September 2015 — Align with your highest values by Complete Wellbeing

“Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.”—Dalai Lama

Winner of the Medscape India award 2012 ISSN 2277 – 5153 VOL IX ISSUE 11 SEPTEMBER 2015 ` 100 PAGES 100

DECEIVING YOURSELF!

Discover and align with your true values to live your best life p22

FEATURING

» John Demartini Wayne Allen Akshay Chopra

Editor’s insights

Exit plan

Manoj Khatri infinitemanoj ManojKhatri

The key to living your best life lies in determining your highest values and le ing them steer your decisions and actions 02 SEPTEMBER 2015 VOL IX ISSUE 11

he great inventor Thomas Edison was known to be a workaholic who regarded social gatherings such as formal dinners and parties as a waste of time. On one such occasion, feeling bored in the company of dull people, he resolved to escape to his laboratory at the first opportunity. Just as he was about to walk through the door, the host of the dinner appeared. “It certainly is a delight to see you, Mr Edison. What are you working on now?” asked the oblivious man. “My exit,” replied Edison. Edison clearly knew his priorities and abided in them. To him, his work made him happy. In fact he once said, “I never did a day’s work in my life. It was all fun.” Not surprisingly, he spent a significant amount of his time working, accumulating in his lifetime more than 2000 patents for his inventions. But most people are not so sure about their priorities. They have been conditioned to embrace social ideals, which they o en accept and embrace as their own values. Then, when happiness eludes them, they wonder why. The answer is simple—they are not living authentic lives. An authentic life is one in which you are guided by an inner conviction. Your thoughts and actions are aligned to your natural inclinations. Such a life is characterised by lasting joy, a feeling of freedom, extraordinary vitality and, most of all, a sense of eﬀortlessness. “Is such a life possible?”, you ask. Absolutely, and bestselling author and human behaviour specialist John Demartini tells you how in the lead story this month. The key to living your best life lies in determining your highest values and le ing them steer your decisions and actions. True values are like fingerprints—each individual has a unique set of them. “They are a kind of internal compass, pointing you toward the activities, people, and places that most fulfil you, and away from the situations and people that are likely to feel unfulfilling,” says John adding, “Just as no one else can choose your fingerprints or alter the pa ern of your retina, no outside authority—no parent, teacher, political leader, or religious figure—can define your values. Only you can look into your own mind, heart, and soul and discover what is truly most important to you.” Once you understand how alignment to your values determines the quality of your life, you must identify your highest values. John has created a six-step process to help you discover your personal values, which is presented a er his article. I urge you to spare some time and complete this very meaningful exercise, at the end of which you will know which of your beliefs have been blocking your rightful happiness from you. No ma er what your values, once you know what they are, you will never again waste your time living by other people’s standards. Like Edison, you will simply exit any situation that doesn’t line up with your values.

manoj.khatri@completewellbeing.com COMPLETE WELLBEING

www.completewellbeing.com Vol IX Issue 11 SEP 2015

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SUMMARY

CO NTENT S of

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22 | Trending this month

Stop deceiving yourself! Discover and align with your true values to live your best life

When you take on goals that are not aligned with your highest values, your goals have little chance of being realised but you end up struggling and being unhappy. Understanding your values and then using them to achieve your most meaningful goals is the key to transforming a quiet life of desperation into an amazing life of inspiration By John Demartini

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DISCLAIMER | Complete Wellbeing is dedicated to providing useful, well-researched information on holistic health/wellbeing, but its contents are not intended to provide medical advice/diagnosis for individual problems or circumstances, or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Readers are advised to always consult their physician/healthcare professional/therapist, prior to starting any new remedy, therapy or treatment, or practice, or with any questions they may have regarding a medical/health condition. The views expressed by writers are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the editor, publisher, or Complete Wellbeing. Using masculine pronouns ‘he’, ‘him’ or ‘his’ for subjects of unknown gender is considered prejudicial. We respect both genders and hence use feminine and masculine pronouns interchangeably. Complete Wellbeing is not responsible for advertising claims.

VOL IX ISSUE 11 SEPTEMBER 2015 03

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FEATURED THIS MONTH

Wayne C. Allen is a is an author and retired psychotherapist. Four of his books—This Endless Moment, Half Asleep in the Buddha Hall, Find Your Perfect Partner, and The. Best. Relationship. Ever— are available on Amazon.

65 36 | career & workplace

Do you wear a mask at work?

Learn how to unmask and embrace your true self in three unique steps. By Michelle McQuaid

40 | self-help

I want to say something! Maria Gracia is a “makinglife-beĴer expert” who has been providing organising and life advice to over a million followers a year via GetOrganizedNow.com, her complimentary ezine, blog, social media channels, books and publications. She believes that organising is responsible for every joy to be had in life!

Many people feel scared to speak in situations where they ought to. As a result they harm themselves and their relationships with others By Jim Bolton

60 48 | marriage & intimacy In for the long haul: Being there for your trauma-struck partner

A spouse or partner’s traumatic experience can take a toll on a relationship. However, there are ways in which you can help your loved one cope with trauma By Mansi Poddar

60 | consciousness

Spirituality is your most precious friend

If you think spirituality has no practical benefits for your everyday life, think again By Gabriel Rocheleau

62 | self-help

Free the rebel in you

44 | parenting Teen turmoil

What to do when your teen breaks your trust By Akshay Naresh

Mansi Poddar, MA in Counselling for Mental Health and Wellness, is a licensed Heal Your Life teacher [USA]. She is certified in trauma treatment, CBT and spirituality-based psychotherapy.

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46 | parenting

May I suggest something?

Talking to someone about their way of parenting can be awkward. However, the trick is to not be judgmental or clumsy By Alison Smith

What is the true nature of rebellion? Is it blindly going against the grain or does it involve a thoughtful approach to sift out nonsense beliefs? By Wayne C Allen

65 | yoga

Get glowing with yoga

An instructor at the Santacruz Yoga Institute shows you how to achieve a naturally glowing face and body through yoga By Vijaya Magar

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76 86 68 | yoga

This is how you meditate

Most of us want to meditate, but we either don’t know how or we think we cannot keep away thoughts. This guide shows you how to ease into a daily routine of meditation By Olivia H Miller

74 | sleep

NAP: Should I? should I not?

Napoleon Bonaparte napped. Albert Einstein napped. Winston Churchill napped. What can naps do for you? What is the best time to take one? How long should it be? By Michael Terman and Ian McMahan

76 | food & nutrition

Two cardinal rules of eating

Getting the most out of your diet means knowing not just what to eat, but when to eat it By Akshay Chopra

86 | travel

Wayanad? Why not!

In many ways Wayanad encapsulates the true essence of Kerala heritage: spices, waterfalls, ancient caves, historic sites and, of course, rich wildlife By Rathina Sankari

92 | living spaces 10 Steps to a happy clothes closet

Organising the clothes closet can be a cumbersome affair. But with these 10 steps, you will never have to worry about a messy closet again By Maria Gracia

79 | food & nutrition Be a corn artist

72 | Q & A on health

We eat it boiled, stir-fried, or just dryroasted on a busy street corner, with a splash of lime and chaat masala. But did you know, you could make sweet corn dosa or even ice-pops? Presenting mouth-watering recipes that let you enjoy the vegetable in unique ways By Preeti Tamilarasan

Don’t lose heart

Heart disease is unsettlingly prevalent in the world today. However, most of us are in the dark about the nature of cardiovascular disease, its causes and treatment. On the occasion of World Heart Day, we shed light on some of the common doubts and questions in this special heart to heart By AV Ganesh Kumar

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84 | food & nutrition

Cardamom: Splendid spice

Cardamom, also known as elaichi in India, is a common ingredient in Indian cuisine. However, this little spice has a lot more to offer than simply flavour. Here are 10 ways this wonder spice heals and protects you. By Janvi Chitalia

REGULARS

Unlearn self-help

Iw a som nt t eth o sa ing y !

Many people feel scared to speak in situations where they ought to. As a result they harm themselves and their relationships with others

By Jim Bolton DO YOU HAVE TROUBLE speaking up even when you have something meaningful to contribute to a conversation? Do you fear speaking up when you disagree with someone? Do you prefer to stay quiet than to express yourself? If your answer is “yes” to even one of the above questions, then you suﬀer from a communication disorder. Staying silent when you ought to speak is as bad as speaking incessantly without consideration for others. Whether it’s at work or at home, the inability to express oneself openly is ultimately detrimental to one’s mental and spiritual health. One of the first steps you need to take in order to remedy the inability to communicate is to decide to speak up. However, this can be tricky, because the irony about candour or openness is that it’s easy to practise except in those moments when it really counts. So, how can you correct this?

Deciding to speak up If you’re nervous that what you have to say won’t be well-received [or if you get anxious about speaking up to 06 SEPTEMBER 2015 VOL IX ISSUE 11

begin with], it is hard to get the words to come out of your mouth. People o en imagine the worst-case scenario will happen once they do: they’ll be shot down, embarrassed, oﬀend someone, perceived as incompetent or as a troublemaker, and so on. Rather than risk these outcomes [which feel real], they withhold their ideas and opinions. They play it safe, but, in doing so, they deprive their loved ones of a glimpse into their true selves. Those who have a hard time speaking up o en want to feel confident that their words will be well-received before they speak. That rarely happens in challenging conversations. Things always seem worse the moment before you speak up. But once you do, how o en does the worst-case scenario happen? The consequences we imagine are far worse than the actual consequences we experience. The real challenge is to overcome the internal obstacles that prevent words from flowing. Here are some tips to help do that: COMPLETE WELLBEING

Checklist for candour

Say what you mean

Disconnect “feeling uncomfortable” with speaking up. People unconsciously connect feelings and actions in their minds. People who are significantly overweight are o en coached to disconnect the feeling of hunger from the act of eating; they train themselves to eat prescribed portions at prescribed times. They learn to be hungry and not eat. Similarly, try training yourself to speak up even if you’re uncomfortable when you do so.

Be transparent. Speak clearly and neutrally about the issues that are bothering you. Give specific examples that support your point of view. Be concise. Get to the point quickly.

Be open to others’ point of view Ask clarifying questions to understand different perspectives. Build trust by listening to the other’s point of view, even when you disagree with it or it upsets you. Work to understand feedback you’re given by a loved one or colleague, even when it’s poorly delivered or, in your eyes, incorrect. Remember that healthy conflict is a characteristic of a healthy relationship.

Consider the best-case scenarios to balance the worst-case scenarios. We automatically think of the bad things that might happen to us if we speak up. But what about the good? Maybe what you have to say will help solve your friend’s problem or make your loved one realise their mistake. At work, maybe what you say represents the feelings of others in the group and they appreciate your candour.

Find other ways to hear your voice in a situation. The more you participate in conversations, the easier it becomes to speak up. Find a way to contribute that feels less risky. Ask questions of others. The more you hear your voice in a conversation, the easier it becomes to speak up when it feels hard and uncomfortable to do so.

Ask someone you trust to give you feedback. Let that person know that you are trying to find ways of communicating constructively and that you’d like to know how your eﬀorts are impacting the relationship. At work, you could ask a close colleague to help you out. Let them know as specifically as you can what you’re working on. A er a meeting, ask for their impressions on what you did well and what you could do diﬀerently in the future. If you ask for their feedback, DO NOT ARGUE OR GET DEFENSIVE. Take notes, say thank you, and work on those behaviours at the next meeting.

Don’t take responsibility for other people’s reactions. We o en stop ourselves from speaking because we’re worried about how others will react. COMPLETE WELLBEING

Speak up in real time Challenge decisions if they seem unfair to you and offer your perspectives on the matter. If you feel internal conflict, speak up so that people can grapple with the issue at a deeper level. Preface your comments to prepare others for what’s to come [e.g. “I have a different point of view…”]

This actually does a great disservice to ourselves and others. We don’t say hard things that may help others be be er because we don’t want to hurt their feelings. And so they don’t get be er. Manage your half of the relationship and let others manage theirs. Say what you need to say respectfully. Then allow people to have their reactions.

It’s not making a mess but cleaning it up that makes a difference. People o en think that once they say what’s on their mind, the consequences will be lasting. If, for instance, you offend someone, it’s easy to think that you’ve eroded trust or damaged that relationship permanently. But communication is a process that unfolds over multiple interactions. If you say something that didn’t come out as you intended, or if it is misunderstood, you have options. You can clarify what you meant. You can apologise. You can try stating your message a different way. Your speaking isn’t the end of the conversation. It’s your beginning. So if it doesn’t come out right or has unintended consequences, you have multiple opportunities to make yourself understood and to understand the other person’s perspective.

Remember… Communicating openly and freely may be challenging in the beginning. So start doing just one thing diﬀerently, and then build on your success. When you say what you mean, mean what you say, and say it in real time, you’ll find that you’re able to address problems in the moment, thus freeing your mind and energy for more creative approaches that benefit you and your loved ones. May the skills be with you!

Jim Bolton is the President of Ridge Training—a firm that helps employees communicate productively so they save more time, get more done, and have more fun. Jim has presented at national conferences in the US, and has been quoted in numerous business publications including Executive Excellence and the Harvard Management Update.

VOL IX ISSUE 11 SEPTEMBER 2015 07

Manage parenting

Talking to someone about their way of parenting can be awkward. However, the trick is to not be judgmental or clumsy, says parenting coach Alison Smith

May I suggest something? How not to bring up someone’s poor parenting PEOPLE OFTEN WONDER what to do when they see poor parenting. Should you say nothing, telling yourself it’s none of your business? Or do you speak up for the child’s sake and risk confrontation with that parent? This can be a tough decision to navigate, o en with no easy answers. One consideration is to reflect on the nature of the behaviour you are witnessing. Is it neglectful or abusive? If it is, you may have a legal obligation to act. If the line is finer, as in the case of discipline strategies like time-outs or counting to three, the answer is less clear. There are many parenting choices which may be disrespectful toward a child or inappropriate given the child’s age, yet are within acceptable cultural norms. So what can you do if you decide you need to take action?

Avoid judging those who parent differently There are times our friends or family may take a different approach when raising their children. For example, you may allow your children to climb up the slide, while another parent insights that his child may only slide down. Or your teen has no curfew while your sister’s kids must be home by 10pm. May be your family has a history of obesity so you keep your kids away from sweets, but your neighbour has declared an open season on sweets. In cases like these, I find it best to remind myself that everyone has a different perspective. Judgement has no place in healthy relationships. Realise that a right choice for you may be different than a right choice for someone else. You could use this as an

Alison Smith is a life coach, mother, teacher, writer and speaker living in New Brunswick, Canada. She supports parents directly both on-line and off, through parenting coaching, workshops and parenting groups. She has written the Gentle Parenting Manifesto, a guide for parents to create a win-win relationship with their child. More information can be found at alisonsmithcoaching.com.

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opportunity to share your beliefs in a nonthreatening way. To the parent who wouldn’t allow his or her kids to climb up the slide, you could say something like, “I know it may look like I’m permissive, but my kids know to watch for others waiting for a turn and I believe it boosts their confidence to climb and explore.” Your sister who insists on the early curfew might believe that kids need to earn their freedom; while you prefer to see your teens prove their maturity by making certain decisions independently. You could tell your kids, “Hey, Aunt Sheila wants your cousins to be home by 10pm. How about you make it an early night so they’re included in the fun, too? You can stay out later tomorrow night.” Know that just because you parent differently, it doesn’t make you wrong or right. If you feel the need to be right, then explore why that is. Perhaps you lack confidence in your parenting? Feeling judged or judgmental can be a cue for us to do some work on ourselves.

The casual and oﬀ-hand approach Subtlety is the key to discussing poor parenting skills constructively. Find a way to bring up whatever problem you may be facing with your child. This may invite the other parent to open up to a discussion about parenting philosophy. For example: “We’ve been struggling with bedtime lately. We want a way to help her get enough sleep while teaching her to recognise her own sleep cues. We tried this new thing which really seems to be working.” You may not get a powerful, “Aha!” moment, but you may understand each other be er.

When other parents lose their cool Let’s be honest. When a parent yells, shames, or treats his or her child disrespectfully, everyone in the room is aﬀected. If it is uncomfortable for us, it must certainly feel terrible COMPLETE WELLBEING

to the child. And by si ing idly by, are we implicitly telling the child that the mistreatment is warranted? The following ideas may be helpful in this situation. If you know that your best friend is a tough disciplinarian and it is challenging for your family to be around her at times, then maybe ge ing together without the kids is a be er option. You could also plan more relaxing activities such as picnics rather than formal dining. Give yourself [or your kids] a chance for a break during visits so the exposure to negativity is lessened. That way you can maintain your relationship with your friend while minimising those uncomfortable moments.

Should you say something? Unless there is abuse, I do not generally confront someone directly who parents differently than I. In my experience, it is not well-received. Since parenting brings up a lot of personal feelings of inadequacy or feeling judged, it can be tricky to talk about. In addition to that, parents sometimes hold firm to their stance, even with evidence to the contrary, as it would mean challenging their beliefs or facing mistakes their own parents may have made. Unless someone explicitly asks for parenting advice, they are not usually open to listening. As a parent coach, I work with people who are ready for change. Although they sometimes ask how I can help them change their child’s behaviour, I will gently introduce the idea that the parent needs to change first. One-on-one, I can tell how open they are to the message and ease them through at their own pace. While those who hold firm to their beliefs are not generally interested in philosophical debate about parenting techniques, there are some steps you can take to encourage a shi in their approach.

Modelling: a powerful strategy At first it may seem as if you are not doing anything to help, but modelling is a powerful tool for teaching. How o en do our children do what we do, instead of what we say? Human beings are designed to learn through modelling. By being the best version COMPLETE WELLBEING

of yourself around parents who parent differently, you are showing them another way. The language you use with your children, the boundaries that you set and the relationship you share with your child are all useful to another parent. Other parents may be watching and listening. One never knows the impact they may have on another. You may find that other parents become curious to know your secrets. “How do you get your son to eat his vegetables?!” they exclaim. This is a wonderful opportunity to provide a glimpse into your parenting style. Be mindful of their reaction and openness. Refrain from comments that may be interpreted as judgement. Merely speak to what has worked for you.

A final word We all have bad days and feel embarrassed by our own parenting behaviour. We get tired, overwhelmed or take out some unresolved pain from our own childhood on our kids. When we see another parent struggling, let’s meet them with understanding and compassion first. Treat them as you would a hurting child. Empathise with how hard parenting can be. Help to refill their emotional cup and oﬀer support if they want it.

VOL IX ISSUE 11 SEPTEMBER 2015 09

Decide

food & nutrition

Two cardinal

GeĴing the most out of your diet means knowing not just what to eat, but when to eat it, says fitness expert Akshay Chopra 10 SEPTEMBER 2015 VOL IX ISSUE 11

COMPLETE WELLBEING

rules of eating WHEN IT COMES to the right way of eating, almost all of us know what not to do, but few of us know what to actually do. We know that we should avoid eating unhealthy stuﬀ like fried foods, confectionary items and processed foods. Additionally, we are aware that we need to stay away from unhealthy eating practices, like eating heavy meals at night or eating too much. However, when I ask my clients to tell me the basics of what it means to eat correctly, most of them are only aware of a couple of traditional concepts, like eating less or not skipping breakfast. There are two basic guidelines that I generally suggest to my clients. I believe that these two rules, when applied correctly, can phenomenally impact what you can get out of your workout and diet plan.

Nutrient timing Timing of a meal can play a major role in your struggle with weight issues or health problems. It is not only important how much and what you eat but also when you eat. Our ancestors followed the nutrient timing principle without ever being conscious about it. Unfortunately, in today’s fast-paced world, we either completely skip eating breakfast or we chomp down whatever we can lay our hands on in the morning’s rush. Some people “brunch” instead of eating a proper breakfast. However, doing so is detrimental to your health. Let’s look at the ideal timing for each meal. Breakfast Ideally, you should have your first meal between 60 – 90 minutes a er you wake up. Try not to eat almost immediately a er waking up. Save the first hour to do your morning chores, some exercise or pranayama. It is important to fuel your body correctly at breakfast, because your body has been starved of essential micronutrients since the previous night’s meal. If there is too long a gap between COMPLETE WELLBEING

waking up and having your first meal, i.e. more than 90 minutes, then your body will begin breaking down your muscles for energy. Lunch Generally, there is a substantial gap between breakfast and lunch, and this usually leads to hunger and cravings. You can eat a healthy, nutrient-rich, low-carbohydrate snack in between the meals to keep your body going. Ideally, you should have your lunch between 12:30 – 2:30pm. However, a slight delay is acceptable if you adjust your day accordingly. Pre and post-workout Depending on the type of workout you do, you need a protein and carbohydrate-rich snack at least 30 – 45 minutes before you exercise. This is especially necessary if the gap between your lunch and workout is greater than 120 minutes. Your post-workout meal is just as important. Unfortunately, most of us tend to neglect this important nutrient timing. The body is most receptive to nutrient absorption up to 45 minutes a er a workout. Dinner Being the final meal of your day, dinner needs to be light and taken at the right time. Eating a heavy meal just before hi ing the bed can adversely aﬀect your health. A gap of at least three hours between dinner and sleep is best.

Nutrient intake Knowing what kind of nutrient to eat for breakfast, lunch, pre/post workout and dinner is vital. This second guideline is essential to extract maximum health benefits from our diets. Although my recommendations are based on traditional Indian cuisine, the rule can be applied to cuisines of other regions as well. The first thing you need to do when you get up in the morning is not have a cup of tea/ coﬀee or some fruit, as is generally advised. Instead, drink some water. Squeeze some VOL IX ISSUE 11 SEPTEMBER 2015 11

TO SATISFY ANY HUNGER CRAVING BETWEEN YOUR BREAKFAST AND LUNCH, YOU NEED TO HAVE A HIGH PROTEIN AND FIBRE-RICH SNACK

lemon juice in the water to make it alkaline. About 90 minutes a er you wake up, you can have herbal or non-herbal tea or black coﬀee with some lemon, or a vitamin C tablet. The antioxidants from both will be absorbed maximum on an empty stomach.

Akshay Chopra is an officer in the Indian Air Force in the flying branch. He is a certified fitness professional with certifications from NASM, ISSA, AAHF, NESTA, IFPA. He offers free consultation on fitness through his website www. akshaychopra.com. He is author of Why my Mom Never Went on a Diet.

Breakfast In your first meal, having a fruit or any other food with a high glycaemic index is not a great idea since your body is deprived of carbohydrates a er a night’s sleep [especially if you are oﬀ carbohydrates during dinner]. Therefore, any form of simple, high GI carbohydrates will spike your blood sugar levels. This will, in turn, raise your body’s insulin levels, sending a message of starvation to your brain. As a result, your body will store the carbohydrates as fats, instead of using it for energy. Contrarily, a sharp rise in blood sugar levels, caused by high GI foods, will lead to an equally sharp crash in the blood sugar levels, making you feel hungry soon a er your meal. Research has shown that having a highprotein breakfast is ideal, as it not only helps curb the sharp rise in blood sugar, but also keeps you satiated for long. This prevents you from ge ing food cravings and hunger pangs. Therefore, an ideal breakfast must contain proteins, like eggs, co age cheese, or milk, in addition to low GI carbohydrate sources like oats, multigrain breads and poha. Add some nuts to it and you will have one of the healthiest breakfast options available.

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Lunch To satisfy any hunger craving between your breakfast and lunch, you need to have a high protein and fibre-rich snack. Opt for a bowl of salad made from sprouts with some vegetables, chicken or co age cheese. Alternatively, you can have a multigrainbread sandwich with chicken or paneer and some vegetables. For lunch, you can eat regular homecooked food, like rotis, vegetable, rice with dal, with a side of salad. Additionally, have a bowl of curd or a glass of bu ermilk. Pre and post-workout As stated earlier, your pre and post-workout meals are important. For the pre-workout snack, you can eat to suit the kind of exercise you would be performing. If the session involves weight-training or HIIT [high intensity interval training], then a fruit with black coffee and a vitamin C tablet are all you need. For a post-workout meal, you can supplement your training with a liquid protein and carbohydrate diet. Ideally, you can have whey protein in water. Dinner It is important to keep your dinner simple yet nutritious. Avoid having carbohydrate-rich foods. Instead, include proteins like chicken or fish, salads or soups in your dinner. What you eat at night can greatly influence your health. While these suggestions can be adopted by anyone, the results can differ from person to person. Regardless, following these guidelines will make you see and feel a profound difference in your body within a very short span of time. These suggestions are not some type of fad but a healthy way of eating for life. To subscribe to Complete Wellbeing, send ‘CW SUB’ to 07738387787

COMPLETE WELLBEING

MONTH FRESHENER Infuse life into your days Add variety to your meals today; try out a vegetable or recipe you’ve not eaten before.

WED

Have a bubble bath or aromatherapy bath today. It’s a fun way to rejuvenate and relax.

WED

Just for today, ban the word ‘no’ from your vocabulary.

THU

Whenever you feel too overwhelmed or tensed at work, spend five minutes on the Internet looking for something that will make you laugh.

SAT

Teacher’s Day Plan a visit to your school with your batch mates and surprise your teachers.

SUN

Feeling drowsy? Take a short 10-minute nap; it will refresh you.

TUE

World Literacy Day Take a step to make India literate; sponsor a child’s education.

While travelling, switch off your cell phone and use the time to meditate.

MON

Rent an old, favourite movie. Watch it with your friends or family and a big bowl of popcorn.

SAT

Visit a park or garden, or sit under a big peepal or banyan tree. Take in the green energy.

SUN

Create puzzles for your kids and ask them to solve them.

SUN

Give your room a fresh look; rearrange the furniture, paint a wall in a different colour, or get new wall décor.

MON

Make up a story to tell your kids, nieces or nephews. Imagine a plot, the characters and then go with the flow.

MON

International Day of Peace Pray for peace in the world when you wake up this morning. WED

We often reach out for junk food as a snack. Opt for something healthy, like a fruit or salad instead.

MY NOTE

THU

Volunteer at a community garden. Get your hands in the dirt, you will feel rejuvenated and joyous!

MY NOTE

WED

Eat an avocado; it is rich in monounsaturated fat that keeps your heart healthy and helps you lose weight.

FRI

SUN

MON

SAT

FRI

Learn something new today; watch a DIY video and make your own stuff at home.

www.completewellbeing.com

TUE

September 2015

Trending this month

DECEIVING YOURSELF!

Discover and align with your true values to live your best life “Your beliefs become your thoughts, Your thoughts become your words, Your words become your actions, Your actions become your habits, Your habits become your values, Your values become your destiny.” — Mahatma Gandhi

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John Demartini is a human behavioural specialist, founder of the Demartini Institute, international best-selling author, educator and business consultant working with CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, celebrities and sports personalities. He provides answers to questions and practical solutions to life’s challenges. For more information visit www.DrDemartini.com alternatively, email the Demartini Institute at info@DrDemartini.com

When you take on goals that are not aligned with your highest values, your goals have liĴle chance of being realised and you end up struggling and being unhappy. Understanding your values and then using them to achieve your most meaningful goals is the key to transforming a quiet life of desperation into an amazing life of inspiration, says John Demartini

“Your beliefs become your thoughts, Your thoughts become your words, Your words become your actions, Your actions become your habits, Your habits become your values, Your values become your destiny.” — Mahatma Gandhi WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT step you can take to achieve the inspired and fulfilling life you’ve dreamed of? You might think the answer was something like, “Start saving money,” “Get a beĴer job,” or “Land that big promotion.” Or maybe your response would be more like, “Find my life partner,” “Have a baby,” or “Improve my marriage.” Any of those actions might help you create a more well-rounded life—perhaps even a more meaningful one. But none of them alone will be the key to fulfilling your destiny—none of them alone may even come close. Why? Because until you understand specifically what you truly value most, what truly inspires you, who you truly are, and what your true purpose is, a completely inspired, fulfilling life will elude you. You’re likely to aĴempt to live the life that someone else wants you to live, trying COMPLETE WELLBEING

to follow someone else’s values or priorities— those of a parent, teacher, boss, or spouse. That is a recipe for frustration: the job that never quite satisfies you, the relationship that has somehow gone stale, and the vague sense that you’re living a quiet life of desperation.

Values determine quality of life Determining your highest values is the key to living your inspired destiny. You’ll be able to build a career where every day can feel like a vacation—because you love the work you do. You’ll be able to find the life partner that you seek, or transform your current relationship into the intimate, nourishing partnership that you would love. You’ll be able to activate your own unique VOL IX ISSUE 11 SEPTEMBER 2015 15

Your unique purpose is to understand and fulfil your highest values. It is both a spiritual quest and the key to a fulfilling life genius, grow your financial freedom, expand your influence, and unleash your vitality. Ultimately, you will be able to achieve your immortal vision, fulfilling your purpose for being here on earth.

True values are not social idealisms When I ask you to think about what your values are, what words come to mind? If you’re like most people, you might find yourself listing abstract qualities: honesty, integrity, trust. Or perhaps you would refer to a set of religious beliefs, a patriotic ideal, or a code of morality. These are probably not really your own personal values. Rather, they are what I call social idealisms: socially acceptable ways of thinking and behaving. Social idealisms sound nice. But they don’t necessarily reflect the true driving force that shapes your perceptions, decisions, actions, and feelings. You might genuinely believe that you are inspired by these ideals. But they are more likely to reflect your ideas of how you should, ought to, or have to behave—not what you truly value most. You can recognise social idealisms because they are usually presented as general statements and abstract categories: People should be honest. Treat others the way you want them to treat you. A good person goes to church, synagogue, mosque, or temple. An “evolved” person is always generous or altruistic.

True values are unique True values, by contrast, are as specific to you as your fingerprint, your retinal pa ern, and your voiceprint. Perhaps what you truly value most is spending time with your family, listening to beautiful music, and the chance to play basketball several times a week. Or perhaps you value stylish clothes, nursing injured animals back to health, or expanding your enterprise’s global reach. Your highest values may change throughout your life—most people’s do—but they are still the very

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essence of you: what you’re drawn to, what you inevitably seek out, what you live for. They are a kind of internal compass, pointing you toward the activities, people, and places that most fulfil you and away from the situations and people that are likely to feel unfulfilling. If you think of which activities and relationships truly nourish your innermost being, those are your highest values. Just as no one else can choose your fingerprints or alter the pa ern of your retina, no outside authority—no parent, teacher, political leader, or religious figure—can define your values. Only you can look into your own mind, heart, and soul and discover what is truly most important to you. Of course, you may find some similarities between your values and those of others. For example, both you and another person may love learning. But one of you may love to learn facts and figures, while the other revels in mastering profound philosophic concepts. Or perhaps one of you delights in mastering the ins and outs of investments in the stock market, while the other loves to invent complex financial instruments. In the domain of home and family, perhaps two parents equally value nurturing their children. But one expresses that nurturing through providing challenges and discipline, while another expresses that nurturing through long conversations about feelings and oﬀering comfort in times of diﬃculty. As you can see, even when two sets of values seem to be similar, one person’s values will never be quite like anybody else’s. Your unique purpose is to understand and fulfil your highest values. It is both a spiritual quest and the key to a fulfilling life. This is why I suggest that you focus on your own personal journey of self-discovery and not allow social idealisms or possibly stagnant traditions or conventions to cloud the clarity of what really ma ers to you.

How to distinguish your true values How do you know when you are expressing your true highest values and when you are reflecting

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social idealisms? I’ll oﬀer some powerful exercises later in this article that will reveal your true highest values. Meanwhile, here’s an important clue: anytime you find yourself saying, “I should...,” “I need to...,” or “I really must...,” you can be pre y certain that you are talking about social idealisms or the values of some external authority instead of expressing your own true highest values. On the other hand, when you hear yourself saying, “I desire to...,” “I choose to...,” or “I love to...,” then you know that you are talking about a goal that is truly valuable to you. Those are the goals you will inevitably achieve because they align with your highest values. But when you take on goals that are not aligned with your highest values, then you will, in all probability, struggle.

Values come from voids One of the things that’s most powerful about our values is how they reflect what has been perceived as lacking in our lives—the seeming diﬃculties, challenges, obstacles, sorrows, or voids. Whatever we perceive is missing sets oﬀ

a powerful hunger for precisely that thing. The perception of lack or void creates a corresponding value that drives us until we feel fulfilled. For example, when I was a child, I felt restricted by the braces I was forced to wear. I perceived that restriction as a void—a lack of freedom. At age four, I begged my father to release me from that void. I promised to keep my hands and feet straight on my own if only I didn’t have to wear the braces. My father agreed. I was so thrilled to have filled that void—to have replaced restriction with freedom—that I have placed a very high value on physical movement and travel ever since. As a child, I simply ran everywhere, glorying in my ability to move without braces. Throughout my boyhood and youth, I placed a very high value on physical activity and went on to excel at sports. As an adult, I value travel, and I have vowed to visit every country on earth. To this day, I love being unrestricted, either by my physical location or by any type of limiting belief. Today, the universe is my playground, the world is my home, and every city is another platform where I can share my heart and soul.

Your personal values are as unique as your fingerprints

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