Clump 2

TS UL Y! AD L ON

FALL 2016

COLUMBUS’S ONLY HUMOR RAG, THUS MAKING IT COLUMBUS’S BEST HUMOR RAG!

A HARROWING FIRST HAND ACCOUNT OF THE LATEST THING STUPID YOUNG PEOPLE DO

INSIDE ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR!

WHERE DID MY HORSE’S WEINER GO?

THE FACE OF GOD!

YOUR CHILDREN WILL LEARN TO LOVE THEM! lntroducing the newest and hippest snack to ever be wrapped up and shoved into a plastic tube. Lunch Meat Pushables are molded from 100% Grade E meat seasoned to perfection and infused with corn syrup to give it the extra flavor boost your kids can’t live without!

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MELISSA GRUMBLES IS A WOMAN WITH A CHAINSAW!

MELISSA IS HERE FOR ALL YOUR CHAINSAWING NEEDS: • Cutting Down Pesky Trees • Posing as a Halloween Haunted House Extra • Slicing Large Amounts of Cheese

• Fending Off Un-Chainsaw Armed Ninjas • Amputating Unwanted Limbs • Demolition of Wooden Structures

CALL NOW TO RECEIVE YOUR FREE SAWING ESTIMATE AT (614) 555-SAWW

THE COLUMBUS

WE ASK OUR LOVABLE STAFF

CLUMP #2 WHEN WILL THE NEWSPAPER PUBLISHER

Hermie Lobeanotimé ADVERTISING DIRECTOR

Phylis Facetone

INDUSTRY FINALLY DIE?

SPELL CHECKER

Buster the Wonder Beagle JANITOR

Your Mom CONTACT US

(BUT DON’T EXPECT US TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOU, YOU DIRTY PEASANT)

ColumbusClump@gmail.com ColumbusClump.tumblr.com The Columbus Clump is published and distributed by a sad quartet of elderly women whom nobody visits anymore.

They’re just trying to entertain the young men so they’ll give them some attention (sexy attention)! All content contained within this publication is for humor purposes only. Nothing is real or meant to be taken seriously. Apologies to Mr. Timothy Burton and Bob Ross (R.I.P.). The Columbus Clump is printed quarterly (4 times a year), accepts zero paid advertising, and makes zero profit.

MULLETTURTLE .STORENVY.COM

REJECTED CATCH PHRASES FOR THE COLUMBUS CLUMP Correct Spelling and Grammar Don’t Live Her! More Character Development than a Michael Bay Movie!

ROBERTA FEAR

ALFONSO

ANDREA THROBBERT

EDITOR-AT-LARGE AND IN-CHARGE

CIRCULATION MANAGER/DEAD FISH

SELF-PROCLAIMED MARKETING EXPERT

July 22, 2025 - I saw it in an apocalyptic dream filled with fire and demons and robots.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Sadly, Alfonso died last week. If any of you know another qualified fish for the open position, please contact us immediately.

Newspapers will never die out. I may have to re-brand them as blankets for the homeless, but they’ll never die out.

MASKED MEAT MARAUDER

MADISON BRINKLEY SOCIAL MEDIA BRAT

GRIZZLED, NEAR-RETIREMENT JOURNALIST

When all the failed corporations lose interest, newspapers will rise from the ashes like a glorious phoenix made of cheap paper!

Newspapers? They died back in 2002.

Get with the times, grandpa!

I don’t care so long as they keep me around until I can make it to the age Social Security kicks in.

MEAT STEALING ADVICE COLUMNIST

BETHANY FLUORIDE

IRRITABLE GRAPHIC DESIGNER/ PROBABLY HAS A SENSITIVITY TO GLUTEN I think our advertisers think it’s already dead.

SAL FEEGODDA

CODY WHIPLINE

SHARK LIPS

EDITOR’S NOTE: Cody also unfortunately died last week. Authorities are still investigating but we think Alfonso and Cody had a secret suicide pact.

I’ve only been in the newspaper business for 6 months and I can already tell it’s a total dead end.

DEAD ADVERTISING SALES WHORE

PITY INTERN

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COOL PEOPLE DOING COOL THINGS

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Glory unto the holiest of fruits, the one true savior of man that, once unpeeled, will bathe all of us in everlasting peace and serenity!

Come worship the Great Banana with us and feel her ever present warmth!

Every Sunday 11:00am - Noon All you can eat banana brunch served immediately following service

WE AREN’T SURE WHAT THEY ARE BUT WE’VE GOT A WHOLE BOX OF THEM!

rea author Susanne Frink is best known as the creator of the mega popular young adult novel series, The Freight Train Orphans. Now, after 15 years and over 25 books, she has decided to end the story of Francis, Penelope, Sandy, and Little Joe in their final adventure entitled “The Case of the Syringe Wielding Hobo.” Will these mystery solving teenagers finally be adopted by the loving parents they desire. Or will they be forced to ride the rails forever?

So Susanne, I’m sure your millions of fans are sad to see the “Freight Train Orphans” series come to an end. Why are you stepping away from such popular characters?

I hate children.

Uh... Excuse me?

I hate children. They disgust me. Writing stories about adventurous youths makes me physically ill with a soul-sucking nausea that only straight whiskey can alleviate.

Okay... Right. So are there any spoilers you can divulge about the fate of the Freight Train Orphans?

Fuck em. (She grunts and downs a shot of Wild Turkey.)

Does the series end on a happy note?

Does the Syringe Wielding Hobo turn out to be a multi-millionaire and they all live happily ever after in his posh mansion?

Fuck no! The Syringe Wielding Hobo turns out to be a maniac who eats rotting raccoon carcasses killed by the various trains he hitches rides on. I

spend over 100 pages detailing how he stabs each orphan to death with his arsenal of dirty syringes.

He also keeps a small doll made of the hair and dried intestines of his victims that he worships as a God. It’s really screwed up.

GASP! Even Little Joe dies?

Little Joe escapes.

Whew! Thank god! I don’t know what I’d do if Little Joe died!

Oh no... Little Joe still dies. It just takes a couple of years for the Hepatitis C he contracts from all the diseased needle pricks to overcome his immune system.

At least tell me that Penelope and Danny, the enigmatic kid with the patchy mustache who rides a cool dirt bike, finally hook up.

Nope. They both die as the whiny virgins they are from, you guessed it, multiple syringe stabbings.

YOU’RE A MONSTER! If you aren’t going to buy me any more shots of sweet, sweet whiskey, then you can fuck off! n

ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR

COLUMBUS’S MOST DISTURBING SIGNAGE Columbus is a city that is known for many things including its vast array of world-class signage. While most of our signage is encouraging, uplifting, and instructional, there is a small percentage that is just plain warped. These are those signs.

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DID YOU KNOW 85% OF ALL PRINT AND TELEVISION ADVERTISEMENTS IN AMERICA ARE FOR ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION MEDICATION? That’s a lot of dollars going to the hard working Americans that run our TV stations and newspapers. Sadly, there are those who want to take those dollars away. They want those hardworking American families to starve and live in the streets.

That’s right, I’m talking about the anti-family legislation on the ballot this fall: Proposition 33-J. This un-American proposal would outlaw all advertising for E.D. medication in Ohio.

VOTE NO ON PROPOSITION 33-J

DO IT FOR YOUR PENIS... DO IT FOR THE ECONOMY. Brought to you by the Old Limp Man Association of America

SAD ENTERTAINMENT STORIES

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NETFLIX ANNOUNCES IT WILL STREAM LOST EPISODE OF BOB ROSS’S JOY OF PAINTING

Bob Ross is known as one of the greatest artists of the 20th century as well as the star of his classic PBS show “The Joy of Painting.” He soon may be known for a lot more according to Netflix spokesman Niles Whottawater. Whottawater dropped a bombshell yesterday that may damage Ross’s squeaky clean image forever.

“Rumors of a lost episode of The Joy of Painting have circulated for years,” Whottawater told me under the condition of anonymity. “It took a pretty penny to get this footage from Bob Ross’s former cameraman, but Netflix don’t care. We’ve got money to burn! It’s caviar and hookers everyday over here, baby!”

Thanks to a 15 minute french kissing session in a Wendy’s parking lot, Whottawater agreed to give me a sneak peak of the controversial episode, which I immediately bootlegged with my smartphone.

Since this is a crappy newspaper that has no way to connect to the internet, please enjoy these screen grabs with the dialogue transcribed underneath.

“Gently, gently blend all the colors together.

Nice and easy… Now at this stage of the painting, it’s not a bad idea to huff some paint thinner.”

“I always keep a rag soaked in the beautiful elixir beside my easel. Getting high is a great way to see the little critters laughing and playing in your painting.”

“It’ll help you see other things too. Like one night when I left the television studio high as a kite, I ran down a jogger with my car because I thought he was a rainbow monster.”

“He radiated Phthalo Green, Van Dyke Brown, Cadmium Yellow, Dark Sienna, Sap Green, some sort of fancy red… All the colors…”

“His lifeless corpse reminded me of the people I killed in Vietnam. I smeared some of his blood on my cheeks and just burst out laughing for no reason.”

“And do you know what I did with his dead body? I hid it behind a happy little tree and hoped coyotes would eat it.”

TIM BURTON TO FORM WELL ARMED MILITIA

You may know Tim Burton as the director of many lackluster films such as Big Fish, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Dark Shadows. What you may not realize is that this former A-list movie-maker is fed up with our country’s out of control liberal agenda. At a packed press conference earlier this week, Mr. Burton laid out his plans to uphold the Constitution of the United States of America.

“I am sick and tired of these liberal asshats making a mockery of the wishes of our country’s revered forefathers!” Burton barked to the assembled crowd. “It’ll be a cold day in hell before these motherfuckers take my guns away from me!”

“God damn right!” Danny Elfman, Burton’s frequent collaborator and former Oingo Boingo frontman, shouted from his position just off stage.

Burton shot him a “don’t speak unless you’re spoken to you fucking musician” glance and then continued with his diatribe.

“The 2nd Amendment was written for a very specific reason: To prevent the Federal government from degenerating into tyranny. That is why I will be doing my part to restore freedom to this great land by forming my own militia. Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, and Michael Keaton are already chilling in my mansion, eating nachos, and practicing throwing grenades at each other.”

Just like in his films, Burton continued his colorful rant for a good 45 minutes longer than he should have. The entire proceeding concluded abruptly when both Burton and Danny Elfman began firing their AR-15s wildly into the air.

Besides the aforementioned Depp, Carter, and Keaton, it is unknown if any other celebrities have joined Burton’s rag-tag bunch of survivalists. One thing is for certain, though. This seems to be a much better use of their time instead of making shitty movies. n

DON’T TREAD ON ME Burton’s symbol of his fanatical militia is a modified take on the traditional “Don’t Tread On Me” flag. He has replaced the rattlesnake with a sandworm from his 1980s move Beetlejuice. Clever, huh?

OBVIOUSLY FAKE NEWS

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COLUMBUS MUSEUM OF ART AND COLUMBUS METRO LIBRARY ENGAGE IN EPIC TWITTER FEUD

A social media battle for the ages took place last Friday that pitted two Columbus heavyweights against each other. Both the Columbus Museum of Art and the Columbus Metropolitan Library duked it out via Twitter over whose renovations were better. As you may know, the art museum recently completed a $37.6 million addition late last year while the downtown library just finished a $35 million makeover in June.

The titanic struggle for dominance began with this snarky tweet from @realcolumbusartmuseum.

Real Columbus Art Museum @realcolumbusartmuseum Hey @columbuslibraryrulez Where’d all your books go? Noticed the whole first floor is now devoid of them. #TooMuchOpenSpace? #AllTheNaturalLightBurns!

Columbus Library System @columbuslibraryrulez I don’t know. How much did that puke green fake ass patina on your addition cost @realcolumbusartmuseum You could have used that money to buy some NEW art! #Don’tStartWhatYouCan’tWin #OnlyLosersFakePatina Real Columbus Art Museum @realcolumbusartmuseum Not sure what you’re talking about @columbuslibraryrulez We have TONS of new art over here. Are you getting drunk on brake fluid with all the homeless people that mill around your building again? #LayOffTheHooch #FreeBathroomsForTheHomeless #BrakeFluidShakes Columbus Library System @columbuslibraryrulez Dude - the only piece you have of any worth is that same old Edward Hopper painting you constantly trot out. What’s it called? “Sad Woman Gazing Out Window Because She Wishes She Wasn’t Illiterate?”

Real Columbus Art Museum @realcolumbusartmuseum Does anybody even read books anymore? It must hurt to have the entire librarian profession wiped out by the internet. #BurnOnYou #FeelTheBern #LibrariansAreStillHotTho

The exchange continued back and forth for the next 45 minutes and then it got nasty.

Columbus Library System @columbuslibraryrulez How many more donors do we have than you, bro? Face it art clown Columbus will always be a library town. #CheckTheDonorLists #BooksBetterThanArt #MoMoneyMoBooks Real Columbus Art Museum @realcolumbusartmuseum Are these your “donors?” Is this what happened to all those missing books?

#ConspiracyTheoriesAreReal #DrinkBleachAndDie #YouAreAGiantAsshole Columbus Library System @columbuslibraryrulez Delete your account. #Winning

The Columbus Police Force is in the process of investigating the online spat. If they feel it is warranted, the Twitter admin for The Columbus Art Museum may face a first degree charge of cyber bullying. n

DUDE TOTALLY GOT RABIES FROM PLAYING POKÉMON GO

Rumors are flying rampantly around High Street that a student of The Ohio State University has contracted the rabies virus from a maverick Pokémon. I have on good authority from my best friend’s wife that she totally heard from her cousin’s baby daddy’s nephew that an unnamed male was rushed to OSU Medical Center late last night. Staff there were unavailable for comment on the situation, but a licensed physician, Dr. Lazarus Zug, was able to expand on just how severe rabies is.

“Rabies is, like, hella bad. Symptoms include foaming at the mouth, licking people’s eyes for no reason, and generally just having a real bummer of a time.”

Dr. Zug then proceeded to offer me a joint.

After I explained to him recreational marijuana was still illegal in the state of Ohio, he exclaimed, “What the fuck? I thought that law passed!

Damn… Where have I been?”

Despite the fact that I don’t know any sober doctors in the city of Columbus, the situation is being taken seriously by local officials. Animal Control Officer Marla Barker, head of Columbus’s elite Pokémon Response Unit, feels they’re hot on the heels of the rogue pocket monster.

“We had a sighting earlier this afternoon,” Barker gruffly deadpanned at an impromptu press conference. “It came at a couple of students, but they were able to expertly fend it off with a Charmander. Based on their descriptions, I think we’re dealing with a nasty little Squirtle.

I cannot confirm or deny that it has rabies.

Foaming at the mouth does not necessarily mean it’s rabid. Squirtles are known to have severe drooling problems.”

When asked how many people it has to attack before evolving into a full fledged Blastoise, Barker was at a loss. After taking a minute to compose herself, she responded “God help us, I hope it doesn’t come to that.” n

SHOVE IT IN YOUR FACE AND CHEW

JENI’S ICE CREAM UNVEILS NEW FLAVORS FOR THE FALL HOLIDAYS

Columbus’s favorite frozen treat, Jeni’s Ice Cream, has announced it will be offering three new seasonal flavors this fall. These exciting sensations are only available for a limited time, so you better ready your taste buds, take your lactose intolerance pills that prevent you from shitting yourself, and dig in!

1. SAGE AND ROASTED MAIZE Nothing says it’s autumn more than sage, am I right? Maize (that’s Indian for corn, not one of the colors from that team up north) roasted over simmering coals in a Native American sweat lodge act as a garnish for this savory dessert.

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2. STRAWBERRY GOURD SORBET Semi-antibiotic free strawberries infused with gourds grown in the secret mystical ways of Navajo medicine men? Where do I sign up? You’ll lick your tiny styrofoam bowl clean as soon as your tongue touches this refreshing indulgence.

3. FROZEN MASHED POTATOES The Jeni’s R and D department has worked tirelessly for years and is finally ready to debut their first dairy free ice cream.

Mashed by barefoot Peruvian children in Jeni’s migrant worker barracks/summer camp, this creamy delight is made of 100% organic potatoes and guaranteed 87% listeria free.

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JOSH TURD TO OPEN RESTAURANT IN COLUMBUS Pop star and Columbus native Josh Turd is known for many things. Whether it be his controversial hit single, “Slap That Slimy Groin,” his vow to put ecstasy in the water fountains of every public school, or his myriad of homophobic tattoos, the embattled Turd is hoping to make some positive headlines for a change in the Capital City.

“Mr. Turd plans to open a new restaurant in the Short North,” the singer/songwriter’s publicist, Vanessa Kwan, announced last Thursday. “He loves Columbus a lot. In fact, one time he even told me that Columbus is the only place in North America he feels mildly tolerated.”

As many of you know, Josh Turd has been permanently banned from Canada after wiping his butt with their national flag during one of his concerts.

“Mr. Turd would like to reiterate how proud he is of the incident. He routinely brags that the YouTube clip of the event has been viewed over 500 million times,” Miss Kwan assured the group of assembled reporters.”It still amazes me that central Ohio is the only place in the world that has neither seen the footage nor cares that it happened.”

While the menu and chef are still to be decided, Vanessa was able to confirm the name of the new restaurant.

“He has decided to name it ‘Turd à la Mode.’ I tried my best to persuade him to use one of the other names his marketing team came up with, but it was no use. There’s no getting through to him when he goes on one of his “whip-it” binges.” n

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SOME LAME RANDOM COMICS 7

BULLSHIT COVER STORY

8

It’s a humid September night and I find myself tromping through the gritty back streets of Dublin, Ohio. Most know it as an affluent neighborhood with a great school system located in northwest Columbus. I’m getting a firsthand view of the real Dublin. A splatter of blood on the sidewalk reminds me why I’m out past my bedtime. These graffiti covered alleys and trash strewn gutters have become a haven for knife fighting youths.

I

take a deep breath and get a lung-full of the moist air as I continue to follow my teenage guides. My mind drifts back to a decade earlier when I was a young journalist fresh out of college. The editor at the prestigious magazine I worked at told me I didn’t have the mental fortitude to handle an embedded combat assignment in Afghanistan. I picture the bald asshole’s smug grin and think silently to myself “Look at me now, fuck face. I am finally in the Shit.”

The guys I’m with are technically boys, but they carry themselves with the confidence of warriors. None of them will tell me their real names, preferring to go by their gang names. The leader is Peach Fuzz. True to his alias, his face is mostly shrouded in tiny blonde hairs. If I were to guess, he’s probably just old enough to get his learner’s permit. He should be worried about finishing his algebra homework and taking a date to the football game on Friday night. Instead he’s leading his gang, The Privileged Demon Bats, through the sticky heat with one goal in mind: Prove they’re the best around with a blade.

His mates flank us on either side. To my left are Irish Billy and Winks. On the right are Whisper Cut and Nipples.

They’re all on edge, which makes me on edge. They tell me we’re near the territory of their principal rivals, The Cycloptic Hellions. An all-out turf war may erupt at any time. I doubt any attacking gang would notice my press badge in the darkness. The fact I may become another casualty on the mean streets of Dublin makes me pee myself a little.

A stray cat bolts from an overturned garbage can, causing the guys to immediately whip out their knives. Irish Billy stabs and slashes in the darkness at an invisible enemy, while Winks and Nipples mistake each other for Hellions. Peach Fuzz separates the two before they are able to

impale each other. The cat is over a block away by the time they realize there is no eminent danger. Whisper Cut, the comic of the group, chuckles to himself at their mistake. The brief levity relaxes his comrades enough that they sheath their weapons and take the opportunity for a much needed break in their patrol. My drooping eyes signal me that I’d be wise to try and pound an energy drink to stay alert. It’s hard to admit, but I’ve lost my ability to stay awake past 11:45 ever since I hit my thirties.

“Hey dude, can I get a swig of that?” Peach Fuzz asks. I hand him the half-filled can of caffeine goodness. The young man takes a long drink. A dim street light shines just bright enough to illuminate a long, gnarled scar on his cheek.

“You know, we used to just be called ‘The Demon Bats,’ but we found out a couple of the guys’ parents made less than $125K a year,” he explains to me. “We splintered off from them and renamed ourselves The Privileged Demon Bats.”

Nobody is really sure just how many knife fighting gangs call Dublin their home these days. Alliances and rosters seem to shift daily, making exact statistics sketchy. In addition to The Privileged Demon Bats, The Cycloptic Hellions, and The Middle-Class Demon Bats, other infamous gangs include The Pickled Brain Hogs, The Stained Adolescents, The Cut Throat Simons, The Starlight Clan, The Porn Stash Hooligans, The Baggy Pants Boys, and The Phony Smiles.

Columbus City Police estimate that there are at least 150 active teenage knife fighters concentrated in the Dublin area alone. That doesn’t sound like a lot, but the numbers are growing which is a concern for city leaders. Former mayor of Columbus, Michael B. Coleman, has even been tapped to head a new public initiative entitled “Stop the Stabbing.” It’s an effort to wean kids off a lifestyle of violence and get them into more STEM classes. I ask Peach Fuzz’s crew if it sounds like something that would interest them more than engaging

YEAH - IT TAKES 2 PAGES in epic knife battles. Their responses were less than positive.

“Fuck that noise!” Winks tells me.

“It’s like, this is what makes me feel alive, you know? I just can’t park my ass in front of a screen and play Minecraft for 16 hours straight like I could when I was 13, you know.”

Nipples concurs. “I’ve already been accepted to Capital University since my dad is on their board of directors. He wants me to be a lawyer, so I figure this is a good way of preparing myself for that kind of future.”

“Want to see something cool?”

Peach Fuzz interrupts. He lifts up the bottom of his polo shirt to reveal a recent war wound he’s received. “I got that beauty a couple nights ago in a fight with One-Eyed Diablo. He’s the leader of The Cycloptic Hellions,” he says proudly. “I stitched it up myself.”

A couple of his cronies amble over and enviously caress the laceration.

“You’re so lucky!” Whisper Cut tells him. “That’s going to look so badass in a couple of weeks. YOLO, motherfucker… YOLO.” “So what kind of knives do you carry?” I ask to try and casually steer the conversation away from the glorification of gory injuries. “I assume they’re switchblades, right?”

“Switchblades? Those are illegal!

What kind of gang do you think I’m running here, reporter man?” Peach Fuzz snaps at me.

“Yeah, do you think I’m going to put my trust fund in danger by going to a juvenile detention center?” Irish Billy adds. “Here. Take a look at my steel.”

He unsheathes his knife and hands it to me to examine for myself. To my surprise, it’s just an ordinary kitchen fillet knife.

“Yep,” he confirms. “I stole it right out of the silverware drawer. My parents have so many, they’ll never miss it.”

“So all of your knives are stolen from your parents’ kitchens?” I try and clarify.

All the boys, except Nipples, stare awkwardly down at their feet.

“Not me!” he says. “My aunt gave me a Swiss Army knife for my birthday.”

A cadre of shadowy teenage bodies emerges from the darkness.

Two more silently creep up behind us.

The streetlight is just bright enough to glint off of their sinister knives.

“Cycloptic Hellions!” Peach Fuzz hisses. “Formation Zeta!” he shouts.

The Privileged Demon Bats quickly execute the planned maneuver and

scoot themselves back to back in a tight circle. One defiant Hellion, a boy who couldn’t be much older than 13, approaches us from the murky gloom. An eye patch etched with an image of a skull and crossbones in blue ballpoint ink covers his right eye.

“Who’s the old guy?” he snarls, pointing at me with his weapon, a serrated steak knife.

“Umm… I’m a journalist just writing a story here. No need to kill me,” I fumble.

“Shut the fuck up you millennial douchebag! These streets belong to a new generation!”

“Well technically, I was born at the very beginning of what’s considered the millennial generation, so I don’t really identify with them.”

The boy comes at me like a wild spider monkey on meth. He slashes at my torso, nicking my upper pectoral.

I barely dodge the psycho’s follow up thrust of his blade.

“Cut it out, Diablo. Leave the millennial out of this,” Peach Fuzz yells. “You’re just pissed because he’s doing a story on us and not you!”

“You seriously think people read stories on paper anymore? You’re a bigger dumb ass than I thought, Fuzz Nuts! I tell you what… Why don’t we give the old guy a good ending to his shitty story, that way even your elderly grandma can read about how I fucked you up!”

I see Peach Fuzz gingerly finger the outline of his gut wound through the fabric of his shirt. He tries to hide it, but a glimpse of uncertainty and fear flash in his eyes. His foe capitalizes on the gang leader’s weakness.

“I bet it burns, eh, you Demon Bat pussy. It was so easy to slice you up.

This time I won’t go easy on you. This time I’m cutting off your nads!”

Shit gets wild after that… Way wilder than anything I would have experienced if I had gone to Afghanistan. I’m not sure who stabbed who first. When I look over, I see Peach Fuzz crumpled in pain on the black top. One-Eyed Diablo grins over top of him like a triumphant madman. Upon seeing their alpha down, the other Demon Bats charge the Hellions. I run away like a bitch.

Blinded by the terror of getting stabbed to death by a boy, it isn’t long before I become helplessly lost in the tangle of Dublin’s subdivision neighborhoods and organic market parking lots. I spend a good hour trying to pick my way through the suburban jungle and locate where I parked my 2008 Honda Accord.

Even though it has airbags that could

possibly launch metal shrapnel at my face, it’s the only place in this god forsaken town where I can feel safe.

I’m about to surrender to my fate and risk calling an Uber when I hear some slight moans coming from a well landscaped corporate lawn.

It’s Whisper Cut. He’s bleeding badly from multiple lacerations all over his arms, but he’s conscious and eating a Snickers bar. With his navigation aid, we manage to make it back to my Accord, which now has “Hellions Forever” spray painted on the side. After placing a beach towel on the passenger seat so he doesn’t ooze blood all over my upholstery, I compose myself long enough to get Whisper Cut to the nearest hospital.

It’s funny what being scared of dying will do to a soul. Whisper Cut tells me a lot of things a 15 year old should never tell a grown man on that 10 minute car ride. A lot of disgusting, unforgivably deviant things…

“YOLO, motherfucker!” I holler as I boot him out of the door in front of the hospital entrance, glad to be rid of him and my last tie to this shitty suburb. I catch him staring back at me in my rear view mirror as I screech my Japanese vehicle away.

His sad, bewildered face of lost innocence will haunt me forever.

Whisper Cut’s mom later calls and blames me for almost getting her son killed. She doesn’t want to hear my side of the story.

As a journalist, I need to have enough integrity to not interfere with the subjects of my articles. Plus, I also tell her that she’s a bad mother for allowing her son to stab other kids with her kitchen knives. She threatens to sue me. I threaten to send her a bill to get all of her brood’s blood stains dry-cleaned out of my best towel. As for Peach Fuzz and the other Privileged Demon Bats, it seems they’ll go down as yet more faceless statistics in Dublin’s growing knife fighting epidemic.

Since my experience of running for my life, I’ve bought a handgun for protection. Yep… I hate to be that guy, but if those asshole kids ever come at me again, I’ll be the old millennial bringing a gun to a knife fight. n

9

THIS IS A KNIFE FIGHTER’S WEAPON OF CHOICE According to former mayor Michael B. Coleman, the Kitchen Kutter Model 25-B is the most popular knife used by Dublin gang members. Known on the streets as “The Liver Penetrator,” this knife is not only deadly, but also widely available thanks to a sale at Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Here is Coleman in his own words: “It’s well balanced, made of stainless steel, holds a great edge, and is the most reliable knife I’ve ever handled. When I was a point guard in the NBA, I made sure everyone in my posse carried one of these bad mama jamas. It’s gotten us out of plenty of scrapes.”

“I remember one night we were partying in a strip club after a playoff game against the Celtics when Larry Bird’s crew walked in. He probably had a dozen big corn-fed farm boys with him. It wasn’t long before we both got to shit talking and, in the heat of the moment, I sliced off Bird’s right ear. I tell you, the 25-B handled superbly.

It cut through his cartilage as smooth as warm butter.

It was amazing!

That white boy went and dropped 45 points on us the next night.”

MADE UP MOVIE REVIEWS

10

ASK THE MASKED MEAT MARAUDER

WHERE DID MY HORSE’S WEINER GO?

Based on the best-selling farm-noir novel of the same name, Where Did My Horse’s Weiner Go features an all-star cast and has already generated a ton of award buzz before its full theatrical release next Friday.

On one fateful morning, Rancher David McBland (played by Liam Neeson) discovers to his shock that the member of his prized stallion (played by Matt Damon) has gone missing. Can McBland navigate the dark underground world of dismembered horse phalluses and survive? If he ever wants to get his

FEMALE FUN NIGHT

horse’s wiener back, he’ll have to play a dangerous game of cat and mouse with a sadistic Chinese businessman (played brilliantly by George Clooney in yellow-face). Fans of the novel can rest assured that this riveting thriller lives up to the hype!

5 THUMBS UP AND 2 CAT HEADS!

PG-13 • 109 min

Female Fun Night became infamous during its production when the cast and crew unanimously declared the movie “cursed.” First, an assistant producer died in a tragic yoga pants accident. Soon thereafter, filming had to be suspended when star Kristen Wigg was stung multiple times in the face by a hive of angry hornets. Despite these setbacks, Female Fun Night has finally hit theaters and I’m sure you won’t be disappointed in this gyno-buddy comedy.

Kristen Wigg stars as Natalie Berber, a button down office drone who’s forgotten what it’s like to cut loose and have a good time. Enter new co-worker Fuchsia Duncan, played by the dynamic Rebel Wilson. One night when Natalie thinks she’s lost everything, Fuchsia drags her off for an anything goes drinking binge.

Non-stop laughs ensue as the two women find themselves in an absurd adventure involving seedy tattoo parlors, misunderstood pimps, a frat party dare, copious amounts of mood altering drugs, a lawn gnome that comes to life, and a lot of bra jokes. You certainly don’t want to miss the cameo by Zach Galifianakis as the wise male stripper with a heart of gold and a wadded up sock in his jockey shorts.

Female Fun Night is sure to become an instant comedy classic. The dialogue is fresh and witty all while maintaining a touching message about the meaning of friendship. Even the CGI effects that masked Wigg’s swollen and hornet scarred face were well done.

2 THUMBS UP AND 6 CAT HEADS!

THE MASKED MEAT MARAUDER IS COLUMBUS’S ONLY EXPERT IN STEALING MEAT AND SOLVING RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS! Dear Mr. Marauder, One fateful day, I “accidentally” found that my boyfriend had left his Facebook account open on the laptop he leaves in his bedroom. After picking the lock to his room, figuring out the password to his computer (only took 895 tries!), and correctly guessing his Facebook password (only took 556 tries!), I spent hours reading through all of his messages. Much to my shock, I found out he has been messaging his ex-girlfriend Courtney! Among other things, he told Courtney that I don’t trust him or respect his privacy. Do you believe that? And she told him that if it bothers him so much, he should talk to me about it. The nerve of that bitch! Who is she to give us advice about our relationship? I only want to hear suggestions from a ski masked relationship savant, like you!

Also, I’m a vegan and think that meat is really gross, so please don’t tell me to do anything involving meat or meat stealing. Thanks!

- I like to Spy in Franklenton Well Spy, giving meat-stealing based solutions to relationship problems is pretty much my thing, so you’re leaving me at a loss. I don’t know… You seem pretty crazy and it is quite possible you’re suffering from a severe protein deficiency. As a certified therapist and medical professional, I suggest you restore your defective brain chemistry by eating a nice brisket or leg of lamb.

classifieds REAL ESTATE BE THE LIFE OF THE HOUSE PARTY! This former frat house that was once busted for giving alcohol to minors features a fully renovated kitchen, 2.5 bathrooms, and TONS of character. If you love hardwood floors, lots of leftover empty kegs, and vomit stains all over the walls, this is the place for you! Comes with a cow whole lives upstairs because nobody knew cows can only go up steps, not down.

KRAG REALTY 614-555-3333

WELCOME TO THE HOUSE THAT IS 65% OF EVERYTHING YOU WANT! JUST GIVE UP. THIS IS THE HOUSE YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO SETTLE FOR. $178,500 AND THE KEYS ARE YOURS!

FOR SALE

PETS FOR SALE

CIGARETTE LIGHTER

WEINER DOGS FOR SALE

Once rumored to of belonged to Andre the Giant. $600. 614-555-0412

ROUGHLY HEWN LUMBER

SPECIALLY DESIGNED DOGS BRED FOR OPTIMAL WIENER-NESS! CUTE COSTUMES ARE EXTRA. CALL FRED AT 614-555-2303

SOME PEOPLE LIKE IT ROUGH. DO YOU? CALL SEXUAL MIKE AT (714) 555-8811

MOST DELICIOUS HOT DOG IN THE WORLD! One of a kind food item for sale –Finely aged hot dog imported from Balkins, the birth place of hot dogs. Asking $5,000. Bun and mustard extra. ****ONLY CONTAINS 10% REAL DOG****

DEAD RAT

HEY - IT’S ME AGAIN, THE WOMAN WITH THE DEAD RAT. IT COULD ALSO BE USED AS A REALLY LOW MAINTENANCE PET FOR YOUR KIDS CALL SUSANNE AT 614-555-2010

THREATS RANDYI SAID WHOLE MILK. WHOLE YOU WILL PAY!

DEAD RAT

THAT’S RIGHT - IT’S TIME FOR ME TO GET OUT OF THE “VILLAGE” BUSINESS AND MOVE ON TO OTHER INTERESTS. I’M SELLING ALL OF GERMAN VILLAGE IN ONE LUMP SUM FOR $4,550,000,000.

THAT’S A SAVINGS OF OVER $32,000,000!

CALL OLD MAN EDDIE GERMAN AT (614) 555-5041

GREAT FUN TO BE HAD WITH LIFELESS CORPSE OF RAT FOUND IN MY GARAGE. BODY STILL LARGELY INTACT. USE TO PULL PRANKS AT THE OFFICE OR REALLY FREAK OUT YOUR KIDS. COULD ALSO SLIP INTO YOUR ROAST BEEF SANDWICH AND TRICK ARBY’S INTO GIVING YOU FREE FOOD. NO LIMIT TO THE FUN! ASKING $10 BUT WILLING TO NEGOTIATE. CALL SUSANNE AT 614-555-2010

PARANORMAL PARADISE!

FRAMED PHOTOS OF DEAD PEOPLE

INTERESTED PARTIES ONLY!

This 3 BR, 1 BA Ranch Home features an attached garage, in-ground pool, exquisite landscaping, and a little girl ghost who died on the property in 1986. $144,600. Contact Remie Harbaugh ONE REALLY NICE PROPERTY Fixer-upper full of promise. The foundation is good, flooding in the basement has been wrangled under control and comes with tons of Vietnam War memorabilia left behind by the previous owner.

RENTAL LIVING HEY OSU STUDENTS Tired of your crappy roommate already?

Well, we have a free couch open

I DON’T KNOW WHO THEY WERE. I SWEAR I DIDN’T KILL THEM. PERFECT FOR THOSE WHO LIKE TO PRETEND THEY HAVE A FAMILY WHO LOVES THEM. MANY TO CHOOSE FROM. FRAMES IN LESS THAN MINT CONDITION. GO TO WWW.FRAMEDPHOTOSOFDEADPEOPLE.NET

- YOUR WIFE

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO, MICHAEL..

FIDEL CASTRO MUST DIE BEFORE NEXT SUNDAY OR YOU’LL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY AGAIN. JUST DO IT, MICHAEL. BE A MAN. - MYSTERIOUS SHADOW ELEMENTS OF THE CIA DEAR SAMANTHA, YOU THINK YOU’RE SO COOL EVER SINCE YOU BOUGHT THAT JACKHAMMER, BUT YOU’RE NOT. STOP CRACKING UP MY SIDEWALK OR YOU’LL BE SORRY! SINCERELY, NATALIE G.

HOME-MADE ANTI-CONSTIPATION PILLS MADE WITH PURE FIBER TO GET THOSE POOPS MOVING! (MAY ALSO CONTAIN UP TO 65% FIBERGLASS INSULATION) GO TO HARDCORECONSTIPATIONREMEDYTHATABSOLUTELYWORKS.COM

COUCHES

Come on over and crash on one of our over 300 different couches. You can rent by the hour, the day, or the week! Couches cleaned irregularly. Almost bedbug free! Conveniently located right by campus!

456 Chittenburg Street

GENTLY USED SMOKE DETECTOR

HARDLY BEEN USED SMOKE DETECTOR FOR SALE AT REASONABLE PRICE. HAS SURVIVED 2 HOUSE FIRES. BEEPS A LOT FOR YOUR SAFELY. BATTERY AND ORIGINAL OWNERS MANUAL INCLUDED. CALL MARTY AT (614) 555-4509 MAN-LEOTARD Took a ballet class and couldn’t hook up with any chicks. It has not been laundered. Ready to deal.

CALL HARRY AT 614-555-8801 LEAF BLOWER NOT SUPER BLOWY BUT COMPENSATES FOR IT

BY BEING EXTRA LOUD. ONLY EVER USED ON MY PENIS OUT OF CURIOSITY. TOTALLY NOT WORTH IT. ASKING $65.00.

CALL (740) 555-7120. ASK FOR PETER SCHMIDT. SO MANY ANT TRAPS! WE’RE GOING CRAZY, HERE! $2.00 PER POUND OF ANT TRAPS! YOU CAN’T BEAT THAT - EVEN ON THE ANT TRAP BLACK MARKET! WE’LL MATCH ANY COMPETITOR’S PRICE! WWW.CHEAPESTANTTRAPSINTOWN.COM

PETS FOR SALE HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

PUPPIES!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DISBANDED PUPPY FIGHTING LEAGUE LOOKING FOR A GOOD HOME FOR ITS FORMER CANINE GLADIATORS. THEY ALL ENJOY FETCHING, CUDDLING, AND RIPPING THE ENTRAILS FROM THEIR RIVALS. IF YOU ENJOY BLOODSPORTS, THEN THESE ARE THE PUPPIES FOR YOU! CALL PETRA AT (740) 555-7110

SMUG BARBER NEEDED ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS:

1). DO YOU FEEL THE CALLING TO CUT PEOPLE’S HAIR IS HIGHER THAN BEING A CANCER DOCTOR? 2). DO YOU HAVE A DEEP, BURNING DESIRE TO SLICE A CUSTOMER’S FACE WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS IF THEY BACK SASS YOU?

VEHICLES FOR SALE

3). DO YOU WEAR HIPSTER LOOKING GLASSES AND HAVE A BEARD AT LEAST A FOOT LONG?

HARSHLY USED RV

Outfitted with rusty metal spikes and other MAD MAX inspired decor. It’s time for us to move up to a more “post-apocalyptic” model and you can reap the benefits! Prepare for the coming fall of man and inevitable battle for petrol with this great starter vehicle! Call Nancy at (740) 555-4221

IF YOU ANSWERED “YES” TO ALL THESE QUESTIONS THEN YOU’RE THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB! APPLY IN PERSON AT 3636 WEST NILE VIRUS ROAD

DO YOU BELIEVE DINOSAURS STILL ROAM THE MYSTERIOUS INNER EARTH?

Then don’t bother calling us. You aren’t qualified for the job. All others can apply via: www.dinosuarsdonotroamtheinnerearth.com

BATMAN NEEDED

VAN WITH MATTRESS IN THE BACK It may not look like much, but boy, it was a chick magnet in its prime! Asking $500 AS IS. That means YOU deal with the gross stains.

Call Sexual Mike at (714) 555-8811

THREATS TO WHOMEVER KEEPS STEALING MY LUNCH FROM THE EMPLOYEE REFRIGERATOR

When I find you, you will be sorry.

My contingent of puppy gladiators will tear you limb from limb, you pile of sub-human shit. They know your scent. Your days are numbered!

Dear Josh, I know 4th grade was hard for you, but that was no excuse for you being a douchebag for the entire year. I must admit that I took a lot of glee in failing you. In hindsight, I probably would have passed you had I known the Powers That Be would put you back into my classroom for a second year.

This is your one and only warning. Don’t fuck with me and I won’t fuck with you. That means no bringing in wild raccoons for show and tell, no spitting loogies into my hair, no jumping out the window and running away, and, most importantly, no wiping your homework with your butt and turning it in. My favorite tote bag still smells, you little jerk!

You must admit, Josh, you are the worst kid in the world. That’s why I locked you in the janitor’s mop closet that one afternoon. If you can let bygones be bygones, then we can move forward. If not, I will not hesitate to make your life a living hell. The ball’s in your court.

Sincerely, Mrs. Riffer

C o o k i e s

THERE’S NO REASONING WITH A CRAZY, HALF-STARVED BADGER TRAINED TO ATTACK TRESPASSERS’ GROINS! WILL GUARD RESIDENTIAL OR COMMERCIAL PROPERTIES. *******WARNING******* YOUR LANDSCAPING WILL SUFFER. BADGERS LOVE TO DIG, HIDE, AND LAUNCH AMBUSH ATTACKS. CALL LARGE SUZETTE AT (614) 555-7777

BADGER SECURITY

Will dance for your pleasure but doesn’t like to be touched. Tail comes off easily but will usually grow back within a month. Detached tail could also be cooked up and served as a meal to people you hate (lizard tail tastes terrible). Call 614-555-1111

************ ICE CREAM ************ ACT FAST - CURRENTLY STORED IN A BOWL ON A HOT SIDEWALK. CALL 724-555-3212

HERE AT

UNIVERSITY

EROTIC LIZARD

SERVICES

MILK!

HELP WANTED ALL OF GERMAN VILLAGE FOR SALE

HELP WANTED

AFTER DISASTROUS PERFORMANCES BY VAL KILMER, GEORGE CLOONEY, CHRISTIAN BALE, AND NOW BEN AFFLECK, A MAJOR HOLLYWOOD CASTING COMPANY IS LOOKING FOR AN UNKNOWN TO BECOME TO NEXT CAPPED CRUSADER. CALL “VISIONARY DIRECTOR” ZACK AT (321) 555-0129 I started watching the former ABC show “Lost” and need someone to explain it to me.

Call Pearl Moonpan at 614-555-5030

ANTI-HORNET VIGILANTE

A savage hive of hornets has invaded my front porch and will not leave. They call me hurtful names like “Fat Ham Beast” and “Man Boob McFly.” I also think they are dealing meth and possibly dabbling in human trafficking. After several failed attempts at negotiating with them, I now believe there is no other option but all out war. I need a badass Charles Bronson type or possibly even Serena Williams type that plays by their own set of rules to handle this matter ASAP! Contact Grant “Man-Boobs” McFly at 614-555-6265

COOKIE PRODUCTION LINE WORKER COME JOIN OUR INCREDIBLE TEAM!

Sheryl’s Cookies has immediate openings at our northern Columbus facility. No experience required.

Just an undying need to please your supervisor and these qualifications: • Must not pee in the raw cookie dough • Must be able to withstand having the maddening smell of chocolate chip cookies permanently embedded in your skin.

• Must have all of your fingers • Must be able to discern chocolate chips from rat turds by sight AND taste.

Come to our open hiring event next Monday.

Arrive well hydrated. There will be a piss test.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED The last guy we hired really made a mess of things.

Ugh. Please be better than him.

Call Office Manager Debbie Ja’ Forge at (614) 555-1023 PROFESSIONAL HACKSAW SHARPENER DO YOU HAVE A KEEN EYE AND A STRONG BACK? THEN YOU’RE OUR GUY OR GAL. WE SHARPEN HACKSAW BLADES ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. APPLY IN PERSON AT 4331 MUTT STREET. BRING A SMILE AND A FIRM HANDSHAKE AND WE’LL GET ALONG FINE.

SERVICES JERRY’S SPLIT CLASSES

Jerry Rawkinski is the only Ohioan to ever win an Olympic bronze medal for doing splits. Now, after recovering from multiple groin tears, this allAmerican kid from Upper Arlington is ready to hang up his athletic dreams and teach you the secret to doing a perfect split! $25.00 per lesson. Please bring snakes for everyone. (618) 555-5031

ZIPPING UP PANTS CAN BE HARD TO DO!

HHHHHHHHHHH

BUT NOT FOR MIKE, THE ZIP IT KING!

HHHHHHHHHHH

TATTOO REMOVAL SPECIALIST NO EXPENSIVE LASER BULLSHIT REQUIRED. I’LL SLICE IT OFF SO FINE YOU’LL BARELY EVEN BLEED. FOR AN EXTRA FEE, I’LL HAVE MY WIFE SEW THE DETACHED SKIN INTO A SMALL CHANGE PURSE FOR YOU. (740) 555-8601

SELF-ESTEEM STORAGE

Recently divorced and looking to store the items you managed to liberate from your ex-wife until you can move out of your mom’s basement? We’ll not only keep your stuff safe but also your self-esteem until you can get back on your feet and find a new woman who doesn’t whore around.

555 Georgesbrick Road, Columbus, OH 5530 614-555-6696

SEXUAL SERVICES LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME? Call Candy. She’s always sweet and will give you half off if you catch syphilis.

(614) 555-3102 I CAN SUCK THE CHROME OFF A TRAILER HITCH The doctors tell me I’m dying of chrome poisoning because of it so I’m giving blowjobs for money to pay the medical bills.

Call Bill (614) 555-4450

HEY LADIES

Welcome to the only father/son sexual tag team!

IT’S GOING TO GET GREASY! Call 740-555-9910 Ask for Scott or Scott Jr.

PRIVATE INTERPRETIVE DANCER

WILL ROCK YOUR WORLD AND EXPAND YOUR MIND! HELPS IF YOU COME HIGH ON LSD. OH, AND THERE’S SEX TOO. JUST A HEADS UP, I DON’T SHAVE MY LEGS OR MY PITS. CALL BUTTERFLY BREASTFEATHER 740-555-7896

Sexy MAYBE Ladies

CALL FOR ALL YOUR ZIPPING (AND UNZIPPING) NEEDS!

(740) 555-4321 Serving Blacklick Pataskala, and Licking County

DR. HILLARY TUBBES, MD CERTIFIED TO PRACTICE MEDICINE IN 23 OUT OF THE 50 STATES. THAT’S ALMOST 50% OF AMERICA! CONTRARY TO A JUDGE’S DECISION, SHE DOESN’T NEED MALPRACTICE INSURANCE!

NOW ACCEPTING NEW PATIENTS

314 SOUTH MUSKRAT AVENUE • GROVE CITY, OH

?

ARE THEY 100% FEMALE?

THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!

(614) 555-8808

DREAM COMICs

12

FOR LESS THAN THE COST OF BUYING A DEER

ONE CUP OF COFFEE YOU CAN GET ONE OF THESE AWESOME MINICOMICS FROM MULLET TURTLE COMICS!

SATAN CAT #1

SATAN CAT #2

SATAN CAT #3

ADS FOR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE

DENTAL HYGIENE TIPS FOR THE APOCALYPSE

ANIMALS WHO DESERVE TO BE ENDANGERED

GHOST BOOGER #1

GHOST BOOGER #2

GHOST BOOGER #3

YOU DON’T WANT TO GIVE THOSE DIRTY DEER COFFEE ANYWAY. ONCE THIS BUCK HAS A BELLY FULL OF CAFFEINE, HE AND HIS BUDDIES WILL GANG UP ON YOU AND PUSH YOUR CAR ONTO SOME RAILROAD TRACKS.

WWW.mulletturtle.storenvy.com