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UNIVERSITY OF QUINDIO School of Education Modern Languages Program Strict Parents Cause Frustration and Failure to Their Children’s Life Plan.
Ángela Daniela Arango Centeno
Armenia – Quindío 2013
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INTRODUCTION “No child wants to live in a home that's 'nothing but rules”1. Since rules are not explained to children, it would not provide a progress or a good result. Nowadays, one of the principal problems between parents and children is that they do not have a good communication and confidence either. This generates that the family breaks up and begins having a monotonous life. Which, everyone just thinks about their own benefit. Besides, this causes strong arguments among family members and in this way they start losing respect forward each other. Moreover, mother and father are in charge of their children’s education, this means that an individual’s life depends on his family because they teach and educate him according to their culture or values, which, the individual can differ between the good and the bad. For a long time parent’s word have been considered so important that being against them might be the worst thing a human being can do. Teenagers have many difficulties in the process of growing and maturing, parents are needed most of the time for them to have a good perform and not to make too many mistakes, or something that might change their lives forever and cannot be improved and they might render the rest of their lives. Another important aspect is that each person has goals and dreams to perform, something that is very important in the life because a life plan is a fundamental reason to progress in the life and achieve everything people wish, on the other hand, parents have the most important role because they make of their children what they want, everything in their children’s lives depend on them. Taking into account these reasons and many others we can say that strict parents cause frustration and failure of their children’s life plan. 1http://www.wikihow.com/Survive-Strict-Parents
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BODY The first reason why strict parents affect their kid’s life plan it is because they impose their will without thinking or minding what their children want or think. When parents obligate their children to be someone they do not want to, it might produce frustration and failure in their lives because parents do not give their kids the opportunity of making decisions and solve different kind of situations by their own. For this reason, it is very important that children are independent and able to make their own decisions, besides it provides autonomy and let them have an own opinion. On the other hand, comprehension and dialog are fundamental and very necessary to avoid arguments and understand better what teenagers want for their lives, no matter if parents are not in agreement with their children’s decisions, what really matters is the communication and they way that parents use to educate their children. In conclusion, strict parents have to consider and overcoat tolerate their children´s opinions and make feel their children important and worthy for them.
Strict parents have a very particular behavior at the moment of educating their children. First, strict parents are very aggressive and they do not understand what their children want or feel. For instance, radical parents do not let their children give their opinions about decisions that have to do with their lives, they say that parents are the only ones who are right and besides they have enough experience to decide what is good or bad
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for their children. Second, Authoritarian parents do not give affection and love to their children. Moreover, this kind of parents is not willing to share time with their children and to pay attention to what they need and help them with any problem they have. Finally, strict parents only use punishment to keep order and they say that “only parents have rights� and the only one method they use to communicate with them is scolding because of not following the rules parents set. This kind of behavior affects children at the moment of socializing with other people, they feel ashamed of doing something wrong and they have no idea how to communicate with others. It causes that people ignore them because they do not dare to share and socialize with others. Also, children might feel depression due to they do not have friends who make them feel better and have a good time, so they start feeling alone and sad.
When parents just had their children, they take care of them, give everything they need, protect from dangers and also they pamper their kids a lot. Then when children grow up and begin seeing and knowing the world in a different way, parents do not realize that their children are adolescents and they have doubts, problems and many questions, which parents should solve and in this way avoid that teenagers make mistakes that in a future they might render. On the contrary, what strict parents do is restricting their children from having friends, going to parties or being free to make their own decisions, they inform to their children that they most check everything they do and how they do it. This makes that teenagers feel sick and tired of being controlled by their parents, start becoming rebellious and try to show their parents they are like angels when they are in front of them, but when
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they go out with their friends the way they behave is totally different. Even a teenager who is controlled by their parents tends to make more mistakes than one who is not. Radical parents believe that the fact of having a high control on their children helps to discipline and make that their children become perfect and successful. But on the contrary, what this control might cause is that teenagers have a low self-esteem because they do not trust in their parents and feel ashamed of telling them what they really want for their lives. In the book human development it is talked about the influence that parents have on their children at the moment of making decisions, which parents become judges of their children’s life, to such an extent that mothers and fathers manage their children like puppets and do not let them be autonomous. For instance, the authors Maria Carmen Moreno and Rosario Cubero mentioned some important aspects about strict parent’s behavior. They said that parents who have a high control on their children are the ones who try to influence on their children’s behavior in order to instill some determined standards in their children and parents use different strategies to apply the control, for example, they use physical punishment or sometimes they threaten them taking off material things. Another strategy that strict parents use is to say to their kids that they do not love them and do not give them affection. The last source radical parents use to keep order is to compel their children to reflect about their mistakes, and making them to know the consequences that their behavior might has. On the other hand, those kids who are compelled to obey only what mother and father impose to them tend to be more rebellious and have double personality due to that they feel frustrated because they cannot do what they wish, but at the same time they are not able to face the situation with their parents, so they hide their real feelings and when
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they have the opportunity of misbehaving they do it, and they become even rebellious than a kid who is educated in a different way, kids tend to be very liar and show to their parents that they are very judicious and “perfect”. Furthermore, radical parents make that as their children are growing feel that they are not worthy for their parent, so they feel very depressed and sad, and might begin to look for love in all wrong places. For instance, kids might lose the value of life and start consuming drugs or even they might commit suicide. For example: Studies of Spanish and Brazilian adolescents have reported that teens from authoritarian homes had lower self-esteem than did teens from authoritative or permissive families (Martinez and Garcia 2007; Martinez and Garcia 2008). German researchers found that teens with authoritarian parents were more likely to suffer from trait anxiety. They were also more likely to experience depersonalization, the feeling of watching oneself act without being in control of one’s actions (Wolfradt et al 2003). And research in China suggests that kids with harsh parents have more trouble regulating their emotions (Chang 2003; Wang et al 2006).2
There are different arguments against the way strict parents use to educate their children. One of the reasons against radical parents is given by Susan Newman, a social psychologist in Middlesex County, N.J, she says: “Allow your child to explain his or her mistake/error in not adhering to a rule, because not giving a child a chance to be heard will probably result in the opposite of what you are trying to teach.” She considers that this helps to improve the communication avec the adolescences and their parents. Furthermore, 2http://www.parentingscience.com/authoritarian-parenting.html
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it provides more confidence and respect among the family members. Another opinion that is in disagreement with radical parents is given by a research study on discipline shows that authoritarian parents produce that children have a lower self-esteem and behave worse than other kids, which causes that kids have behavior problems. Finally, Dr. Laura Markham made an analysis about what is wrong with strict parenting; she says that this type of parenting does not let kids to internalize self-discipline and responsibility because they are used to depending on their parents in everything they have to do. Moreover, nobody likes to be controlled and for this reason children express their wrath and they reject the limits and rules that their parents impose them and in this way they lose the “locus of control� which means the control that the person assume about his behavior and what occurs during his life. Children need to have independence and responsibilities to be autonomous and be able to make decisions by themselves. Besides, authoritarian parenting is based on making children feel fear of breaking rules and of misbehaving and at the same time it teaches children to bully, which means that they are going to become aggressive, embittered, and even they become have tendencies toward anger and depression. This happens just because they adopt or get use to behave as their parents do and their parents do not help them to figure out what is going wrong with them. So, children are left alone trying to overcome their difficulties and problems. In this way children learn how to obey, but they are not able to think by themselves because they think that authority is right.
Strict parents use to ask their children to be very mature and act as adults do. But at the same time radical parents inform to their kids that they are the only ones who are right and
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that they must do what their mother and father want them to do just because of the fact that they are still living with their parents and they are only children. So it confuses children because mother and father want them to be mature but they do not let kids to achieve by their own ways.This kind of parents does not take into account that they were kids and teenagers too, and they cause that in a future they children are not able to do anything by themselves because they do not have any idea how to do it and they have never experienced it either. This happens because strict parents do not pay attention to what their children want or feel and make their children understand the outcome of drugs and the information they need to know about sex, in order to not make mistakes, but it’s important to say that parents can learn from their children too if they listen to their kids. For this reason, it is very important that mother and father educated their kids asking them for being responsible, but at the same time giving them the opportunity to do it by their own way. This might provide good results if parents become friends of their children and teach them that not everything people wish in life can be possible at once, on the contrary people need discipline and patience to achieve their dreams, sometimes the most important is not be the best, but keep on going. On the other hand, it is very necessary to have a family meeting and listen each; this is an excellent way to solve many difficulties among the family members. At the same time children might feel their opinion is worthy of their parents and they have to right to say whether they agree or not.
Joel Norris describes in his book the violence cycles as generational:� Parents who abuse of their children physically and mentally cause that their kids become aggressive,
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something that children will use as a first option to solve personal problems.”Alberto Restrepo Gonzales who was a priest and columnist of the publishing house “El Colombiano” says “will it be childhood and the youth of the 21st century do not want to customize, take responsibility, assume values, love, and listen to their parents or will it be that dads and moms of the third millennium have not been able to understand the world in which they have corresponded to be parents?” so, if parents do not understand the world in which their children live, it’s impossible to clarify their identity, assume their world, and get used to live in that culture.In the book “The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Teenagers” it is explained the process which parents become indifferent to their children at the moment they begin to experiment the changes of adolescence and the lack of affection with them. This behavior affects the communication among the family members.For this reason, the most important is that parents take into account that the adolescence is one of the most difficult times in the life and they cannot pretend that their children are going to think as they do.Parents have to help and advise their children and to be open to discussion and try to understand what they are living and feeling without compelling them to do something they do not feel like. Mother and father should let their children to make some mistakes, but setting limits and showing them the consequences of that in a positive way.
In short, the most important is not to be perfect, but to do what really make us happy. Strict parents need to understand that their children are very different from them and for this reason they think and perceive life in a very different way. Therefore, parents should
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listen to their kids and take into account their thoughts because it provides confidence among them and permits that parents know what is going with their kids and it also helps parents to advise their children and avoid that they make mistakes.
The second reason why strict parents cause damage to their children is due to they feel frustrated and want their children to be what they could not be. Radical parents are afraid that their kids repeat the same they lived when they were children because parents did not think about future and got carried by feelings without considering consequences. For this reason, they try to protect their children from dangers, but they do not consider their children´s opinion and the reason they give is that they have enough experience to know what is good or not for their kids. On the other hand, strict parents tend to be very perfectionist and ask their children to be excellent in all aspects. In the book perfectionism syndrome it is said solutions and chief symptoms of this illness, which not only affects to the person, but all his family, this is manifested through behaviors that might lead to the madness. Dr. à lvarez says that those people who are perfectionist are characterized by their conduct, which is very excessive. Besides, this kind of people tends to be inflexible and very strict themselves and with everything they do, they also suffer depression, obsession, anxiety, and mental disorders.
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The fact that parents take a strong control on their children is caused mainly by the way they were treated when during their childhood and the environment that surrounded them. Another important fact is that radical parents did not have opportunities during their youth, something that led them to fail and ruin their lives because their parents were pretty strict with them too; this is the main reason why strict parents feel afraid that their children repeat the same story they live and for this reason they compel their children to be what they wish. Cultural traditions are one of the principal causes of strict parenting. Many of radical parents grew up thinking that if they did something different of what their parents’ will it would be like the end of the world. For this reason, this kind of parents are very paranoid and this is due to they feel afraid of losing control on their children and they want their children to always be next to them. It can be also because parents have childhood traumas because their parents did not know how to educate them. Also, strict parents want that their children do not suffer as them to get money and a good job, and for this reason they compel their kids to study something that can provide money easily.
According to Bandura (1996) many aspects, such as: economic condition, parents’ beliefs and their influence on their kids, affect the way they apply to educate their children. Due to the fact, radical parents think they have all the abilities to improve their children´s performance not only at school, but in everything they do in life. This causes that mother and father expect the best from their children and do not let them get wrong and learn from their mistakes.
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In conclusion, strict parents ought to understand that life changes and what they thought was right before now it is not. Besides, radical parents have to consider that they are not right about every rule they impose to their kids because they also need to take control of their lives and have the opportunity they are able to do it without any type of pressure. In addition, strict parents have to take into account that they were children too and they dreamed of being someone that was to their liking and not their parents’ likes.
COUNTER ARGUMENTS
There are many cases which many people who have been controlled by their parents have been successful because they have only followed and perform their parents’ will. Most of those people think that parents are the only ones who know what is good or bad for their children and besides that parents have enough experience to know how their children should be. For instance, in an article written by Robert Richard, it is said that in China parents are very strict with their kids and that this discipline is what permits their kids to be very successful in a future. It also mentions that strict parents love their kids and because of that they set rules and boundaries in order to teach them to be disciplined and responsible, something that is going to help them in the future.
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According to a new study, authoritarian parents are the most suitable to educate children because they avoid that teenager become delinquents or disrespectful, something that is very common nowadays. Trinkner says: “The best approach, from my perspective, is to be an authoritative parent. This means having the discipline and standards for behavior and also showing warmth and also being receptive to a child's needs.” Dr Miguelina German explained “attachment theory” that occurs when mother and father try to protect their kids because they love them and want the best things for their lives. Dr. German also affirms that the use of harsh discipline does not cause any bad consequence in children because they understand that their parents love them and on the contrary they have a very good behavior.
ARGUMENTS IN FAVOUR It is true there are many people who have been very successful just following their parents will, but there is something that is right too, those people never are going to have happiness because they never are going to forget what they wished to be and do in life and they could not do because of their parents. Besides, that hollow and frustration do not let them be totally happy and they never are going to get over it. On the other hand, western parents consider that it is important to teach kids that learning is fun and force them to be excellent at the school because it is believed that a lack of success means that they are not good parents. But this is not a good way to teach kids to be responsible and disciplined because instead of becoming their kids successful, strict parents make that their children
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feel scared of doing something wrong. The following examples show how strict parents affect their children at the moment of socializing.
The United States. Widely-cited studies of American adolescents have reported that teens with authoritarian parents were the least likely to feel socially accepted by their peers. They were also rated as less self-reliant (Lamborn et al 1991; Steinberg et al 1992; Steinberg et al 1994). China. One study of 2nd graders in Beijing found that kids from authoritarian families were rated as less socially competent by their teachers. They were also more aggressive and less likely to be accepted by their peers (Chen et al 1997). Other Chinese research has linked the punitive aspects of authoritarianism with poorer social functioning (Zhou et al 2004). Cyprus. When researchers questioned 231 young adolescents about their cultural values and experiences with peers, they found that kids from authoritarian homes were more likely to have experienced bullying -- both as victims and perpetrators (Georgiou et al 2013). Turkey. In a study of Turkish high school students, kids from authoritarian families were rated as less resourceful than kids from authoritarian or permissive parents (Turkel and Tzer 2008). South America and Spain. Researchers in Latin cultures report that authoritarian parents are more likely to have kids with low social competence (Martinez et al 2007; Garcia and Gracia 2009).The Netherlands. In Dutch studies, kids with authoritarian parents were rated as less helpful and less popular by their
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teachers and classmates. They were also rated as less mature in their reasoning about moral
issues (Dekovic and Jannsens 1992; Jannsens and Dekovic 1997).
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According to Piaget, at the age of 10 years children begin to realize they have an own opinion and thought, therefore, they feel able to make an agreement with their parents and decide what is acceptable or not for them and for society in terms of laws, so this means that they are aware that the rules that are set by the authority cannot be challenged or changed. Furthermore, children are able to differ between the right and wrong.
CONCLUSIONS The fact of imposing does not assure a good future. Each person is the only one affected because of their decisions, since in time nobody is going to care what happens in our lives. Mother and father should have a positive relationship with their kids and both sides need to gain respect and confidence because without them family environment would 3http://www.parentingscience.com/authoritarian-parenting.html
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be a total disaster. Educating does not mean imposing or compelling, but advising based on values and companying children in the process of discovering their identity, autonomy and freedom teenagers have to face their problems. Besides, educating is a process that does not depend only on parents, but it is a construction, which both parents and children learn from each other and make an agreement that provides solutions and answers to their difficulties. Therefore, strict parents need to keep an open mind with the events their children live and with what they feel. In conclusion, forcing children to be or do something they do not feel like just makes kids feel frustrated and at the same time it makes that they feel that they are nothing without their parents because they are the ones who do everything for them.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
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Diane E. Papalina, Sally WendkosOlds, Ruth DuskinFeldman LibroDesarrollo Humano, octava edici贸n. WEBGRAPHY http://www.parentingscience.com/authoritarian-parenting.html http://bellezaslatinas.com/ser-padres/padres-estrictos-con-sus-hijos http://sindromedelperfeccionista.com/ http://www.aboutourkids.org/articles/formas_de_criar_los_hijostemperamento_de_los_hijo s_la_combinacion http://radio.rpp.com.pe/dialogodefe/los-padres-no-pueden-dejar-la-educacion-de-sus-hijosen-manos-del-estado/ http://www.asesinatoserial.net/padres.htm http://www.girlishh.com/effects-of-strict-parenting/ http://www.cvs.k12.mi.us/askrocki/Parenting%20Styles.pdf