STUDENT PRESIDENT DEFRAUDS CLOCKTOWER

You can’t just print more money. Or can you?

OUSA Student President Quintin Jane has been caught at the centre of an elaborate money making scheme, double-, nay, triple-dipping his greedy little fists into the Clocktower’s coffers. This was brought to light when he was caught printing, cutting, and copying sheets of currency in Central Library. When confronted, Quintin said, “What? You don’t get paid in sheets of cash every week? Must be a Clocktower thing.”

This got us thinking - who would pay a University employee in sheets of raw currency? Turns out, Quintin would. Because Quintin is in charge of payroll for the University. And HR. And security, communications, and property services. Quintin currently holds 36 different positions in the Clocktower, working them all simultaneously from home, and circulating emails between his various roles in a dizzying dance of deception.

Confidential documents obtained by Critic Te Ārohi show that the young student politician has single-handedly been the driving force behind the University’s $60 million deficit. Over the last two years, he has applied for (and been given) dozens of newly-created middle management jobs. Critically, every one of these positions can be done remotely as the University moves online to reduce building costs.