Delighted Soul - 2020 - Fall

Fall 2020

DELIGHTED SOUL

Escaping Your Comfort Zone

Letter from the Editor

So much happened since our last issue - I got married (peep the name change), moved to San Antonio, started my doctoral program at the University of Texas at San Antonio, as well as a doctoral fellowship (which means I work part-time for UTSA and they pay for my tuition). Lots of changes, lots of new systems, literally, a whole new world. Obviously, talking about escaping comfort zones is perfect timing for me and I hope it’s perfect timing for you too! What do all of these changes mean for the magazine? Well first, I’ve had to increase the amount of grace I give myself (this issue is long overdue), and second, the magazine is moving from bimonthly to quarterly so look out for a new issue each season! Now that you’re here, I hope you’ll find some good nuggets to take away from the women who contributed this quarter. Let’s trust God and push ourselves to become the women He desires for us to be.

Jasmine Victor

Table of Contents

3 Go Sis, Go 4 Vulnerability: A Risk Worth Taking 7 Michelle’s Jewels 8 Gratitude 9 Boss Spotlight: Kandles X Kelcie

DR. LAUREN COLLINS’ JOURNEY

BY KIMMIE LEWIS & RHEA FLUKER

WISDOM FROM MICHELLE POWELL

LESSONS FROM JASMINE OGUNTUGA

Jas’ Recommendations TO READ More Than Enough Elaine Welteroth TO LISTEN Woman Evolve Podcast Sarah Jakes Roberts

TO WORSHIP Maverick City Vol. 3 Maverick City Music

A magazine for young women in pursuit of deeper relationship with Jesus.

Go Sis, Go CAREER PROFILE

Name Hometown Current Location

Lauren Collins (@drlaurencollins) Houston, TX Fort Worth, TX

Education High School: Cypress Springs High School c/o 2007 Undergraduate: The University of Texas at Austin c/o 2011 Graduate: Parker University College of Chiropractic c/o 2015 Professional Employer: Abound Chiropractic Position: Chiropractor/Owner + all the things How long? 5 Years

I did a quick stint as an associate doctor in 2019 for seven months. I was pregnant at the

time and resigned due to the physical rigor of the position and realizing it didn’t align with my values.

Guiding people through such a special time of their life (growing their families). It’s so exciting, special, and also challenging. There is a special bond between myself and the families I What do you serve, I feel that I’m much more than just a doctor to them. Being in private practice allows me love most to spend more time with people and support them holistically, which I think is often missing about your in health care. I also love the freedom of continuously problem solving and improving my current job? business. I learned early on that I value efficiency and making things better within the company and for my clients/customers.

What is one of you most monumental experiences?

Making it to 5 years! Supposedly most businesses fail within the first five years (I haven’t actually researched the current data on this). To still be operating, profitable, and able to contribute financially to my household through this dream of opening my own business with literally no entrepreneurial experience and very little start up capital is nothing short of a miracle.

I set boundaries around my time and only work 4 days a week in the office. My time boundaries change according to my season of life, for example, in the past I didn’t do evenings, but as a mom I had to be flexible there so now I don’t work on at least one weekend day. If I have a big project or deadline I will bend my rules temporarily. I know it’s “counter cultural” as an entrepreneur to think this way in the early stages, but it keeps me productive during my How do you avoid work times and has allowed me to stay healthy physically, mentally, emotionally and in my relationships. I value those more than the constant hustle. I became a wife the year I launched getting my business and a mom the year I relaunched in a new city. Being successful at those roles have burned out? been a greater priority for now. With that said, I’m continuously learning how to be productive in alignment and consistent with the time I do have. I’ve also gotten comfortable outsourcing things like cleaning my house or getting my hair done. It sounds luxurious writing that, but it really saves me time I can utilize to work or rest more depending on what’s needed at that time.

How do you balance all of your roles?

Honestly some things fall through the cracks depending on the season. I’m learning to give myself grace and understanding that every aspect is not perfect 100% of the time. In some seasons I don’t have time to be as social, in others I have to be OK with working less and knowing it may take more time to reach a goal, and so on.

I’m not really sure. Becoming a mother this past year has changed my personal vision of success.

In a vague sense I want to have multiple businesses, including my chiropractic practice, What is your and an online business that includes providing information, support, and products geared ultimate towards women’s holistic health and motherhood. I’m open to continuously evolving, so many career goal? things I’m experiencing now I’m so grateful for and never imagined for myself!

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Vulnerability

A RISK WORTH TAKING

By Kimmie Lewis (@kimmielewisla) & Rhea Fluker (@rhea_sunsh1ne) See Also: STRETCH (@stretchforwomen) Vulnerability is something that is truly missing in our culture. We live in a counterfeit society because everyone has to present their “best selves” or be “the realest” or even be the person who always keeps it “one hundred”. These are personas we use to protect ourselves. We have created a culture of privacy and performance that has robbed us of being who we truly are in the faces of others, ourselves, and ultimately our Father, God. We live in a world where we withhold parts of who we are because of who is in the room. We often confuse vulnerability for transparency (they are different) and we share the truths that we think others want/need to hear. We often mistake vulnerability for intimacy (they are different) and we pick and choose to whom we share our truths with based on who is “safe or not”. We are instinctively prone to protecting ourselves at all cost. We are confined to the expectations, thoughts, and opinions of what others will think of us if we bare the truth of who we are at all times because the truth can be ugly.

We’ve missed the beauty in sharing our ugly truths. They humanize us, they release pride’s control over us, they make us relatable, they touch people in ways that our striving cannot, they remind us that we are not God, and they give us a true glimpse into the deep beauty and love of God.

In thinking about the most vulnerable person in the history of the world, Jesus, we have a very clear example of what vulnerability is. The way Jesus walked on earth was vulnerable. He went against the societal norms, shared truths about God that went against what had been for centuries, knowing that he would be talked about, persecuted and ultimately killed for it. He was bold in who he was no matter who was looking.

He sat with people and shared himself with people that were unsafe and undeserving according to others.

He hid nothing. Christ’s choice to die on the cross was the ultimate act of love and vulnerability because he made the decision KNOWING that He would be rejected, knowing that there would people who would never acknowledge what He did, knowing that people wouldn’t believe in Him, and knowing that people would persecute those who did.

Vulnerability is not about being safe (it’s the complete opposite) or sharing with safe people, it’s about freedom. It’s about embracing and sharing the depths of who we are no matter the risk. It’s 100% authenticity.

There is a difference between being seen and being known. How others respond to our vulnerability is on them and we have to release the burden of responsibility of how people receive/perceive us. Vulnerability is a huge risk and it’s a risk you take regardless of the possible outcome. We are all built for vulnerability but it’s a journey that we get to decide to go on.

Let’s define these terms: Transparency: Sharing things that might not be favorable to share about yourself with others, usually only people that you trust.

Vulnerability: The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. It’s a risk you take in choosing to be yourself at all times, the messy parts included.

Intimacy: Closeness.

Kimmie

For most of my life vulnerability was a concept that I had not heard of. After really thinking about it and going on a journey to be a more vulnerable person, I have realized that from a very young age I was taught not to be. It was a sign of weakness and it wasn’t something that was encouraged. As a preacher’s kid, I constantly felt the pressure to present my “best-self ” to the public. Thinking back there were very few people that I allowed to see my flaws. The crazy thing is that I felt free when I was allowing those very few people to see my mistakes, but even in that there was always a line that I wouldn’t cross. Vulnerability just didn’t exist in my life at all.

Privacy was key but vulnerability requires you to forfeit privacy and for me that probably was the hardest idea to comprehend. Privacy is something I grew to hate externally, but internally protected it with every fiber of my being. I have struggled with rejection and abandonment, so this idea is two-fold and becomes more complicated for me. I wanted to be extremely close in proximity to people, but would not expose who

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I truly was or express how I really felt in fear of being abandoned (because I had been abandoned before).

This dynamic created co-dependent behaviors in my life. I would get upset if my friends had other friends and would have major anxiety when friends found that they could not help me through hard things. I questioned and tested my friendships daily in an effort to find security. In the same note, this same fear caused me to hide my internal self from everyone in order to keep them close. I never expressed how I truly felt about things, truth is after so long of adopting the opinions of others, I didn’t know anymore. I constantly employed false versions of myself for attention. I curated lies and stories to gain sympathy and care from people I desired to be in my life. I would indulge in things that I had no interest in just to be allowed into certain circles.

I continuously bent to the thoughts and feelings of others, allowing them to make all of my life decisions and choices. I never had an opinion of my own. So, I found myself in a rut, not really being fully known and being misunderstood.

After I began to really follow God, I was forced to deal with a lot of this. I was forced to come to terms with the fact that I had lied to so many people, that I had lied to myself, and I had hidden myself in such a way that I could not uncover. I found myself being triggered by things that I was so ashamed of, I kept it to myself though. Often, I wouldn’t even bring these to God. I would simply move past it. I couldn’t even be vulnerable in my most intimate relationship. God was gentle with me though, allowing me to face these things one step at a time with him. He began to take me on a journey of vulnerability with him, and he began to expose deep roots of insecurity, comparison, expectations, and truth.

As I dealt with them in the secret place with Him he began to put me in situations where I had to share with others and this terrified me for the reasons below (some I still struggle with and some I have walked through).

I am afraid of saying the wrong thing, being seen as weird to people I desperately want to impress and failing to meet the expectations of others. Because of this, I have found myself exaggerating the truth or failing to include things that are true in order to maintain the perfect perception. I am afraid of being seen as the girl who doesn’t fit in, yet I constantly feel awkward and unwanted in groups of people I feel inferior to. I rarely share, and when I do it’s only about things that make me seem mature, intelligent, well-versed, and knowledgeable. I rarely ever say “I don’t know”.

I am afraid that when I expose the truth of who I am, how I feel, and what I think/believe people will reject me or change the way they see me. I often withhold vulnerability because I can’t bare the idea of someone’s response being negative or, even more, empty. I am afraid that in sharing who I am I will be seen as overly emotional. I am afraid of being seen as an eager and childish person. I am afraid that my

truth will be judged, picked apart, and abandoned. I am afraid that the pain I’ve faced will resurface or be repeated. I fear that in being vulnerable, the old me will reappear. Sometimes I’m not vulnerable because I want to maintain a certain reputation and the truth of who I am would ruin that.

I am afraid of facing myself. I’m afraid of realizing an ugly truth about myself and having to accept that truth. I already believe and think at times that I am not enough so seeing even more ugliness can be depressing at times and cause me to feel like I have so much work to do (although this is not true).

Vulnerability has scared me because it requires me to embrace pain and loss. It requires me to face fears that have power over me. It requires me to press into and risk feeling inferior. It requires me to overlook the thoughts and opinions of others that I deeply care about and it requires me to embrace who I really am at my core. It reveals to me to the parts of myself that I truly dislike and requires me to bare it to others. It requires me to abandon the idea of being the “best version” of myself. It requires me to walk around, wide open and exposed.

Vulnerability is a risk, but it is a risk worth taking that yields true love, freedom, and deliverance.

I realized that in being vulnerable with others I opened the door for them to truly love me for who I am, not a version of myself that I think they will love. I get to live in the freedom that God promises us. I strive to be a vulnerable person because I cannot go back into the bondage of secrecy and privacy that kept me in a space of darkness and isolation even when I was surrounded by others. I just want to encourage anyone facing the fear share the truth of who they are to embrace your weakness with God and allow him into that. He will meet you there and bring you to a place of freedom.

Maybe the first step is saying, I’m afraid to be vulnerable.

That is vulnerable in and of itself.

Rhea

Emotions are vulnerable for me to express to others. I’m fearful that if people know I need things from them, they won’t give it to me (rejection) or they just won’t want to be in my life (abandonment). I’ve spent my entire life devaluing my own emotional needs to minimize the risk of both of these and the result has been shallow relationships where I felt unknown. I still feel unknown to others but the worst part used to be that I felt unknown to myself.

As a child, since before I can remember, I was unconsciously training myself to be what others needed me to be in my family. I was never able to explore who I truly was and never fully learned to just be Rhea. I did, however, set out to master being the “good daughter,”

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“quiet niece,” “helpful sister,” and “nice girl” who always makes everyone laugh with the silly things she says and does because those things were acceptable and lovable behaviors in my family. What wasn’t accepted was frustration, disappointment, sadness, depression, anger or any inconvenient emotion. The only real acceptable emotion was humor, and unfortunately vulnerability just isn’t that funny.

So for my entire life, I’ve lived at a shocking level of unawareness to all negative emotions because I only ever learned to suppress them all and never learned how to actually deal with or process the truth of how I felt about anything. Instead, I’m overwhelmed by a crippling fear to please others because if I don’t, that would confirm that I am in fact a burden and thus won’t be loved. So my relationships become centered around obligation from me and I work hard to perform a role most pleasing to them, all the while hiding the truth of myself, that I am a burdensome imposter of a bad person with bad emotions. My entire life I felt like an imposter because I was always performing and never just being. I internalized that the truth of who I am was unlovable. “WHAT!? Rhea unlovable?? Never!” might be the thought people in my life might have in response to this. But it’s easy to love the carefully curated version of Rhea I spent 27 years carefully managing to protect myself from the type of pain I received as a child.

Everyone only gets the lovable parts of me that I allow them to see and thus, everyone thinks I’m so amazing to be around but the depth of my relationships are shallow and unemotional. But THAT Rhea is easy to be liked. The insecure, fearful, sad and lonely Rhea is someone I have never allowed people to truly meet because she is vulnerable and she is terrified.

I was in-part raised by an aunt whose demons attacked daily any ounce of vulnerability I may have once had. So as a child, when I would risk putting myself out there and being honest with how I felt, or what I needed, I was met with verbal and physical abuse from someone who was supposed to protect and love me. So now, being vulnerable and expressing the truth of my emotions means I’m risking abuse from others and that petrifies me.

I lived 27 years of an exhausting life of hiding and covering to protect my perceived truth of my unlovability but didn’t even know it. God changed that.

He has been revealing me to myself over the last couple of years. Facing truths of childhood trauma and deep shame about the way I look on the outside and the way I am on the inside has been the most terrifying yet freeing journey. For the first time in my life I can honestly say I love myself, when just 2 years ago I didn’t know who I was to even love. Now, God is calling me to reveal and share these truths to others through vulnerability and similarly it is terrifying but I know it is so freeing.

My vulnerability can’t be based on others acceptance or rejection of it.

To me vulnerability is facing shame. It’s facing fear. It’s giving voice to these things held so deep and sharing it with others, no matter the response. With God and only with God, I am able to truly uncover my deepest desires, needs and wants.

Stretch

Kimmie Lewis is the Founder and CEO of STRETCH and Rhea Fluker is the Co-Founder and Creative Lead.

THE MISSION

STRETCH. provides an outlook on life with Christ that embraces living in weakness and being vulnerable. As a result, we allow God space to bring about continual spiritual growth, emotional healing, and wholeness in identity. We aim to do this by facilitating spaces and providing tools for women to experience spiritual, mental, and emotional freedom.

9 But he answered me, “My grace is always more than enough for you,[a] and my power finds its full expression through your weakness.” So I will celebrate my weaknesses, for when I’m weak I sense more deeply the mighty power of Christ living in me.[b] 10 So I’m not defeated by my weakness, but delighted! For when I feel my weakness and endure mistreatment—when I’m surrounded with troubles on every side and face persecution because of my love for Christ—I am made yet stronger. For my weakness becomes a portal to God’s power.

2 Corinthians12:9-10 TPT

Within these spaces, women are encouraged to engage and share openly the truth of what comes up in their hearts and souls, no matter how messy or shameful it may be.

Through consistent engagement, women are set free by the word of their testimony. They learn to live a vulnerable life with God, in 100% authenticity of who they are, no matter what space they are in or who is around. They are no longer bound by the thoughts, opinions, and perspectives, either of their own or of others.

THE VISION.

Our vision is that, as every woman embraces this life in weakness and vulnerability, she would be able to walk boldly and confidently in who God has called her to be, and that she would live completely and totally in the truth of who she is no matter who is around, or what the circumstance or risk may be.

Our heart is that we would reject the notion of strength, and instead, boast in our weaknesses. We are aiming to shift the idea that being weak and being vulnerable is negative. This is simply anti-Biblical.

By intentionally embracing a life in weakness and vulnerability, we invite God to bring about true spiritual growth (transformation), emotional healing, and depth in the revelation of our identity.

Find out more at www.stretchforwomen.org.

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Michelle’s Jewels

Words of Wisdom from Mother-In-Chief Michelle Powell (@mrsmpowell) ESCAPING YOUR COMFORT ZONE Escape: To slip or get away, as from confinement or restraint; gain or regain liberty.

Comfort: A feeling of relief or consolation.

Zone: Any continuous area that is distinguished for some purpose, or which distinctive circumstances exist or are established.

Anywhere we find comfort, we usually find safety, or we feel that it is a safe zone. All places of comfort are not safe places for us though. Some comfort zones are filled with sin and sinful people. We can get stuck in sinful and comfortable places. A very safe place to always be is in the presence and the protection of the Savior, Jesus Christ. In Jesus Christ’s presence we have liberty and the freedom to move as we live our life in Him, according to God’s will.

Escaping your comfort zone, can be fearful, frighting, and frustrating because we do not know what the personal outcome of moving into an different area will bring. To escape our comfort zone is to step into a different area than we are accustomed to. When I think of escaping, I think of being freed from something or someone. Escaping will focus my mind on change and in the long run, that frees me. Galatians 5:1 says, “It was for freedom that Christ set us free, therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.”

When we take the first step to escape the comfort zone that we are used to, we should envision ourselves as taking the opportunity to go in a new direction. We should envision ourselves as taking an opportunity to become accustomed to something different. Taking the first step into the new zone, be it a new hobby, new job, new title, new relationship, higher education, or relocation out of state, all of these scenarios can make one feel fearful, frightened, frustrated, or free. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 10:13, “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but with the temptation also make a way of escape, that ye will be able to bare it.”

When we as believers in Christ Jesus hear from God that we are to move or accept a change from our comfort zone, we receive it better. In God we have a way of freeing ourselves from self confinement. When we long for an escape, we must anticipate the move of God. When God has spoken to us to change or move, He has given us His stamp of approval to move to a new area or zone. In our lives, a move of God is what we must pray for to find our new comfort. When we long for change, when we desire to move out of our comfort zone, we should seek God for direction. Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.” When we look to God, when we seek him, we must completely surrender our all to Him. Surrender our desires, fears, and frustrations to God. We must cling to God with our mind, body, soul. Escaping our comfort zone takes work. We must seek God for direction. We are to surrender our all to God. We are to walk in obedience to God’s direction. We are to pray without ceasing. We are to bask in God’s peace while we acclimate to the change as we escape one comfort zone for another. Praying that God will help us get to a good place where He is glorified and we are comfortable. We can escape our comfort zone even in the midst of a pandemic if we let God lead us.

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Gratitude

Lessons from Jasmine Oguntuga (@othatsjasmine)

Grat·i·tude - the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

With all of the negativity going on in today’s society it’s easy to get wrapped up in it. I believe that once you’re in a negative space it can be hard to leave. I also believe that in the darkest moments we can still find something to be thankful for. With this in mind I’ve made it my personal mission to show gratitude to others when I can.

A few years ago I decided that instead of only celebrating my birthday, I would also celebrate other people. With this in mind I created a 31 day calendar of Random Acts of Kindness or ways to show gratitude. It started off as a simple list of things, such as writing a letter, or giving someone a hug. As I have navigated through life I see that people forget to say thank you. Once I realized it was truly making people smile, it started to make me feel better too. I’ve always been a giver at heart. I believe that when you give from the heart it will always come back to you.

I teach 8th grade and have incorporated gratitude in my classroom. One initiative that I started was strategically placing motivational sticky notes on staff members’ doors at random - a small gesture has improved our campus culture tremendously. Our Auntie Maya Angelou said it best “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I challenge you to share some gratitude. I encourage you to try to incorporate at least one random act of kindness or gratitude in your life. You never know how you might make someone’s day. Maybe it’s weekly or maybe for you it’s a monthly thing either way make it happen. Giving from the heart is a selfless act.

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Meet the Boss

Kelcie Cox is a Howard alum currently working in the Houston digital marketing world with a love for making candles. Kandles X Kelcie, also known as KXK, is a luxury candle business that takes pride in offering high quality products with amazing fragrances. All KXK candles are hand poured in small batches allowing her to dedicate lots of love and careful attention into each item. Kandles X Kelcie has now been in business for a year as of September 29th! Majority of her customers are in Houston and other Texas cities, but she has also shipped candles out-of-state in California, New York, Florida, Colorado, Washington, DC, and more. So far, business has been challenging yet fun and she cannot wait to see what else God has in store for Kandles X Kelcie!

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