living and loving well

Dealing with our own “stuff ” has been challenging enough in recent months. On top of that, we’re faced with difficulties in the physical, emotional and spiritual lives of people around us. I hear daily from couples and individuals who are facing fears, disappointments and unwanted surprises that they don’t feel equipped to handle. They are being asked to take on more responsibility, and oftentimes with less tools, time or emotional capacity than they normally have (whatever “normal” is these days).

So … how do we cope? How do we decide what to say yes to, when to say no? And how do we process the responses our yes or no elicits?

In a word … boundaries.

Renowned clinical psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud has been enlightening people on the subject since he and Dr. John Townsend coauthored “Boundaries: When to Say Yes and How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life” in 1992. In the 28 years since they have written dozens of books on the topic (“Boundaries In Marriage,” “Boundaries With Kids,” “Boundaries for Leaders,” “Boundaries with Teens,” “Boundaries in Dating” and more) and sold millions of copies. So clearly this is an important topic.

Questions I often get when proposing the use of boundaries are: Will the other person be angry? Isn’t it better to just suck it up? Isn’t yes always the more loving, more Christian answer? What if the person needs me to do it? Isn’t saying no selfish?

And if we buy into the boundaries concept how do we implement them, especially in our North Dakota/ Minnesota “nice” culture, where answering with anything less than “absolutely” is often construed as rude? Well, let’s start with the “why,” because it’s what shapes your motivation for the “how.”

What’s going to be better about your life with boundaries? What if learning and implementing boundaries can help your relationships? A life without limits means constantly people pleasing. Consider how exhausting it would be to be expected to carry around a bucket with a giant hole in it, do nothing to patch the hole, but keep the bucket full of water at all times.

Here are several ways boundaries will make your life better:

Increased self-awareness and self-care – The ability to recognize and have a healthy separation between your thoughts and feelings and those of others and prioritize your own well-being is important. It is not selfish to take care of yourself!

Become a better friend and partner – You’ll become more aware of others’ needs, have healthy limits and not violate their boundaries. Your capacity for compassion is improved. Others discover that they can have their own boundaries as you model them. And your yeses become more heartfelt and loving.

Decreased stress – Constantly tending to others’ needs leads to exhaustion and burnout. Eventually we become too drained to accomplish things for ourself or others.

Improved communication – Understanding and embracing boundaries helps you be more clear and concise, transparent and understood.

Increased ability to trust – Expressing your boundaries means you’re trusting others to handle your emotions and needs lovingly. Increased trust leads to improved relationships.

Improved ability to say no in a loving way and feel less anger – No is a small but powerful word. It’s also a full sentence. Resentment is decreased. Disappointment is minimized. Openness leads to clarity and you feel the positive effects of having more control over your life.

More doing the things you’ve wanted to do – Oh the freedom in not having an unreasonable, seemingly impossible list of obligations. There is more time to do the things you want to do. I don’t know about you but that always improves my mood.

Now that you have an overview of the “why,” the “how” is your next step. As you’re probably guessing, it’s not necessarily quick or simple but most great things in life aren’t! So give yourself permission to find someone who can help guide, encourage and cheer you on in learning to use boundaries to live and love well.

WENDY REGNER To Have and To Hold Couples Care

Wendy is a licensed professional counselor in private practice at To Have & To Hold Couples Care/Journey of Hope Counseling in Fargo. She is a member of the American Counseling Association (ACA), American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), a lifetime member of the Boundaries.me network, a Certified SYMBIS Pre-marital Preparation Facilitator, and a Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy practitioner. She has a passion for helping couples and individuals navigate the challenges life brings and learn to bravely live life to the fullest.

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