
FOR SALE PANDA BEAR COSTUME MADE OF REAL PANDA BEAR* PERFECT FOR PARTIES OR JUST WEARING AROUND THE HOUSE. ASKING $160 PLUS THE PROMISE YOU NEVER TELL MY HUSBAND I’M SELLING HIS MOST PRIZED POSSESSION. CALL GERTRUDE SLINNOT AT (614) 555-0034 *Made of 30% panda, 60% black bear, 10% Labrador retriever.
USED TRAFFIC CONES FOR SALE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO NEED A BEAT UP, TAR SMEARED TRAFFIC CONE. HUNDREDS OF SHAPES, SIZES, AND MODELS TO CHOOSE FROM! GO TO JACK GRACEY’S ETSY STORE PAGE TO BROWSE HIS FULL INVENTORY! JUST SEARCH “TRAFFIC CONE PARADISE.” REPLICA OF RONALD REGAN’S FACE MADE OF 625 LBS. OF BEESWAX. OWN THIS WORK OF ART TODAY! $2,575. CALL DIANNE (740) 555-602
400 ARBY’S COUPONS FOR SALE Save big at Arby’s. Tons of BOGO Roast Beef Sandwiches in there. $200 or will trade for guns. Call (614) 555-1004. Ask for Chris M.
VEHICLES FOR SALE 2003 CHEVY CAVALIER IF IT SURVIVED HURRICANE KATRINA, IT CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING! ASKING $1200 AS IS CALL REBECCA AT 614-555-2321
Immediate opening at OSU Flat Earth Research Facility for a qualified Flat Earth Researcher. Help us prove that asshole Neil deGrasse Tyson wrong and show the world that we have all been lied to. The Earth is not a sphere at all, but rather disk-shaped! Qualified applicant should have a Master’s degree in some sort of field and be prone to wild delusions. Send resumes to Dr. Hilda Braumfeld at: 2323 West Scott Road, Columbus, OH or e-mail to cravenqueenhilda74@yahoo.com
TALENTED MINER REQUIRED
ONLY ACCEPTING THOSE DWARVEN APPLICANTS THAT CAN DEMONSTRATE LINEAGE TO THE GREAT THORIN OAKENSHIELD OR EQUIVALENT MIDDLE-EARTH ANCESTRY. SEND RESUMES TO: BAULDER THE STOUT HEARTED, VP OF DWARVEN RECRUITMENT MOUNT DOOM RESOURCE MANAGEMENT CORPORATION 816 RIVENDELL BLVD., MIDDLE-EARTH 8144-64553 BAND NEEDED BAND NEEDED TO PERFORM AT 13 YEAR OLD’S BAR MITZVAH NEXT SATURDAY. BAND MUST LOOK AND SOUND EXACTLY LIKE THE BLACK KEYS. I PROMISED MY SON THEY WOULD SHOW UP AND HE WENT AND INVITED HIS WHOLE CLASS TO SEE THEM. PLEASE PLAY ALONG! GIG PAYS $50 + ALL THE SHRIMP COCKTAIL YOU CAN EAT. CALL BERNICE SHALOMBAUM AT (740) 555-1243
PENCIL SHARPENING SAVANT NEEDED
Short term contract available for the right gifted person. Our company requires over 5,000 pencils sharpened to perfection within the next 8 weeks. We’ve tried using temps and they kept breaking the lead. It’s time to call in an expert! Qualified applicant will need to provide a list of at least 3 references from previous clients they provided sharpening services to as well as a quick demonstration of sharpening prowess. Open interviews begin Monday, 9:30 am at 56 S. West Street North, Columbus, OH 44186
THREATS Dear Robert, You may have noticed all of your friends have mysteriously died recently. You may have also noticed that next week is the one year anniversary of when you and your friends ran over a homeless gentleman with your Jeep Grand Cherokee and threw his dead body in the lake to cover up your misdeed. Well I’m back, Robert, and this time one of my hands has been replaced by a rusty hook. See you Wednesday. Sincerely, Psychotic Hobo STOP PARKING IN THE HANDICAPPED SPACE THAT I LIKE, GARY! I DON’T CARE IF YOU BROKE YOUR COLLARBONE! I WILL WHACK YOU WITH MY WALKER IF YOU DO NOT STOP! HAVE A NICE DAY! -DENISE
HELP WANTED
663 INDIAN BURIAL GROUND RD. COLUMBUS, OH
(614) 555-1402
SERVICES
LOST – BASKET OF CHEDDAR BAY BISCUITS TAKEN FROM A RED LOBSTER PARKING LOT BY 2 SEAGULLS WORKING IN TANDEM. PLEASE CALL DARYL IMMEDIATELY IF FOUND! (614) 555-6012
BIOHAZARD TRUCKING Biohazard Trucking is always looking for new people to join our stable of drivers. Consider joining our team of professionals that aren’t afraid to handle the jobs those other companies refuse to touch! Our streamlined safety standards and disposal practices free you up to do what you’re good at: keep your mouth shut and deliver dangerous cargo from point A to point B. Benefits include: • Tons of fresh air while handling bio-medical waste • AM/FM Radio in all company provided vehicles • 6 days paid vacation per year • Government mandated health plan • Exposure to some really gnarly experiments gone wrong Interested applicants can send their resumes to: Brandon Furbill, Human Resources Director 88 S. Salvage Road, Grove City, OH 55310
TATTOO PARLOR ADVOCATE
It’s been proven that a town’s prosperity is measured by how many tattoo parlors it has. The mission of the Tattoos For All Foundation is to promote creation of new tattoo facilities as well as nurture existing ones. As an advocate for our foundation, you will recruit new artists and review grant applications. This position is strictly on a volunteer basis. We’re a nonprofit, so only the founder, CEO, and other executives receive a paycheck. While we cannot pay you, you will have many opportunities to get some free ink! Apply today at www.tattoosforallfoundation.org
Do You Have What It Takes To Wear The Armor? WE HOPE SO BECAUSE IT’S THE ONLY THING THAT CAN PROTECT YOU FROM OUR WILDLY UNSAFE FRYERS.
EVENTS SATANIC SNOWMAN OCCULT SHINDIG
Will this be the year we finally animate an army of demonically possessed snowmen to do our unholy bidding? Join our unbroken voodoo circle this Thursday at 5:00 to not only be a part of history, but also ascend to one of this planet’s rulers! Bring a covered dish and your own chicken blood. DAVID BOWIE LIVES! AFTER STUDYING HIS SONGS FOR MONTHS, I HAVE FOUND THE CLUES BOWIE LEFT BEHIND AND CAN PROVE HE FAKED HIS DEATH. AS A REWARD, I’M SURE HE WILL REVEAL HIMSELF TO ME AND GIVE A PRIVATE CONCERT NEXT SUNDAY AT 8:30PM. TICKETS ARE $125.00 PER PERSON. I ONLY ACCEPT CASH!
HILLIARD’S ANNUAL COMMUNITY POOP COLLECTION DAY
We know it’s been a hard year but the day has finally arrived! Make sure all of the poop you’ve been saving throughout the year is deposited for pickup on your curb this Saturday. Human poop, animal poop, and other poop is all accepted. No other waste will be taken!
HOW DO YOU KNOW THE CUISINE YOU GIVE YOUR PRECIOUS CATS IS OF THE HIGHEST QUALITY? HAVE YOU EVER TASTED IT? I HOPE NOT BECAUSE THIS IS KIND OF MY SCREWED UP THING. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL! IT’S CALLED: “THE FANCIFUL WOMAN WHO EATS CATFOOD!”
SEXUAL SERVICES DO YOU LIKE ROLE PLAYING?
I can fulfill your deepest fantasies by dressing up as whatever your heart desires! Sexy School Girl • Sexy Firefighter • Sexy Nurse Sexy Teacher • Sexy Barista • Sexy Nun Sexy Airplane Captain • Sexy Crack Whore Sexy Vampire • Sexy Dinosaur Call Doug at 614-555-2045 Check out my Instagram account to see me in all of my costumes!
TOPLESS PLUMBING
Get your pipes snaked like never before! Exposing a little plumber’s crack costs extra. Call Burly Sue at (614) 555-3410
FREE SAMPLES! CALL MADAME BOULQUOIS AT (614) 555-1249
WEREWOLF TESTING SERVICES
Have you recently been bitten by a wolf or large dog? You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get tested for lycanthropy (that’s fancy talk for werewolf-ism). Act now before the next full moon. All results are confidential. CALL 1-800-WAHOOO
COME TRY THE MOVE WE’VE NICKNAMED “THE BUTTERY BAGEL SPLITTER” OVER AT TINY TINA’S BROTHEL & CAFE. EVERYONE WHO SUCCESSFULLY EXECUTES IT RECEIVES A FREE NOVELTY T-SHIRT! TINY TINA’S BROTHEL & CAFE 932 GREAT JEEP ROAD, WESTERVILLE NO WAXING FOR THIS LADY! I’M SO HAIRY, IT LOOKS LIKE A TROLL DOLL DOWN THERE! I KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE! (614) 555-5031 ASK FOR FURRY SANDY
ARGH! ARE YE READY TO EMBARK ON HIGH ADVENTURE? JOIN ME AND MY SOMALI CREW FOR THIS INTENSIVE 5 WEEK COURSE IN PIRACY! WE’LL SAIL YE OUT TO INTERNATIONAL WATERS WHERE ANYTHING GOES! INTERESTED PARTIES CAN MEET COCK-EYED BILL AT PIER 31. BRING YE OWN PARROT, YE SCALLYWAG!
ARE YOU READY FOR THE COMING OF THE GIANT ANTS? (Ant shown at actual size)
HAT MODELS NEEDED
IMMEDIATE NEED FOR OVER 60 HAT MODELS OF VARYING HEAD WIDTH.
CALL 614-555-6350
CAT FOOD TASTE-TESTER
SERVICES
They’re coming to strip the flesh off of your baby sister!
ONLY THOSE WITH PRIOR EXPERIENCE NEED APPLY.
FINE PRINT EDITOR
I have over 45 years experience writing and editing fine print for legal documents, advertisements, and peace treaties. If there’s one thing you remember, it’s that Herman Guillermo is a name you can count on for the finest fine print around! View my online portfolio at: www.ivewastedmylifeforever.com
PIRATE LESSONS
PRIMATE DIAPER ASSISTANT
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A CHALLENGING NEW CAREER FILLED WITH DANGER AND FECES? CENTRAL OHIO ZOO AND THEME PARK HAS AN IMMEDIATE NEED FOR A SAVVY AND NIMBLE YOUNG PERSON WHO IS ABLE TO CHANGE AN ANGRY CHIMP’S DIAPER IN LESS THAN 3 MINUTES. PAYS MINIMUM WAGE BUT PERKS INCLUDE WORKING WITH ANIMALS STRONGER THAN YOU! INTERESTED CANDIDATES ARE INVITED TO CALL RHONDA AT (740) 555-2411
Stock Art Estates
We use licensed stock art to hide the horrors that await you here!
LOST & FOUND
NOW HIRING AT ALL LOCATIONS!
543 Weasel Hollow Rd., Hilliard, OH (no phone number)
GUSTAV “MAN-MEAT” LONGACRE Pleasing Women Since 1986 Pleasing Men Since 1981
pete the EXTERMINATOR CALL (614) 555-POISON
1-888-645-MANMEAT
J A C K T H E R I P P E R ’ S J O B I N T E RV I E W
GHOST PENGUIN
COMICS YOU MAY NOT HATE 12
THIS IS A WAY BETTER OPTION FOR SPENDING MY MONEY THAN BUYING MY CAT’S EAR MEDICATION!
Hey, guys and gals. Let me get serious for a moment. If you enjoy getting your humor like your forefathers did, in an old-fashioned newspaper, please consider getting a subscription to The Columbus Clump. Not only will you get a copy of Columbus’s best underground humor publication every 3 months, you’ll also be helping a local creator make cool shit.
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ARGH! GERMS!
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