Scopes

with Joseph Smith

TAURUS APRIL 20  MAY 20

Just because you’re vaccinated doesn’t mean condoms aren’t required anymore. How else will you wash the dishes?

GEMINI MAY 21  JUN 20

Right now I’m guessing your legs may be whiter than your teeth. Get yourself to the dentist before you hit the beach.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 23  DEC 21

Time to rediscover that vomiting in a pub bathroom is much better than in your own. Party time!

CAPRICORN DEC 22  JAN 21

Soon the only mask you’ll have to wear again is the facade of your parents’ disappointment. At least you’ll be able to breathe again! CANCER JUN 21  JUL 20

Masturbating during work meetings is only ok if you’re not in the offi ce. Don’t forget, you can’t turn your camera off if you’re all in the room together.

LEO JUL 21  AUG 22

Dating. It’s been so long that you’ve almost forgotten that it’s likely to still be just as disappointing as before lockdown.

AQUARIUS JAN 22  FEB 21

If lockdown has taught us anything, it’s the value of pre-loading. Just don’t forget to leave the house this time. VIRGO AUG 23  SEPT 22

Hug a Victorian. They need it. Unless it’s Eddie McGuire. Punch Eddie.

PISCES FEB 19  MAR 20

Check in on your introverted friends. They need you to invite them out again so they can decline. They miss JOMO just as much as you missed FOMO.

ARIES MAR 21  APRIL 19

It’s time for you to come out of your house again. Please don’t forget your clothes. LIBRA SEPT 23  OCT 22

2021 has been tough. Fitting back in your favourite pants is going to be tougher.

SCORPIO OCT 23  NOV 22

No one cares about your haircut or what you ate for breakfast. The reason we follow you on socials is because of your drama. We miss you.•