Spring 2021
DELIGHTED SOUL
Friendship
Letter from the Editor
I’ve always been different in one way or another. My quiet and nerdy nature led me to my fair share of bullies and run ins with mean girls who I tried to avoid altogether. Every school year I’d let two or three girls get “close” to me (it’s in quotes because I didn’t even understand the definition of close then) but I grew up really close to my family so all other friendships were second place. I missed the years when girls solidify BFF status which, as I’ve mentioned before, is why I chose to join a sorority to develop deeper relationships with other women. Not only did I learn the value of friendship, I truly loved and continue to love my sisters and I felt loved by them. I did things for my sisters and other college friends without expecting anything in return. After college, it was back to being different and I struggled with other young womens’ perceptions of me as a “good girl” and the box that it put me in. Sometimes I would try to force them to see my imperfections as if it would help them accept me more. I battled with feeling unaccepted and instead of focusing on the friendships that I had, I carried this burden even until recently when I broke down to my husband about my hesitations for building new friendships in a new city. He gave me great enccouragement and so did the word’s in this quarter’s issue. I’ve made mistakes in friendships and maybe you have too. I pray that, like me, you’ll read these words with an open heart and the intention of getting better not only for our own benefit, but for the benefit of those around us.
Jasmine Victor
Table of Contents
3 The Foundation of Friendship 4 Michelle’s Jewels 5 Friendship: What Does It Mean to You? 14 Break It Down
THOUGHTS FROM KIARA MEADE
WISDOM FROM MICHELLE POWELL
THE RESULTS ARE IN!
UNDERSTANDING WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT FRIENDSHIP
Jas’ Recommendations Bible Plans (YouVersion Bible App)
Friendship (14 Days) “In a world that is broken and lonely, how do we think about friendship? Through this series we will see that friendship is a great gift from God to his people. We will see that the Bible points people to Jesus and helps them grow in obedience to him.”
Friendish (5 Days) “Bible teacher Kelly Needham debunks our world’s constricted, small view of friendship and casts a richer, more life-giving, biblical vision for friendship as God meant it to be.”
A magazine for young women in pursuit of deeper relationship with Jesus.
The Foundation of F riendship Thoughts on Friendship from Kiara Meade (@happilyeverkiara), Founder of sheGLOWS Ministries (@sheglows_ministries)
reciprocated. Accountability isn’t just about correction either. Amongst my friends, we hold each other accountable as we pursue our goals and dreams. A simple “what progress have you made on ________?” call or text shows the support of a good friend. Friendship isn’t always laughs and giggles. How do you handle conflict in your friendships? One participant that night admitted she and a friend did not speak for years because of a situation and she realized she needed to apologize. Thankfully, they were able to heal, but it took courage and her putting pride aside to have that conversation. For me, it wasn’t until a month later that I talked to one of my friends who didn’t come that night, and when I told her how I felt, we were able to discuss it and move on. As you think about your friendships, reflect on how you have dealt with conflict. If you’re currently dealing with an issue, ask God to give you the opportunity to speak with that friend, and when that opportunity comes, ask God to give you the words to say and pray that the friend is receptive to what’s on your heart. One of the last things we did that night was reflect on how we could be better friends. Some said they wanted to be more understanding, some wanted to be less judgmental, and others wanted to be more present. What about you? How can you be a better friend? If you’re unsure, ask your circle to see how you can do better. And may I be honest? It is okay if you have outgrown some of your friends. Not everyone was meant to be a lifelong friend and not everyone is able to be on your journey with you. But the beautiful thing is, you can begin new friendships--or possibly renew old ones--with God’s help. This year, my prayer is that God will help us cultivate new friendships, sustain old ones, and even heal from broken ones so that we become all that we are destined to be and fulfill our God-given assignments.
Think of your circle. Your closest best friends. On a scale of “No New Friends” to “she’s the Molly to my Issa”, where do you fall? Are you the friend everyone calls for advice or prayer? Or are you the friend everyone calls when they need back-up? Maybe you’re a little bit of both depending on who needs you. Some women have friends who they may not talk to for days, months or even years, but when they do meet up, they pick up right where they left off. Much like any human relationship, friendship has its highs and lows, and developing meaningful friendships as adults can be even harder. Can I be transparent? This past November, I hosted a virtual “Friends-giving” event for a ministry God led me to start. I sent it to friends weeks in advance in hopes they would share on their social media and put it on their calendar. The night of the event came and I was disappointed to see that certain friends were not in attendance. Not only were they not in attendance that night, but they hadn’t attended a previous event I hosted. There I was, hoping to have my own friends there to discuss our story, only to have to talk about the fact that they weren’t present. I put my hurt feelings to the side and ended up having a great conversation about what it really means to be a friend and so much more. The discussion that evening provided me with many lessons about friendship. There were women on that call from their thirties to their sixties (shout out to mothers who are forever supporters) and each story showed the complexities and nuances of friendships. So what exactly does it mean to be a friend and how have some women maintained lasting and meaningful relationships for years? At the bare minimum, a friend must be trustworthy. This, of course, takes time to develop, but I recommend that you be discerning and use wisdom when interacting with new people that you meet. Watch for patterns and behaviors and pay attention to how they talk about others in your presence. If you’re seeking new friendships, ask God to place the right people in your life and be specific about what you need in a friend. As you develop these friendships and consider current ones, how do you hold each other accountable? Do you have friends that tell you when you’re wrong? And more importantly, do you trust that they are doing it out of love and with good intentions? A good friend can hold you accountable because they want what’s best for you, and it should be
sheGlows
sheGLOWS was founded to build a community of women who support and encourage each other to authentically and unapologetically pursue their divine purpose. We are growing spiritually, mentally and emotionally; learning how to navigate this journey, owning our call, and walking boldly in our divine purpose. You can follow us on Instagram (@sheglows_ ministries) and Facebook (@sheglowsministries).
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Michelle’s Jewels
Words of Wisdom from Mother-In-Chief Michelle Powell (@mrsmpowell) “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of diversity.” Proverbs 17:17 (NIV) “Jonathan said to David, “Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord, saying, ‘The Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.’” I Samuel 20:42 (NIV) “You may go,” he said. And he let her go for two months. She and her friends went into the hills and wept because she would never marry.” Judges 11:38 (NIV) “Friends. How many of us have them? Friends. Ones we can depend on. Friends. How many of us have them? Before we go any further, let’s be friends.” These are the lyrics to a song by an American Hip-Hop group named Whodini. This was a hit song in the 80’s. There are many people who can say yes they have friends. Some people have friendships that stand the test of time. Others have broken friendships and can’t keep long-term friendships because they can’t handle the commitment or requirement. A real friendship is a beautiful relationship grown and nurtured from one’s heart for another person or persons. One of the most important relationships that we can web together with others is a friendship. In I Samuel 20:42, we read where Jonathan said to David, “Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord, saying, ‘The Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.’” Because of deeply rooted commitment to one another, you swear your love to one another to be best friends forever, believing that your children will know one another and grow their friendships too. You wear your friendship on your sleeve when you are a friend. You grow to a point of love for your friend as you intertwine your support and emotions. It is said that we can’t choose our family members, but we can choose our friends. When a friendship forms you give the other person room in your heart and in your family. In the Bible, David and Jonathan formed a great frienship. In life, we meet others who can help us thrive in our lives, our field of service, or our business. It is nice to have acquaintances because you never know when you can help them and they can help you. All acquaintances are not to be had for quid pro quo alone. Acquaintances can bring us influence by association, and bring us friendships. Acquaintances become friends when we hold one another accountable to make the friendship grow. We build our friendship when we see that there is something special in the other person. Sometimes we call people friends that we feel think like us, look like us, dress like us, act like us, worship like us, work hard like us, serve like us, help others like us, eat like us, love like us, or they enjoy the hobbies and interests that we do. Friendships can come in all seasons of our life and they can grow to different levels and depths. We can enjoy our childhood friends, school friends, teenage friends, young adulthood friends, and lifelong friends from the neighborhood we grew up in. No matter how our friends come to us, we must work to make our friendships flourish. Friends. How many of us have them? If you want a friend the Bible says, “A man/woman who has friends must himself/herself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” My advice to you is to show yourself friendly so that you will never walk alone, and please treasure your friendships.
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F riendship,
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO YOU? No matter how introverted we may be, or how independent we may think we are, we were designed to desire companionship. Jesus calls us friend, and there’s no sweeter feeling than that, but the Bible also offers us other examples of friendship. Of course, we can’t talk about Biblical friendships without talking about David and Jonathan who shared a deep love for one another. Moses and Aaron exemplified friendship and support among siblings. Ruth and Naomi, Paul and Timothy, and Elijah and Elisha demonstrated crossgenerational friendships and mentorship. Friendship is something we are all familiar with, but it looks different for each of us based on our personalities, circumstances, and experience. I surveyed 21 young adult women to learn a little more about their take on friendship.
How do you define friendship? “Friendship is a relationship that feeds you whatever you need, when you need it.”
“A platonic relationship between people that involves trust and common interests.”
“A type of relationship you have with someone in which you form a strong bond. It is the type of relationship that, in my opinion, helps us through a lot of difficult times.”
“Friendship is comfort and acceptance – friends are people around whom you can consistently be your authentic self, and who can cheer you up or cheer you on when you can’t do it yourself. Although they come in varying levels of reliability, friends are people who accept and value you for just being you.”
“A voluntary, committed relationship with common goals and systems.” “I believe a friend is an individual that holds a moral connection and is bonded mentally, eternally, etc.” “I think friends are people you share fun times with and confide in when necessary. Some friends are people you have long histories with. I think there are many definitions but basically someone you enjoy spending your time with without motivation.”
“A mutual relationship between two people where both people make an intentional effort to grow/ maintain the relationship. Growing/ maintaining the relationship can be accomplished in a variety of ways.”
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“A trusted, respected, and well-liked confidant.” “Someone that is dependable.”
“Someone to platonically share the ‘big moments’ of your life with and trade passions and happiness with.” “People you share your life with in a variety of ways.”
“A person that is there for you, a reciprocal relationship; there is fellowship, there are challenges, but we work through hardships together.” “Someone that cares for me in a way that matters to me and can read me even if I don’t say something.”
How many friends do you have? 52% said, “Just a few, I like to keep my circle small.”
10% said, “Too many to count!”
38% said, “An average amount, I guess.”
What makes someone a good friend? 10 10 9 LOYAL TRUSTWORTHY 6 HONEST/TRANSPARENT/ NO SUGARCOATING DEPENDABLE/RELIABLE/ CONSISTENT
UNDERSTANDING
SELFLESS SUPPORTIVE/ UPLIFTING
4 4 4
Honorable Mentions: loving, accountability partners, genuine and authentic, kind and caring, and funny
and fun. They should be listeners, compassionate and empathetic, accepting and non-judgmental, considerate, thoughtful, and pure. A good friend knows you well, is emotionally vulnerable, humble, sincere, forgiving, and intentional. They should be interested in passions other than their own, be willing to make time for each other, be able to get over ups and downs, work through problems together, and call out our flaws in a loving way.
“A good friend feels like family and won’t let you stay the same.”
Are you a good friend? 76% - Yes
24% - Sometimes 6
Do you have a best friend? 86% Yes
5% 5+ Best Friends
52% 2-4 Best Friends
14% No
How did you become best friends? “Going through special moments together and connecting on intimate levels.”
“Our communication with one another is very effective, and we keep it real 110% of the time. We hung out very frequently (still to this day as well), and our bond grew closer each day.”
“Two from school. Another one is my sister-in-law.” “Through years of friendship.” “We have been friends since elementary. She’s went through just about every phase of life together and we are completely honest with each other and nonjudgmental.”
“I don’t remember how actually - but it was pretty immediate. Probably being in the same place and making the same face across the room at some shenanigans that were occurring.”
“I don’t even remember. It just happened.”
“College and church.”
“I’ve known each of them for 10 or more years, but I considered them my BEST friends when we spent more time together and grew closer.“
“Through interactions during college.” “Childhood bond that’s stood the test of time.”
“Being there in tough times.”
“Elementary bond.”
“Quality time, trusting one another, building memories together, being mindful of each other’s emotional needs.”
“In college.” “Met in high school and college.”
“Going through tough times.”
“Time, not judging, being there when we needed each other.”
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Describe your best friend(s). “Loyal.” “Fun, like family, loving, giving.”
“They embody my definition of a friend and that’s all I could ask for.”
“They work my nerves like a sibling would, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. They have been with me through some of my darkest times.” “Honest and non-judgmental.” “My mains...my everything...people I call right after prayer.”
“They are the ones I want to tell everything to (well, not always everything lol). I enjoy talking with them and spending time with them. When I don’t talk to them for a while, I miss them and want to catch up. They are black, funny, Christian, like me in some ways, and different than me in others.” “Genuine, loving, caring, open, kind.” “My best friend for sure does not sugar coat anything for me and they never tell me what I want to hear.” “Funny, always there, caring, nurturing, honest, reliable, supportive.”
“My best friend is sunshine :) She radiates warmth but is also always down for mischief. She is real enough with me that she will call me on my BS, but only after a hug and a ‘woo woo woo’.” “Christian, compassionate, sincere, reliable, focused, caring, selfless, etc.” “Steady, consistent, goofy, paranoid, responsible.” “Deep love for me and my family.” “Fun, crazy, smart.” “Kind, smart, reliable.” “Notices the little things about me, pushes me to be better.”
What is the value of female friends? “We uplift each other, we give each other permission to shine.”
“Next valuable after family.” “Priceless, it’s hard to find good friends.”
“I can relate most with women, so I value them the most because we deal with a lot of the same issues.” “I value my friendships because they allow you to see yourself and get to know yourself better.” “Greater than what we place on it.” “Shared experiences and the ability to relate to each other.” “Relatability.” “Unique shared experiences.”
“Friendships with women keep me sane! Life is so hard, and sometimes feels like you are so alone, but friends not only commiserate with you, but they celebrate with you and make life not seem so bad.” “Priceless.” “Safety.”
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“I think it’s valuable to be friends with anyone who you have things in common with. Common struggles, common jobs, common motherhood, common singleness so we can learn from each other’s experiences.”
“Women support you in a way that men cannot.” “My friends and I can relate on so many levels. I love conversations in general, but conversations with my best friends are usually very stimulating and I think that’s important. They also can give great advice at times and vice versa!””
OPPOSITES ATRACT
Do you have guy friends? 76% Yes
“In today’s world, friendships with women doesn’t seem like a necessity for everyone because women sometimes have drama. And men don’t necessarily deal with a lot of conflict when it comes to friendships, so it’s easier to be friends with a male.”
24% No
Do you have friends who are a different generation than you? 76% Yes
24% No
MAKE NEW FRIENDS, BUT KEEP THE OLD (SOMETIMES)
Do you have childhood friendships that are still strong today? 57% Yes
33% - “We’re not close, but we’re still in contact.”
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10% No
How are your friendships different now than when you were a child? “We have more in common vs. just being friends because we went to school together.”
“I have a lot less, but they’re more genuine.” “I am more selective about who I call my friend.”
“I’ve learned to value and spend time with people who want to spend time with me. I don’t force it now that I’m older.” “Less shallow and a lot healthier.” “Friendships as an adult is harder than as a child. There are more things to consider. Single, married, availability, interest, plus actually just vibing with one another. It’s hard lol. As a child, you just walk up and say, “Do you want to be my friend?” and then you’re lifelong friends.”
“I think that as I grow, my friends become people who are more similar to me. When I was younger, I had a wide variety of friends. I still do, but I’m definitely a little pickier, and I also know how to put my friends into different categories. One example is that when I was younger, my friends’ religion didn’t matter as much to me, but now, although I do have good friends who are not Christian, my BEST friends have to relate with me in that way or we won’t be as close.”
“Definitely more mature now, than I was back then so I was picking my friends based off of just interest. But now that I am older, and I a little wiser than I once was, I can see people for who they truly are.”
“They’re a lot stronger.” “Friendships now are more intentional. I have less friends now than I did as a child.”
“My friendships as a child were largely just surface level, and mostly about having fun. My adult friendships are deeper spiritual and emotional connections - but they’re also still fun!” “They have more depth now.” “We hang out less.”
“They are based on similar passions now versus proximity.”
“We have different obstacles; we are mothers, so we are not inseparable, we understand that and allow space then come back together.” “Less time spent together, but more respect.”
“I would rely more on my friends for happiness when I was younger like I needed them. Now I understand we are all just beautiful people growing and evolving and we have to see each other when we can.” “As kids we didn’t have all the challenges of life. To be a friend as a kid is more of hanging out and playing. Friendships as an adult entail having someone to lean on in your most difficult times. Someone that just knows you.” “They are more mature due to our increase in age and understanding of real-life.”
“ME AND YOU, US NEVER PART”
Do you have any long-distance friendships? 76% - Yes
24% - No 10
Editor’s Note: I’ve had a handful of strong long-distance friendships since graduating college though most of my friends lived in Houston. Now that I live in San Antonio (and relocated in the middle of a pandemic on top of that) all of my friendships are long-distance. I know this is common for many young adults who move to new cities for work or school or a fresh start. Of course, making local friends is an important goal to have, but how do you maintain your established friendships?
How do you keep in touch with longdistance friends? FACETIME 12 IN-PERSON VISITS TEXTING 12 SOCIAL MEDIA 10 PHONE CALLS 7
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Honorable Mentions
“Check-ins whenever we can and make the most of in-person hangs.” “I try to check in on my long distant friends either over text or setting up a FaceTime appointment.” “Meeting up at events we both enjoy (ex. Concerts).”
How often do you see your longdistance friends? Most said 1-2 times a year, if possible.
A few said 3+ times a year.
“Whenever we happen to be in the same town at the same time, I try to make an effort to see them.”
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A couple said not enough.
“Probably 3 times a year. But we talk honestly more than my friends that live here.”
LESSONS LEARNED
What has been your biggest regret in a friendship? “Not investing enough time into it.”
“Making my expectations someone else’s expectations.” “Not being completely honest and guarding their information.“ “Choosing the wrong person to be my friend.” “I have been fortunate not to have had any major fallouts or ugly break ups with friends, but I think sometimes I look back and I think of how silly an argument was, or how I could’ve just been a better friend in certain situations.”
“Being a follower.” “At some points of my life, I was more concerned about relationships with terrible men rather than living balls to the walls with my girlfriends.” “Not ever addressing conflict and letting certain things just slide.” “Not putting in enough effort and lacking compassion/understanding.”
“Not asking deep enough questions or considering my friend’s pain.” “I could call more. I wish we all lived on the same street.” “Having high expectations.” “Women not giving other women the same forgiveness we give men who have betrayed us.” “My biggest regret was being friends with someone that had messed up intentions for being my friend. Like she was just my friend because she thought my struggles in life were comedic.”
“Not sharing enough passions or having different methods of addressing an issue (confrontational vs. non-confrontational).” “Being selfish and not checking on them.”
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Have you ever been disappointed by a friend? 95% - Yes
5% - No
What should friends never do? “Disclose personal things to other friends, hold grudges without conversation, take more than they give.”
“Friends should never steal from each other or talk negatively about each other behind each other’s back.”
“Never not share your truth.”
“Cross boundaries.”
“Gossip about you.”
8 women said friends should never lie to one another or on each other.
“They shouldn’t put relationships with men before their meaningful friendships. I’ve been on both sides.”
“Spread your business or take advantage of you.”
“Tell little white lies because that can turn into compulsive lying and now you can’t be trusted.”
“Mess with the other’s significant other or backstab.”
“A lot of things lol. Friends should never go behind your back. They should not tell others your secrets/ business. Friends should never put you in harm’s way.“
“Be disloyal or talk badly about their friends behind their backs.” “Not match each other’s level of effort.”
“Have bad intentions.”
“Be unloyal. Be unkind, be judgmental and not open and understanding.”
“Covet your bae, or have other friends they like more (teehee!).” “Go behind your back to date an old fling.”
Are there any friendships you admire? “I have great friends. That’s my reference.” “Issa Rae and Yvonne Orji.”
“I honestly admire my friendship with my sisterin-law because it’s very rare.” “The one I can think of off the top of my head is Selena Gomez and Francia because she gave a kidney.”
“No specifics, but I’ve always admired long lasting friendships. If I live to be old, I want to be old and still in touch with many of the friends I have now.” “The friendship between Beyoncé and Kelly Rowland. They have been friends since their childhood and still are to this day, despite what they may have gone through in life together. I admire it more because they are women, and not a lot of women have female best friends.”
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“Ciara and Lala and Rihanna and her BF” “BTS”
“Not really. Others’ friendships, especially ones I only encounter on social media, can appear different than what they really are. So, I don’t take them too seriously.“
Any other thoughts about friendship? “They evolve, they shift and that’s okay.” “Transparency is key! If you can’t be your complete raw self with a friend...they may not actually be a friend.” “I think friendships can be so diverse that we shouldn’t put them in a box. I have best friends, good friends, friends I may not talk to much but I would do anything for, friends that are more like family, family that are friends, friends I don’t necessarily gain anything from but know that the friendship is necessary, friends I’ve only met once, friends that I rarely talk to but because of experiences we’ve had together, I’ll always consider them my friend, and so many more types of friendships!” “Adult friendships are Hard AF but worth it, lol. I really value friendships because I’ve had great ones, but I’ve realized a lot of women have not experienced that for themselves, which makes it hard for growth and emotional vulnerability.” “I feel that it’s very important to try and put yourself in the perspective of your friends to see if they feel left out. It’s also important to build in emotional conversations as early as you can so as to not feel uncomfortable later in the friendship.”
This Month’s Scripture
Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their efforts. 10 For if either falls, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to lift him up. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (CSB) 9
Break it Down
Sometimes hurt from past friendships or the fear of the unknown can cause us to put up walls in new friendships. That’s now how God intended for us to live in community. There is strength in having accountability, honesty and trust with another person. When we have people who are traveling through life with us, they can sometimes catch us before we fall or help us up when we do fall so we’re not left down there for longer than we need to be. There is a good reward for our efforts to love and deeply care for one another.We can protect, encourage, invest in, and support each other, and if that sounds overwhelming, don’t worry, we don’t do all of that on our own. The Holy Spirit who lives in those of us who have accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior gives us tools that make us better friends. You’ve heard of them: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Imagine how special a friendship could feel when both parties are producing the fruit of the spirit. A friend who is loving, joyful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and in control of her or himself is not only the friend I want to have, but also the friend I want to be. Instead of living with our walls up and thinking that we’ll be just fine on our own, let’s continue on our journey to be like Christ and watch how it transforms our relationships with other people.
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