Here's a couple more helpful thoughts on the subject of dating:
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Healthy people many times come from
healthy communities. As I read articles and books and listen to various CD's, from time to time I come across some speakers or authors who either write about or speak about the lost art of connected communities and how to make an effort to revive these communities in a local way. As you look around the globe you find small towns in developed countries that may have closer local connections than huge cities. But more closer connected communities and families seem to be outside of developed nations who are less likely to be caught up in the daily "rat race." Here is an opportunity for healthy individuals to arise from closer families and communities. ¡1
After reading people's experiences
online, talking to various people, and seeing it for myself, I've reached the conclusion with somewhat of a laugh that online dating is a "crapshoot." What I've run across and experienced for myself are a couple of typical stories...
If you're not a "looker" or a "person of status" almost nobody is interested except a few "alley cats." Basically, online browsers of profiles seem to make their decisions to contact someone or not based on superficial criteria like looks, status, money, etc. The "fortunate women" seemed to be overwhelmed with messages and the men get little or no responses. What I've heard when talking with different individuals over the years is that some women receive so many messages that they do not know who to respond to and the men end up wondering if anyone got their messages or if anyone is interested at all. The best strategy is to keep your expectations in
check and to use an online service that matches members based on compatibility through various questions. This will help filter out the initial "riff raff" and increase the probability of finding someone compatible.
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Surround yourself with reliable friends who will have your best interests in mind. Not only can they be a source of encouragement for you as you go through the process of dating, but they can also be a source of necessary feedback if you end up falling for someone who is toxic to your mental and emotional health and/or incompatible with you.
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As with making new friends in general, the same principle of openness applies to how you carry yourself personally. In other words, to have friends you need to show yourself friendly. Based on this basic truth, ask yourself and ask other people to observe how come across verbally and nonverbal in your communication. For example, do you make eye contact with new individuals
or do you act like they are not even in the same room with you. Some people wonder why they never seem to meet anyone new when their nonverbals are communicating that they are closed. ¡4
A good way to find and keep healthy individuals in your life is to have healthy boundaries for yourself. These boundaries will also keep away the unhealthy individuals who will most likely move on to find someone else to involve in their unhealthy behaviors.
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Part of being a healthy individual is to be an "integrated person." This means that your life is full and flowing with individual interests and friendships and
allows you to be a whole person. Not only is not being "needy" attractive to healthier people, but the opposite also applies that unhealthy people will move on. ¡6
Realize that the whole process of finding a suitable spouse is not usually an easy process and just be patient and persevere with a healthy social life and whatever appoach you decided on for dating. Summing It All Up
In summation, look for a potential spouse first in healthy communities if you can. Realize online dating is a "crapshoot" and
pick a service that matches individuals that they believe are compatible based on personal questions asked of individual members. Realize people answer these questions based on how they see themselves and keep your expectations in check. Surround yourself with healthy friends who have your best interests in mind and be open to meeting new people. Be an integrated person, have healthy boundaries, and persevere and be patient. Your Turn... So where are you at with all this? Are you looking for healthy people first in healthy communities and if no, why not? Are you using an online dating service that matches
people based on compatibility and are your expectations in check? Are you surrounding yourself with reliable friends and are you open to meeting new friends? Are you an integrated person and do you keep healthy boundaries?