David’s Camp Magazine
issued in the UK
Free | Sept/Oct 2016
Showing the way, the truth, and the life...John 14:6
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DARE DAVID Close-up with Dallas based exceptionally gifted & anointed gospel artiste, Dare David
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A PRESCRIPTION FOR PROCRASTINATOR PAGE 5
10 THINGS PASTORS ABSOLUTELY HATE TO ADMIT PUBLICLY
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LET’S TALK ABOUT HEALTH
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Things MARRIAGE is & isn’t PAGE 10
WHEN REALITY CONTRADICTS PROPHECY
Letter From
David’s camp Magazine
THE EDITOR F
ew days ago, late in the night, I was out at the park, prayerwalking. I was interceding for a mom of a baby sister’s friend who was at the brink of death. In the intense of the prayers, I began to say, “Father, You that raised Lazarus from the dead after four days, there is nothing You cannot do. Please, heal this woman; take her off the life-support machine.” Suddenly, the question jumped out in my spirit, “by the way, how did Jesus raise Lazarus from the dead after FOUR long days? In fact, the Bible says Lazarus corpse was already stinking.” ( John 11:38-44) Here’s the answer I got while I had to temporarily stopped praying and receive this information I’m now sharing with you. I thought I heard Holy Spirit said, “Whenever Jesus calls someone, either to heal or send the person out on an assignment or perform a task, He takes care of their past first. That is, immediately He calls you, Jesus wiped off your past, no matter how bad, dead, disgusting, unheard of, your past history might have been. He just wiped it all off.” For instance, in Mark 10:46-52, immediately the Bible says, “Jesus stood still and asked that blind Bartimaeus be brought to him”, He already healed the blind man even before Bartimaeus got to Jesus. Little wonder, Jesus never touched blind Bartimaeus. He just said, “Go your way; your faith has made you well.” And immediately he received his sight (vs 52). As soon as the Saviour called him, the healing power of God went into action and healed the guy instantly. Have you ever wondered, “How was blind Bartimaeus able to walk through the crowd and get to Jesus unaided?” At least we were never told any of the disciple held him and took him to Jesus. The answer is simple: The guy already received his sight! In John 11:43, the Bible says Jesus shouted, “Lazarus, come forth!” Jesus never touched Lazarus, washed him in River Jordan or laid holy hands on Him. Immediately He called Lazarus, the resurrection power of God went into action and raised the dead man after four odd days in the grave. The Bible says in Psalm 107:20 (NIV)...”He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.” This is why when God calls anyone into ministry or gives you a calling, He already wiped off your ‘not too glorious’ past story. People who knew you as a fornicator, liar, adulterer, murderer, cheater and all sorts, still see you that way but they are not aware the One that calls you as wiped off your past criminal records. By the time I finished receiving this information on my prayer walk, I realised I was at my door. That was the end of the prayer walk. I just went to bed ruminating on the revelation I’m now sharing with you. I pray may Jesus call you today and wipe off any unscrupulous past you have in Jesus name. 2
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Oluwole David Editor in Chief
God indeed is opening new doors, breaking new grounds for the spread of His gospel as we expand our evangelism scope. There are not only hard copies of the magazines in Africa, Europe but now in America. In this edition, there is a section enlightening everyone of us about our health. Like they say, “health is wealth.” Special thanks to Eniola Israel for coming on board to be a blessing. She is a qualified Public Health Practitioner who is based in London. She is also a seasoned and experienced public speaker who is well versed in health matters. I recommend her to every church or organisation who needs deeper understanding about staying healthy. She can be reached by email: healthytalkwithrachael@yahoo.com This edition also features the exceptionally gifted and anointed Dallasbased Dare David, a true minister of God in the gospel music industry. Very few like him still exist in our generation. You will also undoubtedly be blessed by other writers in this edition as we approach the end of the year. Every blessing. Oluwole David
Associate Editors Bayo Coker, Olamide Ajayi
Contributing Writers Olamide Ajayi
Oluwole David Matt Boswell Eniola Israel
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PURPOSE
LET’S TALK ABOUT HEALTH
with Eniola Israel
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o look and feel your best at every age, it is important to make smart lifestyle and healthy choices. Here are simple things that everyone can do every day (or with regularity) to ensure good health. If you are what you eat, it follows that you want to stick to a healthy diet that’s well balanced. Healthy Diet: The Building Blocks It has been suggested that for a healthy diet each day you should eat: • Eat lots of grains. These include bread, cereal, rice, and pasta, and at least 3 servings should be from whole grains. Eat whole grains and high-fibre foods. Save fat-laden baked foods such as croissants, muffins, and donuts for an occasional treat. • Eat your 5 a day fruits & vegetables every day. Most fruits & vegetables are naturally low in fat, making them a great addition to your healthy diet. Fruits and vegetables also provide the fibre, vitamins, and minerals you need for your body’s systems to function at peak performance. Fruits and vegetables also will add flavour to a healthy diet. It’s best to serve them fresh, steamed, or cut up in salads. Be sure to skip the calorieladen toppings, butter, and mayonnaise, except on occasion. Healthy eating will help you maintain a proper weight for your height, which is important because being overweight can lead to a number of illnesses. Looking for a healthy snack? Try some raw vegetables, such as celery, carrots, broccoli, cucumbers, or zucchini with dip made from low-fat yogurt. If you’re not getting enough vitamins and nutrients in your diet, you might want to take a multivitamin and a calcium supplement to make sure you’re maintaining good health. • Servings of milk, yogurt, and cheese. Choose dairy products wisely. Include low-fat dairy products in your diet as well — depending on your age, you need between 800 and 1,500 milligrams of calcium daily to help avoid osteoporosis. Substitute yogurt for sour cream in many recipes and no one will notice the difference. • Servings of meat, poultry, fish, dry beans, eggs, and nuts. For a healthy diet, the best ways to prepare beef, pork, veal, lamb, poultry, and fish is to grill or boil them. Look for the words “loin” or “round” in cuts of meats because they’re the leanest.
Remove all visible fat or skin before cooking and season with herbs, spices, and fat-free marinades. Some crossover foods such as dried beans, lentils, and peanut butter can provide protein without the animal fat and cholesterol you get from meats. • Use fats, oils, and sweets sparingly. No diet should totally eliminate any one food group, even fats, oils, and sweets. It’s fine to include them in your diet as long as it’s on occasion and in moderation. • Eat Right and the Right Amount The amount of calories you need in a day depends on your sex, age, body type, and how active you are. Generally, active children ages 2 to 8 need between 1,400 and 2,000 calories a day. Active teenage girls and women can consume about 2,200 calories a day without gaining weight. Teenage boys and men who are very active should consume about 3,000 calories a day to maintain their weight. If you’re not active, your calorie needs to drop by 400 to 600 calories a day. Avoid foods and beverages that are high in calories, sugar, salt, and fat. “The best way to know how much to eat is to listen to your body”, says Donald Novey, MD, an integrative medicine physician. “Pull away from the table when you’re comfortable but not yet full. Wait about 20 minutes,” he says. “Usually your body says, ‘That’s good.’ If you’re still hungry after that, you might want to eat a little more.” • Regular Exercise Is Important. Exercise is an important component of a well-balanced diet and good nutrition. You can reap fabulous rewards just by exercising and eating a healthy diet of foods that nature provides. Heart disease is the leading cause of death among women in America, but plenty of exercise can help keep your heart healthy. You want to exercise at least 30 minutes a day, five days a week, if not every day. Aerobic exercises (brisk walking, swimming, jogging, cycling, and dancing) are good for everyone’s health in general and especially for your heart Rachael Eniola Israel is a qualified Public Health Practitioner who is based in London. She is also a seasoned and experienced public speaker who is well versed in health matters. She can be reached through her email:healthytalkwithrachael@yahoo.com
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A PRESCRIPTION FOR PROCRASTINATOR -BY OLAMIDE AJAYI A Certified leadership development and Entrepreneurship Expert
Often times, when we put things off, it’s not because we are cursed with a lazy attitude or unaware of the implications of our inaction, it’s often because other things (including nothing) call for our attention. It will interest you to know that there’s a fascinating relationship between our eyes and our brain. Our eyes are easily captivated by the things around us while our brains are designed for response. So procrastination happens when the eyes is carried away by side attractions thus influencing the brain to follow suit, which then leaves you putting off what you ought to do at the time you ought to do it. In this write up, I seek to provide what I believe is a fine program that could help you overcome procrastination and push you out of ‘someday Island’. Let me ask you, which do you put first---Motivation or Productive action? Most of us wouldn’t think twice before we shout ‘Motivation’ because, we often wait till we are motivated before we do something and when the motivation is not forth coming, we say things such as; “I don’t feel like it”. “My mood is low so I can’t be bothered now”. “There’s still time, I will do it later” and the list goes on and on. My friend, motivations are cardinal to most successes and we can’t live without them. However, if you wait until you are motivated, you could be sliding yourself gradually to a state of regret and non-achievement. Therefore, ‘productive action’ must precede ‘motivation’. You have to prime the pump by getting started whether you feel like it or not. What happens, when you keep sweeping the dirt under the carpet? Yes, the carpet may rise but that could also be your tripping point. Apart from managing distractions, there are other things which if you learn, would very much help you overcome procrastination. 1. I have to Vs I want to: Come to think of it, there’s absolutely nothing that we “Have” 4
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to do. If we do it, it’s because we “Want” to do it or we “choose to do it” “Have to” attitude is negative, because it makes us feel that if we don’t do it, there’s trouble awaiting. In his book “Smart Talk”, Lou Tice said; “an attitude is an emotional predisposition to a situation or stimulus”. So an attitude is the direction in which you learn. If you learn on “I have to do it” as against “I want to do it”, you will not take action because you are driven by consequences and if you can’t take action, you would get to a place where you give up and then say “can’t be bothered” but if you learn toward “I want to” then you are calling upon your willpower to aid your resolve, which means the chances of getting up and doing it is high. That means, you are reward focused. What is it that you really would love to do now? Why are you not doing it? Let’s say you’d like to lose weight but keep procrastinating of going to the gym, if you always see consequences such as; “I may die if I don’t lose weight, “People will continue to treat me like a lazy bloke”, “I may not get a perfect man/woman to marry” you will never get a chance to go to the gym but if you switch to “reward” such as; “I want to lose weight because... “I want to see myself in a different shape”, “I want to burn extra fats which may not be good for my body”, “I want to participate in the game of rounders’ in my church”. These statements are reward driven and they would spur you to take action. So don’t be driven by consequences but by rewards. 2. Set Goals: Goal setting is key to minimizing if not eradicating procrastination. In your goal setting, make a list of the things which are urgent, important, necessary and less important. Bearing in mind that you will only be driven by rewards and not consequences, check each of them against the rewards they bring you. Something can be urgent but brings little or no rewards either to you or to others, in that case, you may have to place premium on importance than urgency or vice versa depending on the rewards they bring. If you daily set goals, you will be much closer to achieving them than not setting them. In my practice as a business Coach, I have seen many
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students at my seminars who tell me that they had their goals in their head and thus knowing everything they wanted to achieve each day. These same people are always at the very bottom of everything. You therefore must understand that to achieve any goal, it must be written and cross checked time to time before the day is over. 3. Don’t wait for a sign: My advice is you don’t wait until it all looks good to go before you go. Why? Because “Perfect Time” is non-existent. It’s pretty much like waiting for a sign before you take the first step. Sometimes, we suffer great heartache because of procrastination. For example, someone have wanted to tell their mother, father, or someone close to them how much they loved them and appreciated them but they waited too long, they wanted to seize the perfect time and then make a move and that person died before they had the chance. The same thing has happened to family members who were angry at one another and then one day they decide their differences aren’t worth keeping them separated from each other but the decision comes too late and the person dies without ever knowing that you had forgiven them. The British ambassador Nolbert Quayle said, “Only a few minutes’ delay cost him his life, his honor, and the liberty of his soldiers. Earth’s history is strewn with the wrecks of half-finished plans and unexecuted resolutions. ‘Tomorrow’ is the excuse of the lazy and refuge of the incompetent.” Never wait for a sign; be the sign you seek and you will learn fast that your life will move the upward direction because you would leave only a very few things undone as you would have achieved major and most important things around your life. So go ahead and make that call now; write that business proposal now; speak to that girl/boy now; talk to your boss now; write that book now; start that course now. Don’t wait for a sign, you are not a magician. Make it happen now and you will notice a difference with your life. To cap it up, let me leave you with the advice of apostle Paul in 2 Corinthians 6:2 “For he says, “In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you.” I tell you, NOW is the time of God’s favor, NOW is the day of salvation”. I hope this helps. God bless
MINISTRY
10 THINGS PASTORS ABSOLUTELY HATE TO ADMIT PUBLICLY BY MATT BOSWELL
This hard-to-admit list can give you practical insights in how to pray for your pastors.
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hen Ellen and I were first married, ministry was not our 20-year plan, the Navy was. We had it all planned out; we were to spend the next 20 years with me being gone for 15. The Navy explained to my sweet new bride how grueling it would be, that I would be gone often and that even when I was around my mind would be elsewhere. Knowing that my particular career path in the Navy would be a marriage destroyer, I pursued a discharge for the pursuit of higher education. With the promise of a difficult future behind us, we embarked upon an easier dream where everyone would love us and things would be calm: pastoral service. Twenty-plus years later, I can tell you it has been a ride we never could have anticipated. So much so that only now do I feel equipped enough to share a few things I either lacked the clarity or courage to share until this season of life. I want to share the 10 things we as pastors don’t really want you to know about us. Now, in doing so, my aim is not to rat out my fellow pastors. Nor am I doing this so congregants sleep with one eye open regarding their leadership. My intention is precisely the opposite. I hope that from this: • Churches will pray all the more for their pastors because they understand the challenges. • Churches will be doubly grateful for the fact that so many pastors stay in the saddle despite their fears, hurts and frustrations. • People in churches will think twice before engaging in things that sink deep into the soul of their leaders. Therefore, I give a glimpse into what we as pastors don’t like to admit about ourselves.
1. WE TAKE IT PERSONALLY WHEN YOU LEAVE THE CHURCH. It’s just a straight-up fact. We pastors eat, drink and sleep the local church and with that have a deep desires to see it thrive. Therefore, when you leave to another church because … • You’re bothered by a recent decision, but didn’t ask about it … • The new church has a bigger and better kids wing, youth group, worship team, building space, (fill in your blank) … • Your friends started going there … … it hits us personally. For us it feels disloyal, shallow or consumer driven. People affirm that church is a family, thus when you up and leave because the church down the road has Slurpee dispensers, a fog machine or it’s just cooler, well, it jams us pretty deep. 2. WE FEEL PRESSURE TO PERFORM WEEK AFTER WEEK. The average TV show has a multimillion-dollar budget, a staff of writers and only airs 22 weeks out of the year; that’s what we feel we’re up against. Where the pressure is doubled comes from the previous point. We know there are churches near by with a multimillion-dollar budget or a celebrity pastor who have the ability to do many more things at a much higher level. From this, a sense of urgency is created in our mind to establish the same level of quality, option and excellence to meet the consumerist desires of culture. Now if this were exclusively in the hopes of reaching new people, this wouldn’t be so bad, but increasingly pastors feel the need to do this just to retain people who may be stuff-struck by the “Bigger and Better” down the way. 3. WE STRUGGLE WITH GETTING OUR WORTH FROM MINISTRY.
When the numbers are up, the compliments are flowing and the people are lively, we feel great. When everything is level, it feels like it’s in decline. When things are actually in decline, it’s a full-tilt tailspin in our soul. We almost can’t help but equate the growth of the church with our ability/ inability to produce growth. Therefore, if there is any appearance of waning, we feel defeated and wonder how long before the church board wises up and trades us to another team. The “Idol of Ministry” comes on and off the shelf pretty regularly in a pastor’s office.
4. WE REGULARLY THINK ABOUT QUITTING. This comes in two very different forms. One form is the variation of perhaps leaving ministry altogether. While there are some really great things about vocational ministry, there are also less enjoyable realities such as: pastors’ families are noticed (i.e., judged) routinely, pastors’ purchases are observed (i.e., judged) overtly and pastors’ words are weighed (i.e., judged) consistently. Therefore, the ability to hide among the masses and not be noticed is very appealing. The second form comes with the desire for a change of scenery. Pastors are shepherds, thus we love greener grass even more than sheep. To leave for a bigger budget, better building or a place with less difficult people (yeah, we get delusional sometimes) stands out as lush Kentucky Bluegrass when contrasted with the dusty patch of ragged earth called “our current church.” This “Greener-Grass Gawking” usually occurs when we become too proud (“My gifts are better than this place”) or too insecure (“I stink and just need to start over”) and flows from #3. 5. WE SAY WE ARE TRANSPARENT— IT’S ACTUALLY OPAQUE. Today, pastors are generally more open about their struggles than Continued on page 11
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» Star Influence of our Time EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH
DARE DAVID
1.
Who is Dare David, how did he get into music and end up a gospel artiste?
My name is Dare David. I’m a born again child of God, a music minister and also a music producer/studio sound engineer. I’m also a music/choir director. I’m originally from Nigeria but now based in the United States. I presently have a music production outfit here in the U.S “DVIBES MEDIA.” I’m married and we are blessed with a daughter. I came in contact with music from my childhood in church. I was born in a parish of The Redeemed Christian Church of God in Abeokuta, Ogun State, Nigeria. It was a small church where everyone had to be involved in doing something for God, so I was drafted into the choir at a very early age. I started from the children’s choir around age 6 and then I started playing musical instruments. The first instrument the church could afford then was shakers called “Sekere” in Yoruba language, lol. I played that for a while, and later we were able to afford a set of local congas, so I moved to that too, and later to main drum set, then Keyboard, Bass guitar and I upgraded to learn all these instruments as the church was buying them and eventually started
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singing along the way. I thought it was all a hobby all the while, but I knew I had a very deep passion to do it very well even at a very young age. I stayed in church for most part of my teenage years, serving or learning an instrument, so I took it serious eventually when I discovered it was God’s calling and I have a calling to fulfil. I learnt from a whole lot of people and also went to school to study music a little bit so as to have more knowledge of the art. I studied music at the Obafemi Awolowo University, Ile-Ife, Nigeria and also Media Technology at School of Audio Engineering (SAE), Kualar Lumpur, Malaysia. intimate us with some of your projects, albums 2. Kindly, you’ve produced for yourself and others? I have produced the following albums for myself: ‘You be God’ - Released in Nigeria 2009 ‘Do me well’ - re-
leased in Malaysia 2011 ‘Number One Praise and worship’ - Released in Nigeria and US 2012 ‘Open Doors’ -Released in US 2013 ‘Number one Praise and worship Vol 2’ - Released in Nigeria and US 2014 ‘Open Door Live recording’- Released in US 2015 I produced the following songs and albums for other artists: ‘To Declare’ - Kenny Kore (Nigeria) ‘Gbagoro’ - Henrisoul (Nigeria) ‘There’s a God’ (The whole album) - Otas Ewere (Malaysia) ‘Truth Unsung’ (The whole album) - Dafidi (Malaysia) ‘Atewo’ - Bumie Dada (US) ‘Komole’ - Stacy Egbo (US) ‘Ej - Unveiled’ (The whole album, US) ‘Songi Nawa’ - (The whole album)...and many more. Waoh! Great achievement. Isn’t it possible and easy for anybody to be a gospel artiste? I mean as
3. long as you can sing with sweet voice even without the calling or anointing.
It’s actually possible, but the calling and the anointing over the life of a man speaks a whole lot and make a big difference. The calling and the anointing makes ministry to be without struggle and makes one to be able to stand the test of time. Without the calling, many people will give up at the sight of challenges. Many people have sweet voices and can sing, but what brings about divine encounter and transformation in the lives of people during ministrations is more than that, its the grace and anointing over the life of a man. What are the challenges facing the gospel artistes of our generation? You can please expatiate with
4. the challenges you have faced, personally.
Ummm! There are many challenges one faces as a gospel artiste. I will mention the ones I think are major. Marketing - There are very few great gospel marketing networks, many mainstream marketing outfits will rather promote a secular artiste than a gospel artiste because they think they will have more reach and make more money, or they advice you not to mention Jesus or God so you can sell more which is totally non-gospel, because JESUS is the gospel,He is our message. Promotion- Promotions makes a song go far. Many artistes have good songs, but no avenue to promote them. Many major magazines, TV stations, Radio stations, Blogs will not play your songs if you don’t pay, it doesn’t matter how good you are, until maybe God helps you somehow and everyone is talking about your song, then they can join to celebrate you. Many gospel artistes are really struggling. Thank God for social media these days, it’s been very helpful. Finances - Good and quality music requires a lot of money, from audio production to making very good videos, distributions, concerts. Most gospel artistes can’t afford to work with good producers or video directors because of funding. Many christians still will not want to buy a gospel CD but prefer to download for free online. Personally one of the challenges I face is peculiar because I’m a Nigerian based in the US, and I’m trying to break into the US market. It’s a major task because the US has their gospel music industry so set up in a way that it’s hard for outsiders to break into. You’ll see not many Africans or any other culture has been able to, although gradually the attention is shifting to Africa and they are paying some more attention to our music, they now discover our songs are very anointed too, but we need to break into the US gospel music industry, the more. I trust God to Open more doors in that aspect. God has been faithful, like we know. He makes provision for every vision that He gives, but of course I need more marketing strategy, more networking, more promotions all over the world, more sponsors for our concerts. There are many things to be done, many videos to record but we trust God to supply every need according to His riches in Glory.
5.
Do you think the gospel artistes of our time get the recognition and appreciation they deserve just like the Levites of the Bible days?
I think some are getting the kind of recognition and appreciation they deserve while some are not. Most people or churches appreciate an artiste based on how popular they are and not how anointed or good they are and I sincerely think this is not right. Every genuine vessel of God should be appreciated well, but what I tell everyone is to seek God more, He is the best rewarder and He is the only one that can lift a man up.
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6.
You were recently on a tour to Canada & South Korea. Can you please share your experience with us about the culture and their perception of gospel music?
Yeah! I was in Canada in June this year, and I just returned from South Korea few days ago to the glory of God. Its an awesome experience to be able to share one’s songs with people from other countries and culture. South Korea was so peculiar because most people speak very little English, so I had
9.
What are your plans for the future? What should followers of your ministry be looking forward to in the coming years?
Future plans- I’m working on a new project like I mentioned earlier, the whole album for “Let Your glory Fall.” We should be looking at the end of this year or early next year to release it, by God’s grace. We also have many programs coming up in different states here in the United States and other countries. I’m trusting God to help us create a platform to help a lot of gospel artistes that are called and gifted but don’t have the means to record their songs, its one of my major plans for the future. I also plan to do more concerts/Live recordings in other countries. I presently have an annual concert in the US every year, “Open Doors Concert.” I plan to make it bigger by God’s grace. We ask that people continue to pray for us and to keep supporting our ministry as they’ve been doing. Final word to upcoming, aspiring musicians / gospel
10. artistes and all lovers of your music all over the globe. I advice upcoming acts and aspiring musicians to keep moving and not let anything discourage them. Let no one tell
to learn few songs in their language to be able to connect more. Some of the moment were very humbling, just to see how far God can take a man from nowhere to the end of the world and the opportunity to stand and sing your God-given songs, everyone singing with you, those were great experiences I wont forget. You have undoubtedly released powerful songs that are
7. blessings to millions all over the globe but there is this song, “Let Your Glory Fall” that’s just so full of God’s unction. What’s the inspiration behind writing that song?
Thank You. To God be the glory for every song He has released through me. “Let Your Glory Fall” - In January 2015, I started feeling an hunger in my spirit for a better song than any song I have ever released. I wanted a song I could sing in every country of the world, a song of yearning for more of God, so I started praying and asking God. One of those days, I woke up from sleep and I heard the statement: “Let the glory Fall.” So I knew that
you that its not possible. It may not be easy at the start “but He that has started a good work in you is able to complete it.” Once you are sure that it’s the purpose of God for your life, spend more time with God. Ask for direction, don’t sing what everyone is singing, don’t be in a hurry. Let God lift you up by Himself. Stay humble, God uses humble people and do your best to live right for Jesus. It shows in your ministration, it doesn’t matter how great you sound. A big thank you to David’s Camp Magazine for the interview, and a big thank you to everyone that has supported our ministry from the beginning. We truly appreciate every support. God bless you. Website:www.daredavidmusic.com Instagram:officialdaredavid Twitter:@daredavidUS facebook: Dare David
was the message God wants me to sing about. I started putting other words together with the music and desired a great anointing over the song, and to God be the glory, we have received amazing testimonies about the song so far and many doors are opening also, we are trusting God for more. Its actually going to be the title of our new album coming out soon.
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Are you involved in any other profession or job on the side apart from gospel music? Not at all, I’m into the ministry full time. 8
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12 Things MARRIAGE is & 12 Things it ISN’T - BY DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST, MENTAL HEALTH/MIDLIFE BLOGGER
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hat’s what September 15th meant for me. We had celebrated earlier so I didn’t remember until I was driving to work. I called him. Told him I loved him. I got grocery store flowers when I got home. Beautifully arranged by the way. What ever did we do without grocery store flowers? Between being a marital therapist and my own experience, I have learned a few things. Since I am on year 24, I’ve divided them into 12’s. Just to be cute. 12 Things That Marriage Is Not: 1. Marriage is not for sissies. It’s hard work. 2. Marriage is not about getting what you want all the time. It’s not a dictatorship. It’s not wanting to win all the time because that would mean the other person would lose all the time. May be OK for you. Not good for the marriage. 3. Marriage is not rocket science. The principles it’s based on are really pretty simple. Kindness. Respect. Loyalty. That kind of thing. 4. Marriage is not unfashionable. It stays vital. Even Brangelina must think so.
8. Marriage is not the place for criticism. For abuse. If it is found there, it will ruin any chance of true intimacy or trust and dissolve the hope that once might have existed. 9. Marriage is not a 24-hour repair shop. Your marital partner is not supposed to meet your every need. Some of those needs you may have to take care of, yourself. Through your friendships or other activities. 10. Marriage is not self-sustaining. It does not thrive on its own. If all you focus on is the kids, you are making a mistake. 11. Marriage is not boring. Two lives woven together can be quite exciting! There’s just something about watching someone very different from you, living their life in an extremely different way. Up close and personal. You learn from that. 12. Marriage is not without conflict. Knowing how to disagree and work through anger and disappointment is probably the key to lots of stuff going well. Getting to that cooperating, mentioned in point 2.
5. Marriage is not in and of itself stimulating. Since you are with the same person over a long time, the two of you can get in a rut. You have to keep things fresh.
12 Things That Marriage Is:
6. Marriage is not about collecting things. The joys of marriage aren’t tangible. You live them. That’s what makes them so very special.
2. Marriage is knowing someone has your back. Always. You have theirs. It’s about interdependence.
7. Marriage is not for the impatient. Some of the best stuff takes a while to develop. You have to stick around to find that out.
1. Marriage is the potential for an intense, deep and diverse intimacy. Sexual. Emotional. Relational.
4. Marriage is sharing old jokes. Or some story that may be told over and over but it still makes you laugh ‘til you are left gasping for breath. 5. Marriage is getting teary-eyed together. 6. Marriage is thinking about the other one not being there anymore. And not being able to think about it. 7. Marriage is getting irritated by the things that always irritate you. Have irritated you for 24 years. Will irritate you for 24 more. And tolerating it because it is way overbalanced by the good stuff. 8. Marriage is not being able to wait to get home to share some little something. 9. Marriage is wishing you were the one having the operation. Or the illness. Not him. 10. Marriage is sometimes fighting. Trying to slowly learn to fight more fairly. To apologize. To listen. To learn. To find resolution. 11. Marriage is about vulnerability. Giving someone the right to hurt or disappoint you. While simultaneously giving that someone the opportunity to bring you tremendous joy and laughter. 12. Marriage is a promise. A vow. To try the hardest you have ever tried in your life. Marriage is a place for the achievement of a personal integrity like no other.
3. Marriage is realizing that you have been seen in your worst times, and that you are still loved. There’s an overriding sense of gratitude and security. David’s Camp Magazine
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WHEN REALITY CONTRADICTS PROPHECY ...JACOB AS A CASE STUDY BY OLUWOLE DAVID
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hat do you do when your present reality doesn’t conform with prophecies of God for your life? Having heard several prophets prophesying glorious future about your life, yet you find out your life is just going the opposite direction to the prophecies. This was the scenario in the life of Jacob, the son of Isaac. Right from the womb, a prophecy already came concerning him in Genesis 25:23...And the Lord said to her: “Two nations are in your womb, two peoples shall be separated from your body; one people shall be stronger than the other, and the older shall serve the younger.” Fantastic! Jacob’s elder brother was designed by heaven to serve him. What other prophecy can be greater than the divine one? Let me quickly point out to you that having read my Bible again and again, I haven’t come across any verse yet where Esau served his younger brother, Jacob. None! The guy delivered himself from that dooming prophecy. That’s by the way, and not my focus this time, maybe another time we can look at how you can deliver yourself from dooming prophecies through prayers. Anyway, Jacob had everything going for him. God on his side, his mom on his side, nature on his side, yet Jacob never amounted to anything worth writing home about. In Genesis 27:28-30, hear the blessings of Jacob’s dad to him...”Therefore may God give you of the dew of heaven, of the fatness of the earth, and plenty of grain and wine. Let peoples serve you, and nations bow down to you. Be master over your brethren, and let your mother’s sons bow down to you. Cursed be everyone who curses you, and blessed be those who bless you!” Again and again, I studied my Bible and I haven’t come across 10
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the fulfilment of those blessing from Isaac to his son, Jacob. Though Jacob’s children and children’s children enjoyed the fulfilment of the blessings. But Jacob himself, was never really a recipient of the prophecies. Jacob could have missed the whole lot of the prophecies but he wrestled with the angel of God. When studying that scene in Genesis, it dawned on me that you can wrestle your way to victory through prayers. It was prophecied that Esau will serve his brother, Jacob, but that never happened. At least, it wasn’t recorded in the Bible. Prophecy contradicted reality. By the time Jacob met his twin brother years after defrauding him, we were told Esau had 400 bodyguards. Now, come on, to afford 400 bodyguards, you must be stinkingly rich. Genesis 32:6...”Then the messengers returned to Jacob, saying, “We came to your brother Esau, and he also is coming to meet you, and four hundred men are with him.””
Genesis 49:8-10 “Judah, you are he whom your brothers shall praise; Your hand shall be on the neck of your enemies; Your father’s children shall bow down before you. Judah is a lion’s whelp; From the prey, my son, you have gone up. He bows down, he lies down as a lion; And as a lion, who shall rouse him? The scepter shall not depart from Judah, Nor a lawgiver from between his feet, Until Shiloh comes; And to Him shall be the obedience of the people.” Are you ready to wrestle in the place of prayers to gain back all the prophecies of God in your life that have been manipulated or stolen by the enemies of your destiny? The choice is yours. You can either accept your fate or fight for your destiny.
Genesis 33:9....”But Esau said, “I have enough, my brother; keep what you have for yourself.” With the above clear indication that most times, if not spiritually managed in the place of intense prayers, prophecies can be manipulated or contradicted by reality. What do we then do when this happens? Jacob’s method can easily be adopted. He prayed till he wrestled some of the fulfilment of the prophecies on his life. He may not have enjoyed or fulfilled most of the prophecies but his children and children’s children were served by other nations and they experienced true greatness. Joseph, for instance, became the first prime minister in history. He was almost the most respected man and icon in the world economy in his days. Also, the Bible speaks more about the tribe of Judah than any other single tribe of Israel. That is because Judah got the lion’s share of the prophecies of God upon Israel. Hear what Jacob said concerning Judah in
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previous generations, but we still sense there is a threshold that is not to be crossed. People want open, honest and real, but not too much. Generally, churches want just enough so they feel safe with you, but not so much that it spoils the expectations they have of you. Unfortunately, the threshold is a blurry line by which pastors never know how much is too much until it’s too late. After a couple of infractions, we learn that opaque is safe—even if it’s isolating. When pastors’ wives are polled on how it feels to be the spouse of someone in full-time ministry, the #1 answer is one profound word “Lonely.” They are around hundreds of people every week, but they never feel they can let their guard down because they know people have opinions on how a pastor’s wife should be. Now, I know people say they don’t, but literally every church I have served in has shared unflattering stories of the previous pastor’s wife. Many of these stories came from the spiritually mature leadership who considered the pastor and his wife to be their friends. The real irony comes in when later in the conversation I would be told, “But don’t worry, we don’t have any expectations on your wife. We just want to
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love on her.” Right! Now, I don’t blame people for this natural human tendency, but being aware of how things are keeps you relationally opaque. And it’s not merely pastors and their wives who insulate. Pastoral families at large feel alone because there is a certain level of unknown expectations buried like landmines through the field of the church, and so there is a constant mode of mostly transparent. 6. WE MEASURE OURSELVES BY THE NUMBERS. Numbers don’t matter! Yeah, right. No matter how badly we want to slap that bumper sticker on our Ford, the reality is that numbers matter to us. And they matter to us it part because they matter to God. The problem, however, goes back to #1-3. The absence of growth in our churches can cascade into an internal turmoil by which we begin to scrounge for “The Next Big Thing” that will bring “Radical Growth,” “Guaranteed.” So we read books on how to be a “Deep & Wide, Vertical, PurposeDriven, Radical-Reformission, Creature of the Word, Big Idea, Center Church.” Then we jet off to a conference with thousands of other pastors who are seeking to glean the secret of success. And what is the first question we ask one another between sessions? “So, how big is your church?” Yep, we measure ourselves by the numbers. 7. WE SPEND MORE TIME DISCOURAGED THAN ENCOURAGED. Occasionally, people say to me, “Must be awesome to get paid to study the Bible all day.” Every time they do, I think to myself, “Must be awesome to be able to give someone the finger on the 520 without people saying, ‘The pastor at Redemption Church flipped me off today during rush-hour.’” I’m not fully sure why that is the comment that flashes across my mental dashboard, but I think part of it stems from what I perceive to be the tone of the comment. Rightly or wrongly, I infer they are saying, “Must be nice to have such a cush gig as a paid quiet-time.” In all honesty, it is pretty awesome to be paid
study the Bible, but it’s a major downer when people: • tell you—after two minutes of uninvestigated reflection—that your 30 hours of study and two collegiate degrees were wrong. • tell you that they just couldn’t stay awake today during your sermon, but no offense. (How about I fall asleep at your kid’s graduation and we’ll call it even.) • tell you how you should have also said … • tell you how Pastor So-N-So says … Aside from these particular examples, I find that for most pastors it generally feels like the boat is taking on water more than racing with the wind—regardless of size or rate of growth. Lead pastors particularly suffer from this since much of their job is to focus on seeing things get better, which often translates into focusing on the broken, lacking or unfilled parts of the church more than enjoying what is right and working. Many of the most faithful and fruitful pastors in history have suffered deeply with anxiety and depression for the same reasons. 8. WE WORRY ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK. We’re human and we want to be liked. Therefore, when we know we’re going to do or say something people won’t like, we worry about it. Now when I say that I don’t mean to infer that it causes us to avoid the hard things. There are some of my fellow pastors who avoid challenging topics or decisions out of fear of people, but most of the ones I run with still choose to deliver the mail regardless of the popularity of its message. Yet, we still worry about how you may take it. 9. WE STRUGGLE WITH COMPETITION AND JEALOUSY. We like to hold ourselves above the petty fray and reiterate, “It’s all about the Kingdom,” but in reality, pastors are a competitive bunch. As soon as one pastor asks another, “How big is your church?” the game is on if the two churches are within 20 miles of each other (past 20 miles, we Continued on page 12
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lighten up a lot and think each other is pretty cool). Within 20 miles, however, we begin to assess one another’s style, focus, message, sophistication and marketing. We gauge to see if it’s a “Goldilocks Church”—not to deep, not too shallow, but just right (like us). If you’re too deep, we benchmark you as internally focused. If you’re too shallow, we brand you as consumer-driven. If, however, we conclude that you too are a “Goldilocks Church,” we then figure out how our church is still better than your church. If you have lame amenities, we critique that you will never grow until you reboot that ’70s sanctuary. If you have awesome amenities, we criticize that you grow only because people are shallow and care more about stuff than Scripture. Yes, we know it’s not right. We know that it’s ego driven, but we still fall victim to it. We believe our church is the best church ever, and we can’t understand why everyone doesn’t see it. 10. WE FEEL LIKE WE FAILED YOU MORE THAN WE HELPED YOU. Most pastors will never be famous. Most churches will never break the 100 mark. Yet we all entered ministry to change the world and reach the masses. With this, we know it is the expectation of churches that we accomplish this very thing. Every job posting reinforces the idea with the sentence, “We are looking for a man that will take our church to the next level.” Then when the next level isn’t hit in the way anticipated or within the timeline envisioned—we feel like we failed you. This is especially true in light of the reality that we are our own biggest critics. We came in with expectations higher than anyone in the church. You look to us for direction, and when we feel like we failed to produce, we feel like we failed you. 12
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